Oof this is another long one, 9 freaking K words. so this is one i was excited to write about, however trigger warning for violence, sometimes kinda explicit. it's a depressing one also, so be warned, but i'm pretty proud of this chap. As always, all remaining mistakes are mine because this is unbetaed and i dont own cpd blah bla h blah. And once again thank you so much for the people who take time to review, you are the real MVPs and the reason we continue to be motivated to write. also so happy with all the rad upstead fics that keep coming. anyways, here goes.

oOo

Mouse comes back.

Jay gets the call from the VA while he's in the bullpen. His heart stops when the clipped, cadenced, clinical voice of the Army officer says Mouse's name and requests confirmation Jay is the next of kin.

Please, he thinks, not again. Mouse's face materializes in his mind, soaked in blood, eyes vacant, familiar feature of his nightmares and Jay has to brace himself on the closest wall to steel himself for the impending news. Relief floods through when the voice lets him know his friend has been injured and medically discharged.

"Where is he?" Jay chokes out, having difficulty to breathe.

"Chicago Med. 1st Lieutenant Gerwitz has been admitted this morning at 6-00."

Jay all but flees the office, shooting a quick text to Rixton and Voigt. His heart is pounding against his chest, barely buried memories exhumed, dancing in a macabre symphony in his mind. He blinks and he's in the scorching heat and whirling sands of Kandahar, peaceful pastel horizons clashing against the loud explosions of mortar around him. Screams fill his mind, shrill, desperate and agonizing, and Jay counts to three and takes a long breath.

His hands shake and he grips the steering wheel harder, so tight he welcomes the pain injecting in his veins, bringing him back to cold drab Chicago and keeping him there.

The chaos of the ER is a reflection of the one raging inside him. He spots Maggie behind her desk and makes a beeline toward her, panic drumming in his ears. It must also seep into his face as Maggie's eyes turn concerned when they meet his.

"Hey there Jay, everything ok?"

"Hey Maggie, yeah, um, do you guys have a Greg Gerwitz admitted here?"

"Give me a second," she checks, sifting through the myriad of names having entered her ER.

"Yes, 1st Lieutenant Gerwitz," she recites the data from her file. "Got in today at 6 am, pretty banged up, broken ribs, punctured lungs, mild brain trauma, multiple lacerations and burns, he's," and she pauses, looking up. "He's got you listed as next of kin?"

"Yeah, he's an army buddy of mine. Where is he? Can I see him?"

"Doctor Rhodes just got done with him, room 302, and Jay?" Maggie stops him as he rushes to Mouse's whereabouts. She gives him a reassuring look, "he's gonna be fine."

Jay nods and heads to the elevators.

Broken ribs. Punctured lungs. Lacerations. Typical IED injuries.

A part of him, which remembers what he and Mouse endured during their first deployment, is relieved it's not what he feared. His ghosts are awakened, they whisper in his ears, PTSD breaches every barrier Jay has worked so hard to set up and protect his mind with, it twists his head into remembering. He see the faces of his brothers in arms, the ones he lost to a war he still can't comprehend, nor justify. Or what was left of their faces. Severed limbs rot in the burning sun, taunting him, telling him he's next and there's no one coming to save him.

The elevator's doors slide open and Jay blinks against the harsh artificial light, bringing him back. The sanitized scent of death clings to him, filling his lungs, but all he can smell is the putrid stench of his soiled pants while he was detained there, in that forever burning land, hearing the blood curling screams of Sergeant Staunton as he was getting dismembered, screams interjected with the sobs of Mouse, huddled in a ball against the floor of their shared cell, hitting his head against the walls so he wouldn't hear.

Jay's heart hammers against his breastbone and bile slides up his throat, reaching his tongue, as he fights the familiar smothering hold of a panic attack. He falters in his steps toward Mouse's room and has to make an almost physical effort to rule his mind under control. He forces his head to fill with memories of Will, thinks of Hailey and her smile and her eyes so blue, the way they crinkle when she grins, of the last time the unit shared a laugh, three weeks ago as they celebrated Atwater's birthday, of Trudy's smirk as she teases him, of Rixton's perennial amused face.

Breathe, fucking breathe, he almost silently yells at himself, hands balled into tight fists.

Jay leans against the wall, pushing sterilized air to burn his lungs, to make them ache, to tether him to the present. To remind him he's alive.

It takes few wild heartbeats for him to breathe again, to reach a steady inhale and exhale. He resumes his steps and fear churns his belly when he reaches the door's handle. Jay cannot rein in the tears that prick his pupils when he finds Mouse lying, silent, in the bed, body punctured with tubes and IVs. He was never a big guy, but he looks so small now, so fragile, his frame too frail for an army ranger, as if swallowed by the white room.

Jay angrily wipes at tears he has no use for. Instead, he steps into the room, eyes scanning his friend's injuries. His mind settles when he sees no sign of amputation. Bruises, black and blue, form a patchwork on Mouse's skin, his injured body wrapped in bandages, the cadenced bip of his heart monitor the only sign he's still part of the living.

Jay takes Mouse's hand into his. "Welcome home, brother."

A couple of hours pass, and Jay's mind is yanked back and forth between bloody memories and the white room he presently waits in for his friend to wake up. He's so damn tired, the ghosts of his nightmares digging their invisible fingers into his skull, prying it open to take hold of his psyche. He fights against his body lulling him into a sleep he knows will be fitful and filled with the chaos of war. He blinks, forces his eyes open, checking his phone and sees the messages from Rixton and Voigt letting him know he can take the day off, and the missed calls and increasingly concerned texts from Hailey.

A small smile tugs at his lips when he reads her last message, telling him she'll drop by the hospital after their shift. He sends her a text back to let her know he's ok. His heart steadies, and he can tuck some unwanted memories back into the dark recess of his mind.

Will comes some time later, worry clear on his face when he finds Jay slumped in his chair, head between his hands, watching over Mouse.

"Hey, I was in surgery, came as fast as I could"

Jay offers a tired smile, tongue too heavy to speak. Will places a hand on his shoulder, giving him a reassuring squeeze before he goes to check on the medical chart.

"Rhodes did a good job. He should be ok, he will need a lot of rest however."

Jay nods, eyes darting to a still Mouse. "He's coming with me after you discharge him. I'll make sure he gets the rest he needs."

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Jay looks up to his brother. The only thing preventing him from snapping at Will is the genuine concern he sees swimming in his older brother's eyes. He means well, Jay tells himself. Will's question echoes the little voice gnawing at his mind. Jay knows he's not out of the woods himself yet. His nightmares still plague him, he just has a better grip on them. He stopped therapy with the police counselor because he didn't want it to mess with his career. He does the work, is mindful of his triggers and he talks to Will and Hailey and it helps. But he's definitely not out of the woods yet. Now at least, he'll have someone to share and fight the darkness with. Silver lining, however small it is.

"He has no one else," Jay finally answers. "And I'm not abandoning him. So yes, he stays with me."

His tone is more brusque and firm than he would have liked but Jay is exhausted, and cannot put a filter on his mood. Will doesn't say anything. He puts the chart back onto the bedframe and picks up a chair to sit next to his brother.

Jay takes a sharp calming breath when Will puts a comforting hand on his back as he still watches over Mouse. They stay like that until the beginning of the afternoon, Will having to leave for another surgery.

The room turns cold again, fills with harsh whispers and Jay gets up, pacing the space between the four walls. He tries to do some work while staying with Mouse. He checks his emails, responds to those he can. Warmth pools inside him, blanketing his heart, when he sees Rixton and Hailey finalized and filed all his pending reports. He shoots a text to Rixton thanking him and lets Voigt know he'll be in tomorrow morning.

He'll thank Hailey in person, wishing away the hours until she finishes with work and he can see her and let his heart pacify in her calming presence.

His stomach groans in protest but Jay has no use for food now. Not when his muscles are still trapped in Afghanistan, when he stands guard for his friend as if waiting for the world to blink and send him back to that sun scarred hell. He rubs his eyes and goes back to watch over a peaceful looking Mouse, checking every odd second if the rise and fall of his chest is real, finding solace in the steady bip of the heart monitor.

His mind slips in and out of consciousness, surrendering to his body begging for the much needed sleep that has been evading him these past few days, as if a part of his mind knew the ghosts of war would come back to haunt him, as if foretelling Mouse's return in his life.

Another distant scream jolts him awake and he drowns in the muted cottoned silence of the hospital room, his back aching from his position on the chair. Jay inhales a sharp breath and rubs sleep out of his features. The weak Chicago sun surrenders to the cold and is slowly getting swallowed by the horizon, painting the city in a bleak grey and red that further sours his mood.

His attention snaps to the door, when the handle squeaks and reveals a tired and worried Hailey. Relief pours over Jay and he gifts her with a genuine smile that she echoes with a softer one, as she steps closer to him.

"Hey, are you okay?" she whispers, squeezing his arm. Jay nods and Hailey hands him a takeout bag with coffee, a honey and cheese bagel and a raspberry muffin.

He looks up, surprise and gratitude melting into a familiar warmth, and it must show in his eyes as Hailey shrugs, seemingly bashful. "Knowing you, pretty sure you didn't eat anything today."

"Thanks," Jay breathes out, at a loss of words for the feelings she brings out of him.

Hailey just smiles before glancing at Mouse.

She takes the seat vacated by Will beside him, and for the first time, Jay can feel himself relax a little. He eats in a comfortable silence, feeling strength infused back into his limbs, his mind dredged out of the fog of sleep deprived exhaustion and resurging past memories. Jay crumples the remnants of his meal in the paper bag and discards it into the trashcan at the foot of the bed. He fills his lungs with a calming breath, letting his body cocoon into the warmth of Hailey's company.

"So this is the infamous Mouse?"

Jay's lips curl into a wry smile, his eyes glued to Mouse's sleeping form. "Yeah," he says before Hailey's words hit him. He turns to her, eyebrow raised, "how did you-"

Hailey smirks. "Kim filled me in today when Rixton told us you rushed to Med to see him."

Jay nods. "Thanks for doing my reports for me. I owe you and Rixton."

Hailey fixes him with a look. "Come on, Jay, no need to thank us, that's what partners do for each other."

Jay gives an affectionate bump on her shoulder, locking tender eyes with hers and Hailey smiles, pupils a calming blue, yet he still sees traces of concern in them.

"I'm ok, I promise," he tries to reassure her but he knows she doesn't believe him. Truth be told, he doesn't even believe himself.

She doesn't say anything however, her stare settling on Mouse again, "How is he?"

Jay turns his attention back to his injured friend, heaving a despondent sigh. "Not good. He's pretty banged up, must have come against an IED. But he's tough, he's going to get better."

He feels Hailey eyes on him, soft brushes on his skin, and he turns to look at her.

"Is he…?"

Jay nods. "Yeah, he was part of my unit in Afghanistan. We were nine and now it's only the two of us."

He fights against the lump in his throat, averting his eyes. Jay stares down at his hands instead, and he swallows the awakened grief when Hailey's fingers enter his vision, and he watches as she takes his hand into hers, her grip delicate yet firm, grounding him, her palm so much smaller wrapped in his. Jay takes a painful breath, the words stumbling out, easier to let go with Hailey's support, letting him know he's safe with her.

"We were three survivors actually but Mike committed suicide when we got back. Blew his brains out. He couldn't take it anymore."

Hailey strokes his knuckles with her thumb, squeezing his hand in silent comfort.

"We got caught up by some combatants. We were trying to help a woman and her daughter cross a street and boom, IED hits our unarmored Humvee. They had given that woman a bag filled with explosives. I don't even think she knew what they had with them. It was a bloodbath."

Jay blinks and sees the dead eyes of the six year old torn to pieces, staring back at him, blood painting the sand a dark red, the dark veil of her mother draped over her missing legs. He comes back to Hailey softly calling his name. His eyes settle on their joined hands, his lifeline. He still can't look at her, it's easier if he doesn't look at her.

"Then we were taken hostage by some Taliban," he says, voice turning into a whisper, a strange calmness coming over him, as if he is yanked out of his body, another person clinically unfurling the threads of those two weeks of hell. "It's funny the stuff you remember, the stuff that stays. I still see that brown door, there was some chipped green paint on it. Mouse and I, we were in the same cell, we got lucky. The others, not so much. I still can smell the rot. There's nothing worse than a rotting body, and the screams, god, I never knew a human being could scream like that."

Jay clings to Hailey's hand, and he stops fighting his mind. He lets the memories flood through, overwhelm his senses and he shuts his eyes, riding the wave of assaulting flashes of blood and the faces of his friends, his team, Mouse crying in the corner of their cell, banging his head against the wall, the ghost memory of electricity coursing through his veins, shocking his mind, his barbed wired restraints gnawing and cutting into his wrists and ankles.

Jay remembers everything, relives it all and clutches his head with his free hand, urging his mind to settle, to pacify his temporary madness. He feels Hailey's other hand curl around his arm, stroking up and down, the gentle friction the anchor he needs to help him withstand the resurging psychological onslaught, twisting the roots out of him.

"Shhh, Jay, breathe, Mouse is ok, it's going to be ok."

Hailey soft words are a balm, offer relief that guides his heart to steady, heartbeat after heartbeat. Her presence shrouds him, nudging him to let go of these memories, if only for a little while. He can feel her shuffle closer, as if tucking herself to his side. She leans into him, her cheek resting on his shoulder blade, one hand intertwined with his, the other still stroking his arm. And Jay feels less alone.

Hailey and Will end up staying the night with him in Mouse's room. They make for a surprising picture when Doctor Rhodes finds them asleep guarding Mouse's bed in his first morning checkup.

Hailey and Will have to drag Jay out of the hospital, after multiple assurances from Rhodes he will let him know as soon as Mouse wakes up. Will follows Jay to his apartment, despite him moving out, still wanting to check on him. Jay doesn't miss the worried look his brother shares with Hailey before she goes back home to get ready for the day. The hot shower Jay takes refuge in is a welcome reprieve as his muscles breathe in renewed energy, his shoulders letting go of the heaviness that weighed on him since the day before. Jay gets ready to go to work when he gets the call. Mouse is awake.

The days that follow are a blur and if it wasn't for Will and Hailey, Jay doesn't think he would still be standing on his two feet. It takes a week for Mouse to get discharged, his usual affable persona is still there but it cannot mask the haunted shadow clouding his eyes. Jay takes care of him as much as he can, Hailey and Will spending all their evenings at his place, making it feel for the first time like a true home.

Jay is glad Hailey gets to meet Mouse, that she has the chance to see glimpses of the jovial prankster nerd he was before war chewed him out and spit him back as a shell of his former self. His tightly coiled feelings unfurl and blossom inside of him and Jay's grateful when he witnesses the gentle yet genuine way she interacts with his friend, like Mouse was never gone those past two years, instead of tiptoeing around him like most people do around Jay, as if they were time bombs that needed to be diffused.

"So what happened with Erin?" Mouse asks one night, after Hailey and Will leave, and they are having a last beer before bed, both delaying the inevitable, afraid to drown into the ghost filled sleep awaiting them.

Jay's face contorts, and he grinds his teeth. He takes a long sip of beer, before shrugging. "Got a better offer and left."

Mouse raises his eyebrows, "She left you like that? Doesn't seem like her, granted I didn't know her well but…"

Jay sighs. "She had to get away to help her mother," and the thought of Bunny makes him swallow embittered grudge. "She made a deal with the Feds, take their offer in New York and her mom is off the hook. It kinda helped save her career."

"Then why the resentment?" Mouse asks, his insights as sharp as ever.

"She left without saying goodbye. She couldn't even take any of my fucking phone calls. She just up and left and never looked back."

"That sucks, man"

"Yeah it does," Jay says absent mindedly, willing away the memories of his former love that always threaten to overwhelm him. He takes another swig of beer before rolling his eyes at the heavy stare Mouse fixes him with.

"What?"

Mouse smirks. "And what about Hailey?"

Jay glances at Mouse and averts his eyes when he sees his friend's perceptive, assessing pupils and carefully controlled knowing smile. "What about her?"

It's Mouse's turn to shrug nonchalantly. "Dunno, you two seem close."

"She's my partner," Jay says, frowning against the feel of the word on his tongue. It's so empty, almost too small to describe all that goes into the specific bond he shares with Hailey. It seems too reductive. They're so much more than that. Best friends? Almost but not quite. Kindred spirits? Maybe. One thing he is sure though, in another life, in other circumstances, they might have been way more. Jay shakes himself off of his thoughts, well aware how Mouse was observing his reaction.

He meets his friend's eyes, a wan smile tugging at his lips. "We're partners," he repeats, voice more firm. "I wasn't in a good place after Erin left, PTSD came back full force and she helped me, kicked my ass into therapy. Was there for me after my dad died. I owe her a lot."

Mouse nods, eyes softening. "I'm glad you had her. Sorry about Erin and your dad. I shouldn't have left-"

Jay shakes his head. "You needed to go, I don't know why, but you seemed like you needed to. You couldn't know what would happen. I'm just glad you're back in one piece, at least physically."

Mouse offers a sad smile in response, before clinking his beer with his. As it has become their ritual since Mouse got out of the hospital, they don't go to sleep before early morning.

Things seem to piece themselves back into a new normal, little by little. Jay would drop Mouse off at the VA before heading to work, then Will and Hailey would stop by his place to spend the evening with him and Mouse until after dinner. It seemed to do the trick as it distracted both Jay and Mouse from their demons, Mouse even talking about getting his old job back into Intelligence.

Until that cold spring morning. Something gnaws at Jay the whole morning and he asks Hailey if they can stop by his apartment after picking up breakfast just for a quick check on Mouse. He told Jay he'd sleep in and go to the VA later which Jay shrugged at, both have been sporting bags under their eyes, that filled Hailey and Will with worry, even though there wasn't much to be done, PTSD doesn't just go in the blink of an eye.

When Jay and Hailey enter his apartment, they are met with deafening silence that feels ominous, until Jay finds Mouse curled on the bathroom floor, blood pooling underneath his slit wrists.

The news of Mouse's suicide attempt shakes them all. Jay, Will, Hailey but also the whole Intelligence. It sheds a harsh light on the magnitude of what they are dealing with. Jay takes the whole week off, Hailey and Rixton taking care of his cases.

Jay's eyes are affixed to Mouse's bandaged wrists, unable to rid himself of the flash of red he sees every time he glances at his friend's hands. Mouse catches Jay's stare as he's slumped on his couch, barely paying attention to the movie playing on the screen.

"I'm so sorry Jay," he breathes out. They haven't talked about his suicide attempt yet and it's been almost a week. "I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't sleep and the little sleep I got, it was just all this blood and this noise."

"You're not going back Mouse," Jay says, almost as an order. He looks up to lock clear eyes with his friend's. "You're done with the army. You're going to stay here and I'll take better care of you."

Mouse smiles, empty and defeated and it makes Jay's heart break in half. "You can't save everyone, Jay. Sometimes you gotta let go."

"But I can try. And this time, I'm going to try harder. You're the only one left from our unit and I'm not giving up on you, man. You're not alone, not as long as you have me."

Mouse swallows hard, eyes shining with unshed tears, the same tears pooling in Jay's own pupils. They both take a moment to compose themselves, letting air fill their lungs and will away the walls that seem to always be closing in on them.

"It's hard," Mouse says at long last, sniffling, wiping at his eyes. "I'm terrified of going to sleep. I see their faces. There's so much noise, I can't even hear my own thoughts, I can't even breathe. I hear their screams every night, what we did, what they did to us."

Jay puts a hand on Mouse's shoulder, giving a comforting squeeze. "I know, I've been there. I'm still there sometimes. But you know what? I got a bit better, because I tried to get help, and I had people who didn't give up on me. I'm here for you. And I won't let you do anything stupid. Ok?"

Mouse nods, giving Jay a fist bump.

They come up with an arrangement. Mouse is not ready to go to therapy, not yet. So Jay takes him with him to Intelligence. He makes sure Mouse is surrounded by people all day. Never one to be idle, Mouse helps out Platt and starts working on his old tasks. It isn't long before he gets his job back.

That day, Jay and Mouse and the whole unit go to Molly's to celebrate.

"Congrats," Jay says, after clinking beer bottles with Mouse. "Welcome back to the world of the living."

"First day of the rest of my life, right?"

Jay grins and Mouse snorts.

They're not out of the woods, not by a long shot, but at least they're still breathing.

oOo

Hailey watches as the streets of Chicago melt into a sea of muted colors, Kim driving them back to the precinct.

She blinks and takes a breath, apprehension weighing heavy on her bones.

The past two weeks have been draining, Mouse's return revived fears she thought she had a handle on. His suicide attempt shook her to her core, echoing the panic she felt when Jay got shot. Her mind is assaulted with what ifs, what if Jay had those thoughts, still has these thoughts inside him, what if she can't be there fast enough if he ever tries to take his own life, what if she and Will and the rest of the people in his life are not enough to help him heal.

She's not blind. She's seen the ghosts having now taken permanent residence in Jay's eyes, she can almost feel his exhaustion, that his stubborn self won't acknowledge because he has to take care of his friend and that means not allowing others do the same for him. She knows he hasn't had a good night's sleep in weeks now. And she knows they're all in way over their heads dealing with the demons of a war they only have a vague notion of.

Her mind goes back to the case they have been handed today, case that only amplifies her fears. A sniper has been wreaking havoc through the city, claiming already three victims. All the evidence they gathered point to one and one conclusion only. The perp is ex-military.

Hailey sighs, trying to rein in the foreboding dread clutching at her heart.

"You alright?" Kim's words bring her back to the present and Hailey thinks before turning to her partner.

"Kim, can I ask you for a favor?"

"Of course, shoot"

"Can you ride with Rixton this week?"

Kim glances at Hailey before reverting her attention back to the road. "You're afraid the case is gonna mess with Jay's head?"

"Yeah, I think it already does. And I'd feel better if I can have an eye on him at all times."

"Honestly, pretty sure we'd all feel better having you with him as well. What happened with Mouse…", Kim visibly shudders, shaking her head.

"Yeah, I know. Thanks, I'll talk to Rixton."

"Tell me if you need anything. God knows you can be as stubborn and closed off as Jay sometimes so please, anything, just say the word."

Hailey smiles, bumping Kim's shoulder. "Thanks Kim"

"And you better come back. This is only temporary"

This brings out a chuckle out of Hailey as she gives a mock salute to a smiling Kim.

They get back to the bullpen and Hailey finds Rixton in the breakroom, letting him know of the new partner arrangement.

"Good," Rixton says clearly relieved, to which Hailey would laugh if she didn't see the same concern she has clouding the older detective's features. "I was going to ask you for the same thing anyway. Jay really needs you right now and this case is not gonna help."

Hailey offers a pinched smile, nodding at Rixton. "Where is Jay?"

"He should be back now, went for an errand. We're supposed to go and check out a possible suspect's place so he's all yours."

"Thanks Kenny."

Hailey picks up her coat and heads to the garage, she spots Jay climbing out of his truck and her heart aches at his tired features and slumped shoulders. The shadows on his face clear up however when he sees her, a smile tugging at his lips, making Hailey offer a grin in response.

"Hey there," he says when she strides toward him, cocking his head to the side as if studying her. "You don't look like Rixton."

Hailey snorts, planting her feet before him, hands in her pockets. "Well, tough luck cause I'm your Rixton today."

Jay grins and her heart beats a bit faster. "Well, I'll take this Rixton any day."

Hailey chuckles and averts her eyes, fighting against a blush. She looks up to find a wry smile flicker on Jay's lips before it fades just as fast as he lets out a tired sigh.

"I'm ok, Hailey. You don't need to worry so much about me."

Hailey shakes her head and takes a step closer. "No, you're not. I can see it, Will can see it, everyone can see it," she says, voice soothing, a touch above a whisper. "You're not ok. You haven't been sleeping and this case is certainly not going to help. You worry about Mouse so let me look out for you. Part of our thing, remember?"

Jay ducks his head, lips twisting into a fond smile before looking up to her and Hailey has to remember to breathe. His gaze is so open and warm, it almost makes her melt. Jay's smile dims a bit as he nods, and Hailey squeezes his arm in reassurance before striding around the truck, to take her former reserved seat.

They get in his car and it seems like they're back before Kelton and their separation. Hailey feels Jay's eyes on her when she looks around the truck, as if reconnecting with it.

"The place misses you"

Hailey's heart stutters at Jay's words, and she's pulled into his orbit again when she meets his eyes, her nerves frayed, body tingling, tongue tied like a smitten schoolgirl. "I miss it too." I miss you the most.

Jay's mouth tugs up at both ends, eyes soft, and Hailey has to make a conscious effort not to let herself drown in them. She takes his hand in hers, gives it a comforting pressure, before bringing them back to the here and now. "So, where are we off to?" she asks, a touch breathless.

Jay smirks at her obvious attempt to stop one of their increasingly numerous moments short, but he doesn't mention it, seemingly letting her of the hook. His features turn serious, his cool under pressure and confident cop mode back on.

"Riverdale. We got a name, Marshall Kowalsky," he informs her, revving up the engine as Hailey buckles her seatbelt. "Did two tours in Iraq, now in the gun selling business. The bullets we found at the scenes match the ones he's selling."

"Could help us find our perp," Hailey says as they drive out of the precinct. "Do we need back up?"

Jay shrugs. "Let's check the address out first. If needs be, we can call the cavalry."

"Aye aye captain."

Jay barks out a laugh, shaking his head as they head to their destination.

The address is a seemingly abandoned two storied house, grey concrete and dried out paint making it feel old and empty. The windows are barred by dark wood panels.

They circle it, checking the exits before stepping inside, the door left open. Silence and darkness welcome them, only broken by the sound of their steps, the floorboards groaning against the weight of their feet, and the ribbons of light filtering through the wooden panels.

Weapons drawn, they venture further into the house, climbing the stairs. Hailey follows close behind Jay, covering his back. Her heart pounds in her ears, muscles taught, as she feels like someone is watching them. She turns her head to scan behind her but is only met with foreboding quiet.

They reach the first floor, Jay strides forward, when they both hear the small click.

Jay turns to her as she inspects her surroundings and her heart stops when she hears him inhale a sharp breath.

"Hailey," he rasps out and Hailey meets his terrified eyes fixed on her. She follows his line of sight and fear grips her heart when she sees the red dot on her coat.

It all happens in a blur. Jay runs to her, and they fall to the ground just as a salvo of bullets rain down on them, shooting in all directions. The world narrows and stops, as if taking its breath, sound muffled by the thud of their heartbeats, Hailey clutched in Jay's tight embrace. She hits his shoulder twice with her fist, sign that she is ok, and he relinquishes his hold on her.

They stay still, flat against the floor as the metronomic sound of a rifle firing its ammunitions pounds the walls. Hailey's eyes turn to Jay, scanning his body for any injury. Her eyes widen when she sees drops of blood sluicing out of his arm. Panic injects adrenaline in her veins and she scrambles to him, one arm curling around his waist and they crawl on the floor, trying to get inside the closest room. Hailey can see the now apparent strings tying automatic rifles together in a labyrinth of steel. Booby trapped.

There is a lull in the shooting, and they both stare at each other, a second long enough for both of them to nod and launch themselves into the room in front of them, closing the door behind as another click heralds another rifle at the ready. They fall to the floor as bullets resume and pierce through the wooden door, debris raining over them, like pellets of snow.

Hailey grabs Jay's injured arm, worried eyes inspecting it, and relief washes over her when she sees it's only a graze. Her comfort is short lived when she looks up to him and sees his wide eyes, pale face, and mouth open as if unable to breathe. Shit, shit, not now, Hailey thinks as her partner is fighting the tight grip of a panic attack.

Hailey puts both her hands flat on his chest, pushing his back against the floor. She climbs over him, covering his body with hers, locking eyes with him. "Breathe, Jay, you have to breathe," she almost yells over the loud explosion of bullets over their heads. She ducks some wood and rocks falling from the walls and feels Jay's muscles stiffen, almost locked in paralysis under her hands, his heart a wild drum, beating against her fingers.

"Hail- Hailey, get- get out of here," Jay croaks out, fear swimming in his eyes.

She fixes him with a determined look. "I am not going anywhere."

Hailey cradles Jay into a tight hug, just as he had done with her in that van, months ago, under another onslaught of bullets. She can feel him try to fight, she knows he's scared because she can't cover her six, just as she was terrified he couldn't protect himself, but it only makes her tighten her grip on him, as he hiccups, his choked, broken breaths filling her ears.

The shooting stops again, and Hailey doesn't even think to regain her breathing. She shoots Jay a look, darts her eyes to the secluded corner at their right, one that she noticed was spared from the bullets. She waits for him to follow her line of sight and be ready. They stare at each other, Hailey raising a brow and Jay nods, still trying to push air into his lungs.

"One, two, three," she whispers against his ear before she takes hold of him and they both scramble to the corner. He's heavy under her arm attached to his waist, and they have to stop and restart as they drag themselves into their cover just as another salvo of bullets storms the walls.

Hailey shuffles into the corner, and cradles Jay into a seating position against her, she pulls him to her, his back burrowing into her chest, huddled further into the far walls, their legs intertwined. Her arms cling to him as she hugs him from behind, flying bullets wheezing in front of them.

Maddening terror runs cold in her veins when she feels Jay's body turns completely rigid in her arms, his heart now hammering against her hands and Hailey swallows her helplessness, remembering the radio fastened to her belt.

"5021 Henry, shots fired at 3316 West street, Riverdale, officers under fire, I repeat officers under fire, house is booby trapped, need bomb squad and back up now!"

She feels Jay cling to her arm clutching him to her and she lays her radio next to her, freeing her hand, before placing it on his thudding heart.

Hailey tucks her face into his neck, rubbing her nose against his pulse point. "Breathe, Jay, breathe, please, you have to breathe," she hears herself imploring him.

oOo

He's back into the scorching heat of Bagram.

Jay tries to breathe but it's as if a boulder is crushing his lungs, lacerating into his heart, threatening to make it explode into tiny little pieces. Every whiff of air feels like a blade slicing his throat. He's drowning, he's being swallowed by the familiar darkness he's been fighting for too long, too heavy for his tired, battle weary bones.

He only sees sand, the sound of explosions blasting around him, his ears ringing from the shockwaves. Another blast and the world is painted in blood, dark red rivers turning into bloodied arms gripping him, dragging him down, and he can't scream, he can't breathe, he's being buried under red sand and it's black again, bullets screaming around him.

Breat – … Jay – plea – se … breathe.

Hailey.

Jay wills his mind to cling to her voice, snippets of words digging their way through pitch black darkness. It takes a few aching heartbeats but her voice becomes clearer, soaring over the detonations and bullets. Her pleas are a beacon, the growing light that dredges him out of the black hole he's being buried in.

He forces air in, and it hurts, so fucking much, but he does it because he can hear her beg him to do so, he can feel her warmth fighting the cold fear coiled inside him. Her face is soft against her neck, her tears trickling into his back, soaking his shirt, and she's desperate, her voice trembles but she still tells him to breathe and Jay tries to do just that.

Seconds become minutes, and labored breath by labored breath, Jay can peel the fingers of PTSD out of his mind, willing his heart to pacify, infusing air to calm his burning lungs.

Yes, that's it, breathe, in and out.

Hailey's voice is warm against his ear, the golden thread shining his way out of the labyrinth. Jay feels her loosen her embrace, to help him breathe easier but no, it's too soon, he needs her warmth, he needs her body glued to his to remind him he's alive and he's not alone. He grips her arm and it's as if she's read his mind, and she resumes her tight hug, clutching him to her, burying her face in the crook of his neck and Jay can start breathing again.

They stay wrapped in each other for what feels like an eternity, Hailey coaxing him out of the darkness, her words pushing closer and closer toward that light and Jay tries opening his eyes. He blinks against the world reframing itself, breathing a little easier, and swallows hard against his sore throat.

He can hear in the distance the echo of sirens and relief pours inside him. They will be okay. The sound of bullets is replaced by shouts and loud, desperate voices calling their names.

"In here! Be careful, the house is booby trapped!"

He can hear steps getting closer after Hailey's response, his body relaxing against hers but his muscles are still too stiff, his right arm still smarting from the bullet graze.

"Jay, can you hear me? We're okay, you're okay, can you get up?"

He feels the loss of Hailey's warmth as she lets go and shuffles to get a look at him. His lips twitch upward when she enters his line of vision, eyes wide with worry and she paws at him, trying to find any other injury.

"I'm – fine," he croaks out, lifting a hand to catch one of hers still on his chest. He gives a reassuring squeeze, looking at her and he wishes he had the strength to reassure her with a hug when he sees unshed tears shining in Hailey's eyes, coloring them even more electric blue. She offers a watery smile, sniffling, breathing the tears away and she turns to Rixton and Atwater, asking for help.

"Come on big guy, you really trying to give me a heart attack," Rixton grumbles, taking his other hand and Jay barks out a weak laugh, putting his arm around his neck as Hailey helps him stand up. His knees are a little wobbly, and they would have almost given out if it wasn't for both Hailey and Rixton holding him on either side.

"Woah, easy, easy," Rixton says and they take little step by little step to head out of the death trap. Jay's vision is a bit blurry as they help him descend the stairs but he can still see the sea of bullets and a shudder travels through him, remembering how close he came to lose Hailey.

"You guys really are damn lucky," Rixton echoes his thoughts and Jay turns to a silent Hailey. As if sensing him, she looks up, traces of tears still clinging to her pupils. Jay has so much he wants to say to her, but all he can do is stare at her, flashes of her protecting him, of the terror that paralyzed him when he realized she could get hit by any of the flying bullets, fill his mind and he knows Hailey has the same thoughts as she squeezes his side, in comfort, in relief and nods to let him know, that yes, they are alive.

Voight rushes to them as they get out of the house, worry creasing his features and Jay finds his voice.

He's about to reassure him, when a blur passes by and he is almost tackled to the ground by Mouse. His friend clings to him in a bone crushing embrace, his body shaking, hands gripping Jay's coat.

"I'm okay," Jay says, returning his desperate hug. "Mouse, I'm okay."

It takes a couple of minutes for Mouse to find his breathing again, he lets go of Jay, wild eyes scanning his body for any injury, tears spilling from his pupils. "You could have fucking died!"

"But I didn't," Jay tries to reassure and pulls him in another hug, letting him get the fear out. His eyes find Hailey's and his heart aches when he sees the same desperation as Mouse ecthed into her features. He release one hand, reaching out to her and she takes it, squeezing it and it anchors them.

Hailey puts her other hand on Mouse's back as he seems to settle, "Come on Mouse, we have to get Jay checked out," she says in a soft voice.

Voigt echoes her words, "You both need to get checked out. Take the day off. We got this."

They all nod and head toward the paramedic ambulance, where Brett and Foster are waiting.

Jay doesn't let go of Hailey's hand until they get in the ambulance and Brett treats his wound, Mouse hovering over him, like a terrified overbearing child.

When done, they head to a police car, none of them in the emotional state to drive. Atwater takes them to Jay's apartment. Jay shares a look with Hailey as they arrive at his building, his eyes silently begging her to stay with him and Hailey nods, getting out of the car. They thank Kevin and Jay puts a comforting hand on Mouse's back as they step into the elevator.

He invites Hailey to take a shower first as he needs to make sure Mouse settles down and doesn't have a resurging outburst. Both men slump into the couch, Mouse breathing in and out and Jay keeps his hand on his back, to reassure him he's here, to help him escape the tight hold of fear. Jay breathes easier when he feels Mouse relax against his hand. It isn't long before his friend falls asleep, adrenaline having the best of him. Jay tucks Mouse in his couch, removing his shoes and draping a blanket over his crumpled form.

Hailey emerges from his bathroom swimming in his shirt and sweatpants and Jay huffs a snort, the first moment of levity since their brush with death. Hailey answers with a small smile, eyes darting toward Mouse sleeping on the couch, beside him.

"Go take a shower, I'll watch over him," Hailey says in a whisper, her voice still brittle, and Jay nods, squeezing her shoulder as he brushes past her.

Hot water traces a path on his skin, his body surrendering to the warmth of the condensed fog. His heart is still an erratic muscle seeking its way to more peaceful dispositions. It's been awhile since he's had that violent of an attack. He thought he got a handle on his ghosts but they crawled back to life to remind him that no, he's not whole, he might never be. And how can he ever be anyways?

How can he heal when he leaves for a war only to come back to find he has to wage another one in his own home. One whose enemy's face changes every day. How can he face himself when his hands are soaked in so much blood even bleach would never cleanse them of their deeds? How, when little by little realization dawns more and more every day that all this loss, all this blood was for nothing, was only meant to feed a machine that swallows kids and spits them out into damaged goods. His first months back home only served to exacerbate that sad, terrifying truth, his former brothers in arms being reduced to find solace in drugs, suicide, homelessness, because they believed in ideals that were only words uttered by people who've never seen real blood.

Because war has a way of breaking you, of crushing you in tiny parts, of leaving a gaping hole at the center of your being, of making loss a part of you, stitched in the skin you inhabit but do not recognize anymore. And it leaves you with the same perpetual question. Why me? Why was he the one spared, the one to survive and even learn to live again when so many, more deserving, have died instead?

Jay shakes his head, his thoughts taking him to that dreaded place, making him look into the abyss again and he doesn't want to wait for the darkness to smile back at him. He knows he will never heal. But something in him still wants him to try.

Exhaustion takes hold of his muscles, making them ache for silence and deep peaceful sleep. Jay heaves a sigh, stopping the running water. He puts his shirt and sweatpants on, dragging himself to the living room. He finds Hailey sitting on the floor, leaning against the back of the couch Mouse is sleeping in. The ghost of a smile plays on his lips and the urge to have her near, to reassure himself she's real and here with him almost overwhelms him.

Jay takes a seat beside her, and sighs as he settles on the floor, shoulder to shoulder, blanketed in her warmth. He wraps his hand in hers, a reflex now that he doesn't even acknowledge, not when he was so close to losing her again. The thought makes his veins turn cold and it takes everything in him not to cradle her in his arms, to melt into the warmth that helped him breathe in that abandoned house.

Silence shrouds them, Hailey doesn't say anything when he intertwines his fingers with hers. Instead she leans her head against his shoulder, letting out a long exhale. A few heartbeats pass, the calm only disturbed by Mouse's light, intermittent snores.

"What are your triggers?"

Her words are quiet, but Jay can hear the lingering touches of the desperation that colored her voice when she was yelling at him to breathe.

"It's getting better now, but," he takes a breath. "Loud explosions used to send my mind into chaos. Anything to do with bombs. And I hate the sound of blade against blade, you know when you sharpen a knife? Not a good sound."

"You need to continue to get help, Jay"

"I can handle this" he doesn't even know where these words came from, just the reflex answer his stubborn mind blurts out, in defense of a coming lecture.

Hailey straightens, releasing his hand, and Jay feels cold again. She sits up, turning to meet his eyes.

"Can you? What happened toda-"

"Look, Hailey, I know I messed up-"

"It's not about that-"

"I'm not going be a cop with ptsd, ok? That's a career ender right there," Jay cuts, in a harsh hushed tone, familiar anger whispering in his ears. He tries to smother it, because she is the last person he wants to be angry at.

He can see her features fall, something akin to disappointment shadowing her blue eyes, and Jay averts her stare, unable to bear him letting her down. He looks down at his hands, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry, I just –," Jay exhales his frustration before meeting her saddened eyes. "Hailey, I don't want to drag you into my problems, you've already done so much"

It's Hailey's turn to frown, seemingly exasperated. She scoffs a mirthless laugh. "What's that supposed to mean? I thought we were past that, past you not trusting me? I just want you to be okay and you make it a hell lot harder for anyone to help you do that"

She reins in her voice, afraid to wake Mouse up but her growing frustration burns in her eyes and Jay swallows his own helplessness, tries to will away his stubborn streak wanting to deal with his demons on his own, to not be what he's always seen as weak and ask for help.

A thought flashes through his mind and something ugly curls inside him. He locks eyes with her, fear of her answer making his tongue heavy in his mouth.

"Am I scaring you?" Please say no, please.

Hailey's breath seems to catch in her throat, her eyes wide at his question. She leans forward, clutching both his arms in her hands.

"Jay. No, never," she almost exclaims, disbelief echoing in her breathy whispers. Jay feels himself relax, relief warming him. "What I'm scared of is not being able to help, it's losing you to ptsd. Mouse almost killed himself, and I don't-," and Hailey stops, head down, as if to swallow a sob and rein in her own kind of panic. She looks up, eyes glistening with tears and Jay is frozen in time, fighting a lump in his throat.

"I can't see you go there. And I realize that Will, the unit, me, we're not enough, this is too big for us to help, you have to see a professional," she states, voice more firm before it breaks again and she has to breathe. "but I'm here, I'll always be here, you are not alone. I just want you to get better and if I need to kick your ass for it then so fucking be it."

Jay barks out a laugh not to cry, he hangs his head, exhaustion making him loosen his grip on feelings he tries to bury further deep down, overcome with genuine gratitude. He breathes hard, trying to pacify his poor heart. He feels Hailey cradle one of his hands in hers, giving him space to compose himself.

She settles back against the couch, curling her arm around his, and he instinctively leans into her, his shoulder pressing against hers. Her head is tucked in the crook of his neck and he lays his cheek on top of her soft hair. He exhales, his ribcage opening, his heart growing.

"Just please let us be there for you. No one can do it alone, isn't that what you told me when I was having problems with Brennan," Hailey whispers, her hand stroking his. "You don't have to go to the district psychologist, Will can help you get in touch with Doctor Charles, for you and Mouse"

Jay jostles the thought in his head. He thinks of Mouse, how frail he's become, how still haunted he is.

"Tomorrow, I'll call Will tomorrow," he relents. "I just need things to settle."

"Whenever you're ready," Hailey's hands play with his fingers, a friction that sends tingles in his nerves, and he tucks her more into him.

"I thought I got a handle on it but this is far from over," he finally confesses.

"Everyone will be there for you, Will, Voigt, the unit"

"You?" he knows the answer but he still has to ask, still needs to hear her say it.

Hailey squeezes his hand with hers. "Of course, I'm not going anywhere."

Jay sighs, his lips brushing the top of her head. He fills his lungs with Hailey's scent, her shampoo tickling his nostrils, lulling him into a frail sense of peace.

They end up sleeping on his rug, close to Mouse, wrapped together, locked in a tight embrace, each other's intangible home.

oOo

They find the sniper.

It takes 24 hours for the unit to arrest Stephen Kowalsky, Marshall's brother. He too did Iraq and came back not completely whole, his demons having the best of him.

Jay listens, protected by the invisible barrier of the interrogation room's one way mirror. He listens and watches the killer he could have become if not for the people in his life.

This is the last nudge he needs and he calls Will. For him, and Mouse.

The sun is already setting when Hailey's car stops in front of Med. Hailey hugs both Jay and Mouse, infusing strength into their bones. Jay lingers a bit longer in her arms, as he clutches her to him, reveling in her warmth. They let go and she nods, in encouragement. He finds Will waiting for him and Mouse at the lobby, taking them to Dr Charles' office.

"I am proud of you," Will whispers into Jay's ear as he wraps Jay into a tight hug before letting him step into the office with his friend.

Jay looks at a nervous Mouse who shakes Doctor Charles' hand, his stare furtive as of that of a cornered animal, and he remembers when Mouse used to be the go to source for levity in their unit.

Jay promises himself that he will get better. Not only for him but for the people he loves and the ones who are gone, for Mouse and the brothers in arms he lost.

Tomorrow will be better. It has to.

oOo

Hope you liked, i really wish the show would make the most of how damaged these characters are, it's a goldmine of stories. next chap might take ten days because these last two chapters drained me a bit. but at least the next one will be more fluffy angst than depressing angst.

Thanks for reading.