Hey guys, so this is my little offering to add to the fandom. I'm pretty rusty, havent written fic in a couple of years. i was almost out of fandom until i recently stumbled upon Upstead, and now i'm obssessed, Love love love their build up and the upstead goodness in the finale, so i couldnt stay awy from writing for them. some mild trigger warning for mentions of abuse. Happy reading. this is unbetaed so all mistakes are mine and obviously i dont own chicago pd cause if so upstead would have happened instead of upzek and antonio would not be gone. without further ado.

this is a post s6 finale au (since i'm pretty sure the show wont go with my au)

oOo

The chilly air bites at Jay's cheeks and he adjusts his beanie to cover his ears, heading into the 21st precinct. His 3 hour stakeout with Rixton didn't pan out, and he only wants to get back into the warm embrace of his office, and finish the reports waiting on his desk.

He juggles the coffees and bagels he bought for him and Hailey, already anticipating the wide grin impromptu breakfast always seems to elicit from his partner. That smile that makes her eyes color even more blue is his daily reward, his daily reminder that she's back. That he got her back.

The two months that followed the unit being disbanded after Kelton's death were some of the worst he's had to go through. Hailey being undercover for Narcs and not being allowed any outside contact seriously messed with his head. So when Voigt told him he had a plan to get Ruzek out and the team back, Jay felt he could finally breathe. And he did, when he got to see her again after her undercover stint, and promised himself this was the last time he'd ever let her go.

His phone buzzes in his pocket and he taps on it to check the incoming message with his free hand.

Had to head out with Kim to check for a potential witness. Please tell me you got me breakfast

A smile tugs at his lips as he answers.

What do you think? :)

OK you're officially my favorite Halstead! Beers on me tonight then. See you later :)

He chuckles and hurries to the building's entrance.

"Excuse me, sorry, sir?"

Jay stops and turns to find an older man, seemingly lost.

"Can I help you?"

The man approaches, eyes darting between him and the entrance of the precinct.

"Hello, is this the 21st precinct?"

"Yes," Jay nods, surveying the man. He looks familiar, his sharp blue eyes both warm and weary give him a sense of deja-vu.

"I am looking for a Detective Upton. I was told she works here."

"She does," Jay says, eyeing the man a bit more carefully. Tall-ish, white, upper middle class, seemingly expensive coat, grey hair, tired features. "But she's not in the office yet. Do you want to wait for her inside?"

The man seems to hesitate. He eventually shakes his head, "No it's ok." He fishes something in his coat's pocket, and conjures a card.

"Could you please give her this when she comes back?" He hands the card to Jay who glances at the name on it. Isaac Upton. His eyes snap back at the man's face, widening as he can catch a furtive glimpse of his favorite blonde.

"You're Hailey's father?"

The man seems taken aback, before quickly recovering and straightening up. "And you are?"

"Detective Jay Halstead," Jay says offering his hand. "Her partner."

"Nice to meet you Detective," they shake hands, each eyeing the other with interest. "I'm sorry I can't stay but if you could give this card to Hailey…?"

"Of course," Jay lets out. The man nods, offering a strained smile before heading to a sleek black Audi, leaving a puzzled Jay frowning at his partner's father demeanor.

Jay replays the quick encounter in his head as he climbs the steps to his office, his detective mind into overdrive. He looks so much like her, she got her father's eyes, even the quiet standoffish nature of his partner echoes the way her father stood in front of him. But how can he not have his own daughter's contact? And him not wanting to wait for her. After seemingly seeking her out. Besides, as close as they have become, Hailey never told Jay about her family. Thinking of it, he doesn't know that much about her, her life outside of their daily work. As much as she always pushes him to open up, she's not been the most forthcoming one either, especially on the personal front. His brain fills with thoughts of Hailey and interest in finding out about a hidden part of her life when he stumbles upon Adam in the breakroom, after dropping Hailey's breakfast on her desk.

"Woah, slow down man," Adam catches him before he bumps into him. "You alright? Looks like you've seen a ghost"

"Kind of. I just met Hailey's father," Jay says, brushing past Adam to enter the room, still unable to quell the uneasy feeling the meeting left him with.

"Oh." Something in Adam's tone makes Jay pay heed and he turns to lock piercing eyes with the intelligence officer.

"What do you mean "oh" ?" he says, crossing his arms.

"Let's just say that Hailey might not be happy to know that he's in town," Adam shrugs at Jay's frown upon hearing his words.

"Are they on the outs?"

Adam huffs a snicker, scratching the back of his head under Jay's watchful stare. "Something like that. Look, man, it's not my place to talk about this. So just ask her about it, ok?"

Jay nods, annoyance tainted with something dangerously close to jealousy coiling inside him, making him stiffen.

"Come on man, don't be like that," Adam tries to placate him, sensing his change in mood, and seemingly trying to backtrack. "Does she know about your nightmares? You know those you get when you have naps at 7 in the AM at the office."

"Point taken, Ruz." Jay turns around, a dismissal, and tries to busy himself by making some coffee before getting back to work. He can hear behind him Adam sigh and head out of the breakroom, leaving him to his thoughts that one way or another always circle back to his partner. His fingers dig up the card her father gave him from his jeans pocket, and Jay stares at the name and the number on it, the reminder that as much as he and Hailey care for each other, there's still a whole swath of their lives they keep from each other. To protect each other, to not make the other run.

Jay lets out a sigh, puts the card back in his pocket, and gets to his reports, anticipating Hailey's return.

The day goes by fast. Jay is gifted with Hailey's grateful grin upon picking her breakfast, he and Kenny Rixton spend the day together raiding houses, and setting up another stakeout with Ruzek and Atwater while Kim and Hailey interrogate the two witnesses they might have found on their case. The sun sets and the members of the Unit starts filling out, each bidding goodnight. Jay and Hailey are the last two in the bullpen, trying to finish their reports before heading out.

"Ugh, I don't know about you, but I'm ready to call it a day," Hailey stretches before looking at an amused Jay. His smile fades when the reminder of his encounter this morning flashes through his mind.

"You alright?" Hailey asks, as always attuned to his mood.

Jay stares at her curious face, soaking up this seemingly at peace Hailey, unwilling to mar it with anything that might hurt her.

He picks the card from his coat and hands it to her. "I think I met your dad today, he told me to give you this."

Jay holds his breath, waiting for her reaction. And his heart constricts when he sees her face fall, a dark cloud passing by, dimming the blue in her eyes.

"Oh… thanks" she says in a clipped, quiet tone. Silence fills the room, she stares at the card as if it's a puzzle she will solve, likewise Jay stares at her, at a loss of what to say or do.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jay watches as she seems to debate on it before she shakes her head, plastering a mockery of a smile on her tired features. He nods, swallowing the bitter taste of disappointment.

"No, I'm good. Raincheck on the beers?" she asks, standing up to pick her coat, ready to leave.

"Yeah of course, but Haile-"

"I'm fine. It's fine. I'll see you tomorrow" Hailey says and all but flees the office, rushing out and leaving Jay at a loss, looking at the steps that she ran down in her haste to get away.

oOo

Her hands are clammy and tremble as she holds the phone to her ear. He picks up after the second ring.

"Dad?"

"Hailey, sweeti-"

"What are you doing in Chicago? at my place of work?"

"I just wanted to see my daughter. Is that a crime?"

Hailey exhales some of her anger, smothering a snide reply. She takes a deep calming breath. "After twelve years? What do you want?"

The line stays quiet for a few seconds, she can hear her father's uneven breathing before he decides to speak. "I'm sick, Hailey."

"What?"

"I'm sick. Cancer. Final stage, all that jazz. I don't have long, couple of weeks, at most, and I want to make amends."

Hailey swallows a sob, tears pricking her eyes as she shakes her head, unwilling to believe what she's just heard. "You can't-," she takes another breath. "You can't just come back – twelve years – you come back and you drop this on me, on us all."

"I know, I'm so sorry, for everything. For everything I put you through. I just- I don't know, I just want to see my daughter one last time."

Hailey closes her eyes, tears rolling along her cheeks, trying to find the breath trapped between anger, resentment and loss warring inside her. "Did you tell mom?"

"Who do you think told me about your place of work? I met your partner. You're a Detective now. I'm so proud of you Hailey."

"Don't," Hailey cuts, anger winning out, "Don't even try. Not after the hell you put me through. You have no right to."

"I'm sorry."

"You should be." Hailey cuts the call short, her heart in her throat, her world unravelling at the edges and she can't breathe. Her vision blurs, and it takes long minutes for her heart to pacify and allow her some reprieve.

She calls her mom, tells her she doesn't want to see him, not after the emotional scars he's forever left inside her, not after her brothers refused to even talk to him. She listens to her mother explain that it is complicated, that anger is not the way, that forgiveness helps heal but Hailey doesn't want to hear any of it.

She takes a long bath to neaten her thoughts and provide a salve to the emotions laying siege to her heart. She has dinner and contemplates getting drunk on a weekday. She's pretty sure she won't sleep at all anyway, so anything to not face this, to numb her feelings is welcome.

Her eyes fall on her phone. 3 missed calls and a text from Jay, another text from Adam.

She answers Adam with a text of her own. I'm fine. Nothing bad, just family stuff. Good night.

Jay's message stares back at her, his words piercing through the fog of anger and resentment, exhuming feelings of longing for him she tries to bury but that irremediably escape the tight grip she has on them.

She checks the time. 11pm. It takes a couple of seconds before she makes up her mind.

oOo

He'd been hoping to hear those three knocks on his door, relief washes over him as he's sure it's her.

Jay opens his door to find Hailey, looking so small, and fragile, in her pajamas and a coat, with a deer in the headlights look. He ushers her in the warmth of his apartment, and goes to pick a couple of beers and a bottle of tequila with shot glasses.

Hailey drops herself on his couch, eyes seemingly lost in the distance.

"Hey," Jay says, almost in a whisper. Hailey looks up and takes the beer he offers. Jay sits beside her, allowing her space to talk it out, letting the silence stretch out as they drink in the quiet.

"I was a happy kid," Hailey says at long last, voice gruff with remnants of tears. "I was a happy kid, I tried to be the perfect kid growing up. You know why? Because I – I thought that was what I needed to do so my dad- so he would stop-"

She takes a breath and dread seeps into Jay, his mind starting to go to the worst place.

"My dad used to beat me," she lets out, eerily calm, almost clinical. "He used to beat me, my mom, and my brothers."

Jay's eyes widen, Hailey's confession like a ton of bricks hitting him.

"Hailey" is the only word he can let out before he puts his beer on the table and lays a hand on her knee. She takes a swig of her drink, still looking straight ahead.

"My mom protected us as much as she could but it didn't change much. It left scars on us all. My brothers fled Chicago because they couldn't cope with the memories. I can't commit to any relationship… that's why I became a cop. And you know the worst thing about it? I still love my dad. When he wasn't abusing us, he was so sweet and smiled and made us laugh and it's just-"

She drinks the whole bottle before speaking again. "It makes you think there's something wrong with you. It's your fault. So you try to be the perfect child and still he hits you. You spend years hating him and hating yourself. And just when I thought I was ok, he comes out of the blue, to tell me he's dying"

Hailey barks out a hollow laugh, shakes her head, and finally locks eyes shining with tears with Jay's. "You were right, I got a lot of daddy daughter crap that got me screwed up"

Her words are like a slap to his face. The same words he cruelly shouted at her when he was dealing with his own father's death. He was horrible to her that day and he never really apologized. He almost got shot, made her and Will and Voigt go through the ringer and he never really asked for forgiveness, taking them for granted, refusing to see that they were there for him, that they loved him, each in their own way.

Hailey shrugs at his silence, "It almost makes you feel like you're not worth being loved"

The barely murmured confession shocks him into silence, and makes him finally move. He takes her bottle and discards it on the table. He barely register Hailey's eyes widen before he wraps her in his arms, pulling her into his lap, and engulfing her in a tight hug. It takes a few heartbeats for her to bury her face into the crook of his neck, returning his embrace.

They have never really touched, not meaningfully. All their affection and care, they conveyed to each other through meaningful glances, through their thing, being there and talking it out with each other. But they never really touched.

Part of him thinks having Hailey cradled in his arms is way overdue. He's overwhelmed with her scent, familiar and soft, filling his nostrils, her body glued to his, clinging tightly like a lifeline to each other. He wants to share all he still can't say to her. That she is the reason he's slowly becoming whole these past years, after Mouse, after Erin, after his father. She's the reason he can stand on his two feet, that this realization terrifies him more and more every day, as he knows he can't afford to lose her. He won't make it if he loses her.

"Hailey, you are worth everything and more. You deserve everything good in this world. So never, ever think you don't," he whispers into her hair, his fingers stroking her blond strands.

And I will make sure to show how important you are, is what he doesn't say, what he still can't let out.

A few seconds pass, Hailey's labored breathing brushing against his neck, before her body shivers between his hands, sobs quietly escaping her, staining his shirt. She clutches his shirt, and he pulls her even closer to him, trying to take in some of her pain.

They stay in each other's embrace after her tears subside and the first rays of the Chicago sun heralds a new day.

oOo

Her father dies a week later. Hailey is numb. She must be strong for her mother who takes it harder than she expected. After everything, her dad was the love of her mother's life. She never remarried, she just continued taking care of her children. She owed her mother to be strong for her.

So Hailey goes on autopilot for the days that follow her father's passing. Taking care of the burial and funeral, running around to make sure everything has been set up and being there for her mother. Her brothers arrive one day after the passing, they support where they can, but all of them have a piece of themselves they buried a long time ago that they can finally let go of. They don't stay long, and have to go back just after the funeral, leaving Hailey and her mother alone again.

oOo

Jay tries to be there for her but she keeps him at arm's length. He knows he's pretty much the king of the "I am fine"s so he doesn't begrudge her the space she seems to need. Whatever they are, he's not her family. Instead, he buries himself in work, checking on her every day so she doesn't unravel. He goes to the funeral, along with the rest of the unit, even Kenny, to show Hailey, she has another family that cares for her. They lock eyes, when he stands behind Kim as she hugs Hailey and she offers Jay a grateful sad smile that he echoes with a strained one of his own.

They leave early to let the family grieve in peace and head to Molly's. The sun shining in a cold spring day in Chicago is a stark contrast to the sadness clouding over everyone's mood. It digs up memories no one wants to face, reminder of all the people they've lost, Al, Antonio, Erin, Mouse, Roman, Blair, the army buddies lost in Afghanistan.

Jay lets out a sigh when he gets back to his apartment at 9pm, tugging at his black tie and makes a beeline to his kitchen to retrieve much needed alcohol. He toes off his shoes and slumps into the couch, in his crumpled suit and tie, and thinks of Hailey.

oOo

Hailey's nursing her glass of tequila, still in her black funeral dress, silence shrouding her as she sits in her living room, trying to breathe.

It takes her awhile to register the knocks at her door, and she hurries to answer, her heart hammering in her ribcage, hoping it's him. Relief blooms inside her when she opens the door to find Jay still in his afternoon suit, loose tie hanging around his neck, as he leans on her home's doorframe.

They stand in silence looking at each other, before he finally speaks. "I'm sorry to drop by at this hour, I – I just wanted to make sure you're ok. As ok you can be – with all of this."

A soft smile tugs at Hailey's lips. She takes his hand and he follows her inside. She doesn't say anything as she leads him into her bedroom. Jay hesitates at the entrance of her room, making them stop.

Hailey turns to him, and pulls him to her, burying her face into his shoulder. "It's ok, I just don't want to sleep alone."

Jay runs a hand along her back while the other is fastened to her waist, keeping her against him. Hailey straightens to look up to him and she can see how tired he looks, pretty much confirming he hasn't been sleeping those past few days.

"I have nightmares," Jay's words are choked, seemingly taking effort to be let out. "About Afghanistan, all the dead."

Hailey lifts her hand to stroke his cheek and Jay closes his eyes, leaning into her touch. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was scared. I didn't want you to run."

Hailey cradles Jay's face between her hands and gently tugs it toward hers, putting her forehead against his. "I'm not going anywhere, Jay. I'm here to stay."

Jay lets out a breath, his lips curling upward. "Careful, you won't be able to get rid of me after this."

Hailey huffs out a laugh, "That's the plan."

She looks up to him and almost shivers to what she sees in his stormy blue eyes, longing and something dangerously akin to love that she knows mirrors what Jay must be seeing in hers. And a promise, that one day, when the circumstances let them, when they heal, when they are better, they will allow themselves to act upon what they tiptoe around. She leads him to the bed. They drown in a peaceful sleep, wrapped around each other, temporary solace from the cold outside world.

oOo

Thanks for reading, hope you liked. I might write a bit more stories in that same universe, hopefully during summer.

oOo