NB: Same old, same old.
Crack-monkey! This is taking me longer than I thought. Must remind myself that I have no life and therefore have no excuse for NOT finishing this by the end of this week.mmmm.cracker.
Special thanks to my reviewers. This whole story is for you guys.
Don't worry folks.We are encroaching on the moment of truth.as this is the second last chapter.
**
Courage: Live, Love, and for God's Sake, Let Die!
**
Faye let consciousness come to her slowly. It was rare for her not to wake up with a start lately, and she enjoyed the leisurely pace.
She knew immediately that she wasn't in her own room. She was very warm, though it didn't exceed comfort. Pressing her face into the pillow, she could smell the faint scents of fabric softener, cigarettes, and.
//Spike.\\
His one arm was still over her, and she could feel the heat from his steady breathing on the top of her head. Pressing her back against him, she closed her eyes again.
She didn't want to think about the previous night. She didn't want to think of how angry she had been, how she had taken it out on him. She cleared her mind of the images of her striking him, of how he looked when he had nearly knocked her down outside of his room. She didn't want to think about how he had kissed her.how she had wanted him to kiss her so badly, and when he did, she didn't respond. She didn't think about what had possessed her to follow him into his room, to tell him about how he shot her in her dreams. She didn't want to tell him how lonely she was.
She thought of nothing.
It didn't matter anymore.
**
Seven o'clock. Spike's eyes opened as if on a timer. He blinked several times; unable to determine when exactly he had fallen asleep.
For a moment, he had forgotten that he wasn't alone. He almost didn't feel the warmth and softness of her hair under his chin. But breathing deeply, he could not miss the scent of her, the faintest sweetness that caused him to tighten his arm around her.
If thought hadn't harassed him, Spike could have fallen asleep again as a contented man.
He forced his eyes open, and raising himself up, he shifted away from Faye's body. Trying not to awaken her, he moved to the edge of his bed and stood up. Spike spent several moments looking down at her. Faye's face betrayed no unease, and Spike thought she looked perfectly peaceful, almost happy. Her legs were curled up close to her chest and she hugged the sheets close to her chest.
//She really is.beautiful,\\ he thought, though he wasn't sure if he was entirely pleased. Sighing, he rubbed his eyes. //I can't do this, Faye.\\ He didn't have the courage to say it out loud, even though she was asleep. //I can't love you. I'm not ready for this. I --\\
Gritting his teeth in frustration he turned and left the room. Passing Faye's room, he saw the door was open, and Ed was still sleeping on the older woman's bed. Faye must have planned on sleeping on the couch, which for some reason, made Spike feel odd. He had adjusted his own behaviour towards Ed, wanting to be a better role model for the young girl, but seeing Faye also treat Ed exceptionally well made Spike feel.
//What?\\ He demanded of himself. //So Faye doesn't pick the kid up and toss her on the couch. That makes you feel good?\\
Spike paused in the middle of the narrow corridor, scratching his head and scowling. To an onlooker, it might have appeared as though he was holding a discussion with himself. //Yeah, I guess it does.\\ He hung his head and continued walking. //It makes it that much easier to.\\
He quickened his pace, practically storming into the laundry room and yanking his shirt and pants from the makeshift line. //You're an idiot.\\ he fumed at himself. //A fucking two-timing bastard idiot!\\
"Two-timing!?" he exclaimed out loud, stretching his arms out in exasperation as he made to leave the laundry room. "Where the hell did that come from?"
He stormed back down the corridor until he reached the vacant bathroom, and entering, he slammed the door behind him. //She died five months ago. Only five, and you've been awake for ONE of those months.\\ He narrowed his eyes at his reflection in the mirror. //.Fraternizing with the enemy!\\
"Whose enemy?" Spike demanded of his reflection, before pulling his tank top over his head. His eye momentarily caught the un-bandaged wound on his abdomen, running his hand over the bright pink, still very tender flesh. "It isn't like that. I'll never feel about Faye the same way I felt about Julia."
//Felt?\\
"Feel!"
//Such an unfaithful bastard.\\
"I am not having this conversation!" Spike snapped at his reflection. "I am not in love with her!"
//In love with who?\\
Spike jabbed his finger at the mirror angrily.
"HER!" he roared, unable to say a name. "I haven't done anything wrong. It's not like I don't feel guilty, it's not like -"
//Unfaithful.\\
"Obnoxious!"
//Unfaithful.\\
"I am not!" he hissed, slamming the palms of his hands against the wall on either side of the mirror.
//Are too.\\
"Am NOT!"
//Are too!\\
"And Julia wasn't?" Spike yelled, blood rising in his face. But at the sound of his words, he sighed, rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hand.
The sound of the door being pounded on made Spike straighten up and look towards the door with raised eyebrows.
"Hey!" Jet's voice came from behind the door. "What the hell is going on in there?"
A sheepish look crept onto Spike's face as he remembered that, even though it was only seven o'clock, Jet was always up early. He knew he was probably infringing on the older man's shower time.
"Nothing!" Spike called nonchalantly, glaring at his reflection.
"Good," Jet called back, "Because I have a bounty on Mars for you today, and it's not going to work out well if you go all certifiable on me. Now hurry up! He might be on the move."
Spike felt his face burn. He hadn't realized he was being so loud.But that was beside the point. //A bounty on Mars?\\ Spike sighed miserably. //Of all the places I could return to.\\
"Whatever!" he replied to Jet, and pointing an accusing finger at his reflection, he lowered his voice. "We'll finish this later."
**
When he returned to his room from his shower, Faye was awake. She was sitting on the edge of his bed, head in hands and staring at the wall. She turned and smiled at him slightly when she heard him enter.
"Yo," he greeted her quietly, moving across the room to pick up his shoes from where he had kicked them off the night before. Faye made no move to get up, and Spike sat beside her on the bed after he found clean socks, and he pulled both his socks, then his shoes on.
"You're up early," Faye murmured, reaching over to his nightstand and picking up the tie he hand left there.
"You too," he replied, accepting his tie when Faye offered it to him. "Jet says he has a bounty for me. I've been a lazy ass."
Faye smirked and Spike cocked an annoyed eyebrow at her.
"You've probably lost your touch," Faye said as she began to stretch. "You'll need someone to keep you out of trouble."
Spike didn't reply right away, turning away from Faye and staring at the wall as she had been doing earlier.
"Nah," he finally said, running a hand through his hair. "It's a small- fry." He felt her eyes on him. "On Mars."
"Oh."
The word left her lips as though it were a sigh, and Faye soon found herself looking at the wall again as well.
"What happened?" Spike broke the silence, though he kept his eyes focused in front of him. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Faye bring a hand up to her throat. She almost immediately put it back down in her lap.
"What do you mean?" she asked, though she knew perfectly well. She could hear Spike sigh in slight annoyance, and he turned to her. She didn't face him.
"You know what I mean. What happened?"
"I already told you."
Spike shrugged, as if the previous telling of her misfortune hardly mattered.
"Tell me again."
She let him watch her for several moments before she spoke. She never looked at him, and when she began to speak, she felt his gaze shift back to the wall.
"I was just looking around," she started with a sigh. "Jet told me that Rowan has his security changed at noon and midnight."
"Long shifts," Spike muttered, but Faye ignored him.
"I waited until night. I was going to try and get past at the night switch. I guess that.other bounty hunter was planning the same thing. We literally bumped into each other. I couldn't even hear him coming."
Faye paused, bringing her hand to her mouth and chewing on her nails. Spike elbowed her to continue. She scowled at him.
"He asked me 'what the hell' I was doing there, and I just asked him the same thing. He looked really mad, telling me that he was there for the 25 million. I laughed at him," Faye sighed, propping her chin on her hand miserably, "which I probably shouldn't have done. I told him tough shit, because I was there for the bounty. He said that he'd give me two percent if I just pissed off." She brought her hand to her neck again, and this time it stayed there.
"Then what?"
"I told him to fuck off."
"And?"
"He shot me."
"He SHOT you?" Spike's head snapped over to look at her in disbelief, but an undeniable look of concern crossed his features. Faye rolled her eyes.
"Well, he shot AT me. I'm pretty sure he meant to kill me, but the bullet just grazed my arm."
"Lousy shot." Spike eyes were still intent of Faye, and she thought she could hear the relief, no matter how little, in his voice.
"Yeah."
Faye didn't continue; she reached over to Spike's nightstand again and grabbed his cigarettes and lighter. Spike didn't object as she took a cigarette and passed the package to him. He waited for her to take a drag before he asked her to continue. While she spoke, he lit his own cigarette.
"I had a few seconds to take cover while he stood there wondering how he had missed me. After that, it's pretty self-explanatory. We had a little shoot out, which alerted the guys I was trying to sneak around. When he stopped shooting, I figured he was reloading, or even better, was out of bullets." She took another drag. "I was out of bullets, and I didn't really think before I took off. It wasn't long before I could hear him running after me. At first, I thought maybe he was just trying to get away too, but I risked looking behind me, and I hate to admit it, but I was scared. I think he was rabid or something.
"It didn't take me long to lose him the first time, and that's when I called Jet. But I guess he could hear me talking, because he practically jumped on me out of no where."
"So you didn't risk calling on your phone again." Spike concluded, rubbing his eyes.
"I didn't risk having it ring either. I turned it off."
Spike nodded, but didn't say anything else. He waited for her to continue.
"It took me longer to lose him this time, but when I did, I waited there for what seemed a whole day. When I thought it was safe, I took off in the Red Tail, and there he was again. It was just one big game of hide and seek, and each time he found me, the closer he got to doing me in." She laughed then, and the sound brought Spike to the present, and he realized he was clenching his fists.
"What?"
"Nothing," Faye replied, the humour leaving her face as she exhaled smoke from her nose. "I was just thinking how fucking stupid it was chase after me when he could have been trying to get the 25 million woolongs. Guess I'm just such a charmer."
"Don't kid yourself -" Spike started with a carefree shrug, but Faye elbowed him before he could finish. Instead:
"How'd you finally lose him?"
It was Faye's turn to give a shrug, and she dropped her cigarette into an old Coke can on Spike's nightstand. Before she could start speaking, Ed bound into the room, crouching down and leaping onto Spike's bed like a frog.
"Awake!" she sang, standing behind Spike and Faye and grabbing each of their heads in the crook of her arms. "Ed likes Faye-Faye's bed!"
"Then why are you up so early," Faye muttered, trying to pull away from Ed.
"Ein was hungry so Ed went to get some food." The girl paused and took on a thoughtful pose. "Ed saw Jet-Person, and told me to tell Spike-Person to get his ass in gear before the bounty disappears!" She shrieked the last word, releasing both Spike and Faye and vaulted of the bed.
Spike sighed, getting up from his bed. He momentarily forgot about the conversation they were having before Ed interrupted.
"Impatience comes with age." He shrugged at Faye, "I'm sure you know that already."
He ducked when Faye threw a pillow at him.
"Touchy woman."
**
"You sure you're up to this?" Jet asked, watching Spike get into his Swordfish. He didn't miss the fact that the younger man had no gun. He had left the Bebop with his Jericho, but the gun never returned with him. But that didn't bother him. Jet knew Spike could look after himself in that respect.but he couldn't help but wonder if he shouldn't have just passed up this bounty-head. Or at least have taken it himself. //Maybe I should have just given him more time before making him come back here.\\
"Well, I dunno about you," Spike said with a shrug, turning to face Jet, "but I'm hungry, and I'm getting low on smokes. Two million woolongs just might improve my situation."
He was about to turn around when he saw Faye enter the hanger. Taking this as his cue to leave, Jet shrugged and walked out.
Faye walked forward slowly, and it seemed to Spike as if she was hesitating. Deciding that he had a few more minutes to spare, he hopped down from the Swordfish to meet Faye.
He stopped short and nearly laughed when he saw she was holding her Glock.
"Are you going to try and shoot me again?"
Anger flashed in Faye's eyes and her cheeks flushed. She clutched the Glock at her side, but she relaxed when Spike stepped very close to her. Reaching out, he brushed a strand of hair from her face. //I could leave,\\ he thought. //I could leave this all behind.be free of Mars, Julia, the guilt.Faye.\\
His hand dropped from her face at the thought, but Faye caught hold of it. Eyes never leaving his face, she pressed the Glock into his hand.
"Until you get yours back," she whispered. "Be careful."
Spike smirked. "Thanks," he said, tucking the Glock where he usually put his Jericho. It didn't feel quite right, but Spike was.touched.by Faye's consideration. //I could leave and never have to feel guilty again. I'll never have to feel bad when Faye makes me feel good.\\
Unable to think of anything else to say, Spike turned towards his Swordfish, but Faye reached out and took his hand again. He wasn't sure why he was so shocked by her touch. He was so afraid of the implications that he nearly jerked his hand away. But he had to turn and face her. Despite the tortured, unreasonable voice in his head, he wanted to turn and face her.
She was crying, which made Spike feel very uncomfortable, if not a little confused.
"Jesus, Faye," he muttered. "It's not like I'm not coming back."
Even as the words left his mouth, he felt incredibly guilty, and incredibly stupid. //It would be so easy.just to forget and be free.\\
"I want it back," Faye said, wiping her eyes with her free hand. "You can't expect a girl to walk around without her gun, so you had better bring it back."
Spike felt a hitch in his throat, and despite his intentions, he was squeezing Faye's hand.
"Good thing it's not your only gun," he said, trying to keep his voice light.
"Spike." She lowered her head, and Spike wasn't sure if she was still crying, or just not looking at him. He didn't know what else to do, so he pulled her against him.
"I'll come back," he didn't know if he was telling the truth or lying, "I promise."
**
It seemed to be over before he could blink. It was so effortless that Spike wondered if it had even happened. He didn't even have to resort to Faye's Glock, though it was a solid, stable, and comforting presence against him. His support.
The man was sitting at the bar, not bothering to be inconspicuous. Spike hadn't realized Manuel Macy was so old from the picture on Jet's monitor. His gray head was bent over his pint, and it looked as though he was nodding off to sleep. Spike almost felt kindly towards him.
//Fifty years is a long time to spend trafficking drugs and running from cops,\\ Spike thought, moving towards the bar and taking a seat beside Macy. //He probably looks good, considering.\\
When the bartender inquired, Spike motioned to the old man's drink, and soon Spike had his own pint of.//What is this?\\ He shrugged, taking a swig and grimacing as the bitter, nearly black beer assaulted his mouth. //Nasty.gotta stick to the hard stuff.\\
Before Spike could turn, the Macy was already speaking, eyes staring down into the beer before him.
"Can you let me finish this first? Might be my last."
Spike was slightly surprised, wondering if he had been that obvious.
"How'd you know?" He asked Macy, and the old man chuckled, turning his tired, rheumy-eyed gaze to Spike. He nodded at the pint Spike had just ordered.
"Young lads like yourself don't usually pick spots right next to fogies like me and order McCullough's Ore. Those who do are asking for trouble." Macy started to chuckle again, but stopped when he was wracked with a deep coughing fit. Spike thought it sounded as if the old man's lungs had come loose and were rattling around in his chest.
"Do you smoke, lad?" Macy asked when he had capped his coughing. He pulled out a small pack of Marlboros, and taking a cigarette, proceeded to light it.
"No," Spike lied; glad he had smoked his last cigarette before he entered the bar.
"Good. Life's too short without trying to poison ourselves."
"Is that what you told all your customers," Spike asked with raised eyebrows, hoping the old man hadn't picked that moment to have a revelation.
Macy shrugged.
"Even if I did, you think anyone would listen?" He took a drag on his cigarette. "Doesn't matter now I guess. Hopefully I'll never have to look at another drug again. I don't even want to look at Aspirin."
They sat in silence for several moments, staring into their pints, before Spike turned to him again.
"So what are you going to do?"
Macy snorted.
"What do you mean? I'm going to make you some money." He stubbed his cigarette out, and turned to face Spike.
"I'm getting too old for this. I'm eighty-three years old. Who ever heard of an eighty-three year old drug lord." He laughed again.
//Do I really want to hear this?\\
"Before, I did it because I needed the money. I was born poor, and I grew up poor. I married a poor girl, and we had poor children."
//Fascinating.\\
"I thought that if I could just make some easy money, I could get educated. Get a real job. Life is one cruel son of a bitch, lad. If you try to improve it, it will get you back ten fold."
//Makes sense.\\ Spike's interest peaked slightly.
"Never got that education. What I did get was trouble with local authorities, which forced me to run. If I wanted to keep running, I had to traffic more drugs. You see? It's an endless cycle of screwing up and running away."
//That's all we do, is screw up and run away. And for what?\\
"I'm tired of running. You don't gain a damn thing from running."
"Not even freedom." Spike muttered, his mouth tasting like ash.
"Aye. You run because you want to keep your freedom. But it doesn't take long to realize that the moment you took flight you created your own little prison. Especially if you leave your loved ones behind. It's a never ending question of, 'where are they, are they still alive, have they moved on?' It's not something you can ever forget. It'll haunt you until the day you die."
Macy stopped, staring down into his beer lost in thought.
Spike felt the sudden need to curl up in a corner and die. He had just learned a life lesson that struck home, from his bounty head, no less. It was only too true, and it made Spike angry. He had run away once; for his freedom and for the woman he had loved. And he had never achieved either of those things. Everyday, caught up in thoughts of her, wondering where she was, if she was still alive, if she had moved on.//Of course she had. Not easily, but I'm sure she didn't have too many problems chumming with Vicious.otherwise; she would have come with me. Not that Vicious would let her.\\
Torture, if what he had experienced could be summed into one word. Torture. For nothing. He ran away to no relief, for a woman who would neither accompany him, nor wait for him, //and I'll be damned if I let that happen again.I'll --\\
"Well, I'm ready when you are, lad."
Back to the present, Spike realized he had been gripping his beer mug so hard that his knuckles were white.
"That's it?" Spike muttered, "You really are just going to give yourself up that easily?"
Macy shrugged again, his face seeming to sag in exhaustion.
"If it would make you feel better, I could attempt to beat you with my walker, but I don't have one, and all I want is a nice long nap. I hear the place I'm going isn't all that bad. Three squares and a real bed. What more could I ask for at this age?"
Spike smirked, pushing back from the bar and standing up. He was a little skeptical, half expecting the bent old man to try something funny when Spike's back was turned.
"If you say so." he pulled out a pair of handcuff's he snatched from Jet, and loosely cuffed the old man to himself. "Just in case." Spike explained nonchalantly. //Now we can both get some rest.\\
**
It was a week before Spike could muster the courage to go back to the Bebop. He called, always making excuses for not coming back, but in the end, he found that he wanted nothing more than to return.
But first.
The Our Lady of Sorrows graveyard was so enormous that Spike found himself back at the cathedral, looking through the directory. The actual church building was empty, save for the scattered mourners who were also resorting to the large directory at the back of the church. Spike waited his turn before stepping up to the small computer. Taking a deep breath, he typed his inquiry.
Nothing.
Unfazed, he typed the surname 'Doe', and was greeted by an uncomfortably long list. Looking behind him, Spike nodded and smiled at the people in queue. //She's got to be here somewhere."
And she was, under the name Julia Doe. Spike checked the date of death to make sure, and then activated the listing. He was shown the exact plot where she was buried, and a small map came whirring from a hidden printer.
//Good system,\\ Spike thought, picking up the map and making to leave.
**
The sun beat down hard on his back as he crouched before her stone. He had a single Azalea blossom that he had picked at the entrance to the graveyard. He tucked it into the little holder that was fastened to the stone for such a purpose.
"Isn't much," he muttered, "wasn't planning on coming here, but I guess it's the thought that counts."
He reached out and traced the engraving of her name with his finger.
"That's all I ever had of you." He brushed his other hand through his hair as he sighed. "All I ever had were thoughts. Even when I held you, it would be thoughts of when I would be able to hold you again. When I would be free to hold you forever."
Spike stopped long enough to tilt his head back at the sky, squinting against the light.
"I can't do this anymore, Julia. It's time for me to wake up." He stood up, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I'm not going to spend my life wondering what could have happened, or regretting what happened. And I'm not going to run away from this life now just because I still don't have answers from my previous life. I'm not going to deny myself all the good things I have just because I could never have them before.with you. I can't live that kind of life anymore. It's all in the past now, and the dream is over."
Spike found himself drawing a shaky breath, and he hung his head waiting for the sting in his eyes and the hitch in his throat to subside. After several minutes, he looked at her stone one last time.
"I loved you Julia. I'll probably always love you, but not here."
He was surprised at how easily he could turn from her, how easily he could walk away. But he knew it was because he wasn't leaving her, not totally. She would always be there as he moved on, as he continued to live. And for the first time, he had the felt the ease of knowing that, no matter how he moved on in life, she would understand. //I'm not going to run away again. Ever.\\
Walking from the graveyard, he looked up at the sky, smiling. He wasn't happy, but he felt redeemed. It was one of the better feelings he had in a long time.
//Never seen a bluer sky.\\
**
Ok, that's the end of that chapter. SORRY FOR ANY MISTAKES!
Next chapter will be the final chapter, and I bet you can't guess what'll happen there.sheesh. News Flash: Spike joins the circus as the bearded lady.
Anyway, I'll try to get it up as soon as possible, but no promises.
Crack-monkey! This is taking me longer than I thought. Must remind myself that I have no life and therefore have no excuse for NOT finishing this by the end of this week.mmmm.cracker.
Special thanks to my reviewers. This whole story is for you guys.
Don't worry folks.We are encroaching on the moment of truth.as this is the second last chapter.
**
Courage: Live, Love, and for God's Sake, Let Die!
**
Faye let consciousness come to her slowly. It was rare for her not to wake up with a start lately, and she enjoyed the leisurely pace.
She knew immediately that she wasn't in her own room. She was very warm, though it didn't exceed comfort. Pressing her face into the pillow, she could smell the faint scents of fabric softener, cigarettes, and.
//Spike.\\
His one arm was still over her, and she could feel the heat from his steady breathing on the top of her head. Pressing her back against him, she closed her eyes again.
She didn't want to think about the previous night. She didn't want to think of how angry she had been, how she had taken it out on him. She cleared her mind of the images of her striking him, of how he looked when he had nearly knocked her down outside of his room. She didn't want to think about how he had kissed her.how she had wanted him to kiss her so badly, and when he did, she didn't respond. She didn't think about what had possessed her to follow him into his room, to tell him about how he shot her in her dreams. She didn't want to tell him how lonely she was.
She thought of nothing.
It didn't matter anymore.
**
Seven o'clock. Spike's eyes opened as if on a timer. He blinked several times; unable to determine when exactly he had fallen asleep.
For a moment, he had forgotten that he wasn't alone. He almost didn't feel the warmth and softness of her hair under his chin. But breathing deeply, he could not miss the scent of her, the faintest sweetness that caused him to tighten his arm around her.
If thought hadn't harassed him, Spike could have fallen asleep again as a contented man.
He forced his eyes open, and raising himself up, he shifted away from Faye's body. Trying not to awaken her, he moved to the edge of his bed and stood up. Spike spent several moments looking down at her. Faye's face betrayed no unease, and Spike thought she looked perfectly peaceful, almost happy. Her legs were curled up close to her chest and she hugged the sheets close to her chest.
//She really is.beautiful,\\ he thought, though he wasn't sure if he was entirely pleased. Sighing, he rubbed his eyes. //I can't do this, Faye.\\ He didn't have the courage to say it out loud, even though she was asleep. //I can't love you. I'm not ready for this. I --\\
Gritting his teeth in frustration he turned and left the room. Passing Faye's room, he saw the door was open, and Ed was still sleeping on the older woman's bed. Faye must have planned on sleeping on the couch, which for some reason, made Spike feel odd. He had adjusted his own behaviour towards Ed, wanting to be a better role model for the young girl, but seeing Faye also treat Ed exceptionally well made Spike feel.
//What?\\ He demanded of himself. //So Faye doesn't pick the kid up and toss her on the couch. That makes you feel good?\\
Spike paused in the middle of the narrow corridor, scratching his head and scowling. To an onlooker, it might have appeared as though he was holding a discussion with himself. //Yeah, I guess it does.\\ He hung his head and continued walking. //It makes it that much easier to.\\
He quickened his pace, practically storming into the laundry room and yanking his shirt and pants from the makeshift line. //You're an idiot.\\ he fumed at himself. //A fucking two-timing bastard idiot!\\
"Two-timing!?" he exclaimed out loud, stretching his arms out in exasperation as he made to leave the laundry room. "Where the hell did that come from?"
He stormed back down the corridor until he reached the vacant bathroom, and entering, he slammed the door behind him. //She died five months ago. Only five, and you've been awake for ONE of those months.\\ He narrowed his eyes at his reflection in the mirror. //.Fraternizing with the enemy!\\
"Whose enemy?" Spike demanded of his reflection, before pulling his tank top over his head. His eye momentarily caught the un-bandaged wound on his abdomen, running his hand over the bright pink, still very tender flesh. "It isn't like that. I'll never feel about Faye the same way I felt about Julia."
//Felt?\\
"Feel!"
//Such an unfaithful bastard.\\
"I am not having this conversation!" Spike snapped at his reflection. "I am not in love with her!"
//In love with who?\\
Spike jabbed his finger at the mirror angrily.
"HER!" he roared, unable to say a name. "I haven't done anything wrong. It's not like I don't feel guilty, it's not like -"
//Unfaithful.\\
"Obnoxious!"
//Unfaithful.\\
"I am not!" he hissed, slamming the palms of his hands against the wall on either side of the mirror.
//Are too.\\
"Am NOT!"
//Are too!\\
"And Julia wasn't?" Spike yelled, blood rising in his face. But at the sound of his words, he sighed, rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hand.
The sound of the door being pounded on made Spike straighten up and look towards the door with raised eyebrows.
"Hey!" Jet's voice came from behind the door. "What the hell is going on in there?"
A sheepish look crept onto Spike's face as he remembered that, even though it was only seven o'clock, Jet was always up early. He knew he was probably infringing on the older man's shower time.
"Nothing!" Spike called nonchalantly, glaring at his reflection.
"Good," Jet called back, "Because I have a bounty on Mars for you today, and it's not going to work out well if you go all certifiable on me. Now hurry up! He might be on the move."
Spike felt his face burn. He hadn't realized he was being so loud.But that was beside the point. //A bounty on Mars?\\ Spike sighed miserably. //Of all the places I could return to.\\
"Whatever!" he replied to Jet, and pointing an accusing finger at his reflection, he lowered his voice. "We'll finish this later."
**
When he returned to his room from his shower, Faye was awake. She was sitting on the edge of his bed, head in hands and staring at the wall. She turned and smiled at him slightly when she heard him enter.
"Yo," he greeted her quietly, moving across the room to pick up his shoes from where he had kicked them off the night before. Faye made no move to get up, and Spike sat beside her on the bed after he found clean socks, and he pulled both his socks, then his shoes on.
"You're up early," Faye murmured, reaching over to his nightstand and picking up the tie he hand left there.
"You too," he replied, accepting his tie when Faye offered it to him. "Jet says he has a bounty for me. I've been a lazy ass."
Faye smirked and Spike cocked an annoyed eyebrow at her.
"You've probably lost your touch," Faye said as she began to stretch. "You'll need someone to keep you out of trouble."
Spike didn't reply right away, turning away from Faye and staring at the wall as she had been doing earlier.
"Nah," he finally said, running a hand through his hair. "It's a small- fry." He felt her eyes on him. "On Mars."
"Oh."
The word left her lips as though it were a sigh, and Faye soon found herself looking at the wall again as well.
"What happened?" Spike broke the silence, though he kept his eyes focused in front of him. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Faye bring a hand up to her throat. She almost immediately put it back down in her lap.
"What do you mean?" she asked, though she knew perfectly well. She could hear Spike sigh in slight annoyance, and he turned to her. She didn't face him.
"You know what I mean. What happened?"
"I already told you."
Spike shrugged, as if the previous telling of her misfortune hardly mattered.
"Tell me again."
She let him watch her for several moments before she spoke. She never looked at him, and when she began to speak, she felt his gaze shift back to the wall.
"I was just looking around," she started with a sigh. "Jet told me that Rowan has his security changed at noon and midnight."
"Long shifts," Spike muttered, but Faye ignored him.
"I waited until night. I was going to try and get past at the night switch. I guess that.other bounty hunter was planning the same thing. We literally bumped into each other. I couldn't even hear him coming."
Faye paused, bringing her hand to her mouth and chewing on her nails. Spike elbowed her to continue. She scowled at him.
"He asked me 'what the hell' I was doing there, and I just asked him the same thing. He looked really mad, telling me that he was there for the 25 million. I laughed at him," Faye sighed, propping her chin on her hand miserably, "which I probably shouldn't have done. I told him tough shit, because I was there for the bounty. He said that he'd give me two percent if I just pissed off." She brought her hand to her neck again, and this time it stayed there.
"Then what?"
"I told him to fuck off."
"And?"
"He shot me."
"He SHOT you?" Spike's head snapped over to look at her in disbelief, but an undeniable look of concern crossed his features. Faye rolled her eyes.
"Well, he shot AT me. I'm pretty sure he meant to kill me, but the bullet just grazed my arm."
"Lousy shot." Spike eyes were still intent of Faye, and she thought she could hear the relief, no matter how little, in his voice.
"Yeah."
Faye didn't continue; she reached over to Spike's nightstand again and grabbed his cigarettes and lighter. Spike didn't object as she took a cigarette and passed the package to him. He waited for her to take a drag before he asked her to continue. While she spoke, he lit his own cigarette.
"I had a few seconds to take cover while he stood there wondering how he had missed me. After that, it's pretty self-explanatory. We had a little shoot out, which alerted the guys I was trying to sneak around. When he stopped shooting, I figured he was reloading, or even better, was out of bullets." She took another drag. "I was out of bullets, and I didn't really think before I took off. It wasn't long before I could hear him running after me. At first, I thought maybe he was just trying to get away too, but I risked looking behind me, and I hate to admit it, but I was scared. I think he was rabid or something.
"It didn't take me long to lose him the first time, and that's when I called Jet. But I guess he could hear me talking, because he practically jumped on me out of no where."
"So you didn't risk calling on your phone again." Spike concluded, rubbing his eyes.
"I didn't risk having it ring either. I turned it off."
Spike nodded, but didn't say anything else. He waited for her to continue.
"It took me longer to lose him this time, but when I did, I waited there for what seemed a whole day. When I thought it was safe, I took off in the Red Tail, and there he was again. It was just one big game of hide and seek, and each time he found me, the closer he got to doing me in." She laughed then, and the sound brought Spike to the present, and he realized he was clenching his fists.
"What?"
"Nothing," Faye replied, the humour leaving her face as she exhaled smoke from her nose. "I was just thinking how fucking stupid it was chase after me when he could have been trying to get the 25 million woolongs. Guess I'm just such a charmer."
"Don't kid yourself -" Spike started with a carefree shrug, but Faye elbowed him before he could finish. Instead:
"How'd you finally lose him?"
It was Faye's turn to give a shrug, and she dropped her cigarette into an old Coke can on Spike's nightstand. Before she could start speaking, Ed bound into the room, crouching down and leaping onto Spike's bed like a frog.
"Awake!" she sang, standing behind Spike and Faye and grabbing each of their heads in the crook of her arms. "Ed likes Faye-Faye's bed!"
"Then why are you up so early," Faye muttered, trying to pull away from Ed.
"Ein was hungry so Ed went to get some food." The girl paused and took on a thoughtful pose. "Ed saw Jet-Person, and told me to tell Spike-Person to get his ass in gear before the bounty disappears!" She shrieked the last word, releasing both Spike and Faye and vaulted of the bed.
Spike sighed, getting up from his bed. He momentarily forgot about the conversation they were having before Ed interrupted.
"Impatience comes with age." He shrugged at Faye, "I'm sure you know that already."
He ducked when Faye threw a pillow at him.
"Touchy woman."
**
"You sure you're up to this?" Jet asked, watching Spike get into his Swordfish. He didn't miss the fact that the younger man had no gun. He had left the Bebop with his Jericho, but the gun never returned with him. But that didn't bother him. Jet knew Spike could look after himself in that respect.but he couldn't help but wonder if he shouldn't have just passed up this bounty-head. Or at least have taken it himself. //Maybe I should have just given him more time before making him come back here.\\
"Well, I dunno about you," Spike said with a shrug, turning to face Jet, "but I'm hungry, and I'm getting low on smokes. Two million woolongs just might improve my situation."
He was about to turn around when he saw Faye enter the hanger. Taking this as his cue to leave, Jet shrugged and walked out.
Faye walked forward slowly, and it seemed to Spike as if she was hesitating. Deciding that he had a few more minutes to spare, he hopped down from the Swordfish to meet Faye.
He stopped short and nearly laughed when he saw she was holding her Glock.
"Are you going to try and shoot me again?"
Anger flashed in Faye's eyes and her cheeks flushed. She clutched the Glock at her side, but she relaxed when Spike stepped very close to her. Reaching out, he brushed a strand of hair from her face. //I could leave,\\ he thought. //I could leave this all behind.be free of Mars, Julia, the guilt.Faye.\\
His hand dropped from her face at the thought, but Faye caught hold of it. Eyes never leaving his face, she pressed the Glock into his hand.
"Until you get yours back," she whispered. "Be careful."
Spike smirked. "Thanks," he said, tucking the Glock where he usually put his Jericho. It didn't feel quite right, but Spike was.touched.by Faye's consideration. //I could leave and never have to feel guilty again. I'll never have to feel bad when Faye makes me feel good.\\
Unable to think of anything else to say, Spike turned towards his Swordfish, but Faye reached out and took his hand again. He wasn't sure why he was so shocked by her touch. He was so afraid of the implications that he nearly jerked his hand away. But he had to turn and face her. Despite the tortured, unreasonable voice in his head, he wanted to turn and face her.
She was crying, which made Spike feel very uncomfortable, if not a little confused.
"Jesus, Faye," he muttered. "It's not like I'm not coming back."
Even as the words left his mouth, he felt incredibly guilty, and incredibly stupid. //It would be so easy.just to forget and be free.\\
"I want it back," Faye said, wiping her eyes with her free hand. "You can't expect a girl to walk around without her gun, so you had better bring it back."
Spike felt a hitch in his throat, and despite his intentions, he was squeezing Faye's hand.
"Good thing it's not your only gun," he said, trying to keep his voice light.
"Spike." She lowered her head, and Spike wasn't sure if she was still crying, or just not looking at him. He didn't know what else to do, so he pulled her against him.
"I'll come back," he didn't know if he was telling the truth or lying, "I promise."
**
It seemed to be over before he could blink. It was so effortless that Spike wondered if it had even happened. He didn't even have to resort to Faye's Glock, though it was a solid, stable, and comforting presence against him. His support.
The man was sitting at the bar, not bothering to be inconspicuous. Spike hadn't realized Manuel Macy was so old from the picture on Jet's monitor. His gray head was bent over his pint, and it looked as though he was nodding off to sleep. Spike almost felt kindly towards him.
//Fifty years is a long time to spend trafficking drugs and running from cops,\\ Spike thought, moving towards the bar and taking a seat beside Macy. //He probably looks good, considering.\\
When the bartender inquired, Spike motioned to the old man's drink, and soon Spike had his own pint of.//What is this?\\ He shrugged, taking a swig and grimacing as the bitter, nearly black beer assaulted his mouth. //Nasty.gotta stick to the hard stuff.\\
Before Spike could turn, the Macy was already speaking, eyes staring down into the beer before him.
"Can you let me finish this first? Might be my last."
Spike was slightly surprised, wondering if he had been that obvious.
"How'd you know?" He asked Macy, and the old man chuckled, turning his tired, rheumy-eyed gaze to Spike. He nodded at the pint Spike had just ordered.
"Young lads like yourself don't usually pick spots right next to fogies like me and order McCullough's Ore. Those who do are asking for trouble." Macy started to chuckle again, but stopped when he was wracked with a deep coughing fit. Spike thought it sounded as if the old man's lungs had come loose and were rattling around in his chest.
"Do you smoke, lad?" Macy asked when he had capped his coughing. He pulled out a small pack of Marlboros, and taking a cigarette, proceeded to light it.
"No," Spike lied; glad he had smoked his last cigarette before he entered the bar.
"Good. Life's too short without trying to poison ourselves."
"Is that what you told all your customers," Spike asked with raised eyebrows, hoping the old man hadn't picked that moment to have a revelation.
Macy shrugged.
"Even if I did, you think anyone would listen?" He took a drag on his cigarette. "Doesn't matter now I guess. Hopefully I'll never have to look at another drug again. I don't even want to look at Aspirin."
They sat in silence for several moments, staring into their pints, before Spike turned to him again.
"So what are you going to do?"
Macy snorted.
"What do you mean? I'm going to make you some money." He stubbed his cigarette out, and turned to face Spike.
"I'm getting too old for this. I'm eighty-three years old. Who ever heard of an eighty-three year old drug lord." He laughed again.
//Do I really want to hear this?\\
"Before, I did it because I needed the money. I was born poor, and I grew up poor. I married a poor girl, and we had poor children."
//Fascinating.\\
"I thought that if I could just make some easy money, I could get educated. Get a real job. Life is one cruel son of a bitch, lad. If you try to improve it, it will get you back ten fold."
//Makes sense.\\ Spike's interest peaked slightly.
"Never got that education. What I did get was trouble with local authorities, which forced me to run. If I wanted to keep running, I had to traffic more drugs. You see? It's an endless cycle of screwing up and running away."
//That's all we do, is screw up and run away. And for what?\\
"I'm tired of running. You don't gain a damn thing from running."
"Not even freedom." Spike muttered, his mouth tasting like ash.
"Aye. You run because you want to keep your freedom. But it doesn't take long to realize that the moment you took flight you created your own little prison. Especially if you leave your loved ones behind. It's a never ending question of, 'where are they, are they still alive, have they moved on?' It's not something you can ever forget. It'll haunt you until the day you die."
Macy stopped, staring down into his beer lost in thought.
Spike felt the sudden need to curl up in a corner and die. He had just learned a life lesson that struck home, from his bounty head, no less. It was only too true, and it made Spike angry. He had run away once; for his freedom and for the woman he had loved. And he had never achieved either of those things. Everyday, caught up in thoughts of her, wondering where she was, if she was still alive, if she had moved on.//Of course she had. Not easily, but I'm sure she didn't have too many problems chumming with Vicious.otherwise; she would have come with me. Not that Vicious would let her.\\
Torture, if what he had experienced could be summed into one word. Torture. For nothing. He ran away to no relief, for a woman who would neither accompany him, nor wait for him, //and I'll be damned if I let that happen again.I'll --\\
"Well, I'm ready when you are, lad."
Back to the present, Spike realized he had been gripping his beer mug so hard that his knuckles were white.
"That's it?" Spike muttered, "You really are just going to give yourself up that easily?"
Macy shrugged again, his face seeming to sag in exhaustion.
"If it would make you feel better, I could attempt to beat you with my walker, but I don't have one, and all I want is a nice long nap. I hear the place I'm going isn't all that bad. Three squares and a real bed. What more could I ask for at this age?"
Spike smirked, pushing back from the bar and standing up. He was a little skeptical, half expecting the bent old man to try something funny when Spike's back was turned.
"If you say so." he pulled out a pair of handcuff's he snatched from Jet, and loosely cuffed the old man to himself. "Just in case." Spike explained nonchalantly. //Now we can both get some rest.\\
**
It was a week before Spike could muster the courage to go back to the Bebop. He called, always making excuses for not coming back, but in the end, he found that he wanted nothing more than to return.
But first.
The Our Lady of Sorrows graveyard was so enormous that Spike found himself back at the cathedral, looking through the directory. The actual church building was empty, save for the scattered mourners who were also resorting to the large directory at the back of the church. Spike waited his turn before stepping up to the small computer. Taking a deep breath, he typed his inquiry.
Nothing.
Unfazed, he typed the surname 'Doe', and was greeted by an uncomfortably long list. Looking behind him, Spike nodded and smiled at the people in queue. //She's got to be here somewhere."
And she was, under the name Julia Doe. Spike checked the date of death to make sure, and then activated the listing. He was shown the exact plot where she was buried, and a small map came whirring from a hidden printer.
//Good system,\\ Spike thought, picking up the map and making to leave.
**
The sun beat down hard on his back as he crouched before her stone. He had a single Azalea blossom that he had picked at the entrance to the graveyard. He tucked it into the little holder that was fastened to the stone for such a purpose.
"Isn't much," he muttered, "wasn't planning on coming here, but I guess it's the thought that counts."
He reached out and traced the engraving of her name with his finger.
"That's all I ever had of you." He brushed his other hand through his hair as he sighed. "All I ever had were thoughts. Even when I held you, it would be thoughts of when I would be able to hold you again. When I would be free to hold you forever."
Spike stopped long enough to tilt his head back at the sky, squinting against the light.
"I can't do this anymore, Julia. It's time for me to wake up." He stood up, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I'm not going to spend my life wondering what could have happened, or regretting what happened. And I'm not going to run away from this life now just because I still don't have answers from my previous life. I'm not going to deny myself all the good things I have just because I could never have them before.with you. I can't live that kind of life anymore. It's all in the past now, and the dream is over."
Spike found himself drawing a shaky breath, and he hung his head waiting for the sting in his eyes and the hitch in his throat to subside. After several minutes, he looked at her stone one last time.
"I loved you Julia. I'll probably always love you, but not here."
He was surprised at how easily he could turn from her, how easily he could walk away. But he knew it was because he wasn't leaving her, not totally. She would always be there as he moved on, as he continued to live. And for the first time, he had the felt the ease of knowing that, no matter how he moved on in life, she would understand. //I'm not going to run away again. Ever.\\
Walking from the graveyard, he looked up at the sky, smiling. He wasn't happy, but he felt redeemed. It was one of the better feelings he had in a long time.
//Never seen a bluer sky.\\
**
Ok, that's the end of that chapter. SORRY FOR ANY MISTAKES!
Next chapter will be the final chapter, and I bet you can't guess what'll happen there.sheesh. News Flash: Spike joins the circus as the bearded lady.
Anyway, I'll try to get it up as soon as possible, but no promises.