New fanfic! I called this fanfic "No Goodbyes" like the song by Dua Lipa. This fanfic takes place on 2x24 episode. One episode before the whole prom thing. Addek reconciliation eventually! And it's obviously one of those cheesy Addek fanfics where Addison gets pregnant cuz they freaking deserved love, happiness, memories and kids. Lots of kids.

Warning: my English isn't as perfect as it could be because it's not my first language, sadly.

Hope you'll like it :)

She finds herself in that position again. Trapped. Is she trapped though? Well, she can't clearly answer that considering she's locked inside of a very tiny bathroom. For her, that's barely a bathroom.

Her chest feels tense, filled by panic, fear and nervousness. Her fingers hold a stick again; but now there's no Mark near or a Yankees onesie that makes her even more panicked. Second time in her whole life that she steals pregnancy tests from a hospital. Second time in her whole life that she experiences such fear. A part of herself wishes it will kind of fade away, or keeps her thoughts on denial.

It's not happening.

Not again.

The stress it contains to drink a whole water bottle knowing what the goal is.

Not hydration, exactly.

She's a fool, at least she feels like one. In eleven years of marriage, where birth control wasn't that important during sex, and after all those years where there could have been a time, it all happens now. In the worst moment and position of their relationship.

It's been short, very short. It's news, total news. She's the only one who knows, and maybe also that embryo, but he or she hasn't been totally created after all. She obviously got rid of the pregnancy test as soon as she could after those two blue lines were seen by her glassy eyes...

melancholy.

Somehow she carried the evidence with her during the whole morning, the vibe for her was already awkward and painful, and having to deal with the awkward vibe between Derek and Meredith, that they radiated that morning in the elevator, didn't make things easier; she had finally found time to develop the test in a trash can inside of an on-call room bathroom.

She could blame her hormones over all that episode where she screamed at Derek and made such a big drama out of something that seemed "silly", but she would like to believe it was her spirit manifesting, since it was obviously an early pregnancy still, the morning sickness hasn't started yet, but her breast do feel a little sensitive.

Was it silly though? No. It surely wasn't. She was fighting for her marriage at that minute, trying to wake up his husband after all these time he's been "sleeping" or not really caring over any kind of situation about their relationship. 'I want you to care!' She screamed. She really did mean it.

She used to have a dog, and now has a husband who seems to be getting around. She's not sure about that yet. She's alone.

Half happy... half unhappy... lost and uncomfortable.

A baby isn't what she expected to happen, not because of their 'boring' sex problem, or because they weren't getting any younger; it wasn't what she she expected because she knew and constantly reminded herself that a reconciliation doesn't happen in a couple of days. It could be weeks. Months. Years.

Maybe she reminded herself that to make the guilt feel less heavier. It didn't help that much though.

She doesn't want a pregnancy to bring them back together, or to split them up. There's options, there's always some option.

But none of them seem really good. Or perfect. Or ideal.

Number one: Telling Derek and having the baby in this time where everything seems to be falling apart slowly but gently. People (and maybe Derek) would think and say that she got pregnant to trap him and don't get the marriage to an end; plus a child can't feel totally loved in a home where there's no affection for each other between the parents.

Number two: She tells Derek but he asks for a divorce and the baby ends up having two parents that hate each other.

Number three: She goes back to New York and raises a child by herself. This way things would be easier and Derek could have his intern back.

Number four: Abortion or termination. (Termination sounds nicer in her head.) It doesn't feel right to end with another life and keeping it as a dark secret.

Number five: Adoption. No, that's not happening either. For sure.

Number six: magically the pregnancy will disappear.

Okay, scratch option number six already. She finally gets what she always wanted, she's not wasting that. Which is why she has figured out to stay with option number one. Addison is hopeful, sometimes, even if she gets down easily and has been down many times, she has the hope. The hope that with the time somehow her marriage will end up fixing.

Geez Addison! This isn't a fairytale. Prince Charming- i mean, Dreamy... prince Dreamy isn't going to come back to rescue you.

Prom. God, prom was maybe her only way back to feeling like she mattered in the whole marriage kinda thing. The way he asked. She felt like there was still some hope left for them. After all, they were Addison and Derek.

She lies on the bed and doesn't move. She's wearing that red dress but she doesn't wanna go. Her hair is still messy and she hasn't yet started to put some make up on or anything like that. He sighs when he sees her in there.

Defeated.

The trailer has an unpleasant smell: it's Derek's smell mixed with some wet dog smell and the smell of her expensive perfumes or creams. There was no lavander candles in here. No candles like back in New York. No nice smells, except from Derek. But the smell of Doc was still around and she couldn't help but feel a little sad he was gone and a totally disgusted at the animal smell she had to deal with. It was all a mix. Come on, she was living inside of this kind of a soup can.

She closes her eyes for a couple of seconds, he's still staring. His wearing that tuxedo that makes him look a bit more handsome, even hotter. She has always loved how he looked wearing suits.

She opens her eyes. "Is it necessary to... attend?" She doesn't look at him; the ceiling is a good and peaceful view, where she doesn't have to deal with any face expressions he will probably show.

"That's a requirement for prom, Addison." A soft giggle makes her chest feel less tense. He moves from there, the air shifts. "Are we gonna go?" He sits on the edge on the bed.

She moves and looks at him. "I simply don't feel up to it." Her eyes look down to the bathroom door. The same bathroom where she found out she had a growing life inside of her uterus right now.

"Succinct explanation, what's new?" He says, a harsh of sarcasm on his tone.

"Derek, I really am not into this whole prom thing." Silence fills the room.

A hand catches hers. It's warm. "You look beautiful." His voice is still soft, maybe he's trying to be charming?

"I would look stunner if I would have access to Dior and Louboutin shoes." She chuckles and breathes sharply. But I'll be getting fat and glowing in a couple of weeks, so I don't really need the designer clothes because I'm gonna be too big for them.

"You really hate Seattle, don't you?" He squeezes her hand. That hasn't happened in a while; Constant touch between both of them for more than one minute was already odd, well sex doesn't count.

She looks at their hands together. "I'm warming up, but yeah, I kind of do."

"Sorry honey."

Honey.

"I miss Sav, Weiss, The Brownstone... your sisters." His hand doesn't last any longer holding hers, it slips slowly and gently, allowing him to look at her with a little difficulty; not wanting to ruin his tux.

"Mark." He mentions him, studying her face. It shows disappointment, anxiety, tiredness, maybe pain.

"No... not Mark." She shakes her head slightly, giving him a look. Frowning, actually.

He gets comfortable, moving his pillow, giving her some space on the small bed they had to share and sleep on."You two were close, weren't you?"

"Don't go there, Derek. Just... don't." She shakes her head and sighs. Her eyes back on that ceiling. That dark part of her life and those horrible mistakes have lead her to today.

"Admit it." It even seemed Derek missed Sloan himself too, sometimes. We all need a best friend. A company. Too sad he lost both best friends at the same time. Right? What a shame.

"I mean, yeah I do miss him, but not as you think I do." She's sorry, all the time, everyday. Everytime she looks into his eyes, she remembers how much she almost lost or might loose pretty soon. "I miss those days when we were all good friends and we would spend time together, I don't know... watching some Yankees game." She giggles a little, making him giggle lightly too. Addison wasn't very into sports; she just watched and after half hour usually fell asleep on Derek's chest. "We used to like going out. Being the three of us inside of the OR, operating." She looks at him again. The ceiling isn't that interesting.

"I miss that too." His face shows disappointment, too.

"I screwed it up, didn't I?" Her voice is a little shaky, but she isn't breaking down. Her eyes have always been too proud to show weakness.

"Pretty much." He looks away.

"Pretty much, right." She wishes it could all stop. This war, between them, Mark, everyone. She wishes she could go back in time and open Derek's eyes before he would turn into a workaholic. "I'm sorry. About all of that. Screwing things up." She keeps her eyes on him.

He gives her a look too, his lips don't show any sign of a sympathetic smile. "We both did."

"Yeah."

He sighs cracking a small smirk. Her melting heart. "Richard counts on us."

Camille is her patient too, she cares about Adele and Richard, she understands the pain they must be going through. Derek wanted to show up and show his support for the family, maybe have some fun. But he didn't want to go either. The vet was going to be there and he was still into Meredith... or that was the idea his mind was sticking to.

"Go alone then, I really don't feel like going." She says, closing her eyes, rubbing a finger to her itchy eye.

"Is this about Doc?" The dog ate most of her best pair of shoes, but she still showed some love and appreciation. After Derek was bitching at her, she would find a peaceful place on the outside stairs with the company of that furry friend.

Except that Doc wasn't going to be there anymore.

"No. I mean yeah, but no." She says, not opening her eyes.

"What is it then?" He's curious. He's trying to show that he's trying to be caring. He wants some credit too and she knows that. Playing the good guy is a need, almost like a job that needs to be done.

She wishes it wouldn't have to be like that. Or maybe he's really sorry and he really wants to try to fix something instead of just ending up as the good guy.

She slowly stands up from bed, careful on not falling or getting injured by the high heels near her foot. "Just... go without me. You'll have fun. I could use some time by myself." To try to figure out what to do with... it.

He sits up better. "I don't understand you. I really don't." He shakes his head at her. She's staring at him, unzipping her dress.

"It's late, go." She says, getting one strap off of her shoulder. Her hands go immediately to her hips, giving him a look. Serious one.

He's serious once again, too. "Couple hours ago you were hurt I didn't care. Now I try my best and you push me away?" He asks politely, still a little hurt by her behavior. He really was trying his best, being kind and gentle.

"I want you to care, but not by obligation." She says.

"At least I'm trying!" His voice is raised a little, her body is exhausted and she's not up to moving herself out from that tiny bed.

She shakes her head. "Not by heart, Derek." He looks hurt. An unhappy face is reflected.

"It's kinda difficult to do things by heart when your wife breaks it after sleeping with your best friend." He snaps at her. He doesn't feel sorry for a minute, he also stands up for himself. She's not the only one in pain and she has to notice that.

Stop playing the victim, Addison.

"Oh, don't you dare acting like the marthir. Don't be petty!"

"You want me to do imposible things." It's actually simple, he could find a way to see the positive side and focus on what he loves about her. Because he does... love her. The feeling has been drowning slowly, sadly. He wishes he could feel young and fresh as he used to feel around her. He could thank Mark for that though.

Stop yelling. "It won't make you less of a man just to show some feelings and notice that I am also hurt. I am a human being and I messed up." She snaps back at him.

"You did worse than that." He stands up completely, now facing her.

"Fine. I destroyed everything." She takes the other strap off and lets the dress fall.

"Thank you!" He says, maybe too dramatic.

"At least I don't runaway!" She moves from her position to that small bathroom door where her robe is waiting for her. She's not going to stand in underwear in front of him during a fight.

She wraps herself on the light green robe, feeling a bit more warmer. "Maybe you don't but you keep on destroying everything!" His feelings has been spoken. His heart has been open. He stares at her.

"I'm trying to built something. Sometimes there's previous demolitions before anyone builds anything." What kind of comparison is this?

"Congratulations, you have been demolishing me for the last months." He gets the methapor, for sure.

She shakes her head and crosses her arms over her chest, the glassy eyes aren't important right now. "I'm an adulterous whore, what did you spect? Did you thought Satan could take your mercy? McDreamy?! They should call you McJerk."

He rolls his eyes.

His voice has been rising another volume. At this point Doc would have barked to make him shut up. "Satan's mistress speaks up." He imitates her by crossing his arms over his chest.

"Oh, stop yelling at me." She raises her voice too. She's not in the mood.

He runs a hand through that dark hair and takes his tux jacket off. "I don't wanna go either." He's back on the edge of the bed.

"You surely don't want to look at Meredith, don't you? You don't wanna stay here with me." Her tone changed pronouncing that here, because the place where they were standing at wasn't exactly a home.

"Well, Addison, you caught me!" He says with a dramatic tone, that clearly annoyed her.

She rolls her eyes and sits on the edge of the bed next to him. "I'm tired of this."

"This means your husband?" He asks, half serious, half dramatic. They were both professionals at arguing with each other. They had been arguing for years now.

She shakes her head and doesn't make any kind of eye contact. "No. It means the way we treat each other." She says.

"You can't blame all of that on me."

"I am not." She makes eye contact, her eyes show that she is in pain, "Who said I was?"

"Addison." He says, he knows she's hurt and doesn't think anymore arguing will help. Avoiding the conversation is always better, sometimes saner.

She moves some hairs away from her face. "It's exhausting to keep on trying and smiling." She shakes her head a little, tired. She wants old Derek back more than anything. "I even had to re-schedule a surgery so I could be able to watch you operate on a patient I didn't even care about." She looks away know.

He looks down to the hand that she's been resting on her knee. Her rings are still there. "You wanted us to get back together. That's what happened." His tone is dry, not exactly rude, but it is dry, "This is the result, Addison. For once assume you did something wrong."

"I always assume it, you never listen to me! Never!" She snaps at him. She feels weaker than ever, not capable.

"I always do!" He doesn't. At least not everytime, not always. He wants to feel like the good guy. He did commit many mistakes by sleeping with Meredith and being revengeful against his wife, but he was hurt. He was still hurting. "It's not my fault you're not showing how sorry you are to me."

"Derek... I am friends with Meredith Grey." Her eyes come back on facing his. "I have deleted Mark Sloan from every kind of contact list I have." Those glassy eyes... god, are they because of the hormones? Or is this too much to handle for her emotions. "I burned the clothes I wore that day, Derek."

"Respect me a bit more, then. I'm still healing and digesting all of this." Who's the softie now?

She sighs, still calm enough not to yell at him."It's been months, Derek. How much do you want me to wait?!" They are so near each other it's difficult, it makes her heart ache.

"Until I'm ready." His response it's pretty clear and calm, his sad eyes looking into hers. He notices she's really sorry; Even the pride couldn't hide that.

"Derek there's no time for that. You will have to assume you were also an asshole." Addison won't stop trying to prove the point that he also had hurt her, not only by sleeping with a twelve year old intern, but also for ignoring her and being bitchy. He also had some credit by being absent all that time back when they lived together on the upper east side.

"Are you saying that I pushed you into Mark's arms? I suddenly didn't." He arguments.

"It's not it. There's just barely time for that." Her sad smile does an appareance.

"Can I know why?" He would like her to wait until he accepts her back into his heart. Maybe he has already done that, but the word forgive hasn't come out of his mouth yet.

"Do you even love me?" She looks down, again. His wedding band isn't there tonight either.

He looks down too, following her gaze. "Excuse me?" He asks.

There's a debate inside of her mind. She could catch his hand and rub that 'whiter' part on his finger where the wedding band should be, or just drop the idea. "Do you feel... love? For me?"

"Addison..." he doesn't have an answer for her right now.

"I need to know. Otherwise I'll never know what's wrong between us."

•••

It's been a fifteen minute trip until now, their way to Carolyn's Connecticut house was always a good and fun trip. The sound of Billy Idol made it all so pleasant, yet the road was already pleasant if they had each other's company.

Addison looks at him. He keeps on smiling but his eyes are on the road, non stop. He was good at concentrating; but her greenish eyes were trying to found his gaze which made his concentration harder. "This song has gotten tattooed on my mind." She giggles, pressing the repeat button again.

"Maybe that's because you keep on replaying it." He doesn't complain. He likes the song too, he adores to listen to her sing the parts she knows by word and laugh along her. Seeing her smile made him smile.

"I never thought I was ever going to feel this sexually attracted to Billy Idol." That makes them both laugh, very hard.

Derek loved the way she always found a way to make something funny out of something pretty normal or regular.

"Why? Because of the name?"

"It does indeed sound like the name a fifteen year old teenager would name himself." She cracks a smile. She could tell this is her happy place; loud music, handsome husband, wind. Not to mention the smell of her perfume and his smile could make everything better. She had everything she wanted or needed.

His hand catches hers. "You know... I could be Derek Idol." A gentle squeeze made Addison's heart feel warm.

"Der Idol sounds way better." She winks at him when he gives her a quick look before going back on driving that car.

"I'm Der Idol then, ladies." He tilted his head a little. She giggled.

"I love you." The sentence comes out of her mouth not as habit, but as something she really did mean.

He gave her a look, sadly not too long, having to come back on looking at the road. "I love you too, endlessly." The sentence makes her feel like melting in love for him and obligates her to bit her lip. He was such a sweet and kind man.

•••

She stands up from the edge of the bed. "I'm just going to bed."

"Addison..." he tries to stop her, not raising his voice or protesting some silence from her.

"Don't Addison me. Stop it." She stops from opening the bathroom door. "You don't feel the same way about me and it's fine. It's fine. I screwed everything up. It's my fault." She points with her own finger to herslef. "Mine."

"It's not as easy as you think it is!" He stands up, facing her.

"Did you tell her?" She rest a shoulder against the bathroom door. He's a little taller than her; she feels small when she has look a little up to him.

"What?"

Addison could use a classic card she always used during every argument, 'the ring', she hoped she could get to use that card. "That you loved her. Did you told her? Did you told Meredith?"

"No." He's being honest. He's progressing, right?

She presses her lips together. The next question is hard for her, because she's afraid what the answer might be. "Do you love her?"

"Addison..." his eyes don't stop to look into hers and that freaks her out.

"I said - just... answer the question." Derek tilts his head a little. "Please."

"I don't know what it was."

"What?" She did hear what he said, but she's not certainly sure of what it might or might not mean.

She walks past him, on the direction to the bed. Their shoulders touch but he doesn't move. "I don't know if it was love or..." now he decides to flip and look at her directly "...maybe happiness."

"Happiness... I see." She nods. A tear runs down her cheek, she's fast enough to catch it with her finger and takes a sit on the edge of the bed, the exact same spot as earlier. He has to look down to her.

"Don't do that." He asks, begs.

Her face rests on her two hands. "What? Feel hurt?"

"No, walk away like I do." He's now resting his shoulder against the bathroom door. An innocent talk has lead them to an argument.

She looks up to his disappointed and soft blue eyes, "I'm not walking away."

"You are. I was hurt and I walked away, don't walk away like me." He obviously quoted the word hurt from her.

"I am not."

"Addison." He's doing that again. Addisoning her.

"Stop It! Alright? I'm going to bed." She stands up from the edge of the bed and walks to her supposed to be her her side of the bed.

Derek finds himself in a weird position. He feels like there's still something off. He feels like they should try. "We should talk."

"Derek it's fine." She notices she didn't take her pajamas from the bathroom. She'll have to sleep on her robe then, because she doesn't want to go near him.

He walks closer to the bed. "You're not fine."

"Perhaps it will go away." She looks down and starts taking her earrings off.

Silence fills the room, she gets inside of the bed and joins her hair on a ponytail before trying to get comfortable. He looks at her through the whole getting ready for bed process. Her thoughts are haunting her. Besides your pajamas you forgot to brush your teeth. - you should at least add some cream to your dry skin. - you're hungry! - it's freezing inside of here.

"I do." He says, out loud. He catches her attention immediately. "I just... it's not the same, Addie. It's not the same as it was back in New York." He explains. She gets back on fetal position and closes her eyes. "I don't feel the same way."

"It's fine." She mumbles.

"Now you're the one denying your feelings?" He asks. Derek walks closer to the bed, this way sitting on his side of the bed.

She sighs, tired of this whole argument. "I already told you I love you." She opens her eyes ."What am I? A toy for you?"

"Addison, I'm also trying here." He shares.

"Doesn't seem like you're doing your best efforts." She points out. She knew Derek Shepherd quite well. If he wanted something he was willing to do whatever it took.

"At least I'm trying." He says, is that sentence supposed to make her feel calmer? Better? Because if it is, it's not really helping. Maybe she feels relieved by his confession, but Addison hopes he could just say those three words to her face.

"I'm trying too." Her eyes close. "I need to sleep." She mumbles.

His hand caresses her cheek, just for a second. It was a quick touch. "Sweet Dreams."

"You too." She mumbles, turning around. Facing him wasn't a plan.

There was so many things inside of her head. She had to tell him, she had to fix her marriage, but she didn't want to seem desperate. She didn't want expectations to break the relationship even more. There's too much to think about, too much things to share and be excited about. Too much time too, or at least she hoped it would be a lot of time to figure everything out somehow.

Everything would end up being easier. She would be happy someday again. Misery and pain wasn't something she was determined to keep on feeling. Maybe leaving Derek would bring her joy; but at the moment it didn't seem like that. Right now all she wanted was to be with him.

Maybe it was a lost cause.

Was it though?

•••

He wakes up as usual. Or as he used to. Red hairs are the first thing his eyes see. He forgot to turn the bathroom's light off after brushing his teeth that night. She's heavily asleep on his chest. His arms are keeping her warm in an embrace that's like a second home for her.

Their shifts were starting later that day, probably she would not be as happy as he is to wake up in this position, or at least that's how he thinks she will think like.

He moves a bit, a very slight movement, he takes his phone from the small nightstand and checks the hour. It's not morning yet, that would explain the darkness. 3:21 AM. Sometimes he hopes everything could come back to what it used to be. Those two young Addison and Derek; before they were the bests on their fields, before work made them exhausted and stressed 24/7. Before, when kisses and songs tasted and sounded like summer even if it was winter or late autumn.

He smiles at the memories they shared. His hand goes up from her shoulder to her red hairs. That doesn't wake her up, not yet. He feels the liberty to move his nose closer to the top of her head. Her shampoo smells so good, like lavender if he's not wrong. She moves a little, now her hand rests next to her sleeping face.

He can't fall asleep. He's too awake. She needs to be loved and appreciated, not yelled at, or hated. That's what he thought. But, what was he doing exactly? He was yelling, hating, loving, appreciating... all at the same time. It was complicated and confusing.

He lets his free hand to rest on top of hers. There's a slight movement that comes from her, her foot finds his and her hand catches his immediately, grabbing it.

"Addie?" He's not quite sure she woke up or not.

Her head makes a little movement. "Mhm?" She sounds still sleepy.

Maybe she started to wake up, but she'll go back to sleep soon. He moves his feet closer to hers. Her skin feels cold, he's happy to give her some warmth.

"I love you, too." He mumbles into her ear, hoping she's not really listening because admitting it seems scary; like she could adquire power by just knowing he still felt love for her.

That was the first chapter! If you're reading this and you're looking forward more content please leave a review!