Episode I

The Camera

"It's time for the Rose-Xiao Long Show!" Ruby cheers in the middle of her dorm room. "Introducing your hosts, me, Ruby Rose, and the bestest sister in the whole of Remnant's history, Yang Xiao Long!"

The door slams open and Yang bounces into the room, beaming at the camera set up on a tripod near the window. "Hello, one and all!" she calls out, hamming it up for all it's worth. "Welcome to the first episode of our show, here! Ruby, you wanna tell the good people how this show got started?"

"Oh!" Ruby blinks. "Well, we found a camera in the washing machine, so we decided to use it and start up a show!"

"I think they could use a little more than that, Rubes," Yang laughs. "Y'see, it all started when I was washing my bras and pan-"

"Aaaaaand, we don't have time for that," Ruby interrupted. "Let's just move along to... along to... along... oh, right."

"Something wrong, little sis?"

"We... we don't have a computer to edit the show, Yang! I was going to take us to the next segment, but how can I do that if we can't-"

"Well, why don't you ask the Ice Queen? I'm sure you could convince her to get us a computer! Hell, if this show is popular enough, you could even pay her back!"

"I don't know," Ruby looks away, tapping her index fingers together. "She's still kinda upset about the shoehorn incident..."

"Ah, you'd think she'd learn to take a joke already," Yang scoffs. "Look, just go up to her with tears coming out of your eyes, she'll be putty in your hands. Trust me."

"I don't think it'll be that easy," Ruby mumbles, "but I guess I can only try, right?"

"Atta girl!" Yang grins, thumping her on the back. "Now, about the camera- see, I'd just finished drying all my unmentionables when-"

"Okay, okay, okay! Time for the next segment!" Ruby quickly pipes up. "I'll just edit things the transition in later!"

"But Ruby, what about my-"

XXXX

Blake's Book Review

"Oh, hello. I'm Blake Belladonna, and... I'll be... reviewing some books?"

"You got it, Kitty Cat! I mean, you could use some extra pizzaz, but I'm not hoping for miracles here."

"...Right. Anyways, the first book I'd like to review is HOUSE of Lo- wait, what?"

"Something wrong, Blakey?"

"Yang... where did my copy of HOUSE of Leaves go?"

"How do I know where you keep all your books?"

"It was at the top of this stack just a second ago, and there's nobody in the room right now except you and me!"

"Ah, how strange."

"For that matter, since when was every book in the stack a copy of Ninjas of Love?"

"Well, I thought you might want to start off with your favorite book! I mean, I catch you reading it every night..."

"What did you do to my books, Yang?"

"Review that book, and we'll talk."

"...I hate you."

"No you don't!"

"Ugh... fine. Ninjas of Love is a fascinating take on the feudal era of Animus, when the land was kept in check by Shinobi- more commonly known as the ninja. The story follows two ninjas of rival clans-"

"-who happen to be well endowed-"

"-who happen to be- Yang, shut up!"

"Just trying to add some spice!"

"It's not about spice! It's about the unfolding tragedy as two childhood friends struggle to balance their love for each other with their loyalty to their people!"

"And try to balance his massive-"

"YANG!"

"-sword, right? He uses a katana, doesn't he?"

"...You are impossible. Can you just let me do this review? I'd like to move on to HOUSE of Leaves next episode..."

"I'll give you that book back after I'm done reading it- I'm really appreciating the descriptions of Johnny's-"

"YANG!"

"-dog! His loyal pet dog is easily the best part of the story."

"...Whatever. Two childhood friends get pitted against each other by their clans, they have to fight, blah blah blah, I'm sure you can see where it goes. I'm done."

"But you didn't even describe any of the sex-"

"I WILL SHOVE THAT CAMERA DOWN YOUR THROAT!"

XXXX

Nora Valkyrie and Lie Ren relax in a boat beneath the bright afternoon sun. Glancing to one side, Ren comments, "You know, this would probably be more fun if we were on water."

"Ah, water's boring!" Nora scoffs as she continues to row across grass with a manic grin on her face. "All boats go on water, but not ours! We're non-conformists, Ren! We don't do what society tells us to!"

"...If you say so."

"Besides, I have bad experiences with water, you know that!"

"...Since when?"

"Since always! My parents died on a boat, Ren!"

"...They did?"

"I thought I told you all about this!"

"As I recall, you said your parents were killed by-"

"A lake monster! We were rowing over Lake Vytal when this giant monster appeared just beneath the water! It was shaped like a giant question mark, following us all around the lake, no matter how hard we tried to get away! Suddenly, it appeared, bursting out of the water at fifteen times the speed of light! It was so horrendous that my father's head exploded on sight, while my mother went flying up into the atmosphere, crashing right into the moon, breaking it in half!"

"...Nora..."

"Yes, Ren?"

"I hate to say it, but... I'm having a hard time believing that."

"You don't have to believe it- you weren't there!"

"And at least I admit it."

XXXX

PRANK CORNER WITH YANG

Yang beams as she steps into her secret workshop- a disused classroom where she has all her favorite pranking paraphernalia strewn about more chaotically than the dark side of the moon. Don't think the moon is chaotic on the dark side? Have you seen it?

"Welcome to Prankster's Hangout, where I'll be showing you the latest and greatest pranks!" she beams. "Only the finest practical jokes here! Today, I was planning on pranking the Ice Queen, but as it turns out, we need her to buy us a computer, and I don't think pranking her again so soon after the shoehorn incident is exactly the best way to get on her good side. So instead, we'll be going after everyone's favorite asshats, Team CRDL!"

"Since this is the first prank I'm showing you on this show, we'll start off nice and simple- all you'll need for today's prank is some roller skates, and, of course, the greatest weapon in any prankster's arsenal... duct tape!"

Proudly, Yang reaches beneath her workbench and produces a roll of silver tape marked with a chick. "Yup! Duck-brand duct tape!" she beams proudly.

"So, for this one, you're going to want to wait for the middle of the night...

SSSS

"...before sneaking right to their door!" Yang continued in a hushed voice just outside Team CRDL's dorm. "Just outside, you're going to want to make a nice net of duct tape- make sure the sticky side is pointed towards their room...

"Then place the roller skates in just the right position. Now, I'm gonna leave this camera here overnight to capture the magic!"

SSSS

The camera waits all night before finally capturing Team CRDL's door opening, a yawning Cardin Winchester stepping out, directly into the carefully-laid roller skates, sending him careening into the duct tape. "What the HELL?!" he shouted. "I- I'm stuck!"

"Cardin?" The rest of his team is quick to exit the room to see their leader trapped in apparently the stickiest duct tape Yang could find.

The doors all around them slam open, and Cardin quickly finds himself the laughingstock of the hallway as everyone points and laughs at his polka-dot pajamas.

Yang makes her way to the front with the largest shit-eating grin she can muster. "Man, and I thought Jaune's jammies were embarrassing!"

"I'm gonna murder you, Xiao Long!" Cardin shouts, struggling against the tape- nonetheless, it held fast.

"Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly," Yang quips, before reaching up and recovering her camera. "So, remember, ladies! If the guys don't find you pretty, they oughtta at least find you punny!"

...At which the entire crowd groans and dissipates quicker than a burst of steam. Yang looks around in surprise at finding herself alone in the hallway with the still-struggling Cardin. "...Was it something I said?"

XXXX

"Well, that act with Cardin earned us some points with the Ice Queen for sure," Yang notes as she paces around her room, Ruby sitting on the bed. "Maybe she's just glad not to be the butt of my pranks for once..."

"So she's gonna get us a computer?" Ruby asks hopefully.

"Well, I brought it up, and..."

"And?"

"And she's still not going for it. Something about ruining the moment with a bad one-liner."

"You do kinda tend to do that..."

"Ah, take that back!" Yang objects, bristling.

"I'll never apologize for telling the truth, sis," Ruby shakes her head. "But still, that's not good for the sake of the show..."

"I'm telling you, sis, you just gotta hit her with the ol' puppy eyes! That's how you got her to buy you five desserts that one time!"

"I already tried!" Ruby objects, her silver eyes filling with unshed tears as she speaks. "She put on a blindfold, then told me no!"

"She's got you pegged," Yang mutters, stroking her chin in thought.

"What now?" Ruby asks, tears starting to leak down her face. "If we don't have a computer, we can't finish the episode and start the greatest show ever!"

"I'm not gonna let that happen!" Yang says immediately- as though her sisterly instincts are being thrown into overdrive, she kneels down and pulls Ruby into a hug, patting her gently on the back. "In fact..." a dark smirk breaks across her face. "I just got an idea. An awesome idea."

"You're not gonna hurt her, are you?" Ruby interjects.

"No, of course not!... Only her pride."

"But how-"

"Ahp bup bup bup!" Yang interrupts, performing a passable impression of the Ice Queen in question. "You just get started on your next segment, and by the time you're done, we'll have our computer!"

"Alright... I'm trusting you."

"As you should!" Yang nods happily. "Oh, right! I never finished my story! So, the dryer was rattling around, which was weird, because I was pretty sure I got everything out of my-"

"Okay!" Ruby interrupts again. "It's time for the next segment!"

"...You and Blake are no fun, you know-"

XXXX

SISTERLY ADVICE WITH RUBY

Ruby sits behind a small desk in a dark room, smiling at the camera. "Hello, friends, and welcome to my first advice corner, where I give you the best help I can on any topic you can think of!... Of course, this is the first episode, so I don't really have any requests for advice, so... I'll just have to wing it!"

Ruby leans back and thinks a while. Abruptly, a light seems to cross her face. "Oh! Of course! Since Weiss keeps coming up so much this episode, I can talk about her! You know, it's funny... sometimes your bestest friends are the people who started out as your worst enemies... I'm guessing you guys already know I almost killed her with a sneeze when we first met! I mean, it was mostly her fault, waving that vial around in my face... then she yelled... and yelled... and yelled... but... but we're all cool now!"

Ruby's smile wavers between sad and bright as she continues. "I mean, she's saved me in battle so many times- that's good! But then she yells for half an hour about how I should have improved my stance... that's bad... but then she buys me cookies! That's good! Then... then she bumps me on the head for eating too fast... that's bad... but then she gets me coffee with cream and five sugars, just the way I like it! That's good! But then... then... what was I talking about again?

"Oh, right- so be open with everyone- even the people who seem like your opposite! You never know what corner your super-besty-better-than-the-resty might be hiding behind!

"Anyways, if you've got anything you want advice on, feel free to let me know! I'm standing with you- we're all in this together!"

XXXX

ADVENTURE TIME WITH PYRRHA AND JAUNE

Hello, again! This is Pyrrha Nikos, reporting from the middle of the Emerald Forest! Jaune is here with me- he's huddled in the corner, clinging onto the sides of his head and saying something about changing his name to Felipe to avoid the copyright censors. I'm not really sure what he's talking about...

Anyways, I'm not entirely sure what's going on here, but Yang entrusted us with this camera and asked us to investigate some caves in the Emerald Forest, so... that's where we are. I did express some concerns about how my semblance might interact with the camera, but she just said, 'After what I put it through, standing up to a little magnetism shouldn't be a problem.' Er... I'm not certain I want to know what she was talking about.

Anyways, it didn't take us long to find the same cave where we found that deathstalker during initiation- apparently, the theory is that it must have been guarding some sort of fabulous treasure. I don't quite follow the line of logic behind it, but when Jaune got that gleam in his eyes, I... I just couldn't say no!

At any rate, here we are, going through the cave. He made the torch just as fabulously as last time- in fact, this time, he only set himself on fire twice before it was ready! We had a lovely chat as we went further into the cave, until I mentioned the name of our segment- according to Yang- and then he collapsed, and... well, there you go. You're up to speed.

I kneel down next to him and struggle to assure him that whatever he's afraid of, it's nothing to worry about, really. He counters by saying that 'these people' know no mercy- he'd rather fight an army of deathstalkers than a single one of 'them.' Still not sure what he's talking about, but after enough pep talk, he finally rises to his feet and continues deeper into the cave.

It's refreshing to come through here without the imminent threat of a deathstalker on our tail- such a different experience, for certain. The warmth that heralded its approach last time is replaced by a refreshing breeze. As before, I allow Jaune to lead the way- he has a knack for finding things, after all- whether they were what we expected or not.

In this case, what we find is an army of mutated creeps of some sort that explode upon seeing us. It's... rather odd. Jaune defended me from most of the damage- just another reason I lo-er, respect him.

To my surprise, at the center of the carnage is a worn, weathered treasure chest of some sort- at least, I think that's what it is. It's difficult to tell through the hurricane of grimm innards. I hold the torch, allowing him the honor of opening the chest. He hums a song to himself as he does it, proudly presenting the contents upon a final, triumphant four notes. And this is... oh, my. I'm sure the others will love to see this.

XXXX

WEISS'S GAMING EXPERIENCE

Weiss Schnee sighs as she takes a seat behind a computer, rubbing her forehead vigorously. "Of all the inane, idiotic... ahem. Welcome to my segment for the show, in which I have been browbeated into trying out these... video games." Disdain is clear upon her face as she starts up the computer. "I would hardly be interested in these... brain-rotters under most circumstances, but Xiao Long seems all too eager to brush aside my ability to adapt to any situation- just because I do not play games doesn't mean I can't. Seemingly as a challenge, she gave me today's game- Sekiro. I believe it has something to do with Blake's Ninjas of Love books, but I can't really be certain.

Weiss sighs. "This game had better be worth it- I had to buy a new computer just to play it. Apparently, there's no other way, and if we're going to have a computer, it may as well be the best. Now... let's begin. Naturally, I expect to be finished with this game by the time night falls."

She turns her gaze towards the screen. "Ah... the tutorial. I will, of course, learn immediately."

She advances swiftly through, a small, smug smile forming. "You see? Perfection simply comes naturally to me. Now, for the first... 'boss encounter,' I believe that barbarian calls it?"

She rushes forward, and is swiftly killed. Her face adopts the look of one that has swallowed a lemon whole. "What- but that- that was... ridiculous!"

Her expression shifts as the game continues. "Oh, I see... you are intended to lose that fight. It seems an odd choice to me, but who am I to complain? I will triumph over this game- just wait!"

From here, she sets off into the wild, climbing around a snowy mountain- where she is swiftly murdered by a pack of snarling wolves. Her lips pucker. "Well... I suppose one death is well within boundaries. I will continue... surely I will prevail soon enough."

"Two deaths is hardly worse than one."

"Five is... five..."

"Ten deaths?! Ten deaths before finding another boss? This is getting ridiculous!"

"A CHICKEN?! A *redacted* CHICKEN *redacted* KILLED ME? HOW DOES A TRAINED *redacted* NINJA GET KILLED BY A *redacted* CHICKEN?! THIS IS THE BIGGEST LOAD OF *redacted* *redacted* I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY *redacted* LIFE! WHAT SORT OF SADISTIC *redacted* MADE A GAME WHERE YOU PLAY AS A NINJA WHOSE GREATEST ENEMIES ARE *redacted* CHICKENS?!"

The door opens behind her to reveal Ruby. "Um... Weiss? Is something wrong?"

"THIS *redacted* GAME IS WHAT'S *redacted* WRONG, RUBY!" Weiss shouts back, heedless to Ruby staggering back, eyes wide. "YOUR *redacted* SISTER HAS ME PLAYING THIS *redacted* GAME FOR YOUR *redacted* SHOW, AND IT'S DRIVING ME TO THE EDGE!"

Ruby tilts her head, taking only one thing away from what she was seeing. "Wait... WE GOT A COMPUTER?!"

Weiss glances back. "Yes, yes, we got a computer," she grumbles. "It was the only way to play this game."

"This game?" Ruby asks, paying more attention. "Sekiro?"

"Yes."

"Shadows Die Twice?"

"Yes. Is there something wrong with that?"

"Nothing wrong with it, it's just... we don't need a computer to play it. We have a Gamestation."

"...You mean, this game is on Gamestation?"

"Yeah."

Weiss stands up, ramrod straight, abandoning the computer altogether. "Where... where are you going?" Ruby asks, slightly unnerved by Weiss's sudden shift in tone.

"To do to Yang... what that ogre did to me," Weiss hisses, storming out of the room, leaving Ruby somewhat befuddled in her wake.

XXXX

Ruby leans back in her bed, kicking her legs happily as she awaits the entrance of her sister. When she arrives, the entire right side of her body is frosted over. Ruby's smile slips slightly at the sight. "I'm guessing Weiss got to you."

"She... really n-n-needs... to l-l-learn to... t-t-take a joke," Yang stammers through chattering teeth.

"Well, at least we've got a computer!" Ruby grins brightly. "The show is good to go, now! I've even got us something for next episode!"

"What m-m-m-might that b-b-be?" Yang asks, sitting across from her.

Ruby grins as she produces an old, tattered paper. "Pyrrha and Jaune found a treasure map! And it looks like whatever it leads to... is right here in Beacon!"

Yang grins. "Now th-that's a n-n-nice s-s-segway to n-next episode!"

"Yup!" Ruby nods, gently laying the parchment on her bedside table. "All's well that ends well, and all that!"

"Except I never finished my story!" Yang realizes with a snap of her fingers. "So, I was rooting through my-"

"Sorry, Yang, episode's over!" Ruby cuts her off again. "Guess you'll just have to save it for next time! Until then, thank you to our author, Gamer4, and our beta reader, GeorgeKYST!"

Yang grumbles, but continues. "Be sure to tune in next time, when... well, I guess we'll be finding out what that treasure map leads to. In the meantime..."

"Be sure to leave some reviews for us!" Ruby picks up cheerfully. "Requests for books to review, games to play, advice to give- heck, we might even have a mail-reading segment next time!"

"Don't hold your breath on that, Rubes," Yang smiles. "But anyways, until then- Don't wait too Long! We've got Rose more coming your way!"

A ringing silence fell, Ruby delivering a very obvious cringe. "We... really need to work on that signoff."