Trust

When we're all sitting around the warm, quiet fire at dusk, talking, or when everyone is sleeping is when I think of my family.

A mother who, despite all her strange vegan quirks, constantly looked out for my well-being and happiness. Her life had revolved around making my brother, me and my father happy in a subtle way that nearly went unnoticed. Her good spirits came so natural, it was hard to imagine how she was dealing with being a prisoner...that is, if she was alive at all.

A father that instilled in me values and discipline that could only come from his devotion to his family and to his sense of right. A man who had always believed in the greater good, despite the fact he wasn't a practicing Jew. I wondered what he'd think of me, knowing his youngest son was now a calculating murderer.

And finally, a barely adult brother who had been condemned for the past four years to the worst kind of torture man has ever known. Tom was a lost cause, I didn't bother dreaming up scenarios of his rescue anymore. I just hoped the end would come sooner than later for him.

You'd think after three months in this place I'd be okay without them. Or at least be used to the fact we were destined to receive bad news for a long time. But I wasn't. I didn't want to talk about it and made it abundantly clear by being not so nice when it was brought up. And everyone pretty much stayed away from the subject around me, out of concern for their own feelings if not mine.

Well, almost everyone.

Some things never changed in that way.

One day in particular I was on the steep, rocky bluff that overlooked our small camp. The cramped caves we lived in before Toby and the other Hork-Bajir built us more stable wooden huts were located on the inside of a granite mountain wall almost directly below me.

Right outside them lay a shallow, unlit fire pit we used for cooking and warmth. The crystal blue lake was hidden among dense evergreen forests on the southern tip of the valley. Open fields dominated the central area, with a few scattered fruit bushes and the two black tents we held meetings in sometimes.

The entire scene was highlighted by a night sky filled with myriads of stars, all giving the impression of glistening white gold speckled above the hazy mountain. It was so beautiful I truly almost forgot about all my troubles.

Almost.

A cold breeze blew through the air, bringing me back down to Earth. I sighed, rubbing my palms across my face and through my hair. If we had any chance of coming out of this dumb war alive, I needed to get a grip on reality, even if it meant facing up to my fears. Which, despite that annoying habit of lying to myself, included a girl I had no clue how to handle.

I heard light footsteps cautiously approaching me. I recognized those footsteps very quickly, but didn't bother turning around to greet them.

"I had a feeling you'd be here."

"Well, you were right," I replied to Cassie.

She shifted her weight back and forth, not really seeming eager to be there, speaking to me right then.

"We were all wondering where you were, so I decided to come up here and see if you need anything. See if you were hungry."

If there was one thing I knew about Cassie, it was that she is a terrible liar. Especially when she's trying hard not to be.

We both knew I was the last thing on the others' minds. They had their own problems to deal with, including a huge one Cassie had created for all of us.

I couldn't listen to her, so I nodded, my eyes cloudy and stinging, and remained silent. Cassie came closer to me, and I hadn't realized I flinched until after she stepped back again. She sighed tremulously, voice wavering when she spoke up.

"I know you're still angry with me. I understand-"

"You'll never understand, at least not anything that has to do with me. I was wrong to think you ever did. Trust that I won't make the same mistake again."

Cassie didn't say another word for several minutes, not that I would have listened, anyway. I sat in silence while she stood, probably uncomfortably, behind me. The only way I even knew she was still there was from listening to her soft breathing. She spoke only after she realized I was in no rush to revive conversation with her.

"Oh, Jake. What do you want me to do...what can I do to make things okay between us? Please tell me. I can't stand not knowing if you're okay," she whispered, pain buried in her words. I stubbornly picked at the cold rocky ground beneath me. No way I was gonna fall into the same trap.

"That's the thing. Sometimes you can't make things okay. You can't make things "better" for me. It's not like I have a paper cut or a bruise. It goes deeper than that," I admitted, a bit lower.

"As for your question, I don't know. I just don't know anymore. You took that away when you let him go, Cassie."

I hadn't meant for her name to come out like an expletive, but it did, and from the way she failed to reply I knew she heard it too. She sniffed from behind me.

"What should I tell everyone?"

"I'll be down in a while."

"If that's what you want, Jake."

It was then I finally stood to turn around and face her. It's not some huge revelation that Cassie's a petite girl, yet every time I look at her I'm surprised at how the beauty she holds on the inside and the outside always seems to drown out her size. Even when the only thing I feel towards her is hatred.

She was shivering a little, her arms were tightly wrapped around herself. It is pretty cold outside, I thought for the first time.

"Are you sure this is that what you want?"

The question had more than two possible answers, and because of it Cassie wouldn't even look at me. Her eyes were either closed or downcast by the way her dark lashes rested on her cheeks, and a single tear slowly ran down her face.

If I hadn't been so angry and confused, I might have let myself kiss them gone.

"It's what I want."

I turned back towards the serene scene below us. Cassie sighed again before she started back down the trail that led to lower ground. After another short period of silence I finally shed a lone tear, tangible proof of my weakness but something that was getting harder to hold back everyday. I then proceeded to ignore Cassie's wishes and went to bed.