Second Place

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Chapter 2

Thanks so much for the reviews! I'll keep them all in mind while writing!

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We left off after Inuyasha leans in to kiss Kagome, but is rejected on the grounds that his relationship with Kikyo has left Kagome wondering if he's capable of loving her as strongly.

Also, just wanna give you guys a heads up that I will not be following the exact events from the anime (Magatsuhis attack on the village upon Kagomes return will not be happening). But everything preceding episode 18 of the final act is the same. Magatsuhi sealed Kagomes powers and corrupted Kohakus jewel shard. Sesshomaru went after him and left Rin and Jaken in Kaede's village.

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The next ten days were lifeless to Inuyasha. He thought he could finally do it, finally move forward with Kagome the way he had damn well been thinking about for such a long time. For a while, he had wondered if he could ever be with her without feeling guilty about it. But when he had leaned in to kiss her, he had felt good. Great, even. Hell, he'd go as far as to say he felt freaking amazing. That was until she moved away from him, leaving his lips hanging there. He was pretty sure he had never felt as foolish as he had at that moment. Even days later, he felt foolish.

Keh, why am I still ruminating on this? It's been ten days. She's gonna be back soon and I'm still gonna be stuck on it. So what if she rejected me? What do I care? He did his best to mentally play off how he felt, forcing his same old scowl to replace his pensive expression. But, his heart didn't seem to lighten up, and his body consistently felt like there was a boulder on top of it. Or maybe it was the press of gravity from a million sit commands. He snorted at that thought, realizing how ironic it was that he very much preferred to have been sat by Kagome if it meant she would accept his feelings for her. But it was clear that somewhere along the lines, he had hurt her too much.

She's still concerned about my feelings for Kikyo... Dammit. I always thought that when Kikyo inevitably left, Kagome would be my future. I never stopped to think about the ways I was ruining a potential relationship before it even really started. I can't be surprised I guess. It ain't unlike me to ruin shit. He rolled his eyes, wondering if he could instead wallow in self pity. It didn't seem likely though. It just wasn't his style. And the wind soon blew by him, bringing a sweet scent to his nostrils like the most delicate punch to the face. He inhaled it, knowing it meant that Kagome had returned from her exam. He would recognize the smell of her anywhere. But this time, he didn't let himself enjoy it because he knew it'd mean enjoying her. And he couldn't have her, so it would be pointless to torture himself. He decidedly began breathing from his mouth instead. Keh, I just won't breathe from my nose ever again. Simple. Though he knew it was unlikely.

The half-demon rose from his place on ground where he had spent most of his time since he last saw her. It was right at the base of a tree at the outskirts of Kaedes village, the perfect place to detect any incoming danger coming towards the village or lingering at the well. As he looked around him, he wondered if he should meet her and walk her back to the village as he did every now and then. But something told him it'd be best if he just waited and kept his distance until he could feel out what the two of them even were to each other anymore.

The wind blew softly and ruffled the leaves in the trees, their rustling acting like the background music to the hanyou's angst. His gaze continued to travel between a path to the well and a path to the village, wondering if he should be standing there awkwardly or heading somewhere a bit less weird. But where would he go? If he ran back to the village he risked running into someone, and he didn't feel like engaging in some pointless small talk. But he refused to meet her at the well and risk rejection again if she preferred to walk alone. It dawned on him that he could just go in a completely random direction and just head back after she met up with everyone else, but which way would he go? And what if I demon attacked and he wasn't there to protect her? He couldn't seem to settle on a decision, and his incessant thinking about all the small details of his whereabouts when she arrives took over his brain. He didn't even notice her scent closing in on him from all of his mouth breathing until a small snapping brought his attention towards the forest.

Dammit... He shuddered as he saw Kagome appear in the distance, stepping over small twigs on her way. He wished he had just jumped up into a tree or something, but it was too late.

They made eye contact. Even he knew that he couldn't take back the eye contact. If he ran now, she would know he was running from her, and that would just make things worse. His pride was already wounded, so running would just be the fatal blow.

"Inuyasha... Are you alone?" Kagome almost sounded hopeful that maybe someone else was around to quell their uncomfortable situation, her eyes peering around.

"I-Uh... Yeah. Everyone's in the village." He kept looking at just about everyone around him but her at this point, "Let's just get going." He turned away from her, wondering when he got so damn shy. Why can't we just act the way we were before I screwed up? He questioned inwardly, though he had a feeling he wouldn't know how to act normal around her if his life depended on it right now.

"Yeah. Sounds good to me." She replied, and they both made their way back to the others, nothing slipping out from their lips as they entered the village, their path being surrounded by small huts and busied people. The sound of laughter and cheerful conversation buzzed around them like bees around flowers, easing any weird silence like the soft massage over aching muscles. That's what they were, right? Tense and achey muscles that just needed to be soothed and taken care of so they could just relax. However, it didn't seem so simple to massage their tension away with time and pleasantries. And even though the lonely quiet wasn't gnawing at them any further, there were still so many kinks they knew they'd have to work out.

"Kagome, you're back!" Sango appeared down the path, Shippo right behind her, "I can assume you beat the entrance exam demon?"

"Oh, yeah!" Kagome scratched her head and put on her best smile, "That's all taken care of."

"Then you can stay for some time? Inuyasha's been really grumpy since he went to drop off the bow and arrow in your era." Shippo announced innocently, his intention just to tease the hanyou per usual, and he anticipated that he might get a hit on the head. It was customary as this point for the kid to openly tease the half-demon and then try to dodge any attacks. But as the young fox anxiously jumped into the safe arms of Kagome, he realized that he had yet to be targeted by Inuyasha.

Instead, the half-demon had wordlessly stormed off. He wasn't interested in beating on the kid, though he wished he would be. It was always easier to take his anger out on something, but the hanyou really didn't have it in him to hit anything. He just didn't feel like it would make him feel better. And it made him sick because he wasn't sure what would make him feel better, besides Kagome.

"Inuyasha, may I ask where you're going?" Mirokus voice pulled the hanyou from his thoughts, and he looked over and saw him exiting Kaedes hut, "Has Kagome not yet returned?"

"Keh, she's with Sango." The silver-haired man huffed, continuing on his way.

"You didn't answer my first question. Is something the matter?" The monk could see the overwhelming anguish swimming in his friend's eyes. While Inuyasha made a habit of walking away from any domestic problems, he usually did so with rage and irritation. This time, however, while he seemed annoyed, he also just appeared sad.

"It ain't none of your business." Inuyasha unsurprisingly growled, crossing his arms over his chest and pressing onward in a hasty speed walk, "I'm fine."

Much to his dismay, though, the monk began following after him, bent on figuring out what could possibly have the half demon so distraught. "Something happened with Kagome, did it not? You've been rather sorrowful since you visited her era over a week ago."

"If you know so damn much, why the hell are you bugging me about it?" Once again, Inuyasha deflected, stopping and turning to give his best evil glare to the concerned fellow, but when he saw Miroku standing upright, calm and collected as he proded at him, he began to wonder if maybe he might be able to learn something from the guy. Despite acting foolish in his own romantic endeavors, Miroku had a special knack for providing a useful perspective for other people's problems. But Inuyasha wasn't sure if he could actually talk about how Kagome very blatantly rejected him.

"Because this isn't the time for arguments to get in the way of our goal." The raven haired man spoke cooly, "And because you are my friend are you not? Shall we talk?"

Before the hanyou knew it, he was sitting outside Kaedes hut with Miroku right there beside him. There was a pause as the monk waited for Inuyasha to begin spilling his worries to him, but it's not like Inuyasha knew how to vent very well. For such a long time, feelings were a non issue to him, something that he seldom cared about or took into consideration when he acted. Yeah, he had become more in tune with them as life went on, but verbalizing his messy emotions was something akin to flying without wings to him. He just could never manage to express himself right. And honestly, he had very little clue about how much he should let on about the whole debacle anyways. He didn't feel like saying he had tried to kiss her. Because then that lecherous monk would know that Inuyasha wanted Kagome in more than just the innocent friend way he already had with her. And it was one thing for everyone to be aware of their feelings for each other, but he couldn't live it down if Miroku knew that Inuyasha desired to kiss the girl. The teasing would be endless.

"My friend, you do know that I can only aid you in your Kagome problem if you tell me what's wrong." Miroku smirked, sensing his comrade's dilemma.

"Keh, I guess... Well..." That's when it hit the half-demon that he didn't have to tell Miroku exactly what happened. His problem lied with how to deal with his past with Kikyo in a way that makes Kagome feel just as special.

"Yes?" The monk leaned curiously.

"Keh, well nothing happened between Kagome and I if that's what you're hoping for." He lied, doing his best not to show it, "But I just... Don't know how to move on from Kikyo to Kagome. Not that I don't want to, but because I know I put Kagome through a lot when dealing with Kikyo."

"Ah, you're afraid that any romance with Kagome would be tainted with your previous rejection of her affections." Miroku nodded in understanding, "It's not the juicy gossip I was hoping for but I might know what to do."

"Keh, sorry I can't be of more amusement." Inuyasha rolled his eyes, "Wouldya just tell me how to deal with that? If not, you're wasting my damn time."

"Calm down. No reason to get aggressive." The dark-haired man assured, earning himself a hearty growl from his conversation partner, "I think Kagome would not be dramatic in worrying that she remains your second choice. You left her often to pursue Kikyo despite knowing Kagome's true feelings. Not only that, but with both of your bickering and petty insults, it's safe to say that she, at some points, was very insecure about not being seen as an equal. She is already Kikyo's reincarnation. There already lies ground for comparison in addition to being romantic rivals. I have no doubt Kagome compared herself often in looks, skills, and use."

"I know I did some stupid shit. But dammit, what can I do now?" The dog demon did his best to remain patient, though he was never one to handle criticisms well. Ain't like I'm not getting what I deserve though... He thought bitterly.

Miroku nodded, unphased by his friend's typical outbursts, "Kikyo was a very special woman in your life. Kagome will always respect that because she cares deeply for you. But you have to work out how you feel for both of them - even if Kikyo is gone - and how they compare. If you can't, then perhaps you should leave her be. Every girl desires closure."

"I just don't get why it matters so much. Kikyo died. She ain't coming back." he said the last part bitterly as looked down to the ground, a tinge of guilt swirling in his stomach.

"Well, would you like feeling as though the woman you loved was only with you because they couldn't be with their first choice?" The monk raised his finger, "Those feelings would be especially strong for Kagome as she witnessed your devotion to Kikyo. She already went through feeling like you chose Kikyo over her before."

That's when it struck Inuyasha like a Boulder crashing on top of him. I... I kept thinking that it was irrelevant how I felt about Kikyo because she was never coming back. I never even thought to consider that Kagome may be hurt because she thinks that I'll always wish I could be with Kikyo instead. Keh, there's no way I could imagine not being with her now, right? Dammit. Maybe I do need some time to figure this out.

"Can I assume by your silence that perhaps you understand what she may feel?" The dark-haired man asked, smiling in contentment as he watched his friend get the look on his face, the one where his eyes glaze over with thought and any tension from his jaw relaxes. It was the face of someone hit with the new perspective they've been looking for that would grant them the ability to conquer whatever issues they faced. The man was hopeful that Inuyasha may have finally gotten the wisdom necessary to work through his emotions and get the girl they all knew was meant for him.

"I... I'm gonna go make sure no demons are nearby." The hanyou abruptly huffed as he stood up and ran away. It was a lame excuse, and one that he knew the monk would no doubt see through, but he needed some time to himself to think about his own feelings alone. But as he distanced himself from his wise friend, he missed the proud smile Miroku wore, knowing all too well that Inuyasha had finally gotten the breakthrough he needed.

Damn that monk for making sense. Now I'm gonna have to deal with his stupid smug self when I should have been able to figure this out all on my own. Inuyasha soared through the town until he found a nice, tall tree near the outskirts to perch himself on. Keh, but I guess it's better to have heard it from him than to have never realized what I need to do.

The hanyou found the perfect branch on the tree to relax on, one thick enough to hold his weight while also having a bundle of leaves surrounding him like a shield to keep him from being seen if anyone tried to go looking for him. He leaped up to it and say down, his back leaning against the trunk. He crossed his arms right below his chest, hands sliding up his baggy sleeves as he got comfortable.

"Alright. Guess there ain't nothing else to do than figure this out." He knew he had avoided this subject, almost as if he was scared to learn the answer of who he preferred. While he could say he cared for them in different ways, he knew it was bullshit to say he didn't prefer one over the other. At the end of the day, even if he did care for Kagome and Kikyo uniquely, the heart would always want someone just a little bit more. That's just how it was. Nothing was perfectly equal. There was always a favorite food, favorite color, favorite friend and favorite lover. Even if it was just by a little bit.

But how do I even begin to work all that out? And why am I so nervous to find out? Inuyasha huffed, both of the women's faces appearing in his mind. When he envisioned Kagome, he felt relaxed. Hopeful, even. And when Kikyo's pale popped up, he felt sorrowful. Kikyo got her peace... Why do I still feel so damn sad? Is it because I love her more? He waited for some sign to give him his answer, but all he got was silence. He didn't even know what he wanted the answer to be. It all just felt so wrong. He felt wrong for doing this, comparing the two as lovers. But why do I feel like I'm doing something I ain't supposed to by thinking about this? I know that I owe it to myself and Kagome to work this out. Yet, I feel like this is some mortal sin or something. Dammit, why?

And as he demanded an answer regarding his own reservations, it finally hit him. It's not just sadness I feel... Kikyo's face flashed over once more. I feel guilty... Like I'm ruining her memory. And just like that, everything started coming together. It's guilt. It's been guilt. Guilt has been what stopped me for so long. It's why I ain't ever wanted to think about who I really want in the first place. Kikyo died because of me. She had been ready to live a life with me and instead, she lost her life. And, by thinking about the possibility that I might love someone more, it's almost like I'm slapping her in the face. Did she really die because of our relationship just for me to find out I didn't even love her as much as I was capable of?

Inuyasha clenched his jaw, feeling like the worst person in the world. He knew that, had he been able to make a life with Kikyo, he would have been completely devoted to her happiness. And yet, it still wasn't enough to erase the sting on his conscious. And it only grew as he began reaching the end of his introspection.

It's like there's some sense of responsibility. Because she died due to my own lack of trust, when she came back, I had a responsibility to love her above anyone else. It still feels like that. As if questioning any of this is betraying her memory. He sighed, a weight starting to press down on him, like the sky was toppling over his body. But he resisted it, the muscles in his body tensing, I can't not figure this out. If I love Kikyo more than Kagome, if I wished I could be with Kikyo more than Kagome... Why do I feel so guilty?

That's when it hit him. He knew the answer all along, but he could never say it because he didn't think he was allowed to feel this strongly about Kagome. But the guilt and the feeling of being in the wrong was all because he felt like he had an obligation to make Kikyo his first choice. And when loving Kagome felt so easy, he felt like he was a fraud. It felt like any meaning in Kikyo's death was being taken away by him. Even though she found her peace, even though he already went through so much for her, and even though he knew he would have been good to her. He still felt like a traitor.

"But if I let all that go... If I stop feeling like I owe my whole damn existence to Kikyo, what's left?" Inuyasha shut his eyes and took a deep breath.

And as he pondered that question, he realized that he finally knew what he had to do.

Alright! So it's a three-shot. I always felt like his emotions were complex and that the show never really delved right into his feelings of obligation vs his feelings of love for Kikyo and how both could exist.

Because of the complexity, I hope that I was able to accurately convey my take on Inuyasha and why Kikyo was so untouchable. If not, I'll do my best to further explain it in the next chapter!

Review review!