Inspired by the Panic! At The Disco song 'This is Gospel' This is a one shot set after the events of Avengers:Endgame so be aware of spoilers if you haven't seen the movie yet. Bucky attends the memorial service for Tony Stark and feels like he shouldn't be there. And then Steve makes a revelation that could change Bucky's life forever. My own interpretation on how that could've happened. If you're anti-Endgame or not happy with how Steve's story ended in the movie, this probably isn't the fic for you.

All errors are my own and unintentional.

The Beat of His Heart.

He feels awkward being here.

When Steve suggested he attend today, it was Bucky's first instinct to shy away and refuse. Hadn't he caused enough pain for the family? What good could come out of him being there?

Then Sam reminded him that an important step for him to take on his continuing journey of recovery was to begin to forgive himself.

And that included being here today.

So here he is and nerves are making his stomach feel like a trampoline bed.

His eyes take in the people present; people who knew Tony Stark a hell of a lot more than he did. People who have shared their lives with him, have worked on missions and fought battles alongside him. People who love and respect him. What has he done? He took the lives of his parents which, when Tony discovered it, created a barrier between two friends that cracked apart and was almost rendered irreparable. He frowns against the twist of guilt he feels grip tightly in the pit of his stomach.

What the hell is he doing here?

He huffs out a sigh and begins to turn, intending to leave. He has no right to be here. He then feels a hand rest heavily on his shoulder, effectively stopping him from taking another step. He looks at Sam who is regarding him sombrely.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he enquires, his tone mild. Bucky just stares at him.

"Outta here. I shouldn't even be here," he murmurs. Sam's grip tightens almost painfully on his shoulder.

"Yeah you do. C'mon." He gently manoeuvres the soldier around so he's facing the way he originally was. "You'll be fine."

Ahead of them is Pepper. She stands on the porch of the house she shared with her late husband for the past five years and beside her is their daughter, Morgan who is regarding the goings on with dark brown eyed solemnity. Bucky thinks she shouldn't be going through all of this at her age. If it wasn't for him, maybe she'd have a set of doting grandparents around to help her through her grief.

If it wasn't for him, a hell of a lot of other things would be going on here. Better things maybe.

"Stop it." Sam's voice again. He glances at him, "I can all but hear your thoughts screaming through your skull from here. Enough. You're here to pay your respects, like everyone else here."

"Doubt anyone else here has done what I have," Bucky mutters to him.

"How many of them were tortured and brainwashed by Hydra first though, huh?" Sam reminds him as they slowly move towards the porch. Bucky huffs out a sigh and tries to distract himself from what's going on right now and his eyes scan the crowds of people present. There are so many of them here.

"Where's Steve?" he asks. He travelled in with Sam, Steve promising to meet them both here.

"He's around," Sam answers calmly.

Now they're here. Pepper stands in front of them, clad in widow's weeds, with Happy Hogan, Tony's right hand man, on her left-hand side. Bucky watches him as Sam steps forward, offering his condolences to her. Happy regards Bucky somewhat steadily and it's in that moment he realises that Happy knows who he is and more importantly, his role in the Stark family history. There's no outward expression on his face but Bucky swallows slowly against a dry throat and once more wishes that he was anywhere but here. He feels a hand on his upper arm and his head turns a little and he's looking into Pepper's blue eyes. Anything he wanted to say to her vaporises in his mind and for a second or two he just stares helplessly at her.

"I'm…" He doesn't know what to say to her. He's sure she knows exactly who he is.

He glances again at the little girl who stands beside her mother. She's staring up at him and he wonders whether she knows too. He then looks back at Pepper and sees her gentle, almost tired smile. Of all the possible reactions he expected from Tony Stark's widow, a smile wasn't one of them. She has to know what he's done.

"Sergeant Barnes, thank you so much for coming today. I know it mustn't have been easy." Her voice is low, welcoming and it stuns him deeper into silence. Mustn't have been easy? How does he respond to that? She's lost the love of her life; the father of her child and she's thinking about how his being here is easy or not. He feels the strength of her grace like a punch in the chest.

She then takes his right hand and gently squeezes it and he feels a lump form in his throat.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," he whispers back through mostly uncooperative lips. His brain still isn't really focusing on Pepper's response to his being here.

"Thank you," she replies. She lets go of his hand and Sam is guiding him away and he lets him. Once more he looks at the quiet little girl by her mother's side and she just stares back at him.

Does she know what he's done?

He stands at the back of the crowd and listens to the memorial service with half an ear. At the forefront of his mind is the fight at the Siberian Hydra HQ, where he'd been kept as the Asset, how between the three of them, they'd torn that godforsaken place apart with feelings of heartbreak, betrayal and rage. He should've let Tony kill him. He shouldn't have fought back the way he did. He shouldn't have let Steve sacrifice friendship, camaraderie, the Avengers, for him. And for what? He told him then that he didn't think he was worth the trouble he'd no doubtedly caused. He hasn't changed his mind about that one.

Steve stands a few metres away, spine straight and shoulders back. He's clad in a black suit, white shirt, black tie. Always upright and correct. He's been quiet since that final battle, almost permanently lost in thought. It reminds Bucky of the times when he was sick, before the super serum, before all of this. When he was a frail skinny kid that a good gust of wind could blow over. He'd have the same frown on his face sometimes and Bucky always knew it was because he hated being sick, being that helpless kid held back from leading a normal life. He hated being a burden to him or to anyone else and no matter what he'd say to reassure him, he always felt the same. Even now, in full rude health, he didn't like being beholden to anyone. He was Captain America, a symbol of strength, loyalty. A star-spangled hero.

They'd stood in the centre of the battle field. Once upon a time it had been Avengers HQ. There's nothing left there apart from rubble and hollowed out craters. Some are filled with water from the nearby lake. It went from all-out war, fighting for survival, the ground and the sky black with fear and desperation and then it all went strangely silent. Bucky had seen Thanos standing in the midst of all of the chaos, the gauntlet back on his hand, how he raised that hand and he could sense the triumph but nothing happened. They'd all braced themselves for a repeat of the first time back in Wakanda, but it hadn't happened. It puzzled Bucky for a moment until all around him, Thanos's troops began to disintegrate. Their ashes drifting off into the ether. The relief was short lived though, because as with many major victories, a price is always paid somewhere. Seeing Tony Stark's lifeless body haunts him. Hearing the kid's pleas still gives him sleepless nights. They'd won but they'd still lost.

Steve has lost a friend. Everyone present has lost a friend, an ally, a loved one but Steve especially. In the aftermath, in numb shock, he told him that they'd begun to build bridges again, they'd talked on the phone once in a while, visited even less. A shaky truce had been forged from the ruins but they weren't the friends that they'd once been. He even confessed to Bucky once that he wasn't even sure they'd ever had been, not when their core beliefs sometimes caused them to butt heads on occasion, the last time to their detriment and two years of estrangement.

And here he is, back to the subject of Tony's parents again. And what he'd done.

And that he'd never be given the opportunity to make amends to Tony. He doesn't even know whether he would've been willing to listen to him. He wouldn't blame him at all if he hadn't been. If the tables were turned, would he?

Once again, he feels a hand on his shoulder. He glances at Sam and sees the look of sympathy on his face. Tries to offer a reassuring smile in return but fails miserably. Feels his grip tighten slightly for a moment before he drops his hand.

Bucky takes a slow deep breath, his hands in the pockets of the black bomber jacket that he wears. He tightens both fists as he slowly exhales. His mind wanders. What is he going to do now? If he can't make amends to Tony personally, perhaps helping those who need it could be the way to go. He's done with fighting. He's done with war. He's tired. In an ideal world he'd be returning from fighting for his country and into the arms of a warm willing girl. That war ended close to eight decades ago. There's no warm willing girl waiting for him. His eyes scan the people present. No Natasha either. Steve told him what happened to her and there's a faintly hollow feeling in his chest at the thought of her lying at the bottom of a cliff on another far away planet. Back in Berlin, he faintly remembers her saying that the least he could do was recognise her and since that day those words have come back to him again and again and there is something there at the very fringes of his memory but he's a little afraid to tug at that thread. He's not sure he wants to remember but there's definitely something there, he thinks.

The memorial is over and people are beginning to dissipate, to form their own groups and talk and remember. For a moment Bucky just stands there, feeling the disconnection especially. Apart from Steve and Sam, who does he know specifically? It's not as though he can share memories with any of them, it's not like he can say 'oh, I murdered Tony's parents back in the early nineties' What would people say in response to that, he wonders. He can see the kid, the Spider Kid, sitting on the porch and with him is Happy Hogan. The kid is pale and distraught looking and Bucky feels for him. He sees Steve approach him, crouch down in front of him and he speaks to him. He can't hear what it is he's saying but the boy looks at him and gives him a teary half smile and nod. Steve reaches across and pats his shoulder before straightening up. He turns his head and makes eye contact with Bucky for what feels like the first time since he got here. He stays still as his childhood best friend approaches him, his footsteps slow and measured, hands pushed into trouser pockets. That frown is back.

He offers the faintest of smiles as he stops beside him just for a moment.

"Hey Buck. Wanna take a walk with me?" he asks. For a second Bucky regards him and he realises that Steve has something on his mind that he's ready to get off his chest.

And he might not like what it is he needs to talk about.

"Sure, Steve," he replies and falls into step with him as he turns and begins to head to the lakeshore.

For a few minutes, neither of them say a word but Bucky watches him, sees how he chews his bottom lip, his eyes on the ground. Eventually they pause by the lakeshore and he realises that while they're still within sight of the Stark home, they're far enough away to have a conversation and not have it overheard by anyone else. Bucky turns to the water. He can see the wreath of flowers floating in the distance, bobbing and dipping over the ripples and waves. He squints a little against the sunshine reflecting off the surface, dappling and sparkling with the faint breeze that blows.

"Are you gonna tell me what's on your mind, Steve?" he eventually asks and as he does, he turns and sees Steve's brief look of surprise. "What? You think because we've been apart for so long that I can't read you anymore? Newsflash pal, I always have done."

Steve's smile is faint.

"I forgot you could do that," he murmurs.

Bucky waits for him to elaborate. "Well?" he prompts.

Steve looks at him. He scans his face and Bucky gets the distinct impression that he's trying to commit him to memory and that makes him feel faintly uneasy. They've known each other over a century now, give or take. They know each other as well as they know themselves. Best friends and all of that. He doesn't think that part's changed, even if they've been apart for most of the past eighty years. A connection is a connection.

"You're okay now, aren't you, Buck?" he eventually asks and Bucky frowns. How is he supposed to answer that?

"Why are you asking?" he asks instead.

"Everything that we've been through. Best friends, the war, Hydra, you, me…." His voice fades away. "Have you thought about what you want to do now the fight is finished?"

"The fight isn't finished Steve. It never is. Something always happens. You're the Avengers…"

"The Avengers were always Tony's. They were never mine, never belonged to me. I was just part of the team."

"Yeah, the heart of it. Tony might have been the brains but you were always the heart of it, the soul." The conscience.

"You really think so?"

Bucky rolls his eyes. "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it, punk."

Another smile, just for a minute before it dissipates.

"Yeah, that's true but it has to end one day and now Thanos has been defeated. I've been watching the other guys; Carole Danvers, Thor, the Guardians…I'm not really needed anymore, Buck."

Bucky widens his eyes. "That's not true."

Steve's expression is sad as he slowly shakes his head. "Yeah it is. Tony's gone, Natasha too. Thor wants to live a semblance of a life and I don't think he's too interested in the Avengers anymore. They're ready for a new age, new guys. New blood. They may need a Cap one day Buck, it just doesn't have to be me."

"What are you gonna do Steve, retire?" Bucky scorns, he knows for a fact that his friend doesn't know the meaning of the word. He waits for him to chuckle and shake his head, to be reminded again that he knows him too well.

But he doesn't.

"That's exactly what I'm gonna do, Bucky," he confirms and Bucky's eyes go wide with surprise.

"Why?" he asks in astonishment.

"Because I think it's time and I want to talk to you about what's gonna happen next."

Not if but when.

Bucky exhales shakily.

"You're Captain America. That shield is yours."

"It could be yours, if you're interested?"

For a moment Bucky stares at him, dumbfounded by his offer.

"You can't be serious," he breathes. Steve regards him steadily.

"I'm deadly serious. You want the shield, it's yours. I could talk to Fury, he'd approve you, I know he would once I've told him all about you…" His words stutter to a halt as Bucky begins to shake his head.

"No. Don't do that. That's not a good idea…at all!"

"Why not?"

Bucky just blinks at him. "Look at you…man, you're the epitome of the shield. You're a good honest man who always believes in what's right. You fight for it with everything that you have for the good of humanity. People look up to you. You're strong, fair…a truly good person. Me? I'm the absolute opposite." He pauses and takes a slow deep breath. Confusion and fear whirl together inside of his brain in a madcap kind of a dance.

"Trust me, I'm not the man for the job and I'm done fighting. If you're looking for someone who will do the job right, well he's standing over there." With a thumb, he indicates over to the Stark house and watches as Steve turns his head and looks at the people dotted around.

"Sam. He's the guy, he's the only guy," Bucky fills in, just in case.

"You think so?"

"You don't? Look at him Steve. He's your first choice, your only choice. He's just like you just with added sass." He smiles as his friend does, the first one he's seen all day.

"Loyalty, a good heart. Strength. Kindness. A soldier. He's the one, man. Think about it, you know I'm right."

Steve regards him, the smile fading, "So are you, you're all of that too," he reminds him quietly and Bucky slowly shakes his head.

"No, not really."

"You always had my back Buck, as a kid, growing up…"

"Someone had to but you know I'm not the right fit for what you're offering, Steve. Deep down you know I'm not. Yeah, I'm a soldier, I have strength and I'm loyal to you. The rest of it…you know what I've done. I can't carry the shield and keep doing what you've been doing. You already know who it should be and it ain't gonna be me."

"Not ever?"

Bucky shrugs, "Just not right now," he admits in a soft voice. "So, you're thinking of retiring and going where, doing what exactly?"

Steve regards his friend. "Exactly? I'm going home, I'm gonna go back to Peggy."

Bucky stares blankly at him for a moment.

"Back to- Wait a minute I thought she…" He gives his head a little shake and wonders if he's missed something important.

"Right here and right now she is. She's gone. Right before I found you again in Bucharest. No, that's not what I'm talking about."

"I'm confused."

"You know that I'm returning all of the Infinity Stones back to their rightful places in the timeline, right?" Bucky just nods. He's also returning Thor's hammer. He watches as Steve takes a deep breath. "I'm going back to the beginning Buck, and I'm not planning on coming back."

For a moment there's silence. Apart from the sound of the water rushing to the shore, the squall of birds in the air. All Bucky is aware of is the loud thud of his heartbeat in his ears as he absorbs what Steve has told him.

"Back - back to the War?" he clarifies and sees him nod.

"Tony always said I should get a life of my own, that I was so busy saving everyone else's that maybe one day I should actually get one and now that Thanos is gone, that the threat is over…maybe now is the time."

Bucky exhales, feeling his knees wobble a little at the revelation.

"When Tony and I time jumped to the seventies, we were at Camp Lehigh. I saw Peggy; she was working there and seeing her again was like a punch to the gut."

"For Peggy? You want to go back to nineteen forty whatever for a girl?" he exclaims and immediately bites his lip, gives his head a shake and he turns away, looking back at the house and he waits for the indignation to die down.

"Forty-Six. You think that I shouldn't?" Steve's voice is hesitant. Bucky looks back at him.

"Does it matter what I think? You've always been in love with that gal, Steve. Five minutes ago, eighty years ago, what's the difference?" His accompanying smile is fleeting.

"And I'm still an asshole. Ignore me. What's important here is what you want to do and if it means going back in time then do it. Go for it."

Steve just stares at him and Bucky can see that he's battling with his choice. He then shakes his head.

"No…I can stay. Now that I think about it, it's a dumb idea. She might not even want me, if she ever did."

"Oh she wanted you, back then. Remember that night in that bar, when she showed up in that knockout red dress? No one else existed in there for her but you. That wasn't a figment of anyone's imagination, trust me." Bucky regards him. "You should go."

"You could come with me. Help me to return the stones. We'd work together like old times and once that's done you could head back with me, you never know, you might find someone special and settle down too."

For a single moment, Bucky contemplates the idea. An adventure with his best friend. Heading back to nineteen forties Brooklyn. Meeting someone, settling down, having that elusive life, living the dream. It's tempting. He then sighs, shakes his head.

"You know I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because of what's going on inside of here." He taps the side of his head. "You always felt out of place in the here and now. The newspaper articles used to call you the Man Out of Time. You were always looking for something but I don't think you ever found it. Not in this century anyway." Another faint smile. "And I have to admit, it's taken some getting used to, but I kinda like living in the twenty first century." He turns again to look at that group of people gathered around the front of the house.

"I don't like the thought of leaving you here by yourself Buck, not after everything that's happened. Everything we've been through together."

Bucky looks back at him. Makes himself smile.

"You know I'll be okay. I have Sam. He'll drive me crazy, keep me on my toes but I won't be completely alone. You want to go be with Peggy, go be with her. If the roles were reversed and it was me telling you all of this, you'd be telling me to go, to live my life, live my dream, wouldn't you?"

He sees the doubt cloud his friend's eyes.

"Well yeah, but…"

"Then go and live yours Steve. Go. You have my blessing."

Steve huffs out a sigh and Bucky can see that he's still torn. He takes a step closer to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. Waits for him to make eye contact.

"You once told me that you'd be with me til the end of the line. Maybe this is it, the end of this line. For now. I don't want you to stay here with me out of a sense of…duty or something. You will only regret it and I'm no fucking friend to you clinging on to you for my own selfish reasons. Go. Be happy." He softens his voice and makes himself smile at the look of doubt that's still lingers on Steve's face. He then pulls him into his arms and hugs him, closing his eyes and ignoring the fierce ache that's taken root in his chest. He wants to cling onto him, cling on like a limpet. All these years and they've barely spent any real time together. Trips to Wakanda during his rehabilitation were fleeting, interrupted by duty and his need to be elsewhere, saving humanity. Bucky learned to accept that it was who he was. He helped people. Now it's his turn. He has to make him see that it's okay to leave him, that he'll get by without him. He draws back and looks into Steve's eyes.

"Don't worry about me. I can take care of myself and like I said, I'll have Sam."

"Really?" He hears the scepticism in his voice and once more he makes himself smile.

"Yeah. I mean really, what could possibly go wrong?"

Another chuckle that gladdens Bucky's heart. "You sure you want the answer to that one?" Steve quips.

"Maybe not but I'll be fine. You know I will be. Go and be with Peggy and have that life you've been dreaming about."

"You're sure you won't come with me?"

"I'm sure. There's stuff I've got to do here."

"Oh yeah, like what?"

Bucky just shrugs. "I haven't quite figured it out just yet. I have a need to make things right in the world, make amends. No matter what you might think, that what I did as the Soldier wasn't my fault, it doesn't sit right with me. Maybe I can talk to some people here, figure it out somehow. I don't know."

"You're sure you don't want the shield?"

"Oh I'm sure."

"Well in that case, talk to Sharon Carter or Maria Hill. I'm sure they'll have some ideas if that's the road you want to go down."

"It's a thought."

And a really good idea.

They walk slowly back up towards the house, Steve's arm comfortably across Bucky's shoulders.

"So, when are you gonna do this thing?" Bucky asks, still keeping his voice low.

"Later today, once the guests have left. Banner's going to set up the portal. Everything I need to take with me is here."

Bucky swallows against the ice-cold shock that douses him. So soon? He thought he'd maybe have a day or two more with him at least.

"Will you stick around?" he asks and Bucky glances at him.

"Try and keep me away," he replies and sees his friend smile.

They say their farewells and Bucky makes himself smile even though he knows he's going to miss him. He even tells him that he will but Steve reassures him that he'll be okay and he will be. In time. Right now he hurts but he can't and won't let Steve see that. He won't be the reason why he changes his mind again. Steve is right, the world may always need Captain America, it just doesn't have to be him. Not anymore. He stands in the portal, facing them both clad in a white Quantum Realm suit. In one hand he holds a silver metal briefcase which contains the Infinity Stones and in the other, Thor's hammer. They make eye contact and Bucky sees the faintest of smiles cross his best friend's face as well as the slightest of nods. No one else knows what he's planning to do. He made Bucky promise to keep his secret. As far as everyone is concerned, he'll be back in about five seconds according to Banner, but he knows otherwise.

All the same his heart bumps extra hard in his chest as his friend vanishes from view. He feels the panic from Sam and Banner when Steve doesn't return as promised within the time frame. Doesn't tell Banner that he's made a miscalculation or anything like that. Waits for the penny to drop.

And then it does.

He sees him sitting on a wooden bench maybe fifty metres away from them. He'd recognise him anywhere and he tells Sam to go over, which he does. He doesn't have to be within hearing distance to know what they're talking about and when Steve hands the shield over to him, he sees how Sam looks back at him, surprise evident on his face. Bucky offers a smile and a nod and watches him slide the shield on.

He was right. Sam is the right choice and that shield looks damn good on him. He feels the relief flow through him. Everything's going to be just fine.

Sam walks away, still carrying the shield. Bucky watches him go back to the house before he slowly approaches the park bench. His hands are pushed into his jacket pockets once more. He stands beside him and waits. Steve is still tall, broad shouldered but age has shrunk him inwards a little. Deep lines score his skin and his hair is silver white instead of blond now but when he lifts his head to look up at him, Bucky sees that familiar twinkle in those slightly faded blue eyes. For a moment the two of them just look at each other. Bucky doesn't even want to know how he got back here. Then he smiles. Bucky catches sight of the wedding band that he wears and it's his turn to grin.

"So, she gave you a shot, huh?"

He sees how he looks down at the wedding ring and smiles once again.

"Yeah. I guess she did, Buck."