ok, so, i have to say, first and foremost, that you really shouldn't replicate anything you read in this fic. it's not worth it, trust me, i'm speaking from experience.

this fic is purely self indulgent, and is being written for therapy purposes. i don't know how often i can update, because while writing the second half of this chapter i got pretty upset. i just felt that i had to get this out, and my therapist didn't help any when she heavily encouraged me to do this. so here it is.

i welcome questions if you have them.

also, the tododeku is in here because i refuse to write for this fandom without it at least being hinted at. it also won't be the main focus of the fic.

"I didn't need your help shitty Deku! I never asked for it and I didn't need it!"

Kacchan screams at me and angrily turns away, finally heading home. His words buzz through my brain, solidifying everything else I've heard today and every other day previous. I feel the tears prickle at my eyes again, the familiar knot constricting inside my chest and clogging my throat. My shaky breaths echo through the deserted street, as I try to control my traitorous eyes.

He's right you know, why do you have to be so weak and useless?

I don't mean to be, it's just how I am. It's how I was born, I can't do anything about it. Quirklessness is genetic, and I can't change that no matter how much I try. I'll never be a hero, All Might said so himself. The tears finally spill out at the memory from just over an hour ago. I rub them away in frustration. It's not like crying ever fixed anything.

What's the point of doing this anymore?

Point? I don't know. I always wanted to be a hero, what can I do besides that? I guess there really isn't a point. I'm just being stupid and childish, hanging on to the unattainable. Fuck, why can't I stop crying? I rub my eyes more, trying to ignore the tremors wracking my body. I need to stop this. It's a good thing that I give up that dream. I'd just end up ruining things anyway. Kacchan never would've been in danger if I hadn't selfishly bothered All Might like I did.

Take a swan dive off the roof.

I shake my head at the memory. I don't want to jump off a roof. Besides, the school's long since closed, and I'd probably get caught by the teachers if I tried.

There's other places you can jump off of moron.

I choke on a sob and shake my head again. I don't want to do what Kacchan says.

How do you want to do it then?

I stop rubbing my eyes and stare down at the asphalt. How?

If you don't want to jump to your death, then how would you prefer to do it?

I don't know. I've never really thought about it before. I absently rub at my cheeks, the drying tears irritating my face. How could I go about it? A gun would be the quickest way, but they're almost impossible for civilians to buy legally(1).

What about knives? Those aren't illegal to own.

True, but I don't know how to go about it properly without messing it up.

You have a phone idiot, look it up.

I fumble for my phone, locating it in my right pant pocket. I unlock it and walk in the direction Kacchan went. There's a park near there where I can sit down. I let my feet guide me to the park while opening a private browser on my phone, only hesitating slightly before closing all the tabs with hero forums on them. It's not like that stuff matters anymore.

The park is deserted, which is a given since it's sunset. I pick a bench at random and sit down, typing in my new search parameters. Hmm, it really seems to depend on where I cut and how I do it. Arteries are preferable, and to cut lengthwise to allow for more blood flow.

The only downside would be how long it would take to bleed to death. Humans have a lot of blood in them, and there's a high risk of being found and taken to the hospital before I can die. My hands aren't that steady at the best of times anyway, so I'd probably manage to mess it up somehow. There's also the risk of chickening out at the last minuet. Blood always did freak me out a little.

You could electrocute yourself.

Nah. I don't want to ruin mum's toaster or another appliance. Besides, I don't really want to die naked in a bathtub.

Hanging?

I open another tab, and look up how to properly tie a noose. It looks promising. If I do it properly I'd die of a broken neck, and if I don't, I'll just strangle to death. The only thing that makes me reject the idea, is the thought of what can go wrong. There's no guarantee that a broken neck will kill me. I could just as easily end up paralyzed for the rest of my life. That's not what I want. Besides, where am I going to hang the rope?

Poison?

I huff and scrunch my eyebrows. What could I possibly use to poison myself with that wouldn't taste terrible going down? Wait. Pills. I could overdose on pills. They're the easiest things to get, and everyone knows that drugs are risky when taken in too high a quantity. I immediately pull open a few new tabs and look up different over the counter drugs, as well as how much someone of my stature would have to take to get the desired results.

I could also mix some drugs together. If I found two or more drugs that I could easily get my hands on that aren't supposed to be taken together, and take more than the recommended dosage, then I can easily die from both the reaction and the overdose.

So, we're doing this then?

I pause, staring blankly at the screen for a moment. I guess… there's no real reason not to. So, sure, why not. I turn my phone off and put it back in my pocket, getting up to finally go back home. The sun has long since set, and mum's going to be getting off work soon. She'll be worried if I'm not back before her, and I can only hope she didn't see or hear the news today. Would I even be in the news? Knowing my luck, probably.

I set off at a jog, trying to get home as fast as possible without wearing myself out too quickly. I'm still gasping for breath once I get to the apartment complex, and I'm doubled over with my hands on my knees as I wait for the elevator to arrive. The door opens with a ding just as I manage to catch my breath, but my throat still feels pretty ragged. I'll probably need to down some water to soothe my throat when I get home.

I enter the elevator and lean against the cool metal after punching in my floor number. As the box lurches and rattles it's way up I close my eyes, shutting out the obnoxious light of the florescent lights. I absently listen to the ding of each floor and listen to my breaths, enjoying the peace and quiet. Will it be peaceful like this when I die?

Does it matter?

Mmmm, no. I guess not. I already made my decision, there's no reason to think about it further. My eyes open when the doors do and I get out, pulling out my keys as I head for the front door. I flick on the hallway light and take off my shoes, sliding seamlessly into my slippers as I make my way inside once the door closes behind me.

I should probably make dinner or something. I'm not all that hungry, but I feel like doing something for mum. After dropping my bag off in my room, I head into the kitchen and start making dinner. It's nothing complicated, just some sandwiches made from some leftovers. I never actually learned how to cook, so this will have to do.

Just as I'm done making the last one, I hear the door open and the shuffling sounds as mum makes her way inside. The door closes and I hear her put a bag down as she takes off her shoes. I place the food on a plate when she calls out her greeting.

"I'm home! Izuku? Where are you? What do you want for dinner?"

"I'm in the dining room mum. And I already made us sandwiches, so don't worry about it."

"You did?"

She bustles into the dining room, where I'm setting the plate down, with a surprised look on her face.

"Oh, so you did! What brought this on?"

I scratch the back of my neck and look down at the scuffed wood of the table.

"I just felt like it today."

"Well, thank you. It's very sweet of you"

She places a quick kiss on my forehead, and we both sit down to eat. She asks me about my day, and I mumble out a vague reply as I pick at my food. She asks if I'm ok, and I just give her a smile and tell her I'm just tired. It's not really a lie.

With dinner eaten and cleaned away, I go through my nightly routine. After my shower, and halfway through brushing my teeth, I take a moment to look through the medicine cabinet. I pull out some of the over the counter pain pills as well some of mum's prescriptions, and look at the labels. I take note of the ingredients and the warning tags, before tucking them back away.

Once in the safety of my room, I pull out my phone again. I take the time to search the different drugs and their ingredients, trying to see which ones react badly with each other. Tomorrow is the weekend, and I'll have plenty of time to go through with it when mum goes to work in the morning.

"I'm off sweetie, I'll see you later."

"Bye mum."

I wave as she heads out the door, dropping my hand once it clicks shut. I take a deep breath and go to the bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet and taking out a bottle of pain pills and mum's blood pressure medication. I feel bit bad about taking them, but I'm sure she can easily get more. Besides, I'm only taking one bottle, she has another one that's half full in her bedroom.

I look over the labels again, to make sure I have the ones that I need, and then head back to my bedroom. Once inside, I head over to my backpack and empty the contents out onto the bed. I don't plan on doing this here, it just feels wrong. So I'm going to go somewhere else to kill myself.

With my bag now empty, I tuck the bottles away at the bottom before looking around the room. I take in all the All-Might merchandise and paraphernalia. Maybe I should take it all down, pack it away so mum doesn't have to later. Yeah, I think I'll do that. I have to get a box first though, does mum still keep them in the closet?

After several minutes of rummaging around, I finally manage to procure a box and set it on my bed. I immediately get to work on rounding up all my toys and posters, as well as the comic books and DVD's. It's when I'm rolling up one of the posters that I get this strange urge to just tear it apart. To destroy it and then do the same thing to the rest of it.

The thought takes over my mind like a sweet poison. My hands clamp down on the thick coloured paper, and I stare intensely down at it. I hear a rushing in my ears as my breath shortens. Should I? It's not as if anyone's going to want them when I'm gone.

The next thing I know, I'm tearing the paper apart and moving on to the rest of it. I ignore the pain when the plastic cuts into my hands as I snap apart my toys and DVD's, and toss them absently into the box. Soon it's just the hero notebooks left, and I pause to consider them. These are different, I can't just callously destroy them like the rest of it. I take a shuddering breath and wipe the tears I don't remember crying away.

Stop being a baby. This is what you wanted, remember?

I nod and delicately pick the books up, placing them carefully in my bag over top the pills. I look back at the box containing the destroyed remains of my life. A numb feeling settles in my bones, and I place everything on the floor as I strip the bed. I fold the fabric as best I can and place the sheets beside the box, since there isn't any room for them inside.

The last thing I do is pull out my phone, with its All-Might themed case, and my All-Might wallet. I pull my ID and my train pass out of my wallet, and toss both it and my phone inside the box as well. I'm not going to need those where I'm going.

With everything taken care of, I pick up my backpack and head out and into the kitchen. I grab a couple bottles of water, and after a moment of thought, I also grab a lighter that mum keeps for the cigarettes she occasionally smokes, and stuff it all in my bag. I zip it up and heft it onto my back, finally heading for the door.

I pause on the threshold, and turn back to look at the house one more time. I take another deep breath, and close the door, locking it behind me and sliding the key underneath the door. I'm not going to need that anymore either. I stand back up and turn to go.

"I'm heading out.(2)"

I step out of the station and head to the park Kacchan and I used to play in during the summer, the one Kacchan always said had the best bugs to catch. I quickly go down one of the trails and head into the forest. After an hour or so of wandering, I veer off the path and start looking for a secluded spot. I don't really want to be found, so I need to go as far in as possible.

I settle near a stream, and sit underneath a large tree that's nearby. It's a really beautiful day. The air is rather cool in the shade of the trees, and the wind is rustling the leaves pleasantly. I can't even hear the cars out here, its nice.

After enjoying the quiet for a few moments, I pull my bag over to me and lay everything out in front of my crossed legs. I look over everything and pause to consider my notebooks again. I pick up one at random and flip though it, absently taking in all of the messy drawings and cramped writing. I think I'm ready now.

I drop the book back onto the pile, and pick up the pill bottles. I shake several of each out into my palm, and pop them into my mouth. I try not to gag at the sticky and dry feeling they leave on my tongue, as I swallow them down with half a bottle of water. I then pick up my very first hero notebook as well as the lighter.

It takes a bit to get the paper to burn properly, but once it does, I start doing the same thing with the others. Around the sixth book, I swallow some more pills for good measure, and throw the rest of the books on the smoldering pile. The only one I don't immediately throw on the small burning pile is the most recent one, the one that Kacchan ruined. The one All-Might signed after he saved me.

I stare blankly at the signature that I was so excited to receive yesterday. I don't feel anything looking at it now, it's strange. I don't feel happy or sad looking at it, even though it represents everything I ever wanted, as well as the moment I got all my dreams shoved back in my face. Maybe that's for the best. It's too late for regrets anyway.

Soon after I close it and add it to the pile, I start to feel something strange. It's a bit hard to describe, or to think for that matter, but I feel all floaty. I feel a silly grin crawl over my face as I start to giggle. I think I might be high. I guess that means the pills have finally kicked in. I flop over on my side, one of the roots of the tree digging into my numbing face.

I just float for awhile, before the feeling changes when it gets harder to breathe. I weakly try to tug at the collar of my shirt, trying to get more air into my lungs. I don't feel so good anymore. My pants turn into strangled gasps as my throat constricts. My eyes widen in muted panic and dart around, trying to find my bag.

I don't want to do this anymore. I changed my mind! Oh, god, it hurts! I start to cough and I desperately try to call out, but no intelligible noise comes out. Where's my phone? I'm scared. I- I want mum. Oh god, why did I leave my phone at home!?

My vision begins to go fuzzy, and I start to feel an intense pressure in my skull as I fight for air. My blood sounds impossibly loud in my ears as I roll onto my back, and stare up at the canopy of leaves. I weakly claw at my throat, chest, the ground, anything to try and get the feeling to go away. Spots dance across my vision as the darkness spreads, and I slowly lose all feeling in my limbs. My body goes lax as my breathing gets fainter and fainter.

Mum, I'm sorry.

(1) Japan has really strict gun laws. so, while civilians can own certain guns, it's really difficult to do legally.

(2) it's usually customary to say a greeting or farewell when entering or exiting in Japan.