RoAd TrIp!
A FF8 Fan Fic
By QuistisChick

Chapter One - The Break Down

(This one takes place . . . well, it just sort of happens. Confused? Yeah, me too!)

God, my butt hurts. Really hurts. Like alot. Does yours? Rinoa? Hello! I'm talking to you. How rude. She should be responding. Gasp! What if she's ignoring me becasue she doesn't like me? But, that can't be right. Hmm. Hello! Rinoa! Listen to me! MY FRIKIN' BUTT HURTS!!!!!!!!! RINOA!

"Squall, for the kuh-zillionith time, you have to say something for me to understand you. I can't read minds, you know," Rinoa said, rolling down her window. The six heroes had been in the car for three weeks. After a suggestion by Zell, ("Hey guys! Let's take a road trip! We'll get to know each other better!") and after he piad them all, they decided to take a road trip to, well, that was the problem. There was no destination. Just driving. And driving. And driving. Till the cows came home. And the cows had indeed come home, but they continued along anyhow. Miles away from civilization, they were low on money, gas, food, water, and indeed, everyone's butt hurt.

"So like, does anyone else have to pee?" Irvine asked. There was a breif silence before the others responded.

"Oh yes! REAL bad!" Selphie whined.

"My bladders gonna explode!" Zell complained.

"I don't even have enough room to cross my legs," Quistis said, squirming.

"If we pass one more lake, I'm gonna loose it," Rinoa grumbled. Squall just nodded and continued driving. There was another long silence.

"Dude, Squall, pull over! I'll go in a bush! This is TORTURE! My bladder can only hold so much! MAN, PLEEEEEEEEEEASE!" Zell practically screamed. Squall rolled his eyes.

"There are no bushes. We hit desert five minutes ago. Use the Burger King cup back there if you're that desperate," Squall replied sarcastically. About three seconds later, Quistis let out a scream and the sound of running water filled the car. Zell sighed in releif.

"OH THAT IS JUST SICK!" Quistis yelped, covering her eyes. Zell leaned over and set the cup on the floor. Irvine, who didn't noticed what happened, picked it up.

"Hey, cool! No one drank their Mountian Dew from Burger King," and with that, he gulped down the 'dew'. Selphie stucked her head out of the window and vomited.

"What?" Irvine asked. There was another silence, and then Zell started up again.

"Dude, Squall, I don't think we have a cup big enough to hold what I need to do next! My colon's gonna explo-"

"EW! I get the picture, unfortunitly. Um, oh look! A friendly merchant!"

Squall pulled the mini-van (it was the only thing that could hold them all) over to the side of the street. There was a broken-down, ugly, ransacked shack with a man who looked like he could easily kill you along the side. Squall parked, and Rinoa gave him a frightened look.

"Friendly merchant? Squall! The guy looks like he's gonna - oh god!!!!!!!!! He's coming over here!"

Surely enough, the man was making his way over to the van. Even Squall had to admitt he was creepy.

Standing almost a disgusting six feet, (that was how tall he was bent over with a hump) his gray facial hair with bits of food and god-only-knows what else reached the ground. Missing teeth, he secreted a smell most humans only thought only dead pigs could. He was bald, un-naturally skinny, and had beady little black eyes. His clothes were tattered and he was leering at Rinoa. She grabbed Squall's shoulders and sheilded herself from it's gaze.

Squall pulled the top of his shirt up to cover his nose, and said, "Hello, sir. Um, do you have a bathroom?" And he added silently, I doubt that though, or else I think youd've showered by now. The man weezed out a laugh. He pointed a super long and bony finger to an outhouse. What appeared to be a dead cow was laying in front. At least Squall hoped it was a dead cow.

"Over there," it cakled. Squall looked back at Zell. His friend was frantically shaking his head, then reached down and started breathing into an empty Doritos bag. Quistis looked rather green, Irvine was turning several shades of green as well, and Selphie was burying her head in Irvine's shoulder. The fumes were creeping into the van, and the Doritos bag disetigrated from the smell.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir. Our friend suddenly realized he didn't have to go. He was just mistaking it for . . .for a kidney stone." Quistis gently kicked Zell's leg and he started to make disturbing noises.

The man shrugged, and some lice jumped of him and onto the dashboard. Squall leaned back in hopes it wouldn't nest in his hair. The man walked away. They all breathed a sigh of releif, then immediatly covered their mouths as the smell got to them.

Squall hurridly started the van. It got ten feet before breaking down.

"Dear god no. Not here. No . . . " Rinoa said. All of them turned back to see the man walking up.

"Squall! Just get out and run! Run! Run! RUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!" Irvine pleaded.

But it was too late.

The man was there.

"I reckon you be needen a place to stay fer the night? Uh heh heh heh," The man said. Squall relutantly opened the van door. Stepping out, he felt something jump on him from behind. Rinoa had lunged and attached herself to his back. Her cat-like claws dug into his arm, and she wispered,

"If he so much as lays a bony finger on me, I will personally come and kill you in your sleep Squall. Be afraid. Be VERY afriad."

Chapter Two - The Shack

Having absolutly no other options, they had to stay in the shack. It was a small, uncomfotable, dirty little thing. The carpeting -oh wait, what crapeting? It was a drit floor. Dead animal skins hung from the rafters. When Irvine questioned why, the reply was simply - "It be a decoration, sonny. Gotta keep the place nice."

Several badgers had been locked in cages along the right wall. A beat up, old, green, plaid couch followed. Rikity stairs led up to a second floor. Breeder moths were stuck to the ceiling, protecting egg sacks. Along the other wall, a TV with two tin-foil anntenas blasted out old re-runs of 'Dukes Of Hazzards'. Dust lined the walls. An alligator head was mounted above a firplace, which was full of cob webs and spiders.

Squall, who's earleir attepmts to pry Rinoa off had failed, covered his mouth. Zell worked up enough courage to try and pet a badger, but immediatly pulled his hand hand back when it hissed, foam filtering out of it's mouth. Irvine took two steps into the house, and turned back outside, trying to escape. Selphie and Quistis moved in a huddled mass, and pulled him in before he could escape.

"Rooms upstairs. Go make yer selves at home." Zell knew that one was impossible. First off, he was used to carpet . . .

"Can anyone really live in here?" Rinoa wondered aloud as Sqaull crawled up the stairs. The extra weight was to much to carry. When he got upstairs, he almost fell over again.
Their 'room' was a massive thing, complete with three beds. They were covered in women's clothes. Squall was about to question, but was interrupted by a yell from downstairs.

"Woo doggy! Aren't you a handsome feller?! Are you married? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm?" a whiny, high-pitched voice (think Fran Gresner) rang out. Squall heard Irvine scream, then a massive "thud". He flopped Rinoa off and ran down the stairs. A massive flood of a girl was spread out over the floor.

Squall could make out a tiny bit of Irvine under the mass. The whale atop of his friend was trying to get up, crushing him. The girls tried to help him up.

"God, I can't breathe! #$%@&!" A muffled yelp rang out as the elephant-girl stood. She had on far too tight Capri pants, a tube top, and black sandals on. Her hair was sticking up worse than Zell's, and she had beedy black eyes. Squall immediatly assumed she was related to the old man.

"Roseanne, geet of our geests," the humped man said, hobbling over to the obese girl. She began drooling.

"But he's looks so yummy! What's yer name feller?" Irvine quivered with fear.

"Um, I'm . . . Pepper! Dr. Pepper!" The girl squeled and jumped up and down, knocking Quistis and Selphie to the ground. Irvine sweatdropped.

"He's a good catch pa! A real doctor! I want that one!" she extended a fat finger in Irvine's direction. He backed away into another girl.

This one had long blond hair in pigtails, cut-offs, and a tank top. She was a tad too skinny, and had on work boots. She would have been rather attractive except for her buck teeth. Irvine looked ready to cry as she fluttered her eyelashes at him.

"But pa! I want 'em!" She was about to grab him when she saw Zell. "Ooo no! That one! Uh huh huh huh!" She ran up to him. Another voice rang out.

"Me too I want one. I want another husband pa! Six jus' ain't enough!" This one looked like Rinoa's twin, only she had ratty hair and was much plumper. Squall had to blink several times to clear his head.

"Gurls gurls! Enough for yuh all! Three uh you, three of dem!" The old man said, spit flying out of his gaps.

Chapter Three - The Wedding

"Zell. If I live through this, I'm going to kill you. Literally. Kill you. Hear me?! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US?! God, I could just . . . ugh!" Squall paced the upstairs room. Irvine was spaced out, and Zell was punching air.

"ME?! Does 'Oh, a kind merchant!' ring a bell Squall! Merchant? What the hell?! Are you insane?!" he said, coming to his defense. Irvine said nothing, and Squall continued pacing. They had been locked in this room for an hour and the tesion was so thick you cut a gunblade through it.

It was the tenth argument of it's kind. They had no idea where the girls were, let alone what was going to happen next. After another argument, the old man opened the door.

"Well, it's hitchin time!" the hunched over creature announced. Squall was ready to pounce on him and strgngle him, but didn't really want to touch it . . . The old man cackled as he headed down stairs. Squall shook his head and followed him out. Zell followed, and Irvine still didn't move.

"Well, now that we're down here, I might as well clear up a few things. First, ye *will* marry my daughters, and ye *will* love them, make me self clear? If not, dem girls gonna git it!" the old man threatened.

"What'd you do with Rinoa?!" Squall exclaimed, ignoring his warning and started to summon Shiva.

Before the old man could react, the floor was covered with ice. A large chunk uprooted, and the GF Shiva was there in all her glory. Only, this time, when she burst out, she just stood there, and frowned. Since Squall and Zell had dissapered during the summoning, Irvine pulled himself of the bed and headed down.

"The heck?" he asked, when he saw the old man hiding under a box and Shiva sitting there, sighing. He took his hat off and scrathced his head, looking at the giant GF.

"Um, what the hey is goin' on?" he asked, more concerned that the GF wasn't attacking rather than that his wedding was in moments.

"Oh, Ifrit and I had a fight! It was, it was," she trailed off, crying. The tears were as big as Irvine's head. He put his hat back on and backed up.

"Damn hussie! That Siren . . . she stole my man from me. I knew she was jealous, but gosh! Wahhhhhhhhhhh!" her whining shook the house's weak foundation. Irvine balanced himself and made his way over the ice chunks on the floor.

"Well, in my experience with woman," he said, slipping on the ice and falling on his butt. "Oh ouch. Anyhow, a good way for a guy to like you is when yo already have a boyfriend-"

"But I don't! Ah ah wahhhhhhh!" she sadi, and the old man shivered.

"Welp, now I ain't no expert on GF love, but I know Diablos has a thing for Siren, so if you two hookup, Siren and Ifrit'll be jealous, and you'll get your man back, and Diablos'll get Siren. Get it?" he siad, pulling himself to his feet.

"Y-yeah. Do you think it'll work?" she asked, thinking.

"Oh yeah. Me an' this girl Cher had a thing like this back in Galbadia."

"Welp, thank you! I think I'll try that!" she said, and dissapeard. Squall and Zell reappered.

"What took so long?" Zell demanded.

"Nothin', just a little love problem."

**********

"Ah! It's getting closer! Make it go awaaaaaaaaay!!!!" Rinoa screeched. Quistis stood in a fighting stance, a stick in hand.

After Squall and the guys were taken to the upstairs room, the girls were escorted to the backyard. There was a giant cage around a small swamp. they were put in it and were mad for a while. Then the one-eyed aligater came out. The thing was massive. Titanic. Rinoa was having a nervous breakdown, Selphie was screaming franticaly, and Quistis was trying to keep her cool.

She jabbed menacingly at the giant creature, and it bit at her. She screeched and backed up. Now all three of them were up agaisnt the cage wall.

Quistis looked around. There were vines and moss growing on the roof of the cage. A large rock protruted from the swamp's water, and there was a broken-up, old fashioned, push wheellawn mower by the cage's wall.

Quistis interrupted Selphie's scream by saying, "I know how to get out of here!"

Chapter Four - Indiana Quisty

(There's a tiny spoiler ahead, about Laguna, so if you don't want to know, don't go on! I included a chapter summary at the end for those of you who wanna skip it!)

"So, now what, Squall?" Irvine asked as the three sneaked out the door. Squall cranned his neck past the door frame and saw the three girls across the swamp, in the giant cage.

"Hey look, it's- oh nooooooooooooooooo! Not now!" he said, falling to his knees. He grabbed his head and Zell dropped next to him.

"Aw man, this always interrupts important stu-" Zell started, but fell asleep. Irvine was left with two options: One, he rescuses the girls and leaves the boys to the sisters, and two, he stays there until they-

Irvine ran off.

Doooooo Doooo Dooooooooooflashbackstuffooooooooooo. . . .

"You're a pretty good reader, Ellone!" Laguna praised the little girl, who was reading her favorite story about farm animals out loud. She nodded and looked up at him.

"So yoo're proud of me, Uncle Laguna?" she asked. He nodded, and she smiled. She picked the book up and walked over to him. "Will yoo read the rest?"

"You were doing a good job, but if you want me to I will," he said, taking the book. She plopped down on the floor by his feet.

"And then the horse said, 'nay'. The horse likes to run. He is very fast," Laguna read. He flipped the page. "And the pig says . . . hey Ellone, what noise does a pig make?"

"It says 'oink'!" she said. He nodded.

"Good! The pig's best friend is the lamb. It says-"

"Bah!" she giggled. Laguna nodded.

"Right again. Hey, what noise does the frog make?" he asked.

"I know! He goes, 'bud-weis-er'!" she giggled agian, and Laguna shook his head.

"Don't let Raine hear you say that one!" he said.

"She doesn't have to let me, I already did!" Raine said, standing in the door frame to Laguna's room, surprising them. "What have you been teaching her? I leave you alone for one second and this is what you tell her? Laguna, you are so-"

Oh boy, she's going off one one her irrelevant tangents again, he thought. When she was done, Ellone had to go downstairs while Raine gave Laguna a more fowl tounge lashing. So Laguna was left alone . . . with Raine. He looked around the room, averting any eye contact with her. She did the 'I'm sighing now and here's your chance to say something or else we'll be in an akward silence' move. He cleared his throat.

"Ahem, so uh . . . nice weather we've been having, huh?"

"It's twenty below with the wind chill and the streets are iced over."

"Well, it's great weather if you're a penguin. If you were a pengiun you'd consider this weather to be the bee's keys."

"Um, I think you mean the 'bee's knees'."

"Right. You know what I meant." The silence reappeared. And he suddenly became very interested in his shoes. Wow, he thought. I have really tiny feet. I wonder if it's natural to have feet this small. For a guy, I mean. Wait, who am I talking too?

"I have small feet!" he exclaimed, and Raine's head shot up.

"What?"

Stupid head, he scolded his brain. "Um, I said I have small feet. Ya' know, for a guy and all." Raine raised an eyebrow at him. Then she laughed.

"You never cease to amaze me, Laguna. Well, I have to get Ellone to bed," she said, walking off. He looked around the room. Well, whatever that was, I think it was pretty good, he thought. I'm a genius!

. . . Dooooo doooobacktothepresentstuffdoooododododoo. . .

"Alright, ready Selphie?" Quistis asked, a slimy vine in hand. The boppy girl nodded, then gulped. Rinoa was ready too, the beat up lawnmower in hand. The aligator leered a them. Selphie gripped Quistis' waist. "Here we - aw, I'm just not inspired! This moment could be SO much more cooler than it is!"

Rinoa thought for a moment, then her eyes lit up. "This is just like out of some Indiana Jones or James Bond movie! If we pull this off, it'll be too cool!"

"Yeah, like when Luke saved Princess Leia from Jabba the Hutt's sailbarge!" Selphie added. Quistis stood ready.

"Y-you thinking what I'm thinking?" she asked hesitantly. The girls nodded.

"Okay! Let's do it!" The all took a deep breath.

". . . Bum bum bum bum! Bummmmm! Bum bum bum bum bum bum!" They broke out in a chorus of 'Star Wars' theme song. Quistis pulled back on the vine and ran forward. Both Selphie and her screamed as they lifted off the ground, swinging wildly through the air.

"Go Rinoa!" Selphie yelped, holding onto Quistis for dear life. Rinoa ran forward with the lawnmower, hitting the giant alligator square on with the blades. Quistis and Selphie landed on the rock, and threw the vine back for Rinoa.

Before it reached her, the aligator's wife poked it's head out of the murky waters, and, well, ate it.

"Gahhhhh!" Rinoa gahhed, and backed into the corner. She now had a ticked off female aligator, a now ill-tempered male aligator, and no weapon.

"Rinoa!" Quistis cried, partially fearing for her friends life and disbeilieving she was stuck on a rock in the middle of the swamp.

*****

"Finally! God I HATE the dream world!" Squall complained, standing up and shaking his head. Zell got up a moment later, and the two SeeDs looked around.

"So what's up with Laguna?" Zell asked as they headed for the big cage. Squall shrugged.

"Geez, Laguna is a MORAN! I'm gonna kill Ellone! Why is she still sending us back there? I mean, the guy is currently part of our party, practically," Squall complained. Zell laughed.

"What?" Squall demanded.

"The MORAN part. Must run in the family!" Squall slapped him upside the head as they reached the swamp.

"RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII -gasp gasp- NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOO -pant gasp- OOOAAAAAAA!!" Squall, um, 'gaspantated'. He ran up to the fence, hit it, and fell over. He got up and kept doing it.

"Dude, what are you doing?" Zell asked.

"Gotta get-" POOPMH "-into-" BANG "-OUCH! big-" BOOF "-cage and-" SLAM "-save Rinoa with-" GOINK "-critical HP!" SHAWANG!

"Aw man, that's gotta hurt. . . Selphie! NOOOO! In danger! Must save!" Irvine said, running into the fence.

"Yeesh! You guys are nutso!" Zell said, walking up to the fence and opening a gate. The girls ran out, and Rinoa scamppered over the aligators.

"This is getting ridiculous!" Squall said, pulling out an Aura. He grabbed a stcik and ran forward, flailing it madly at the fence.

"Reznokuken! Rough Divide!" he squeled, whipping the stick around menicingly. He somehow managed to flip the gate's handle up. It slowly opened.

"Ah ha! I am the victor! Come girls!" he said, raising the twig triumphantly. Rinoa tapped him on the shoulder.

"Um, Squall, we're all out," she said. His face grew emotionless. "It was a nice effort, though."

He rubbed a welt on his forehead he got from ramming the fence. "Whatever. Taken' all the fun out of it . . ." The group headed to the street, oblivious to the three sets of eyes watching them from inside the shack.

Chapter Five - Back That Thang Up

As it turned out, the little shack wasn't all that far from Deiling City. As the montly crew made their way to the metropolis, they ran into another . . . montly crew. Seifer and his posse. Squall groaned as he approached the three losers.
Seifer, Raijin, and Fujin were all wearing Jnco jeans, giant chains with dollar signs on them, and Fubu shirts. Fubu shirts.
While it was okay for Raijin to wear Fubu, Quistis shook at the sight of a white boy in it. They stood up taller as Squall's group walked past.
"Hey baby! You a big fine woman won't you back that thang up????" Seifer inquired, watching the dishelved Quistis walk by. She turned to him, hands on hips and said,
"For Us, By Us, whitey." He backed up a little, but wasn't going down without a fight. He walked in front of her, blocking any further movement. The others stopped and watched.
"You know what?" he asked, a look in his eyes making Quistis sure she didn't want to know what. He smiled, his teeth showing. They were so white from dye jobs she had to sheild her eyes.
"What?" she asked, annoyed.
"I'm still part of the disiplinary commitee. Know what that means?"
"No, what?"
"Heh heh, it means I can bust Garden students for doing bad things," he laughed a little, and Quistis rolled her eyes. Squall watched skepticaly, and the others tensed up. Seifer walked around Quistis until he was behind her.
"And you've been a bad girl, Instructor Trepe." He grabbed her hand, and put a hand cuff on it. She jerked her arm back, causing him to loose his grip on the handcuff. It flew up, then landed on his wrist, locking in place. The entire group of people looked up at Seifer. His eyes were wide.
"Um, that wasn't supposed to happen! She was supposed to be the handcuffed opne so I could take her to my -Er, HELP!" he waved his un-cuffed arm around frantically. Squall stepped up and took his arm, bending it back hard.
"First of all, idiot," Seifer squirmed and tried to get out, prompting Squall to clasp his grip tighter. "You don't do that to women, you sick pervert. Second, calm down you're whining is annoying. Third, just get the key and unlock it." He pushed Seifer for good measure, and the retard searched his pants pockets. His hand emerged a moment later with the key.
"Okay, Instructor, leeme see your hand." She held up her wrist, and Seifer tried to get the key in. It was hard, considering he was handcuffed to her, but he managed. He went to turn the key . . .
And threw it into the open manhole next to them. A C.H.U.D. let out a yelp, and angrily shook a fist at the group. Seifer laughed manically.
"Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! You're mine Instructor Trepe! Mwahah -ACK!" he muffled as Squall's hand shot out and started to cut off the air his lungs needed.
"You friking idiot! You are such a moron!" Squall went off on him, banging his head into the nearest Mail box, while Quistis stood, horrified and angry.
"DO SOMETHING," Fujin demanded. Irvine tapped his foot on the pavement.
"I think I'm gonna allow this."
After more screaming, hitting, and insults, they commotion died down. The next big thing was to get the cuffs off. They sat in the Galbadia Hotel, ponderind their next move. Twenty minutes passed while they tried to get them off in anyway possible.
"Well, we've tried cutting them, burning them, running them over, and slipping our hands out. I'm clueless to what's next,"Quistis moaned, giving Seifer a dirty look every sixteen seconds. He just sat there, seemingly content with the whole situation. To make matters worse, the Hotel's air conditioning was broken and the heat was getting unbearable.
"I am so dang hot," Squall said, and Rinoa giggled. He sure was hot. He stood and took his coat off. He was in a tight white tank top, and Rinoa's eyes would have bugged out of her head had it been possible. He stretched, his biceps flexing and his six-pack pressing through the fabric. Rinoa drooled.
"Gee Squall, um, you look good in a tank top . . . :drool drool: real good . . . ER!" she trailed off. He just sat back down.
Oh, I am SO smooth, he thought. His plan to show off his hot 'bod' had worked. Quistis sighed and Seifer farted.
"Oh jeez!" Selphie screeched, diving under the table, nose plugged. the others, one by one, began to pass out from the fumes. Quistis coughed, and finally passed out. Seifer stood up.
"Heh heh heh!" he pulled out a gas mask and put it on. "Those bean burrito's I ate did wonders, now I can do what I want to with Instructor Trepe! Mwhahah - AH GOD! It's seeping through the gas mask, :cogh cough gag cough: Eh . . ." he gathered up Quistis in his arms and ran up to one of the hotel rooms. BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMMMMM.