Fear and Loathing with Glitter and Blow

Never meet your heroes, especially if the only reason you like them is because of the sheer balls to the wall insanity they exude, but I'm getting ahead of myself. If I had known that something like this would happen, I probably would not have come to the Republic of Columbia.

Let me tell you how I got here, and ended up surrounded by piles and piles of cocaine. So much coke that you could remake Scarface at least 17 more times. Mountains of cocaine might be a bit of an understatement.

Oh, and also I was fighting a fairly unique Supervillain despite my best efforts not ever to be in this situation. Clearly my best wasn't good enough. Perhaps I should explain what lead to this insanity. Well it all started with Hot Pink spray paint and the Bat-mobile, and before you ask, yes the paint also had Glitter in it.

Tailing the Bat-mobile is very easy when you can fly. I am not sure if that's the wings helping, or is I am actually tapping into my Ki, but it's a lot easier to do than I initially thought it was. As it turns out Cell has very good vision so I can stay above the clouds to hopefully keep Batman from realizing I'm there. I don't know who he's chasing, but if I'm lucky, he's leave it somewhere giving me time to enact my nefarious deed. Oh, I think that's the Riddler he's chasing. who else would wear a lime green suit covered in question marks, I mean even my suit is black. It's a classic color.

Anyway looks like whoever was driving the Riddler sucks at his job and ran into a pole. So after a moment, everyone gets out and run for it. Some of the Riddler's goons are shooting while the Riddler high tails it. Doesn't take Batman long to literally jump out of the Batmobile and go Arkham Knight on their asses before he chases after the Riddler. If I know my Riddler, and I like to think I do, the Mr. Nigma probably has an elaborate trap for the Dark Knight, giving me plenty of time to enact my plan.

I waited for a moment, before I rapidly flew down. I was not stupid enough to touch the damn thing yet, I mean I know that Jason Todd almost stole the rims, so maybe I can actually touch the damn thing assuming that hasn't happened yet. There is a chance that my doing this could lead to Batman putting in a new feature that might Shock little Todd as he tries to steal the rims, but considering his story, I like to think I'm doing him a favor.

With my weapon in hand, I approach the Bat-mobile as calmly as I can.

I poke at it with my extend-o-arm... and nothing happened. Feeling somewhat brave, I slowly and carefully approach the Batmobile before I shake the can. The satisfactory his as the Hot Pink mist began to stain the hull made me smile as well as my face enabled me to smile.

I started at the hood and tried to move as fast as I could, otherwise I was sure to be discovered. Extending arms really helped out here, and I learned that Cell was in fact ambidextrous. Which made this go by twice as fast. I didn't need an even color, but I hoped to get the whole thing. Here Cells surprisingly potent hand eye coordination and speed made sure I wouldn't put the paint on the windows. The hood was done by now, but I knew I didn't have very long, sure some areas were less pink than others, but it would do.

I moved on hovering over the Bat-mobile as I tossed the cans to grab some fresh cans. I was rushing a bit now, but compensated by using each arm on both sides of the car. The Bat-mobile is symmetrical, and apparently my brain was able to perfectly mirror my movements with each hand, so I only needed to keep an eye on one side without looking at the other.

Thanks Dr. Gero, you truly were a great man, for a guy who removed his own brain to put it in a robot... I'm certain the reason was just and honorable.

Finally I was at the back, I was at the finish, and I knew I was running out of time, but operation Hot Pink Batmobile was nearing completion.

So close.

I'm gonna do it.

It's gonna be glorious.

Touchdown.

Admiring my work, I widen my wings and then like Team Rocket I'm blasting off again. From the safe distance of the upper troposphere, I wait. Didn't take long. While I can't make out facial features, Batman does look at the Batmobile for a moment before examining his surroundings. Surprise Batman, no one is there. I would give anything to read that mind right now, but Batman is nothing if not professional, he's probably go no real reaction for the entertainment value, but it isn't his reaction I want to see.

"On Gotham tonight, footage of a Hot Pink Glittery Bat-mobile was caught on footage soon after the Dark Knight apprehended the notorious Edward Nigma, also known as the Riddler. While it is unknown who defaced the Bat-mobile, several police officers took to Social Media. Officer Micheal O'Neil had this to say."

"Working with the G.C.P.D. you're used to crazy things happening all the time, but I got to be honest, this was the absolute last thing I ever expected to see. No clues yet on who exactly caused this... Some crazy *BEEP* that's for sure."

Before the story could continue the television turned off.

"That is certainly a new one." said Sammy.

I was rather proud of myself, not only did I manage to do it, but it actually seemed to be more newsworthy than the apprehension of the Riddler.

"He actually drove the Bratz-Mobile away to. Oh I'd kill to have a picture of that. Think he'll keep the color?"

"Doubt it."

Probably a good call, and a perfect start to something beautiful. Gotham has the potential to be such a Silly place.

"Well, back to the examination."

"I'm not going to feel violated am I?"

Sammy's silence did not fill me with confidence.

Paranoia can do some strange things to you. It can make you think everyone is out to get you, or it could even force you in a situation where you dress up as a bat and punch criminals in the face. It's a great big spectrum of crazy really. Either way, in hindsight I should have realized that as great as my awesome plan was, Batman is the World'sWorld's Greatest detective, and It was only a matter of time before he came after me. I know how this goes. He's gonna Ninja out of the shadows and probably scold me or something, but what if his plan is more nefarious than that? I mean sure he can't really do anything to me, and he certainly won't kill me, but this is Batman we're talking about. What if he genetically engineers a virus to turn me Pink, or worst of all Robins egg blue!

What if he knows I know he knows? Then maybe he won't do anything, and just let my paranoia grow higher until it reaches a boiling point. It's ingenious really.

And I was not scared of that hooting owl, honest. I didn't jump to the stratosphere when I heard it. And I certainly didn't scope out the ground before landing. Everything does look clear though. One can never be too careful where Batman is involved. That Magnificent Memetic Badass Bastard that he is.

WHAT WAS THAT!

…

Oh, apparently a stray dog... My mistake... Unless...

Ace the Bat-Hound... Is that you?

...

No I don't think Ace is a hairless Pomeranian.

...

In hindsight that might just be a rat.

Alright Bats, if that is how we're gonna do this, I'll bite. I must escape this horrid place, lay low for a while. Imagine how mad it will drive him if he loses me. Yes, it is the perfect counter attack. Try and drive me mad, well we'll see who gets there first, spoiler alert, you dress up like a Bat, you are already half way there.

Next stop, the airport.

"First class ticket on the next plane out of here." I said as I slammed all my files on the desk.

One of the useful things about not actually having your own place other than a glorified mad science lab is you always have everything you need with you. Even a Passport that may or may not be lega, I really couldn't be sure. That guy behind the dumpster did look trustworthy though.

The receptionist looked at me with an odd look I couldn't quite place. Wonder if it's the green skin. However she at least has some level of professionalism and looks to her computer for a moment before turning back to me.

"Um, alright. The next plane takes off to Columbia though, are you sure um actually… you do have money right?"

Apparently she missed the cards, but no matter, I shall enlighten you receptionist whose name I do not know... No I will not look at your nametag, that would be cheating.

"Have you seen my suit, it's custom made. Of course I have money. You think I stole a suit that was designed to fit with this tail?."

"I, um. I suppose that makes sense."

Yes, don't ask any questions. Less of a trail for Batman to follow.

"Glad we agree, one ticket please."

My plan was coming together. I shall prevail over you Batman, I swear it.

There are all sorts of nooks and crannies in Columbia where even the greenest of Bio-Androids can hide to avoid a Bat Scolding. Like the Amazon to the south. Squatting in the muck next to a very angry Jaguar who I have taken to calling Jerry. Jerry was of the friendly sort, almost immediately after eating my decapitated head (Yay for Regeneration) he no longer seemed keen on my taste. My own theory was that whole part plant thing.

He tried to make a run for it, but extendable arms make for one hell of a leash.

It's not like I wanted to hurt the poor guy or anything, but if...When Batman came I needed something to distract him, and if there was one thing I knew about Batman, it was that his one true weakness was cats. So I felt safe for now, just me, Jerry, and that Humvee that just drove past me and Jerry's hide away muck. I turned to my feline companion. Eh, this was a boring spot anyway.

"We've been compromised Jerry, were gonna have to part ways, but I suspect Batman may be near, you keep him busy and I'll run for it."

That… was not what Jerry did. Instead he ran off the second he got the chance…Note, Jaguars are fast.

"I already miss him."

Seeing no better alternative I decided to see where that truck had come from. Oh how I wish I followed Jerry.

So as it turns out I found a Cocaine production facility. The chances of which for me was probably 100% assuming the universe is attempting to force me to be a hero or villain. There us apparently no middle ground. That or I just am the unlucky idiot who stumbled upon this operation. I'll go with option 2. So all I have to do is leave, and it will be like none of this ever…. Why are they screaming?

...

I'M GETTING SHOT AT...AGAIN! Dammit it was hard enough keeping the suit clean in the God Damn Amazon of all places, I was amazed I managed it, but now this.

Alright if that's how you wanna play, let's play. Thank god I can fly, because that means I can instantly become a Cell shaped ballistic weapon at will. There were about two dozen men, but I was bulletproof, and possibly immortal but mostly bulletproof. Which really helped out in situations like this.

Target sighted.

I slammed head first through a building for the intimidation factor before looking out the Cell shaped hole I made to oversee my possible options. However what really got to me was the way they all lowered there weapons and adopt an expression I can only describe as Scared. Of course what I failed to realize until a few of them began backing away was I was not the only one here in this house, and whoever was in here was someone these men feared, fo my guess is it's probably the Leader of this little operation, and not a moment later did I gaze upon who it was in charge… and when the bells in my head rang with recognition. Well I was too shocked to do much of anything at all but stare.

"YOU, BUG MAN, WHY DO YOU INTERRUPT MY PRAYERS!"

It couldn't be…

There was absolutely no way that HE was here. Out of all people in existence in DC Comics, I run into the only person who could give the Joker a run for his money in the crazy department, granted for entirely different reasons, but still.

"Ummm… are you Snowf..."

The crazy bastard interrupted me, which only seemed to confirm my suspicions.

"ENOUGH OF YOUR PRATTLE! NONE CAN WITHSTAND THE WHITE HOT EXTACY OF MY GOD, COCAINE. YOU NOW FACE THE WRATH OF HIS LORDS MOST LOYAL ACOLYTE, SNOWFLAME!"

Yep… it was him.

Snowflame's body burned with white and blue fire as he stared me down. I also think he was jogging in place as he screamed his drug fueled sermon. Good old Snowflame, an interesting character in DC Comics history. Guy is balls to the wall let me tell you. His whole shtick was his powers were, quite literally, fueled by cocaine. Which he also worships. Had I known he was the guy behind this whole fiasco, I probably wouldn't have bothered. I had a feeling things were about to get turned up to 11 real fast.

"WITNESS TRUE POWER! IT BURNS WITHIN MY VEINS AND SOON SHALL IT BURN IN YOURS!"

I should probably note that Snowflame was holding a double-handful of cocaine and immediately began to snort all of it on the spot, then he face planted into one of the cocaine mountains and snorted that up to.

It was mesmerizing really.

It was like he was some kind of human vacuum cleaner. The scene was just so god damn surreal that I didn't know how to react. He had to have snorted double his bodyweight in that shit, he was more cocaine now than man. As soon as the last bit of blow disappeared up his nose, Snowflame exploded. I had to shield my eyes for a moment as he transformed into what I could only describe as a white/blue colored version of the Human Torch if he was coked out of his mind.

"Um..."

And then Snowflame punched me in the face...

Things went downhill after that VERY quickly.

You see I learned Three things at that moment that I either had forgotten about Snowflame, or had not known previously.

1st, Anyone Snowflame touches gets a contact high that is roughly proportional to however high he is.

2nd, Snowflame was so very, unnaturally, dangerously, absurdly, and completely fucking high that he shot out past pluto and was dangerously close to hitting Alpha Centauri at Light Speed.

And 3rd, Cell and Cocaine go together like Ketchup and Used Gym Socks.

I'm not gonna lie to you. This is gonna get kinda weird.

"KAMEHAMEHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Bright lights are pretty.

"YOUR PITIFUL INSECTOID ENERGY ATTACKS CAN DO NOTHING TO ME, MY BODY BURNS WITH A FAR GREATER POWER! SNOWFLAME COMMANDS YOU TO DIE!"

Why are pretty lights hot? Why? I wanna Hug the lights! Oh lights are fire. Can't hug fire. Am sad now.

OH SHIT FIRE!

"EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE! YOU'RE ON FIRE! AM I ON FIRE!"

Fire? Forget the fire. We have more important things to deal with. Why. Can. I. See. My. Own. Atoms. My fingers have fingers have fingers have fingers!

"BURN INSECT! FOR THEN—THERE WAS NEW WHITE LIGHT! I AM THE HUMAN INSTRUMENT OF THAT LIGHT! AND IT DEMANDS YOUR HEAD"

"BITE MY EMERALD GREEN ASS CRACKHEAD-MAN!"

No, Captain Crackhead-Man. King of Crack. Is it wack? Or is Wack Crack?

Jerry… is that you? Have you come for another head?

"YOU! DARE! HAVE AT THEE HERETIC, PREPARE FOR DEATH! PREPARE FOR EXHILARATED BLISS-FIRE!"

"JERRY HELP, MY SOUL IS MADE OF SQUIRMING AND EVERYTHING TASTES OF RAINBOWS!"

Where is my Jerry? Is Jerry an anything? Am I an anything? Or am I an everything?

"THROUGH THE POWER OF COCAINE I GIVE WILL YOU ONLY DEATH. YOU LIFE WILL FALL LIKE COCAINE THROUGH UNWORTHY FINGERS! MAY DEATH ABSOLVE YOU OF YOUR BLASPHEMOUS SINS BECAUSE COCAINE WILL NOT! AMEN MOTHER FUCKER! AMEN!"

"EAT THIS ONE BITCH, SOLAR FLARE!"

I am become sun, brighter of day's, dryer of rain, and the itsy bitsy spider crawled up the spout again. WE MUST BAN ALL SPOUTS BEFORE IT IS TO LATE!

"YOU CALL THAT LIGHT BLINDING!? HA YOU KNOW NOTHING OF TRUE BLINDING LIGHT INSECT! I SHALL SHOW YOU THE TRUE BLINDING LIGHTS OF AMBROSIA DUST."

"BLOW ME CAPTAIN SNOW & BLOW!"

"NO! BLOW ME YOU GREEN HERETICAL INSECT! BLOW MEEEEEEE!"

I could run a marathon right now, ALL OF THE MARATHONS! AT THE SAME TIME!

Where did my right arm go?

"YOU DARE THROW ARMS AT ME!"

Oh, there it is. Oh hey it grew back.

"YOU DARE THROW ANOTHER ARM AT ME!"

Bitch I Double Dare. Infact I triple dare.

...

I have become disarmed.

I should probably note that during me and Snowflames mutual rumble in the Jungle, the whole warehouse was either on fire, or was already destroyed. I did not find this out until later of course, I was much too… out of it to realize ot at the time. A lot of the fight was a haze of bad decisions and hammy shouting matches. Thank Kami however that Cell's unique biology was very good at clearing out toxins, even if they were induced by the touch of a coked out bat shit crazy metahuman who is… again, fueled by cocaine. When I started to regain some of my faculties Snowflame was spinning to become what I can only describe as a giant flaming cokenado.

As I heard the madman cackling, I knew there was only one real decision. Fucking Bat Scolding was better than this. Besides, the drug lab was gone and his workers were either dead or traumatized forever, a job well done if I do say so myself, and obviously I do.

This shit was just too bananas for me, so I took off, and never looked back.

It only occurred to me as I passed over Texas that in my drug fueled mania I had managed to use ki attacks.

…

Repressing half of that now….

Memories Repressed.

Not a bad first attempt if I do say so myself, but next time let's try without a telepathically induced high clauses by the mere touch of a Cocaine Demigod.

...

Repressing again.

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

So here I was back in Gotham, hiding from Batman. See now this is the nice kind of insanity I like. No mountains of cocaine and no pyrokinetic fuck nuts dudes. Just me and this tree I'm hiding in, and nothing else. I m alone. No one else is here.

"So... You must be Cell."

NINJA STANCE ACTIVATE!

Oh... It's Robin. Also Ow! Falling hurts, note to self. Do not ninja in a tree, you will fall. Knew I should have just stayed in the stratosphere.

As soon as I brush myself off I look to the kid again, and resume Ninja stance. Because I didn't fall out the tree, you're just seeing things.

"I hope that stance is supposed to be a joke or something."

"Maybe it is, and Maybe it isn't." I say as I put my fists of fury down before someone got hurt. Or incase I relapsed and hallucinated Robin was a Cocaine Monster or something.

Either way this is an unexpected tactic. This Robin is fairly young, I don't think he is here to get revenge on behalf of his sensei, so perhaps his purpose is meant to put me in a false sense of security, or maybe he is the distraction. Maybe Batman is behind me… Right . Now!

I TURN MY HEAD TO SEE AND... I'm looking back at Robin, who seems to be looking at me with a strange expression.

"Nice Exorcist Maneuver."

Apparently I can turn my head all the way around back until I face forward again, but not much further than that. I spin my head in the other direction to confirm that I can do the same going the other way.

"Huh, that's neat Full 360 neck turns." I say offhandedly as I return my head to its original position.

Not as painful as I think that should have been, but that is one hell of a flexible neck, and it still was a much better power than cocaine fueled pyrokinetic happy fun time.

"So I take it you didn't know you could do that."

"Well in my defense, I'm like... Four-ish weeks old." I count my emergence in the sewer to be my birth, DBZ Cell was only like six years old anyway. So I'm going to act my age thank you very much.

"They grow up so fast." said Robin with a shrug as he examines me somewhat.

This is a trap I know it, I'm on to you Batman.

"Is there a reason you're here?"

"Just sending you a message, Batman would very much appreciate it if you didn't do that again. Though in my opinion, that was the best day ever. Took a while to get all that paint off, and the glitter was worst."

"It always is, but fine, no more Hot Pink glitter bombs."

"Or any other color."

Damn, this kid is good. Thinking ten steps ahead, well jokes on you, invisible is not technically a color.

"Fine, no other colors either."

"Good." he said with a nod as he looked behind him. In the distance with my Cell Vision I could see the unmistakable silhouette of Batman.

So he WAS WATCHING ME! I KNEW IT!

"Gotta go, suppose I'll see you around, or not. Who knows."

With a flip and a twist, Boy Wonder was off lke a ninja in the night.

That actually went surprisingly well for me. Batman of this universe must be far more chill than I am giving him credit for. If Frank Miller were writing this I'd probably have a concave mouth that looked suspiciously like a fist.

Maybe Gotham isn't the best place for my Hijinks, Batman was never known for his sense of humor.

…

Wait.

That's it?

You mean to tell me I could have avoided Snowflame and gotten the Bat equivalent of a slap on the wrists… Not even a face to face Bat Scolding.

Ya know what…. No more random trips to Whereversville. I'm just gonna sit here and take deep calming breaths. Just close my eyes and pretend none of this ever happened, just push it all into that place deep within where memories get repressed. Nice and calm thoughts.

See, I already feel better.

...

Why am I glowing?