A Cell of a Good Time
You know. It isn't often you wake up somewhere unrecognizable from where you went to sleep. At least I assume it is not where I want to sleep. Hard to tell cause it's really dark in here. Also wet, like I'm in a big water balloon. Only... Not water. You can't breathe water unless you're a fish. God I hope I'm not a fish. Oh, some light... Kinda. Whatever these walls are that is holding this water not-water is brown and full of veins. I can make out light coming through, and I see shadows moving on the other side.
"What the hell are you supposed to be." Said some gruff unrecognizable voice.
Is this guy talking about me. I feel like he's talking about me. So... Cocoon huh. Well that raises a lot of questions... Oh also WHY IS MY ARM GREEN! I didn't really notice at first, but with that little bit of light coming through I can tell that my arm is green. Actually... There is something vaguely familiar about this arm. Like I've seen it before. My arm is covered in an emerald green and lime green exoskeleton with these little irregularly shaped black spots. Also claws. Observing more of my alien form. I can make out five fingers on each hand and three toes on each foot.
Oh... Hi there Mr. Tail. Ok. So there is a tail coming out of my back. Not my pelvis.
...
Wait.
I have a Theory.
It's a bit awkward moving my arm to my head, but as soon as my hand make contact with the horns I know exactly what, or rather who I am.
Holy shit I'm Cell.
Dragon Ball Z Cell.
Imperfect Cell to be precise. No lips. That's gonna be awkward to deal with. I'm guessing I'm stuck in a cocoon or I'm in some kinda exoskeleton I'm shedding from. Kinda weird mister gruff out there hasn't done anything about the blatant bug monster yet, then again Dragonball had dragons, dinosaurs, aliens, demons, and talking animals all over the goddamn place. Maybe this is just another Tuesday.
So whatever.
I can hear the sound of creaking as I struggled to pop out of this damn thing. It's surprisingly durable, but this slit in the back is making it a bit easier. The breathable liquid, which I know now is some kinda amniotic fluid, spills to the floor, pooling around as my Wings are the first thing to make it out. Are those wings? I think it's just a shell to protect wings. Like the kind you see on beetles. Either way my tail comes out next. Cold out there that's for sure. I start rising, head, torso, arms... You know, the essentials. Standing straight up I leap until I'm standing straight on top of the cocoon. Everything is blurry, but I was never one to let opportunity pass me by.
"Mazel tov, Its a boy!"
"What. The. Actual. Fuck... Are you supposed to be."
Through my blurry vision, I can barely make out shapes in front of me. Hard to tell who it is but that was second in my mind. For some reason, something else took my attention...
"Why the hell do I sound like Plankton with a head cold?"
"No that was a serious question, what the hell are you?"
"Name's Cell. Hey quick question, do I kinda sound like a sick Plankton from Spongebob to you?"
"Well... Now that you mention it."
My vision begins to clear, and what I see before me. Oh God The Smell... Just. Why? Oh God I'm in a sewer! Also, Hi Crocodile Man. Can't recall any crocodile people in DBZ. Then again, this is the universe with the talking pig.
"You have me at a disadvantage here."
The crocodile man eyed me cautiously, before crossing his arms.
"Call me Killer Croc."
...
has crashed.
Rebooting.
Reboot complete.
How in the name of all things sane does that make any sense at all. What, was being fricken Cell not stupid enough, I couldn't even be in DBZ. I guess that would just make too much sense. I guess I can't blame anyone but myself, I mean I'm only just fucking Cell, why Would I be in DBZ. So... DC universe. Doesn't exactly narrow down where I am all that much. I mean... How many DC continuities are there... Like a few hundred. Probably can rule out the Super Friends... Probably Adam West Batman to... Which really is a shame... The camp alone would have been worth the price of admission.
Whatever. I woke up as Cell, in DC universe for some reason, I have a lot of questions, but I have the strangest feeling I won't get any satisfactory answers beyond, just because. In that case I ain't losing any sleep over it, might as well make the best of it.
"So... Killer Croc eh." I said as I fully emerged from my cocoon... shed skin... Thingy.
"That's what I said. So, why are you on my turf?"
"Can't say for sure to be honest with ya. Metamorphosis apparently."
Croc hissed a bit. Didn't sound like a threatening hiss. I think it's like how some people hum in confusion or acknowledgment. Only he probably doesn't have the right vocals to hum.
"Normally, anyone else I find down here would have been eaten by now. What are you supposed to be anyway? An alien?"
"Kinda. Genetic Bio-weapon made with the DNA from Humans, Space Monkeys, Demonic Alien Slugs, and... Umm... alien space Nazis who seem to have a fetish for naming themselves after refrigerators."
Croc nodded.
"Mad Science experiment gone horribly wrong. Got it."
" I'd like to think it went Horribly right."
Croc hissed out... Barked out... Croc whatever outed a laugh.
"You obviously haven't looked in a mirror yet."
"Hi Pot, I'm Kettle, you're black."
"Bitch I'm beautiful."
Eh, I'm the wrong character for this quote, but fuck it.
"Bitch, I'm adorable."
Cros smiled. I did not like seeing Crocs smile.
"You're alright."
Croc stalked over to the side as he took a seat next to a pile of people bones.
"You can stay for as long as you need, just don't get in my way, and we'll be the best of friends. Got it."
I waved the crocodile man ofd.
"Clear as Crystal."
With that out of the way...
Huh, just realized I don't really have anything to do at the moment. Hmmm, decisions, decisions.
I'm currently Imperfect Cell stuck in the DC universe. This is a chance at a clean slate. U could do anything I wanted really. So long as no Superman tier dudes are around I should be alright, if not I have OP Namekian regeneration. As far as I could tell I'm stuck here, so might as well make the best of it.
Should I be a superhero?
... Nah, this is DC. They're covered with superheroes.
Maybe a supervillain...
...no, sounds just as bad an idea. It doesn't really ever end well for Supervillains in Comic Books.
What to do, what to do?
I sat on the cold wet floor legs and arms crossed, six feet away from a cannibalistic crocodile man eating someones arm.
Interesting first day I suppose. Though... Is it cannibalism? I think it could go either way.
I don't think this is the DCEU, Croc didn't have a tail in Suicide Squad.
"Hey Croc, we're in Gotham right?"
"Last time I checked."
"I'm gonna go up top."
"What? Really? But... It's Noon."
"Oh good, then the Library should still be open. Gonna go do some research. Catch ya later Croc."
And with that I was moving on up.
This really is amusing. Sure, I made a scene, not intentionally mind you, but still. Scenes were made. Apparently my lovely visage is so amazingly striking, people just randomly run in terror.
Get on my level Ke$ha, The party always stops when I walk in. Even you couldn't start it up again.
Still, I need someone's help, no idea where the Library is, and I'm gonna need internet to figure it out. Most people are far to busy avoiding me or shuffling off or screaming in terror to answer my question...
Oh sleeping homeless guy, score.
Crouching down I grab the guys shoulders and shake him awake.
"Wakey wakey."
"Huh. What. Who... WHAT THE HELL!"
The guy stares at me in fear, and tries to crawl away from me. It was at this time I learned something new about Cell. As the guy moved away closer to the wall, I stayed exactly where I was, but my arms went along for a ride. Cool, I have stretchy arms. I guess that makes sense, Namekians could do that when the animation budget could afford it. As awesome as I found this new discovery, Mr. Homeless found this discovery to be utterly terrifying. Again with the screaming. After letting go of the guy, my arms return to their normal length. As interesting as that all was, it didn't really last all that long. Not a few seconds later, I was surrounded by flashing lights and the long arm of the law.
"Ummm..."
Before I even had a chance to say anything, shit got loud.
"WHO OR WHATEVER YOU ARE STAND DOWN NOW!"
"OW MY EAR HOLES!" I scream as I cover the aforementioned ear holes.
I mean really is the megaphone really necessary...I mean I wasn't doing anything. At least, nothing but looking like a scary bug man. Not the best situation to be in, that said I suppose this is a preemptive strike against alien insanity or something.
"On what charges!"
I don't think they expected that. Even through the lights I could see the cops exchanging looks.
Whoever it was with the megaphone seemed confused about what to say. I guess this is usually the part where the monster starts tossing cars. Well happy to disappoint.
"OW NOISE!"
Stupid Namekian super hearing.
"YOU ARE UNDER FOR PUBLIC NUDITY!"
...
"BUT... BUT I DON'T EVEN HAVE JUNK!"
"NUDITY IS STILL NUDITY!"
I have discovered my arch nemesis, and his name is megaphone. That said... I can't argue with that logic, I mean I technically am naked. Normally I guess this is where I run off, but screw that noise. Lets see how far they're willing to take this. Much potential LULZ this way.
"Well shit, ya got me coppers. You have put an end to the reign of terror caused by the great and powerful Emerald Streaker!" I say as I raise my hands.
Nothing happens for a moment. Just me surrounded by cops. Arms in the air like an asshole. Then, one of the pigs cautiously walks towards me, hand on his grip. I watch him approach and don't move a muscle. He pulls out a pair of cuffs. Looking at them, then back to me, and back at the cuffs, and back to me. Sadly your cuffs are not me but if you used Illegal Genetic Experimentation...
"Um, please put your arms out... Uh... Sir?"
"Sir is fine." I say as I present my arms.
By the look on his face, I can already tell this is gonna be a fun day.
"Look, it's not a complicated question, are you an alien or not."
"I ain't tellin you shit, I want my lawyer?"
"This is getting us nowhere, all we need to know is if you are an alien, you aren't in the system. So either you're a new species alien or a new meta."
"Oh, why didn't you say so, well to answer your question I want a lawyer."
With a rage filled groan, detective Harvey Bullock walked out of the interrogation room.
Suck it asshole, that's for giving Commissioner Gordon a heart attack... Assuming that happened here. Actually given that nature of comic book reboots, he could be anything from a gruff and abrasive detective with a heart of gold to a gruff and abrasive detective with a heart of doughnuts. Sometimes crooked, most times loyal. Doesn't matter really, I know my rights. Still, arrested for public nudity is probably something new for them. Might have to fix that in the future. I wonder how many officers are on the other side of that two way mirror?
"Nothing matches in the database, no known aliens or metahumans. He complied with officers, and asking for a lawyer is within his rights. All in all probably the most pleasant I've ever seen a... Whatever he is." Said Gordon as he watched the Bug Man drum his fingers on the desk.
"My money's on alien." Said Harvey Bullock as he put a cigar to his mouth.
Gordon looked to him before he could light it with a raised brow. Harvey sighed.
"I miss the good old days." Said Harvey longingly as he put the cigar back in His coat.
"Regardless, assuming alien, then other than point him to the official offices, we really can't do much."
"Think NASA might be willing to deport him into orbit?"
"Pretty sure that's murder Harvey."
With a sigh Harvey nodded.
"So... I guess we wait for a lawyer to get here?"
"Pretty much, c'mon, let's get a cup. Something tells me today is gonna be one of those days."
"Amnesia is fairly common these days, so we have a system in place to deal with it. Sorry you had to spend the night in a jail cell. Now, I'm not saying you'll get citizenship, but you'll be on the record, other than that, you should all be set. I can drive you to the office if you want."
As far as lawyers go, this guy was alright. I'm guessing I'm not the weirdest thing he's ever had to deal with.
"Thanks Mr. Simmons, I would appreciate it."
"No, my pleasure."
I followed Simmons to his car. It was a pleasant experience.
"I'm kinda surprised you aren't running for the hills."
"Son, I live in Gotham, I represented way worse than you. There was this meta-human kid, looked like a shaved bear with scales. Arrested for grand theft. Not important really."
"I see, so after the whole identity thing, you wouldn't happen to know a way a guy could get some cash huh?"
"It's easier for a meta, not many take it, but I know S.T.A.R. Labs pays metas to be glorified lab rats. Other than that, nah, no idea on such short time. I'm sure someone would be interested."
"I'll keep that in mind."
"You do that kid, here let me get the door for you. Watch your wings."
+++
Simmons, I decided, was one of the good ones. I walked in, and not two... Fucking... Hours later, I'm all set. Two hours probably doesn't sound like a lot, and I think they were rushing me, but still... Like DMV levels of boredom.
My Legal Name is now Cell Genome McSplice III.
Because why not. Can't even remember my old name anyway. Might as well have some fun with it. It was getting late, already dark by the time I got out. So... Where is S.T.A.R. Labs? Looking at the street aaaaand I have no idea where I am... Also... Kinda hard to keep identification without pants and their pockets to put them in... Maybe nudity really is the problem. Alright, pick a direction and walk I suppose. S.T.A.R. Labs kinda sounds familiar actually... Not sure why.
First things first. Make money, then. Get pants.
You know... It's currently night, and I'm in Gotham city... I wonder is Batman is watching me. Oh, who an I kidding, of course he is. Not like I'm trying to hide any way.
"Jaysus H. Christ!"
Aaaaand five seconds. New record for fastest freak out ever.
I look to the random civilian who was running like he saw... Well I suppose it's understandable.
"THATS RUDE YA KNOW!" I scream after the man... Wait did he just toss a joint?
"It wasn't you he was running from."
Oh that buttery smooth voice and chill running up my... Assuming I have one, Spine could only mean one thing.
Turning around, I see the Dark Knight himself staring at me... Must. Not. Squee.
"Ummmm... Hi."
Objective No Squee Status: Complete
Batman says nothing as he observes me for a moment with a nod.
I turn around to watch the rapidly retreating guy.
"So, you gonna chase that guy?"
"No."
I guess some guy with a joint is below his pay grade. Fair enough.
"Ominous. Anyway, love the costume but I'm afraid I gotta jet, you wouldn't happen to know where S.T.A.R. Labs is would you? I heard they pay."
Batman observed me cautiously. All in all... I may be a giant bug man, but damn if this guy doesn't leave an impression.
"Head down three blocks before taking a left. Keep walking until you find a university. You'll know when you get there."
"Alright thanks man."
And I just walked away... Like a boss.
I mean sure I could still feel the glare and all, and the atmosphere got dark, but I was not going to turn around.
I will not be dragged into super heroics thank you very much. After all, with great power comes great entertainment potential.
...
There is a hand on my shoulder.
Turning around, and Oh hai Batman, howz your sex life.
"What?"
"I will be watching you very carefully."
If I had an ass I probably would have shit myself by now... That said, I probably should have expected such a greeting from the most paranoid man in the world of Detective Comics… Actually I think The Question might be a bit more paranoid than Batman, but Batman is a very close second. Oh wait… I just remember something... I'm fucking Cell.
"It's because I'm green isn't it?"
Batman is not amused. At least if his narrowed eyes are anything to go by. Thankfully he lets go. I sigh a bit in relief before Batman pulls his vanishing act via Grappling hook. Wow, that was fast... How the hell doesn't he get whiplash from that?
Questions for another day I suppose. Next stop, S.T.A.R. Labs.
Young Justice, that's where I am. I mean I'm pretty sure. Like 85% sure. This newspaper reads 2010, I'm fairly certain that makes this Young Justice. Guess that means Martians are a thing. I didn't really watch much of the show, maybe two or three episodes at most. Still, at least I know where I am. Also add littering to my nefarious crimes because I don't need this Newspaper anymore.
My evil knows no bounds.
Moving on, I gotta admit, Batman was right, I really couldn't miss it.
"Scientific and Technological Advanced Research Labs, not bad, but its no Special Tactics and Rescue Service. When the zombies get here, I know who I'm trusting."
Walking up to the door I gave it a nice firm series of knocks. Shave and a haircut style of course. It really didn't take all that much time for someone to check back. Though whoever they were, were obviously cranky.
"We're closed to the public at the moment come back l..."
Oh, good he saw me.
"Hi, I hear you guys do the science and pay for it. I'm here for my check. I need to buy pants."
Whoever this guy was, just kinda stared at me. Not a 'Oh god someone kill the monster' state, more like your general state of bafflement and confusion.
"Come on in Mr..."
"Cell call me Cell."
The inside of the place was nice, advanced technology all over the place on top of the people doing, in technical terms, science to the science stuff. I passed my escort up as I thrust my new I.D. into his hands to observe my new surroundings. It looked like a nice place to get poked and prodded.
"Your... Actual name is Cell Genome McSplice the Third?"
"Yeah, did you know there are no rules for names. I couldn't resist."
"Well Mr... McSplice..."
"Please, call me Cell."
"Right, Cell. My name is Dr. Samuel Harding, Um, you do know what we do here right?"
I shrug.
"Vaguely, I understand its science and I was told I get paid. How much by the way?"
Harding shrugged lightly.
"That depends entirely on your... Unique circumstance. Though minimum you are guaranteed a thousand."
"Bitchin' when do we start Doc?"
"Well, this is after hours, but I think I can start with a physical. I wasn't leaving anytime soon anyway."
"And then money right?"
"I'm sorry, but that isn't up to me."
"But I need pants."
I could already tell this was going to be fun by Sammy's facial expression. There was something there, and he seemed to consider it.
"Normally, subjects aren't paid until testing is completed, but you are without a doubt something unique. I'll talk to someone, but you're going to have to take the physical first. Sounds good?"
With that I simply nodded.
Time really does fly when you're being stabbed with needles. Lucky me, Sammy found something so interesting that I got my money in record time, not all of it, but I did get my guaranteed grand. So that was why I was currently here. Getting my measurements from a guy who obviously was waiting for me to eat him. Which now that I think about it, I could totally do if it so interested me.
With clammy hands he measured my shoulders before I lifted my arms up. Sure I could have gotten any pair of jeans, but where was the fun in that.
Besides, I was actually arrested for public nudity, can't let that happen again.
"So how long does it usually take for a custom fit?"
The man gulped nervously.
"Yes... Well normally after measurements you can expect a basted fitting within the first 1-2 weeks, then return for a final fitting and slight adjustments 1-2 weeks after that. Overall, 2-4 weeks. And... You do intend to pay right?" He asked with a nervous tic.
"Yeah, I have a grand for ya now, the rest for after S.T.A.R. Labs pays me. How much is this going to run me anyway?"
"Your unique body shape is going to give some issues, but I can work around it. Your bill is probably going to be 2,800."
"Damn, alright, I think I'll have that."
The tailor looked at me before nodding. He seemed slightly less nervous.
"I am confident you will. That's the last of it, you may leave. Return in a week for the next fitting."
With a salute I was out the door.
+++
Dreams will be realized, awesomeness will be Harnessed.
I cup my hands together while also keeping them open, before throwing them to their sides.
"Ka-"
I can feel something within me stir.
"Me-"
It's difficult to describe really.
"Ha-"
It's not warm, not cold. But it does have a weight to it.
"Me-"
Wait... Isn't the Kamehameha strong enough to blow up moons?
"Haaaaaaa-"
...
Well...
That was disappointing.
I'm not mad, just disappointed. Looking at my hands I can't help but feel like an asshole yelling the name of the founder and first ruler of the Kingdom of Hawaii like it was some kinda magic spell…. Which it bloody well should be.
How do I shot Ki?
"It says a lot that your digestive system is the least interesting thing about you. Both your mouth and tail are connected to its own independent stomach, but you completely lack an kind of excretory system."
"Is that bad?" I ask. To be honest, it sounds bad, like I might explode level bad.
"You have an incredibly good digestive system. I would guess anything you can't digest would be vomited up. I don't think it will be a problem. Other than that, your other organs are too... Alien really. Your innards is completely symmetrical. Other than the Stomach, the only other organ I could somewhat identify is four liver analogues. Two livers are mirrored on each side of both of your stomachs."
"Huh, weird."
"It's more than just weird, It's a fairly unique approach to redundancies in the event something fails."
"And you say the digestive system is the least interesting thing about me?"
Dr. Harding nodded somewhat enthusiastically.
"Your blood was just as interesting, you seem to have nucleated red blood cells, for what function I really couldn't guess, maybe your red blood cells can take on the function of any other cell or maybe its so your red blood cells can divide. You do have a skeletal structure, but until I can analyze it further I can't be certain it plays any role in blood cell production."
I guess this is what happens when you throw a bunch of aliens into a living petri dish for the sole purpose of killing an alien monkey.
"Other than that, we did find traces of cellulose in your musculature, and your green coloring seems to be caused by chlorophyll of all things. You probably don't even need the stomachs, just some water and sunlight."
Oh, right Namekians again. Man those alien slug demons sure have some useful stuff.
"But it goes even far beyond that. I have never seen a physiology so alien in all my life, and I've studied dozens of alien species. Are you sure you used to be human?"
"What, you couldn't tell?"
"I haven't gotten your genetic tests back to be sure, but your physiology alone can only be alien. You seem to have a non-centralized nervous system... Kind of, but also kinda not. Your nervous system actually might just be more brain. Or rather its like your nerves are coated in excess neurons."
I wonder is that's how Cell was able to survive without a head and even regrow it back with his memories intact.
"Neat. Hey what about breathing? Do I have lungs? Spiracles? Do I even need to breathe?"
"Well the mere fact that you can talk points to some kind of respiratory organ, but we are very early in the analysis of your biology. For all I know, your Stomachs might double as lungs. Many of these unidentifiable organs could be analogues to human organs that are just so different in appearance that I just don't realize what they are. At this rate, the answer could be all of the above. You could have lungs and spiracles, but at the same time, you may not need oxygen in the same way that we do. You're just so alien that I couldn't yell you one way or the other, and at this point I don't want to rule anything out."
It didn't escape me the emphasis Sammy put on the word anything. I always knew Cell was bound to have the weirdest biology possible, so I think I'm taking this rather well.
"Fair enough. Umm, I know this is going to sound strange, but... Did you find any weird kinda energy…. Stuff?"
Dr. Harding looked at me strangely, it was an expression I couldn't quite put my finger on.
"That is an unusual question... Why?"
"Because reasons."
And once again, Sammy was not amused.
"I need an actual answer Cell."
I shrug. Bullshit mode activate.
"I can feel... Something... Not quite sure what it is, like this nebulous ethereal thing within me. Can't quite explain it better than that."
Translation, I wanna do Ki blasts, but I have absolutely no idea how.
I'm not bitter about it or anything. I mean it's only every kids/man child's dream to pull off a Kamehameha. It's no big deal really.
My own theory as to why I couldn't do it is the same reason Captain Ginyu couldn't do awesome Saiyan stuff after body snatching Goku. He didn't know how to use that power, but he could still fly and pull off stuff he did know.
...It only just occurred to me I never tried to fly… Something to look into later.
I, on the other hand, come from a place where Ki probably didn't exist at all. I don't know how this stuff works.
"I think we should focus on your biology first."
Still not bitter.
"Fine." I say with a sigh.
Stretchy arms do your thing.
And they're off to the races folks. Neck in neck, it's gonna be a photo finish.
...
Damn, call me the energizer bunny because I keep going, and going, and going, and g... Ok I stopped.
Sammy looks at the arms before writing something on his tablet before nodding to me. And like that they snap back.
"Your max length is just under 30 meters. With each arm lengthening at roughly 3 meters per second."
"Sweet."
"It is impressive I'll admit."
I rose a... Brow? Let's call it a brow.
"You seem distracted Sammy."
And the 'not amused' saga continues.
"Please don't call me that. But, yes. Some of your tests came back. The results were... Unexpected to say the least."
"Unexpected how exactly?"
Dr. Harding looked to me as he seemed to think about what exactly to say.
"Your protein samples contain human DNA, roughly anyway. You have eight times the genetic information of human beings, and the entire human genome is apart of it."
"What exactly do you mean by that?"
"In the simplest terms I can think of, if you took a strand of human DNA in one cell and stretched all the way out, it would be about two meters long. If we did the same to one of your cells, it would be sixteen meters long. And exactly two meters of it is the entire human genome, slightly modified, but human none the less."
"Told you I was human...ish."
Sammy sighed.
"You don't get it, you can't just make a strand longer like that. Some of our results show that your organs at least some of them, are composed of organic polymers, but are otherwise artificial. You do have genetic information, but many of them can only be artificial proteins and biomolecules, your DNA repair mechanism is basically CRISPR on steroids. You are a literal treasure trove of medical marvels. Your body contains numerous biochemical compounds that would make whoever patented them very VERY rich, analyzing your organs could lead to new kinds of artificial organs decades beyond anything we have now, and beyond that you are like the holy grail for everything from whole limb regeneration, slowed ageing, the eradication of diseases, and perhaps even immortality. With your DNA repair mechanism alone we could build new xeno nucleic acids from scratch. Whoever made you was undoubtedly a genius, mad as they come, but a genius nonetheless."
"Neat-o. So I'm a state of the art Bio-Android. Eat your heart out Arnold Schwarzenegger."
"That's a good way of putting it I suppose. You are at least partially manufactured. I don't think you quite realize just how important you really are, if any of this information got out, everyone would do anything to get a hold of you, even just a piece of you." Said Dr. Harding offhandedly.
"Neat."
It was quiet for a moment before he spoke again.
"You know, you're remarkably calm about being an artificial life form."
"Would you prefer an existential crisis and an emotionally unstable Bio-Android?"
"No. It's just... You aren't reacting like a person who woke up as a... Whatever you are."
"I'm a go with the flow kinda guy."
"Hm."
Uncomfortable Silence 2: Electric Boogaloo
"I did look into your energy question. You may actually be onto something, you do burn energy at an alarming rate, but it's not chemical energy that is expended. Which is actually a good thing, your metabolic rates are insanely high. Even with photosynthesis and a nutrient rich diet, you'd probably expel more energy than you could intake. The exact nature of this energy is inconclusive, but your body is doing something to compensate."
"Also neat."
"You really have no idea."
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to
Why don't you go where fashion sits?
"Puttin' on the ritz."
Looking back in the mirror, I gotta say that I look good for a giant green bug man.
"I'm glad you approve. The tail and wings were a challenge to work with, but I am nothing if not professional."
"Thanks Jeeves."
"Please don't call me that."
"You got it Mr. Belvedere."
"That either."
"What is your name anyway?"
"..."
Ohhh, I could hear that ellipsis.
"Edwin...Geoffrey."
OH MY SIDES!
"Ha haha hahaha hahaha... Geoffrey, really. Gotta say man that name is very...Fresh."
"Please stop."
"How is Bel-Air anyway?"
Geoffrey sighed. I guess I'm not the first person to make the joke, well it's new to me buddy, I'm gonna enjoy this.
"I'm just going to ring you up. Your down payment went through, so can keep the suit but you're gonna need to pay the rest off later."
"Thanks Geoffrey, and do give my best to Uncle Phil."
I could feel the groan.
"You look ridiculous."
"Jealous Sammy?"
"Not in the slightest."
Liar liar plants for higher.
"Look Cell, I've been talking to the higher ups, and they are very interested in keeping you around."
"How interested actually?"
"Very." Said Sammy as he handed me an envelope.
Taking it, I wasted no time in opening it and...DAMN!
"That's yours to keep. A lawyer is coming down here later to talk to you."
"So... Many... Zeros."
"More than I make in a year. And I make six figures."
"You sure this is a check? This looks like a phone number."
"If you don't want it, I'll be more than happy to take it off your hands."
I spun on my feet and walked out the door.
"Be back later, I'm going to the bank."
Gotham First National Bank is an interesting place. As soon as I calmly walked in the security guard looked me over exactly once, before asking if I was here to rob the place. Took less than a second to convince him I was there to open an account.
This must be a fun place to work.
Looking around the place, I see most people looking at me like... Well like I was a giant green Bug Man in a three piece suit. At least no one was screaming at me. Didn't take all that long to get me in an office to open up a new account. As soon as the teller saw my check, I was in the back faster than you can say Payday.
"Cell Genome McSplice III."
"I have to be honest with you Mr. Cell, that name sounds fake."
"I got to pick it." I say very pleased with myself.
"I see..."
Business stuff ensured, talking, sitting, and questions... So many questions.
It was at this time I was reminded that I now lived in a comic book universe.
As we sat there discussing my financial options, I heard the unmistakable sound of Buckshot. The agent ducked under the table like a pro. Didn't even look all that scared, just exacerbated.
Wonder if this is just a normal thing for him.
"I'm gonna go check that out. Excuse me."
And I walked out the door to see about five armed masked dudes pointing a gun at the teller I talked to previously.
"Now shut up and put the money in the..."
"HOLY SHIT IT'S A META!" Screamed one of the guys who pointed his gun towards me.
Is Cell bullet proof? I think Cell is bullet proof.
"Um..."
Confirmed, Cell is bullet proof. They just kinda bounce off.
"Oh that really isn't necessa...MY SUIT!"
These bastards just ruined my brand new suit. It wasn't even fully paid for yet... Oh yeah, Cell is gonna have to smack a bitch.
With the white hot rage of a thousand Hulks I shot my arm at the asshole who shot me before grabbing his face and yanking violently down, slamming him face first into the hard marble floor, creating a sizable crater in the process.
More bullets came and I swept my arm low, knocking everyone in its way on their asses before I started grabbing and easily breaking the guns as quickly as I could. Gotta love super strength.
I counted three down, leaving the guy at the front who had taken the teller hostage, and another guy who thankfully realized that shooting me wasn't going to work.
"What do we do boss!"
"Shut up, I'm thinking."
I watched the two carefully as I waited for something, anything to happen. Looking at it, I don't think there was much I could do without endangering the teller.
"As cliche as it might sound, you really don't have to do this."
"Shut up freak."
Well that's just hurtful.
"You're robbing a bank in Gotham City, probably the absolute worst place for anyone to rob a bank, baring maybe Metropolis."
"Just... Just stay there freak." Said the man as he turned to his only conscious partner.
I saw this as my chance.
"Go get the mone..."
I managed to stretch my arms around the asshole and grab the gun with one smooth motion. Before he could react I smashed the butt of said gun in his face as the hostage fell to the ground and frantically moved away.
When my arms returned to their normal length I admired the new Sawed Off in my hands before realizing another round of Buckshot hit me and ruined even more of my suit.
I counted two shots.
"You know you're out of ammo right?"
Before he could do anything a wild flying sawed off appeared and bounced off his face. He hit the ground and to my amusement, the very same gun that I threw at him came down on his head again.
Then cops came in. I was wondering what those flashing lights were. Derp!
"Hi officers." I say with a wave.
Several of then start to cuff the bruised and beaten crooks before one of them approaches me. He looks me up and down.
"Nice suit."
"Try arresting me for public nudity now."
"I thought you looked familiar."
"What? There is some other Bug Man I wasn't told about?"
The officer shrugged.
"Eh, maybe. Some crazy pyro who goes by Firefly. No idea if he's really a bug or not, but this is Gotham, so we ain't ruling it out. Anyway nice job on taking put these bozos, but I'm gonna need to take a statement."
"Do I have to?"
The cop looked at me pencil in hand as he waited for me to say something.
I sighed.
"Fine, but can we hurry this up, I got an account to open, an appointment to keep, and a suit to fix."
"Just start at the beginning big guy."
+++
I've been here for a few weeks now, and after the whole bank incident, I'm starting to realize only now just how strange it is going to be living here. I mean I am going to have to actually do something. Dicking around is fun, but I am fucking Cell. There are no Androids around for me to achieve my perfect form, but that's alright. Imperfect cell at the very least looks cool if nothing else.
To be honest superheroics sounds like a lot of work and bureaucracy. The Justice League has all that covered, and I'm fairly certain that it is an immutable law of nature that no matter what the heroes always win in the end. My introduction isn't going to change that one way or the other. They'll get along fine. Sure I stopped a bank robbery, but that was just because I was there at the time. No need to make it a full time job.
Super-villainy is just as bad, the aforementioned good guys always win being a contributing factor in making the idea seem unpleasant. Plus I don't really want to kill anyone. Don't have the stomach(s) for it. Even considering one of my powers is literally the ability to drink people, I don't have to use it. I mean one of Hellboy's powers is literally kickstarting the apocalypse, but he doesn't use it, so I don't see any reason to drink people at all.
That said, I need something to do with my time. Sure I can train and train until I can finally harness Ki energy, but what about after. What job opportunities are there for a green bug man in a three piece suit? I mean jobs that I would actually want to do?
…
I'm drawing blanks here…. Hm.
You know what… I think I know what my calling is. DC tends to be on the serious side of things, even as insane as life can get in a world of super heroes, it's not the fun kind of insane. Let's fix that, I think it's time someone added some silver age hijinks into the mix. I mean I am Cell, who's gonna stop me? And thanks to S.T.A.R. Labs, I can afford the same lawyers who represent Lex Luthor. So why not make the world a more fun place to live.
Maybe I should give the Bat-mobile a new and improved paint job.
"But where am I going to find that much hot pink spray paint at this hour?"
A/N: As you can probably tell, this won't be a serious story, probably won't even have a proper narrative, just a collection of the insane wacky misadventures of Cell Genome McSplice III.