NB: I don't own Hellsing or anything else of value. While I have seen the 13 episodes, I won't pretend to be an expert on Hellsing. In fact, I think I was too busy drooling over Arucard to let much of the story line sink in...But I know one thing...I wish there was more...tension, if you will...between Arucard and Celes. I'm not saying that I want them to get together, because frankly, I don't think it would be realistic. So I'm going to try my hand at a little AxC...or maybe its just leaning a little more to C [wanting very badly to be] x A [but it just isn't going to happen].
And for the record, I don't care what anyone else prefers to stick to when it comes to character names. I personally like Celes and Arucard, so that is what I'm going to use. If you have a problem with that, if it absolutely drives you nuts, lemme just say that I don't really care. Read something else.
Loving the Nightmare
She was beginning to believe that she was no longer capable of sleeping. Yet she was exhausted, lying on her side, crimson eyes burning. At first, all Celes could focus on was the bowl full of medical blood still on her table. She had ventured to consume at least half of it, but could take no more than three sips. She was hungry. So hungry.
It had taken Celes more than a week of sleepless nights to discover that her hunger lay far beyond lack of food. While she knew she did not eat much, she was not starving herself. Some evenings she would return from her missions, and nearly attack the small blood pouch. Other evenings, and most mornings, she would feel so empty that the thought of filling the void was painful.
She could not help but feel alone. Everyday, Celes was surrounded by living, breathing beings, and yet she had no companion. Walter was kind to her, but their relationship was purely professional. Celes sighed. Her relationship with everyone was purely professional now. She had no companions, no one to really talk to, to share with. And she knew that if she tried to engage in a relationship with anyone, she would be rejected for what she was. She was accepted because she knew how to do her job, and she learned to do it well. Without that, Celes would be nothing more than filth in the world's eye.
Even her master was not her friend. Far from it. He would tutor her slightly, comment on her actions, and command her. But he was not a companion. Celes did not know if she regretted this, or if she was relieved. She did not know if she hated Arucard, or if she worshipped him. //It's probably both,\\ she commiserated. She knew what he was and what he was capable of. She knew he had little emotion, except when it came to the need to kill.
He had killed her.
But she had accepted that. She had given her consent, if that had even meant anything to him. That night in the church, he may well have shot through her, and left her to die if she had not made the choice she had.
Celes shook her head. //But why did he offer the choice? How could it possibly have mattered to him whether I lived or died\\
//But you are dead.\\
Celes could not deny the fact. Yet she was still sentient. She still moved, spoke, and felt in accordance with her own motives. Even if Arucard was her master.
Could she hate him for that? Could she hate him for killing her, yet allowing her to continue living?
//I can hate you for hiding my humanity from others, for allowing them to be able to fear and hate me. For making me a monster in their eyes.\\
"I am not a monster!" Celes cried out before hugging her knees to her chest, but not allowing herself to cry. "I'm not like you. I'm not a nightmare."
The void within her seemed to expand within her as, in defeat, she buried her face in her pillow. //It was my choice\\/ Her voice rang inside her head with a thousand echoes. //It was my choice, and I want nothing more than for him to accept me for it. I need him to accept me. It was my choice, and I can't hate him for that.\\
With a raw scream of frustration, Celes tore herself from her bed, hand raking at her pillow. With a rage and strength she never knew she possessed, she hurled the pillow across the room. It hit the stone wall with such force that it burst, feathers billowing like snow around her. Feeling the rage boil in her chest, and bubble up her throat, she picked up the bowl full of blood and whipped it across the room like a disc. It shattered, sounding like a tortured scream, the blood splattered angrily across the wall.
Celes couldn't stop herself. Her hand tore at the ice bucket, catching the handle and slamming it down on the stone floor. Crushing it, she swung it down again, and let it bounce across the room while she upturned her table.
"That's enough, police woman."
Arucard's voice tore through Celes' mind. She ignored it, picking up her chair and reducing it to splinters. //Why can't I hate you!\\ Her mind screamed.
"That is ENOUGH, Celes!"
The shock of his voice outside of her mind caused Celes to stop. Indeed, his voice came from behind her. Her rage eased, seemingly swallowed by the ever growing void.
She dropped what was left of her chair, the wooden shards sounding hollow as they hit the ground. Celes covered her face with her hands and felt her knees go weak.
When Arucard spoke, his voice dripped with malice and amusement.
"Your lack of control in such a circumstance is disgusting, police wo-"
"Give me a reason to hate you," Celes cut Arucard off, something she regretted as soon as the words escaped her mouth. But she could not back down. Not now.
Arucard did not answer, and Celes could only assume that she had angered him enough to leave, to abandon her. Closing her eyes, she turned around to face where he had been. Upon opening her eyes, she was shocked to see him still standing there.
He was dressed as he always was, but with no hat or glasses to hide the disgust on his face. Celes knew that, without the sadistic grin on his face, and despite how disgusted he looked, Arucard was one of the most beautiful men she had ever seen.
"Why can't I?" Celes whispered, unable to take her eyes away from Arucard's. "Why can't I hate you?"
Arucard's smile surprised her at first, but she felt herself shatter when it revealed no good will.
"Your emotional conflicts are no concern of mine, police woman," he spat, turning to leave. Celes merely sank to her knees, feeling no different about her master. And yet, as she watched him move away from her, she felt something erupt with her, and she could not stop it.
"Do you ever tire of pretending?" she whispered, barely audible. She knew Arucard heard her, for he had stopped in his tracks. His back remained turned to her, but she continued. "Do you ever tire of pretending to be so unfeeling?"
His laughter acted like adrenaline on her, the malice in it pushing her to her feet. Celes could feel herself lunging at him, willing her hands to become claws that would rip him apart. She wanted to hurt him. She wanted to cause him as much pain as he caused her.
Celes never reached him. Arucard spun around with such speed that she could barely perceive the action. His arm shot out and he struck her to the ground with enough force to send her sliding.
Celes slowly rolled onto her back in time to see Arucard move above her, arms reaching down like striking serpents. His hands grabbed the collar of her tunic, and he lifted her torso off the ground as if she were a rag doll.
"Such an insubordinate," Arucard hissed, the sadistic grin tainting his features as he saw tears well in Celes' eyes. But his grin quickly faded as he saw Celes form a smile of her own.
//Why can't I hate him?\\
Arucard's grip on Celes' tunic tightened as he watched her bring her hands up between his arms and grip the collar of his crimson coat. His features darkened and he tried to push her back as she pulled herself closer to him.
"You feel for her, don't you?" Celes asked, her voice still at a whisper. "You love your master. Despite everything."
The look of rage on Arucard's face frightened Celes, and she thought he might strike her again. But she couldn't stop.
"She is, after all, what you would call a disgusting mortal. She is nothing compared to you. If you weren't bound to her, you could destroy her a million times before she even blinks."
Eyes flashing, Arucard attempted to shove Celes away from him, but she held on. She expected him to vanish, leaving her griping air, but he remained, allowing her to hold on to him.
"Why do you pretend?" Celes nearly begged of him, pulling herself up so that their faces nearly touched. "Why do you pretend to feel nothing but hate and the need to kill?"
Arucard was silent for several moments before he placed his gloved hands over hers, attempting to dislodge her.
"This has gone on long enough," he said, with the unspoken command for her to remove herself immediately. And Celes did let go, but only to swing her arms around his neck and press her head against his chest.
"Master," she breathed.
Arucard was losing his patience.
"You love her, I know you do." Celes began to cry against his chest, not out of jealously, but in realization of the inevitable. "She is all you have. As much as you hate that she is your master, that you are controlled, she is all you have. Does she love you back, Master? Could she love such a nightmare underling?"
"Celes," Arucard hissed, alerting her that she was walking a very thin line.
"Is this why I can't hate you?" Celes ignored his warning again. "You are my master. You are all I have; no matter how much I hate the fact, I can't help but love you."
Celes surprised Arucard by laughing, and like his own laughter, it held no mirth.
"I am so alone, Master." Celes then moved away from Arucard, taking her arms from around his neck. Never looking him in the eye, Celes backed away towards her door.
"I am so alone, and it's my own fault."
She stopped when her back felt the solid door behind her. Still facing Arucard, she couldn't look at him. She reached for the door handle behind her.
"I think..." Celes started, forcing herself to look at Arucard. He stared back with an expression of annoyance and expectation.
"I think that if I had known I would feel like this, I would have told you to shoot me and let me die. I would have told you to go to Hell."
At her last words, Arucard smirked. But Celes didn't notice. All she saw was split second in which his eyes widened.
She didn't say anything else. Even if he hadn't disappeared at that moment, she wouldn't have said anything else to him.
His laughter rang in her ears as she let go of the door handle and slid to the cold floor. She buried her face in her hands once more.
"I would have told you to go to Hell," she whispered again. "Anything would be better than loving a nightmare."
And for the record, I don't care what anyone else prefers to stick to when it comes to character names. I personally like Celes and Arucard, so that is what I'm going to use. If you have a problem with that, if it absolutely drives you nuts, lemme just say that I don't really care. Read something else.
Loving the Nightmare
She was beginning to believe that she was no longer capable of sleeping. Yet she was exhausted, lying on her side, crimson eyes burning. At first, all Celes could focus on was the bowl full of medical blood still on her table. She had ventured to consume at least half of it, but could take no more than three sips. She was hungry. So hungry.
It had taken Celes more than a week of sleepless nights to discover that her hunger lay far beyond lack of food. While she knew she did not eat much, she was not starving herself. Some evenings she would return from her missions, and nearly attack the small blood pouch. Other evenings, and most mornings, she would feel so empty that the thought of filling the void was painful.
She could not help but feel alone. Everyday, Celes was surrounded by living, breathing beings, and yet she had no companion. Walter was kind to her, but their relationship was purely professional. Celes sighed. Her relationship with everyone was purely professional now. She had no companions, no one to really talk to, to share with. And she knew that if she tried to engage in a relationship with anyone, she would be rejected for what she was. She was accepted because she knew how to do her job, and she learned to do it well. Without that, Celes would be nothing more than filth in the world's eye.
Even her master was not her friend. Far from it. He would tutor her slightly, comment on her actions, and command her. But he was not a companion. Celes did not know if she regretted this, or if she was relieved. She did not know if she hated Arucard, or if she worshipped him. //It's probably both,\\ she commiserated. She knew what he was and what he was capable of. She knew he had little emotion, except when it came to the need to kill.
He had killed her.
But she had accepted that. She had given her consent, if that had even meant anything to him. That night in the church, he may well have shot through her, and left her to die if she had not made the choice she had.
Celes shook her head. //But why did he offer the choice? How could it possibly have mattered to him whether I lived or died\\
//But you are dead.\\
Celes could not deny the fact. Yet she was still sentient. She still moved, spoke, and felt in accordance with her own motives. Even if Arucard was her master.
Could she hate him for that? Could she hate him for killing her, yet allowing her to continue living?
//I can hate you for hiding my humanity from others, for allowing them to be able to fear and hate me. For making me a monster in their eyes.\\
"I am not a monster!" Celes cried out before hugging her knees to her chest, but not allowing herself to cry. "I'm not like you. I'm not a nightmare."
The void within her seemed to expand within her as, in defeat, she buried her face in her pillow. //It was my choice\\/ Her voice rang inside her head with a thousand echoes. //It was my choice, and I want nothing more than for him to accept me for it. I need him to accept me. It was my choice, and I can't hate him for that.\\
With a raw scream of frustration, Celes tore herself from her bed, hand raking at her pillow. With a rage and strength she never knew she possessed, she hurled the pillow across the room. It hit the stone wall with such force that it burst, feathers billowing like snow around her. Feeling the rage boil in her chest, and bubble up her throat, she picked up the bowl full of blood and whipped it across the room like a disc. It shattered, sounding like a tortured scream, the blood splattered angrily across the wall.
Celes couldn't stop herself. Her hand tore at the ice bucket, catching the handle and slamming it down on the stone floor. Crushing it, she swung it down again, and let it bounce across the room while she upturned her table.
"That's enough, police woman."
Arucard's voice tore through Celes' mind. She ignored it, picking up her chair and reducing it to splinters. //Why can't I hate you!\\ Her mind screamed.
"That is ENOUGH, Celes!"
The shock of his voice outside of her mind caused Celes to stop. Indeed, his voice came from behind her. Her rage eased, seemingly swallowed by the ever growing void.
She dropped what was left of her chair, the wooden shards sounding hollow as they hit the ground. Celes covered her face with her hands and felt her knees go weak.
When Arucard spoke, his voice dripped with malice and amusement.
"Your lack of control in such a circumstance is disgusting, police wo-"
"Give me a reason to hate you," Celes cut Arucard off, something she regretted as soon as the words escaped her mouth. But she could not back down. Not now.
Arucard did not answer, and Celes could only assume that she had angered him enough to leave, to abandon her. Closing her eyes, she turned around to face where he had been. Upon opening her eyes, she was shocked to see him still standing there.
He was dressed as he always was, but with no hat or glasses to hide the disgust on his face. Celes knew that, without the sadistic grin on his face, and despite how disgusted he looked, Arucard was one of the most beautiful men she had ever seen.
"Why can't I?" Celes whispered, unable to take her eyes away from Arucard's. "Why can't I hate you?"
Arucard's smile surprised her at first, but she felt herself shatter when it revealed no good will.
"Your emotional conflicts are no concern of mine, police woman," he spat, turning to leave. Celes merely sank to her knees, feeling no different about her master. And yet, as she watched him move away from her, she felt something erupt with her, and she could not stop it.
"Do you ever tire of pretending?" she whispered, barely audible. She knew Arucard heard her, for he had stopped in his tracks. His back remained turned to her, but she continued. "Do you ever tire of pretending to be so unfeeling?"
His laughter acted like adrenaline on her, the malice in it pushing her to her feet. Celes could feel herself lunging at him, willing her hands to become claws that would rip him apart. She wanted to hurt him. She wanted to cause him as much pain as he caused her.
Celes never reached him. Arucard spun around with such speed that she could barely perceive the action. His arm shot out and he struck her to the ground with enough force to send her sliding.
Celes slowly rolled onto her back in time to see Arucard move above her, arms reaching down like striking serpents. His hands grabbed the collar of her tunic, and he lifted her torso off the ground as if she were a rag doll.
"Such an insubordinate," Arucard hissed, the sadistic grin tainting his features as he saw tears well in Celes' eyes. But his grin quickly faded as he saw Celes form a smile of her own.
//Why can't I hate him?\\
Arucard's grip on Celes' tunic tightened as he watched her bring her hands up between his arms and grip the collar of his crimson coat. His features darkened and he tried to push her back as she pulled herself closer to him.
"You feel for her, don't you?" Celes asked, her voice still at a whisper. "You love your master. Despite everything."
The look of rage on Arucard's face frightened Celes, and she thought he might strike her again. But she couldn't stop.
"She is, after all, what you would call a disgusting mortal. She is nothing compared to you. If you weren't bound to her, you could destroy her a million times before she even blinks."
Eyes flashing, Arucard attempted to shove Celes away from him, but she held on. She expected him to vanish, leaving her griping air, but he remained, allowing her to hold on to him.
"Why do you pretend?" Celes nearly begged of him, pulling herself up so that their faces nearly touched. "Why do you pretend to feel nothing but hate and the need to kill?"
Arucard was silent for several moments before he placed his gloved hands over hers, attempting to dislodge her.
"This has gone on long enough," he said, with the unspoken command for her to remove herself immediately. And Celes did let go, but only to swing her arms around his neck and press her head against his chest.
"Master," she breathed.
Arucard was losing his patience.
"You love her, I know you do." Celes began to cry against his chest, not out of jealously, but in realization of the inevitable. "She is all you have. As much as you hate that she is your master, that you are controlled, she is all you have. Does she love you back, Master? Could she love such a nightmare underling?"
"Celes," Arucard hissed, alerting her that she was walking a very thin line.
"Is this why I can't hate you?" Celes ignored his warning again. "You are my master. You are all I have; no matter how much I hate the fact, I can't help but love you."
Celes surprised Arucard by laughing, and like his own laughter, it held no mirth.
"I am so alone, Master." Celes then moved away from Arucard, taking her arms from around his neck. Never looking him in the eye, Celes backed away towards her door.
"I am so alone, and it's my own fault."
She stopped when her back felt the solid door behind her. Still facing Arucard, she couldn't look at him. She reached for the door handle behind her.
"I think..." Celes started, forcing herself to look at Arucard. He stared back with an expression of annoyance and expectation.
"I think that if I had known I would feel like this, I would have told you to shoot me and let me die. I would have told you to go to Hell."
At her last words, Arucard smirked. But Celes didn't notice. All she saw was split second in which his eyes widened.
She didn't say anything else. Even if he hadn't disappeared at that moment, she wouldn't have said anything else to him.
His laughter rang in her ears as she let go of the door handle and slid to the cold floor. She buried her face in her hands once more.
"I would have told you to go to Hell," she whispered again. "Anything would be better than loving a nightmare."