The atmosphere at Water Town was tense, to say the least.

It was here where the gathering of the kingdom's finest Adventurers was currently taking place. The King's direct order was it was here, under the auspices of the Sword Maiden, that the discussion regarding the recent Demon Lord's threat would proceed. Most of Gold Adventurers had already arrived at the cathedral, paying their respects to the ever-tired monarch. The Platinums were more casual with him, but it was through their work that this kingdom and this world still stood strong despite weekly troubles with forces of evil.

There was, however, one Adventurer in particular who was missing.

"...where is God Hand again?" Sword Maiden resisted an urge to sigh. Oh. Of course it was God Hand that was missing. Ever a rebellious free spirit, even when blessed with such great power from the divine providence. Well, less a "rebellious free spirit" and more a "fight-looking hothead". The Frontier had no challenges that could possibly threaten him or even amuse him long enough though, so odds were he was just slacking off somewhere, with complete disrespect for any authority but his own.

"I believe he left recently to, quote, take in the sights, unquote." The King's eyebrows furrowed for a moment before he looked at the ceiling, trying and failing to appear as a patient personage.

"God Hand is that guy with a stupid-looking coat, right?" Demon Hunter asked idly from over his newspaper, not even attempting to look interested.

"Oh, the cut on that is dreadful." Sorceress of Creation added from her seat, as always practicing her unusual abilities of bringing matter into being. "Well, Hatchet Girl should bring him back shortly. She's the one person that knows how to keep a leash on him."

"You'd think a man like that would be unafraid of a simple hand axe, and yet here we are." It would be more amusing for the Sword Maiden if not for a fact that God Hand was, through the possession of his divine boon, an important religious figure in quite a few religions of the Praying Races (nor could they decide from where the magnificent arm that gave him this name originates). His sheer audacity regarding, well, everything rankled her not just as as a former Adventurer, but as a religious person of her own cut.

Speaking of hand axes, the doors to the main room were opened with a loud bang. In strolled the aforementioned Hatchet Girl – not a registered Adventurer herself, merely God Hand's handler – looking absolutely livid. "Where the hell is he?!"

"So much for keeping a leash on." The King sighed. "Well, whatever. Someone can relay the information to him later on. There's a realm to be rescued, and we can't afford to wait."

"Naturally, Your Highness. Hatchet Girl, if you'd be so kind to accompany us on the meeting..."

"Bah! He is so in trouble once I get my hands on him..." Despite looking terribly ordinary, the hatchet emitted malevolent energy that could probably fell any mighty being with a single swing. Nobody knew how it worked, and nobody felt like questioning it.

Meanwhile, in an insignificant goblin nest near an insignificant Frontier Town…

"That was so cool!'" Monk was in absolute awe of the newcomer's fabulous strength. How could one not be when presented with such amazing feats? The man had just sent a "hobgoblin" - a bigger offshoot of the usual green menace – flying with a single kick. If stars could dwell in one's eyes, they would sure be in this rookie martial artist's.

"Man, I haven't fought goblins in so long, it almost feels welcome. Almost, the green little assholes." The man introduced himself simply as a God Hand to the four-man team of Porcelains heading for a goblin extermination quest. He wore no tag to his name, and Wizard thought that his coat is a horrendous offense to any fashion whatsoever – especially with that stupid split skull design on it – but it quickly became apparent that the man knew what he was doing. The Warrior's role as the leader of the team quickly became superfluous as he did his best not to openly voice his displeasure with the thunder being stolen from him and the rest of their group.

The Earth Mother's Priestess, for one, was happy that they had a strong person actually providing aid to them. Weak or not, goblins still were deathly dangerous, and if there were more such hobgoblins around, it would be prudent to have this God Hand with them – even if he seemed a bit too eager to find another one. "So, you kids here on your first quest ever or what?"

"Well, yes. We were planning to clear the nest and advance to the next rank." Warrior replied.

"You guys? You guys are weaksauce."

"Are not! And goblins are even more weaksauce, anyway!"

"Oh yeah, tough guy? How would you fight that hob?"

"I'd… think of something." Warrior's defensive response only earned him an amused chortle from God Hand. The young rookie was livid. "Yeah, well, we don't need you around!"

"We kind of need him." Wizard intoned flatly. "He's been a huge help, even if he could stand to talk a little less."

"Come on, guys, you're being too harsh on him. He's so sublime." Monk was, for her part, absolutely awestruck still. "Did you see his technique? That is the stuff of legends! Back me up there, Priestess!"

"What? Oh, sorry, I was just, uh, thinking about something else. Why are you named a God Hand, sir?" Their unlikely companion merely flexed his right arm, the one adorned with an ornate silver brace, in response. "Is that… an actual arm of a god?"

"Beats me. Helps me beat the tar out of baddies though."

"Come on, don't feed his ego." Warrior groused. "He's skilled, fair, but that's reaching."

"That's what the Hatchet Girl says, at least. Supposedly this baby used to belong to some warrior of the eons past." God Hand stopped and turned to look at them. The man was fair-looking, if a bit rough-and-tumble, with a little bandaid on his face that seemed more decorative than helpful, with light brown hair, slicked back and signifying a devil-may-care attitude. "...if any of you twerps tells on me to her, I'll give you a God Noogie."

"...he calls it a God Noogie. Of course he does." This time Monk opted to bump Warrior with her elbow.

"W-why would we tell on you, sir?" Priestess asked. Something was certainly amiss. There was no trace of goblins whatsoever. After the initial brawl the greenskins retreated deeper into the cave, but was there really not even a token attempt from them to fight back?

"I might have skipped on a meeting with a King." That gave the rookies pause. "Figured that I'm not needed there."

"W-w-why wouldn't you be needed?!" It was the Wizard that was the most incredulous (Warrior having exhausted his incredulous quota for the day, and still threatened by Monk's elbow). "If a King wants to meet you, you go meet him!"

"Psh. It's fine." God Hand – proving to be as important politically as his big name would imply – waved off her concerns cheerfully. "A fighter ain't worth nothing if he has nothing to warm up on. Speaking of which – oi, uglies! Am I gonna have to start singing?!"

"S-should we really be rousing goblins in their own cave?" As it turned out, they shouldn't have.

The green tide came out from ahead, lead by another hobgoblin – no, something even bigger and meaner than the brute from earlier. This one carried a wicked-looking jagged sword as big as Warrior was tall, and ramshackled armor. His frame was rippling with muscles as it barreled towards the hapless party, running over his lesser brethren without a care in the world.

"Hell yeah, now we're talking. Get back, kids, and watch the master at work." Completely unafraid of the oncoming green horde, God Hand merely assumed a combat pose, beckoning the terrifying Goblin Champion closer. The rookies, for their own part, were more than happy to fall back and get clear. Here was hoping that this strange martial artist was capable enough to keep them from getting slaughtered.

Unfortunately, the imminent fight ended before it began, with a knife flying right into a Goblin Champion's eye and making it stumble and flop backwards, howling curses in their own speech as its sheer size blocked the smaller goblins from actually going past. God Hand stared incredulously, long enough that one of the greenskins managed to sneak up on him – but this one too was thrown to the side with a well-aimed throwing knife, squealing in pain.

"...reckless." A flat voice reached them from the depths of the corridor. The armored figure emerged from the darkness, covered in grime and goblin blood. "Porcelains are still alive though. Good."

"Hey, do you mind?" God Hand grumbled, deciding that caving the writhing Champion's skull in with a stomp would have to suffice for quality entertainment. With the death of their leader, the goblin horde retreated without much prompting. "I was trying to style on that guy."

"Is that so?"

"U-um… a-are you an Adventurer, sir?" Priestess asked. It was a rhetorical question – unlike the God Hand, this knight wore a very telling Silver tag on his neck.

"Well, we're not getting any reward for this quest if a Silver just showed up..." Warrior grumbled.

"I'm fine with not taking the reward." The Silver Tag replied with the same emotionless voice, soldiering on. There was no need to check that Champion – with a skull crushed into fine powder, it was dead enough for his tastes. "You're ill-prepared."

"Excuse you?"

"Your sword is too big." Now that the other rookies thought about it, Warrior's broadsword did get stuck on the ceiling earlier… "Minimal to no armor on all of you. No antidotes. Would have died if not for that man." The Silver Tag didn't seem to want to continue that dialogue for much longer, turning his attention to God Hand. "Were you counting the goblins?"

"What am I, an Abacus Hand?"

"That's a no then." Still, it was likely that the goblins underestimated him – and were lured in by the scent of three female rookies over there – and had no time to reflect on that. The sheer destructive force of that fighter made it a likely possibility. "Shaman?"

"Didn't see none."

"Must be deeper in the cave then." If he was there at all – that Champion was not here the last time Goblin Slayer assessed the force dwelling in the nest. A Champion could, in fact, be a tough enemy to overcome if not for the fact that pretty much every single goblin in the cave would now see red when God Hand showed up in sight. Riling them up seemed to be his specialty. "You, Porcelains. Stick close. Try not to run off. Watch your backs. Goblins may circle from around."

"Y-yes, sir..." Priestess mumbled.

The party continued on, meeting no resistance from the goblins whatsoever. The few strays that didn't run off in time met a swift end to Goblin Slayer's – apparently such was the name of the Silver Tag – throwing knives. They've met a hobgoblin on their way to the nest's heart, but it seemed completely disinterested in opposing them, merely bowing its head down in a pose of supplication, begging for mercy.

"...man, even the big ones are afraid now." Monk, once she shook off her starry-eyed awe, was more alert than ever. The presence of the sober-minded Goblin Slayer did help in making her and the others think a little clearer.

"You think this one learned his lesson?" Priestess asked uncertainly, watching as God Hand and Goblin Slayer exchanged knowing glances. The grime-covered knight stepped back after a long, pregnant silence. The hobgoblin remained in a begging pose, hoping that this little ploy might actually catch one of those adventurers unawares. Even with its bulk and strength, it was a cowardly goblin at heart.

"You guys ever heard of baseball?" The odd question from the odd martial artist raised some eyebrows from the rookie party.

"It's that sport some elves enjoy… why?" Wizard asked, feeling that she might not like the answer. God Hand merely pulled his god arm back as if planning to strike the hob, only for a celestial mace to appear in it.

"There's nothing quite like the feeling of hitting a home run." God Hand extended his other hand towards Goblin Slayer who gingerly handed him some small spherical object. The martial artist in a stupid coat examined it briefly, letting it hop in his head. "Especially if you can find some big dumb schmuck who thinks he can get away with that cheap trick."

The hob realized immediately that it was being discussed; fat lot it did to it. It rose its head sharply just in time for the spherical object – an incendiary grenade with a delayed explosion time – to smack it right into its bulbous nose. The sheer force of the improbable attack launched it barreling down the corridor where it went off with an infernal blaze.

"Alright, that's all she wrote!" God Hand gave the celestial bat one more swing before dispersing it in a heavenly light. The screams of cooked goblins were a music well-earned. "Guess it's time to go back and take a pint of victory."

"Not yet." Goblin Slayer shook his head. "Still need to clear out the goblin children and to find the abducted women."

"Wait, they abduct women?"

"It's common knowledge."

"Cut me some slack there. I haven't been around for a while." From what you've heard about the goblins in the Capital and associated major lands, you wouldn't think the greenskins were much of a menace; just a mildly upsetting occurrence that stole cattle and resources.

"...did you say "goblin children"?" Warrior asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Can't let them live."

"Whoa whoa, wait a second. We can't kill children! That's… that's not right, even if they're goblins." Monk objected fervently. Goblin Slayer did not deign her with a look.

"Which is why I will be killing them. Rest easy."

"Think of them as midgets. Evil angry midgets." God Hand threw in his own commentary.

"If it helps you understand why doing this is necessary."

"I don't think we should..."

"If the children are not killed, they will escape the nest and become Wanderers. Once they learn enough of the world, they will make their own nests, with experience of the past which will make them that much more dangerous." Goblin Slayer shrugged slightly. "It's a chore to be done."

Eventually they stumbled into the heart of the nest. Most goblins there, including the earlier-mentioned Shaman, appeared long dead, lying still and motionless. Naturally, they were playing possum. Goblin Slayer knew they could and have done that. "...they're all dead…?" Priestess asked, unaware of the trickery at hand. The Silver Tag was silent, merely producing another set of throwing knives…

"Oh man, it's a crying shame that all these goblins are dead!" God Hand strode forward casually. "I guess it's a good thing we don't have to fight them though, since all of us are tired and exhausted after the big ones! The three young nubile women in our team are all very happy they can lay down their arms and take it easy!"

"...that cannot possibly work..." Wizard muttered under her breath. Goblin Slayer stared at God Hand making a fool of himself before sheathing all knives but one and producing a bomb not unlike the one from earlier instead. Right on cue, the previously "dead" bunch of goblins swarmed towards God Hand, seeking to rip him apart.

"Close your eyes." Goblin Slayer simply said before chucking the bomb towards where the still motionless Shaman was at. The sphere exploded into a flash of blinding light, incapacitating the usually nocturnal bunch of greenskins. The knife went for the Shaman almost immediately after, ensuring his swift death. "Clear them." He went in first with a simple dirk, stabbing at the first unfortunate goblin in the way. Porcelains, having recovered enough to join in, aided the extermination in their own way. Warrior's sword proved big enough for this particular room, letting him score multiple kills with each swing. Monk's swift blows dealt with those still keeping their wits about them, and the remaining straggler was finished by Wizard's Firebolt.

By all means, this was a simple, clean-cut operation, with a single slight: the high and mighty God Hand curled up on the ground, holding his face and muttering petty curses under his breath. Goblin Slayer stared for a moment. "You, Priestess. Do you have a healing miracle?"

"Ah, well, yes..."

"Aid him. Monk with me." The other martial artist wasn't sure where else to go – the abducted women were over there, huddled in a corner and currently being reassured by Warrior and Wizard both – at least not until the Silver Tag revealed a secret door behind the Shaman's bone throne. In there, in a small room, huddled goblin children. Monk's eyes widened as she stared at the small, pudgy beings that couldn't possibly be able to harm a fly…

Goblin Slayer handed her a length of mace, a grim-looking bludgeon. "If you try to hit them with your hand, they might bite you." Himself seemed content to use the dirk from earlier, still red from goblin blood all over it.

"W-wait. Is this really necessary?"

"Let me put it like this: if it was just you and that God Hand in this cave, you would no doubt emerge unscathed and victorious, but you would not learn. You would not understand what goblins are and what must be done to be rid of them." Dispassionately, Goblin Slayer dug the thrusting blade into the first whelp's throat, making it gurgle ignominiously before it expired, choking on its own blood. "You would make the same" Stab. "mistakes" Stab. "like the ones here." Stab.

Monk stared, feeling like her legs were rooted to the cave floor, both mesmerized and disturbed at the inhuman, methodical culling of the goblin children. One of them slipped past and squealed for help, ducking between her legs and hiding behind, looking up to her for support. "God Hand, for all of his power, would not know of this hidden door. He would let the weak enough goblins run away. They wouldn't be fun enough to kill." Goblin Slayer seemed indifferent to the whelp hiding behind the Monk, begging her for help, methodically stabbing at its brothers one after another. Terrified screaming decreased in numbers, bit by bit.

"I-I..."

"The survivors would make a new nest, this time experienced and learned. Villages would be harassed, women abducted. Eventually they would grow strong enough to lead an all-out assault. Dozens would perish." Soon enough, only the whelp covering behind her remained. "...that makes it twenty eight. One last goblin remains." Slowly, Goblin Slayer turned to face her. Time slowed down to a crawl. With a deep sigh, Monk put away the mace and reached down to pick up the goblin child, watching it from up close, held securely at arm's length. It was as hideous as the adult goblins, but something about its softer features and chubbier shapes made it seem harmless, as a normal child would be seen. It squealed once more, a desperate plea for help.

The girl closed her eyes, screamed and dashed the goblin child against the stone floor.

"Thank you for your hard work!"

To be honest, Guild Girl was feeling antsy. The Porcelain team that went on a goblin-slaying quest had yet to return. With three women in the team, this felt like a bad proposition indeed. Furthermore, Goblin Slayer that went on the same quest hadn't returned yet either. They couldn't possibly all be killed, could they?

No no, dash that thought away. They were probably just taking extra time with securing the abducted women. Plus, Goblin Slayer would likely doublecheck the entire cave to make sure no greenskin was left alive. Speak of the devil, he showed up at the door, walking with the same mechanical stride. As a much pleasing surprise, the whole Porcelain team was with him! They looked quite worn out – the martial artist girl in particular – but otherwise didn't seem harmed in any way – not even a meaningful ruffle on their clothes.

The man in a stupid coat that shuffled into the building last, rubbing his eyes like something persistent got in and refused to budge, Guild Girl did not recognize. "I've slain all goblins." Goblin Slayer announced with the same emotionless inflection. "These five helped."

"I carried that whole quest, and all I got was a flashbang to the face." Man In A Stupid Coat grumbled in response, approaching the desk. "Well, at least the view's nice. Didn't know Frontier staff is that fine. What's cookin', good-lookin'?" Guild Girl suddenly felt that perhaps taking the evening shift wasn't the best course of action for her. The man didn't wear any tag on him, but if he came with Goblin Slayer, then he had to be at least competent. "Oh, yeah, sorry. I don't wear that stupid thing out of habit." He reached down his coat, producing a tiny piece made of gold.

Everyone stared at the Gold Tag like it was a dragon showing out of the blue. "...what?"

"Hm." Goblin Slayer nodded. "That does explain a few things."

I don't know what I was thinking when writing this. Here. This is a Goblin Slayer x Godhand, that wacky beat'em up by Clover. Expect nothing to make actual sense. Can't tell if this will be continued in any way, but it was something that I felt I had to write down, so... there you go.