Here's someone who really loves you. Don't ever go away. That's what these walls would say. (If These Old Walls Could Speak, Jimmy Webb)

"Right over left, round and then through," Fred repeated again, as he secured Reggie's tie. "You will get the hang of it son, easy when you knows how."

"Thanks Uncle Fred," Reggie was determined, he would master the tricky accessory by the end of the day. It couldn't be more of a skill then changing a beer barrel and he could do that.

"Oh look at you two, all suited and booted, don't you look smart," Violet emerged from the Crown kitchen, wearing the dress and coat she had worn for Chummy's wedding.

"You don't look so bad yourself, Violet," beamed a perfectly groomed Val in a coral trouser suit and cream silken vest top.

"Who has one of those phone things, that takes a picture?" Evie asked smoothing down a new floral dress she had treat herself to.

"Everyone Evie," Val laughed, "Except you and Paddy."

"Must be a pub thing," added Jack coming through the door, to cries of dismay.

"Jack, you are in jeans," cried Vi.

"Talk about letting the side down," remarked Fred.

Jack looked abashed, but added, "Thought I would stay behind, make sure no-one breaks in and steals all the eggs."

"Jack, you know Paddy want's us all to attend Easter Service this morning. If we are having a joint Easter Festival this year, it starts at ten o'clock at St. Preservus," admonished Vi.

Jack looked at his trainers, that were at least clean.

"Let's say no more about it, you will have to do," Evie concluded.

The last member of the party, had arrived through the door marked Private that led to the living quarters of the Crown. Paddy gave a harsh look at Jack, but said nothing.

"You always scrub up well Mr. T, you should wear suits more often," Blushed Vi followed by Paddy.

Val brought him back down to earth, "Would you like me to do your hair?"

Paddy gave Val the look reserved just for her and her cheek, the one that kept her quiet for about five seconds.

"Right then, is everybody ready?" another glance at a fidgety Jack, Paddy continued, "Bernie and Tim are meeting us there."

xxxx

The Crown seven shuffled into the pew at the back of Saint Preservus, led in by Vi and ushered in by Paddy, bringing up the rear.

"Hello, I see the naughty pew has been taken this morning," beamed Peter Noakes, "that is usually reserved for the Noakes family."

"Have we stolen your seat?" laughed Paddy.

"Don't worry, this isn't the Crown, there won't be a fight," joked Peter as he and Camilla sat in front. Phyllis accompanying Lady Keville with aromatherapist Jane Sutton, "looks like that's the Crown pew this morning," Phyllis winked at Paddy.

"Shove up!" the southern accent demanded, faintly attempting the local dialect.

"Trixie, that's the pub pew this morning, come and join us," Chummy suggested.

Paddy had already shifted for Trixie to sit down,

"I am representing Bernie," Trixie grinned.

"Trixie is Team Crown," Val added on the other side of Paddy.

"You ready for today, Trixie?" Paddy asked.

"I think so, I have some understanding of an egg hunt and even the hill rolling, but jarping remains a mystery to me," Trixie informed him in all seriousness.

Paddy leaned in and kept his voice low, aware of his surroundings.

"Right then, the Crown and Church Easter Jarping Tournament, or as it was formerly known, the Crown Inn Easter Jarping Tournament, it's very easy to understand the rules."

"I believe you," Trixie smiled, but not laughed.

Paddy lent forward in an attempt to not be overheard and Trixie followed him, "It is played in a knock-out format, like the FA Cup." Trixie nodded she understood, Paddy continued his voice below his usual range, "Each contestant selects a hard boiled egg prepared by a neutral source." Trixie nodded she was following, "Competitors divide into pairs. One is the holder or Jarpee and the other is the thruster or Jarper. You following Trix?"

"I think so?" she whispered back, her cheeks slightly flushed. Paddy swallowed and continued at the lower vibration,

"The holder grasps their egg with their dominant hand revealing just the tip. The Jarper holds their egg also in their dominant hand. The Jarper needs to know they can make a firm contact with the other egg, so gently rubs the end of their tool against the opponents to ensure the certainty of contact. So the Jarper has one attempt to make a clean strike. You following?" Paddy paused.

"Yes," Trixie assured in a rather higher pitch than she intended, "It's very warm in here, or is it just me?" she added removing her scarf. Paddy nodded still sat forwards whispering into Trixie's ear.

"The pair then swap places and repeat this series of events. Everyone has a turn with everyone else. Once both tips of your egg are cracked you are eliminated. The winner is the final competitor to have at least one end in tact."

The congregation hushed as Tom Hereward arrived in the pulpit, to start the service, just as Chummy who was sat directly in front of Paddy and Trixie exclaimed a little too loudly, "I've never been more aroused."

Timothy Turner sat at the organ, couldn't help turn toward the back of the church to see where all the sniggering was coming from. To be honest, he knew exactly where the laughter was coming from, but he had to look. Lucille, in front of her choir, exchanged glances and they shrugged their shoulders. He looked at Bernie, who was shaking her head and glaring at the back of the church. Tom Hereward was looking a little flushed and said, "Shall we begin."

xxxx

Back at the Crown it was all stations go. Violet gave a wicker basket to Fred,

"These are the onion peel dyed eggs, for egg rolling down Crown Bank. Take them to the back of the pub and remember it is one egg per child."

"I wondered where that pong of onions was coming from, they do look pretty though, but don't half pen and ink," the brewer preferred a more hoppy odour.

"Jack, you take these plain eggs to the beer garden, there is a table set up with colouring pens and markers for the more artistic types. Remember one egg per child," Jack nodded at Violet to reassure her he had got it.

"That leaves the jarpers for later. The Church are in charge of the Easter Egg Hunt around the village. I just hope they haven't made it too difficult for the little ones," Violet took a breath.

"I think it was Tim and Lucille who hid them, so should be all right Vi," Val reassured with a wink.

xxxx

"So I just drop my egg down the bank?"

"Trixie, you must have rolled an Easter Egg before?" Bernie thought her friend was deliberately being dense.

"You mean one smelling of onions, can't say I have," Poplar's latest resident snapped back.

"No wonder you want to shot them away down the hill," laughed Fred.

"What is the point?" Trixie wasn't satisfied.

"It's just a laugh, you race your pals and see how many times you can roll it, before it cracks," Bernie was losing patience.

"Represents the stone rolling away from the tomb," Paddy interjected, Bernie made a shocked face and Paddy grabbed her by the waist and said, "What! I am not a complete heathen," threatening to roll her down the hill.

"So once I have rolled this, I have to go down the hill, retrieve it and if it hasn't cracked, do it again, until it does?" Trixie said, keeping a wide berth from wrestling Paddy and Bernie, the latter now screaming.

Fred feeling a bit awkward himself with the tactileness of the moment, nodded at Trixie,

"Better get a move on love, don't want to miss the start of the duck race."

"Sorry?"

"The duck race down the Tweaven, first duck to Mount Busby wins."

Paddy interrupted, suddenly letting go of Bernie, who actually did stagger a few feet down hill before achieving traction. "My favourite bit."

"You race real ducks, that is medieval," protested Trixie.

"This from the Poplar sheep rustler," corrected Paddy.

Bernie saved the situation and herself from joining the eggs at the bottom of the hill,

"They are not real ducks, Trixie, you know those ones you put in your bath, those rubber ones. You put your mark on one and the first one Reggie spots at the farm, wins."

"Who has a bath these days? Haven't you all got showers yet?" Trixie was confused.

Paddy huffed. Bernie added, "You might be the one at the farm, waiting for a duck next year."

"I don't think that is in my job description." Trixie added, but she didn't look convinced.

Fred and Paddy were trying unsuccessfully to keep a straight face, "Fancy a pint, Fred?"

"Not arf, Doc," he replied already heading for the pub.

"You are all as cracked as these eggs," Trixie said, delicately tossing her egg southwards.

Xxxx

Trixie walked back to the front of the Crown and wondered if she was doing the right thing moving to potty Poplar. She made her way to the beer garden. She was surprised to see her new employers surrounded by sticky fingers and loud chatter. Turner Prize nominee Patience Mount was decorating eggs with the village children. Also helping a few of the Sunday School class with their fragile Easter bonnets, some of which looked more like caps or helmets.

Delia, never far away, stood guard over a cardboard box, where a couple of fluffy yellow chicks were being coo'd over. Phyllis was still accompanying Lady Keville, who had brought a large selection of knitted egg warmers in all the colours of the rainbow, were showing a group of children how to make the pom-pom version of the tweety little critters in Delia's box. Lucille had been delighted with these knitted extras, and had Tim yarn-bomb Poplar, distributing them around the village, as part of the Easter Egg Trail.

Trixie was feeling a little bit lost. Bernie had returned from the egg rolling in one piece and was now interrogating Paddy, "What were you all laughing at in church, tell me?"

"I don't know what you are talking about," he winked at Trixie.

Trixie grinned, "I feel like a vegan in the hen house. What can I do, to help at my first Poplar Easter Festival?"

"Well you are good at sales, you can be in charge of the raffle," Paddy said as if he had given her the combination to the Crown safe.

Val placed on the bar, a huge cuddly grey and white rabbit, holding a large gold foil covered chocolate egg. Trixie forced a smile.

"There are a couple of envelopes there too; second prize is a Mount Busby Alpaca Day Out and third prize is a Meal for Two at the Crown." Paddy announced proudly and Trixie suddenly connected with her new life.

Until Bernie spoilt it,"Fourth prize is an Alpaca Day Out and a meal at the Crown," laughing hysterically at her own joke. While Trixie, Val and Paddy refused to. Even though Val's lips were twitching.

Valerie passed Trixie a Tupperware box full of coins "A float; to get you started, they always come with notes." Trixie smiled a little bit.

Xxxx

The sun was lowering behind the Cleveland Hills, cooling the Crown beer garden. The last of the tables had been cleared and the clutter added to the recycling bin. Val was taking orders for drinks, the children had all gone home. The Two Loves had taken Antonia back to Bagnall Hall. Trixie sat proudly admiring, a brightly decorated toilet roll inner with a bright yellow toy chick with a wonky beak, stuck on the top with blu-tack.

"I can't believe you won the Egg Jarping, Trixie," Bernie shook her head.

"Beginners luck," shouted an envious Jack.

"Expert training," suggested Paddy.

"What are you going to do with your trophy, Trixie?" laughed Val

"Put it on top of Bernie's telly," Trixie said emphatically.

"That monstrosity is not coming into my house," Bernie cried in mock indignation.

"Oi, Tim made that," Paddy yelled.

"About ten years ago, Dad!" Tim blushed in horror. Lucille and Jack's laughter adding insult to injury.

Tom and Bobby and baby Hereward appeared, it was the first time they had been seen since church. They had been overseeing the egg hunt around the village and offering refreshments at the church, a role Bernie had envied.

"The church is locked up and the village is litter free," explained Bobby to Julia who was sipping on a Crabbies ginger beer, emphasis on the beer.

"Splendid, everyone has worked so hard today," Julia commented. "That little one looks tired," she added, observing a grouchy baby in Bobby's arms.

"She actually needs changing," Bobby explained.

Val who was passing Evie a pint of Easter Egg ale informed the young mother, "The toilets are just inside Mrs Hereward, the changing facilities are in there."

"Oh thanks, Valerie," said Bobby and moved toward the backdoor.

Tom held up a hand, "We should really be getting home, love."

"Aren't you two stopping for a drink, we've all earned it," asked Julia taking another sip of her memory.

"No, we better get home and get this little madam seen to," Tom laughed weakly.

"Be quicker, just to change her here if she's uncomfortable?" Phyllis sipping on a double brandy offered.

"I would rather we went home," replied Tom curtly.

"The facilities here are excellent. I should know, I make sure they are spotless every morning," Evie's tone held authority.

"But it is 5pm," Tom's voice had a higher pitch now.

"Bernie or myself check the loos every hour, if you look on the door, we have to sign to say everything is in order," Val couldn't keep quite any longer.

"Look you're all very kind, but I don't want my daughter being changed in a pub toilet." Tom's voice was adamant.

Evie looked as if she was about to combust.

Julia intervened, "Tom, maybe you should get your family home, we have all had a long day."

"And confusing. I am sorry but I really haven't seen the point of this. We welcomed everyone to church this morning, for the most important date in the Christian calendar, and then chased them all to the pub. Where is the message in that?"

The youth ministers words left the beer garden in a dense fog of discomfort. Julia looked lost for a moment, it was Phyllis who spoke up,

"Today was about community lad, bringing the village and the wider area together. These two buildings have been central to this village for over 300 years. It's about time they came together."

Phyllis had given Julia time to compose herself, "We will discuss the issues you have raised concerning a joint festival in a meeting tomorrow, Mr Hereward."

Baby Hereward was becoming more grumpy and Bobby was struggling to placate her. Paddy who had been very quiet through this most recent exchange of views, offered quietly,

"Mrs Herward, your daughter seems very unhappy. Would you like to take her upstairs to the flat? Where you can have ample space and privacy."

"Lets go Bobby, I will see you tomorrow, Reverend," Tom nodded at Julia, Bobby didn't have time to acknowledge Paddy's offer, as she was pushed by her husband towards the door.

Someone with not the longest fuse in Poplar, had sweaty palms and a racing heart and a mouth she couldn't keep shut,

"If yer have issues with the joint festival then that is fine Mr Hereward, as Reverend Lewis said that needs to be discussed between you tomorrow." Everyone recognised the north of the border twang, that wasn't done yet,

"But I have issue with your attitude right now concerning this house, it is so much more than an ale house, it's a place where people work, it is a home." Tom stopped in his tracks, Bernie went on,

"Your place of work just happens to be the House of God, now we were invited into that house this morning and everyone here, acted in a respectful manner." Bernie took a breath, there was some awkward shuffling on the garden benches. She was on a roll though,

"You were invited into our home today and I feel you have not returned that respect. To say the Crown isn't a fit place for a child, maybe you want to take a look at Timothy Turner, he was raised here. Would Mrs Turner have chosen this as a home, if she thought the Crown wasn't a fit place for a child? I think he has turned out pretty OK, don't you?"

Tim wished at this point, that people would just remember who he was, and not feel the need to check by staring at him. Fortunately Bernie went on,

"Surely what matters is not whether it is a House of Prayer or a House of Refreshment, but a House of Love. And you can take my word for it, for what that may be worth, this house is just that. There is so much love in this house, I am only sorry yer canae feel it."

Later Trixie said that she started the clapping, but everyone was sure it was Val, followed by Lucille. There was definitely a "Well said lass," from Phyllis and somebody, maybe more than one, said her dad would be proud. Was there an Amen? The kids just said, "You don't mess with our Bernie." Did anyone notice Paddy said nothing, he just beamed with pride, if pride was a signal the Crown was 5G?

xxxxx

"I am barred from Saint Perservus now. That is the Mission I have offended and the church in one week," Bernie complained.

There was only her and Paddy now. The sun had gone to its rest behind the hills. They sat on Frank and Peggy's bench sharing a secret ciggie, Bernie perched on Paddy's knee.

"Nonsense, Julia totally supported you. It's Mr Hereward who should be worried and as for the Mission, does that really matter now, Bernie?"

"Mr. Hereward is young and idealistic, everything is black and white to him, I used to know someone else like that," she smiled stubbing out the butt of the fag: they hoped Tim would never know about.

"What happened to her?" Paddy said turning her face gently towards his with both hands.

"She came home," she smiled and kissed him tenderly, in a way that she was just beginning to understand.

"Bernie, you know this can be your home, whenever you want it to be, on whatever terms you want." He looked at her intently. Bernie knew if she didn't save herself, she would drown in those eyes.

"You know what I do want?" she kissed him on the forehead and pushed back his unruly hair. He just raised both eyebrows saying tell me?

"Are those pink wafers still behind the bar?"

"Go see," he laughed, helping her off his knee.

Bernie almost ran to the bar, she found a package wrapped in gold foil with a red bow. She ripped open recklessly, the carefully wrapped box. Only to find a large brightly coloured tin which read Huntley and Palmer Superior Biscuits. Bernie's expression looked like it was Christmas, birthdays and Easter all at once.

"Paddy, I bloody love you."

Paddy smiled, "Happy Easter, Bernie,"