Summary: He's hanging on a moment, broken and hurt; but life is about learning how to collide. It's not picture-perfect, it's numb and full of crawling, but there's still time to feel good when you're finally awake.

Rating: T, slightly mature themes

[Attempted] Genre: Seinen, Jousei

Tags: drama, maturity, self-reflection, discovery

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the frame in which I write; the characters are not my own.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

老子

"Will you help me?" Her voice cracked. The pleading in her voice obvious, it wasn't something to ignore. Exactly why he ignored it. His brows furrowed as he mused what to do.

Nervously, she sat. She waited. And waited. Then waited until the sinking feeling in her gut sank too low for comfort. She opened her mouth again; he lifted a hand. Quietly, he sipped his tea. His eyes drooped down to his pen and paper as he began to doodle.

The only sound between the two was the scratching of surfaces as the tips of his fingers pressed the edge of his pen into an inky existence expressing emotions he hadn't known were still pent up. They implored the paper to make love; the consent was given and the picture danced its own soul into being.

"What," he began slowly, eyes still on his work, "could I possibly do for you. I mean, it's rather kind of you to pick me out of all people that you know. But really, why me? After all, didn't I do too little? Oh wait, that's not it. Wasn't I just too much?"

Her face turned slightly, but she kept her eyes on him. A red hue pasted itself slowly throughout the flesh of her cheeks. Her face was puffed with tears. Her eyes crinkled with weakness. His were filled with the callousness of cold, bitter-hearted curiosity for amusement.

Her lips opened and closed. She struggled to form syllables, even if they were silent, he thought. Perhaps she learned too much to be like a fish. The huffing of her breath ran ragged, and the occasional hic made him crow with internal triumph. But as the moments passed, it all melted.

"He senses something, call it desperation; another dollar, another day. And if she had the proper words to say, she would tell him. But she'd have nothing left to sell him." The music in the background only served to further break down the paper walls; visions of years, of stars, skies, cries, laughs, and the two of them bleeding.

The last of their love was a sauna bursting with heat, choked in a cloak of sweaty confusion that seemed to be the culmination of their journey, met by its abrupt end. Met with the sound of a dying animal. Of course, it wasn't her that was screaming. And after the fact, he couldn't remember if she even shed a tear or if she had already turned the other cheek. Not that it mattered.

Then his mind walked a little further down the road. The hallway hadn't been so dark, but the chain of memories seemed to swallow that which made him human. H was taken back to the most bitter pill to swallow. The sight of his wife in their apartment with another man. And it hadn't been just any man. He felt his knuckles whitening, his brain burning at the thought, the very image of just whom she had to pick of all people.

No, he corrected himself as the memory's haziness faded for but a second before its dustiness sheltered it under the ashes of old bridges. It took two to tango. She wasn't the only one who chose.

He hadn't spoken to Saika since. The fragments of misery soured his rose-tinted lenses. He couldn't even think about his once-friend without fearing panic. Saika was the one person in his life with whom he had unwittingly trusted. Years of friendship, hundreds, thousands of hours spent. But so many of those seconds were fabricated, even though the majority of the moments had to be real.

Before the anxiety set in, he jumped into the safety of reality. Hands shaking, he gripped his tea and took a gulp; numbers slowly clacked their way down from one to ten again and again. She was lost in her own wake as well, only brought down as the sound of his cup clacked against the table.

The hazel of her irises never seemed more innocent in their betrayal as he tried to peer into them. Her next words set him on edge. "Hachiman, please. You're good at what you do; we both know that. Why can't you help me? Can't you move past that?"

He recoiled. "You think I haven't gotten over that? Orimoto," she winced, "it's been three years. Almost four, actually. I'd like to think I'm better than losing sleep over something that happened that long ago." She looked abashed. He finished with a scoff. "Besides, it's not like I've been lying around doing nothing; when would I honestly have time to care?"

She said nothing. Minutes seemed to blend into a mix of people buzzing in and out of the cafe. Murmurs became voices, and he relaxed in his booth-seat, his eyes transfixed as they measured the people coming through. But then she spoke. It was so soft, he almost missed it. "I know you too well."

"Really," he laughed, a brow raised. He didn't know what was building. If it wasn't anger, it was surely tension. "Do you now?"

"I do."

The pen snapped. The words were too much. The unflinching look in her eyes as she stared right at him and said those words. His lips hurt, but he pursed them, hoping to soothe the building pyre before it exploded. "No," he said at length. "You did."

He stood up and paid for the two of them and never once looked back at her.

Strength evaporated and she collapsed into a slouch, her heart cracking a bit further with the passing of each second. She stared at the perfect recreation of her face on the pages left behind, another apology on the edge of her lips. No one heard it.

.

.

.

"I'm home… Oof! Easy there," he laughed. A blur slammed into his legs and he felt the familiar grip of insecurity tug at his heartstrings as he reached down for comfort. God, he thought, his mind taken aback by his recent outing, at least there's some things to be glad about.

"But Daaaddy," she whined. She blinked up at him sleepily, her eyes beautiful as ever. She tilted her head and stretched out her arms. "Please?"

"Don't 'Daaaddy' me, young girl," he said. She pouted. He laughed as he bent down to scoop her through the air, a squeal of happiness breaking out as he did so. "Did you miss me, baby?"

Said baby cupped her daddy's cheeks and stared right at him. "Duh, Daddy. Did you get hit with on the head? I always miss Daddy."

A familiar warmth burrowed into his chest as he felt his heart swell. He kissed the crown of her head. "I love you, Kairi."

"Mm, I love you too, Daddy." Kairi nuzzled deeper into the crook of his neck, and another layer of warmth built itself in his heart. It began to crawl throughout his frame as she yawned slowly and rubbed at her eyes.

God, he thought. It was amazing to see one's own child and realize how much they could be loved. "Well, I think it's time for you to get bed."

She gasped. "Ooh, what are we reading today?"

"Hmm," he kissed her head again. "I dunno. How about…"

"Harry Potter," she shouted, fists raised. There was a twinkling in her eyes that reminded him so much of himself in his younger years.

"Again?"

"Mhm. It's the bestest! Right after Doraemon and Totoro!"

"Alright, sweetie. But we gotta get ready for bed first. Bad teeth is a no-no; they'll fall right out of your mouth if you don't take care of them, remember?"

"'Kay," she nodded. And off they went.

He gently set her down on the bed and watched as she crawled under the sheets. The smile across his skin was natural as sin as he couldn't help but let the warmth from watching he settle into his heart. She was definitely his child. "Which one do you want today?"

"Uhm… Book three! It's got a doggie!" He stifled a laugh but couldn't suppress his smile as he reached for said book. Sirius Black, mass murderer and playboy-heartthrob, endeared to his little girl as just a doggie. Probably had a lot to do with the plushie she was currently cuddling, he supposed.

.

.

.

He sighed as he shut the book. It took longer for her to sleep than usual, even with her gentle irises drooping and her loose smile. His daughter's attempts at paying attention were adorable, but unhealthy. Eventually, she fell into the depth of her dreams, a small smile painted across her innocent countenance.

"Sorry," he whispered. He was upset with himself; he knew he spent too much time out. She expected him back earlier. He wondered if she thought about him at dinner. It was rare that he wasn't there to pick her up after school, and even rarer that they missed a meal together.

His legs took him outside their apartment. The stars were beautiful; if only he could see them and not just the faintest wisps of their light. A night like this needed a smoke. But his daughter always wrinkled his nose when he did; instead, he reached for his phone.

"Hello, Komachi? Thanks for coming over to watch Kairi. Of course I'm going to thank you." He paused. "...What? No, I'm not going to get back together with her. I'm not that big of an idiot. Anyway, I'm not sure if this is funny, ironic, or both. She wants my help. Legally, I mean. Yeah."

Komachi made some indistinguishable sounds as the realization of what events were in due process seemed to kick her brain into gear. Her muffled voice murmured, "...You know I'm just worried about you, right, Nii-chan?"

"Aah. I get it, I get it. There's always space to worry. Realistically, I would have accepted if she and I were strangers." He paused. "Genuine strangers, rather. I don't think I'd be able to walk through the process with her. I'd make more than just a mistake."

His sister agreed; and despite her loathing for her brother's former paramour, she couldn't help but suggest "I think that you could recommend her to someone else though."

He scoffed. "Yeah, what others want to talk to me, the demon who gets every one of his clients the perfect divorce; the single moron whose only proof of any relationship perfectly showcases why he's in the profession?"

"Onii-chan… you… you idiot, nincompoop, Hachiman!" No hesitation. Ah, well, he was used to her insults. "Don't talk about Kairi like that, you, you… Ooh…"

"I'm sorry. It's just that it is what it is. But I don't know how to juggle this. I don't want to get involved… and yet I just can't bring myself to turn away if it's going to bring me profit. Plus, there's a part of me that feels this would be a resolution."

"You mean you can't help because it's her," Komachi shot scathingly. "Don't do it."

The two siblings let silence settle between the two of them, much like their time spent together as two youths on a shared couch. A chill broke the quiet as a breeze swept by and he spoke up, "... Yeah, you're right. I can't. I think I'll pass them onto Yukinoshita's office; I'll give her a call tomorrow."

"Promise. Promise that you'll call her first thing tomorrow."

"Alright, alright. Anyway, goodnight, Komachi. Say hello to Kawasaki for me."

"We're in love, we're insane;

What's the sun without the rain?

I guess we'll find out as we go..."

~Royal Pirates

"Daddy, why don't I have a mommy anymore?"

He choked. Blinked. Choked again. Talk about coming of of left field, he mused. He cleared his throat but the words hung themselves dry. "Uh…"

"What happened to her? Did I do something wrong?" Her voice was so broken that he saw himself twenty years earlier, asking his dad the very same thing. She climbed into his lap and hugged his neck. "Why didn't she want us?"

His heart sank. His little girl was more perceptive than he gave her credit for. But, this couldn't have come from just nowhere. A hint of fear and malice struck him as he asked, "Was someone picking on you in school? Did anyone say anything to you?"

Kairi shook her head. "Nuh uh. It wasn't nobody. But I just saw someone's mommy pick him up after school, and I just thought where mine was. You told me she had to go far, far away, but… Daddy, that means she chose to go far from us. She left us, Daddy…" the last words were whispered with such shame.

He took a deep breath before taking the two of them to the rocking chair. He needed the motions as much as his baby did. "You're right, Kairi. She did leave. She made her choices. So she's not with us anymore."

"But what I if I want to see her?"

"...Do you really..?" He supposed he should have thought about this. What child didn't wonder where their mother was or how she were doing?

"...Yeah." The certainty in her voice made him surrender.

"Give me a while, kiddo, and I'll get her to see you. Or at least I'll try. That's all I can do." He didn't have the heart to ask Kairi what she would do if her mother said no. The ice around his chest, the lead in his lungs, the sudden incapability to seize the air; it was too much.

"Thanks, Daddy."

God, he thought. He didn't know her smile could hurt so much. He swallowed thickly. "Just… just don't get your hope us, Kairi," he whispered into her hair as he pulled her closer. "I just can't bear to see you hurt." It already began to hurt him, he didn't say.

"But I have you for when it hurts, right?" She sniffled against him. He reciprocated. "That's why it'll be okay, Daddy."

Kairi fell asleep not long after, and he slid her into bed. He sat by her side, clutching a hand that seemed so tiny within his own. God, he thought again, a hand raking what felt like greying locks. He wondered if she still had the same number. Would she even bother to answer? It had been a year since Kaori and Saika divorced, and another since he had met her in that cafe.

He wondered what she was up to; was she smiling? Was she happy? Was she miserable? Did it matter? After all, she left them. Taking a deep breath, he punched in a number. And waited.

"Hello, Hikigaya-kun?"

"Hey." His throat felt gnarled and scratched; words had rarely been hard for him, even when wits were scrambled. But, when things concerned the safety of his family, his little Kairi, the world seemed to stop. The threats and scares multiplied tenfold because they weren't just his own.

"What's wrong? You shouldn't sound so tired when talking to your Onee-sama, you know? Even if you are calling me at a late hour. Oh my, did you want to meet up for a late night affair?"

He suppressed a chuckle, having gotten used to her antics over the years. The itching only got worse. His throat dried further as he voiced his concern. "Haruno, she wants to see her mother."

"Ah. Explains the panic. Well, everyone knew this day was going to come sooner or later; but knowing you, that everyone didn't include the loner."

"Sharp as ever, aren't you? Yeah, so I have no idea what I'm supposed to do or how to go about this. I don't want her back in our - my - lives. I just… I can't. Do you know? Everytime I think about what went wrong, I just can't help but think it was my fault. Everytime I wonder what I should have done, I can't help remembering how betrayed I felt. But Kairi asked." And he could never deny her, they both thought.

The sigh he received in response made him hear the tutting in her voice. "Then isn't it obvious, Hikigaya-kun? You already know what you need to do. It's cute that you're calling me for support, but it's not a good look for you. In some ways, you haven't changed much at all. You need to wear a little more of the confidence you used to show me."

"And people wonder ask why we're friendly with one another. As usual, it's been a pleasure, Mrs. Hayama," he snarked. She hadn't said much; she normally didn't. But she always did know what to say.

"Geez, stab a girl where it hurts, why don't you." The trill in her voice never failed to make him smile. He envisioned the way her chest heaved as her lungs filled with laughter, fickle and light. The way her eyes seemed to pierce the world with a blizzard hidden under the smothering sun that bore down on her prey.

Odd how they became close, but he would never trade it for anything. He replied, "You're a girl? What happened to being all woman?"

"But wouldn't you know all about my being all woman," she shot back teasingly. "After all, I was still a girl until I met you."

"Oh, we're going there now?"

"We were there, but who knows where we're headed now, Hikigaya-kun. Well, are you feeling any better? Do you still need your onee-san to hold your hand?"

"Quiet, you."

"But then why'd you call me? Oh, I see; you just want to preach to the choir! Oh, you horrible, horrible human being! Detestable, boring little boy."

"Heh. At least I know that when the world crumbles around me, you're still able to lash out."

The two of them discussed their differences of the week until he felt his limbs grow weary and he heard yawning from the end of his phone.

He glanced down at his watch. "Hm, I'll have to end this call, actually. It's getting a bit too late for my tastes. Tell Hayama I said hello, won't you? And tell you what, next time we meet, you come over and I'll cook."

"Aren't you a little devil, seducing a lady with flavors? Even worse, you know I'd never say no. Good night, Hachiman."

"Same to you, Haruno."

He sighed as he sat, face in his palms. He thought about how much he didn't understand just how much he understood himself. She was right. The answer was, always had been, obvious. It wasn't anything difficult.

But, he wondered, was it too late to try? Was it ever too late for anything? His eyes caught the ticking of a hand as it passed midnight. Huh. The immunity of ignorance was a magic that only lasted so long.

He drew a sharp breath and dialed another number. He closed his eyes. And waited. And waited. There was no voicemail. He called again. His fingers shooks as they clutched the phone tightly, as though it were the cure to his madness.

Breathing ragged, he let himself loose. By the end of the third call, relief flooded his veins. Or was it happiness that flooded his veins, he wondered. Regardless, he felt that he had played his part and headed to bed.

"I'm sorry, Kairi."

"I never sleep, cuz sleep is the cousin of death"

~Nas

"Kairi, make sure not to stay out too late."

She paused, the laces of her shoes stuck on her fingertips. She called down the hallway, "Aww, Dad, c'mon. I'm thirteen now. That's old enough, right?"

Footsteps clacked through the apartment, a trail of hooves that seemed a dreadnaught of finality. They stopped right behind her, the voice that accompanied them stern. "You can stay out enough to do your after school clubs and activities, but not much more than that. Besides, those take up a lot of time. Back in my day, they ate almost all the free time I had."

"But there's still hours left before the end of the day, and there are so many places to go! Chiba is so big, Dad, and I feel like you never really let me see all of it."

"Kairi… Please? For me?"

She pouted. Her Dad was too mean! He was like a dragon, or a demon lord! Hikigaya Hachiman was the final boss when he used those words to activate his most powerful spell. "Fiiine."

"Was that a hmph or a giggle?"

She stuck her tongue out at him and walked out the door, hopped her bike and made her way through the streets of Chiba. Said streets were full of life and she wondered if her dad ever saw them the same way. He smiled with her more than he smiled anywhere else, but it was hard to get him to smile when they were out together. His eyes just kept dancing around.

A couple walking slowly together caught her eye - for just a moment! She always watched the road! - and she wondered what it was like to be interested in someone like that. She'd never felt the attraction settle in or any pull that caught anything more than a passing glance.

Maybe, she thought as she pulled into school, it was the result of seeing how broken her father's face was when her mother left them. Maybe, she thought as she smiled at one of her nameless friends, it was how hurt her father felt when he saw her getting harrassed by other kids' parents. Or maybe, she thought as she answered a math question, it was just the fact that her dad didn't seem to trust anyone at all.

She had no doubt he loved her and no doubt he loved his friends, but the sentences between his lips and the actions mellowed in the staleness. He was a broken shell of a human, and she couldn't help but correlate that to how much it hurt to realize that his best friend and wife had been having an affair.

"So, Kairi, are you coming out with us later? We're going to karaoke after doing some shopping."

"Nah, Dad asked me to do something so I can't."

The other girl nodded, used to Kairi's excuses, "Maybe next time," she smiled, a plastic expression crinkling the lines of her skin. "You should come with us to a mixer or something."

"Sure," Kairi smiled back. Lunch seemed especially long today; she glanced around and remembered how droll the borders of the classroom were in comparison to the life she saw outside. She hummed as she finished her dishes dutifully and set them on the inside of her desk before she strode up to the rooftop.

The clouds seemed so free as they danced to their own rhythms, and she wondered why they had to be far away. Her fingers reached out as though to cup them, holding them in a pinch. Wispy, fleeting gems. "Haah…" She closed her eyes as she laid flat on her back.

She wanted to be free, too. "Desperate for changing, starving for truth; I'm closer to where I started, I'm chasing after you…"

Life wasn't very kind in some ways when the clouds could do so much by being so little. She thought about how it reflected the awesomeness of the Earth itself. The world itself was amazing, but it was little more than a speck of nothing in the grandness of the universe - but in this little blot, billions, trillions, of blips of unique things moved about.

Maybe Nara Shikamaru really was the smartest person of his age; he knew that cloud-watching was the best, Kairi thought to herself. The sky's beautiful blues were complemented by the fact that even the slightest of breezes made her shiver. The very feeling of feeling itself made her wonder why living was so full of it when it was obvious that people learned how to assume the state of numbness as all things walked on.

Perhaps she was simply an inductee of an asylum; was Japan real? Was Chiba a construct of her mind; or was reality itself just bubbles of a three-dimensional sandbox confined within a toy from a four-dimensional perspective? Were people even the same species? After all, the differences between her and the next one over were vast; the similarities could be ignored, in spite of the large number of those, she firmly believed.

Kairi blinked. She wondered if she should have told her father to stop reading David Foster Wallace and Nietzsche.

"Oi, Hikigaya. What do you think you're doing?"

She didn't bother to look up; the voice wasn't really annoyed. Not even the slightest big of exasperation decorated her bright, bubbly tone. Well, as bubbly as a teacher watching over hordes of prepubescent, and budding, teenagers could be. "Hi, Isshiki-sensei."

"Hmph." Kairi could hear her pout. She shivered. A woman at her age doing that?

"What's with that face, Kairi-chan? I get the feeling you're not thinking something nice about your teacher, you know?"

Guh. "No idea what you're talking about. What are you doing up here anyway, sensei?"

"Hmm… Can't I just be looking out for my Senpai's little girl?"

Kairi frowned. "So you're up here because Dad asked you to be, huh?"

"Nah, I mean, sort of? He told me was worried about you lately. Besides, I…" Her voice trailed off. She shifted, but not uncomfortably. "Ah. Nevermind."

Kairi sighed. "Why do you like my Dad so much?" It wasn't much of a secret; Isshiki-sensei never hid it, even from the time that she started showing up to their house twice a month. "I mean… It's not weird, but… I just don't get it. You're so cool, Sensei, when you're at school, but you kind of melt when you see Dad. Not in the gross way, though."

Her teacher was quiet. Kairi wondered how Sensei could bear her torch for so long - she couldn't remember the first time she noticed, but it had been years. The shyness, the flush; the teasing. Her dad wasn't great with women, but Kairi also knew he wasn't an idiot. Sort of. Most of the time.

"Eehh… Senpai is just Senpai. He's not very handsome, but he's charming in his own way. You know, it's funny. When I was your age, all I thought about was how cool people were. I thought I was in love with someone else, and for the longest time, I chased that person with Senpai's help."

Isshiki-sensei laughed, and she sounded off, as though the past was really that distant. Maybe it was for adults, Kairi surmised. She scrunched her forehead. Sensei never looked that old, though. "Of course, I knew that he was always there along the way but… I guess it just seemed like he was only a friend. Oh, and it's not like he was looking at me either."

Kairi had heard the stories. She couldn't imagine her dad in his youth, filled with hope, dreams, and an innocence she had only heard that she wore. He didn't like talking about his relationships with his friends, but she always saw how they continued to play out. "What changed any of that? For you, at least."

"I don't know."

Eh? Kairi's eyes furrowed. "That doesn't make any sense, Sensei."

"Exactly. I didn't exactly know figure anything out. It just happened. I just woke up one day and it wasn't a realization, it just came somewhere down the journey. Kind of like Gimli's and Legolas's friendship." Isshiki-sensei yawned. "But I don't think anything will come of it, you know?"

"That's kind of depressing and somewhat relieving, considering it's my dad that we're talking about."

"What, do you want me to make you call me 'Mom' instead of 'Auntie?'"

"Ew, no. Besides, I don't need a mom to take Dad away from me." Her 'real' mother was barely a memory at this point, even though she saw her four times a year now. It was a weird uphill battle that she took on her shoulders. The fruits of her labor were only downhill results. It was a bit disheartening to come to the conclusion that she was glad that woman chose to walk out on them.

After all, the women in her life may not have birthed her, but they were all pieces of a homemade pie that was enough mother for her.

"You're definitely Senpai's daughter alright…"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Anyway, lunch is about to end. Let's head back to class, okay?"

Adults were weird, Kairi thought as the scratching of chalk drizzled into white noise. But only sometimes.

"You and me have seen everything to see

From Bangkok to Calgary

And the soles of our shoes

Are all worn down; the time for sleep is now,

And we'll hold each other soon… in the blackest of rooms…"

~Death Cab for Cutie

"Gah. Stop that, Yukinoshita." Two sets of brows rose. "Yes, I meant both of you, you psychos. Why do you both have to lecture me for my stupidity; one of you is enough. Besides, it's not like I don't understand what I did. Whether it's wrong or right isn't for either of you to say."

Yukinoshita Yukino sighed as she sat on the bed beside him, slid her hand into Hikigaya Hachiman's, and gave it a comforting squeeze. "You've never been a bad parent, but there are some lines you don't cross, you idiot, sleaze, Hachiman…"

The elder Yukinoshita's laughter rang throughout. "I mean, telling your sixteen year old daughter that she has to get dating out of her head isn't really going to work and banning her from any relationships at all is monumentally stupid. Not to mention hypocritical, considering that when you were sixteen you were up to much worse things."

"Yeah, well, if I had to do it over again, maybe I wouldn't have done some of those horrible things," he grunted, putting his face into his palms.

"Ouch. Wounded much," Haruno joked, a hand to her chest as she clutched her heart in imaginary, and exaggerated, pain. "How could I ever bear such an insult?"

"Look on the brightside," Hikigaya shot back, "you're married now so you'll never have to do this horrible thing again either."

Yukino's face started to green, though from envy or disgust neither could tell. "Nee-san, Hikigaya-kun, please… do not bring up such imagery. It is entirely unneeded. Regardless, we should turn our attentions back to the problem at hand. Is this the first time Kairi has shut herself off from you completely?"

"Honestly? Yeah. Considering what my parents did to me, I strove to do the exact opposite." Both Yukinoshitas seemed silently impressed by the admission. They, after all, were not much different in that regard, but the discussion of Hikigaya Hachiman's parents was rare, often forced, and better off left in the dust. "Not to mention that adults, in children's eyes, are part of the evil in the world until they become that evil, only to learn it's not evil at all."

The ironic bitterness in his laughter was also not lost on either of the sisters. The younger sighed. "You really don't have a way with words when it comes to how other people think, do you Hikigaya-kun. I guess it'll be up to me to talk to her. Until I'm done, please remember that, like my sister said, she is now married, you pervert, lech, Hachiman."

"Hey! I resembled that, you know." The past tense in his statement caused Yukino's hand to pause for the briefest of moments as opened the door and walked out. "She's still got a lot of lightening up to do, Haruno. Even Iroha isn't this bad when she's irritated."

"Well, considering the fact that I'm sister, I'm sure that probably is a knife-wound deeper than a scratch."

"Hey, I don't give Komachi any flack for shacking up with Kawasaki!" Haruno stared at him drily. "Okay, fine, I don't give her any flack anymore, alright? I got over it ages ago when I realized how much Komachi smiled whenever she was with her. Better her than that insect."

"Oh, I'm sure," the elder Yukinoshita sibling drolled drily. "They definitely do not have any-"

"You don't want to go there with me."

"We've already been there, Hachiman."

"..."

Her giggles made him crack a smile and he drifted off into space. It was hard being a parent, he came to realize, but he wouldn't trade his time and life with Kairi for anything. Slowly, the world came back into focus after a couple of blinks. Huh. He thought he had gotten over that bad habit.

He glanced at Haruno, who seemed caught up in the images across her phone, and wondered if being a single parent had long-term negative effects on his daughter. He withheld a sigh as the sight of her ring always made him confused. It surely wasn't envy, and it certainly wasn't disgust or contempt that he felt for having missed out on her.

Perhaps, the loner thought, it was merely curiosity. Was it the level of trust which he surrendered to her? That he felt he could freely venture, if only in his mind, the possibilities that were? He knew he didn't love Haruno, not in the way her husband did, but his past relationship with her always left him unsatisfied. But, he mused, "what ifs" were best left that way. At least she was content with her current state of affairs.

"Do you wish you had any kids, Haruno?"

The slightest shift in her expression made him shiver. It was the only hint that she was remotely displeased. "Of course." Obviously. "But unfortunately," she smiled, a predator stalking her prey, "I had the luck of being married to someone who really can't produce." Ouch, Hikigaya thought. He felt that one, even if the comment was for Hayama.

"I'd say sorry if I was. But honestly, seeing you like that was more refreshing than seeing you all done up or all undone. It's nice to know that Hayama Haruno still has a bit of Yukinoshita Haruno in her. That side of you is probably how we became friends."

She laughed again, crowing in the victory of his smile. And this side of Hachiman was always hers. She said, "Look at the smooth-talker in you. And yet you still struggle with that little fox and my little sister."

"Er… Admittedly, everyone knows I'm a bit unhinged when it comes to you. It's just easy to be clean, even if being around you makes me feel filthy." What was once a bond of fear and revulsion became one where such emotions were accepted, embraced, curbed, and understood: they were the roots of a greater tree, a foothold in the fortress Hikigaya called life. After all, the rot of life was as much of the cycle.

"That's not nice to say to a woman." Haruno didn't disagree. Wabi sabi was something that, funnily enough, he taught her and she adored it to the fullest. The two shared another chuckle.

"It's not nice to anyone, but I'm just anyone and I'm not nice. You're not anyone either, no matter who tells you what. You're just you. Honestly, sometimes I wish I stuck to my guns and fought for you, but there's no way I'd have won against Hayama in the long-run."

"Oh, Hachiman, you set my heart aflutter! Hmm… Well, the marriage isn't bad once you get used to waking up somewhere else." It wasn't that he was unfamiliar with her habits, but it still forced an expression of disgust onto his face. She rolled her eyes. "Oh please, if it was you, I wouldn't be doing what I do; besides, it's not like I never stay with him."

"That's not the point," he grumbled. "Well, could be worse. You could actively hate him or try to undermine him. Nightly activities aside, you guys can have some decent conversation; you can at least admit you're happy."

"Fair enough. He treats me as a queen, which is to be expected but…" her voice trailed off. "It's just so dull, the way he does it. But at the same time, that flash in his eyes is nothing but effort and perseverance. Even if it took him a lot more work to win my hand, he's never once rested on his rotted laurels."

"Huh. Well, aside from Kawasaki, Orimoto, and you, I'm not sure I've ever really thought about 'winning' much at all; all of you guys were lottery picks, but I kind of hit the brick wall with each and every one of you. The jackpot is just a dream."

"How is the little witch, anyway?"

"We're not on talking terms, really. Kairi's the barest thread connecting the two of us, and it's not by much. After I sent her toward your sister instead of personally helping her out, she seems to have developed a rather languid fetish for despising me, which, I suppose, isn't too unusual at all."

"You two seem to be having a good time," Yukinoshita the younger cut in, Kairi behind her. "Though I would prefer if you two kept your dirty-talking to yourselves with a minor, specifically your daughter, Hikigaya-kun, present."

He waved his hand. "She's known her 'Auntie Haruno' and I have had our fair share of fun; she also sees your sister and completely understands she's barmy and would never be her mother. And my daughter," he paused, catching her gaze as he did so, "should realize that dating is part of the reason I'm a bit messed up. I rushed too much into things. It's fine to be young, really..."

His attention turned toward Yukino again. "But chasing after Kawasaki as a fifteen year old wasn't really too productive on my personal growth, if you recall; somehow, two dates turned into a complete disaster, she and I were in emotional turmoil and then three months later your sister and I somehow ended up on her couch. Or mine."

Kairi opened her mouth in protest, "Ew, dad. Even if I know this, I don't need to know this. Besides, that's totally not going to happen to me."

All three adults looked at her drily. "Yeah, that's not going to fly, Kairi. No one knows what's going to happen; obviously, it's not that none of us don't trust you, but if you asked literally anyone, me getting together with Haruno at any point was, I believe described by Komachi as, 'cosmically impossible; a statistical anomaly that defies the odds of even the universe's coming together.'"

"Wow. That neither of you two disagreed is pretty amazing, Aunties." They shrugged; the truth was the truth. Still, Kairi stubbornly stuck to her point. "But Dad, you just have to let it be. This is a part of growing up and it's a part of youth, even if youth is nothing but lies."

He sighed. "Just wait another year, or something. I don't know if you genuinely have an interest in someone right now, and I really do not want to nor need to know that. I know it's not easy to bear with someone like me as your father, and even harder to come to grips with the fact that I, of all people, really am your father. But I just…" He went solemnly quiet as the words teetered on his teeth.

"I just don't want your heart to get torn in two. I know it's an inescapable event; even me, someone who was very much a loner for his life and scarcely social, ended up shattered into pieces. Twice by the same person, ironically, but that's besides the point. I'm sorry, Kairi."

He took another deep breath. "I just don't want you to scream inside your dreams. But, you know… I can't stop you from living your life. Your world is more than these walls; I just hope you remember that your home is always here, when you need it."

"I was being honest, even made a promise.

Not with anybody else, this was inner conscious;

Talking to myself, that's a little bonkers."

~Lil Dicky

Kairi sighed as she plopped down onto her mattress, the feel of the sheets ruffling her skin with an itch. There was this burning in her that spread; a wildfire that flew into the winds of the four corners. Why was it so hard to just be alive?

Why were people so dumb? It genuinely shocked her to hear some of the things come out of her professors', and her peers', mouths. And the nerve they had to say it all with smiles on their faces. Even worse wasn't the fact that they thought about these things or breathed them alive, it was that they felt they said no wrong.

'Hear no evil, see no evil., speak no evil;' yeah, that was it, she thought, fingers rinsing through her hair as she closed her eyes and leaned into the feel of her pillow. She wished that it was a good time to sleep. The edge of desertion slid between her skin and her thoughts as she yawned into a hand.

The college life, her college life, she amended, was a whirlwind. Of disappointments and aspirations that died with finely-tuned fingers playing the world's smallest violins. Why was university so much worse than high school? Didn't people say that these were some of the best years of their lives? That they discovered themselves and found their passions?

What a joke, she thought. After a year of living on her own, Kairi could safely say that it wasn't so much a waste of time and money as much as it was a true education. Just not in any classroom.

The blackness behind closed eyes danced pictures about her, and Kairi yawned again. Her brain couldn't help but replay how upset her partner was when she told him she refused to work on their project with him as the last two times had just ended with them going out to a restaurant and avoiding work. It was cute, sort of. The first failure was excusable to her; she fancied herself somewhat distracting, as well as distracted, but two in a row?

Fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me, her dad drilled into her. She (sometimes… rarely...) hated when her dad was right, like any child should when the world once again affirmed that they were all but children with an appetite for knowledge but a taste for self-confidence.

Don't jump into college unless you know you want it, he said. Kairi remembered giggling and dismissing that thought; everyone went to college, she told him. He himself did, she reminded him. It was funny before she actually started living outside the comfort of her old home. Away from the clutches of her overbearing father for the first time.

Flashes of the best of his speeches seemed to nag more powerfully than ever before.

Apply to as many jobs as you can find; look for as many activities that disinterest you as much as you imagine the ones that do interest you. Walk a little longer, but don't run unless you can chase. Think whom you can be, but be who you are.

She nodded along throughout the many speeches but she was currently speechless as she blinked on and off, her vision clicking to filter the film she called boredom and time. Her eyes caught sight of an unfinished copy of a manuscript, the notebook buried at under a pile of other paper collections. Her eyes flicked upward as she she thought about how amazed she was with D.J. MacHale and how he made her leave Second Earth, but wished that of all the Earths there were, the Middle one was hers.

It had been over a month since she had seen her father. Still, he was everywhere she turned, and she wasn't at all bothered by it, in spite of what her peers seemed to laugh about. Every message, every call, from him precious.

Her phone buzzed at the foot of her bed. Ugh, she sighed, her chain of memories interrupted. Ouch. Her foot knocked off a hard-covered book. She caught a glimpse of some texts she had kicked around her room. Her minors in philosophy and psychology played a fair contribution to the cynicism she inherited from her father, but she wondered if this process of adulthood was truly unique to every individual.

After all, there were seven billion humans and only so many possibilities, in spite of the infinities in the universe. History was just a picture of bytes that didn't know they were an intertwined set of spheres; the thought itself a circle or some pair concentric, she giggled.

The dishes sat unwashed as she groaned into another yawn. She really didn't want to get out of bed - it had been a long day of unsuccessful outings with her friends in search of something interesting. To them, interesting meant men and women to sleep with. To her, it meant finding gems that glowed under the dirt. And unfortunately, her searches seemed to always end up in empty caves.

No dragons, no dungeons. Just emptiness. And what was worse was that some of more decorated caves were the most barren.

Her roommates, she thought as the rush of running water gushed over the filth that speckled the silverware, were people she got on with just fine, but she wished that they had a bit more flavor. Was she that pitiable that her father's friends and groups that much more colorful?

Of her the two others she lived with, the first was too studious and the second barely lived with them at all. The best that they saw of one another was in between the showers and morning walks to class, if even that. None of them wanted to talk, and none of them talked of wants; the lack of dreams made her shiver as she realized that dreams were just that to the people she saw on the streets, in seats, and even sometimes behind sheets.

Not that she ever found what she was searching for; but then again, that was what the rest of her life was about. She barely touched the second decade of life and wondered when life would caress her back. There was no shortage of paths, but the rosy roads had less thorns than she imagined.

It was beyond cold, she mused. Numbing wasn't enough to describe it either. Depressing? No; close, but not quite. Dehumanizing was the best to describe it, she supposed, but then again, if this was what people were about, wasn't their emptiness the embodiment of being human?

Drip. Drop. Kairi dried her hands with a towel as she returned to her room. She glanced at the wall, and the hands displayed that it was half past ten. From the edge of her window, she leaned over and saw shapes flit in and out, an urging clicking in her bones. Kairi sighed.

Her shoes slipped on before her brain wore its thoughts for sleeves, her strides questions in the blankness of Chiba. Kairi wondered where her feet would find themselves. To the next great adventure, she thought.

"I heard the reverberating footsteps

Synching up to the beating of my heart;

And I was positive that unless I got myself together

I would watch me fall apart"

~Matt Thiessen

Hmm he thought. What a sight to wake up to, he mused. The room was dreary, like any other hospital. White. Fields of it; hills of it. Waves and rolls. Everything smelled unpleasantly clean, a freshness that came only with the murder of other scents.

He hated the smell. It clung on like leeches, but tumbled off the body in silent desperation, desiring to go unnoticed and yet never had the capability to do so. The scent shook the world as it clawed through the nostrils. Though he could tell it had been a while since he showered. Covering the smell never removed the disgust from the one's own skin.

His eyes wandered about and he heard the door open. Surprisingly, he was rather unsurprised that she was here, given the circumstances. "You're not looking too bad, Orimoto."

"Yeah, well, you too. You don't look too roughed up to say the least." She looked like she had worse words on her tongue but held them back. So even she could be moderate when the situation called for it.

He waited for her eyes to dance around, much like his had done. They didn't.

"Considering this is the third car I've been hit by, I'd like to say with certainty that this is the worst of the three." He winced as pain laced his lower back. He stifled a grunt as raised himself up. Kairi was still asleep at the foot of his bed. He tried not to shift; he didn't want her waking. "So, what brings you here? This definitely isn't your first time coming around."

She moved to set some flowers into the vase by the nightstand. They didn't ease the hospital stench much, but it was an effort he appreciated. "I can't want to say my condolences and see how my ex-husband's doing?"

Can we be friends again?

Her eyes met his. The contest was jarringly slow; not agonizing, but the pause held its weight. He swallowed. "Well, you could and you are; but the last time we talked, you seemed to be much more interested in the ring on my finger than the one on your own. Congratulations, by the way, I guess."

No.

Her eyes were distant. She blinked once. Then again. She crackled the smallest of smiles as she heaved out a breath. "Thanks. But you can't blame a girl for being curious, can you?"

Do you hate that I'm trying?

No, he thought. He really didn't. Still, "Relax already. I've not intention of telling you, and you don't need to tell me. We're done. Been done. Honestly, we're forty-five now."

It's fine. It's just… it's too much. I can't. You can. But not there's no us, even where there's history.

"Okay. Well," she breathed heavily again as she pulled a chair over. "At least let me know what you've been up to."

Can you give me today?

The corners of her lips twitched with uncertainty. Fear, he realized. That was always the tic that gave away her anxiety. He realized her fingertips were shaking. Was it anticipation? It wasn't mere insecurity. Her fingers melded together as she laced them. He couldn't reason it out.

"Well, Kairi's been seeing someone; not sure how much you know about that."

I can try.

His once-partner was silent for a while. She turned to face the windows, her voice softer as she let the syllables peek through her soul. "I didn't know that. But I also didn't want to know that. Why won't you tell me about you?"

Try harder.

He twitched. He croaked out a laugh, the pain flooding in a multitude of directions and from all sorts of places. This woman, he thought. From girlhood until now, this was one of the most beautiful parts of who Orimoto Kaori was; her vision may have been short-sighted at times, but she always saw something. And she knew that she had to chase it, no matter where it led her.

Her voice rang loud and clear, in spite of the years. And for some reason, it made his heart clench. A reason that he knew deeply and held dearly; a reason that left him as he walked right on and into the arms of new embraces, fresh memories, and a thorny road with flickers of wisps dancing about its haunted stalks. But he wouldn't toss the offered branch.

"Honestly, ever since I quit being a lawyer, I've had some of the happiest days of my life. The money's not the same, but I'm glad I have enough to be happy. It's not like when I was younger, to say the least."

Their eyes met again, and memories filtered between the two of them. Crying and hugging and screaming and the faintest whispers of childhood in the background. Laughter was there too, as the two of them heard a knell they hadn't recalled in years, and the warmth of tender hold from arms that snaked around flesh, coiled in protectiveness and mired in hunger.

"That's good. How many books have you written? Or are you teaching now?"

"A bit of both, honestly. I help out at a local high school and sometimes at universities if they need me. I spend most of my days collaborating with my partner. You might've seen her pseudonym around."

"Utako Kasumi?"

"Am I really that obvious?" Am I still that easy for you to see?

"Pretty much." Of course.

"Well, it's been a fun ride. She's a pleasure to work with, at least by my standards. Works hard, is obsessive with her work, and doesn't bother me unless absolutely necessary."

"She sounds exactly like someone I know," Kaori smiled at him. The faintest of grins on his own lips, he scratched the back of his head. She continued, "Why, if I didn't know better, I'd say that you two were actually friends."

At that, he scoffed. "Yeah, sure. I've already got enough crazy people in my personal life. Another's not as welcome, despite what it might seem. She's definitely someone who's fit like a glove for my professional pursuits though. And she's open to giving and getting space at the weirdest times, so it's not like we talk that much. Just when we feel the need."

"She must be really good if you're willing to talk this much about her." I didn't even need to prod; you're opening on your own, huh? Guess you've always been a bit of a late bloomer.

"Ah. Well… I guess so." He shuffled a bit and heard mumbling.

Their daughter started to stir as she yawned and rubbed her eyes. They saw the mix of their own souls and in the panes that once gave a young couple hope, the world abound in her irises as she drank in the strange sight in front of her.

She turned her head and blinked. Kairi didn't know it, but both of her parents' thoughts were consumed with comparisons to themselves. They whispered without speech, "She's so much like you."

The silence didn't last. Kairi frowned as she nervously bit her lip, "Dad, are you okay with her being here?"

"Well, I'm not entirely against it. We were catching up with one another, I guess, until you woke up. How's your neck feel? I know that's not the most comfortable way to sleep."

His daughter glared at him. "Stop changing the subject, you idiot, dummy, Dad…"

The third-wheel raised her brows at this. "Huh. Guess everyone seems to describe you that way," she added with a snicker as she looked to her pouting daughter. "I can't believe people still do that though. Not that it's not cute, seeing the two of you like this."

He smiled faintly. His lips opened as he pursed his brain for words, but the thoughts fell flat. The rays of sunset pierced the veil of illusion, and the thudding of reality galloped in, a charge on horseback that suddenly dawned at the front gates.

The waiting was killing him; the lids of his eyes fell into black. He blinked. His gaze met honeyed gems as he mouthed, "Thank you." His heart asked, Are you happy?

His only answer was a smile. "I'd best be going, I suppose," were the words that took the place of closure. I can only dream, she seemed to say. I can only try; because the world around me is the only thing I have.

"It was nice of you to come by." We can't be friends. But if there's one thing in the world I understand more than anyone else, it's loneliness. If you need someone, I'm sorry I can't be that person. If you need help, I still have two hands and two legs. We just can't turn back the clock; the fork has been here, and we've stood our own gaits as we strode along our ways. Don't come back for me; just do what you can.

She left without much noise, and then it was just a father and his beloved daughter.

"How do you two still do it," Kairi asked, puzzled. "You haven't seen each other in years. Not since I graduated high school." How do you even stand one another, she wanted to ask.

"Talking is the art of one's own ability to form words; but speech is a partnership based on experience." Her father's form shrank back as it sank into his bed, tired. The earlier vibrance was almost mythical in comparison. "I don't know how to explain it; you know, I've never been the best with people."

Kairi snorted. That was true, but only to an extent. Her father was a wizard when it came to the psychology of others; perhaps it was the distance. Perchance, the logic. Regardless, he seemed to have little excuses and flaws in execution when he bothered.

The father and daughter sat in silence, waiting for the former to form his sentences. "I'm honestly not sure; maybe it's because I was once in love with her. Maybe it has nothing to do with that. Maybe it's due to me knowing her since I was a child, in spite of the years apart; we grew from children together until we had our own. We lived together; we were friends, once, I believe."

He was off into his own world, held together only by the hand of his daughter as whispered himself into slumber, words softly laying on his tongue. Kairi quietly let him rest as she opened the door and stepped into the night, the streets of Chiba quietly.

Her parents made Kairi wonder if she would ever find happiness. Sure, she had her own significant other at the moment, but it wasn't as though she had long-term plans for, or with, said partner. If relationships were always doomed to fail, she would never have pursued one; growing up the way she did made her fear what it meant to be an adult, to taste the bitterness of departure and the necessity to grasp the facts of life.

Still, she thought to herself as she watched a pair of mother and son, today was strange. Family was a feeling she had only really felt with her father; it had never felt incomplete before, and it didn't today. But seeing her mother and father like that made her wonder just what it meant to be exposed and to have been truly in love.

The tenderness the two of them had for one another wasn't amiss, nor lost on her. And yet, both of them had an edge to their words, a tension that teetered on a catwalk. It was also weird to say that she was the intruding on their space. She had always been curious about what was love, but she couldn't place a finger on the concept of what came after.

Her feet lazily stopped as she waited for the light to change. Clouds drizzled themselves above her, greyness that wanted to sink into the earth in the form of little bubbles and touches. Nightlife buzzed and engulfed the sounds she sang into the sky,

"And I don't want the world to see me

Cuz I don't think that they'd understand;

When everything's meant to be broken,

I just want you to know who I am."

Notes:

This story was one of my first experiences creating an entirely original character that I wanted to fit in-line with my story. I also understand that the characterization in this piece is a bit shoddy. At first, the development was centered around Orimoto and Hikigaya's relationship and how that would affect their daughter as she tried to come back into their lives.

Soon after, the words fell out of my fingertips and it became apparent that that would not be, did not, happen. Orimoto is still an integral part of the story, but more in a background role; she will appear and have an impact, but the focus is more on the dynamics of Hikigaya's life, and the flashes of Kairi's.

I have tried to make the latter portions of this work longer because I truly feel that I want to emphasize the seinen-jousei aspects of this piece, but at the same time I feel I am doing an injustice because the longest part seems to be the very last, and it's not truly seinen, as Hikigaya is already an adult. However, I do not feel that this piece is merely about 'drama,' though the entirety has little plot and is mostly fluff for my venting, I have attempted to put together something that resembles character exploration.

Anyway, for some miscellaneous things: by this point, most of you will note I have an extreme bias for Haruno as a character; and you would be undoubtedly correct. I think she is the most fun to write aside from Hachiman. She's not really supposed to still be in a relationship with Hachiman and she is not a mother to Kairi. However, due to her history with the male protagonist, she has something that none of his other friends do.

In spite of the fact that Yukinoshita and Iroha have, in this piece, been portrayed as friends, who also show some signs of attraction or romantic curiosity toward Hikigaya, they are not his closest confidants. Part of my struggle was working in Totsuka; pairing him as the former best friend as well as Orimoto's partner in crime while maintaining their relative absence as focal points was to show how much further we, as humans, move on from our pasts, even though they heavily define us.

We have friendships that endure the ages; we have some friends with whom we share deep secrets with though we've known them for a tenth of the time we have others. Some of our long-term, childhood friends with whom we have tens or twenty odd years of memories may have a chasm between us at a moment's notice, and I've attempted to emphasize that.

In the end, I believe that the flavor was not there. This story pretty much sums up my defeat and inability to expand as a writer, so I'll probably be taking more risks in future writing, whenever I get around to doing that.

Edit: Attempted to fix some of the lines, as they seemed to have disappeared as I transferred this to ffn, but the formatting doesn't seem to work.