Chapter 1

TOBIAS POV:

"Tris!" I call into the darkness, stumbling and clawing my way to the light up ahead.

I just saw her walk past me, the ghost of her presence still shivering through my body. She had to be just up ahead. I know it. I can feel it.

"Tobias!" I hear her scream, her usually angelic voice, now full of pain and agony.

"Tris!" I yell back, finally seeing her come into view as I approach the light.

Her face is laced with pain until we make eye contact, then they immediately change to ones of hope. I begin to crawl faster, the feeling of walls caving in around me envelope my senses, and the need to escape escalates.

As I become closer and closer to her form, I begin to see another one, one of a man standing slightly to her right. His identity is covered in a blanket of her shadow, but the object that he holds up to Tris's side glimmers in the light. The metal barrel is held against her waist, the man's finger teasing the trigger.

"I will shoot if you come any closer." He speaks, his voice raspy and harsh.

I stop moving instantly, a white hot feeling racing through my body, panic.

"This is your fault, Tobias. She is here because of you," his voice booms as I feel the walls disappear, and instead I'm in the lighted room with Tris and the man.

I sigh, guilt invading my emotions as I speak, "Just let her go, she hasn't done anything wrong."

"It's too late for that," the barrel of the gun presses against her long golden hair, "This is your fault."

Then the gun goes off.

I watch as her body slumps to the ground, and I close my eyes to escape the images. Then the gun goes off again….again….again.

My eyes slam open to my body being rocked with my name coming out of her mouth over and over again, louder each time. Finally I come to my senses and grab her hand from my shoulders and place them at her sides.

"Tobias," Evelyn sighs my name, "finally, I thought you were never going to wake up."

I grunt at her, my mind comprehending that that all was just a dream, or a nightmare I should say. It happens a lot, I usually will wake up sweating as I am now. I haven't ever been woken up by someone, but Evelyn seems to get nervous every time I begin to thrash and yell in my sleep.

"What was it this time?" She asks, sitting next to me as I throw my legs over the edge of the bed and copy her position.

"Nothing I want to talk about." I say, wiping the sweat from my forehead off with the back of my hand.

"Okay, well, I made coffee if you want any."

I sigh, looking at the clock on the nightstand, 9:08 am. Instead of answering, I stand up, walking to the small kitchen and pouring myself a cup. Evelyn follows me out and sits in a chair at the table facing me. I take my coffee pain and pucker my lips as the bitter, hot liquid runs down my throat.

"Don't you want sugar or cream?" Evelyn asks, smirking at me as I make a face with every sip.

"I'll be fine." I answer, deciding to just down the rest to get it over with, as all I need from this cup of coffee is the caffeine it stores.

"So," she starts, standing up and pouring herself a cup, then adding two sugars and a splash of caramel flavored cream. As she stirs it with a spoon, she continues, "Are you planning on attending the get together with your friends today? It starts in a few hours."

I wasn't planning on it, but somehow I knew that if it wasn't Evelyn who forced me to go, Zeke surely would be at my door, waiting for me to join him.

"Yeah."

The annual bonfire, is something that Christina started a year after her death. Basically we all get together around a big fire with booze, and reminisce about our times with the loved ones we lost during the war. I don't enjoy sharing, because mainly they expect me to speak about her, though, if I ever do, I usually end up either too drunk to remember or too sad to talk.

Everyone who attends yearly include; Christina, Cara, Zeke, Shauna, Amar, George, Peter, and most painful of all, Caleb. Caleb took her death pretty hard, not as hard as me of course, but it took a hell of a fight from Cara to cure him from his misery. I still am not cured, though I'm known for being one of the most unemotional guys around the New Chicago. I tend to put my Four mask on at any time I'm interacting with anyone other than Zeke, Amar, or Christina.

Today is her death anniversary of three years, and yet I still have not come to even comprehend how long it's been since I've touched or talked to her.

I try not to think of these types of things as the guilt crushing my lungs is already enough to deal with everyday. Though, as I step into the shower now, the thoughts about the last night I was with her invade my mind.

That night was the best night of my life, and to think of the next day, when I woke up by her side, I hadn't even began to think that that would be the last night I would get a full night's rest. The last night I could wrap my arms around her small body. The last night I would fall asleep without nightmares.

I hurry in the shower, shaking my head side to side as if the images of her body and the thoughts rushing through my mind would vanish. The shower has increasingly become my least favorite place, as the vacant spaces in my head fill with flashes of memories of her.

Thankfully the shower only takes about three minutes more as I wash my body, trying to forget about the images in my head. When I finish, I get dressed in a dark blue t-shirt and some long black jeans. Then, I brush my teeth and shave for the first time this week, also taking my hair and shaving that Abnegation style.

By the time I'm done, and have eaten lunch, which consisted of a piece of toast with peanut butter on it and some french fries on the side, the clock reads 12:57pm. I guess I'm running late for the bonfire, but to be honest, I hate it. All it does is put me in a sad, drunken stupor.

I leave my apartment, shutting the door, and locking it behind me. Evelyn had to go to work, and shouldn't be home before me.

I decide against taking my new car out, as the snow is rough against the wheels and the problems with black ice seem to be getting worse and worse. I throw on my black jacket that I grabbed before exiting my apartment, and start out the front lobby, walking towards the small 'cave' only about four miles away.

The 'cave' is a place we found a while ago in what used to be the Dauntless sector. Everything inside Dauntless remains as it was when the war ended, and I would bet that my old apartment still has the words, Fear God Alone, painted on the wall. A few people have moved back into Dauntless, but most took safety as a main priority and now live in the new apartment buildings.

As I near the entrance of Dauntless next to the train tracks, I notice Zeke pushing Shauna carefully down the snowy hill.

"Hey." I announce, walking faster towards them to help with the incredibly hard task of getting Shauna around on her wheelchair in the snow.

Zeke stops quickly and turns around, "Hey, Four. How are you doing today?"

The question is a stupid one, and I can tell he realizes only after he says it. Shauna also takes notice, reaching up and smacking his face without even turning in her seat.

"That was a dumb question, Zeke." She speaks harshly, "Now just get me down the damn hill."

"Here," I say, going to the front of the wheelchair and grabbing both of the side arm rests, carefully picking it up and out of the snow with Zeke's help from the back.

We are silent as we carry her down the hill, only putting her back to the ground when we reach the door. I open it, allowing Zeke and Shauna to go in first.

They lead the way to the 'cave' in complete silence, only the occasional question asked to me, which I use one word answers to help them shut up. Normally I'm not this rude, but today is an exception, and they both know it.

As we get closer and closer, the loud sound of Christina's voice echoes throughout the walls of Dauntless. She makes it sound as though everyone is already there, waiting upon our arrival.

When we finally get into the opening, the fire heating up the cold draft that Dauntless holds, I take my seat immediately, avoiding further questions from Zeke and Shauna. However, I don't miss the glance that Zeke give Christina as he slightly shakes his head side to side.

"So, Four, how's it goin'," Amar speaks up from my right, handing over a bottle of beer, "Anything new?"

"Nope." I answer, opening the beer and taking a swig.

"Alright, well, I guess that's alright." He mumbles looking away from me and at Christina.

I turn my attention to the fire, the way it crackles and occasionally spits out a few embers that light up the cave walls. It mesmerizes me as I stare at the different orangish-red colors illuminating everyone's faces.

"We should get started." Christina announces before taking her seat to the left of mine. "Four, anything this year?"

Silently I shake my head, taking another big gulp of beer, letting it burn as it goes down. I risk a glance at Christina, her face showing true disappointment, but I ignore it.

"Alright, I guess Amar can start." She speaks, looking across from me at Amar.

"Well, as usual I don't have a lot to say as I was at the Bureau way before I knew a lot of you, but I wanted to say one thing this year. Four, I was close with you the year of your initiation, and I saw how much you struggled to fit in with the others. It had surprised me that the kid from Abnegation that had such a terrifying past, and I worried that you would never find a true family to love and who loved you.

"Now, I hadn't known Tris," As her name leaves his lips, I feel a shiver run down my spine, pain stabbing my heart at every beat, "but when I met her, I was overjoyed at how much you and her had come together. I always looked at you as a son in my life, and seeing you so in love, made me so happy. You were her family, and she was your's."

I hold back the emotions that want to flow out of me, and instead take another drink.

Christina smiles at Amar, "Okay, thank you, Amar. George, anything?"

I zone out as George tells multiple stories about him and Tori as children, and he explains the pain of finding out that his sister died right before getting the chance to find him alive. I watch the fire more intently, nursing the beer in my hand.

"Thanks George." Christina states, then looking to the right of George at Peter.

Peter is always one of the hardest to listen to, beside Caleb's. He always talks about how he wishes that he could redo how he acted to Tris, as the stories he's heard are horrible. People have told him about what he had done to her, and he tells us that he hates that he did that everyday. All I'm thankful for is that he's forgotten some of the most painful memories, resulting in, he never shares them because he has no recollection of them.

Next up is Zeke, "God, I miss Uriah. I remember the nights when he couldn't sleep when we were little and he would come into my room. I let him lie in my bed with me for a while, and all we did was talk. We would talk about our future, how he always imagined himself with Marlene. We talked about what it would be like to grow up, to…."

Zeke stops for a minute, letting one of the tears that was building up fall down his cheek, then takes a swig of his own beer.

"To have our own children and new friends. He told me plenty of times that he had a feeling that he was going to fall in love, and that that girl was going to be a partier like him. Uriah was a funny person, and even in the saddest of times, he would find humor to lighten our moods. He would have been a great father and husband, but what I miss the most is his sense of humor."

I look up from the fire, only to realize that Zeke is staring straight at me. The tears are falling down his cheeks, but when I look into his eyes I read a different emotion. He's not accusing me of killing his brother, as I have accused myself, but his face is full of pity.

"Thank you, Zeke, I for one also miss Uriah's humor." Christina says, looking back at the fire.

Everything said from Shauna is a blur, all I know is that she talked about Lynn, Marlene, and Uriah. By the time she finishes and Cara starts talking, I'm on my second bottle. Cara talks about people I never meet before, but were also killed in the war. Eventually she finishes and up next is the one I've been wanting to skip the whole day, Caleb.

I hear Caleb sigh, and when I glance up at him, I notice that he is already crying silently. Finally he starts talking, but he watches me the whole time he does so.

"Tris. Only after I've finally had gotten used to calling her Tris….sh-she dies. I know full well that it has been three years, and those three years I have been riddled with guilt. I should have died that day. Tris had saved so many lives before mine, and she ends up dying because of me. It's my fault. She wouldn't have shot me, I should've just gotten up and taken the gun from her and done the mission myself…..

"I still don't understand why she was willing to do it. She had Four waiting for her, she would have had a life with Four," pain begins to radiate through my being, so I take another huge gulp of beer, "I had no one, and she had Four. Every time I think about her….I think about how I didn't just kill her….but I killed Four too. I mean, Four's still alive, but no one took her death harder than him. So, Four, I'm sorry, as I say every year, and will continue to repeat every year, I'm sorry."

I nod my head, showing that I accept his apology, though his words feel as though they cut through me like knives. I guzzle down about half of the beer in my hand before I lean back in my chair. Silence engulfs us for a while as we sit and reminisce on the old days before our lives were enveloped in grief.

I sigh loudly, gaining everyone's attention before I start talking for the first time at one of these bonfire's, "When her parents died, I noticed a part of her break inside. I knew she was hurting, but everyday since then she seemed almost suicidal. I kind of figured that she was just too selfless for her own good, but as people kept dying around us, I noticed her ability to always be right where harm was. I love her though, regardless. I think the hardest part for me is knowing that we never said goodbye."

Caleb interrupts me, "That doesn't make any sense, you guys were gone from the dormitories all night, and then the day of the mission you two had to have left each other at some point, saying goodbye."

"Yeah well, we never said goodbye, she had told me she loved me, and then I said, 'I love you, too, i'll see you soon.' I had figured that we would see each other when I got back but….that never happened."

I hear Christina to the side of me choke back a sob, "What the hell? How come….how come you never told us?"

"I guess it just hurts to much to talk about, I think that's one of the things that hurts the most." I reply, shaking my head slightly remembering that moment.

That was also the last time I had ever kissed her, and ever will.

Hi guys, so I haven't posted in quite possibly years, however, I want to get back in the story creating game. This is an idea I had years ago and published on here, although I only got to chapter 6 and then I lost interest and I went through some stuff. I want to actually go along with this now so I'm starting fresh and reposting (a little revised) version of the first 6 chapters and then continue where I left off. Thank you for reading my story, I hope you love it.

~Divergent24-7