Chapter nine -- Loves Oceans
~*~
"Sick partner, worst-case-scenario Sue, and no time to send a message Upstairs... not good." Kate ran a hand through her hair in exasperation, desperately trying to think. "Okay, I'm not going to like this, but I have an idea," she finally said. "Anne... you're going to have to stay here this time."
"WHAT?" Anne cried, sitting bolt upright on the loveseat to stare in disbelief at her partner. "You can't be serious! Upstairs won't let you go alone!" Her body caught up with her as she finished her sentence, which sent her cringing back to a laying position.
"I won't be going alone," Kate finished, sending an intense stare towards Shanna, who merely stared back.
"...what?" she finally asked. "Why are you staring at me--" Slowly, the realization overtook her, and her eyes grew wide with surprise. "ME?" Kate nodded. "But I'm not even IN this department! We could be kicked out for this..."
"Your partner's sick, my partner's sick, they'll probably be bowing and worshipping the almighty toilet on their knees all day; it's a chance we have to take. There's no time to get anyone else!" Without hesitation, Kate tossed Anne's pack to Shanna, but first removed the wand and gave it back to her partner. "You might need this."
Anne grinned. "Is that your way of saying that you don't trust Shanna with my wand?"
"...well, THAT... and I have mine, too."
David frowned as the two finished gathering random pieces of gear. "If Upstairs finds out, I'm not responsible," he declared.
[BEEP]
"David, you jinxed it!" Shanna moaned.
Kate checked the console curiously, a grin crossing her face as she read. "No, actually, I think he helped... look at this: Upstairs is sending out an announcement.
'To whom it may concern in all departments,
We have been forced to enstate a new regulation. All assassins are now required to take the following pieces of gear with them on missions: plastic-lined paper bags, medicine for upset stomachs, and leak-proof trashcan bags.'
"Daaaang," Anne muttered under her breath. "They're requiring barf bags and Dramamine now? Kate, make sure to charge the Sue with that!"
"What, causing a new regulation to be passed by Upstairs?" Kate asked with a grin. "No problem."
~*~
"So, we're here, it's nighttime, and we're... Hobbits," Shanna said slowly, glancing around. "Where IS here, anyway?"
"The Shire," Kate said absently. "We're after a Frodo Sue by the name of Chica Muddyfoot, she's supposed to be his girlfriend or something... personally, I don't REMEMBER a girlfriend being mentioned AT ALL," she growled, more to herself than anyone else. "And what's up with the title, anyway? 'Loves Oceans'? Is that like that book, 'Loves Music, Loves to Dance' or something? I say we kill her now and get back to our sick partners." She anxiously fiddled with the bow she'd brought with her; she wanted this over as soon as possible.
Shanna shrugged. "I don't know, how would Anne do it?"
"She'd probably tell me to wait until the opprotune moment," the other girl sighed. "Darn it, she's not even here and she still manages to guilt trip me..."
"That takes talent." Shanna wandered towards a random Hobbit hole and leaned on the windowsill, waiting for Kate to say anything further on the matter. When she saw something inside move out of the corner of her eye, however, she glanced in through the window, only to see Frodo and a female Hobbit--- "EEEW!" She screeched. "KATE, THEY'RE--"
"SHH!" Kate rushed over and hurriedly covered her partner's mouth, glancing around to see if anyone heard. "They can hear us, brainniac!" She snarled. When she saw Shanna frantically pointing towards the window, she stopped and quizically looked inside. "...oh," was all she could say at first.
[For the readers with stomachs of steel, check the original fic for this entire scene. For the rest of us, we took the liberty of editing a good bit of detail out of this section.]
I laid Chica down on the bed. Leaning over her I kissed her passionately, she wrapped her arms around my neck kissing back. I pulled awhile after a bit.
"I love you. And that doesn't change just because I'm leaving the shire. I still feel the same way about you." I said brushing curls from her face.
"I know you do. And I love you too. I just want you to stay with me. Please don't leave, Frodo please stay with me". Her begging broke my heart, I didn't want to leave her. But the shire just didn't feel the same anymore.
"Oh Chica, Chica, Chica.... I want to stay with you".
"Then don't go", she was now in tears. I wiped her tears away, and kissed her forehead. My heart was aching. I loved her so much.
Kate growled low in her throat. "She doesn't even put the REAL FORKING REASON for Frodo's decision to leave -- and if she truly loved him, wouldn't she be HAPPY for him or GO WITH HIM?"
Shanna glanced at Kate, who was getting angrier by the minute. "Maybe we should, ah, move on," she suggested nervously.
"Not until I get a readout," she muttered, thrusting her hand into her pack in search of her Analysis Device. "You should get one, too." She waved the device towards the window, but cowered as Frodo started to undress Chica. "EWW, poor Frodo..."
[89.99%! HOLY CRAP, WHO IS THAT?!]
Kate meekly glanced through the window, then at the readout. "You know it's bad when the devices start screaming at you..."
Shanna fumbled with hers for a moment, then managed to wave it in Chica's general direction. After all, it's not hard to target someone when a canonical character is pinning them to the only bed in the room.
[Chica Muddyfoot. Hobbit female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]
"Well, it's official, she's a Sue," she offered almost cheerfully, trying to grin. "Now I see why David and Anne got so sick... this IS bad!"
"It doesn't take much to get to Anne's stomach, though." Kate sighed. "Fast-forwarding to departure for the Grey Havens! I've had enough of all this..."
Shanna took one last look inside and shuddered, for the two Hobbits were now naked in bed. "AGH! Why did I look?" She moaned. "Please, get us out of here!"
"I'm working on it!" It was a moment before they figured out which buttons to hit, but when they had, they immediately threw themselves through the portal. For a split second, Kate wondered why she felt as though she was falling, but the next instant she knew something was wrong: a moving monstrosity appeared in front of them, and they barely had enough time to scream before they landed in a body of water with a loud "SPLASH!".
Once the PPC's managed to swim to shore, Shanna took off her glasses and tried to find something on which to dry them. "You put us in the middle of the ocean?" She asked in wild disbelief. "Why'd you do something like THAT?!"
Kate, who was busy trying to wring the salt water out of her hair, scowled in return. "Well, I've never done it before -- Anne always worked it!" She snapped.
"Well, now that we're soaking wet... Why ARE we here?"
"Frodo's leaving for the Grey Havens, but the Sue is supposed to stop him." Kate fished out her Device and examined it closely. "Hmm... still seems to be working." She was startled, however, as the urgent red letters flashed up onto the screen.
[Samwise Gamgee. Male Hobbit. Canon. Out of Character 48.87%.]
Her eyes grew wide as she ever-so slowly looked up, only to see a Hobbitish figure standing naught but twelve feet away, with no foliage or useful scenery between to hide them. "FORK!" She hissed under her breath. "We need to move -- NOW; they're bound to notice two uninvited Hobbits!" She and Shanna grabbed their gear and crawled as fast as they dared to a patch of random shrubberies. They managed to conceal themselves as Frodo approached Sam, and were joined shortly by Pippin and Merry.
Shanna squealed and pointed excitedly at Pippin, gasping, "Pippin! Pippin! It's really Pippin!"
"...um, YEAH. Good observation." Kate raised a wary eyebrow at her companion. "Y'know, you really scare me sometimes. Now concentrate on the scene -- we need charges."
The night (Kate distinctly coughed something that sounded like 'day') of my departure, Sam, dear faithful Sam went to see me off. We headed to the sea. Merry and Pippin met up with us there. I was shocked to see them. As I looked at them I could see tears in Pippin's eyes. And amid his tears he laughed.
"You tried to give us the slip once before and failed, Frodo. This time you have nearly succeeded, but you have failed again. It was not Sam, thought, that gave you away this time, but Gandalf himself", he said. I then prepared to say my goodbyes to them then Pippin up his hand in a manner that said stop.
Kate blinked. "I have more than three reasons why that entire paragraph was messed up. And poor Merry, he just stands there... no attention from the Sue at all. It's character descrimination, I tell you..."
"Good," Shanna said hurriedly. "Now hush, Pip's talking!"
"OY... you're worse than Anne around the Weasley twins," her friend moaned.
"Frodo, I have brought someone who has news for you", he told me, as he walked over to his pony and helped down a lass. I couldn't make who she was. When the lass ran over to me. I knew her all to well. It was Chica. No this goodbye would be to hard.
"Frodo", she yelled as she ran to me. As soon as she reached me she flung herself into my arms. I held her in them. I looked into the oceans of her blue eyes. How could I leave her, I wished for some reason to stay. Just then Chica took my hand and placed in on her stomach.
"Frodo, you can't depart to the Havens, because of what grows inside of me", she said. I looked deeper into her ocean blue eyes.
There was a moment of silence, in which Kate took the opportunity to make a curious noise. "Aside from the fact that all three of those paragraphs began with someone saying "Frodo,", I've never heard of anyone having 'ocean blue' eyes. I wonder if that refers to the color, or the fact that they're wet for more than three-fourths of the fic because she cries so much..."
"Color," Shanna replied absently, not taking notice of the sarcasm in Kate's voice.
"What do you mean", I questioned her, even though I knew what she meant. I had my reason to stay,
"Frodo, I'm pregnant, you're going to be a father", she said. I smiled brightly. I wrapped my arms around her waist and spun her. I was so happy to know I would be a father. Now I could stay and marry the lass I loved.
"Right, it's not 'you're the father' or 'I'm pregnant with our child'," Kate grunted. "It's, 'you're going to be the father whether you bloody well feel like it or not, and the gun I've hid under my bodice says so'..."
"A child.. Oh Chica I love you so much", I said. I pulled her close to me and kissed her forehead. I was filled with so much joy just then. "Looks like I'm staying in the shire after all".
I dropped to one knee, and looked into my love's oceans.
The two PPC's gagged.
"Chica Muddyfoot, will you marry me?"
The two PPC's gagged harder.
"Yes, Of couse I will".
Shanna frowned. "She means, 'No, I most certainly will forking not!'. Just leave her now, Fro, it's not worth it!"
Another moment of silence passed as Kate gave her an astounded and slightly frightened look. "...'FRO'?" She asked slowly. "Where the heck did you get 'FRO'?!"
"Well, he needs a nickname!" Shanna countered. "Pippin is Pip, Merry and Sam don't need them, but Frodo doesn't have one -- so he's Fro!"
"At least he's not 'Rod' or something..." The older girl moaned and pulled out the remote activator. "Let's just get OUT of here; maybe this stupid piece of junk will work."
"Here's hoping."
~*~
Unfortunately for the two PPC, the remote activator did not wish for them to have a successful journey, and thus the portal spat them out ten feet above their desired point of arrival. Kate took some time trying to pick herself up, until she realized that she and Shanna had landed in the middle of a busy street, and were in the immediate danger of being trampled by a Hobbit-sized horse-drawn carriage. She let out a strangled screaming noise, which alerted Shanna of the peril that was five feet away; the two barely managed to get to safety in time.
"That... that THING doesn't like us!" Shanna declared, gasping for breath.
Kate scowled at the rebellious remote activator and pocketed it once again. "Maybe it misses Anne or something..." she mused ruefully.
"Or maybe it didn't like being called a 'stupid piece of junk'."
"Oh, well. In any case, we skipped most (if not all) of chapter two; so just to fill you in, they wanted to name their child Strider and Frodo sang some song by an artist whose music does not belong in Middle-Earth. We're here to observe the presence of a literary foil."
This earned her a confused look. "...a what kinda foil?"
"A literary foil," Kate explained as patiently as she could. This mission was starting to wear thin on her nerves... "It's a type of character an author inserts into their story for the sole purpose of contrasting with the main character; if they're the bad guy, they don't have a deep, dark secret or reason to be evil -- they're just evil because the main character is so good."
Shanna nodded slowly, beginning to follow the older girl as she walked along the street. "So... there's a really evil Hobbit somewhere around here who's bad for no reason?"
"Mmm-hmm," she replied absently, checking store windows as they passed. "Hey, tell me if you see the jewelry store or Frodo, whichever comes first."
"We don't have time to look at jewelry!" Shanna exclaimed. "We're on a mission! You of all people should kno--"
Kate sighed. "NO, SHANNA," she growled, "Frodo is heading to the jewelry store to find a ring for Chica, and he's going to run into Ruby while he's there."
"Oh, okay! ...just one last question: who's Ruby?"
"The literary foil," Kate snapped impatiently. "Do I have to explain everything?!"
"Yeesh, sorry..." Shanna stared at the ground as they walked, not wanting to say anything to further irritate her friend; she looked up in time to see Frodo leaving a store-like building with a Hobbit maiden at his side. "Um... Kate, I think that's her."
Kate glanced up quickly and locked her eyes on the new character. "So it would seem. Well, let's follow, unless we've an urgent errand or appointment that's been forgotten."
The two PPC's slowly followed the two Hobbits from a distance (though Kate wondered how no one heard all the noise Shanna made as she marveled over her surroundings) until they arrived at the Green Dragon. Kate motioned for Shanna to follow as she, too, entered the tavern.
"You're sure this is a good idea?" Shanna asked warily. "I mean, isn't she going to--"
"We're not going to follow them upstairs," Kate interrupted, looking around to locate Frodo. She planned to keep him under a steady watch until the end of the fic... the poor Hobbit had no time to himself nowadays, it seemed. "Let's just get something to eat for now."
"Can I try ale?"
"NO, SHANNA."
"Darn..."
~*~
Hours later, as the sun rose slowly in the east, the canonical characters had long forgotten how a stack of empty dishes had appeared on the corner table, for Kate and Shanna had decided to see if they could skip out without paying. "I love being invisible to the canon!" Shanna exclaimed happily, pumping her fist into the air.
Kate shushed her and glanced around, hoping her temporary partner had not been heard. "We're invisible, but we're not inaudible," she warned. "Frodo should be coming down at any moment... Yup, there he is."
I dressed, and started heading home. The sun was now up. I must have spelt a long time. I walked back to Bag End.
Shanna laughed out loud before she could be stopped. "He 'spelt' a long time? Oh my GOSH...!"
"SHANNA, SHUT UP BEFORE HE HEARS YOU," Kate snarled, diving to cover her partner's mouth. Once she had been silenced, the older PPC grunted something to herself and motioned to follow Frodo as he walked down the dirt path.
After a few moments of silence, Shanna muttered, "We should go ahead and get rid of her. Anne and David are probably bored to death by now..."
"Yeah, but there are still some charges we need," she replied, almost remorsefully. "We've gotten a good bit so far, and I know we could read the words for more, but we can't charge her for something that hasn't happened yet."
"What if we just, y'know... 'port to the end of the fic and charge her then?"
"We have to witness at least ninety percent of the charges listed. You're a PPC too, you know -- you're supposed to know this!"
"Oh, right. Crud-monkeys."
Kate nodded absently as she watched Frodo enter Bag End, then she let out a sigh. "Well, it's not like I don't want this horrid torture to end... but we're almost done. We can get her when she and Ruby begin their swordfight."
Shanna's eyes widened in disbelief. "She fights... while she's pregnant?" She asked slowly.
"Yeah. Not smart, but I don't always expect Sues to be."
As they stood there, Ruby casually came out of the front door humming to herself, and as she disappeared into the distance, Chica came running out of the Hobbit hole with a handkerchief to her tearing eyes. The two PPCs exchanged glances and watched Chica run out of their vision, then watched Pippin come running up to and hurriedly knock on the front door before he was let in.
Shanna blinked for a moment. "...well, that was interesting," she commented.
"Mmm-hmm," Kate agreed, "it seems that Bag End is a very popular place today."
They crept towards the side window and peered inside. Pippin was trying to catch his breath and explain something to Sam and Frodo, who were staring at him with wide-eyed astonishment. Frodo suddenly grabbed his jacket as he said something to the other two, just before Pippin (who had, evidentally, caught his breath within the time frame of five seconds) put a hand on his shoulder and started talking again. "Too bad we can't hear him," Shanna moaned. "I wanna listen...!"
"They're just saying that Ruby's planning to kill Chica, and Pippin's explaining a plan for catching her in the act and preventing Chica's death. And I'm pretty sure that it's a very unhobbitish thing to kill another Hobbit inside the Shire," Kate muttered sourly, making a rather impatient face. "But when she's least expecting it, I'll get her."
Shanna nodded. "Great. But, um... what am I supposed to do while you're killing her?"
The evil grin that spread across the assassin's face was slightly unsettling to her temporary partner. "You get the noble and wonderful job of keeping Frodo, Sam, and Pippin from killing ME."
"Oh..." She laughed nervously. "Is that all...?"
"Yup." Kate glanced back to the window and noticed that the three Hobbits had just departed for their rendevous point with Chica and Ruby. "Crud, they're gone! We'd better 'port ahead if we want to get there in time..."
Shanna's eyes grew wide as the remote activator was brought out. "Uh, are you sure that's a good idea? It still might have a grudge against us."
"We'll be fine. C'mon, we need to go!"
~*~
Kate and Shanna warily stepped out of the portal, expecting to be harmed by their surroundings, but instead found themselves in a convenient hiding/spectating spot behind the Green Dragon. "Wow," Shanna muttered. "I guess it likes us now or something..."
"Guess so." Kate crouched low behind a crate and glanced around to try and spot any of the to-be approaching Hobbits. "Just get down before they see us; Frodo, Sam, and Pippin should be coming at any moment."
"Um, Kate, I think--"
She sighed impatiently and interrupted the younger girl. "Shanna, PLEASE, just find somewhere to hide---" As she glanced towards her partner and saw the frantic gestures she was making to their left, Kate looked to see Frodo in the midst of a bush five feet from their chosen hiding place. "--oh. Well, he can't see us," she offered hopefully.
"But they can." Shanna now pointed past their crate at Chica, who was approaching from the right, and Ruby, who was coming from the left and bearing a sword. "Where'd she get a sword, anyway?"
"Her second cousin's aunt's grandmother's uncle, probably." Kate couldn't help but grin at her partner's reaction. "What? Most Hobbits are related somehow! I can show you when we get back to headquarters."
"Whats the sword for", asked Chica.
"Oh this, it's the end of you".
"What?"
Ruby was about stab Chica, when I jumped in front of her---
"HOLD IT!" Someone shouted. Frodo, Chica, and Ruby stopped where they stood: Frodo in front of Chica, Ruby with her sword in mid-stab, and Chica with a look of shock frozen on her face. Two more Hobbits stepped out from behind a set of crates, though one immediately ran to them, grabbed Frodo, and dragged him to where Sam and Pippin were hiding. The other stood with her arms crossed, looking rather irked. "Okay, if you were the Sue, I'd charge you..." -she pointed an accusing finger at Ruby- "...with unnecessary violence."
Ruby and Chica exchanged confused glances. "Say what?" Ruby asked slowly.
"Never mind. Shanna, make sure they don't get away from you!"
Shanna gave her a thumbs-up and grinned. "Oh, I have a plan if I need to use it..."
Kate sighed and turned to Chica. "Are you or are you not Chica Muddyfoot?"
"I am," she replied. "Who are you, and why are you saving me?"
"I ain't saving you for long, dearie," Kate spat. "Now, stand still... and YOU stay out of this," she growled to Ruby, "or you're next." She cleared her throat and began reciting from memory: "Chica Muddyfoot, you are hereby charged with the crimes of having a very unhobbitish first name, interacting with the characters of Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin; having premarital intercourse with Frodo, becoming pregnant because of that, trying to name your future child Strider, singing a non-Tolkien/non-Middle-Earthean song, using a literary foil for your own devices, swordfighting whilest pregnant, defying rules of conduct of and within the Shire, plagerising plots from a large percentage of soap operas, becoming the precident for PPC regulation #8754, paragraph 6, section 23; and being a Mary Sue."
Chica looked taken aback. "I... I don't understand," she stammered. "These are all crimes I'VE committed?"
Kate rolled her eyes and cocked an arrow, aimed directly for the Sue's head. "Yeah. Oh, and don't move unless you want this arrow through your skull." When Chica glanced worriedly at Frodo, who was being bodily restrained by Shanna, Kate gleefully shouted, "you moved!" and shot her through her temple.
Frodo cried out as Chica's body fell to the ground and began to struggle haphazardly. "Let me GO, you murderer!" He snarled at Shanna.
"Um, no. But I can do this..." Shanna grinned evilly and tackled the Hobbit, much to the surprise of everyone else. Sam and Pippin, at a loss for words or actions, stood there and merely watched with wide eyes until Kate felt the canon shift back into its normal state.
"Okay, Shanna, you can get off of him now," she called. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ruby shift positions uncomfortably. "Hey... I've an idea. Ruby, since your existence is no longer needed in this world, why don't you just come with us..." Kate grinned to herself, which seemed to unsettle the Hobbit even more.
"Um, you wouldn't... kill me, would you?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.
Shanna, who was now standing, walked over to them and crossed her arms. "Nah, we really don't have a reason to." Ruby looked halfway relieved at hearing this.
Kate heaved Chica's body over her shoulder and grinned again. "We're going to take you to where we work... see, we uphold the rules of the canon and kill off Mary Sues. Chica, here, was a Mary Sue that was assigned to us. Wanna give our job a try?"
"What if I don't want to?"
"Then we have reason to kill you."
Ruby hesitated, her eyes shifting to Chica's body and back to Kate's face. "...would there be more people like her for me to kill?" She asked slowly.
"If you're assigned to a Sue department, yeah," Kate admitted, opening a portal. "C'mon, I have a partner to get back to..."
~*~
As soon as Kate, Shanna, and Ruby stepped into room outside the response center, the electronic sounds of someone being thrown off a cliff echoed out to them. The three simultaneously raised their eyebrows and peered into the door of the response center; Anne and David were sitting in front of a TV (that had not been there before), evidentally playing a video game that involved mass amounts of killing.
"Where'd that come from?" Kate asked loudly, causing the two gamers to jump and turn where they sat, though the hand on which Anne was bracing herself slipped and caused her to fall into David.
"Oh, you're back!" She exclaimed, righting herself (with a bit of help). Her eyes quickly fell on Ruby, and her expression changed to that of confusion. "...where'd she come from?"
"She's a bit character who has potential. Ruby, this is my parter, Anne, and Shanna's partner, David. David, Anne, this is Ruby. We're taking her down to Assignments real quick; we just wanted to stop in and see how you two were doing."
David shrugged. "We felt better after about an hour, so I went and got my Gamecube. We've been playing Super Smash Brothers Melee for a while now..."
"Hey, you never play that with ME," Shanna protested.
"That's because Anne can actually win every other fight."
Kate dismissed the conversation with a wave of her hand. "Okay, we're going now! See you guys in a bit."
"Hey, Kate, the mail guys called and said we had a package -- could you get it while you're down there?" Anne called.
"Sure thing!"
Anne and David shrugged at each other and resumed their game. An hour passed, then two hours, and no one had returned. Finally, after two and a half hours, Kate came storming back into the room with a smoking package in her hand. "Slow service?" Anne asked lightly. "What's in the box?"
"Don't know, don't care."
Shanna came in with a relieved look on her face. "We finally got out of there!" She moaned.
"It... took... FOREVER," Kate growled, falling back onto the couch and tossing the package to Anne. "I swear, if the people down there were moving any slower, they'd be going backwards!"
"Though that one guy looked pretty excited when he saw that cockroach run by," Shanna commented through a grin. "So, what'd you guys get?"
Anne curiously untied the string around the brown paper and squealed with glee. "Ooh, lookit!" In her hand was a jar, which contained a sample of brightly-colored fire. "AWESOME!"
"What is it?" David asked, peering at it over her shoulder.
"Our first flame!" Anne cackled to herself and put the jar on the desk. "Sweet!"
Kate nodded tiredly. "Great, wonderful, and all that jazz. I'm going to take a nap... good-NIGHT." She laid herself out on the couch and rolled over, so that her back was to everyone else.
[BEEP]
"OH, FORK IT ALL!"
==========
Kate's note: AAGH, DELIVER US FROM EVIL!
You think I'm kidding? Read the original fic... I know there are some young, aspiring authors out there who are eager to write whatever comes to mind, but this one was pretty bad. The only thing that could've made it worse would've been a slash coupling... *shudders* We finally figured out that, if you ignore the spelling mistakes and misplaced punctuation, it's almost readable. ALMOST.
YES, the whole sex scene between Frodo and Chica is in the first chapter. Heck, it IS the first chapter. Five hundred miles of bad, baaaad road from the very beginning.
Anne, if you EVER leave me to work that bloody remote activator AGAIN, I'll kill you!
Anne's note: Yay, I got sick leave! WHEE! But poor Shanna got a crash course on Sues In Middle-Earth... oh, well, everyone has to learn sometime, I guess.
I almost got sick reading it in real life. I'm dead serious, folks -- I felt REALLY queasy after reading the first chapter. THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING. But I did have to wonder what in the world the author read/saw/was thinking before she wrote this fic... I mean, it's nothing but a soap opera! GAH! HOBBITS DO NOT PURPOSEFULLY KILL OTHER HOBBITS! Smeagol was an exception, because the Ring drove him to kill Deagol. Go figure.
And we got our first flame! I'm so happy! *dances around* Now we can use it to completely incinerate a Sue! YAY! ...though, I secretly hope we don't get many more, because they're kind of annoying to read. Like, really annoying -- especially when the reviewer is really PO'd and trying to remain calm but failing miserably. (By the way, iamawriter1, your stuff can be found in our museum when it is opened... so Mr. Bang-bang stays with us, dearie. You may not flounce off with a museum exhibit, unless you'd like our Flying Werecat Museum Guards of Doom to find you and steal it back.)
The Shire is like the South, in the fact that everyone is related to everyone else by some distant bond. It took me forever to figure out how Pippin was related to Merry, Merry to Frodo, Pippin to Frodo, and Bilbo to Frodo, and so on.
~*~
"Sick partner, worst-case-scenario Sue, and no time to send a message Upstairs... not good." Kate ran a hand through her hair in exasperation, desperately trying to think. "Okay, I'm not going to like this, but I have an idea," she finally said. "Anne... you're going to have to stay here this time."
"WHAT?" Anne cried, sitting bolt upright on the loveseat to stare in disbelief at her partner. "You can't be serious! Upstairs won't let you go alone!" Her body caught up with her as she finished her sentence, which sent her cringing back to a laying position.
"I won't be going alone," Kate finished, sending an intense stare towards Shanna, who merely stared back.
"...what?" she finally asked. "Why are you staring at me--" Slowly, the realization overtook her, and her eyes grew wide with surprise. "ME?" Kate nodded. "But I'm not even IN this department! We could be kicked out for this..."
"Your partner's sick, my partner's sick, they'll probably be bowing and worshipping the almighty toilet on their knees all day; it's a chance we have to take. There's no time to get anyone else!" Without hesitation, Kate tossed Anne's pack to Shanna, but first removed the wand and gave it back to her partner. "You might need this."
Anne grinned. "Is that your way of saying that you don't trust Shanna with my wand?"
"...well, THAT... and I have mine, too."
David frowned as the two finished gathering random pieces of gear. "If Upstairs finds out, I'm not responsible," he declared.
[BEEP]
"David, you jinxed it!" Shanna moaned.
Kate checked the console curiously, a grin crossing her face as she read. "No, actually, I think he helped... look at this: Upstairs is sending out an announcement.
'To whom it may concern in all departments,
We have been forced to enstate a new regulation. All assassins are now required to take the following pieces of gear with them on missions: plastic-lined paper bags, medicine for upset stomachs, and leak-proof trashcan bags.'
"Daaaang," Anne muttered under her breath. "They're requiring barf bags and Dramamine now? Kate, make sure to charge the Sue with that!"
"What, causing a new regulation to be passed by Upstairs?" Kate asked with a grin. "No problem."
~*~
"So, we're here, it's nighttime, and we're... Hobbits," Shanna said slowly, glancing around. "Where IS here, anyway?"
"The Shire," Kate said absently. "We're after a Frodo Sue by the name of Chica Muddyfoot, she's supposed to be his girlfriend or something... personally, I don't REMEMBER a girlfriend being mentioned AT ALL," she growled, more to herself than anyone else. "And what's up with the title, anyway? 'Loves Oceans'? Is that like that book, 'Loves Music, Loves to Dance' or something? I say we kill her now and get back to our sick partners." She anxiously fiddled with the bow she'd brought with her; she wanted this over as soon as possible.
Shanna shrugged. "I don't know, how would Anne do it?"
"She'd probably tell me to wait until the opprotune moment," the other girl sighed. "Darn it, she's not even here and she still manages to guilt trip me..."
"That takes talent." Shanna wandered towards a random Hobbit hole and leaned on the windowsill, waiting for Kate to say anything further on the matter. When she saw something inside move out of the corner of her eye, however, she glanced in through the window, only to see Frodo and a female Hobbit--- "EEEW!" She screeched. "KATE, THEY'RE--"
"SHH!" Kate rushed over and hurriedly covered her partner's mouth, glancing around to see if anyone heard. "They can hear us, brainniac!" She snarled. When she saw Shanna frantically pointing towards the window, she stopped and quizically looked inside. "...oh," was all she could say at first.
[For the readers with stomachs of steel, check the original fic for this entire scene. For the rest of us, we took the liberty of editing a good bit of detail out of this section.]
I laid Chica down on the bed. Leaning over her I kissed her passionately, she wrapped her arms around my neck kissing back. I pulled awhile after a bit.
"I love you. And that doesn't change just because I'm leaving the shire. I still feel the same way about you." I said brushing curls from her face.
"I know you do. And I love you too. I just want you to stay with me. Please don't leave, Frodo please stay with me". Her begging broke my heart, I didn't want to leave her. But the shire just didn't feel the same anymore.
"Oh Chica, Chica, Chica.... I want to stay with you".
"Then don't go", she was now in tears. I wiped her tears away, and kissed her forehead. My heart was aching. I loved her so much.
Kate growled low in her throat. "She doesn't even put the REAL FORKING REASON for Frodo's decision to leave -- and if she truly loved him, wouldn't she be HAPPY for him or GO WITH HIM?"
Shanna glanced at Kate, who was getting angrier by the minute. "Maybe we should, ah, move on," she suggested nervously.
"Not until I get a readout," she muttered, thrusting her hand into her pack in search of her Analysis Device. "You should get one, too." She waved the device towards the window, but cowered as Frodo started to undress Chica. "EWW, poor Frodo..."
[89.99%! HOLY CRAP, WHO IS THAT?!]
Kate meekly glanced through the window, then at the readout. "You know it's bad when the devices start screaming at you..."
Shanna fumbled with hers for a moment, then managed to wave it in Chica's general direction. After all, it's not hard to target someone when a canonical character is pinning them to the only bed in the room.
[Chica Muddyfoot. Hobbit female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]
"Well, it's official, she's a Sue," she offered almost cheerfully, trying to grin. "Now I see why David and Anne got so sick... this IS bad!"
"It doesn't take much to get to Anne's stomach, though." Kate sighed. "Fast-forwarding to departure for the Grey Havens! I've had enough of all this..."
Shanna took one last look inside and shuddered, for the two Hobbits were now naked in bed. "AGH! Why did I look?" She moaned. "Please, get us out of here!"
"I'm working on it!" It was a moment before they figured out which buttons to hit, but when they had, they immediately threw themselves through the portal. For a split second, Kate wondered why she felt as though she was falling, but the next instant she knew something was wrong: a moving monstrosity appeared in front of them, and they barely had enough time to scream before they landed in a body of water with a loud "SPLASH!".
Once the PPC's managed to swim to shore, Shanna took off her glasses and tried to find something on which to dry them. "You put us in the middle of the ocean?" She asked in wild disbelief. "Why'd you do something like THAT?!"
Kate, who was busy trying to wring the salt water out of her hair, scowled in return. "Well, I've never done it before -- Anne always worked it!" She snapped.
"Well, now that we're soaking wet... Why ARE we here?"
"Frodo's leaving for the Grey Havens, but the Sue is supposed to stop him." Kate fished out her Device and examined it closely. "Hmm... still seems to be working." She was startled, however, as the urgent red letters flashed up onto the screen.
[Samwise Gamgee. Male Hobbit. Canon. Out of Character 48.87%.]
Her eyes grew wide as she ever-so slowly looked up, only to see a Hobbitish figure standing naught but twelve feet away, with no foliage or useful scenery between to hide them. "FORK!" She hissed under her breath. "We need to move -- NOW; they're bound to notice two uninvited Hobbits!" She and Shanna grabbed their gear and crawled as fast as they dared to a patch of random shrubberies. They managed to conceal themselves as Frodo approached Sam, and were joined shortly by Pippin and Merry.
Shanna squealed and pointed excitedly at Pippin, gasping, "Pippin! Pippin! It's really Pippin!"
"...um, YEAH. Good observation." Kate raised a wary eyebrow at her companion. "Y'know, you really scare me sometimes. Now concentrate on the scene -- we need charges."
The night (Kate distinctly coughed something that sounded like 'day') of my departure, Sam, dear faithful Sam went to see me off. We headed to the sea. Merry and Pippin met up with us there. I was shocked to see them. As I looked at them I could see tears in Pippin's eyes. And amid his tears he laughed.
"You tried to give us the slip once before and failed, Frodo. This time you have nearly succeeded, but you have failed again. It was not Sam, thought, that gave you away this time, but Gandalf himself", he said. I then prepared to say my goodbyes to them then Pippin up his hand in a manner that said stop.
Kate blinked. "I have more than three reasons why that entire paragraph was messed up. And poor Merry, he just stands there... no attention from the Sue at all. It's character descrimination, I tell you..."
"Good," Shanna said hurriedly. "Now hush, Pip's talking!"
"OY... you're worse than Anne around the Weasley twins," her friend moaned.
"Frodo, I have brought someone who has news for you", he told me, as he walked over to his pony and helped down a lass. I couldn't make who she was. When the lass ran over to me. I knew her all to well. It was Chica. No this goodbye would be to hard.
"Frodo", she yelled as she ran to me. As soon as she reached me she flung herself into my arms. I held her in them. I looked into the oceans of her blue eyes. How could I leave her, I wished for some reason to stay. Just then Chica took my hand and placed in on her stomach.
"Frodo, you can't depart to the Havens, because of what grows inside of me", she said. I looked deeper into her ocean blue eyes.
There was a moment of silence, in which Kate took the opportunity to make a curious noise. "Aside from the fact that all three of those paragraphs began with someone saying "Frodo,", I've never heard of anyone having 'ocean blue' eyes. I wonder if that refers to the color, or the fact that they're wet for more than three-fourths of the fic because she cries so much..."
"Color," Shanna replied absently, not taking notice of the sarcasm in Kate's voice.
"What do you mean", I questioned her, even though I knew what she meant. I had my reason to stay,
"Frodo, I'm pregnant, you're going to be a father", she said. I smiled brightly. I wrapped my arms around her waist and spun her. I was so happy to know I would be a father. Now I could stay and marry the lass I loved.
"Right, it's not 'you're the father' or 'I'm pregnant with our child'," Kate grunted. "It's, 'you're going to be the father whether you bloody well feel like it or not, and the gun I've hid under my bodice says so'..."
"A child.. Oh Chica I love you so much", I said. I pulled her close to me and kissed her forehead. I was filled with so much joy just then. "Looks like I'm staying in the shire after all".
I dropped to one knee, and looked into my love's oceans.
The two PPC's gagged.
"Chica Muddyfoot, will you marry me?"
The two PPC's gagged harder.
"Yes, Of couse I will".
Shanna frowned. "She means, 'No, I most certainly will forking not!'. Just leave her now, Fro, it's not worth it!"
Another moment of silence passed as Kate gave her an astounded and slightly frightened look. "...'FRO'?" She asked slowly. "Where the heck did you get 'FRO'?!"
"Well, he needs a nickname!" Shanna countered. "Pippin is Pip, Merry and Sam don't need them, but Frodo doesn't have one -- so he's Fro!"
"At least he's not 'Rod' or something..." The older girl moaned and pulled out the remote activator. "Let's just get OUT of here; maybe this stupid piece of junk will work."
"Here's hoping."
~*~
Unfortunately for the two PPC, the remote activator did not wish for them to have a successful journey, and thus the portal spat them out ten feet above their desired point of arrival. Kate took some time trying to pick herself up, until she realized that she and Shanna had landed in the middle of a busy street, and were in the immediate danger of being trampled by a Hobbit-sized horse-drawn carriage. She let out a strangled screaming noise, which alerted Shanna of the peril that was five feet away; the two barely managed to get to safety in time.
"That... that THING doesn't like us!" Shanna declared, gasping for breath.
Kate scowled at the rebellious remote activator and pocketed it once again. "Maybe it misses Anne or something..." she mused ruefully.
"Or maybe it didn't like being called a 'stupid piece of junk'."
"Oh, well. In any case, we skipped most (if not all) of chapter two; so just to fill you in, they wanted to name their child Strider and Frodo sang some song by an artist whose music does not belong in Middle-Earth. We're here to observe the presence of a literary foil."
This earned her a confused look. "...a what kinda foil?"
"A literary foil," Kate explained as patiently as she could. This mission was starting to wear thin on her nerves... "It's a type of character an author inserts into their story for the sole purpose of contrasting with the main character; if they're the bad guy, they don't have a deep, dark secret or reason to be evil -- they're just evil because the main character is so good."
Shanna nodded slowly, beginning to follow the older girl as she walked along the street. "So... there's a really evil Hobbit somewhere around here who's bad for no reason?"
"Mmm-hmm," she replied absently, checking store windows as they passed. "Hey, tell me if you see the jewelry store or Frodo, whichever comes first."
"We don't have time to look at jewelry!" Shanna exclaimed. "We're on a mission! You of all people should kno--"
Kate sighed. "NO, SHANNA," she growled, "Frodo is heading to the jewelry store to find a ring for Chica, and he's going to run into Ruby while he's there."
"Oh, okay! ...just one last question: who's Ruby?"
"The literary foil," Kate snapped impatiently. "Do I have to explain everything?!"
"Yeesh, sorry..." Shanna stared at the ground as they walked, not wanting to say anything to further irritate her friend; she looked up in time to see Frodo leaving a store-like building with a Hobbit maiden at his side. "Um... Kate, I think that's her."
Kate glanced up quickly and locked her eyes on the new character. "So it would seem. Well, let's follow, unless we've an urgent errand or appointment that's been forgotten."
The two PPC's slowly followed the two Hobbits from a distance (though Kate wondered how no one heard all the noise Shanna made as she marveled over her surroundings) until they arrived at the Green Dragon. Kate motioned for Shanna to follow as she, too, entered the tavern.
"You're sure this is a good idea?" Shanna asked warily. "I mean, isn't she going to--"
"We're not going to follow them upstairs," Kate interrupted, looking around to locate Frodo. She planned to keep him under a steady watch until the end of the fic... the poor Hobbit had no time to himself nowadays, it seemed. "Let's just get something to eat for now."
"Can I try ale?"
"NO, SHANNA."
"Darn..."
~*~
Hours later, as the sun rose slowly in the east, the canonical characters had long forgotten how a stack of empty dishes had appeared on the corner table, for Kate and Shanna had decided to see if they could skip out without paying. "I love being invisible to the canon!" Shanna exclaimed happily, pumping her fist into the air.
Kate shushed her and glanced around, hoping her temporary partner had not been heard. "We're invisible, but we're not inaudible," she warned. "Frodo should be coming down at any moment... Yup, there he is."
I dressed, and started heading home. The sun was now up. I must have spelt a long time. I walked back to Bag End.
Shanna laughed out loud before she could be stopped. "He 'spelt' a long time? Oh my GOSH...!"
"SHANNA, SHUT UP BEFORE HE HEARS YOU," Kate snarled, diving to cover her partner's mouth. Once she had been silenced, the older PPC grunted something to herself and motioned to follow Frodo as he walked down the dirt path.
After a few moments of silence, Shanna muttered, "We should go ahead and get rid of her. Anne and David are probably bored to death by now..."
"Yeah, but there are still some charges we need," she replied, almost remorsefully. "We've gotten a good bit so far, and I know we could read the words for more, but we can't charge her for something that hasn't happened yet."
"What if we just, y'know... 'port to the end of the fic and charge her then?"
"We have to witness at least ninety percent of the charges listed. You're a PPC too, you know -- you're supposed to know this!"
"Oh, right. Crud-monkeys."
Kate nodded absently as she watched Frodo enter Bag End, then she let out a sigh. "Well, it's not like I don't want this horrid torture to end... but we're almost done. We can get her when she and Ruby begin their swordfight."
Shanna's eyes widened in disbelief. "She fights... while she's pregnant?" She asked slowly.
"Yeah. Not smart, but I don't always expect Sues to be."
As they stood there, Ruby casually came out of the front door humming to herself, and as she disappeared into the distance, Chica came running out of the Hobbit hole with a handkerchief to her tearing eyes. The two PPCs exchanged glances and watched Chica run out of their vision, then watched Pippin come running up to and hurriedly knock on the front door before he was let in.
Shanna blinked for a moment. "...well, that was interesting," she commented.
"Mmm-hmm," Kate agreed, "it seems that Bag End is a very popular place today."
They crept towards the side window and peered inside. Pippin was trying to catch his breath and explain something to Sam and Frodo, who were staring at him with wide-eyed astonishment. Frodo suddenly grabbed his jacket as he said something to the other two, just before Pippin (who had, evidentally, caught his breath within the time frame of five seconds) put a hand on his shoulder and started talking again. "Too bad we can't hear him," Shanna moaned. "I wanna listen...!"
"They're just saying that Ruby's planning to kill Chica, and Pippin's explaining a plan for catching her in the act and preventing Chica's death. And I'm pretty sure that it's a very unhobbitish thing to kill another Hobbit inside the Shire," Kate muttered sourly, making a rather impatient face. "But when she's least expecting it, I'll get her."
Shanna nodded. "Great. But, um... what am I supposed to do while you're killing her?"
The evil grin that spread across the assassin's face was slightly unsettling to her temporary partner. "You get the noble and wonderful job of keeping Frodo, Sam, and Pippin from killing ME."
"Oh..." She laughed nervously. "Is that all...?"
"Yup." Kate glanced back to the window and noticed that the three Hobbits had just departed for their rendevous point with Chica and Ruby. "Crud, they're gone! We'd better 'port ahead if we want to get there in time..."
Shanna's eyes grew wide as the remote activator was brought out. "Uh, are you sure that's a good idea? It still might have a grudge against us."
"We'll be fine. C'mon, we need to go!"
~*~
Kate and Shanna warily stepped out of the portal, expecting to be harmed by their surroundings, but instead found themselves in a convenient hiding/spectating spot behind the Green Dragon. "Wow," Shanna muttered. "I guess it likes us now or something..."
"Guess so." Kate crouched low behind a crate and glanced around to try and spot any of the to-be approaching Hobbits. "Just get down before they see us; Frodo, Sam, and Pippin should be coming at any moment."
"Um, Kate, I think--"
She sighed impatiently and interrupted the younger girl. "Shanna, PLEASE, just find somewhere to hide---" As she glanced towards her partner and saw the frantic gestures she was making to their left, Kate looked to see Frodo in the midst of a bush five feet from their chosen hiding place. "--oh. Well, he can't see us," she offered hopefully.
"But they can." Shanna now pointed past their crate at Chica, who was approaching from the right, and Ruby, who was coming from the left and bearing a sword. "Where'd she get a sword, anyway?"
"Her second cousin's aunt's grandmother's uncle, probably." Kate couldn't help but grin at her partner's reaction. "What? Most Hobbits are related somehow! I can show you when we get back to headquarters."
"Whats the sword for", asked Chica.
"Oh this, it's the end of you".
"What?"
Ruby was about stab Chica, when I jumped in front of her---
"HOLD IT!" Someone shouted. Frodo, Chica, and Ruby stopped where they stood: Frodo in front of Chica, Ruby with her sword in mid-stab, and Chica with a look of shock frozen on her face. Two more Hobbits stepped out from behind a set of crates, though one immediately ran to them, grabbed Frodo, and dragged him to where Sam and Pippin were hiding. The other stood with her arms crossed, looking rather irked. "Okay, if you were the Sue, I'd charge you..." -she pointed an accusing finger at Ruby- "...with unnecessary violence."
Ruby and Chica exchanged confused glances. "Say what?" Ruby asked slowly.
"Never mind. Shanna, make sure they don't get away from you!"
Shanna gave her a thumbs-up and grinned. "Oh, I have a plan if I need to use it..."
Kate sighed and turned to Chica. "Are you or are you not Chica Muddyfoot?"
"I am," she replied. "Who are you, and why are you saving me?"
"I ain't saving you for long, dearie," Kate spat. "Now, stand still... and YOU stay out of this," she growled to Ruby, "or you're next." She cleared her throat and began reciting from memory: "Chica Muddyfoot, you are hereby charged with the crimes of having a very unhobbitish first name, interacting with the characters of Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin; having premarital intercourse with Frodo, becoming pregnant because of that, trying to name your future child Strider, singing a non-Tolkien/non-Middle-Earthean song, using a literary foil for your own devices, swordfighting whilest pregnant, defying rules of conduct of and within the Shire, plagerising plots from a large percentage of soap operas, becoming the precident for PPC regulation #8754, paragraph 6, section 23; and being a Mary Sue."
Chica looked taken aback. "I... I don't understand," she stammered. "These are all crimes I'VE committed?"
Kate rolled her eyes and cocked an arrow, aimed directly for the Sue's head. "Yeah. Oh, and don't move unless you want this arrow through your skull." When Chica glanced worriedly at Frodo, who was being bodily restrained by Shanna, Kate gleefully shouted, "you moved!" and shot her through her temple.
Frodo cried out as Chica's body fell to the ground and began to struggle haphazardly. "Let me GO, you murderer!" He snarled at Shanna.
"Um, no. But I can do this..." Shanna grinned evilly and tackled the Hobbit, much to the surprise of everyone else. Sam and Pippin, at a loss for words or actions, stood there and merely watched with wide eyes until Kate felt the canon shift back into its normal state.
"Okay, Shanna, you can get off of him now," she called. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ruby shift positions uncomfortably. "Hey... I've an idea. Ruby, since your existence is no longer needed in this world, why don't you just come with us..." Kate grinned to herself, which seemed to unsettle the Hobbit even more.
"Um, you wouldn't... kill me, would you?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.
Shanna, who was now standing, walked over to them and crossed her arms. "Nah, we really don't have a reason to." Ruby looked halfway relieved at hearing this.
Kate heaved Chica's body over her shoulder and grinned again. "We're going to take you to where we work... see, we uphold the rules of the canon and kill off Mary Sues. Chica, here, was a Mary Sue that was assigned to us. Wanna give our job a try?"
"What if I don't want to?"
"Then we have reason to kill you."
Ruby hesitated, her eyes shifting to Chica's body and back to Kate's face. "...would there be more people like her for me to kill?" She asked slowly.
"If you're assigned to a Sue department, yeah," Kate admitted, opening a portal. "C'mon, I have a partner to get back to..."
~*~
As soon as Kate, Shanna, and Ruby stepped into room outside the response center, the electronic sounds of someone being thrown off a cliff echoed out to them. The three simultaneously raised their eyebrows and peered into the door of the response center; Anne and David were sitting in front of a TV (that had not been there before), evidentally playing a video game that involved mass amounts of killing.
"Where'd that come from?" Kate asked loudly, causing the two gamers to jump and turn where they sat, though the hand on which Anne was bracing herself slipped and caused her to fall into David.
"Oh, you're back!" She exclaimed, righting herself (with a bit of help). Her eyes quickly fell on Ruby, and her expression changed to that of confusion. "...where'd she come from?"
"She's a bit character who has potential. Ruby, this is my parter, Anne, and Shanna's partner, David. David, Anne, this is Ruby. We're taking her down to Assignments real quick; we just wanted to stop in and see how you two were doing."
David shrugged. "We felt better after about an hour, so I went and got my Gamecube. We've been playing Super Smash Brothers Melee for a while now..."
"Hey, you never play that with ME," Shanna protested.
"That's because Anne can actually win every other fight."
Kate dismissed the conversation with a wave of her hand. "Okay, we're going now! See you guys in a bit."
"Hey, Kate, the mail guys called and said we had a package -- could you get it while you're down there?" Anne called.
"Sure thing!"
Anne and David shrugged at each other and resumed their game. An hour passed, then two hours, and no one had returned. Finally, after two and a half hours, Kate came storming back into the room with a smoking package in her hand. "Slow service?" Anne asked lightly. "What's in the box?"
"Don't know, don't care."
Shanna came in with a relieved look on her face. "We finally got out of there!" She moaned.
"It... took... FOREVER," Kate growled, falling back onto the couch and tossing the package to Anne. "I swear, if the people down there were moving any slower, they'd be going backwards!"
"Though that one guy looked pretty excited when he saw that cockroach run by," Shanna commented through a grin. "So, what'd you guys get?"
Anne curiously untied the string around the brown paper and squealed with glee. "Ooh, lookit!" In her hand was a jar, which contained a sample of brightly-colored fire. "AWESOME!"
"What is it?" David asked, peering at it over her shoulder.
"Our first flame!" Anne cackled to herself and put the jar on the desk. "Sweet!"
Kate nodded tiredly. "Great, wonderful, and all that jazz. I'm going to take a nap... good-NIGHT." She laid herself out on the couch and rolled over, so that her back was to everyone else.
[BEEP]
"OH, FORK IT ALL!"
==========
Kate's note: AAGH, DELIVER US FROM EVIL!
You think I'm kidding? Read the original fic... I know there are some young, aspiring authors out there who are eager to write whatever comes to mind, but this one was pretty bad. The only thing that could've made it worse would've been a slash coupling... *shudders* We finally figured out that, if you ignore the spelling mistakes and misplaced punctuation, it's almost readable. ALMOST.
YES, the whole sex scene between Frodo and Chica is in the first chapter. Heck, it IS the first chapter. Five hundred miles of bad, baaaad road from the very beginning.
Anne, if you EVER leave me to work that bloody remote activator AGAIN, I'll kill you!
Anne's note: Yay, I got sick leave! WHEE! But poor Shanna got a crash course on Sues In Middle-Earth... oh, well, everyone has to learn sometime, I guess.
I almost got sick reading it in real life. I'm dead serious, folks -- I felt REALLY queasy after reading the first chapter. THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING. But I did have to wonder what in the world the author read/saw/was thinking before she wrote this fic... I mean, it's nothing but a soap opera! GAH! HOBBITS DO NOT PURPOSEFULLY KILL OTHER HOBBITS! Smeagol was an exception, because the Ring drove him to kill Deagol. Go figure.
And we got our first flame! I'm so happy! *dances around* Now we can use it to completely incinerate a Sue! YAY! ...though, I secretly hope we don't get many more, because they're kind of annoying to read. Like, really annoying -- especially when the reviewer is really PO'd and trying to remain calm but failing miserably. (By the way, iamawriter1, your stuff can be found in our museum when it is opened... so Mr. Bang-bang stays with us, dearie. You may not flounce off with a museum exhibit, unless you'd like our Flying Werecat Museum Guards of Doom to find you and steal it back.)
The Shire is like the South, in the fact that everyone is related to everyone else by some distant bond. It took me forever to figure out how Pippin was related to Merry, Merry to Frodo, Pippin to Frodo, and Bilbo to Frodo, and so on.