Type A

Kelly reached Casey's voicemail once again, and hung up his phone in aggravation. He'd been trying to call Casey all afternoon and hadn't had any luck yet. He looked out the window again for what was probably the 10th time in that minute and saw the limbs of the trees blowing with the heavy winds, and looked up and saw the yellowish hue of the whole sky.

There had been nothing definite in the weather forecast though the prediction had mentioned possible severe weather, which consisted of heavy winds, which they were already experiencing, torrential downpours, thunderstorms, possible hail, all of which usually led up to by now a very predictable tornado watch. It seemed to Severide that they'd been having these 'severe weather' days every week, and almost always on the same day each week. This time though, it felt to him like something was actually coming. There had been something different in the air all day, it felt heavier, the winds had picked up early that morning, and the sky alternated between dark gray clouds that eventually parted and the sun's rays cast everything in the city in an eerie golden illumination.

Now it was the middle of the afternoon and the storm clouds were gone, now most of the sky was covered with a thinner paler layer of clouds that distorted the sun's rays, making both the clouds and everything down on the street a strange yellowish tint.

Kelly wasn't sure what it was, but he'd had the nagging feeling off and on all day that he should call Casey, and he'd tried, he didn't even know how many times by now, every time it went straight to voicemail. Wherever Matt Casey was, he should've been well aware of how many calls had come in, so what was his excuse for not responding to any of them?

The wind battered against the window, the gusts were getting stronger now, looking at the street down below, Kelly could see it wasn't just garbage flying through the air now, anything light weight that wasn't bolted down was getting knocked over or pushed across the pavement, the wind was actually howling by now and sounded alive, and furious. Looking towards the sky once again, Kelly could now see a fresh batch of dark clouds on the horizon, most of them were dark gray, some looked green and lumpy, wherever those went, there was the hail as predicted.

Finally, Severide decided he should just head over to Casey's apartment and see if the Truck lieutenant was there. Since he couldn't get him on the phone, he'd talk to him in person.

Kelly had to push the door of his car open with both hands to keep the wind from swinging it back shut against him. As he got out at the curb to Casey's apartment, he closed his eyes as he felt his skin being pelted with gravel and debris flying through the air, he heard the sound of it beating against the side of the Mustang. If they actually didn't get a storm tonight, he'd sure be surprised.

The wind calmed down momentarily and stopped howling, but it was still blowing hard, and Severide knew it wasn't going to get any better, so he kept his eyes squinted half shut and made his way up the sidewalk to the stoop and knocked on the door. There was no response, but he tried the door and found it unlocked.

"Casey? You here?"

Given his truck was parked right outside it seemed an obvious answer, still, Kelly couldn't figure out why he hadn't answered the door, even with the noise all the wind was causing, Matt still should've been able to hear him beating on the door.

"Casey?" Kelly stuck his head in and looked around. No sign of the Truck lieutenant anywhere. "Casey, you here?"

Kelly pushed his way into the apartment, forced the door shut behind him, and just to make sure there were no surprises, locked it so another sudden gust couldn't blow it back open.

The lights were on in the apartment, the TV was off, Kelly made his way from room to room, calling Casey's name every time he entered a new room, but he received no response, and he couldn't find the blonde man anywhere.

"Matt?" he tried again as he circled back around, and came to a stop in the dining room. "Matt, are you here?"

Nothing. Kelly was wracking his brain trying to think where Casey would be if he hadn't left in his truck. He turned and saw a framed mirror hanging on the wall and saw his reflection. Then he saw something else, and he turned on his heel back towards the table.

"Casey?" Kelly crouched down, and felt his eyes widen as he was met with the unexpected and startling imagine of Matt Casey sitting under the table with his knees pulled to his chest and his head pressed against his knees and his arms folded over his head.

"Casey, what happened?" Severide asked as he tried to make some sense of this bizarre image.

But there was no answer from the other man who was simultaneously rocking back and forth and yet seemed to be holding himself very still.

"Are you okay?" Kelly tried again, hoping for some kind of answer.

There was no audible response, and the only physical change was Casey seemed to fold his body even tighter into itself.

Severide got on his knees to get a better look at his friend, and tried to think of something that would get a reaction out of him and draw him out of whatever it was he seemed to be lost in.

"You want to come out from under there?" Kelly tried again.

This time, Casey shook his head slowly from side to side.

"Okay, that's fine," Kelly said as he sat on the floor and watched him. "You want to talk?"

Casey shook his head again.

"What're you doing?" Severide decided to probe a little anyway.

Casey slowly lowered his arms and hugged them around his knees and answered in a worn out voice, "Having a nervous breakdown."

"What happened?" Kelly asked.

Matt shook his head, "Nothing."

"Casey..."

"I-have-anxiety-attacks, Kelly," the blonde man barely managed to string the sentence together without screaming. He sighed, and took another breath, and told him, "I get a weight on my chest, and I can't breathe..."

"Nobody can, Casey, that's because the barometer's falling, have you looked outside?" Kelly asked.

Matt shook his head. "It doesn't matter, I've had them for most of my life."

"What're you talking about? We've known each other for over 15 years and you never-"

"I never let anyone else know about it," Casey looked at Severide and explained, "I've learned how to hold myself together long enough until we're off shift..." in a defeated tone he added, "Then I come home and...decompress...fall apart..."

Severide was dumbstruck by this revelation.

"Isn't there medication for that?"

"I can't let anybody know about this, Kelly," Casey turned towards him with eyes wide full of fear, he lunged at Kelly and threw his arms around the Squad lieutenant and begged him, "Don't tell anybody at 51 about this..."

"Hey, hey, take it easy," Kelly recovered from his own mild shock as he reciprocated the hug and used one hand to calmly pat Casey on the back, "it's alright, I'm not going to tell anybody anything that you don't want me to. But what're you doing down here?"

Casey pulled back from Kelly, sat back on his heels and told him, "This is what I do when...it's the only place I really feel safe when it happens. Trust me, I know how stupid it sounds. When Hallie left me, and walked out...I spent half the night under here, just waiting for everything to go away...it's what I've done for years."

"Since when?" Kelly asked.

"Since my mom killed my dad and went to jail," Casey answered matter-of-factly.

Kelly felt like he'd been punched in the gut, he should've guessed that would've been where it started but he'd never thought about it. And he still couldn't wrap his head around it.

"Casey...this doesn't make sense...what do you do on shift?"

Matt paused for a moment before answering, "Wait until everyone else has turned in for the night...and I sleep under my bunk."

Kelly felt like he was in the Twilight Zone now. It didn't seem possible that the two of them could've known each other for as long as they had, and he never had any idea what was going on.

"I'm sorry, Matt," he didn't know what else to say, "I didn't know."

Casey looked at him and told him, "There is so much about my life that I can't ever tell anyone about...I get sick to death of being the Type A personality freak who can't ever be normal."

In spite of the pain that was obvious in Casey's voice, Severide couldn't help chuckling as he replied to his best friend, "What would I do with you if you were normal?"

"Kelly, it's not funny."

"Come on, Casey, it's a known fact nobody at 51 is normal, they can't be, or we're in real trouble."

That got a small laugh from the Truck lieutenant.

Kelly reached over and cautiously placed a hand on Matt's cheek and told him, "Come on, Casey, you know if something's bothering you, you can tell me."

Casey shook his head. "Not this stuff, Kelly...it's too personal...anybody who never has panic attacks can't begin to understand what they're like."

"If you ever change your mind," Kelly told him, "you know where to find me."

Casey looked at him and said nothing at first, then after a minute he quietly replied, "Thanks, Kelly."

"You want to come out from there now?" Severide asked.

Matt sighed in defeat and pressed his hands against the carpet to scoot out from under the table. Kelly moved back, grabbed his hand and helped pull the blonde man to his feet.

"Have you eaten?"

The grunt that was Casey's answer didn't indicate either way.

"You want to watch TV?" Kelly asked.

Casey looked down and shook his head.

"Come on," Kelly clapped a hand on Casey's shoulder, "Let's get you to bed and you can stretch out and relax."

"Kelly..." Matt turned to him and froze for a second, then, almost ashamedly, he said to the Squad lieutenant, "Stay...please..."

Outside the wind was howling even louder and sounded like it was trying to tear the walls off the building, if there was a storm coming, it was definitely closer now.

"Know what? That actually sounds like a good idea," Kelly said.

Kelly stopped between the kitchen and the bedroom and listened to the sound of the rain beating down, as well as the more persistent sound of the hail pinging against the window as the storm raged outside. It had been doing this for the better part of half an hour, and so far showed no signs of letting up anytime soon. Severide shook his head and returned to the bedroom, one plate in each hand both carrying a sandwich; he'd finally managed to talk Casey into eating something.

The bedroom was dark, the lights were off, but he was still able to see Casey propped up in the bed, staring at the wall in front of him and listening to the rain pouring down and the occasional rumble of thunder in the distance.

"See? I told you it was the weather," Kelly said as he walked over to the bed and handed Casey one of the plates.

"I've had these attacks no matter what the weather was doing," Casey responded.

Kelly sat at the foot of the bed and looked at Matt for a minute before asking him, "You want to talk about it?"

Casey snorted and shook his head, "Not really."

"Can I ask a question?" Kelly wanted to know. "This ever happen on a call?"

Matt looked down and dropped his head to his chest.

"Casey?"

"Once in a while," he answered suddenly, surprisingly. He looked back up at Severide and told him, "I know how bad it is. Firefighters aren't supposed to panic, you panic you die, we all learned that at the academy."

"Casey, nobody is blaming you for anything-"

"There have been a few times...for the life of me I couldn't move...it took everything I had to take another step and keep going...nobody knows...nobody knew."

"I meant what I said, I'm not telling anyone," Kelly responded.

"Nobody knew," Matt repeated, "Hallie never knew..."

"How'd you do that?" Kelly asked.

"They don't happen all the time...there'd be weeks between them, sometimes months...she'd be at work...or out with her girl friends...it feels like I can't breathe, I start shaking, I get dizzy...it's horrible, Kelly, it's not something I can help, I've tried, the best I can do is keep myself pulled together long enough to get away from everyone else so I can break down in private..."

"But you're good now, right?" Kelly asked.

Casey dryly chuckled, "Yeah, good now, only until the next time, and I know there will be a next time...it's just a matter of when."

Kelly listened to the rain pounding against the side of the building, and thought for a minute, then turned back to Casey and asked, "You mind if I come over after next shift?"

Casey shrugged his shoulders, "Sure, I guess."

Severide knocked on the apartment door, once again found it unlocked and showed himself in. "Hey Casey, you home?" He made his way in, stopped at the dining room table and bent down, "Casey?"

"Very funny," Kelly straightened his back and saw Casey standing in the doorway to the kitchen. Casey also noticed that Kelly had brought his gym bag with him. "What's that?"

Kelly pulled the strap over his shoulder and set the bag on the table. "I don't know if this will help the next time you have an anxiety attack, but I thought it couldn't hurt to try." He unzipped the bag and took out a metal canister with a spout on top.

Casey scrutinized over the item and raised an eyebrow questioningly, "Canned oxygen?"

"A lot of the guys at the gym use it after a workout, it's also supposed to be good for high altitudes where the air's thin," Kelly handed it over to Matt and told him, "but forget what the label says about a hundred doses, you only get about 30 hits off of it, but if it works, let me know, I'll get you another."

Casey looked at the canister in his hand and glanced over the back of the label. He returned his gaze to the man standing in front of him and told him, "Thanks, Kelly...even if it doesn't help, thanks a lot, I really appreciate this."

"I'm just trying to think of something that can help."

"Well...I don't know it helps, but it's not as bad not having to keep it a secret from everyone now," Casey said.

Kelly saw Casey's hands shaking and he was fidgeting and for a second he thought Matt was going into another attack, instead the Truck lieutenant closed the gap between them and locked his arms around Severide in a crushing hug.

"Thanks...for everything," Casey told him.

Kelly smiled as he reached around and slapped Casey on the back, "That's what I'm here for."

"Oh, speaking of which," Casey pulled back, "why did you come over the other day?"

"I'd tried calling you and you never answered," Kelly explained.

"Yeah, I know, I saw the missed calls, but why were you?" Casey asked.

Kelly's face took on a sheepish smile as he responded, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."