The first time she meets his adopted father is in the emergency room waiting room.

She doesn't quite remember what happened after she realized it was Kakashi on that stretcher. She remembers standing outside of her car. She remembers reaching for Kakashi. She remembers rain, so much rain.

There are physical pains to fill in some of the gaps in her memory. Her arms hurt. The memory of being restrained seeps out. Her throat hurts. She feels how his name scraped out of her in screams. Her hands hurt. She looks down to see dry blood caked around her palms, from her hands gripped so tight into fists that she made deep cuts with her nails. She absently decides not to get acrylic nails again.

She is not sure how she got to the hospital. She is not sure where she left her car. She is not sure how long she has been in the hospital. She doesn't really care.

She is staring numbly at the wall in front of her when Minato-sama bursts through the doors. A tall man with spiky white hair is hot on his heels. When she the tall man, part of her brain realizes she has seen this man but is not sure why.

The tall man strides to the front desk and demands to know of Kakashi's condition. He receives the same information that they gave Sakura: no one knows until he's out of surgery. The tall man opens his mouth, perhaps to yell more, when Minato-sama puts a hand on his shoulder and shakes his head. All of the energy seems to deflate out of the tall man and he nods, turning to sit on one of the hard, plastic chairs. Minato-sama notices Sakura and guides them both towards her.

"Jiraiya-sensei, this is Sakura. Kakashi's girlfriend" Minato introduces her once they approach. "Sakura, this is Kakashi's father." Jiraiya nods to her.

"Nice to meet you." He says half-heartedly, holding his hand out to shake hers. She takes his hand slowly, shaking it weakly.

"I…" she croaks out. Her throat protests and she has to clear it a couple of times before her voice comes out hoarsely. "I thought his father was dead?" Jiraiya snorts and shakes his head.

"Figures the dumbass wouldn't mention me." Jiraiya grumbles. He and Minato-sama sit in the seats across from Sakura. "I adopted the twerp when he was five."

"Oh, I'm sorry." She replies. Her brain takes in the new information awkwardly. She is confused as to why Kakashi never mentioned it once in the year they were dating. Jiraiya shrugs.

"That's okay. He never mentioned you either."

This information stabs her. She nods quietly and they lapse back into silence.

The first time she meets Kakashi's best friends is at the funeral.

She hears the low buzz of speech around her but can't bring herself to stand up. Her eyes are locked on the urn sitting at the front of the room. She supposes she is thankful he didn't want to have an open casket funeral. She doesn't think she can take it to see his cold, lifeless body again. Seeing him at the hospital was more than enough.

"Oh Sakura dear, how are you?" a coworker comes up to her and puts a hand on her shoulder. "I have been so worried about you!" Sakura nods at all the right places as the coworker (she knows they've met before, she knows she could remember her name if she tried, but what's the point?) jabbers on, tears streaming down her face, and at the end Sakura manages to mutter out a small thank you.

She spots Jiraiya on the other side of the room and nods to him when they make eye contact. He nods back and disappears into another room. She doesn't get up to offer her condolences. They spent enough time together at the hospital for her to realize he didn't want them. He just wanted Kakashi to wake up. She understands because she feels the same way.

She feels a hand on her shoulder again and takes a deep breath to muster up the energy to take another speech. She turns and sees Minato-sama with a raven-haired man and a brunette woman.

"Hello Sakura." Minato-sama says. He looks into her eyes for a long moment and squeezes her shoulder. She appreciates that he doesn't ask how she's doing.

"So this is her, huh?" the raven-haired man asks. "I'm Obito. Kakashi's best friend." He thrusts a hand out to her. Sakura takes his hand and shakes it.

"I'm sorry we are meeting under these circumstances," she says softly, dropping her hand back to her side.

"We may never have. He never mentioned you." Obito replies with a shrug. Pain wracks through her. The brunette woman steps forward and whacks Obito on the back of the head.

"Obito! Ugh, what is wrong with you?" she reprimands him. She turns to Sakura with a small smile. "Hi Sakura, I'm Rin, one of Kakashi's childhood friends." Rin shook her hand briefly and glared at Obito.

"Well, it's true." Obito muttered, rubbing his head. "But I guess that's why he stopped hanging out with us." Rin pulls Obito aside and the two begin bickering quietly.

Obito reminds Sakura a bit of Naruto, and Sakura's mind flashes to a world of "what could have been." In another world, Sakura would like to think that Kakashi would have introduced them all eventually. She watches Obito and Rin argue and imagines Kakashi there. The image looks more complete. She imagines herself there. She thinks they could have gotten along.

He never mentioned you.

"Sakura, don't worry about him." Minato-sama urges to her quietly. He hands her a tissue. She takes it confusedly when she feels water drop onto her chest. She touches her face and feels the moisture there. She doesn't know how long she has been crying.

"How do you know all of these people, Minato-sama?" she asks, wiping her face. Minato-sama throws her a confused look.

"Oh, I thought Kakashi would have said something? I've known Kakashi since he was a child. I taught martial arts to him, Obito, and Rin for years." Minato replies in surprise. "That's why he called me sensei."

Again, Sakura takes in this information awkwardly. She does not know what to do with it. Before she can respond, someone steps up to the podium.

"Would everyone please take their seats? The service is about to begin." The man calls out. Everyone starts moving towards the chairs while Rin drags a disgruntled Obito back.

"Let's go sensei." Rin calls softly, looping an arm with Minato-sama. She turns towards Sakura. "It was nice to meet you."

"Yeah," Sakura replies, sitting down as the trio moves to the front row. She sees Rin throw her arms around Jiraiya, who hugs her back just as tightly. Minato-sama puts an arm around Obito, who is shaking with hands balled into fists at his side. She sees a few more people—a man with a toothpick hanging from his lips, a beautiful pale woman with dark hair and red eyes, a man putting out a lit cigarette, a man with thick eyebrows dressed in green spandex—gathering towards the front row. Even more people gather there and she realizes she doesn't know a single one.

And none of them know her.

She goes through the motions throughout the procession. She sits and stands and kneels at the appropriate times according to the prayers. She hears people speak but doesn't know the Kakashi that they describe. She stands when the man from before announces it is time to spread the ashes.

Jiraiya grabs the urn, and the group that was seated in the front row break off from the rest of the group. They get into their cars and drive away as Sakura watches.

The first time Sakura comes into work after Kakashi's death, she sees him everywhere.

She passes by his desk once she exits the elevator. She remembers the feel of his desk pressed into her back when he kissed her for the first time. Now, it is already empty, as if he was never there, and her heart clenches at the sight. She puts her lunch in the break room and lingers without thinking. She feels his absence where he would be next to her, leaning against the counter and teasing her for eating a salad for lunch when he knew she ate terribly at home.

She sits at her desk and glances at the stairwell. She hears her own awkward laughter and the warm feel of his hand in hers. She feels her body warm at the memory. She blinks and it's gone.

The day picks up and all of the work she had neglected distracts her for a few hours. She instinctively heads to the printing room on the farther side of the office. She expects to bump into Kakashi in there—he always heads to the printing room when he sees her head towards it—but jumps when she sees someone else from finance instead on his way out (must be a new guy, she doesn't recognize him).

"Whoops, sorry!" he says cheerily and steps to the side to let her in before heading back out. The papers flutter out of her hand to the floor and she remembers that she will never bump into Kakashi again.

She resigns by the end of the day.

The first time she breaks down about everything is, of course, to Ino.

"I know it's hard," Ino says softly in a rare moment of compassion. "But you can't stay inside all day. This isn't good for you. He wouldn't want you to live like this." Sakura rolls over.

"Who knows what he would want?" Sakura replies. "I hardly even knew him."

"Don't say that, you knew him better than everyone." Ino scolds her. Sakura shakes her head.

"I don't know anything about him." She sobs quietly, curling into herself. "I didn't know he did martial arts. I never met his best friends, or his dad. I didn't even know he was adopted. He never even mentioned me to any of the important people in his life. And now he never will."

Ino pulls her into a tight embrace and rubs Sakura's back as her body shakes with sobs. She rocks her softly, smoothing her hair down. When Sakura's breathing slows down, she replies.

"Of course there were some things you didn't know about him." Sakura pulled back to argue. "And okay, to be fair, some of those things were pretty big. But you do know one thing. He loved you." Sakura's eyes welled up with tears again.

"How do you know?" she whimpered, eyes set down on her fists.

"I could see it. Everyone could." She reassured Sakura, rubbing her arms. "And he told you himself. Kakashi would never say something if he didn't mean it."

Sakura nods but isn't sure what she believes anymore. But she knows she can't handle much more of this conversation, and so she lets Ino believe that she believes her.

The first time she drinks after Kakashi's death is because it is Ino's birthday. She lets Ino dress her up and slather too much makeup on her face. Sakura isn't sure she can handle it but Ino shoves a shot into her hand right before they run out the door. Sakura throws it back and the burn in her throat is the most she's felt in weeks.

They end up at a raunchy nightclub with a large group because Ino is dating a promoter who promises her bottle service. They enter the VIP area. Ino goes to mingle with the group and Sakura is reminded that the last time she went out drinking, Kakashi carried her home.

Sakura grabs an open bottle from the table and takes a swig. The burn trickles down her throat and spreads warmth through her body. She remembers the warmth she felt in his arms. She takes another swig. She hears his low chuckle in her ear. And another. She smells the musky scent of his cologne. And another.

"Hey girl, how's it going?" a voice calls from beside her. She turns her head and sees broad shoulders and a head of black hair. Good. Not grey.

"Good now, how are you?" she asks with a bright smile, blinking her eyes to focus so she can see his face. She feels an arm slip around her waist.

"Even better now that you're here," a voice whispers against her ear. She giggles at the tickling feeling. "Want another drink?"

"Sure!" she chirps, attempting to take a swig from the bottle. She frowns when nothing comes out. She hears a laugh.

"That one's empty. Here, let's drink this." The bottle is plucked from her hands and replaced by another. She takes a swig and passes the bottle back.

They continue that way, talking and laughing and passing the bottle back and forth. With every sip, her head spins, but it's spinning away from Kakashi for once, and she's thankful. At some point they tumble out onto the dance floor, bodies swaying together, and then they stumble out the door into the cool night air, laughing.

"You're fun," he breathes into her ear. "Want to come over?"

She nods and he takes her hand.

The first time she sleeps with someone else, she locks herself in her apartment and cries for so long she wonders how her body keeps producing more tears. She scrubs her skin raw trying to forget the feeling of someone else on her.

The first time she has a proper conversation with one of Kakashi's childhood friends is at the park. She has just had lunch with Ino and is walking home when she hears someone call her name. She turns and sees a man waving at her.

"Sakura, right?" he calls cheerfully. Sakura nods slowly, head tilted to the side.

"Yes. I'm sorry, have we met?" she asks. The man shakes his head.

"No, we never got the pleasure, but Kakashi-senpai mentioned your bright pink hair often enough." Sakura's heart jumps at the mention of Kakashi. "Not many people have that color of hair naturally!"

"You…you knew Kakashi?"

"Unfortunately, since we were kids. We took martial arts together," the man explains with a laugh.

"And you said that he mentioned me?" Sakura asks softly. Her heart swells hopefully as the man nods.

"Oh yeah, plenty of times. In fact, I have been trying to get in contact with you! The only person who had your contact information was Minato-sensei, and then you left the company," the man exclaims. "I have something for you from senpai. Do you have some time right now? My shop is just a few blocks away from here."

"Yes, yes of course." Sakura nods vigorously. The man starts walking away, gesturing for her to follow him. "Did he really used to talk about me a lot?"

"Yeah, I remember when you two first started dating. He would not shut up about the 'cute but really klutzy pink-haired girl with the nice ass.'" The man rolls his eyes then blushes. Sakura giggles as he stammers, "Uh, not that I was checking you out or anything, Kakashi-senpai would kill me! His words, not mine. I mean, not that you don't have a nice… I mean-"

"What's your name?" Sakura interrupts his awkward tirade. The man laughs in relief.

"I'm Yamato."

"Oh, why does that sound so familiar?" Sakura wracks her brains.

"I own a plant nursery. Kakashi used to steal flowers from me to give to you." Yamato explains with a roll of his eyes. "You might remember seeing my company name on the tags. Anyways, welcome to Yamato's Nursery!"

Sakura's eyes widen as they enter the nursery. It is filled with organized rows of lush, beautiful varieties of plants. She marvels at the sight as she follows Yamato further down the rows.

"It's beautiful," she breathes, gazing around.

"Thank you!" Yamato smiles in appreciation. "Kakashi-senpai always talked about bringing you here but it was always hard to figure out a time since we operate around the same hours you two would work."

"What…what else would Kakashi mention about me?" Sakura asks quietly. Yamato stops walking and she feels his questioning stare on her. She keeps steadfast eye contact with a sign that reads "specialty geraniums."

"I'm not sure either of us have time to hear that answer." Yamato finally answers with a chuckle. "He talked about you constantly."

Sakura's heart flutters in her chest and a genuine smile creeps onto her face for the first time in months. "Oh. That's good."

"Why do you ask?" he asks, trying to catch her eye. Sakura avoids the eye contact and frowns. They stand in silence for a few moments. There is so much Sakura wants to say and find out about Kakashi, but she unloading all of this on a virtual stranger feels odd. But the dam holding everything back is shaking and Yamato is waiting so patiently and so kindly and finally she can't help herself.

"Kakashi was just…such a mystery." Sakura almost whispers. "I used to think I knew so much about him. But after… after he passed, I found out there was so much more. So much I never knew. Right before the accident, we had gotten into a fight. I wanted to move in together, but he kept saying he wasn't sure what he wanted and that we weren't ready to move in together anyways. I thought he was just scared of commitment, but now I wonder if he was right."

Yamato's snort interrupts her. He stares at her wide eyed, as if the snort was unintentional.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off!" he says quickly. "But that man was definitely scared to death of commitment. As far as I know, you were the only woman he really ever called his girlfriend."

"Really?" Sakura asks disbelievingly.

"Oh yeah, definitely. Look, I won't pretend to understand the complexities behind the tortured, genius mind of Kakashi." Yamato says as he rolls his eyes. "And it was your relationship, so you know it better than anyone else. But Kakashi is a secretive guy. He always had been. If he kept anything from you, it wasn't because he didn't care. It was probably just instinct. He had a pretty rough childhood, and he learned to cope with it by locking things up and keeping others in the dark. It definitely wasn't healthy, but that's how he did it. He does the same to everyone in his life.

"Kakashi wasn't just scared of commitment, he flat out didn't know how to do it. That's part of why I heard so much about you. He would come here constantly to steal my flowers to give to you, and that's all he really knew how to do. As big of a genius as that guy was, he had a lot to learn about interpersonal relationships. But I'm pretty confident when I say he definitely loved you."

Yamato ends that sentence with a shrug. When Sakura doesn't reply, he waves her forward and they continue their walk through the nursery.

Sakura is still digesting what Yamato said when he stops. He picks up a pot of flowers and hands it to her.

"Here you go. It was supposed to be for your anniversary, but I think I'm a bit late in the delivery." Yamato explains softly. He picks up the card that was next to it. "He wrote this for you too."

"Thank you." Sakura takes the items gingerly, hands shaking.

"You can stay back here, no one will bother you." Yamato nods towards the direction they came from. "I'll be in the main shop area." He gives a small wave and heads away quickly.

The tag on the potted flowers reads "Chrysanthemums." It comes in a range of colors from pink to yellow to orange. They are beautiful.

She sets the pot down carefully and picks up the card. She sees her name across the front in Kakashi's sloppy handwriting and outlines it slowly with her finger, tears pooling in her eyes. She turns it over and laughs. Kakashi always found it disgusting to lick envelopes and so usually sealed his with ridiculous stickers. This one was sealed with a sticker of a squash nosed pug wearing a headband and a bandage around its front right leg. She peeled it off slowly, careful not to rip it, and stuck in on the front of the envelope. Finally, she pulls the letter out and begins to read it.

Sakura,

Yamato said it's depressing that I keep stealing his flowers and killing them when I gift them to you and I should give you something alive for once that you can take care of. I think he's just being cheap, but I suppose I'll defer to the plant expert here. We picked Chrysanthemums because apparently they represent loyalty and love, which seems fitting for a "first ever anniversary gift." I'm not sure what the typical protocol is here but I've heard flowers are always a good call.

Oh, yes, and happy anniversary.

I'm still not quite sure how this went from you snorting lemonade at me to this, but I suppose I can admit that I am thankful. Work is far less boring when I can look forward to our quickies in the janitor's closet.

In all seriousness, being with you has been one of the most uncomfortable but enjoyable experiences I have gone through thus far. Thank you for being the adorable klutz that you are, and for all the craziness you've brought into my life. I don't know what's next. I've never made it this far. But I'm glad I made it with you.

Anyways, you know I'm a numbers guy, and fitting words together in pretty sentences is not my thing. So I think it would be in both of our best interests to end this letter now. I love you. Thank you for loving me.

Love,

Kakashi

A/N: I purely read the manga and never watched the anime, so I know that my characterizations are likely off, but that's why this is an ~AU~. Also ahhh I'm sorry to the few reviewers who thought this might end up happy. The first thing I wrote for this whole story was "The first time she sleeps with someone else" section. At that time, I hadn't decided how the two of them ended yet (breaking up, cheating, death, etc.) but I knew they were ending. It was never meant to be Sakura and Kakashi frolic together happily into the sunset. But I hope this took you on a journey anyways. And I hope you enjoyed your time on it. Thank you for stopping by.