DISCLAIMER

The following is a fan-based

FICTION

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Chapter 1: Friendship is like a Missile!

Illyasviel von Einzbern blinked calmly as she downed the content of the glass she had asked for.

Water was nice to keep help throat refreshed as she tried to clear her mind about... this.

Red eyes focused on the man sprawled over the counter, several empty glasses lying around him as he giggled drunkly as he continued to dumbly stare at the ceiling.

You would ask 'why would a proud member of the Einzbern family be sitting in one of the few pubs in Fuyuki?'.

Well, the answer could be articulated in two major reasons:
1) She had learned from a quick research she had done prior to walking around town that her 'big brother' worked in this particular place in town. It was quite disheartening to know that the heir of her fa-Kiritsugu was forced to spend time in this kind of places to gain some coin. What a shameful discovery!
2) Illya had long contemplated trying to have something alcoholic to drink and this had proven to be quite the difficult task, especially since A) Leys and Sella, bless their unique caring capacities, were able to nag at her about purity and that stuff and B) The barista, a young woman, had been quite adamant to not let her even be near to anything that could give her a first taste of the forbidden world of alcohol;

Miffed at being rebuffed even after having made sure that her maids were out of the picture that night, Illya was forced to merely sip at her glass of water as she planned how to destroy the pub by being the most destructive ever, maybe even make it explode the moment her naughty 'Onii-chan' decided to pass by.

She giggled to herself. What a beautiful sight to enjoy with some sweet nectar like... apple juice?

At this the girl groaned at the irking idea she had such a limited knowledge regarding beverages.

It was at this point that he appeared.

Wide-eyed, quite ruffled by what she could discern from his strange hair-style and tattered clothes. A foreigner?

The very idea was nice, a small part of her wondered what was someone like him doing in a place like this. Curiousity urged her to stay and to renounce to her plans of revenge... momentarely at least.

"C-Can I have a strong vodka?" His tone was panicky, even more confusing and intriguing as the barista frowned at the request.

Surely enough the man was offered a small glass of trasparent liquid, akin to water to her eyes but surprisingly bitter to her nose. What kind of person would drink that concoction?

And yet he did, the man downed the entire content without thinking twice, his cheeks already flaring as heat surged in his body. She had read that this was what happened only when the alcoholic beverage was either too strong for the user or drunk too much from the very person.

Another glass. He sat contently in one of the stools, not too far from where Illya was watching the whole transformation.

By the 5th glass, the stranger was giggling silly and a small smile had formed in her face. She had read about this too, something about the different kind of drunkyards one could encounter. This one seemed to be the quiet one, the most harmless of the bunch if she remembered correctly.

Her jaw dropped when he finished licking the bottom of the 20th glass, paling a little as Illya knew that too much alcohol would cause some serious poisoning if this continued for too long.

The barista was shocked too, her brown eyes staring dumbly at the foreigner as she tried to quickly distance the remaining bottles of Vodka away from the giggling mess that has been born from that experience.

"Sir, you shouldn't be consuming this much- Do you need me to call an ambulance?"

"N-Nah~" The man voiced quietly but drunk-happily. "I mwean one of mwy plan was to die or.. stuff, yes. I wanted to die and stuff."

The brunette backed away at this comment. "S-Sir?"

"I mwean, it was either that or.. to soothe this?" He pulled his arm up and Illya had to gulp nervously at the sight she was offered.

How did she miss the butchered thing that was slowly regenerating when he had entered?

The barista didn't fare much better, the young woman clearly seeing something so bloody in her whole life if her reaction was.. *Thump* fall like a stringless puppet to the floor.

Illya sipped again at this half-empty cup and thought about this all as the man merely shook his head as if what he had just seen was the dumbest thing in the world.

Was this a Master? Possibly no, there was no sign of Command Spells on his body and.. she couldn't feel any Servant nearby.

If those had died in a battle it would be incredibly humiliating but also quite confusing since... she hadn't felt their soul entering her.

Final conclusion? He wasn't a Master but.. somehow was hurted mid-Holy Grail War so... why?

Her musing interrupted instantly as soon as he felt her name being called.

"H-Hey, you are Illya!" He was pointing at her with his healthy hand and.. she blinked.

"Yes?" He giggled at her dumbfounded look and stared at the wooden ceiling.

"Illya-chaaaan, you should have had your routeeeee. Gooodddammit Naaasuuuu!"

...What?

"You suffered so much because of that fugly grandfather and your papa being a dick."

That was... an incredibly accurate depiction of her suffering. She hated both with a passion but... how did he knew that?

"Your papa is mostly a double-dick... okay, maybe a single-dick because he tried to save you after the-the war ten years ago but.. but wanky grandpa wanted to turn you into a mini-Anakin."

...He had? This was seriously a.. curious revelation. Sure, this might as well be a drunk man's feverish moment but... what if he was telling the truth? Illya thought about it with a more analytical view, considering how much her grandfather or.. 'Wanky grandpa' *giggle* could have gained from that situation.

He had given her righteous fury and set her on a path in this bloody war... wow, that sounded incredibly possible now that she mused over it.

And what was an Anakin?!

"But Kerry is still a dick!" He proclaimed so proudly and giggly, something that oddly enough soothed part of Illya's growing rage towards those two individuals. "He was unfaithful, Illya-chan!"

...

"WHAT?!"

He flinched and put his hands near his ears, the gory hand surprisingly healed fully now.

"Not so loud..."

She blinked and sighed at that request. "I'm sorry, can you continue?"

He coughed and nodded as his mouth opened. "Your papa thought that the best way to-to not get emotional when your mama had to go.. that he thought cheating on her would be.. right?"

He hummed quietly and then nodded. "A-And your mama even was tempted by their Servant, Saber was.. incredibly attractive to her."

"You mean romantically or lewdly?"

He blinked and turned his head to stare deeply at her before blinking again. "Yes."

For some reason that... that sounded quite confusing. But- Wait!

"D-Did mama hurt papa?"

"I.. I know she didn't. She didn't even do anything with Saber."

Thank the Gaia and Alaya! At least one of her parents could still be held up as a great person in her memories.

"I- How did you get hurt? I can sense some magical energy but-" "Oh, that was Medusa's fault."

Medusa? She remembered about reading about this greek mythological being while studying about Herakles but...

"You mean you know about.. the war?" He nodded absently as he sighed to himself. "She was a biiitch. I mean, who would be shredding some dude's arm on their first date?"

The Einzbern frowned at that curious wording. Dating? Why would he say-Ohhh. Her eyes widened in realisation at the phrasing. "You meant jokingly... right?"

Curse her lacking sense of jokes!

"Yeah!" He smiled quite widely and she frowned at the mere idea someone would appear this happy at being hurted. It was quite concerning if this one was going to turn in one of her enemies. "She has super-bazonkas and- I'm sorry!"

"Uh?" That apology so quickly why would he- oh.. right..

A depressed cloud appear above her head as she remembered how.. underdeveloped she was in some department.

"I'm sorry, Illya-chan!" She looked up from her disheartened stare as he looked quite panicked. "I am sure you will get a good body after the War and all.. one with good *points at chest* and a curvy booty!"

While she was 20 years old and quite accustomed to foul language for a reason or another, the short girl blushed hard to that surprisingly lewd but determined sentence.

Yet she had to smile at the blunt honesty and the genuine attempt to reach her out.

"I-I suppose I will, miiiister?" A pout slowly formed in her face as she saw that the man had fallen asleep that very moment. "Oh c'mon!" She brought her arms close to her chest and huffed at the annoying development.

Disappointment vanished the moment a devious plan started to form in her head.

The stranger had been kind and, seeing the state of distraught he was, Illya was sure he was also quite homeless and poor. She giggled as Berserker appeared out of his astralised form and approached the snoring being on the counter.

She left the pub, uncaring of the wreck the man had left before going to sleep, smiling and all as her Servant continued to hold close the curious individual she had just met.

Part of her found amusing the very idea of seeing a seething Sella when she arrived to the castle with her unique friend.

But it wasn't Illya-chan's fault if the stern maid had limited her 'taking care' to just animals.

Another giggle left her mouth as the first night prior to the real beginning of the war ended with a positive note.

AN

This is an experiment with the dual motivation of:
1) Kill my headaches;
2) Channel my feverish state onto writing stuff.

The reason why I didn't upload any of the chapters I had was ready to upload: I went to visit my Grandma, it has been ages since I saw her and kind of got screw by multiple things I was allergic to. Good news? FPO Redux Chapter is going to be published tomorrow; Bad news? I don't know if I will manage to pump out the CCG Repairman chapter I had planned to load today; Maybe I will do it but.. I don't want to raise your hopes senselessly.

Why this is happening and why are you writing this? I have noticed that many people have quite ignored most of the stories that are not Gamer!Fic. Kind of a shameful accusation but.. numbers speak loudly. SOO this is my attempt to see if I can pull something out of my brain that everyone can like? I don't have high hopes but.. I will state how this will roll:
This fanfiction might span from FSN to other Fate-Related parts (that means Apocrypha, Extra, Extra CCC, Zero, Hollow Ataraxia and so on!) but it will all be told and twisted in such a crackish/deadpoolish way that I found myself shocked to even think about!

You wrote 'might'! You.. YOU TRIED TO CHEAT ON ME! *Pulls knife out*: No, don't kill me (xD)! By all means my schedule will remain untouched. As I said this is merely an experiment that will turn in proper story if this gain *cough* 50 Followers on the first week *cough*. A big number? Maybe but.. it takes a lot of focus to write 10 stories at the same time! Sure, I love writing but... I am quite human and, if I turn in a Dead Apostle, I will think about upping my tally to 50 stories a day! (What a foolish dream you have there, Bukharin-san. -Kirei Kotomine)