Disclaimer: see my profile

A/n this story takes place a few days after "Elephants Memory," in season three. I began this story about three years ago, and wrote a couple of chapters. My inspiration dried up, but was reinvigorated with the season finale. I have always been a JJ and Reid shipper, but pushed it aside after she married Will and changed into the mean girl and ninja Barbie. Personally, I've always wished that the show would've killed off Will in the seventh season finale, but since that didn't happen, I've lived with it, begrudgingly. I will get rid of Will very quickly in this story - not killed, but you'll see what I mean.

Dr. Spencer Reid leaned back in his office chair and looked up at the shadow-filled ceiling. The golden light of his desk lamp glowed softly, partially revealing the line of leather-bound books across the front of his desk. The light also revealed the contours of his face, framed by long, wavy, golden brown hair. Some people, upon seeing him for the first time couldn't verbalize why they found him attractive. The dark circles under his eyes spoke of too much worry and too little sleep, but the eyes themselves hypnotized with their direct intensity. In some light, they appeared hazel, in others, like the indirect light of his desk lamp, they looked like smooth, melted milk chocolate. Now, those eyes stared at something indefinable beyond the bullpen of the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit.

Spencer blinked, like a man coming out of a trance, and sat up straight in his chair, his long, lean body stretching like a cat after a protracted and satisfying nap. He sighed, yawned, and blinked against the light pooling smoothly on his desk. One of his long-fingered, delicately shaped hands, made for the piano, or to touch a woman's skin, reached into his right-side pant pocket and felt a small, round shape. The medallion's unfamiliar contours confused his fingers but also conveyed a strength to him that he'd longed for when he'd first stepped into the Beltway Clean Cops meeting. He looked around carefully, even though everyone had left the office hours ago, and pulled it from his pocket. It flashed in the light of his lamp as he studied the markings.

Why?

This thought careened around in his head, as it had for the past four days. Why?

Spencer thought he understood now that he'd gone to another meeting, and this time, he'd completed what he'd started. He'd once again talked with John, who revealed more of his struggle with sobriety, and for the first time since Jack pulled the trigger in that high school bathroom, he felt like he could live with the name, "Dr. Spencer Reid – recovering addict."

"Still don't know why it works," he said softly to the empty room. "What magic do you hold?"

He began to manipulate the medallion through his fingers, making it dance. Real magic didn't exist. One couldn't make another person disappear and then bring them back, or saw through their body without harming them, or escape from a straitjacket while hanging upside down in a tank of water, or even make a rabbit appear in a hat, without trickery. The real magic lay in what you believe. Did he believe in this coin? Yes. After only four days, an emphatic yes.

Spencer pushed the coin back into his pocket and stood. He switched off the light over his desk and plunged the room into darkness, broken only by the overhead fluorescents near the elevator. He hurried through the double glass doors with the FBI Insignia carved into the surface and approached the elevators. He reached for the down button when someone rounded the corner of the hallway that led to the elevators. It was JJ. His hand twitched and fell to his side without touching the call button. His heart leaped at the sight of her in a white blouse, and black skirt with her phone tucked in her ear and her bag in her hand. She strode toward him on feet that moved with angry purpose.

"I don't have time this weekend! No! This last case – Stop it, Will. You knew when we started, this thing, whatever it is, that my work is important to me. No. No! No! Fine, if that's how you feel, then goodbye, William!"

She slapped her phone shut and shoved it away in a pocket. She seemed to notice Reid because she stopped, and her lovely blue eyes, full of anger and tears confronted him. "What are you doing, Spence?" She demanded.

"Um, just waiting for the elevator. I thought you left," he added lamely and twitched his messenger bag to his shoulder as he wished the elevator would hurry and whisk him away to someplace he didn't have to see her eyes and be simultaneously aroused and frightened.

"It helps to push the button," she snapped, and he could see it was better not to speak.

She jabbed at the button and waited with her foot tapping impatiently on the tile floor. She wiped at her eyes and studiously ignored Reid until the elevator doors finally opened. He stepped in and did not attempt to push a button as JJ seemed to have that under control as well. He stared straight ahead and fought to ignore the impulse to put his arm around her and say something trite and unfeeling, like, "It'll be okay JJ."

He fidgeted with the strap on his messenger bag and began to wish that he'd taken the stairs when JJ said. "I'm sorry, Spence."

He dared to look at her, and she stared at him like she wanted to talk but couldn't think of what to say. Well, he could relate to that, because it happened a lot when she was in his sphere of existence. Except for one time – no, he wouldn't think of that night. He decided to put the ball back in her court, as he'd heard the guys say when talking of sports. "Why?" He said, cleverly.

"I didn't mean to snap at you – it's just that, never mind. I'm sorry."

The elevator opened on the first floor and he followed her like a puppy out to the parking lot. The early spring weather was cold, but he didn't feel it despite his short sleeves. A breeze played with his hair as they walked through the dark. He was about to split off from her and hurry away to the train station when a hand on his arm stopped him.

He looked back at JJ who had fresh tears rolling down her cheeks. "Um, look I'm sorry, but I need to talk. Would you like to go get a drink with me?"

Yes!

"Ah, I don't think that's a good idea, JJ. I sort of overheard you on the phone and you're upset so –"

"That's why I want to talk to you. You're my friend, right?"

"Yeah, sure."

I wish we were more.

Reid managed not to give voice to his hopes. Instead, he said. "All right, I'll have one drink with you."

"Thanks, Spence."

"You're welcome."

Reid followed her to her car, a black sedan with a comfortable leather interior. It was as different as night and day from his old Volvo. Still, he liked his car. This vehicle seemed too new and complicated with its electronic everything. "Nice car," he commented.

"Yeah, I bought it a year ago. It's three years old."

JJ started the engine and drove them to their favorite after-work hangout, or it was the team's favorite. He tolerated it because they liked it and he valued his friends. Luckily, it was a Wednesday night, and they found a booth in the back.

JJ ordered a drink as soon as they sat. "Keep em coming," she told the waiter.

Reid fluttered his fingers nervously when asked what he wanted. "Ah, club soda."

"Yes, sir."

JJ sat back and waited as rock music played in the background. Spencer looked around at the other patrons who sat in dim light and talked, laughed, or drank alone. JJ didn't speak, which made the blood pump fast in his veins.

Finally, he couldn't stand it. "So, um, what did you want to talk about?"

JJ shook her head, and her long, golden hair swished over her shoulders. Insanely, Reid wanted to touch it, to feel its texture on his fingers.

"It's nothing. Let's just enjoy the night."

He gulped and tried to smile. The last time they'd decided to "enjoy," time together had been a disaster. He shuddered and hoped she didn't see it. Their previous case had brought home reminders he wished he could forget.

"Okay," he squeaked

The waiter brought their drinks, and the interruption gave him a chance to regain his composure.

What composure. You lose it every time JJ is near you. Get over it!

He wished he could get over her. He wished their first date hadn't been to a football game.

"Spence?"

He blinked and realized JJ was trying to get his attention. "Sorry."

She shrugged and gulped down her drink. "It's fine; guys don't seem to listen to me anymore."

"JJ, I am sorry. I was just thinking – "

"Spence," she interrupted. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pull you into my problems."

"It's okay," he said as he stared at the bubbles in his club soda.

"No, it's not," she argued. "I think I'm losing it and taking it out on you."

The waiter brought her another drink and ignored Reid as if he weren't there.

"It's fine, JJ."

"No! I'm acting like a bitch, and it's all because of – " JJ broke off and picked up her drink. "You ever make a mistake, Spence. A huge mistake that you can't take back."

Oh, if you only knew, he thought, then felt his face flame because if she knew, she'd consider him weak and she'd despise him for it.

"Everybody makes mistakes, JJ." He managed to get out without squeaking.

"Yeah," she stated angrily. "Spence?"

"Yes."

"Can I tell you a secret?"

He swallowed a mouthful of club soda. "Sure."

"I'm dating someone."

"Ah, well that's great."

His breath hitched, and his chest felt like something squeezed it like a vice, even though he'd already figured out that she had someone, before he'd overheard her last phone call.

JJ smiled at him, but it dripped with sarcasm. "It was great, for a while, but not now."

She took another swallow from her drink and sighed.

"JJ, I don't know very much about relationships."

"It doesn't matter. I've decided to break up."

Her words galvanized him. His heart began to race as hope bloomed in his blood. "I'm sorry," he successfully lied, while maintaining eye contact.

"Don't be," she snapped, then tears filled her eyes. "I'm sorry, Spence."

"It's okay."

"No! It's not. Why do you do that?"

"What?" He responded, confused.

"You never get angry, even when you have the right."

"I get angry just like everyone," he countered and sipped at his drink.

Emily popped into his head and how he'd jumped down her throat when he'd still been shooting up Dilaudid.

"I've never seen it."

"Ask Morgan. He heard me tell off an LEO during our last case. I hated what happened to Owen, and I took it out on him."

"No one should be tortured like that," JJ agreed.

Reid swallowed hard and looked at his half-empty glass. "No," he said. "They shouldn't."

JJ's eyes fixed on his, and he wondered if he'd ever been able to extricate himself from their influence. Did he want to?

"Spence… I shouldn't have dragged you here. I'm feeling sorry for myself."

"It truly is okay, JJ. We're friends, and friends stand by each other."

"Yeah," she sighed. "They do. You're sweet, Spence."

He studied the floor, unable to meet her eyes and his face flamed again.

Say something!

"Thanks," he squeaked. "So are you."

Oh God, he wanted to get up and run out the door!

"Thanks, but I'm not feeling very sweet right now."

She downed the rest of the drink and signaled the waiter for another.

"JJ, are you sure you want another drink?"

She giggled. "Yeah, I can handle it."

An hour later, Reid drove her home, in her car. He barely noticed how smoothly the vehicle drove because she leaned over and had her head on his shoulder.

"JJ," he gently pushed her upright. "We're home."

"Good." She jumped at him and tried to kiss him.

"JJ, don't," he squeaked when her hand fell on his inner thigh.

"Don't push me away, Spence. I like you."

"I like you too, but you've had a lot to drink. You're not thinking clearly."

"It's okay," she slurred. "You're cute, and I'm horny."

"JJ, please…"

She tried to kiss him, but her lips met his hair instead of his mouth. "No, JJ, I won't take advantage of you."

He slipped away from her and out the door. He tried desperately to regain his emotional control as he rounded the car to the passenger side.

JJ attempted to get out of the car before he could open the door. She nearly fell, but in a rare show of skill and reflexes, Reid caught her in his arms.

"My hero," she sighed and tightened her grip on him. "Kiss me."

"No!"

God, he wanted to give in. His body wanted to overrule his head for once.

He hauled her up into his arms and carried her to the front door. By the time he got to the door open and walked inside he was sweating and trembling, from exertion. He found her bedroom and lay her on the bed.

"Don't go," JJ breathed when he straightened.

"I can't stay, JJ."

"Yes, you can." She giggled. "Don't you like girls."

"Yeah," he swallowed. "I like girls very much."

"Then what's the problem? Don't you like me."

"JJ, I do like you. That's why I have to leave."

She crooked her finger at him in a come on. "Make love to me, Spence. I need you."

She pushed up to a sitting position and reached for his trembling hands. "I know you want to," she teased with a smirk. "It's okay. I want you too."

Spencer leaned down and kissed her. Her mouth tasted like wine, and he realized for the first time since getting her home, that she reeked of alcohol. He jerked back, appalled, and pushed her away.

"Spence." She whined loudly. "What's the matter?"

"I need to go."

"Then go," she cried petulantly. "You're a lousy kisser."

He fought back the urge to respond, then flinched when she tumbled over on the bed, passed out cold.

He stood, looking at her for what seemed an eternity before his brain engaged and he realized he should leave.

Instead, he pulled off her shoes and tucked a colorful throw blanket around her. He took a chance and leaned over to kiss her forehead. "I love you, JJ." He whispered.

He looked around the room, then at JJ, then left the room. He hurried to the door, opened it, and shut it behind him. He wished he could lock the door, but her keys were inside. He'd have to trust she'd be okay because he couldn't stay. She'd hate him if he were still there when she woke, that much he knew for a fact.

Good thinking for once. Call a cab and get out of here!

He listened to his inner voice because for once it made sense and he wanted to go home and forget this night.