(I regret nothing.)

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy notes that the Hargreeves Siblings (AKA "The Umbrella Academy" AKA "The Most Dysfunctional Group Of Superheros Ever To Market Their Own Line Of Breakfast Cereals") were the sole reason Earth's entry into the encyclopedia was updated from "harmless" to "mostly harmless" and furthermore that the human creature designated "Number Five" (AKA "The Boy", AKA "Mister Five") was the twelfth deadliest assassin in the universe among carbon-based, bipedal lifeforms in possession of three arms or less. This made him something of a minor celebrity in certain circles that paid attention to that sort of thing, and not only because they all thought it was terribly cool that he didn't have a proper name.

More than anything it was Number Five's repeated attempts to shank reality itself which really impressed the pale, awkward beings that gathered in basements all over the universe to discuss things like their favorite temporal assassins and which of them would win in a death match if armed only with a cheese grater. For you see after a time-traveling mishap (which wasn't nearly as uncommon in that sector of the galaxy as one might think) Number Five found himself stranded in the not-to-distant future where an apocalypse had somewhat unfortunately wiped out humankind. (It should be noted that this was really only unfortunate to Number Five, as the rest of the universe was largely uncaring and the other humans who would have cared were already vaporized.) His ensuing efforts to reverse time and stop the apocalypse were akin to trying to shiv the space-time continuum into compliance and provided a great deal of entertainment to anyone not on the receiving end of the not-always-metaphorical karmic knife.

On the subject of Number Five, The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy says: "Highly successful instrument of chaos. If he smiles at you, run. Can be neutralized with coffee." There was an addendum that briefly detailed Number Five's ability to warp (mostly) at-will through time and space but an editor at the publishing houses on Ursa Minor accidentally linked it as a cross-reference to the TARDIS and caused a minor temporal anomaly that nearly annihilated half their database and caused a perfectly ordinary cappuccino machine to gain sentience. The passage was deleted to prevent any further incidents.

Now the real problem with being an instrument of chaos is that chaos rarely accepts input from it's instruments as to how and where they will be deployed, much as the violinist does not ask the violin if it feels like being played that particular day (though violinists everywhere might see a marked improvement in their playing if they did). And thus Number Five, who emphatically did not wish to be stuck in the apocalyptic future and miss out on great historical highlights such as war, Jeff Goldblum and the rise of personal home shopping, found himself exactly there, with no way to get back because chaos had a very quirky sense of humor which meant Number Five could travel through time right until the moment he really needed to.

Unable to tolerate being the punchline of such a bad cosmic joke, Five immediately set about attempting to travel into the past, a pursuit which would take him a very long time indeed. He was aided in this endeavor by his companion D'Olo0rz (AKA "Dolores" AKA "Delores"), a hyper-intelligent, nebulous alien consciousness that had been stranded on earth when it's spaceship was destroyed in the apocalypse and who took refuge in the severed torso of a department store mannequin until it could find an alternate means of transport off the planet. Number Five unwittingly pack bonded with D'Olo0rz when he attempted to use the mannequin's blouse as a handkerchief and thereby initiated the ancient courting ritual of D'Olo0rz' home world. D'Olo0rz, unlikely to receive a better offer, accepted.

On the subject of The D'Olo0rz Conscious, the Hitchhiker's Guide says: "Nimble little space vixen out for a good time. Fond of Bordeaux and sequins." What the Guide fails to mention is that D'Olo0rz' lack of corporeal form required that it occupy a host at all times, and while the human's body was a good deal spongier and more breakable than the mannequin, it was superior in that it's race possessed a rudimentary nervous system and was in the beginning evolutionary stages of consciousness; somewhere between having mastered firearms but not turn signals. Best of all it could travel through time, if given proper instruction.

D'Olo0rz understood the human's mind was much too fetal and underdeveloped to comprehend the complex quantum equations necessary to transport even one (let alone two) beings into the past, and was therefore obliged to spoon feed Number Five the information a bit at a time, least his squishy human brain hemorrhage under the strain. It took slightly longer than D'Olo0rz had hoped to transfer all the necessary information; about forty-five years, give or take. By this time the effort of retaining such mindbogglingly variegated concepts and equations as well as the mental load of sharing his brain with an alien consciousness had caused Five to undergo more than one psychotic episode and left him in a condition that many academics in the field of psychology commonly refer to as 'bug-eyed nuts'.

Such was his condition when he was approached by a strange woman in a black coat and quite abruptly offered a job, which lasted longer than one might think and ended about as well as one might expect when employing a high-functioning lunatic who just happens to be the living avatar for universal chaos as a hitman.