THE EMAILING SERIES PART ONE: INSPECTOR 390
____________________________________________________________________________
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TO: CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK, USS ENTERPRISE
FROM: STARFLEET COMMAND, EARTH
SUBJECT: ER.
KIRK,
WE RECENTLY ACQUIRED A NEW RECORDS OFFICE WORKER. SHE WAS HIGHLY INEXPERIENCED AND, SOMEHOW, LOST ALL OF YOUR RECORDS. PLEASE ASK YOUR CREW TO FILL IN FORMS REGARDING THEIR NAME, THEIR POSITION, THEIR SPECIES AND THE CURRENT STARDATE. THANK YOU,
ADMIRAL SOMEONE-OR-OTHER
TO: STARFLEET COMMAND
FROM: JAMES T. KIRK, USS ENTERPRISE
SUBJECT: RE: Er.
ADMIRAL,
HERE ARE THE REPORTS. NOW LEAVE US ALONE.
KIRK.
ATTACHED FILE:
Stardate: Sometime around June, as far as I know
Name: James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Age: Somewhere in my twenties.
Current Position: Captain: StarShip Enterprise. Somewhere in space.
Sex: Not now, I'm no duty. Oh, what the hell.
Race: Human Male.
Stardate: June 21st, 2267. 11am, 23minutes, 21seconds
Name: Spock
Age: approximately 30 years, 7 months, 26 days
Current Position: Science Officer, USS Enterprise, co-ordinates 78,68
Sex: Male
Race: Vulcan/Human
Stardate: three days after my birthday and no-one cares
Name: Leonard McCoy
Age: I was a year older three days ago. If anyone had bothered to notice this I might've been able to tell you my age.
Current Position: Doctor, USS Enterprise, Space.
Sex: Male. [I would have said Gender on Jim's record sheet.]
Race: Human
Stardate: Today.
Name: Hikaru Sulu
Age: Nijuni
Current Position: Helmsman. Although it's not like I'm treated like one.
Sex: Male.
Race: Human. Japanese. Whatever.
Stardate: [Day] [Month] [Year] [Century]
Name: Pavel Chekov
Age: 19/20/21
Current Position: Navigator
Sex: Male
Race: Russian
Stardate: July 14th, 1960.
Name: Uhura
Age: Somewhere around 24. Maybe less.
Current Position: On my chair on the bridge.
Sex: FE-male. Hah.
Race: Human/African/FEMALE
Stardate: May 16th, 2267
Name: ScottyMontgomery Scott
Age: 20.something
Current Position: Drunk
Sex: Male
Race: Human.
TO: JAMES T. KIRK, USS ENTERPRISE
FROM: STARFLEET COMMAND
SUBJECT: RE: ER.
KIRK,
THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. YOUR CREW ARE.CRUDE. THEY DON'T KNOW THE DATE, WHICH IS CERTAINLY NOT 1960, HALF OF THEM THINK THAT THEIR NATIONALITY IS THEIR RACE, AND YOU THOUGHT WHEN I SAID SEX, I MEANT.SEX. I MEANT GENDER. GET YOUR CREW UP TO SCRATCH BEFORE I SCRATCH YOU AS CAPTAIN. I WILL SEND AN INSPECTOR OUT TO YOUR SHIP IN THREE DAYS. BE READY BY THEN.
ADMIRAL NO-NAME
TO: ALL WORKSTATIONS
FROM: CAPTAIN KIRK
SUBJECT: YOUR PERFORMANCE RECORDS
PEOPLE, PEOPLE,
I KNOW FILLING IN FORMS IS.A WASTE OF TIME, BUT, PLEASE. YOU'VE GOT ME ON REPRIMAND, THEY'RE SENDING OUT A.ER.'INSPECTOR' IN THREE DAYS TO CHECK ON US. PLEASE BE READY BY THEN.
KIRK
PS. THE DATE IS 15TH JUNE. TWO DAYS BEFORE DR. MCCOY'S BIRTHDAY.
TO: ADMIRAL NO-NAME STARFLEET COMMAND
FROM: JAMES T. KIRK, USS ENTERPRISE
SUBJECT: MY CREW
ADMIRAL NO-NAME,
MY CREW IS IN PERFECT WORKING ORDER. IT'S YOU WHO ARE FAULTY.
KIRK
TO: JAMES T. KIRK
FROM ADMIRAL NO-NAME STARFLEET COMMAND
SUBJECT: DON'T GET ME STARTED ON YOUR CREW
KIRK,
PLEASE STOP EMAILING US. THE INSPECTOR IS ALREADY ON HIS WAY. I AM NOT FAULTY.
ADMIRAL NO-NAME
TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
Subject: Jim.
Jim,
It is not two days before my birthday. I should know.
McCoy
PS. We have only lost ten Red Shirts this year. I suggest gas.
TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
Subject: No.
Bones
For all you know I might like red shirts.
Kirk
Ps. it wasn't your birthday three days ago. Face facts.
TO: JAMES T. KIRK, USS ENTERPRISE
FROM: STARFLEET COMMAND
SUBJECT: OPEN THOSE DOORS.
KIRK,
IF YOU DO NOT OPEN THOSE SHUTTLE BAY DOORS WE'RE GOING TO GIVE THE SHUTTLE PERMISSION TO BLOW 'EM OPEN.
LIEUTENANT JENNIE NO-NAME [NO-NAME'S DAUGHTER]
PS. STOP CALLING ME.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: That guy
What do you think of that guy, Sulu? I think there's something wrong with him. In his head, I mean.
Pav
PS. Stop kicking me.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: That guy
Pav,
No, duh. That guy's creepy. And Uhura's skirt's getting shorter. I think it's on a diet.
Su.
PS. No.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Your skirt
Miss Uhura
That skirt you are wearing currently is not standard dress. Please change immediately.
390
To: [email protected]
CC: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: You won't believe this.
You won't believe this. That guy just told me not to wear this skirt anymore. What should I do?
Uhura
PS. Pav, get a new address.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: You won't believe this.
A) Turn up in trousers B) Shorten your skirt
Su.
PS. Pav says no.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: That skirt of yours.
Please, Uhura. We don't want Bridget Jones Syndrome. Just turn up as usual.
Kirk
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: There, I've done it.
Uhura,
There. I changed it. Happy now?
A Disgruntled Pav
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: There, I've done it.
Pav,
Much better! Btw, what do you think I should do?
Uhura
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: What should I do?
Uhura,
Turn up without your uniform on?
Pav.
TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: TODAY
MISS UHURA,
WHEN I TOLD YOU THAT YOUR SKIRT WAS NOT REGULATION, THAT WAS NOT GROUNDS FOR DOING WHAT YOU DID. I THINK YOU HAVE SET A BAD REPUTATION FOR THE WOMEN OF ENTERPRISE. THIS WILL BE NOTED DOWN IN YOUR PERMANENT FILE.
YOURS, 390.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Absence of Skirt.
Miss. Uhura
I congratulate you today.
Mr. Spock, Science Officer
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Thank You
Spock,
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Uhura
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Er.
When I said turn up without your uniform on, I meant put some civilian clothes on. Not turn up in your underwear.
Pav .
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Uhura.
Nice job. He's almost been scared away. Any more suggestions?
McCoy
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Feminism
You have not set a Bad Example. I would have done the same.
Chapel
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Suggestions
I don't know. Ask Pav or Sulu. They'll know.
Uhura
To: [email protected]
CC: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Your ideas
Yessssss. They'll work. Mwahaaha. Don't tell Kirk.
McCoy
PS. Or Spock
To: All Workstations
From: Captain Kirk
Subject: Hooray.
All Hands,
He's gone. You have the day off. Celebrate.
Kirk
PS. McCoy, Uhura, Sulu and Chekov get raises because of outstanding wit and.well, bravery.
FROM: STARFLEET COMMAND, EARTH
SUBJECT: ER.
KIRK,
WE RECENTLY ACQUIRED A NEW RECORDS OFFICE WORKER. SHE WAS HIGHLY INEXPERIENCED AND, SOMEHOW, LOST ALL OF YOUR RECORDS. PLEASE ASK YOUR CREW TO FILL IN FORMS REGARDING THEIR NAME, THEIR POSITION, THEIR SPECIES AND THE CURRENT STARDATE. THANK YOU,
ADMIRAL SOMEONE-OR-OTHER
TO: STARFLEET COMMAND
FROM: JAMES T. KIRK, USS ENTERPRISE
SUBJECT: RE: Er.
ADMIRAL,
HERE ARE THE REPORTS. NOW LEAVE US ALONE.
KIRK.
ATTACHED FILE:
Stardate: Sometime around June, as far as I know
Name: James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Age: Somewhere in my twenties.
Current Position: Captain: StarShip Enterprise. Somewhere in space.
Sex: Not now, I'm no duty. Oh, what the hell.
Race: Human Male.
Stardate: June 21st, 2267. 11am, 23minutes, 21seconds
Name: Spock
Age: approximately 30 years, 7 months, 26 days
Current Position: Science Officer, USS Enterprise, co-ordinates 78,68
Sex: Male
Race: Vulcan/Human
Stardate: three days after my birthday and no-one cares
Name: Leonard McCoy
Age: I was a year older three days ago. If anyone had bothered to notice this I might've been able to tell you my age.
Current Position: Doctor, USS Enterprise, Space.
Sex: Male. [I would have said Gender on Jim's record sheet.]
Race: Human
Stardate: Today.
Name: Hikaru Sulu
Age: Nijuni
Current Position: Helmsman. Although it's not like I'm treated like one.
Sex: Male.
Race: Human. Japanese. Whatever.
Stardate: [Day] [Month] [Year] [Century]
Name: Pavel Chekov
Age: 19/20/21
Current Position: Navigator
Sex: Male
Race: Russian
Stardate: July 14th, 1960.
Name: Uhura
Age: Somewhere around 24. Maybe less.
Current Position: On my chair on the bridge.
Sex: FE-male. Hah.
Race: Human/African/FEMALE
Stardate: May 16th, 2267
Name: ScottyMontgomery Scott
Age: 20.something
Current Position: Drunk
Sex: Male
Race: Human.
TO: JAMES T. KIRK, USS ENTERPRISE
FROM: STARFLEET COMMAND
SUBJECT: RE: ER.
KIRK,
THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. YOUR CREW ARE.CRUDE. THEY DON'T KNOW THE DATE, WHICH IS CERTAINLY NOT 1960, HALF OF THEM THINK THAT THEIR NATIONALITY IS THEIR RACE, AND YOU THOUGHT WHEN I SAID SEX, I MEANT.SEX. I MEANT GENDER. GET YOUR CREW UP TO SCRATCH BEFORE I SCRATCH YOU AS CAPTAIN. I WILL SEND AN INSPECTOR OUT TO YOUR SHIP IN THREE DAYS. BE READY BY THEN.
ADMIRAL NO-NAME
TO: ALL WORKSTATIONS
FROM: CAPTAIN KIRK
SUBJECT: YOUR PERFORMANCE RECORDS
PEOPLE, PEOPLE,
I KNOW FILLING IN FORMS IS.A WASTE OF TIME, BUT, PLEASE. YOU'VE GOT ME ON REPRIMAND, THEY'RE SENDING OUT A.ER.'INSPECTOR' IN THREE DAYS TO CHECK ON US. PLEASE BE READY BY THEN.
KIRK
PS. THE DATE IS 15TH JUNE. TWO DAYS BEFORE DR. MCCOY'S BIRTHDAY.
TO: ADMIRAL NO-NAME STARFLEET COMMAND
FROM: JAMES T. KIRK, USS ENTERPRISE
SUBJECT: MY CREW
ADMIRAL NO-NAME,
MY CREW IS IN PERFECT WORKING ORDER. IT'S YOU WHO ARE FAULTY.
KIRK
TO: JAMES T. KIRK
FROM ADMIRAL NO-NAME STARFLEET COMMAND
SUBJECT: DON'T GET ME STARTED ON YOUR CREW
KIRK,
PLEASE STOP EMAILING US. THE INSPECTOR IS ALREADY ON HIS WAY. I AM NOT FAULTY.
ADMIRAL NO-NAME
TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
Subject: Jim.
Jim,
It is not two days before my birthday. I should know.
McCoy
PS. We have only lost ten Red Shirts this year. I suggest gas.
TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
Subject: No.
Bones
For all you know I might like red shirts.
Kirk
Ps. it wasn't your birthday three days ago. Face facts.
TO: JAMES T. KIRK, USS ENTERPRISE
FROM: STARFLEET COMMAND
SUBJECT: OPEN THOSE DOORS.
KIRK,
IF YOU DO NOT OPEN THOSE SHUTTLE BAY DOORS WE'RE GOING TO GIVE THE SHUTTLE PERMISSION TO BLOW 'EM OPEN.
LIEUTENANT JENNIE NO-NAME [NO-NAME'S DAUGHTER]
PS. STOP CALLING ME.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: That guy
What do you think of that guy, Sulu? I think there's something wrong with him. In his head, I mean.
Pav
PS. Stop kicking me.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: That guy
Pav,
No, duh. That guy's creepy. And Uhura's skirt's getting shorter. I think it's on a diet.
Su.
PS. No.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Your skirt
Miss Uhura
That skirt you are wearing currently is not standard dress. Please change immediately.
390
To: [email protected]
CC: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: You won't believe this.
You won't believe this. That guy just told me not to wear this skirt anymore. What should I do?
Uhura
PS. Pav, get a new address.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: You won't believe this.
A) Turn up in trousers B) Shorten your skirt
Su.
PS. Pav says no.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: That skirt of yours.
Please, Uhura. We don't want Bridget Jones Syndrome. Just turn up as usual.
Kirk
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: There, I've done it.
Uhura,
There. I changed it. Happy now?
A Disgruntled Pav
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: There, I've done it.
Pav,
Much better! Btw, what do you think I should do?
Uhura
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: What should I do?
Uhura,
Turn up without your uniform on?
Pav.
TO: [email protected]
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: TODAY
MISS UHURA,
WHEN I TOLD YOU THAT YOUR SKIRT WAS NOT REGULATION, THAT WAS NOT GROUNDS FOR DOING WHAT YOU DID. I THINK YOU HAVE SET A BAD REPUTATION FOR THE WOMEN OF ENTERPRISE. THIS WILL BE NOTED DOWN IN YOUR PERMANENT FILE.
YOURS, 390.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Absence of Skirt.
Miss. Uhura
I congratulate you today.
Mr. Spock, Science Officer
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Thank You
Spock,
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Uhura
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Er.
When I said turn up without your uniform on, I meant put some civilian clothes on. Not turn up in your underwear.
Pav .
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Uhura.
Nice job. He's almost been scared away. Any more suggestions?
McCoy
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Feminism
You have not set a Bad Example. I would have done the same.
Chapel
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Suggestions
I don't know. Ask Pav or Sulu. They'll know.
Uhura
To: [email protected]
CC: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Your ideas
Yessssss. They'll work. Mwahaaha. Don't tell Kirk.
McCoy
PS. Or Spock
To: All Workstations
From: Captain Kirk
Subject: Hooray.
All Hands,
He's gone. You have the day off. Celebrate.
Kirk
PS. McCoy, Uhura, Sulu and Chekov get raises because of outstanding wit and.well, bravery.