Full disclosure: This chapter is hard. Really hard. If you are a victim of sexual abuse or have any issues with it. Please do not go forward. If you read it, and need need help processing through, reach out to me. I knew this chapter was coming. I did not realize it would manifest the way it did. Thus the reason for the delay. It was extremely painful to write. So please, this has some very strong sexual abuse topics. It is heavy. You have been warned.

The ride over to the restaurant was perfect. We sat in comfortable silence, just enjoying one another's company. All tension and concerns with this morning forgotten. What Christian did this morning was incredibly brave of him to share. But it does leave me with questions. How does one even end up in a lifestyle such as that? What brought him to that dark place? I am beginning to realize there is so much more to Christian than meets the eye. Do his sexual preferences scare me? Absolutely. What if he needs this to be happy? I can never be that girl. I can never allow someone to sexually assault me for their own pleasure.

At some point during the drive, I realize that he deserves to some explanation as to what and who I am as well. Although it is so incredibly new, I thinks it's time I practice this vulnerability everyone says I lack. But as quickly as I have this epiphany, the darkness rises. What if he is disgusted with me once I tell him? I am damaged, destroyed, far more than he even realizes. But what if he then sees me as fragile or weak? I can't have that. Jose treated me like that. Once told him, everything changed.

"Christian?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Where are we going? This is a dock?"

"I know." He says with a smirk.

Just then, our car comes to a stop. "Taylor, we will be arriving back at 11," he tells Taylor. "Sir." Taylor responds with a quick nod. As he helps me out, he stops us abruptly. "You don't get motion sick, do you?" He asks. I finally realize what we are doing…"No, not at all," I tell him. "Good, let's go," he says. After he speaks to what I am assuming is the captain of the boat, he dismisses him. This leaves me a bit confused as to who will drive the boat if he's gone. He clearly is reading my mind. Before I can question he tells me, "I will be driving the boat. I have been doing this for years. You are safe Ana. Please trust me. I would never let anything happen to you," he tells me. And just like that, any worry I may have begun to have, has all but dissipated.

Lake Travis is beautiful at this time of night. The water is illuminated with the city lights bouncing off of it. The only sound is the small waves left in our wake. With one hand on the wheel, and his other draped over my shoulder, I can't help but pinch myself. I am aboard a beautiful boat, with the most beautiful man who fully accepts me as I am. I've never thought fairy tales existed, but in this moment I am quite sure I am living one.

"Thank you for this Christian. This is amazing, you are amazing."

"You are most welcome Ana. Hungry?"

It only now hits me that I haven't eaten today. With the excitement of this morning, it must have slipped my mind. "I am starving actually. I haven't eaten today," I tell him. "Are you serious? Don't ever do that again! What are you thinking? You're already underweight Ana; you can't afford not to eat," he says. "Yes dad, I apologize. I will make sure to eat 3 meals a day," I say with an eye roll. "I saw that." Damn, he's good.

We sit down to dinner and I quickly realize how much thought and effort was put into this. I am taken aback by this and Christian. It's astonishing that he made something like this happen in such a short amount of time. But then I remember that when you have an exorbitant amount of money, anything is possible I suppose. The thought makes me squirm a bit uncomfortably. I almost forgot I am now sitting across from one of the richest men in the world. This gets my wheels spinning a bit more…

"So I have a question for you. Do you often stay at Marriott's? I wouldn't have pictured that hotel chain as your scene."

"My scene is wherever you are."

"You really are quite the stalker Mr. Grey."

"I prefer the term orchestrated serendipity Miss Steele," he says as he takes my hand and guides me to his lap. As I relax into his lap, I realize for the first time in…well…ever. I don't want to run. I don't have this inherent need to distance myself. I realize I have no only relaxed physically, but emotionally as well. This feels so different. It's as if Christian knows me. He shared something so private, so personal, because he trusts me. In this moment, I know that I need to be honest with him too. Not because I want to lose him, but I need him to understand who I am and why I am like this. He deserves this. He deserves complete transparency.

"I have something I want to show you."

"What is it Ana?"

"I want to show you something too. I hope you don't react the way I did. But I need you to understand, this will change everything. I also need you to promise me that after tonight, we will never speak of it again. This will be our one and only conversation. I do not want to be consumed with this. This is not my life anymore. So promise me, this dies tonight. Please."

"Ana, you are scaring me."

As I reach for my bag, I see him readjust in an idle attempt to calm his mounting nerves. I have never shared these details of my past with anyone willingly. Kate was aware due to being awoken by my incessant nightmares, and Jose knew because I had a manic episode and I couldn't hide it anymore. Both knew the bare minimum; enough to get them to leave me alone. But they didn't know the half of it. Not even close. Although I am petrified of how he will react. Will he leave me? Will he see me for the tainted, ugly, damaged wreck that I am? Or will he try and protect me, or rescue me. I don't want that either. This has taken so much of my life in the last 8 years. I have moved on.

As I pull out the folder I systematically place the newspaper clippings on the table. One by one, a timeline of the loss of my innocence, my body, my soul. As I read each headline as I place it down, I feel the same pain I did on each of these dates. It's almost as if no time has passed at all, and I am that barely 18 year old once again. No Ana, you are not that girl anymore. That girl died in Las Vegas.

"Whatever happens after this Christian, I not only will accept what you do next, but I fully will understand. Now read this one first please."

Substitute English teacher at Las Vegas high arrested for rape of his student.

His eyes are five sizes larger after the first headline. His eyes go to the next.

Anastasia Lambert named as accuser of popular high school English teacher Jack Hyde.

He clenches his jaw at that one. He continues to the third.

Jack Hyde denies rape; claims student was obsessed with him after his arrest.

He has tears in his eyes as they move to the fourth.

Anastasia Lambert is allegedly pregnant with Jack Hyde's baby after alleged rape.

He doesn't go on to the fifth.

As he stands to get closer to me, I take a step back. "I need you to say something Christian. I've never shown anyone those articles since I left Las Vegas. I moved to Montesano, I took my stepfather's last name, and that girl died in Las Vegas. So I need to you talk. Because I can't even process what the fuck I just did," I tell him. "Is he still in jail," he asks. "He is, for about 3 more months I believe. He has a parole hearing as from what I understand; he has been a model prisoner. He will make parole," I say. "I see all these newspaper clippings. And I understand what they are saying. But I need you to tell me the real story, everything. Not what shit the media spewed," he asks. Fuck, I wasn't prepared for that. I thought this would suffice. I have never spoken the events of those months in their entirety. Can I even do this? "Alright, but can we move out of this area? I can't look at those anymore tonight."

"Do you really want to hear this Christian? Do you need all the disgusting details surrounding that piece of my life?"

"Yes. And for the record, this changes nothing. Nothing with me, nothing with you, nothing with us."

"Jack Hyde, he was a substitute teacher at our high school. The girls at my school thought he was gorgeous, the guys thought he was their "bro". Whatever the fuck that means. Our English teach went out on a maternity leave so Jack had an extended contract for her leave. He was really great. He was younger, so it was nice that we could relate somewhat to him. It made for a lighter class. It was never weird, he was never inappropriate, I never saw it coming. September 12, was a normal uneventful day. Jack asked me if I could stay after to help him with some grading as he got behind over the weekend due to a cold. I had nothing going on so I agreed. Can I just…I need air Christian."

"Let's go to the deck baby."

He takes my hand, and guides us to the deck. Once we make our way up. He gives me a little space which I am grateful for. Don't run Ana. And with another deep breath, I continue.

"Once I was finished grading, I went to the white board to change some notes for the following day. Before I even realized his hands were moving to various parts of my body. He then started kissing my neck. It was 4:32 p.m. He told me that watching me in class was torture, that he's never wanted anyone so bad. He knew that the way I looked at him, I wanted him too. He said he waited until I was 18 to tell me how he felt so that we could be together with no consequence. I begged him to stop. He wouldn't stop. As he undid my pants, he got angry I was crying. He really didn't understand what he was doing was not consensual. All the girls wanted him, of course I did too. He still didn't stop. So he went from desperate pathetic teacher, to angry aggressive monster. He slammed my face into the white board and ripped my underwear off at the same time. He raped me. It was now 5:08 p.m. In a matter of 36 minutes, he stole my virginity, he stole my innocence, and he stole my soul. As I heard him pull the condom off and the zipper on his pants, I knew the assault was over. I pulled my pants up, got my backpack and walked out."

"Ana, I have no words. Sorry will not even remotely convey what I feel for you right now."

"Let me finish, let me get this out so we can never speak about it again…I drove myself to the hospital. I walk into the ER and told them I was in need of a rape kit. After they were done preforming the rape kit, the police report was next. Once I got home, I told my mother. She was upset I didn't call her first. Never mind the fact that I was just raped. It was only about her, per usual. That night was the first cut. The next day, I went to school. I kept my head down. It was all anyone was talking about. I was quite literally living in fucking purgatory. That night was the second cut. A week later, the article that named me came out. Apparently, one of the nurses received a pretty penny to release my name. Cunt. That was the third cut. Shortly after, we received the results for the rape kit. No DNA from Jack present. Fourth cut. The way they painted me in the media…This mousy high school girl, obsessed with the High School Teacher with model good looks. I was a pariah. It was sickening. I was now in hell. Fifth cut. They put him on administrative leave until the investigation was complete. And just when they were about to close the case with no charges, I missed my period. Sixth fucking cut. I went immediately to the emergency room and they confirmed my greatest fear. I was pregnant by the man who raped me. A monster was growing inside me. I was 18, I was a baby myself. I hadn't even finished high school yet. That very same night, my pregnancy was terminated, and they now had the DNA evidence they needed to charge Jack Hyde. Seventh cut. A week later he was arrested when they DNA results came back, confirming he impregnated me. In the media, my character was assassinated before he was even charged. So I chose not to testify. I could not face him, I couldn't face anyone. Without my testimony, their case got a lot tougher for the DA I was told. They offered him a plea deal of 10 years, with a chance of early parole with good behavior. The night the DNA results were back. I got on a plane to Montesano to live with my step father Ray. I took his last name, I have never looked back.

Ana Steele died on September 10th at 4:32 p.m."

I unzip my sweater and pull it off. I turn my forearms to Christian.

"You see…The outside matches the inside; damaged broken, dead. Jack killed me, and I killed my child. I know I did the right thing. I did the only thing. But I did it none the less. There are 37 cuts in total. One for each minute that Jack attacked me and one for my child. My life spiraled out of control after that. If it weren't for Kate, I wouldn't have gotten through college. It was a struggle every day to wake up. But I did it. I made it. I through myself into work where I thrived and I have moved on."

"Ana…"

"Can we just take a minute please? I don't want to talk anymore right now." I saw as I slide down to the ground. I have just relived the most traumatic event in my life. I have not verbalized those details since the police report. This is surreal and I just need a moment to process what I just did.