Warnings: Shitty Fathers, Vodka, Drinking, Minor Cursing, Xanxus's language is a tag

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It was the last straw.

Tsuna wants to cry, but he's too pissed off for it. He thought he'd gotten over it already when he decided that Reborn would be his new father figure, but no, Iemitsu still had some emotional hold on him.

His poor, inner five year old who didn't understand why dad never came back to visit.

"Fuck this," Tsuna said.

He stood up and went to the liquor cabinet. Except, most of the liquor there were weak, stupid wines. There was no vodka or tequila or even the hard sake that he remembered Takeshi drinking one time.

Whoever was stocking his cabinets needed to be fired.

With a sigh, Tsuna went to the one person in the entire mafia who had a great taste in alcohol. Who was also coincidentally visiting for some meeting or the other.

"Xanxus," Tsuna said, knocking on the door. "Open up."

The Varia commander opened the door abruptly, looking so pissed off that Tsuna wanted to take a step back.

But. Alcohol.

"I need some alcohol," Tsuna said before Xanxus could start asking. "My dad visited today."

The nice thing about Xanxus, Tsuna mused, was that there were no questions after that. Aside from having great alcohol, Xanxus also had the same father problems.

"Here," Xanxus grunted, thrusting the bottle at Tsuna. "I have extra."

The bottle was that specialty vodka from Russia that Tsuna was completely sure wasn't meant for distribution or human consumption. It was at illegal alcohol levels…which probably meant he got it from a Varia job.

"Cheers!" Tsuna toasted him with the whole bottle, before popping open the cap and swallowing down two mouthfuls.

It burned on the way down, but it was worth it for the look of appreciation on Xanxus's face.

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It was Tsuna's turn to get a knock on his door when Nonno and Xanxus visited at the same time.

He swore up and down that he did not intend that. No one deserved Nonno as a father, and Xanxus deserved better.

So when the knock sounded on his door, Tsuna was ready with the iced tumblrs and the greasy food.

"Fuck my father," Xanxus greeted, carrying an entire crate of that specialized alcohol that could probably be used to peel paint. "Fuck him and I hope he dies in a fire."

Tsuna took the crate from him and pushed an already opened bottle into his hands.

"As long as you don't get caught setting the fire," Tsuna said with a sigh. "I don't need the paperwork."

Xanxus blinked and then laughed. "Who needs the paperwork? It can make a great kindling."

They consumed five bottles of Tequila between the both of them.

"Alcoholics Anonymous," Tsuna slurred.

Xanxus, who could probably drink more but paced himself, snorted. "Shitty Fathers Association."

Tsuna frowned. "Mine's better. It rhymes," he said with the firmness of a truly drunk person. "Yours is like. ShiFA. How do you abbreivi-ate?"

Xanxus laughed. "You have no room to talk to me about rhyming when you can't even pronounce right."

Both of them reached a consensus on ShiFA. Everyone else who knew their habit called it Father Problems behind their backs.

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"Can we trust the Varia to do it?" a stuffy old man that was clearly from Nonno's generation asked.

Tsuna could feel his blood boiling but he managed a smile.

"Why do you ask, Gino?" Tsuna said softly. He doesn't notice his eyes flickering orange. "Is there something to be concerned about?"

Everyone around the table went still. Gino Moretti doesn't notice. Tsuna wanted to rip his throat out. Nobody got to talk about Xanxus like that.

"Xanxus is not Vongola blood, you see," Gino continued, not noticing the danger. "He's probably planning another coup."

Tsuna gestured and in the blink of an eye, Takeshi had the man by the throat, Rain Flames coating it. He loved his friends for paying attention so well.

"I have no question in the loyalty of Xanxus di Vongola, no matter his blood," Tsuna said quietly. "But you. You have no blood of Vongola either. And you have the gall to accuse Xanxus of disloyalty when he has served faithfully all these years."

Takeshi pushed the mans head forward, making him whimper.

"I'm reassigning you to Sicily, Gino," Tsuna declared. Sicily being the Varia headquarters. Tsuna's smile was full of teeth. "I hope you're very good at dodging."

Gino Moretti was escorted out of the very quiet room.

"Thank you, Takeshi-kun," Tsuna murmured. "Now, where were we?"

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Xanxus's smile had too many teeth as he toasted Tsuna with a glass full of amber liquid. "It's not your job to defend me, trash."

Xanxus hadn't called him that in a while, how nostalgic.

His intuition tugged at him before he could open his mouth. Hmm..

"It's not that, Xanxus," Tsuna said, letting his mouth run off on instinct. "Those people don't deserve the effort. No, it's about worth. And those people who can't see your worth, don't deserve you. Like your father, or those disloyal."

Inexplicably, Xanxus blushed.

Then threw a cheap bottle of wine at Tsuna's head, making Tsuna laugh. He'd upgraded from empty bottles of wine to cheap bottles of wine.

He was moving up in the world.

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"You need to get married," Nonno said, looking tired. "You need an heir, Tsuna."

"I don't need marriage to get an heir," Tsuna pointed out. "Spanner and Shoichi can probably make me a baby, no need for the sex to get in the way."

Nonno looked appalled. "Tsuna, I don't want you to be alone. You need companionship."

Tsuna's face went deadpan as he stared at Nonno. "Think about what you just said, hypocrite."

Standing behind Nonno, Ganauche choked on hastily stifled laughter.

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"A toast to scientists," Xanxus said after he heard what Nonno came for. "For solving asexual problems."

Tsuna giggled into his glass. "Am I asexual...huh, I probably am."

"Trash, Tsuna," Xanxus said seriously, a sure sign of deep intoxication. "We have been drinking together for a year now. I have been drinking with you without a shirt. You don't even stare."

Huh.

"You are very attractive," Tsuna hurried to reassure Xanxus in case this hurt his feelings. "Really. Like a big ball of fire."

Xanxus snorted. "Really."

"You are!"

"Stop messing around, trash."

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The day Nonno and Iemitsu officially retired and had no more need to stay in the Iron Fort, Xanxus and Tsuna celebrated.

Not by getting drunk off their asses, as was their usual method, but by decimating one training room and terrifying the clean-up crew.

"To solving Father Problems," Tsuna toasted. It was the last of their incredibly illegal vodka. There was no need to get more, given that their problems had just literally moved out.

"To not making any more problems," Xanxus toasted.

"I'll drink to that," he declared, and knocked back the drink like a shot.

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Just. No pairing. No slash. Just shitty fathers.

Reviews please!

~hallen