A/N: So, drunk me was browsing RvB fan art. Drunk me stumbled across a fem!Church picture by liriana. Drunk me then decided to write this XD

Sober me liked it enough to edit and post. Enjoy!

Paradox Effect

Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…

*Chapter 1*

Everything was going to plan for once in Church's life. He wouldn't have to deal with Caboose's stupidity or Tucker's annoying perverted jokes while he ran what was supposed to be an easy operation. All he had to do was possess the Red Team's leader, sneak into Red Base, free Tex, and then get home in time for coffee and cigarettes.

Easy, right? How hard could it be? It was the perfect plan. Not only would Tex be free from those annoying Reds, but he'd also get a chance to have a nice long chat with his ex girlfriend. Or, at least he hoped it wouldn't turn into a massive fistfight; they didn't have a good history together.

Then again, he was a ghost. It's not like she could kill him again. Unless she gained the ability to kill ghosts on top of her new enhancements she got from that experimental military project a few years back.

He was sure she didn't, but in the years he dated Tex prior to joining the military, it was best to err on the side of caution. To say she was a bitch would be the understatement of the century. Tex had more issues than he could shake a stick at, and that was putting it lightly.

Church spotted the Red Team's sergeant on top of the base talking with the two idiots who acted like a married couple (if one considered ruthlessly insulting someone's manliness as 'conversation') and he made a beeline for him.

"Tucker, I'm going in," he informed his perverted teammate. "For the love of God, don't let Caboose try and help me. Whatsoever. At all. He'll just…he'll just fuck it up."

Church felt an irrational spike of anger at the thought of his other teammate. The fucking asshole got him killed by his own tank, and then when he tried to warn them about how much of a total bitch Tex was, wouldn't let him get a goddamned word in!

The minute they were done with this operation and Tex was gone, Church swore that he would spend the rest of his ghostly existence haunting Caboose as payback for all the shit he put him through in the short time he was stationed here. 'He's deserved it. In the time he's been here, he's called my girlfriend a slut and killed me. I think I'm entitled to a little fucking payback.'

The current ghost/team leader of the Blue Team made his way up the base and took possession of the Red Team's sergeant. Sarge wasn't happy about it, for he initially tried to resist getting his body taken from him. Church prevailed, and he let out a weird noise. "Gurk!"

"Hey, Sarge? Are you okay?" the fat orange soldier asked. "You sounded really weird there."

"Yeah, I'm fine," Church said through Sarge's voice. "These goddamn Blues have got me so damned angry! I'm so angry, I could spit!" And he did. A fat glob of spit landed on the inside of his visor, and Church chuckled to himself. Sarge was gonna get one nasty surprise when he saw that.

"…sir, did you just spit inside your helmet?" the maroon one asked.

"Yes. Yes I did, private." Church nodded and did it again to prove his point.

"Permission to speak freely, sir? That's fucking disgusting," the orange one said. Or was his armor gold? In this goddamned sunlight, it was practically impossible for Church to actually tell.

"Ah, shut up. Now go piss off before I start shooting at you," Church growled, hoping he could stay in character and not blow his cover. That was something people in charge did, right? They made death threats to their inferiors?

"Oh, can I help out?" the maroon guy asked eagerly.

"No," Church answered firmly. "Get to work on the jeep."

"But—"

"Did I fucking stutter, Private Bitch?"

"N-no sir…" The maroon soldier let out a quiet whimper and followed his teammate, and Church let out a sigh of relief. Finally, all alone and with a chance to go in and rescue Tex without any kind of problems. Or so he hoped. He knew better than anyone else in the galaxy of just how much of a bitch she was.

He walked into the interior of the Red Base, grimacing at the sheer amount of red flags and lights everywhere. 'Good God. These guys have a weird fetish of the color red. I get that this is the Red Base, but come on. Don't they have any other colors of paint lying around here?'

It wasn't hard to find Tex; his ex girlfriend was leaning against the wall looking incredibly bored, and she yawned as he approached. "Oh, great. What do you want now? For the last time, I'm not giving you the keys to the tank."

"Oh shit, I forgot." Church jumped out of Sarge's body, and the red sergeant stumbled around.

"What the hell? How did I get here? Who in Sam hell spit on my visor!?" he asked.

"Hey, Tex, it's me Church. I'm here to bust you out," he explained to the Freelancer. "I possessed this guy to get to you."

"Okay." Tex shrugged. "Let's move then."

"…what? No questions about me being a ghost? Or me possessing someone?" he asked exasperatedly. "Seriously?"

"I can see through you," she pointed out dryly. "It's pretty obvious you're a fucking ghost. Asshole."

"Bitch. Let me possess this asshole again." Church jumped back into Sarge's body and they began to make their way out of the base. "Come on; Tucker and Caboose are keeping an eye on us."

He didn't even get five feet from the base before he heard a loud crack in the distance. The next thing he knew, everything was a dull shade of grey. "Wait, what? What the fuck happened?"

He looked around, and he groaned in annoyance. "Oh, you've gotta be fucking kidding me!"

He was dead. AGAIN.

Church wanted to scream in frustration. When he found Caboose, he was going to beat the living shit out of him. He knew that the idiotic soldier was responsible. Somehow. It was fucking Caboose; he was always responsible for dumb shit.

He punched a nearby rock, gnashing his teeth in fury. "Fuck! Why can't shit just go my way!? This is utter bullshit!" His punch didn't do much, though; instead, all it did was make his hand hurt like a bitch.

Church groaned in pain, and he rubbed his armored wrist. "Son of a bitch…" He looked at his surroundings with a sigh, his shoulders slumping. 'Well, fuck. What the hell am I going to do now? I don't think I can find a way back this time. Fuck me, man. Whoever thought being a ghost would be difficult?'

He wanted to let fate choose someone else to be its whipping boy. He was more than content to sit around twiddling his thumbs for an eternity.

Only fate is an asshole and doesn't work like that.

Church barely had time to turn around and swear before he was blown up by his own tank. AGAIN.

"Oh, son of a—" 'Not again...'

When the light of him exploding faded away, Church groaned in annoyance. He found himself standing in the middle of Blue Base. 'Great. Back in here. Fuck me, this place sucks.' A quick look around told him he was in his own room, and he sighed before making his way over to his bed. He passed the large mirror that he hung up to admire his awesome body in, and his jaw dropped.

"No way. No fucking way. That is bullshit!" The mirror showed his own reflection, and it was not what he was used to. Long black hair with blue streaks. A pair of bright blue eyes.

A pair of fucking tits.

He was a goddamned girl.

"FUCKING SERIOUSLY!? I'M A FUCKING GIRL!?" he/she yelled. "What the fuck!?"

She punched the mirror and shattered it, hoping that it was some sort of stupid dream or a hallucination.

Nope. It wasn't.

The once handsome and awesome leader of the Blue Team was now a fucking girl, and it looked like Church was now stuck with it.

Church looked at her hands with a sigh, rubbing her head. "Well, fuck. As if fate wasn't enough of a bitch. Now I'm a goddamned girl."

"I just hope Tucker doesn't see this…I could really do without him being a perverted asshole."

Ten seconds later, his worst fear came true. Tucker waltzed in and grinned at her lazily.

"Hey baby, wanna pull up on my throttle? Bow chicka bow wow!"

Church didn't know whether to scream or punch him. She decided to settle for both.

A/N: XD I'm not sure what I was doing. Drunk me writes weird shit. Want more? XD tell me!

C. Strife #5371