For the Fallen

"Still upset about the attempted suicide in your bed?" Ben asks as he and John share a late breakfast of leftover party canapés. "It was better that Lucy was the one to go to the hospital with her. You understand that, right?"

"I do. But I wonder, if Denise had someone to support her, look out for her after her husband was killed, would she have focused so hard on me?"

"You did save her life, John."

"A life she didn't care much about losing. It had a hole in it that she was desperate to fill. I couldn't do that for her. There has to be more that can be done for the Denises of the world - and the Dennises too. A divorce is bad enough, but to lose your spouse like that, the pain has to be unbearable. Clearly, it is for her."

"You can't put an end to war, John. Remember when Superman tried to get rid of all the nuclear weapons in Superman IV? Terrible movie, but it was right about one thing. No hero, no matter how powerful can just swoop in and make everything right. You know better than I do how full the world is of stupidity and pain. You see it every day."

"And most days I'm able to help with a little piece of it, Ben. If enough people work on a little piece, that gets something worthwhile done. If I didn't believe that, I'd go back to building garages and additions."

"So what do you think you can do for the loved ones of dead soldiers? From the fundraising letters I get, there are a lot of programs out there already."

"Obviously not ones that could help Denise. Ben, honestly I don't know, but some of the cops I work with are vets. Lucy told me that Captain Anderson was a Marine. When I'm back on the job tomorrow, I can try to talk to her and some of the others, maybe figure something out."

Ben claps him on the shoulder. "Good luck, Buddy. But now as soon as we're done with these, we have cases of wine to return - unless you're planning to try to throw a Presidents' Day Party."

John picks up his plate and dumps the remains in the trash. "No, thanks, I think Valentine's Day was more than enough."

Zoe Andersen glances up from her laptop to see John Nolan standing in the doorway of her office, in civilian clothes. She has no idea why he'd be at the precinct on his day off, particularly since she'd heard about the near tragedy at his party the night before. She's a little curious to find out, and she usually enjoys talking to John - and looking at him. "Come in Officer Nolan. What can I do for you?"

"Word through the grapevine is that you were in the Marines."

"I would assume that one of the grapes on that vine is Officer Chen, but your information is correct. Why?"

"You must have heard about the woman I rescued, the stalker who tried to commit suicide in my bed."

"Word about something like that does get around."

"The reason." John clears his throat. "The reason that Denise, the woman involved, tried to take her life is that her husband was killed in action and she didn't want to go on without him. She transferred her need for him to me, but it could have been anyone she could have made into a hero. Captain, it wasn't her fault. She was as damaged by the war as if someone had shot her or blown her up."

"That's very perceptive Officer Nolan, but what do you want me to do? She needs therapy."

"Yes she does," John agrees. "She needed it long before she met me, but she wasn't getting it. She had no support system. I think women like her, who lose someone like that, need one."

"Nolan, there are a lot of organizations that do that. She fell through the cracks."

"Well, I'd like to help find a way to seal some of those cracks. As a builder, I was pretty good at it. I just have no idea where to start. I thought that as former military, you might."

Anderson taps her fingers on her desk. "Give me some time to think about it and make a couple of calls. If I come up with any ideas, I promise I'll let you know."

"Thank you, Captain."

"John, I know you want to save the world, but no one, police or military can."

"I know Captain, but I can lay down a bead of caulk."

John doesn't feel like going home, or at least as home as Ben's guest house is. He doesn't really have another one, now that he and Sarah sold the house he built with his own hands. Lucy warned him against going to the hospital, but somehow he's steering his car in that direction.

He finds himself standing in the doorway of Denise's hospital room, much the way he had at the entrance to Captain Andersen's office. Denise's eyes widen when she recognizes him. "Officer Nolan, Officer Chen told me that you wouldn't be coming."

Nolan gazes down at his feet. "Lucy told me it would be a bad idea to come, seeing what happened. But I just wanted to find out how you were doing."

"That's kind of you especially since it seems like you've been working through some losses of your own. Lucy said that you're divorced and that she is absolutely not your girlfriend."

"No, she's not," John admits.

"But if you had your choice, she would be."

John shrugs. "I'm not sure. I have feelings for Lucy. That was obvious enough to you, but we have - different priorities."

"I've witnessed your priorities, Officer Nolan. You want to run right into the fray, even if there's an electrical wire sparking in your face. You're a natural hero, even when it might kill you - like Paul was. I think that's what attracted me to you. But is Lucy the same?"

"Lucy can be pretty damn heroic. She's found something she loves. We both love it. The only difference is that the job is number one on her list. I came in second and I stood in the way of her success. Neither one of us wanted that."

"She's an idiot. But John, can I call you John?"

"Of course."

"John, are you still trying to be a hero, because I don't think you can help me."

"If I could, I mean other than - you know - what could I do?"

"Show me a place where I belong in this world, John; a reason to be here. Because right now, I don't have one. Can you do that?"

The muscles on John's jaw pop as he clamps his teeth shut under the impact of her words. "I don't know Denise. Probably not but I'm going to try."

"Officer Nolan," Captain Anderson calls as John comes into the station a few days later. "I need a word."

John glances nervously at his watch. "It's almost roll call."

"I know. "If I make you late, I'll write you an excuse for Sergeant Grey."

"That should go over big," John mutters to himself.

Andersen leads the way to her office. "I'm sorry that I couldn't come up with a brilliant idea for you, Nolan." She hands him a stack of papers and brochures in a binder clip. "But these are organizations that help military families. The ones that deal with those who've lost someone in the line of duty are on top. Maybe you'll find some of that useful." She scribbles on another sheet and hands it to him. "And you can give this to Grey if you don't make it to roll call on time. But if you run, you should be able to just squeeze under the wire, so you'd better get going."

"Yes, Ma'am."

After a long shift for which he had made it on time with only seconds to spare, John has his head on one pillow and his bare feet on another one while he pages through the information Captain Anderson gave him. The organizations all sound worthy. Some provide counseling, financial help, or even just plain company. He suspects that Denise may have already been offered any or all of that, but it's not what she asked for.

She didn't want someone to help her so much as she wanted to believe she was doing something to give her a reason to get up in the morning; to put one foot in front of the other despite her grief. Suddenly, he feels like a two by four just hit him in the head. Denise is like him. She doesn't need to be served; she needs to be the one doing the service. She needs someone to look at her as a hero, or at least a friend.

He digs through the pile again for the Flag Holders, widows who share the commonality of the red, white and blue fabric that was draped over their husband's caskets, and reach out to others who've suffered a loss. That's where Denise needs to be - or perhaps it would be a good start.

He makes a phone call to a 24-hour number before putting the brochures aside. John sinks into the soundest sleep he's had in weeks.