Hello, there!

Thank you so, so much for the feedback from this one-shot. As I'm going slightly insane from this lockdown, I thought I'd put pen to paper and give you a little more of Teddy and Pipsqueak. I hope you enjoy it!

The Announcement

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts; there they are standing in a row… I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts; there they are standing in a row…" Bella's toes wiggles and bounced to the rhythm of her slightly off-key tune.

"Why are you repeating the same lines?" Edward let out a small chuckle as he looked to his wife. He still couldn't believe it. They were married, and she was pregnant, and he was still breathing!

Now at twenty-one weeks pregnant, they were waiting for the ultrasound scan that would hopefully show if he was going to be a daddy to a prince or princess. Either way, he was over the moon. No, beyond that. He just couldn't put it into words. Bella, on the other hand, wasn't so quite there yet. Morning sickness, lousy skin, constant trips to the loo, every woman, and her dog was wanting to give their advice. She was so over it already.

"I'm trying not to pee myself, and it's proving very hard when the baby is doing cartwheels around my organs and using my pelvic floor as a trampoline," she griped, glaring at the last amount of liquid in her water bottle.

Edward didn't say anything in return. He knew better by now. The whole family knew better.

Bella hadn't coped so well with the hormones of the pregnancy. And if Bella didn't cope well, no one did.

Here he was again. Gun pointing at his head. At least Edward wasn't on his knees this time.

"What do you mean? How can she be pregnant? You've only been married for two weeks!" Carlisle roared as the whole house came to a standstill. He was glaring at Edward. "You defiled her before, didn't you? How long for? How dare you!" he carried on his triad of words as everyone gathered in the large kitchen.

Edward paled to a perfect shade of white as he swayed on the spot.

"Oh! My baby is having a baby! Did you hear that Carlisle, our baby, is having a baby!" Esme was yanking on his arm, pulling about his body like he was a ragdoll. The excitement rolling off the woman was bordering on insanity. Edward was holding his breath as the gun waved around in his other hand.

"I heard, Esme, of course I fucking heard, he defiled her!" He screamed.

"Don't you take that tone of voice with me, Carlisle. You may be the boss of everyone, but I'm the boss of you, so cool your jets and shut up," Esme replied. She took the gun from his hand and then stepped away from him to go to Bella, who was now red-faced and on the verge of tears.

"Oh, sweetheart, what's wrong? Are you not happy about the baby?" Esme cooed to her daughter.

"I'm over the moon, Mommy, but my daddy has turned into an asshole, and I'm trying not to get angry about it," Bella wailed, tears splashing down her cheeks.

Edward was lost. She sounded heartbroken to him, but she looked like she was out for murder.

"Do not call me an asshole, young lady, or I'll ground you to your room for a month!" Carlisle bellowed.

Edward felt a tug on his shirt. Looking behind him, he could see Alice trying to pull him away from the situation. He was torn. He should stay by his wife, but at the same time, his wife looked like she was to blow. He took Alice's lead and stepped back.

Emmett, Rose, Jasper, and Alice were stood at the end of the kitchen near the escape route, their faces showing no emotions at the moment. That had Edward on edge.

"Ground me?! You want to fucking ground me, daddy? With what reason? Because I called you an asshole? Well, you are one, and I called you out on it. This should be the happiest moment of my life! I should be glowing, GLOWING! And here I am, a blubbering mess because you bellowed for no reason! You're going to be a grand-daddy, and your screaming at me! Where is my God-damn glowy moment!" Everyone took a step back. Edward was expecting Bella's eyes to start glowing red. She was scary, dangerous, and downright sexy.

"Don't get no ideas, Ginger, she's my sister," Emmett mumbled to him.

"She's my wife, Emmett, I can think how I like," Edward smirked back, taking in his glorious wife.

"You are glowing, sweetheart, I can see it, it's right there!" Esme cooed once more, but Edward cringed. Bella had taken a deep breath, so he knew what was going to happen next.

"I'M NOT GLOWING, IT'S SWEAT!" She screamed. "And you! You ARE an asshole because you're my daddy, and you're being an asshole, and I need a daddy hug, and you can't hug me, BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING A BUTT-HOLE!" Bella wailed and sat down on a nearby chair. "I just want a daddy hug, and I want to stop crying, and I can't, and I feel sick, but I'm so hungry, and MY BOOBS HURT!"

It took four days for Carlisle to stop being an asshole and for Bella to get her Daddy hug.

"Stop firing those stupid guns! I mean it! You're scaring the hell out of my baby! It can hear, you know! It should be listening to lullabies and children's stories, but what does it get? Stupid fucking idiots thinking it's a game to fire live rounds in the backyard!" Bella wailed at the side of the enclosure.

Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett had taken it upon themselves to teach Edward how to fire a gun. If he was married to Bella, then he had to learn to protect her and their baby. Edward didn't want to break it to them that he already knew how to protect his girl. Growing up in care and then learning how to fend for himself on the streets, Edward knew a lot.

But, he also wanted to bond a little with his new family. He wasn't totally on board with their way of life, and he turned a blind eye to most of what they did, but he still wanted to get along with them all.

Just yesterday, for example, he spent a lot of his time learning how to cook all of Bella's favorite foods with Esme, Alice, and Rose. The men called him all the names under the sun, but Esme chased them out of the room, whipping their asses with a wooden spoon. By the end of the day, he'd mastered three of her favorite meals, baked four different cookies, and learned how to use their yogurt machine.

With Bella's aversion to certain foods, she couldn't eat any of it.

"What do you mean the blob can hear things? No, it can't. That's just stupid, Bells. And what the fuck are you wearing?" Emmett replied with a chuckle and then aimed his gun at another beer bottle.

"I swear to God, Emmett, if you fire that gun, I'll tell Rose what I caught you wearing last year! My baby can hear things, and you need to do as you're bloody well told!" Bella raged.

Edward thought Bella was glorious in her rage, but he was more interested in why she had the scatter cushions from their couch around her body, held there with one of his belts.

"And I'm wearing these because they don't make pregnant earmuffs for when your stupid family wants to shoot guns! Now shut the fuck up so my baby can grow strong and healthy without jumping around in my stomach every two fucking seconds!"

"Em, what were you wearing last year?" Jasper asked. Emmett turned from red to white in an instant.

"None of your fucking business," he griped.

Carlisle hushed them and put down his gun. He glared at me – because he still didn't like me one bit – and walked over to Bella.

"The baby can actually hear us?" He asked, and Bella gave him a tearful nod.

"Right," he said, then bent over so that he was face to face with her stomach.

"Now, you listen to me, young man. You will be a young man because your mother turned my hair gray, and I don't need any more females in my life. You will be a man, you will grow a penis, and you will be strong, unlike your father. You will be a boy, you will learn to listen to me, and if you're a good boy and grow a penis, I'll buy you a gun for your first birthday," Carlisle growled.

"Daddy! Don't you dare say such things to my baby! It can have a penis or a vagina. It can be what it wants to be, and there is no way you'll get them a gun at a year old! What the hell is going through your head?!" Bella screeched.

"Fine, it can have a gun when it's five." Carlisle grouched.

"No! No guns!"

"Mr. and Mrs. Cullen?" a nurse brought Edward out from the past, and he frowned. He hated being a Cullen. It was the one thing that he let go of his single life. He changed his name from his to Bella's. Carlisle insisted and it was either agree to it or watch another argument between father and daughter.

The happy pair settled themselves into the small sonograph room, once Bella had been weighed – something Edward was forced to ignore. Bella had a huge issue with her weight at the moment.

Twenty minutes later, once all the important stuff was out of the way and they had a slim to none chance of getting over their awe and shock of seeing what they had created, they were asked the most critical question to date.

"Do you want to know what you're having?"

A heart attack? Edward thought.

So, what do you think? I know, they're all a little silly, but we can do with some laughs, right?

So, if I write any more, what would you like to see? I would love to see all of them at the baby shower. Can you just imagine it?!

Thanks again for reading and please, please stay safe out there!