Prologue: Of Dreams and Ideals

Genuineness, it's such a vague concept that I almost feel stupid for chasing such a thing. It's not something easily observable nor it is tangible enough to accurately define what it is. In the end it still falls into the realms of ideals, of concepts and of dreams. That's why it's commonly referred to as "thing", "it", or "ideal". But in the end I do still want to know if it's possible to achieve such a thing. To be able to live life interacting with people for who they are and without the masks or the personas people usually present themselves. To look at a person and see the person for who they truly are.

But first, to be able to seek if such a thing as genuine exist means to be able to define what it is. What is genuine? In what manner do we call something as "genuine"? Is it in actions? or maybe in words? The answer to that I do not know.

Maybe it's considered such when the relationships that you share are strong and pure, maybe it's when no fake smiles or emotions are shared between two people, maybe it's pure honesty, maybe it's when it makes you feel good, maybe it's when..., maybe it's..., maybe, maybe, maybe, in the end all I can come up is guesswork. Mere conjunctions and hypothesis with no evidences to back it up. Offhanded comments and suggestions that tries to suggest to an idea but fails to do so. Because in the end how could you suggest to something when you don't even know what it is in the first place.

How foolish, truly, to try and achieve an ideal, a dream, without even knowing what is it in the first place. It might not be a stretch to call it something akin to a blind man describing his surroundings. Of a fool chasing a formless dream. Is it pointless to chase such a thing in the end though? Are the feelings I've bared to the service club in the end amount to nothing? Will it be nothing more than a memory in the future? To look back and laugh how emotional and vulnerable I was during that moment, while still nowhere being close being genuine?

Maybe that's why I am, according to Haruno's words, a monster of logic. Logic held truth in it and bared what was correct without being swayed by emotions nor was it muddled by bias and prejudice. It comforted me, I'll be honest. Of times where I was faced with problems and put into difficult situations, logic had always been a guiding light to a solution. Whereas my emotions would muddle my thoughts and confuse me on what was right and what I wanted to do, logic calmed me down and rationalized a solution to the problem. But, it isn't always a good thing being the monster of logic. For logic always shines the truth to everyone... including me.

To use logic is to use existing information and to pass on judgement on the matter using that very information. Suppose a cat want to fly high in the sky and it climbs onto the top of a roof, ready to jump. What would you think? Will it fly or will it fall flat to the ground? The answer depends on the perspective of the observer. An idealist would hope to have the cat fly while on the other hand a rationalist would say it would fall flat on it's feet. Obviously it would fall, cats simply cannot fly due to it not being able to. Not for the lack of trying, rather it is simply unable to. It does not possess the characteristics necessary for flight.

So why would an idealist ever hope to dream it would succeed and fly? There is no such thing as a purely idealistic person. If there was that person would no longer be called an idealist rather that person would be called delusional. For that person lives on fantasies, rather than ideals. As ideals are still in a way grounded on the reality of this world. Ideals are simply desired higher forms of wishes a person makes when something in reality lacks.

Everybody possess an idealist and a rationalist inside them. It is merely which is more dominant of the two in which results in the showing of whether that person may be classified as which of the two. So to reiterate, why would an idealist ever hope for the cat to fly? Surely it knows that cats are simply unable to right? Yet the idealist still dreams and dreams. An idealist is driven on the existing ideal that they abide by. It dictates their emotions, thoughts, words, and even actions. It is their driving force in life and what most often defines them as a person. Take a person who believes in the ideal of justice for example. Most often these type of people end up as lawyers or jobs which are aligned to the concept of justice. It is in their ideals which shape their world views which further influences their actions.

So to call me a monster of logic, a rationalist who solves his problems using cold hard facts, would be simply be untrue. No, for the person I am is not a monster of logic. I am simply just a normal person who thinks like I'm a rationalist and acts like I'm an idealist. Really, for all the rationalizing I do in regards to the service club. I still fundamentally rely on my experiences from the past, which is quite painful If I may add. Years of isolation had led me automatically judge people and categorize them as I see fit. Not bothering to look deeper beyond what I have observed, which is to say not much considering how much of a loner I am.

I had labelled Yui Yuigahama as a nice girl, I had viewed Yukino Yukinoshita as a strong girl, I had seen myself, Hikigaya Hachiman, as a monster of logic. Labels I had carelessly used to judge people, myself included. Deluding myself into thinking I was right all along, but in reality it was far from that. Yui Yuigahama is not a nice girl, Yukino Yukinoshita is not a strong girl, and I myself is not a monster of logic. Those were simply just my ideals that I had imposed. So where does this leads me into?

Do I still strive for genuineness, when I myself do not know of such things? Do I dare seek out a genuine relationship with them when I truly do not know them? Should I change? look at things from a different perspective? Or should I stay as I am? And so I think, because that's the only thing I can do right now. Here in the wee hours of the night laying on the bed. Filled with thoughts regarding the future of the service club, of genuineness, of Haruno's words, of Yuigahama and Yukinoshita, of futures desired but untold.

And even when my eyelids are beginning to drop, I think. Even when my thoughts becomes more and more muddled and incomprehensible, I think. And in these last moments of awareness before I eventually succumb to sleep, I think. And as I ponder more and more, the more I get tired so I begin to fall asleep, and with that I begin to dream.