Steps up to the mic: Hi, folks. It's me, Winter, here with another story. If you know me from my one shots, poems, epic failures, and vignettes, this is nothing like that. This is my Magnum Opus!

"But what about Infamy's Daughter?"

Good question! You can find the answer to that on my newly updated profile, but if you're too lazy to go peek, I'll spill the beans here: I am by no means ready to write Infamy's Daughter as it should be. It's a full blown epic fantasy novel that needs time, love, and understanding. While I have the love, the other two are lacking, and it's just not ready to be realized yet.

"So what's this?"

This is An Unexpected Dragonborn, an ongoing project I've been working on off and on for the last five years. Some of the early stuff might seem dated or childish, but I'm slowly going back through and editing it. The story isn't finished, but I wrote the last word to chapter fifty this morning and decided, "What the heck!" I might as well share it, right?

So, what happens when the Dragonborn arrives on the doorstep of Bag-End, having broken the Fourth Wall to get there? Well, read on to find out...

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Chapter One — An Unexpected Dragonborn

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Bilbo Baggins of Bag-End had had it.

There were dwarves all over his beloved Hobbit hole! Thirteen of them! And they'd cleared out his entire pantry of food! He'd have to make at least six trips to the market to make it halfway decent again!

"Gandalf, tell me that no one else is coming!" Bilbo begged the tall grey wizard.

"Well...I believe everyone is here," the wizard informed him.

Before Bilbo could sigh in slight relief, there was a thunderous knock on the door. Startled, the Hobbit went to answer it as all the dwarves filed into the foyer and gathered round.

Bilbo opened the door to reveal a lightly golden skinned she-elf with dark reddish brown hair and crystal blue eyes. Kinda like if Boromir (who no one knows yet because his father is only about nine at the moment) was a girl and an elf. She wore strange armor (Akaviri if you must know) and had a glowing ebony longsword. A lavender Magelight shimmered above her head and she smiled maniacally.

"Hi! I'm Leara Rose-blade! I heard you guys were hunting a dragon and I decided to travel from my home far away to help." She had what we would call a British accent, more accurately, a London accent, even though London and Britain don't exist.

"How do you know of our top secret quest?" demanded Thorin Oakenshield, the majestic leader of the not-so-majestic quest.

"Well, I was visiting with my friend and mentor Paarthurnax when he mentioned that he had heard of the evil dragon Smaug who had stolen your mountain. I did some investigating and found out that dwarves were leading the quest. I've never met a dwarf before! They all disappeared from where I live. Calcemo would be so jealous!"

"And Calcemo is...?" Gandalf prompted when Leara Rose-blade seemed to be finished speaking.

"He's my high elven wizard buddy who's obsessed with dwarves!"

"Dear Mahal..." Dwalin muttered

"Disturbing on so many levels..." Glóin whispered.

"I am 170% done," Bilbo said. "Out of my house!"

Suddenly everyone was outside (except for Bilbo, of course). It was cold and dark despite the fact that it was almost May.

Suddenly (again), a blond guy with fancy warrior clothes made of fur and leather came running up. "Leara...don't run...off...and...leave me at that...inn with...with a bunch of...of short and strange people!" he gasped in a voice rather similar to Thorin's in range and frequency.

"Oh Ulfric! I was gonna come back for you!" Leara smiled, patting the poor guy on the shoulder.

Everyone stared at them.

"This is Ulfric Stormcloak! He and Oak-y over there are very similar in many ways down to the fact that they both really don't like elves. Except Stormy here doesn't hate me cos I saved his butt a million times too many. The two even have that one elf they detest above all others!" Leara rattled off.

"Wow, you really do investigate when you say you investigate!" Kíli exclaimed. "I wanna be just like you!"

"Chill bro, just chill," Fíli said, doing the weird 'stay down' gesture that is typically used for dogs with his hands.

"How exactly do you propose killing the dragon?" Balin asked.

This time Ulfric answered them, "Leara is the Dragonborn, the ultimate dragon slayer. She kills dragons on a near daily basis. She has dragon skulls decorating her house. She even hangs out with this one nice dragon on top of this mountain. She also saved the whole world from the World Eating dragon Alduin. She has dragon blood which allows her to use the dragon language in spectacular ways. Leara uses this shout called Dragonrend which knocks dragons out of the sky and forcing them to land. She lives and breathes 'DRAGON'."

The word 'dragon' hung heavy in the air.

"So...let us now be off!" Leara Rose-blade said. She then gave the Company, Gandalf, and Ulfric an expectant glance.

"Um...we don't have any mode of transportation," Bofur said. And this was true since the ponies they would have gotten haven't been brought up from the South Farthing yet.

"Um...idea!" Leara screamed, causing several Hobbits in Hobbiton to fall over screaming "Nazgûl! Nazgûl!"

"Leara, please don't..."

"What's she going to do?"

"She's—"

"OD AH VIING!"

"What did she say?"

"Well..."

"Wait — what's that—?"

Suddenly, with a noise like a hurricane, a great red dragon (ironically the same color and size as Smaug, just with more horns on his head) came down upon them.

"DRAGON!"

"DRAGON!"

"MUMMY SAVE ME!"

Everyone glanced at Dwalin but otherwise continued screaming.

"Odahviing!" cried a happy Leara Rose-blade as she hugged the very embarrassed Dovah on the muzzle.

"Dovahkiin, why have you summoned me this time? I'm not going to pose as your father so you can get into that bar in Elsweyr...again," Odahviing said by way of greeting.

"No, Odahviing, I just need you to help carry fifteen others and myself to Erebor. You know, that place your baby brother took over," Leara Rose-blade explained.

"Holy Mahal's hammer! Not only have you called a dragon upon us but it's Smaug's older brother? You have brought our doom upon us all, you she-elf witch!" Thorin cried, stomping his feet.

Odahviing and Leara stared at him and Ulfric and Gandalf face palmed in unison.

"So..." Odahviing looked back at the high elf. "I can only carry about five or six. You should call the other two."

Leara Rose-blade nodded thoughtfully, staring at the Company, the Jarl of Eastmarch, and Gandalf. She then turned and her voice shook the foundations of Arda and Nirn themselves, in whatever weird way they're connected.

"PAAR THUR NAX! DUR NEH VIIR!"

Suddenly, like a thunder battle and the smashing of mountains upon mountains, two more dragons came down from the sky.

"KUN OKAAZ PEYT TUZ!" cried a happy Durnehviir, shouting Leara Rose-blade's name as it appeared in the dragon tongue. He happily nudged the Dragonborn with his muzzle and she patted his nose.

All the dwarves fell over from the sheer force of the undead dragon's happy shout, but Gandalf remained upright. He and Paarthurnax regarded each other with furrowed brows.

"Kunokaaz Peyttuz?" Ulfric asked, getting to his feet.

"Shut up, stupid face," Leara told him.

"Why have you summoned us? Kunokaaz? I was in the middle of 'Eragon'," Paarthurnax questioned, looking from the wizard to the elf.

"That movie sucked," Nori whispered to Dori and Ori.

"I speak of the book," Paarthurnax told them and the three Ri brothers fell over again out of terror.

"I'm sorry, my master, but I need you to assist me in carrying these dwarves to the Lonely Mountain so we can deal with Smaug," Leara explained.

Paarthurnax nodded in thought. "Yes...Dibella and Arkay's son is cranky." He then glared at Odahviing. "You should take better care of your siblings!"

The red dragon huffed, catching Óin and Glóin's beards on fire. As the two tried to stamp out the flames, Odahviing spoke, "I was busy at the time, dealing with that fellow with the blue box."

Ulfric blinked, "He came and bothered you too? He tried to take all the Dunmer kids from the Grey Quarter! I—"

"Shut up, stupid face!" Leara Rose-blade snapped.

"I say, do you really think these dragons can carry us all to Erebor?" Gandalf inquired of the high elf.

Leara shrugged, "I suspect so."

"No! I will not ride on a dragon with an elf! I would rather—" Gandalf hit Thorin on the head with his staff and the dwarf king fell over, unconscious.

"Ooh! I haven't seen a dwarf fall over in ages!" Durnehviir laughed. He poked Thorin with his right fore claw but the dark haired dwarf refused to move.

"Okay...now let us be off!" Leara Rose-blade exclaimed, striking a valiant pose.

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Disclaimer: Let this stand for the whole story: I don't own The Elder Scrolls, The Lord of the Rings, the Hobbit, or any other media that appear in this melting pot of a fanfic. Just Leara Rose-blade and any other of my OCs that may appear in this story. Furthermore, nothing in this story is meant to be offensive or cruel toward anyone. Some jokes made are childish and dumb, but that's all they are meant to be.

Thank you for reading! Why not drop me a line in the box below and tell me just how this random piece of lit made you feel? Even a simple thumbs up is encouragement to a writer! ~Winter XOXO