Author's Note/trigger warning: This work, is based heavily on depression, self harm, anorexia nervosa, sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, miscarriage, and there is some elements that evoke images of harm to a child. So if any of these things are going to trigger you just stop reading now. This is a very heavy work, and me exploring rather dark subjects. I will accept any advice on self harming to make it more authentic, I myself have never gone that far. Also would like to know what a person did for you, that you found helpful.

For a long time I assumed that I would not post this work, I may not post more than one chapter, I suppose that really depends on who wants to hear this story and my own feelings on exposing more of this art.

Also I should add that this is an eventual Swan Queen story, but it's slow burn for sure so far from what I have written.

Shattered

By

Lady Razeli

Chapter One

Regina rushed around preparing a lovely dinner for two of lasagna and garlic bread. Henry had requested that she make it and said he would be around at their usual dinner time. Regina had been so ecstatic, she hadn't seen her son in weeks despite fighting for him in Neverland, despite breaking her own curse and returning them to the Enchanted Forest. It was like she could do absolutely nothing right. Henry had seen her breaking the curse and leaving him and Emma stranded in this world as nothing but abandonment when he had gotten his memories back, but what was she supposed to expect now from an eight-year-old boy. Emma had really fucked that one up for her, while twelve-year-old Henry hadn't yet said much after Emma had been sucked into her half-sister's Zelena time spell. She had taken precautions to make sure she got to Henry sooner, and even stopped Neal from dying. Instead of sacrificing himself, he'd sacrificed some poor unsuspecting soul instead. Thankfully Zelena was determined so despite Emma's meddling the time spell still happened and Gold had still killed her as even though Emma had saved Neal, she had still caused his death previously.

"Okay everything is just perfect for my prince," Regina muttered. She thought about all the changes how her six-year-old had ended up hiding in the luggage trunk on a bus to Boston. She had vomited at that news, what if he had frozen to death. Thankfully he had gone out well bundled like she had taught him and taken water and snacks. This time Regina had followed Henry to Boston furious as a six-year-old wasn't as good at disappearing without a trace. Emma had of course followed them back to storybook after one look in that kid's pretty green eyes. It had broken her heart endlessly to have so much of their progress gone. Naturally it had caused so much trouble, she'd had to call the Boston Police Department after Henry made the national news. She had assured them of his current safety and even had Dr. Hopper send a report saying he was more disturbed than he was, so it would not prompt outsiders to try to get to storybrooke. She had enough trouble with Emma at the time. It had all been a nightmare.

Soon it was dinner time, Regina was expecting Emma to drop Henry off right on time, but she had reasoned it was Emma Swan they were talking about, so she would be late not including any extra time Henry and Emma would both need to argue with the Charmings about Henry spending time with her. She hadn't been allowed unsupervised visits with her son, but it didn't mean she couldn't hope. In any case she'd set a place for Emma in the kitchen, just so she could pretend just for one evening that everything was okay. At half past six, she called Henry's cell. He didn't pick up. She called Emma and she didn't pick up either. So, she waited, and she wait until the lasagna got cold. She tried again to call Henry and even sent a text. He eventually responded to the text after twenty minutes.

Oh, sorry I forgot about dinner, Emma and I got side tracked at the arcade and then dinner at grannies with grandma and grandpa.

Regina let out a long breath as she texted her son that it was okay she'd drop off some lasagna in his locker at school for lunch. She knew how much he preferred her homemade lunches. It was all he would let her do for him. So, she made food and put it in tuberware for him in the refrigerator or dropped in his locker. She usually found it empty and the container in the dishwasher. Otherwise there was no contact. With a sigh she picked up the lasagna and went to the kitchen she separated it into containers making sure to put it in a clearly marked container for Henry. She would warm it and take it just before lunch when he was in class. She dumped the garlic bread, Henry only ate it fresh anyway. She cleared the table putting everything back in its place before she methodically cleaned the kitchen until it was spotless and the rest of her house too. She didn't want it dirty if Henry ever came home. He had to come home one day, right?

Once her home was spotless she made her way upstairs, out of habit she started to go into Henry's room to wish him a good night and tuck him in. It didn't matter how long he hadn't been there her legs moved on autopilot and she couldn't seem to stop herself. Still she opened the door and looked into the dark room, she flicked on the light and moved to the bed. Empty as usual and properly made, and as usual she slightly rearranged his pillows, so it looked as if a little lump was curled up under his blankets. She backed away and turned out the lights and for a moment she imagined him all tucked in and passed out slaying monsters in his sleep. A tear rolled down her cheek as she quickly closed the door and retreated to her room keeping her eyes on the carpet. There was so much emotion swirling inside of her she didn't know what to do with it. She shut her room door and undressed down to her bra and panties. It didn't take her long to simply head straight for her bathroom. She pulled open a drawer and ran her hand along the underside where her hand connected with a razor. She pulled it out and stared at the small silver blade for what felt like an eternity before she looked up at herself on her arms were traces of cuts from weeks ago down to the ones she had made two days ago. Two days she had managed not to self-harm.

Two days was a lot for her these days. In the original time line, she hadn't self-harmed for most of the twenty-eight years under the curse, most of Henry's life until he had started to call her the Evil Queen. The days had been repetitive then, but she had been at peace, there was no bad stuff just emptiness and lack of change. But if she wanted change she could simply cross the town line without problems. However, to fill the void that something was missing that required her baby boy, her little prince. He was gone now too though. Emma had taken away her last two peaceful years with her prince, she had taken away the last days spent cuddling, everything had been pushed up to five years old where he began to push her away and think she was evil and a horrible mother. Emma would never really know what she had done to her, she thought she had just given them both extra time with Henry. But she had stolen so much more. If Regina hadn't realized what was happening when Zelena's spell had shot into the air and secured the memories of those that mattered mainly herself, Kathryn, Ruby, and Granny. She had soft spot for those three women even if they didn't know it sometimes. Lastly the Charmings, but it had done nothing to really change their opinion of her in general. Gold had also secured himself and Belle. And Regina had just remembered Dr. Hopper at the last minute, as she felt things changing she knew she would need him eventually.

Regina took a step back until she was up against her bathroom wall. She slid down to the floor as she now began to trace the healing cuts she had formed into a feather pattern. She had been slowly completing the pattern over the last few weeks. Organizing her madness as she liked to think of it. She sighed a little missing the days when the need hadn't been there, but with Henry pushing her away so much, she just couldn't help it. Besides it was better than burning the town to the ground in her grief, right? The pain was just simply too much now just as it had been when she was a child and again when she was forced to be married to the King. She shuddered at the thought of the King as she made her first new cut of the night. There was no difference between back then and now not anymore. For a little while in between when Emma had first shown up and there had been no magic, she had worried about scarring though she didn't care, the lasting physical pain for a day or two after seemed to give her more from the experience. Every time the fabric ran over it and elicited a slight wince from her she felt a release of the constant pain she was feeling. She had been very careful though slowly cutting herself, she didn't want to scar herself too much, but now thanks to Gold bringing magic back she could cut to her heart's content, burn herself even.

At that thought her index finger began to glow red so she burned the flesh of her cuts. She barely reacted except to let out a long breath. She added a few more burns to her thighs before she moved to add that day's fresh cuts to mark that day's pain. Why didn't her son love her anymore? She had done her best in all this time to show she had changed. That year without him had been the worst of her life she thought, but this, this now was worse than ever. She was desperate to do anything for him, and he hurt her. He had forgotten all about her multiple times, he had convinced her magic was so bad that it made her bad. It had hurt her so much to hear him say that, and so she had stopped using it, and still he hated her. And now he was saying all sorts of things to gas her up get her to think she could be as heroic as those stupid Charmings. Now that they needed her power magic was okay it wasn't bad.

What more did she have to do aside from the ten years of loving him she'd put into raising him to prove she loved him? Or she guessed now six years technically until Emma took him from her. Regina was strict but no more than any mother in this realm and certainly a lot less than her own mother. She thought of Cora, she'd come back through the portal after Emma and Mary Margaret only a year ago. If she hadn't been cutting before, she was cutting, then. As if that weren't hard enough, Mary Margaret had convinced her to put her mother's heart back into her chest to finally get the love from the woman she had been craving in every cut she had inflicted upon her body as a child. And just like that she was gone, and just like that she was burying her mother alone, just like that Rumple was alive, and just like that instead of Henry maybe coming home with her, comforting her, he was off comforting Snow fucking White who was feeling bad. She had cut every inch of her body she could reach that time by the time anyone had thought to check on her.

Regina just barely pulled the razor away from her skin just before she got to her wrists. There were several diagonal lines from her joint to her wrist. Blood dripped down onto her bathroom floor. She followed the drops of blood onto the floor and was lost in memories of the things that hurt her for a while. For a moment she contemplated slicing her wrist it would pool more of that beautiful red liquid on her white floor, the contrast was startling, and it was beautiful to her. She had always been a little mesmerized by the blood.

She didn't know how long she stayed like that staring at her blood and making cuts on her thighs or arms. But it wasn't until she heard her alarm going off that it ended her own fascination with her blood. Almost as if a switch flipped, she turned and got into the shower like she did every morning. Last night's shame didn't happen, her mother would have erased all the evidence from her body, but Regina took pleasure in the pain it gave her against the shame and guilt she often felt afterwards. The hot water left her wounds stinging but she felt so alive, the feeling of release was always so short lived before the shame of what she had done to herself set in. But by not healing her wounds right away as her mother had well that alone made her feel deviant against her mother and of course gave her little moments of life. She brought a hand up though and ran her finger over the one scar on her body she had been allowed to keep, forced to keep even. She had eaten too much while her mother was away once and had received a beating for it. Her lip had swelled from the injury. She still remembered her mother's words.

"Oh, my sweet dear girl, perhaps if you are pained every time you open your mouth you won't be compelled to put so much food into it. Mother knows it hurts, but you have to learn, you will be Queen one day dear and you cannot be fat."

'Queen,' Regina scoffed in her head as she got out of the shower. 'Some Queen I am.' Once out of the shower she took a moment to stare at her scar and thought about finally using her magic to erase it, but she'd had it so long now since she was about ten, that it was as much a part of her appearance as her brown eyes. She simply could not imagine her face without it. She brushed her teeth and cleaned her face before she dried herself off. She left the bathroom briefly to put on a matching burgundy lace bra and panties set before she cleaned up the blood in her bathroom. She methodically cleaned her razor and hiding it. If Henry ever came home, she didn't want him snooping. He had a bad habit of snooping around her things convinced she was always up to some evil plan, he had relented a bit after the year apart, but this was just one thing he could never find.

She sighed as she pulled her hair back and began to apply the days second face. She remembered the days when she put make up on because she found it fun to heighten her features. Now it just served as a mask to cover her pain just as it had when she was Queen. Her face had been the only part of her body she loved and now she had a hard time seeing even that. She only looked to make sure that the dark circles were no longer visible and that everything looked as if she hadn't a care in the world.

She finished her makeup before moving on to straighten her hair which she had recently grown out to her shoulders. As usual she didn't glance at her body. The stress of Henry in the curse breaking had caused her to drop weight quickly for which she was grateful she had gained weight during the curse, but with every day being the same really, she never gained nor loss. So, she had found herself incredibly fat, and she had learned to deal with it. It didn't stop her from weighing herself a few times though.

"One benefit I guess," Regina muttered after one last look at the scale before she stalked out of the bathroom and began to pull the bedcovers taunt over her bed out of years of habit. She hadn't slept last night at all. Once her room looked perfect as if nothing was wrong, she picked out her outfit for the day a tight-fitting black dress that forced her thighs to connect and cause her discomfort only because of her cuts. Even better when she decided stockings were a must with her outfit, they did nothing to stop the pain. It also had long sleeves and although the days were warmer, no one cared about her enough to question it anyway. She found her jewelry before walking downstairs, her coffee was on a timer, so it was ready and waiting for her when she arrived. She drank it black knowing it contained less calories and it was a diuretic. Her stomach growled but soon quieted down by the amount of coffee and water she drank to start the morning.

"All right Regina another day facing the ungrateful masses, you think they would be grateful for the medical advances, electricity, and cleanliness," Regina grumbled as she gathered her purse. Regina took a deep breath put on signature resting bitch face and walked to her car as she did every morning she worked. Once in her car she sent a glare at the perfect building meant to give Henry a wonderful childhood, so many memories and they were all for nothing as he would rather be cramped up in that tiny waste of a loft apartment with Snow White and Prince Charming with their imbecile daughter. She didn't know what was best for Henry, his favorite meals, what to do if he had a nightmare, none of those things! Anger welled up inside of her and Regina took a moment press down hard on her thighs, those wounds had crusted over mostly so she didn't worry about blood on her dress, with her arm however she did a bit. Even so the pain was just what she needed until her anger had gone down to an acceptable level.

"Maybe I should trade him in, he traded me for a new mom, maybe I should just get a new kid," Regina grumbled as she backed out of her driveway slowly. She kept an eye out for any neighborhood children, but they shouldn't be passing by for school for another few minutes or so. She drove straight to work, she wasn't surprised to see the uncharming clan heading to breakfast and Henry absent his school uniform. The other kids were already lining up to get on the bus and they hadn't even glanced in that direction. You would think living with his real mom and his teacher that he'd make it to school. Not to mention Mary Margaret should have already been there.

"Surprise not taking him to school again, Swan," Regina grumbled. God only knew that the only reason he had attended school in New York was because of her influence. She drove to the town hall and parked in her usual spot before she got out of the car and went inside. She passed by her secretary, Clara, with a short nod of hello. It was her silent cue to the woman that she was in no mood for mistakes or unwanted interruptions at work. She loved her secretary as the woman had been efficient even in the enchanted forest. They weren't friends, but they understood each other and when the curse had broken, and the poor woman had gotten sick for the first time in nearly three decades, Regina had made her soup to last her a few days, brought over tissues and whatever other necessities she could think of. The secretary had been extremely grateful and returned all items with a tubaware full of oatmeal raisin cookies, a favorite of hers as a child that her father had made for her. How could her mother say no to cookies made from oats and raisins?

"Madam Mayor it's lunch time, shall I head to Granny's and bring you back something?" Her secretary asked. Regina noted that only Clara seemed to note if she skipped lunch and so had made it a point to ask if she should pick something up.

"Um…no Clara, I actually need to go drop off lunch for Henry, so I'll grab something at the diner myself. Thank you, though you can already head out for lunch."

"Thank you, Madam Mayor," Clara said, but she noted that Clara didn't head out until she headed out. In the beginning Regina would tell her to already go and skip lunch all together. So just to be sure Clara always bought food back or made sure Regina at least left the office. Regina walked to Granny's first out of habit, it was Wednesdays, Regina had always surprised him with a chocolate milkshake for lunch, she didn't care how much it hurt she could never stop herself from doing the little things anything to remind her prince that his Queen still loved him more than anything else in the world.

"Hey Regina, Hump day milkshake?" Ruby asked when she had walked in. Regina nodded.

"Yes, and can you warm this up for me?" Regina asked passing her the lasagna.

"Sure, no problem," Ruby told her. "Can I get you a coffee or anything?"

"Yeah um… a small salad would be good," Regina told her. "And bottle of water." Ruby saluted her and went to take care of her order. She was perched on a stool checking her work emails when she felt a presence next to her. She frowned wondering what citizen had a problem now.

"Can I help you with something?" Regina asked without looking up. No one was stupid enough to threaten her here, but they were stupid enough to approach and she just wasn't in the mood. "But make it quick I am on my lunch break and it would be proper for you to observe the town hall hours in this instance."

"Is that the way you talk to your King, my Queen?" Regina visibly paled as she stopped her movements on her phone screen just as Ruby came back over with everything packed away except the milkshake cup, which was a plastic iron man cup that Regina left at the diner on purpose.

"Can I get you something else sir?" Ruby asked as Regina just shakily pulled a twenty out of her wallet and gave it to Ruby.

"Keep the change Ruby," Regina told her. She refused to look at him because if she did, she might not be able to keep her composure at all. She grabbed her stuff and quickly left before he could do or say anything else to her as he tried to get Ruby to go away. She made her way back to the town hall only to get to her car. She sat in it a few minutes breathing hard.

"No, you're having hallucinations, you're tired Regina, you are going to take an early day and actually sleep," Regina told herself. She just managed to start her car and make it to Storybrooke elementary. She gathered the things for Henry, she just had a few minutes before lunch started, that meant she could at least stay hidden around the corner and watch his little face light up at the sight of the milkshake and know for once she was the cause of that beautiful smile again. She was just about to shut his locker when a little body ran into her full force.

"Mom," Henry moaned into her legs. She winced at the pain from her cuts, but it was nothing compared to the pure joy she felt at the feeling of her son hugging her. Nothing could top that feeling not even her fear that she had been next to Leopold of all people again. He was dead, but her prince, he was right here, and in her arms when she went down to hug him back because damn it nothing was going to keep her from that feeling of her boy in her arms once more.

"Hey Regina." And just like that Emma's voice cut through her bliss.

"What are you doing here Ms. Swan, checking I didn't poison his lasagna?" Regina complained.

"No, he got sick I came to pick him up," Emma said. "Anyway, we were going to head to your office anyway, he wanted to pick up a few things from his room for when he's sick." Regina's mothering instinct kicked in then as she felt his forehead.

"My Prince you have a fever, is it your stomach again?" Henry nodded. When he had been eight before he had been prone to getting stomach bugs often. Regina had never known why, just that it had been a year of stomach bugs although she had suspected some faked in order to be home with mom, and God had she taken those days for granted when he would fake sick just to be with her.

"He's had this before?" Emma asked showing just how woefully unknowledgeable she truly was.

"Yes, which is why he'll be coming home with me, I know how best to take care of him. This is what I do best Ms. Swan and I won't argue with you." Emma shrugged. The kid had already thrown up three times since she'd been there, and she had arrived only ten minutes before Regina must have. She was at a loss and had been wondering if she should just take him straight to the hospital. And she didn't fancy sharing a bed with someone who threw up without warning. She felt extremely sorry for the janitor here. Emma realized Regina was still talking to her. "…I don't care that your parents are dictating when I can see my son and alone or not. He comes home with me, stay if you like, but he's not going to recover from this in a bed he shares with you." Emma looked embarrassed she was thirty and sharing a bed with her son in her parents' loft. Not how she saw her life going. She had always wanted to give Henry the best, and she wasn't doing that by sharing a bed in a loft that held no privacy. She'd already had to scold her own parents for being too loud, not just because it freaked her out but because Henry had woken up scared. She hadn't been able to sooth him and he had cried himself to sleep wishing for Regina.

"You're absolutely right," Emma told her suddenly excited as a lightbulb seemed to click on in her head. Honestly a breather at Regina's was just what the doctor ordered. She imagined the guest bed would be a god send from her second-hand mattress back at the loft. Plus, there was a large flat screen at Regina's that she couldn't wait to play on. Mary Margaret and David didn't have a tv, and it bugged her. Besides Regina's tv she had totally tricked her into upgrading by saying that she bet Henry would love that not to mention the latest game system and Netflix. Before Regina had changed her locks recently, she had snuck in more than once to enjoy the entertainment. The thought of spending more time sitting around staring at her parents and now her grandfather was just too much for Emma. Besides maybe now she could find time to break the news to Regina. Her grandfather hadn't entered the diner with her, Marion, and Hook that night and with good reason. He would have been immediately surrounded by the people and then of course Mary Margaret had been just as dramatic as Emma had suspected.

"Ms. Swan I asked you a question," Regina snapped just as the bell rang. Emma shook her head.

"What sorry?" Emma asked.

"I asked you to grab Henry's things from his locker, you can take his lasagna and milkshake for your lunch there's no way he can eat it now." Henry moaned.

"You got me the milkshake." He pouted but he looked a little green in Emma's opinion no way he was getting it.

"Sorry kid, when you feel better, I'll get you another." Regina made sure Henry had anything he needed from his locker before they left pushing through the droves of kids now exiting classrooms for lunch. Once outside Henry climbed directly into the Mercedes.

"I'll go pack and meet you at your house then," Emma told Regina. Regina nodded.

"I'll be fine a few hours with my son, you can finish your shift, dinner is at six."

"Wait," Emma said making Regina pause in going around her car to the driver's side. Regina looked at her expectantly. "Henry always goes on about how amazing you cook, and I was wondering if you're making dinner for us anyway, could be Orecchiette with Mini Chicken Meatballs?" Regina looked at Emma for a long moment her face impassive, but Emma never got an answer as Henry failed to open the door fast enough and threw up on the car door. Thankfully the worst of it ended up on the ground. They both made a face as Regina grabbed her bottle of water, part of it went on her door to clean the rest she used to let Henry wash his mouth before taking a few sips. She stroked his head seemingly undisturbed by the amount of vomit that came from this kid. Soon they were driving off and heading to the mansion.

"Damn it she didn't say yes." Emma sighed and looked down at the items in her hand. No way she was letting this lasagne go to waste, she had wanted a piece of it once when Regina had brought it to the party, but she had been denied. Henry had laughingly told her she really should have been faster about it as Regina had served it once under the curse and not many people had forgotten her skill. Now she walked to the bug and got in, she drove back to the station. Her parents didn't need to know anything before her shift was over, it wasn't like she was the one with the problem with Henry spending time with Regina. It was just less of a hassle not to return without Henry for a few hours. Regina usually ignored her and if she were honest, she'd totally napped on the couch a few times or quietly watched television.

"Emma I thought you were gone for the day with Henry?" Mary Margaret asked. Emma sighed she should have known Mary Margaret would be here with lunch for her precious charming, she had been on a I'm the most perfect wife kick since her father had been back. Emma sighed she wouldn't get any peace today it seemed.

Meanwhile Regina had arrived home with Henry and taken him straight up to bed, getting him changed and in his pyjamas in record timing.

"You rest darling, I'm going to get you a few things and put on soup for dinner if you feel up to eating." He nodded. He leaned against her as she pulled back the covers and discreetly moved his pillow back into its proper place. She got him tucked into bed with a kiss as he closed his eyes. Regina left out as she gathered a cool cloth for his head, medication for his fever, medication for his stomach, and of course a decent sized waste basket that they had both agreed over the years was the best for endless vomit. She woke him long enough to take his medication and put the cool cloth on his head. She prepared homemade chicken noodle soup from scratch. Then she headed upstairs and began to prepare the guest room for Emma. She was sure she hadn't dusted it in twenty-four hours so there would be a nice layer on the furniture.

"Mom?" Henry called out just before she heard vomiting. She rushed out and saw Henry vomiting on his bed. She smacked herself when she realized she had put the trash out of his reach. She brought it over and he finished into it.

"I'm sorry mom," He cried.

"Shs, shs my little prince you have nothing to be sorry for, you're sick," Regina soothed. She got him out of bed and removed his soiled pjs.

"I only had these here love, but I still have one of your big shirts," Regina told him. He nodded as he lifted his arms and she put the large band t-shirt over his head. Emma would get a kick out of the fact that it was from the Killers, surely Regina's uptight self would never let her child wear this shirt.

"Come on you can rest in my bed while I get yours all cleaned up, darling," She told him. She carried him to her bedroom and pulled her blankets back. Soon he was settling down under the covers on the left side it had always been his side. She kissed his forehead before she dumped the waste basket and set it in his reach this time.

"Mom?" Henry asked.

"Yes honey?" Regina asked as she put a new cloth on his forehead.

"Can you read to me?" Henry asked. Regina smiled at him.

"Yes, my prince, just let me finish preparing the guest room, clean up your room, and check on your soup." Henry nodded as he sank down into her bed more with a content smile.

"I know my bed is the same but smaller, but I swear yours is better mom," Henry muttered. "So soft." Regina chuckled.

"I know what you mean," Regina told him kissing his forehead. She left the door open and went back to his room where she stripped his bed down. She finished the guest room taking the old blankets and sheets down the stairs along with Henry's things. She put his laundry on first, checked on the soup before she took up fresh blue sheets and his batman blanket and pillow case to put on the bed. Then she scrubbed the floor of vomit before she washed her hands changed into a pair of leggings and a long sleeve band t-shirt. She wasn't done taking pains from her wounds but Henry could not find out about her cuts. He could never know how truly fucked up she was.

. She brought one of Henry's comic books to read to him, but he insisted on one of her classics which she had preferred before.

"Which Classic then?" Regina asked him.

"The Prince and the pauper," Henry told her. She nodded and the brown book with gold leaf designs around the edges appeared in a puff of purple smoke. He moved so his head was in her lap and they read the story together. Soon he was asleep as she stroked his back and head lovingly. She had so missed this and was so happy inside that after everything Henry still needed his mom, needed her and Emma couldn't ever take this away from her. She kept reading until she was forced to get up and check on the soup.

I'm sure this was heavy, but please leave a review and let me know what you thought.