Sorry, guys. Yes, I said that I wasn't gonna update till April, but I love reading and writing fanfics and I was stressed with uni stuffs and I read and really like A Dyslexic Writer's new fanfic Wandering of a Sword Hero and my birthday was last week and and and…

Anyway, this is actually a crossover involving three anime/manga: Fate/Stay Night UBW anime, Tate no Yuusha no Nariagari (The Rising of the Shield Hero) manga and Tondemo Skill de Isekai Hourou Meshi manga. I'm sure that most of you would've heard of them before, but the last one is still not that known yet, which was why I decided not to post this in the Anime X-overs instead. It's okay if you haven't read the manga; you can still read this fic without its background knowledge. But I do recommend reading it, because the manga is humorous, relaxing and overall superb. Besides, who doesn't like Fel?

Without further ado, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Fate/Stay Night UBW, Tate no Yuusha no Nariagari and Tondemo Skill de Isekai Hourou Meshi.

Finally, a Vacation!

Fate/Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works x Tate no Yuusha no Nariagari x Tondemo Skill de Isekai Hourou Meshi

Un-betaed

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Archer stared at everything around him with a critical (and, to be honest, really bewildered) eye, and thought, 'What the fuck.'

He was expecting Rin to summon him as per usual. The tugging feeling of being summoned to the Fifth Holy Grail War was no stranger to him, but then suddenly the copy of his soul was sucked away during the process. It was as if someone or something just snatched him and steered him away from his original path, and chucked his soul to this world.

He had crashed violently into the unforgiving stone floor (just like how he'd crashed into Rin's study room), before quickly reorienting himself to begin analysing his situation.

What he saw baffled him. High, overarching ceiling made of stone blocks; tall columns and stained-glass windows; bright-coloured banners hanging on the wall; and at the far end of the hall, a throne. Not to mention, the medieval knights, nobles and mages around him. Archer thought he was somehow summoned into the Arthurian timeline, but upon landing his eyes on the old man on the throne, he knew that wasn't the case.

"Welcome, oh four heroes—err, what?"

The mages, probably his summoners, blinked stupidly—because when the dust finally settled, there were five people on the summoning circle instead of four.

Archer then realised that he was not the only one who was (accidently) summoned here. Judging from their attire, the other four looked as if they came from Archer's original time, with the exception of the various weapons and armor on their hands.

"Huh?" one of the four with the shield stammered. He turned around, and bulged his eyes out upon landing his gaze on Archer. "Huh?!"

"What's going on?" the long-haired guy with the spear bellowed. Archer eyed the spear with distaste, being reminded of a certain blue-clad asshole, but he decided to give this young man a benefit of a doubt first. Maybe, just maybe, he wasn't an asshole. "This isn't where I was!"

"It's like the middle age, but also a bit like a game…," the black-haired young man—no, a teenager—with the sword mused, his eyes roaming around the hall. Archer blinked at his sword, because it was nothing like what he'd seen in his entire existence. A heavily-nerfed legendary sword...Well, it was automatically stored in his Reality Marble, so he could take a look at it again later.

"What is this weapon?" The last one, another teenager, peered at his own bow curiously, pulling back the bowstring lightly as it was a harp. Archer's eye twitched, refraining himself from smacking the boy for treating a legendary weapon like a toy.

"Ah, um," one of the mages stuttered, before clearing his throat. "I understand that this must have come as a shock, but time is of the essence!

"Our country, Melromarc, is in the middle of crisis. A rift has opened from another dimension, and monsters have come crawling into our world in great waves. When the first wave came, the kingdom's knights and adventurers were able to hold their own, but…"

He went on and on and on, until he finally ended his story with a "Please save our world!"

Archer almost blurted out a "Fuck you!" in return, but he managed to stop himself. He couldn't stop the eye-twitching, however.

Another mage then stepped forward.

"Due to an unforeseen circumstance, we wish to check your identities," the second mage said nervously, before hurrying to add on, "Not that we do not trust you, lord heroes! But there is an...extra person summoned here, and we wish to cast an identifier spell on your person before you face the king."

The five summoned people looked at each other, before four of them blinked at Archer, who had no visible weapon on his person. The mages took a step towards him, but a simple act of narrowing his eyes stopped them. This man exuded a feeling of power, projecting himself as someone who should not be trifled with—someone who was more like a Hero than the others summoned.

"D-do not worry," another mage said reassuringly. "To ensure your privacy, we will only find out your name, your job and your basic abilities."

That...is odd. Job? Basic abilities? Archer did not want to reveal his identity to these suspicious crowd, but he decided to wait and see how this would go as one of the mage approached the long-haired guy.

Surprisingly, a large, floating panel appeared in front of the mage when the spell was casted. Archer could see information written on it, and for some reason was reminded of those video games he saw a decade after his Fifth Holy Grail War. Eventually, the mages confirmed that the other four were indeed the 'Heroes' who they were intending to summon, and the crowd bowed at them reverently (though, for some reason they were less respectful towards the shield-wielding one).

It was now Archer's turn. He narrowed his eyes at the mage, before finally relenting, allowing the intimidated man to cast the spell on him. Archer readied a dozen swords in his mind, just in case things go sour.

A moment later, he felt a tingling sensation, before a large panel popped out.

[Name]

EMIYA

[Job]

Servant summoned by mistake from another world

[Basic skill]

Food menu

"...Food...menu? What is this?" the mage muttered quizzically. Curious, the Spear Hero took a look from behind the mage's shoulder, before laughing uproariously.

"Food menu!" he wheezed, snorting uncontrollably. "And servant! I thought you were a real deal, but—Hahahaha!"

Archer retracted his previous statement. All lancers were assholes.

The Bow Hero and the Sword Hero laughed along at him, commenting on whether he was working as a servant in a cosplay cafe when summoned, considering his current fantasy-like attire. Archer's eye twitched for the third time in the span of fifteen minutes since he was summoned.

Though, the Counter Guardian was curious when the Shield Hero chose not to join the mocking. Instead, he stared at Archer with wide eyes and a gaping mouth, as if he was hit in the head several times.

Suddenly, a realization hit him.

Archer quickly closed his eyes, expanding his magical sense to the surrounding. He sensed no Gaia, though there were some weaker divinities present in this world. Pleasantly surprised, he moved on to check on the status of his body. It seemed solid enough, allowing him to perform at a Servant level, but what intrigued him the most was his core. Alaya's connection was still there, but for some reason it was really faint, as if his employer was far, far away from this dimension.

And there was no link from any Command Seal, even though his status was a 'Servant summoned by mistake from another world.'

Perfect.

They were then ushered to the king sitting on the throne nearby. The king eyed the four heroes plus one in front of him, taking a moment to cast a disgusted look at the Shield Hero and the red-clad peasant, before addressing them with a booming voice.

"I am the king of these lands, Aultcray Melromarc XXXII. If you are able to save our world, oh heroes, you will be rewarded handsomely - "

"Excuse me," Archer interjected cheerfully. The king turned to him, sneering at the peasant who dared to interrupt a king. Archer scratched his head, pretending to be abashed, and tried not to sound too smug because monarchs tend to be unreasonable when they were slighted. "I'm actually no hero, so I might interfere with your work. I will look for something else to do while you guys save the world! But do you mind sparing me some money?"

And so, that was how the Counter Guardian was kicked out of the castle with a silver coin, signaling the start of his vacation.

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"What a stingy king," Archer grumbled after finding out that he could only buy the cheapest meal in the inn with a single silver coin. He decided not to, of course, choosing to save it no matter how insignificant it was.

Currently, Archer was leaning on a wall in an alley, contemplating on his presence in this world. He had decided that this was the chance to have a vacation, away from demanding employers, tsundere masters and moronic younger-selves, but even then Fate was still cruel at him. Archer did not understand why he had an E-rank luck; his luck did not feel like ten times better than an average human, seriously.

I mean, a silver coin?!

The overworked Counter Guardian was miffed. How could he start his vacation without money? Well, actually he could just trace gold coins and pass them off as real money, but it just felt...wrong. Apparently, he still had some morality in him. Surprise, surprise!

Archer pinched the bridge of his nose, before sighing. At least, he knew he had a last-resort back up should he need a quick cash (...he was actually in need for one, but, well, maybe after a few days of no money then he'll resort to that.), but he was confident that he would not end up in such situation.

Maybe he should work as a labourer? Of course, his 'job' description as a 'Servant' did not literally translate to 'menial worker' because it was actually a title granted to legendary heroes who were summoned to fight in the Holy Grail War. To be honest, Archer didn't mind doing some labour work, but his complexion and his attire looked quite peculiar around here, and he'd already heard whispers of a certain peasant being accidentally summoned along with legendary heroes. Soon, the townspeople would recognize his physical features and connect the dots, and that would be troublesome.

(Archer couldn't stop snickering from imagining Gilgamesh being summoned in his place. Forget saving the world; those poor souls would have summoned their end of the world instead.)

Should he try living outside the city? He'd eavesdropped on some adventurers that the monsters in the forest were giving them more problems recently, so maybe he could find a living from those monsters. They should yield some useful items like pelts or meat that he could sell, right?

Deciding on the next course of action, he dusted himself off, traced an inconspicuous cloak before heading to the city gate. As he emerged from the alley, he saw one of the four heroes, the Shield Hero, talking animatedly with a lightly-armored woman. It seemed that the kid had found a companion or something, though Archer frowned a bit when he noticed that the kid had no weapon with him.

'He got a new armor, but not even a short sword? Strange,' Archer thought, before shrugging. 'Then again, it's not my problem.'

The Shield Hero did not notice Archer's presence until they passed by each other. Naofumi Iwatami paused, before whirling around so suddenly he accidentally knocked over the still pretending Malty Melromarc with his shield.

"E-Emiya-san!" Naofumi called. Archer paused, before turning a bit to raise an eyebrow at the boy. "C-can we talk?"

Archer tilted his head in a universal gesture of "Huh?". His eyes inevitably landed on the woman sprawling on the ground, noting her sour expression which contained much more malice than a simple annoyance from being accidentally knocked over. It was as if she hated him, and her jovial behaviour was all just an act.

Archer internally groaned. Ugh, women.

Recognizing the drama that would unfold sooner or later, Archer decided that it was totally not worthed it to interact with the Shield Hero, and shooed him off without saying anything.

"Not my problem, not my problem," Archer continued chanting under his breath, ignoring the callings from the Shield Hero as he increased his pace. "This is a vacation, dammit, so there's no point in being involved in dramas with evil women!"

And so, the Servant who was summoned to this world by mistake stormed out of the city, deciding that he should try to live as a hermit instead.

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Archer stared at the orange, evil-looking sphere in front of him.

'An Orange Balloon has appeared!' a panel appeared.

"It's a balloon," he deadpanned.

The balloon shrieked, bouncing to bite him, and Archer flicked his finger. It popped and died, leaving nothing but a burst of air and small pieces of rubber in its wake.

"...It's a fucking balloon with no meat or skin." Well, except for some torn-off rubber, but Archer honestly doubt he could sell them.

He was startled out of his grumbling when suddenly, a panel popped out in front of him. A sword immediately appeared to slash the offending thing, but it passed by the panel harmlessly.

On the panel was written 'EXP 1'.

'These panels are starting to become really irritating,' Archer fumed. He came from a world where VVRMO had yet to exist, and although he as a Counter Guardian could be summoned at any timeline, he never had the opportunity to learn about the technology. That was why he did not recognise these panels, nor did he understand how it works.

At least, he could vaguely understand what EXP means in gaming. He had tried an RPG game once in his youth (courtesy of Issei. He didn't expect the goody student council president to be a gamer), though he did not follow its development after he left to travel around the world.

"If there is EXP, that means…" His eyes turned to the right to see a tiny icon, where it had always been ever since he was summoned here. He had ignored it because it did not look important before. "...Should I press it?"

Before he could move his finger, a very large panel suddenly appeared in front of him. Archer fought the instinct to tear the annoying thing apart, before proceeding to read what was in front of him.

[Name]

EMIYA

[Job]

Servant summoned by mistake from another world

[Level]

1

[Strength]

4695

[Defense]

4408

[Magic]

8588

[Agility]

6741

[Stamina]

6525

[Basic skill]

Food Menu

[Skills from another world]

Gradation Air

Reinforcement

Unlimited Blade Works

Runes

...Archer was sure that this parameter was way too overpowered for a level 1 character (1).

Which actually kind of made sense, considering his status as a Servant. It was possible that his arrival to the world marked him as a level 1, and translated his base stats into numerical numbers. Maybe those other heroes started with a base stats around a hundred points or two.

Or maybe those heroes had similar parameters as his. However, that shouldn't be the case, considering the balloon monster died easily just by a flick of his fingers, and it was supposed to be a beginner monster like slimes. Moreover, Archer didn't want to be around any more idiotic, overpowered people. Fifth Holy Grail War was enough, and this was supposed to be a vacation...

Going back to the status display, Archer noted that his magecraft skills were there too, but he was most intrigued by the 'Food Menu' skill. After all, it was the skill which was made known to the mages in the castle, instead of Unlimited Blade Works or his other magecraft skills. Besides, shouldn't it be 'cooking' instead of 'Food Menu'?

The thought of cooking made his stomach growled, surprising him.

"Huh. I guess I could get hungry here. Maybe it was the physical body I'm in."

But, currently he had no food in hand. The balloon left out nothing but pieces of rubber, so he might have to look for edible plants or animals.

Or…Archer took a glance at his basic skill again, before shrugging. Well, no harm trying.

"Food menu?"

Nothing.

"...Maybe I should press it."

Feeling silly, he tapped the 'Food Menu' with his index finger. At once, an overly bright panel appeared, and Archer almost stumbled backwards in surprise. Fucking panels.

Archer blinked at what he saw. This looked surprisingly like an online shopping page (he did shopped some exotic blades online before he died and became Alaya's dog. Archer was thankful that he wasn't as bad in technology as Rin). It was even more ridiculous when he realised that, instead of items from this world, they were items from his original world. And they were all from Japan, written in Japanese.

Except, the currency was not in Yen, but one from this world. Archer didn't even want to start thinking about the technicalities, because -

"What the—there's even a melon bun!"

Prompted by the increasingly-insistent growl of his stomach, he tapped on the cart button under the bun. A panel appeared, saying 'insufficient funds, please add more funds', with an arrow pointing at a square under it.

"Add funds…?" Archer fished out the silver coin from his pocket, before staring at it in contemplation. It's the only money he had, but he didn't want to eat rubber, he was too lazy to hunt or forage for food and there was a freaking melon bun that cost twenty copper coins, plus ten copper coins for a bottle of water…

Archer threw his hands up, muttered, "Fuck it," and pressed the silver coin onto the box as if it was a vending machine.

'Order completed!'

A carton box appeared in a flash of light. It looked just like any normal carton box for delivery in his world, so Archer deemed it safe to take a peek inside.

"Ohh!" he cheered at the hopefully-edible snack. "Melon bun and water, just as I've ordered!"

Oddly enough, he felt some sort of an accomplishment despite 'Food Menu' not being a fighting skill. He sat down on the grass field, took a bite of the bun and hummed in delight, because while he prefered home-cooked meals, sometimes he craved for good 'ol school flavoured buns too.

A group of balloon monsters bounced towards him, screaming bloody murder, and Archer simply flicked his finger a bit harder to generate pressurized air, blowing the balloons up and prompting EXP panels to appear. All the while, he savored his meal, enjoying the nostalgic bun he had sorely missed.

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"Well," the shopkeeper admitted grudgingly, " These are some high-quality products you have."

"Thank you," Archer smiled disarmingly, making the young girl behind the shopkeeper blushed. "I have keen eyes, so I was able to pick up the good ones over the rest."

Laid in front of them were an assortment of herbs, mushrooms, meat and pelts. Archer had taken a portion of these items for himself and kept it safely in traced ziplock bags (yes, they were useful little things) before selling the rest off. Fortunately, there were some mammals deeper in the forest, so Archer could hunt and gather some meat for his dinner later.

For now, getting more money is paramount. He didn't feel comfortable living around that pompous king and the mages who'd accidentally summoned him, so he planned to be as far away from the Capital as possible. Sure, he could fight all the knights and mages in the castle easily enough, but that did not mean he wished for it. Remaining unnoticeable and underestimated is preferable in this case. Especially if he wanted to enjoy his vacation without being gawked at like some heroes.

His train of thought inevitably led to those kids playing heroes. The Shield Hero's excited voice as he told his companion of how he was looking forward to be a hero and save the people had further soured his mood. He wanted to shake the boy's shoulders so badly that such dream was utterly rubbish and would get him killed very quickly, but Archer gritted his teeth and moved on.

'Please save our world!'

"Tch," Archer glowered in contempt. "What a load of bull."

"S-s-s-sorry!"

The Counter Guardian blinked, before realising that he was so lost in his thoughts that he forgot he was bartering right now. And judging by the trembling shopkeeper in front of him, he had accidently scared the man.

"Oh, sorry," Archer scratched his head. "Could you repeat what you've just said?"

The shopkeeper almost pissed himself when the stranger glowered at him. He had initially offered to buy this stranger's goods at a very low price, only to be met with a killing intent. His daughter had even gone from being enamored by the stranger to fainting on the spot due to fear. The stranger quickly went back to normal, but the memory lingered, and so the shopkeeper wisely decided to buy his goods at a very high price.

Archer stared at the bag of gold coins in his hand, before looking back at the stall he had just came from. The shopkeeper jumped in fright, before quickly hiding his face behind the counter. The Counter Guardian was surprised to receive gold coins instead of silver coins for common goods like these, but he guessed maybe there were some rare items mixed in. Oh well.

He contemplated on whether he should stay in an inn for tonight, before dismissing the idea. There was something nagging at his mind telling him that it was a bad idea to stay any longer in the Capital, so Archer decided to just go to the next town and live in the forest for now.

(It seemed that his E-rank luck was acting without his knowledge, because in the next morning, soldiers began a city-wide search for a certain red-clad peasant, before finally going back to the castle with a framed shield hero and no said peasant in hand.

Hey, give him a break. For once, it isn't a bad luck.)

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"Huh," Archer blinked at the image in front of him. "I didn't expect the online shop to have a portable stove."

It cost two gold coins, which was quite a reasonable price for a convenient tool like this. Soon enough, a packed portable stove appeared, and he placed it down on a flat slab of rock. He had bought some basic utensils from the market in the town (which were cheaper than online prices), so he placed them near the stove neatly, together with some ingredients.

It was getting late, and Archer had decided to set up a camp after jogging in the forest for a few hours. It felt relaxing to just focus on the nature around him, killing some violent beasts along the way, without thinking of his regrets and his mission to kill his younger self all the time. He expected himself to be stranded in this world for awhile, and so he decided to indulge in some hobbies which he had not done in centuries.

Cooking.

He thanked whoever had brought him to this world to have given him 'Food Menu' skill as well, because nothing beats the assorted ingredients from his world. Oh, and let's not forget the portable stove, because the heat from the bonfire was too uncontrollable to make the cooking perfect. Bless his soul.

"Alright, let's do this."

First, he sliced the red meat he'd gotten from a giant red boar he'd encountered in his trip. A simple swing of Kanshou was enough to behead the beast cleanly, and he had collected the meat, as well as the hide and tusks to be stored in a large, traced ziplocks (hey, he loved that thing) and large canvas bags respectively. It made things a bit difficult to carry, so Archer simply traced a wooden cart and put all his belongings in it (2).

After the meat was done, Archer added in vinegar from 'Food Menu' and left it. While waiting for the meat to soften, he prepared the vegetables he'd gotten from both the online shop and the forest, such as ginger and other-world cabbage.

Next, he stir-fried the meat, and voila!

'Stir Fried Red Pork with Ginger!'

Taking a bite, Archer nodded to himself, satisfied. The meat from the monstrous boar tasted surprisingly like normal pork, and it melted wondrously in his mouth. It had been so long since the last time he could cook freely, so it was truly a stress-reliever activity. Though, it was quite unfortunate to have no one to share the meal with -

Suddenly, he snapped up, eyes wide at the feeling that an individual had just entered his range of magical sense. Whoever they were, they were making a beeline to his location, moving impossibly fast. Judging by the speed, there was a high chance that this individual was at least a Servant level.

"Dammit, Fate," Archer cursed, standing up to trace his favoured blades, Kanshou and Bakuya, as he waited for the inevitable confrontation. "I finally have my vacation, so gimme a break!"

Finally, after a minute of tense silence, the individual slowed down. The ground began to shook, and trees began rustling violently. Archer readied his blades, posed to intercept and counterattack any attack that would come to him, as he waited with bated breath for the figure to eventually emerge.

It was a wolf—a massive, almost three meter tall Phantasmal Beast with predominantly blue-gray fur and four scarlet-furred legs. On its forehead were a four-pointed star and eyebrows-like markings, accentuating its cerulean eyes—which were currently glaring at him.

"Human…," Archer tensed even further, readying Hrunting and many other beast-slayer weapons in his mind as he nervously eyed the monster in front of him. It could talk, which signified its intelligence, and intelligent creatures like these were the most challenging to fight. Not to mention the overwhelming magic he could sense in its body, which made things turn from bad to worse. "Let me eat with you!"

Silence.

"...You mean, 'Let me eat you'?"

"Hmph, you seem to be deaf," the wolf tsked. "Human meat does taste nice, but I was referring to those meat on your plate. Give me that."

Archer, completely caught off-guard, complied by taking a few tentative steps back and leaving his unfinished meal on the boulder.

"...Uh, sure. Go ahead."

The beast wasted no time lunging at the stir fried pork, chomping on the small meal and swallowing it all in one go. It licked its lips to savour the lingering taste of the sauce, grinning contentedly as it said, "It's not enough. Give me more."

Archer stared at it blankly, before slowly asking, "You're not Arturia Pendragon in disguise, are you?"

"Who? Hurry up and make me more of those again. It was delicious."

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"That was fantastic. You have done well," the wolf finally said, licking its paw while picking some meat that was stuck in between its sharp teeth. "Even so, who would've thought that you could satisfy me with so little meat."

"Little?" Archer huffed in exertion. Damn, this beast was a real glutton, almost or even on par with Arturia's level. He turned to check whether there was any red pork meat left, and saw an empty ziplock bag instead. "You call 8kg of meat 'little'?"

The wolf hummed, and Archer's palm met his face. His stomach growled, which reminded him that he had barely eaten before this monster came to eat his food.

"Right," it then smirked at him, closing the gap between itself and the exhausted cook. Archer groaned at whatever was about to come. "Be my slave (3)."

"I refuse," Archer immediately replied in a deadpan. This was getting seriously ridiculous.

"Hmm?" Suddenly, the air began to chill. A gust of wind came out of nowhere, blowing away dust and leaves, as magic gathered in the beast. "It is an unbelievable thought but...Are you rejecting a rare chance to serve me, Fenrir the Alpha Wolf?"

"...You're asking me to be your slave."

"Well, it's a great honor, you know?"

Archer sighed. "Most people do not want to be a slave, you know, no matter who they will be serving. Why do you want me as your slave, anyway?"

"Because you can cook good food."

Figured.

"Besides," the beast, Fenrir, narrowed his eyes. "I sense great power from you, human...No, are you even one? A being like you is dangerous to be left roaming around the world."

"I just want a vacation, dammit," the underpaid-Counter Guardian groaned. "Anyway, why a slave contract? Why not a familiar contract instead?"

Fenrir blinked, before tilting its head. "What's the difference?"

...So there's no normal familiar contract in this world, aside from slave contract. That's pretty awful.

"So," the wolf grinned. "You will accept, then?"

"No."

"Aw, come on! I'm a legendary beast, rival of the Filolial Queen and the Dragon King!"

"...What queen? Anyway, I've never heard a human becoming a slave of a beast, so no."

"But demi-humans do it all the time."

So there's demi-humans here too. No surprise there. "Still a no, so leave me alone."

"You leave me no choice, then," Fenrir tsked, before suddenly, Archer was lying on the ground, a massive paw on his chest (4).

Wha—That was fast! Kanshou appeared in his hand to deliver a slash, eliciting a howl from the Phantasmal Beast—but it was too late.

Archer could feel a magical seal forming in his chest, linking him to the rude beast in front of him.

"Finally," said rude beast smirked smugly, feeling accomplished for his assault. "Now that you're my slave, I expect three meals per day—"

Rule Breaker appeared, pricked his finger, before the slave contract vanished, nullified.

"What?!" Fenrir yelped, eyes widening in disbelief. "Impossible! How—"

The wolf raised a magical barrier, halting a flying pair of married blades which appeared out of nowhere, before jumping backwards to avoid being skewered by Hrunting.

"You seem to think that I am an easy target, eager to be slaved," Archer remarked cooly, summoning more and more beast-slaying weapons behind his back, ready to be launched at the unnerved monster. "I may be physically weaker than you, beast, but that does not mean I cannot give you a sound thrashing for interrupting my vacation."

Fenrir eyed the floating weapons warily, sensing their power and their lust for its blood. After a long standstill, it sighed, before sitting on its hind legs.

"Fine," it said. "I'll be your slave, then."

What. "That's...not what I want."

"But I want your food," the decidedly-insane Phantasmal Beast whined. It gave him puppy eyes, which worked surprisingly well since it was a canine. Archer lamented the loss of his vacation.

"...Ugh, you know what? Fine."

Fenrir beamed.

"I still expect three meals per day."

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"Since I'm your slave now, give me a new name."

"...Doggo?"

"...Do you want to be called 'Hooman'?"

"Point. What about 'Fatty'?"

"I'm big, not fat. There's a difference."

"You eat a lot."

"Big, not fat."

"Oh, I know. Let's call you 'Freeloader'."

"You wanna fight?!"

Archer threw his hands up, "Fine. It's not like I have much of a choice. Let's just stick to Fenrir. Or Fel."

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"Master," Archer heard his familiar calling him behind his back. "I've brought the meat."

Without looking back, Archer hummed in acknowledgement. It had been so long since the last time he was called 'Master', which inevitably reminded him some good and bad memories, but Fel was so adamant on using the title that he gave up changing its mind. "Leave it at the corner there; I'm almost done preparing the side dish."

"Ooh! What're we eating today?" Fel bounded toward him, looked over his shoulder before proceeding to drool on him. "I want meat."

"Yes, yes," Archer said indulgently. After a few days since forming a contract with the Phantasmal Beast, he found the companionship to be quite enjoyable. Fel was apparently very powerful (judging from the parameters Archer had seen in his 'Party' section), and quite a good sparring partner so long as Archer refrained from using strong beast-slaying weapons.

Besides, Archer did long for a friend to share his meal, though he didn't expect said friend to be a wolf version of Arturia. Soon, he'd have to visit a village to get more money, since he was running out of ingredients that could only be found in 'Food Menu'. He'd tried putting a traced gold coin into 'Food Menu', but apparently it could detect fake money. Life's always tough for him.

"We're having Filolial teriyaki today. You've caught the Filolial?"

"No, I couldn't find a Filolial within vicinity, but I'm craving for human meat today. Let's have human teriyaki."

Archer paused, before whirling to see the 'meat' Fel had brought. Lo and behold, there laid a poor, bloodied human.

"Fel, I've told you not to kill humans! How did you bypass the Slave Command?!"

"I didn't kill him," Fel drawled. "I figured you should do it. The fresher, the better, right?"

Archer sighed in exasperation.

"...No dinner for you."

"What?!" his familiar yelped in horror. Archer had figured out a way to punish this overweight dog without even having to rely on the Slave Command. "That's cruel! You can't do that!"

Ignoring the whining beast, Archer approached the unconscious-but-thankfully-alive human who had the bad luck to become Fel's target.

Wait…"Huh. This is the Shield Hero."

A rustle from a nearby bush, before a small, demi-human child emerged. It was a girl, with ears and tail of a raccoon, stumbling and shaking very badly but was brave enough (or desperate enough) to point her short sword at him.

"R-r-r-release N-Naofumi-sama!" She cried, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Oh, Master. You made a girl cry."

"This is your fault, Fel. No breakfast for tomorrow."

"NOOOOO—"

.

.

.

Fel, being the good d—he meant, wolf it was, readily healed the Shield Hero with its magic to please Archer. It even went to hunt again, bringing back a moderate-sized Orc.

"...Fine, you can have dinner today."

"Yas!"

"Still no breakfast though."

Ignoring the bawling wolf, Archer prepared the Orc meat, deciding to make Orc teriyaki for dinner instead. He had tried Orc meat two days ago, and it unexpectedly tasted like high-quality pork. Humming an off-tune song, he went back cooking.

Half an hour later, the Shield Hero finally stirred. Blinking groggily, he looked around, confused as to why he was suddenly in the middle of the forest, sleeping on a futon of all things. Archer could see that he was relieved to find his young companion on his side (though he masked it under the scowling facade), and as usual, his eyes widened upon noticing the mistakenly-summoned Servant.

"You…"

"I see you've woken up," Archer began, before nudging his own companion to step forward. "Fel here wanted to apologise for almost eating you."

Fel grumbled softly, and Archer had to strain his ears to be able to catch "'rry" and "'ate you", but it seemed to be enough because all the Shield Hero did was to nod in return.

"I have a bit of Orc teriyaki left. Would you like some?"

"It's really good, Naofumi-sama!" the racoon girl, Raphtalia, gushed, seeming to have forgotten her fear and worry when she first met Archer and Fel in favour of praising the food. "You should have some!"

Naofumi paled when he heard that Orc, the disgusting pig-like monster, was the main ingredient for the teriyaki. Though, left with no choice, Naofumi shrugged, but remained silent. Archer didn't comment, choosing to pass him a bowl of the meal instead.

"...It's okay," the Shield Hero finally whispered, making the girl deflate a bit, and Archer saw no emotion in the his eyes. It was as if he didn't, couldn't, truly taste the food.

"You have changed," Archer remarked after Naofumi had finished eating. He was met with silence. Unbothered, he continued, "Where is your previous companion?"

The Hero snapped up, eyes filled with rage and hatred, and Archer simply said, "Ah. Forget I asked that."

"You two have met before?" Fel asked so suddenly that Naofumi and Raphtalia jumped in surprise.

"Yes," Archer replied. "I was summoned together with the other four heroes, including Naofumi here, and we briefly met again in the streets in the Capital."

"You ignored me," Naofumi grumbled.

"Well, I saw the woman you were with, and decided not to be involved in whatever drama you were in."

The Shield Hero sneered. "You seem to know that that would happen."

Archer shrugged in return. "I have some experiences. With evil women."

"...True."

Archer blinked, but before he could ask what did that mean, Naofumi continued, "But you could've warned me! I thought you were...You…" He trailed off, frowning.

There was a moment of silence, before Fel, intrigued by the human drama in front of him, coaxed, "You thought he was…?"

Naofumi ignored the question and looked around his surrounding, his eyes lingering at the cooking utensils and the modern items around him. "How did you get all these? They're from Japan."

"They're from my basic skill, 'Food Menu'" Archer grinned when he saw Naofumi's perplexed look. "It's like an online shop, where I can get useful stuffs from Japan. Quite a convenient thing, this skill is. It makes my life easier and fun."

"What...Then why are you here?"

"Honestly? I don't know, and I don't care. I've finally gotten the vacation I deserve."

"...You do look happier," Naofumi mumbled. "No wonder he kept wanting to kill Shirou. Apparently, someone needs a vacation."

Archer froze.

"...What."

"Huh?" Naofumi looked up, before realising that he had said that out loud. He frantically shook his head, saying, "Nothing."

Swords appeared out of thin air, tips aiming at the Shield Hero's neck. Raphtalia shrieked in surprise and fright, while Fel watched on with interest.

"Explain."

Eyeing the swords warily, Naofumi gulped, raising his shield slightly as he complied.

"I-I was an otaku. I watched anime. One of my favourite was Fate/Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works. You...well, you were one of its main characters."

…

"What the fuck."

I'm evil. XP

(1) I decided to follow the status display setting from Tondemo Skill de Isekai Hourou Meshi instead of Tate No Yuusha no Nariagari's. Tate no Yuusha does not show numerical parametrics, only the pentagonal metric (or whatever it is called), but i wanted to show Archer's strength as a Servant so yeah. I just use Nasuverse parameter rule as the base, e.g. Rank A means 50 times more than normal human parameter, then I multiplied it by 20. So Rank A Strength is 10000 points. From what I got from Tondemo Skill, normal human parameters is around 80-100 and adventurer slightly higher than that, so I assume normal Heroes in Tate Yuusha have around 200 base stats, with the exception of their special stat (e.g. Naofumi would have around 400 pts of Defense).

Please understand that this is not the main point of this fic, and it is just based on my assumptions and limited understanding on the three stories. Don't go and blame me for whatever wrong I've done, because I was tired, I hadn't done math since like forever, and I just wanted to fool around.

(2) I decided not to include 'Item box' here, since Tate no Yuusha world does not have it.

(3) For some reason, I've only seen slave contracts in Tate no Yuusha world. I'm not sure if it's the only familiar magical contracts in that world, so I decided to just use slave contracts.

(4) Just FYI, Fel's stats from canon are all around 9k+, so yes, Fel is bloody powerful. It (he?) should be, considering that I have Fel in mind as a rival to Fitoria and the still-unknown Dragon King.

Now, time to stress over all the works that's due next week. I'm ded.