EIGHT LETTERS~

I smiled as the little five year old girl sitting in front me struggled to catch her plummeting ice-cream. Her lips twisted in dismay and she frowned as she saw me and her spilled ice-cream. The bus was trotting speedily and I was gazing gently through the breezes that were flowing gently and then felt like they were hitting me. I accepted them heartily. I was again drowning in the past memories. I gulped vaguely as I realized this fact.

I felt suddenly like I'm surrounded by nihility and my livid-self breaking and tearing apart. I could see myself in the blue breezes and blue sky that was fading away. I was so vulnerable, breaking so mercilessly. Why was there no one around me? I felt something, something so empty, fake and uncaring and impervious. It was so empty and the nothingness was slaying me.

I could see him. He was somewhere far off, not really, He knew I was there but he kept me ignoring like there was never ever anything between us. Kai… How could he do this? Why is just even saying his name makes my hairs on skin rise and vibrate me and shake me… I shook my head and felt a cold shiver run down my spine.

You know me the best
You know my worst, see me hurt, but you don't judge
That, right there, is the scariest feeling
Opening and closing up again
I've been hurt so I don't trust
Now here we are, staring at the ceiling

I walked out the common room and saw him staring at the balcony that was lining the corridor. He gestured me to let them inside and with my one whistle, everyone started leaving the room. I smiled at him in ease and he nodded with an understood thanks. I was reasonlessly standing around there at the same spot and we began staring at the ceiling that was on the verge of breaking. In a moment, I could feel the beauty of us…us…us, doing the same thing, staring at the ceiling.

I've said those words before but it was a lie
And you deserve to hear them a thousand times

I was wearing a loose sleeveless knee length top which had light orange and pink small flowers all on it. I wore a jeans shrug and jeggings and with light lipstick and curly hairs lingering on my shoulders, I just wore a heel and left for the party. I was seeing my beautiful self that got, don't know, devoid of all the happiness I deserved. There was this coincidence that we our souls crossed each other's presence in the nuisance of the brown black lighted party. I placed my palm in front of my frowning face as an angelic blue flash landed on my face. I blinked involuntarily as I saw him staring me, standing right in front of you.

"Sorry," he said. I nodded and as I was about to head on my way, we both noticed everyone already dancing and paired up. I wasn't planning for any couple dance but the mood seemed to be changed. I offered him my hand and he laughed nervously and accepted it. WE started dancing slowly. I was getting that butterfly like feeling in my stomach but I was sure that my outside appeared as me being an uncaring, free going and happy girl who's happy on her own.

And through those little moments of our togetherness, those words were fake. I smiled when he said so, it was so eased with causality and non-romantically sweet. Trust me, they felt so forced when I introspected my feelings after a month after that. Eight letters- that's what he probably thought.

Wonder why I dressed, walked in my beautiful confident skin and ended up being said that. It was a lie…

If all it is is eight letters
Why is it so hard to say?
If all it is is eight letters
Why am I in my own way?
Why do I pull you close
And then ask you for space
If all it is is eight letters
Why is it so hard to say?

I had plenty of chances with Kai. He was sweet, gentle, well versed in Japanese and Russian, scored fine in our tests. I liked him. I had no reason why I liked him. It was just his introvert and non-coy moments of walking up, looking around, staring with interest in space and nothingness and laugh with lively joy, I guess were the reasons I fell for him. He didn't close up. Never again. It was always me who tried to be around him, talk to him and still make him feel comfortable in my presence. Why didn't I? He probably never wanted or wasn't concerned about me but why didn't I? Why was it's hard for me to say those eight fake letters he already said to me. I could have said them again, with truth in them. He said those words before but it was a lie and I probably deserved to say him a thousand times, just to make it clear that it was so profoundly in existence.

"Simra, you're wearing the wrong slippers," he laughed once when I got out of common room. I just longed to hear my name again when he said so. I shrugged and felt funny and I went in to quickly change and wear the correct ones.

I never knew why I tried nearing him and then again maintained that space. It is probably because he would never even allow me being around him if I had manipulated that space.

Isn't it amazing how almost every line on our hands align
When your hand's in mine
It's like I'm whole again, isn't that a sign
I should speak my mind

I remember walking through the snowy lane that was beautifully lined with red petals of roses on the other side. I was smiling as a soft piano was playing in my headset. I was mumbling in mild tone. I was gazing through the glass wall whose inside consisted of large empty hall where usual meetings were held. Out of blue, I saw him walking from the opposite end in the hall, separated by the glass wall. I immediately ignored and pretended to look at him only when he was actually about to. We smiled gently at each other and for no reason, he forcefully stopped his steps when I did mine and we were exactly opposite to each other, in front of each other, with a glass wall as the mere separation. I had one thing that I could remember very intricately. Palm lines. I knew the pattern of my palm lines very finely. As I opened my palm lines and faced it towards him, he blinked but again there seemed that compulsion in him to do the same. He opened his palm and I was reading his palm lines and I felt my heart warming up in the moment in a fleeting second as those palm lines just were same as mine. He didn't notice. As I touched the glass wall, he did the same, our palm lines aligning beautifully against each other.

When I close my eyes

It's you there in my mind

When I close my eyes

There was no reason why we distanced each other. It was so wordless, unexplainable but I could just feel that my never intending arising compulsion in him forced this. He would never reject anything that I just wanted to happen. However he learnt that slowly, after we distanced. It was strange. WE didn't talk. However, when I close my eyes, I could see him, see him smiling.

And that's how everything ended. We distanced without any reason but to avoid falling for each other. KAI, you at least deserved to know to hear those eight letters before it went too far away. I had no chance.

And that's how I was got so vulnerable, broken, and weak and found nothing but loneliness which I tried converting to solitude. I forget how I came here, what I was, that I was a strong girl, nothing ever can broke me except the people who were close to me and knew everything about me than my own self. And he….he wasn't even among them. No… Then how… Why did I feel that brokenness?

How…?

I broke from my chain of past memories as I felt my hand being pulled. The little girl was pulling me. I linked and then smiled at her. She looked at the melted ice cream and gave a sad look. I quickly pulled out a chocolate from my purse and handed her. She immediately took it with rejoice and devoured it.

There was still long way for Kyoto to arrive. I looked at the sky that seemed faded and bidding me off and I felt an another mature-self inside me who was rubbing my shoulders and singing a symphony to fall in sleep.

'Sleep, or else you won't stop thinking of him.' I heard me saying. I don't remember exactly because I was falling in a probable never ending slumber.

A/N: Gosh; it's been ages since I've written something. So yeah, this is bound to be full of mistakes. Pardon them. I've posted without even prof-reading them. But, any guesses, of those eight letters? ;D Review.

Must listen 'Eight Letters'~