Chapter 12: John*

Date: 17 November 2552

Location: Forward Unto Dawn, Space

After getting the physical 'all-clear' and scans having been taken, I moved on to my next appointment: a psychiatric evaluation. Apprehension made my palms sweat. There was no telling which way this meeting would go and I knew it would be the first of many to come.

"Hi, Miss Lasky. My name is Dr. Ehlers. It's a pleasure to meet you. How are you feeling?"

I gave the petite blonde a polite smile. "I'm doing well, all things considered, ma'am." I sat in the seat in front of her with nothing but a little open space between us. I eyed the big desk behind her and some plaques no doubt stating her qualifications and credentials in Psychiatry and Psychology.

"Glad to hear it! Your story is an interesting one, to say the least. I'm afraid we don't have much to compare it to so please be patient as we determine which path to take." I could feel tension draining from my shoulders as she spoke and looked at me with kind, brown eyes.

"I very much understand, ma'am. I don't have much to compare anything to-and I want to cooperate, truly." I laughed quietly, trying to find humor in my less-than-funny amnesia.

She nodded, "Yes, you've mentioned memory issues to others. I assume that is still the case?"

"Yes, ma'am. Some things have resurfaced, usually something triggers it. A phrase, or an action. So far, only good things."

"That's good news! Sounds and smells can trigger flashbacks, as well. It might help to listen to music you may have enjoyed in the past. Or maybe smell a perfume or food you liked. You could contact your brother to find out what those things may be."

I paled at the thought. It was one thing to face the Master Chief-without realizing that I knew him or what I had done (as well as not seeing his face). It was a whole other thing to face Tom.

My brother. Does he hate me?

"When you're ready, that is," she amended. "No need to rush but I have it on good authority that your fears are misplaced in regard to reaching out to Commander Lasky."

An overwhelming feeling of hope rose from within me at her words. No doubt the emotion could be seen plain as day on my face causing the good Doctor to give me a gentle smile.

"I'd like to hear some examples of the memories you've recalled, if you don't mind."

I nodded and rattled off the memories that have surfaced so far-leaving out the more personal details, especially the conversation with Cortana. Dr. Ehlers wrote notes as I went.

"And you're worried about bad memories surfacing?"

I swallowed a lump in my throat, nodding again. "Memories of the time… the time period after I went missing and before I was found." I looked away then, trying to suppress a shiver.

Dr. Ehlers put her pen down. "Miss Lasky, I wish I could tell you one way or the other what memories will surface. Unfortunately, as with all things in life, good comes with the bad. Until we learn more about what procedures were carried out on you-it's hard to say. It could be that something was implanted and removed. The time you spent with the covenant could forever be blank. It could be that all of it will return-or only some. Time will tell."

I held back the tears that flooded my eyes at her warm tone. "I've figured as much. It's just hard… not knowing. Not knowing what happened, of course, but more so not knowing what will happen."

What if it's like a lightswitch? One flip and I'm gone again?

"That line of existential questioning has plagued mankind for all eternity," she said wryly. "It's better to focus on what you can control. What you can fix." She stood up and opened a drawer in her desk and handed me a pocket-sized, old-fashioned notebook.

"One thing that has been known to help amnesiacs is writing down their memories or things that gave them the sense of familiarity, even if nothing was fully recollected. This one is travel-sized, since I've heard you may have a mission coming up." The corner of her mouth twitched when my head snapped up to meet her eyes.

"It honestly, might be good for you to stay in the swing of things to help maintain your progress. So far, your memories have all involved three particularly important people in your life: Cortana, Tom, and the Master Chief." She sat back down as she spoke.

"I cared about them," I said softly. "I still do. It's like my heart remembers them even if I don't." I couldn't meet her eyes as I made this confession.

For a minute the only sound in the room was that of Dr. Ehlers writing. Then she reached her hand and squeezed my own reassuringly.

"The brain is a wonderfully complex organ. Manipulate it, damage it, and things can get misplaced-people forget their lives, forget how to walk, or can suddenly do things they've never learned before. Given time, the brain can heal, rewire, and recover. It makes perfect sense that your strongest bonds, your memories with the strongest feelings attached to them, would show up first." She tapped her pen thoughtfully.

"Of course," I whispered. I thought about the Spartan probably out in the waiting room.

"Okay, Miss Lasky. One more question and I can set you free. I must warn you, this one might be harder to answer."

I met her brown eyes and nodded for her to continue.

"You were taken captive by the Covenant not too long ago. You were found in a medical room. Can you tell me what you remember?"

"I think I was drugged," I started. "I was only conscious for maybe less than a minute." I recounted the details. "I understood the jackal, perfectly without any tech. I don't know if that's my linguistic background o-or something they did to me previously. He knew my name. He called me by my first name…" I trailed off.

"Do you think he was helping you?"

"Yes, I think he was trying to let me go and he died for it. I wonder if he was the reason I escaped in the first place." I squinted my eyes, trying to remember something-anything from before.

"Don't force it. All in due time, Miss Lasky. Thank you so much for meeting with me today. You're doing remarkably well."

I stood and shook her hand. "Thank you, Dr. Ehlers."

"I'll see you next week? I believe the appointment is already in your schedule." She smiled as she held her office door open.

"Yes, ma'am." I stretched my wobbly legs a little bit as I walked down the hall. While still early in the day, between the physical and mental exertion I felt exhausted.

I returned to the waiting room of the med bay to find the Master Chief waiting as promised almost three hours ago. I stifled a yawn and smiled up at him brightly.

The quirk of his lips disappeared as his face took on a more stoic expression. "What's wrong?" I immediately asked, trying to guess what emotion I had seen flickering in his eyes and coming up with nothing.

"You look exhausted," he said, turning toward the room I had just left as if to confront the doctors. His brow was furrowed in such concentration that a giggle burst from me in my sleepy-drunk state.

The Spartan's eyes fell back to me at the sound of my unbridled amusement which in turn gave me more reasons to laugh.

His eyebrows rose and a quiet chuckle escaped just as he opened his mouth to say "C'mon. Let's get you back to your room to sleep."

My body hummed at his close proximity as he ushered me through the corridors. My brain imagined the infinite possibilities his lack of armor provided. It was simultaneously thrilling and terrifying to see this man face-to-face at long last. The excitement came from witnessing his reactions first-hand and trying to gauge them. The fear came from the high probability that I would shatter our fragile friendship by crossing a line for which he would be unprepared to handle.

As we reached my door, my fatigue betrayed me with a lengthy yawn that caused me to sway backward. Chief pulled me from my graceless tilt and steadied me with a hand on each elbow. The unexpected trajectory plus the momentum of my overcorrection caused me to stumble a bit forward, much closer to him than appropriate.

The heat that swept through my body from the feel of his hands on my arms and the gentle touch of his breath on my face ignited into a flame when I met his eyes.

"My name is John," he said, voice just as warm as the look in his eyes. My lips parted as I stared up at him dumbstruck and overwhelmed. My heart had sped up drastically at all its dreams coming true.

Does he not realize what he's doing to me? Can he hear my heart?

"The visor of my helmet didn't do your eyes justice…" A note of awe was strung throughout his statement.

When he reached as if to touch my cheek, my heart fully stopped, only regaining speed when his hand fell shortly after. He gave a rough shake of his head and glanced away.

"John," I whispered, voice unintentionally soft and heated.

I saw his eyes drop to my lips and he seemed to come impossibly closer. My heart lurched and my breath caught in my throat.

The sound of my tiny gasp was enough to break the spell. John's wide eyes snapped to mine and then he took a deep breath, stepping back and releasing his hold on me.

"I have to go," was all he said before he turned and quickly strode down the hall.

In utter shock, I scanned my hand at the panel and entered the room. As soon as I collapsed on the bed and closed my eyes I was out cold.

Apologies for taking 7 months to update. I got in a funk trying to write the psych eval stuff. Also, CoViD amirite?