Santa crept down the side of the house quietly. Slipping in past the mansion's marble exterior, and taking advantage of the open upper story windows, the jolly red man slipped into the ludicrously expensive bathroom.
The tile floors barely registered a squeak as he snuck around the near deserted foyers. None of the people living, or partying, in the mansion noticed Saint Nicholas skittering just on the edge of their sightlines.
All except one.
A curious guard, contracted for the christmas party, noticed the tail end of his red fur coat passing through the doorway.
He paused in confusion, before calling into his supervisors.
"Hey, guys, I'm gonna go check something."
He pulled out his gun, carefully walking to the closed doorway, the door creaking open.
The guard heard jingling in his ears, and he noticed a treasure trove of presents before him.
He lowered his gun, before tilting his head in confusion.
Finally, he shrugged, before turning around to leave.
But right as he did that, he noticed that the cupboard was slightly ajar. He moved forward to close it-
-When a man in a red velvet suit, with white fur edges fell out of the cupboard, and stumbles forward.
The guard instinctively pulls up his gun, shouting "GET DOWN ON THE GROUND, WE HAVE A -"
Only ot have his diatribe cut off as Santa lunges forward with a fire axe, the metal head stabbing through his-
"FUCK!" Jaune yelled as he axed a poor security guard caught in his path. "FUck, fuck, fuck!"
"Uggggghhhhh" he muttered to himself. "I was so close to getting out! Why is Hitman so hard!"
He pressed a button to pull his axe out of the NPC's head, and sighed. Alarms throughout the mansion were going off, summoning hordes of guards to his location.
"Twitch Chat, any ideas on how to get out of here?" He said as he turned to the side of his screen
~[Anon32]: I think you're screwed
~[LordSenpai451]: Yep, screwed.
~[Anon13]: The only way you're getting out of here alive is Plan B
~[Anon42]: Plan B!
~[Anon41]: Plan B! Plan B! Plan B!
~[Lancasterfan] *Has donated 100 bits*
~[Lancasterfan]: Hi Jaune! Just arrived! What's going on?
Jaune rolled his eyes at the chat before speaking again.
"Yeah, yeah, you guys always want Plan B. Hey LF, thanks for the hundred bits! We're playing Hitman 2, but Twitch-chat decreed the rules of engagement." Jaune said as his avatar quickly hid in the cupboard again, the fat Santa squeezing into the wardrobe stealthily.
"Alright, hopefully they won't notice the guy with half a face, and the...you know, blood everywhere." Jaune said sarcastically.
~[Lancasterfan]: Rules of engagement?
~[Anon13]: Jaune's not allowed any keyprompt commands and we banned him from using the tutorials.
~[Anon42]: Plan B! Plan B! Plan B!
~[Lancasterfan]: How the hell is he even playing then?
~[Anon32]: Blind luck, us giving him hints, and liberal amounts of plan B
~[LordSenpai451]: Hey Jaune, it's Q to lock the cupboard!
~[Anon41]: Yeah, it's Q!
~[Lancasterfan]: Plan B? What the hell's Plan B?
Jaune took a peek at the side of his screen where the chat, and his face brightened.
"Oh! I didn't know you could lock doors in this!"
The guards were getting closer to his cupboard, and the image of Jaune in the lower portion of the screen quickly pressed the button…
...which immediately threw Jaune's yuletide avatar out of the cupboard and right in front of the armed guards whose friend Jaune had just murdered with an axe.
Jaune's face froze for a second.
"You fuckers." He whispered, glaring at Twitch Chat as the NPC's began to yell into their walkie talkies.
"FUCK IT!" he screamed into the mic before he began button mashing.
"Plan B MOTHERFUCKERS!" He yelled into the microphone, as his avatar began brandishing its axe, carving through the guards.
He began cackling as his caroling avatar of destruction began to lay waste to the guards, the axe flying through the air to nail anything that moved.
~[Lancasterfan]: So...Murder Everything?
~[Anon42]: MURDER EVERYTHING!
~[Anon41]: Plan B! Plan B! Plan B!
~[Anon13]: I cannot believe he fell for that again…
~[Lancasterfan]: Again?
~[Anon41]: Burn it Santa! BURN IT ALL!
~[Anon42]: Plan B! Plan B! Plan B!
~[LordSenpai451]: "Lock the cupboard!" HAHAAHAHAAAHAHAA!
~[Anon32]: I wish I had the facepalm emoji on here.
~[Anon13]: {Lancasterfan} Yep! This is the third time this has happened. Honestly, I think Jaune just likes using plan B
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!" Jaune cackled as his holiday axe clipped through a doorway to kill another guard.
~[Lancasterfan]: ...nahhh
~[Anon42]: Plan B! Plan B! Plan B!
Over the next hour, Jaune's festive avatar proceeded to slice, dice, and chop his way through half of the party guests until he finally managed to murder the person 47 was actually supposed to kill.
Finally, the end mission screen popped up.
Stars: Zero
Points: Zero
Jaune grumbled to himself.
"Stupid game, stupid rules, I can't believe it's so hard. And the stupid point system makes no fucking sense! I killed that guy in a super short amount of time! Why am I so low on points?!"
~[Lancasterfan]: ...wait, is he being for real?
~[Lancasterfan]: He murdered like a hundred people! Of course he didn't get any points!
~[Anon42]: Shut up LF! He doesn't know!
~[Anon41]: Bury his comment, quick, before Jaune sees!
~[LordSenpai451]: Country Roads!
~[Lancasterfan]: Wait, does he seriously not know?
~[Anon13]: Yeah, we...kind of skipped the tutorial where they told you you're not supposed to kill bystanders. In his defense, he hasn't actually checked the "Detailed points" section yet to see how many points he's lost.
~[Anon41]: DUDE! Uncool!
~[Lancasterfan]: HOW HAS HE NOT NOTICED BY THIS POINT?!
~[Anon13]: Don't ask me. Yang hasn't noticed either.
~[Lancasterfan]: Oh my god...
Jaune cricked his neck, and oblivious to his viewer's concerns, started a new game.
One with a distinct lack of Santa-related paraphernalia, and instead dressed Jaune's assassin in the distinct tailored suits of the Hitman franchise.
He was midway through a level, sneaking through the streets of Mumbai, when a buzzing sound reached his microphone.
He pulled the smartphone out of his pants, and placed it on the table.
"Hi Yang." He said as he casually walked around an armed guard.
"Hey Jaune!" Came the cheery tones out of the speakers.
~[Lancasterfan]: Oh, Hey Yang!
~[Anon13]: Jaune! Tell Yang we said Hello!
~[Anon41]: Plan B! Plan B! Plan B!
Jaune's eye twitched to his chat.
"Oh, and Twitch Chat says hi!"
"S'up TC" Came the phone's voice once more. "So, Jaune, remember how were both doing this Blind Hitman thing?"
"Yeah?" Jaune muttered as he snuck past another guard.
"Well, uh, I just found something super useful."
"Do tell…" He said distractedly as he hopped a small fence.
"Well, try sneaking up behind someone real quick…"
Jaune looked at the phone in confusion, before shrugging and forcing his avatar to crouch and silently moving forward towards a guard.
"Okay, you're behind him?"
"Yeah?"
"Now press Q."
Jaune straightened his back and glared at his phone.
"...is this a joke?"
"What? No? Why would it be a joke?"
~[LordSenpai451]: HA!
~[Lancasterfan]: ...Well, he's at least learning a little bit
"The last time I pressed Q, Santa had to kill half the level"
"HA! Nah, but for real dude, try it."
The blonde boy narrowed his eyes at the phone, but eventually sighed and pressed the button.
And like that, his hitman lunged forward and wrapped his arms around the unsuspecting NPC, squeezing the breath out of the unsuspecting guard.
Jaune's face lit up in surprise.
"Holy shit!" He said. "What the fuck?"
"It's a silent takedown dude!"
"Really?"
"Yeah!" Yang said with relish. "Now press Q again to push harder!"
~[LordSenpai451]: Aww, they figured it out
~[Lancasterfan]: Did they seriously not know how to silent takedown?
~[Anon13]: they disabled keyprompts
~[Lancasterfan]: How did they do that? how the hell have they been playing this game!?
~[Anon13]: Well, they figured out how to pick up and switch guns…
~[Lancasterfan]: ...plan B?
~[Anon13]: Lots and lots of plan B. neither of them have gotten a single star in any mission.
~[Lancasterfan]: lol
~[Lancasterfan]: ...well at least they're having fun
"Harder, HARDER Jaune!"
"Like this?" Jaune said as his fingers pounded back and forth.
~[Lancasterfan]: uh….
~[Anon13]: …
~[Anon32]: wha...
"No, faster!"
"How about this?"
"Good, right there!"
"Come on, get it…" Jaune muttered to himself
~[Anon32]: should we be watching this?
~[Anon42]: Kinky
~[Anon41]: hawt
"There!" Jaune said as his avatar finally finished choking the NPC into unconciousness.
"UUUUUuuuuhhhhhhh!" Came the voice through the speakers in what was unmistakably a pornographic moan.
Jaune froze in his seat as his face colored bright red at the noise his phone just made.
His eyes narrowed even as his face tried to complete its transformation into a nice shade of fire engine red.
"..."
"...wow, you're really red, Jaune. That's a screensaver right there!"
"...Ruby watches all of these, you know. She's gonna kill you." Jaune muttered almost to himself.
"Worth it!" She yelled, cackling to herself as Jaune quickly shut off the call.
~[Anon42]: HA!
~[Anon41]: I am man enough to say that aroused me.
~[Anon13]: I am woman enough to say that I found that hilarious
~[Lancasterfan]: Ruby's gonna tear Yang a new one for that
"Now, where was I…" Jaune growled, returning to the game.
His hitman began tearing through the meager guards in the New York bank. This time, without the rest of the bank being alerted.
Silently, Jaune dispatched each guard with a cold efficiency.
The discovery of his new technique allowed him to silently take down most of the guards without even the slightest hint of discovery.
But as he was about to grab someone, the phone, carelessly left on the table, began to ring.
~[BananaBoyee]: Hey Guys, Yang just called me.
~[Lancasterfan]: Sun?
~[Anon41]: Huh?
~[BananaBoyee]: Watch this...
Click
"Hey Sun."
"Hey Jaune!"
"Hey, dude, I'm playing Hitman right now, maybe take this later?"
"Oh, I know dude."
"You do?"
"Yeah man!" Sun chirped from the phone as Jaune's avatar snuck behind a female bank teller. "I just wanted to say-"
Jaune's avatar lunged forward and grabbed her in a chokehold.
"CHOKE THAT BITCH! Yeah, get her good!"
Jaune's palm slammed into his face so hard he fell over.
~[Anon41]: Damn...that's gonna leave a mark...
~[LordSenpai451]: Ooof, I felt that one…
~[Anon13]: Ouch.
~[Lancasterfan]: Uh, Jaune, you okay buddy?
Jaune, having just recovered from his flailing and failing attempts not to fall to the ground had finally clambered back up into his seat.
"Hey Sun?" He said as he heard Sun desperately trying and failing to hold in his laughs.
"Y-Yeah?" Sun got through a suppressed wave of snickers.
"Fuck you."
"HAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHHAH-" He was still laughing when Jaune hung up.
Jaune finally sat back in his chair, massaging the bridge of his nose as he breathed slowly.
"Alright…" he said quietly. "Imma finish this mission. Just finish it. No problem…"
He took a quick peek at the chat again
~[Anon13]: Talking to yourself isn't a great sign, Jaune
~[LordSenpai451]: Damn bro, that welt on your head is massive...
~[Anon41]: is his head supposed to look like that?
~[Anon42]: Nah, that's not a welt, that's just his face
He quickly looked away with a roll of his eyes.
"Imma finish this mission, alone..."
He began to quickly move through the level, dispatching guards and civilians like the cold blooded assassin he was supposed to be, until, finally, he'd reached the woman he was actually supposed to be assassinating.
He was crouching behind her, all it would take was a second-
RING RING.
Jaune sighed, took a quick check of the caller ID.
"Saphron? Really? Now? This better be important" He rolled his eyes before he pressed the button.
"Hey sis, you're on speaker, did you need something?"
His avatar lunged forward and began choking the woman onscreen. His arms wrapped around her neck and squeezed, tighter and tighter until-
"Sis-"
"HARDER DADDY, UUUUUUUUHHHHHHH!"
"..."
Jaune slammed his head into the desk, causing it to rattle the camera with the force
Jaune lifted his head an inch before dropping it back down on the table, and continued lightly dropping his head onto the table over and over again.
"My. Own. Sister." Jaune muttered with each thump. "Et Tu, Saphron?"
"HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA! Oh god, I can see you through your camera!" Came the hysterical voice in his phone. "I'm gonna send this to mom, HAHAHAAHA!"
Jaune responded by flipping off the camera, which only increased the laughter even more.
Jaune lifted his head.
~[Anon42]: HAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAA!
~[Anon41]: THIS IS PRICELESS!
~[LordSenpai451]: LOL
~[Anon13]: Okay, you have to admit, that was a little funny Jaune...
"That's it, I'm done for today. Fuck you Saph, Fuck you Sun, and Fuck you too Yang, I know you're still watching!"
Jaune's darted to Twitch Chat to double check
~[BlondeBrawls]: [TheDorkKnight] Fuck you too Jaune! Your sister's funnier than you are!
~[Anon41]: Hey, don't we get a "fuck you!" too?
~[Anon42]: Don't forget us, asshole!
~[LordSenpai451]: Fuck you Jaune!
~[Lancasterfan]: Dude, you get hit in the head way too often for someone who plays videogames as their day job
"Pfft, fuck you guys too, TC" Jaune muttered, giving a small middle finger. "I entertain you with my misery, the least you could be is grateful..."
The chat was flooded with mirror statements, and Jaune rolled his eyes at them.
"Alright, I think that's enough for tonight. Fuck all you all, and Goodnight!"
A/N: I need more twitch chat names. Feel free to post suggestions in the comments, or if you want your own name featured in the fic, just ask. Also, FF dot net still has atrocious formatting, but hopefully I found a twitch-chat format that's easy to parse and that won't kill me to format. Tell me if you like it!
BTW, does anyone want to know the videos I'm basing these blurbs on? None of them are 1 to 1 comparisons, but they use real games, and the personalities and stuff are based on real youtube videos.