Just a warning that there will be major spoilers for the 'Desperada' episode in this one-shot. Also will be dealing with PTSD and some pretty heavy stuff. (But I won't leave you with all hurt and no comfort.)

Partners

Adrien wakes drenched in sweat. His hand is already reaching for his wrist, fingertips brushing bare skin. It's over. It's over. There's nothing to feel there. But his heart skitters and rolls like a clumsy, frantic thing. His chest is too tight. All he sees and hears is a spiralling chaos of gold flashes, trumpet sounds, and Ladybug vanishing over and over and over and over …

"Kid." Plagg's voice comes to him, muffled like its trying to work through stuffed bundles of wool just to register. "Kid, breathe."

Adrien shudders, tears spilling down his cheeks because it's too much, too much, and he can't breathe, and—

"Come on!" Plagg hovers right in front of his face. "Kid, look at me. Look at me, okay?"

Adrien manages to focus on the glints of green eyes in the dim light.

"Breathe with me," Plagg encourages. "Just follow me. Ready? In"—a deep inhale—"and out. Come on, you're not breathing with me."

It takes a painful amount of tries before the steel tightness crushing Adrien's lungs releases its grip. He slumps against his pillow, his whole body limp. Fresh tears prickle his eyes. His mind is still a mess of nightmares and memories, but at least it doesn't feel like he's caged in them. Reality has him, at least for now.

"Hey," Plagg says in a heavy tone. "Listen, kid …"

Adrien winces. He knows that tone.

Plagg sighs and settles on his shoulder like a tiny bundle of warmth. "You know what? Never mind. I'll sit with you for now. Just remember to take deep breaths, okay?"

Adrien closes his eyes and swallows against the raw lump in his throat.

It's been two weeks.

He's still failing.

oOo

Concealer hides the bruise-like shadows under Adrien's eyes and a smile perfected long ago helps to mask the rest. He is good at putting on an image for the public. Or was. It's harder now. There are bathroom stalls to hide in when the dam breaks and panic and memories flood. There are lies to be offered, excuses to throw up like a shield, but nothing seems to stop his grasp on reality from slipping.

Almost three months. 25,913 failed attempts.

He's the only one who remembers.

He doesn't know how to move on.

He can't.

"Adrien?" Marinette says a bit tentatively when she finds him curled over on a bench, arms wrapped around himself as if he's some cracked Humpty Dumpty trying to hold all the pieces together. "Are you … are you okay?"

He forces himself to straighten. Forces a smile worthy of Paris's largest billboard. "I'm fine. Think I just ate something at lunch that didn't agree with me."

"Do you need to see the nurse? I could—"

"No. No, it's fine." He stands up and places his hand on her shoulder. "It'll pass. Come on, let's go to class."

She seems reluctant to let the conversation drop, but she also doesn't argue. It's only when he's alone again that he lets himself fall apart.

The attacks are getting worse. More frequent. It feels as if he's stuck in a loop again, his anxiety feeding on itself like a beast that can never be satiated.

Couldn't save Ladybug. Can't put himself back together. Even being Chat Noir has become like navigating a minefield.

"I should have listened to you," he sobs to Plagg after a particularly bad attack. "I should have never accepted the snake miraculous."

Plagg doesn't say he told him so. Hasn't done so since the first night when the numbness, adrenaline, and relief wore off and cracks splintered Adrien into the mess he is now. Somehow, that only makes Adrien feel worse.

He twists the silver ring round and round on his finger.

25,913 failed attempts. 25,913 times he let Ladybug, Plagg, and all of Paris down.

oOo

"Why don't you just say it?" Adrien asks one day. "We both know I'm not fit to be a miraculous holder, and I—" hot prickles sting his eyes—"I don't want to put Ladybug in danger."

A heavy sigh. "Kid …"

"You can give the ring back to Master Fu and find a new holder, and then—"

"I won't."

"Why not?" Adrien doesn't mean the question to come out so angry, but it does. "Wouldn't you rather have a bearer who isn't a liability?"

Plagg gives him a sad look. "You're not a liability, Adrien."

"How can you say that when you see me like this? I can barely keep it together when we're fighting akumas. I can barely keep it together period."

"But you do, and you know what that tells me?"

A slight shake of the head.

"It tells me you're stronger than you think. It tells me you're the perfect person to be my bearer."

Wetness trails down Adrien's cheeks. "You can't mean that."

"Adrien, you protected Ladybug and Paris 25,913 times all on your own."

"But I didn't. Those were failures. I messed up every time and—"

"Survived long enough each time to enact second chance."

Adrien blinks. He's never thought of it like that.

"That's some real bravery and determination there, kid. Granted, 25, 913 uses of second chance in one go was extreme and I never, ever want you to do that again, but your heart was in the right place."

"But I'm … like this. I'm a mess, Plagg. You have to see that."

"I know, kid. I know. And if you really think you can't do it anymore, I guess there's nothing to be done, but ..."

"But what?"

Plagg looks off to the side, fidgeting. "It just wouldn't be the same with someone else."

"Oh, Plagg."

Adrien gathers the cat kwami into his hands and holds him close. Soft fur tickles his cheek. Plagg gives him little nuzzles and a purr soon hums from the kwami, low and steady and soothing.

"Do you really think I can do this?" Adrien whispers. "Do you think things will ever go back to how they were?"

"I don't think it'll be easy, but one thing I can promise is that you won't have to do it on your own. We're partners too, remember?"

Adrien hugs him closer. "Yeah. We are."

So this was meant to feature Ladrien, but it just didn't fit. I might write a little companion piece for this one though that will focus on Ladybug and Adrien.