Chapter 2 – You Have to Crawl Before You Can Walk

Six days later…

It was rough. Actually, it still is. Breaking away from something you love is no easy feat. But I think I'm getting myself there.

I can still feel it though. The yelling and slamming and coldness were still fresh in my mind. Ingrained almost, and such, I just have to think about it briefly before my body transports itself back to Tori's house.

But lately, it's been fast. The memory that is.

On the first few days, I can remember every detail from the break up. I can remember how Jade looked, the frustration quickly followed by her 'strong' mask, glossing over like a spray tan. It was all fake but you could accept it for what it was. I remembered how I wanted it to be over but at the same time I couldn't let it happen because I couldn't bring myself to do that to Jade.

Then I remembered the coldness. The icy stab to the heart as I held that door handle. It was like walking into a spike, seeing it miles away, but yet, you still walk into it. But if you had stopped, the army of guilt riding behind you tramples over your body ruthlessly. It was a hard choice, but no one said it was going to be an easy one.

It was a Thursday night and I took a look around to noticed, with totally opened eyes, that my RV was a complete mess; papers, dishes, cups, clothes spewed everywhere. My bed looked like it hadn't been made in a month, and, I can't even begin to describe the odor, but it was rancid. I took it upon myself, mostly as a distraction, to clean the place up. There wasn't any pressing assignments in the near future and so busying myself with some housecleaning was the next best thing.

It wasn't until I got to the fridge did my plan crumble. Because sitting there, on the bottom shelf, was an untouched six-pack of beer that Jade left one day, and we never got around to drinking it. We never drank much but we liked to let ourselves become a little more 'free', so to say, when we were hanging out. It was usually on the weekends when we drank and we mostly stayed in the confines of my RV.

And we never drank ourselves to a hangover; we always knew what happened the night before. But I haven't reflected on that particular moment in my life since the last time we hung out. And boy did it hit me like a truck. I stood there shell-shocked and hunched over like I've seen the last remnants of life on a desolate planet. It was a painful memory, having to remember someone through a time where only the two of you could create. And, I guess, that's why it was so painful: the memories. And then there was the pain that I was trying to distract myself from, it came full force. So I thought to myself, "Why not. I'll just have one." And so I did.

Everything was spotless when I finished sprucing up the place and it looked so nice that I didn't want to ruin it. So I grabbed one of my chairs, popped open a bottle, and sat there. I wasn't planning on reminiscing, at least not all night, but once the alcohol made contact with my taste buds, my mind started to play images of the last two years with Jade. And it felt and look so good that I didn't want it to stop. It was like I was on autopilot, and I know I should take control because there's a storm ahead of me, but I just didn't want to.

Most of my time with Jade was like being in autopilot, and I had faith in where we were going. Even on how we were going to get there, that nothing didn't matter either. But it wasn't always complete blind faith. I was doubtful at some points. But still; up until I knew I needed to keep that door close, I followed our relationship to the ends of the Earth with no hesitation. But there was this feeling; this tangible life force of Jade and I's relationship, slowly draining away, like a leaky faucet. Only, the pipes wore down more and more, and the more I tried to repair what we had, the bigger the leak got, and I was standing underneath that torrent of mistrust and lack of communication. I was drowning.

And now I'm drowning my sorrows away. With booze. It didn't take long either because since I'm not adept in handling alcohol, I wasn't privy to build up a resistance. In other words, I'm a fuckin' lightweight. Two beers down and I was out because the next thing I remembered happening, after I slammed the bottle on the table, was a loud thumping in my head and in my head.

"Fuckin' stop," I cried out. The pain was so intense that I didn't realize that the pounding wasn't only in my head but also on my door.

"Beck?"

WHY! PLEASE DON'T! I screamed into my head, which made everything worse. I didn't know why this person was screaming at the top of their lungs when my RV wasn't that big.

"Beck, please open up. It's Tori."

Please stop screaming. I grabbed my head and I covered my ears with my arms, my knees pulled up to my chest in a fetal position. I didn't know when Tori would be screaming again, and I wasn't about to wait and find out. I couldn't have known a hangover was going to be this bad, but even if I knew, I don't think I would've had the will power to stop drinking.

There was a loud screeching sound from behind me and I caved-in on myself deeper, willing the torture to stop. I was so focused on blocking out the noise and listening to my own thoughts that I didn't hear Tori's soothing voice calling out my name.

"Beck," her voice finally getting through to me, her hands softly rubbing my mine and coaxing them to remove themselves from my ears. "Hey, are you okay?"

I groaned in response, not because I didn't want to answer her but because it kind of hurt thinking about what I'm want to say and trying to say it. But I couldn't do that to her, so I tried my best. "Mm, please don't speak so loud," I pleaded.

"Don't speak – Oh, my God, have you been drinking!"

"Ugh, not so loud," I pleaded once more, returning my hands over my ears and curling in on myself even more. There was a brief moment of silence but her loud soothing voice broke the momentary quietness. It was like she was talking through a megaphone two feet away.

"C'mon, Beck. We're going to get up, okay? We're going to get on the bed."

"Uuuhh, I don' wanna ge' up." I groaned, my own voice giving me a headache. I knew I was being stubborn but I just didn't want to move. My head ached, sound's too loud, and everything was hot; especially Tori's hands. "Jus' lea' me her'. Sleep it off."

"You can sleep all you like, Beck, once we get up and onto your bed. Now c'mon, let's get up." She rubbed my shoulders before grabbing them and hoisting me up into a sitting position. The room spun and I groaned, wishing for all the colors to stop warping.

"Uuuuggghhhhh." I tried closing my eyes to block out the harsh light but that only resulted in me focusing on my headache, so I squinted.

"Okay. Half way there, Beck. C'mon. You can do this." I would be very proud with myself if I didn't have the throbbing in my head constantly making its presence known. But I wanted to do this for her. Tori was trying her best to get me into bed and all I was doing was complaining. "You ready to stand?"

"Mm," I responded, hoping it meant 'yes' to her.

"I'll take that as a 'yes', then. Okay. On 'three,' we're going to get up, okay? I'm going to be helping you, alright?" I wanted to say 'yes' or 'mm' again but the throbbing in my head was starting to become a pounding. So I just gave one solid nod. Thankfully there were no repercussions. "Okay. One…two…three," she said and then all of a sudden I felt my body being lifted up. "Beck, you have to help me a little here." She said, obviously straining to pull my weight up.

Oh, shit. I quickly remembered what we were doing, more like I remembered the only thing I had to do, and almost instantly took some of my weight off of Tori.

"Okaaayy," she said, struggling against my weight. "On the bed. Right behind you." Softly, she jerked my body in the direction of my bed. And with the grace of a thousand winds, she threw me onto it.

"Ooff," I said with my face pressed into my pillow, all sprawled out across my bed. Although there was a slight throbbing all around my head, the pressure when laying on the pillow dulled it significantly. It was like a cool breeze on a hot summer's day. But it's more like, in my case, aspirin to a headache. And that's what I really needed at that moment.

"Whew. Okay, that was a little tiring…somehow." I could hear her slightly huffing and I guess it was. "But, uh – Beck!" And it was at that moment I realized I had my face in my pillow. I felt my shoulder being twisted so that I was rolled over so, lying on my right side. "You need to breathe, Beck, because there are some things that I need to ask you. First one being: Why are you drinking?"

"Iss not mine," I groaned out.

"Yes, thank you for giving me the response of every alcoholic. Real helpful." I had my eyes closed now but I could tell that she threw her hands in the air. And also, because I heard a slap right after she said so.

"Um not uh drunk."

"No, but you are hungover, so you're well on your way there." There was a moment of silence and I thought that she had left. Be there was a slight bounce near my leg and I knew she hadn't left, yet. I felt her rubbing my leg soothingly before she asked, "Do you want some coffee?" At that moment, I knew she was an Angel because that was what I needed, other than an aspirin, a shower, water…but coffee works as well.

"Yes, please." I simply responded.

"Okay," she patted my leg, "I'll be right back." It was only moments later when I heard her in my little kitchen area, presumably tinkering with my small coffee machine. And, what seemed like an hour but really should've been a minute or two, the robust aroma of coffee wafted through the air and into my nostrils. I sniffed in the scent and immediately my senses were slightly clearer.

Slowly, I began to open my eyes, and when I caught a glimpse of light blue underneath some vibrant purple, I nearly bugged out my eyeballs trying to open them as fast as I did. Because standing there in front of my kitchen counter, waiting to pour two cups of coffee was the girl, the only girl and person that I really wanted to share this moment with. "How do you like it?" She called out.

"I like it a lot," I murmured, thankfully not as loud as I feared. "Um, milk and two tablespoons of sugar," I corrected myself. I prayed that Tori hadn't heard the first part, but there was a part of me that felt like it wouldn't be as bad as someone would think. Because honestly, I wasn't wrong.

She moved over to the fridge to check for the milk and that's when I remembered I didn't have any. But then she was bent over and…well let's just say that a highly imaginative mind knows no bounds.

I was staring, shamefully and not at the same time. Because there wasn't anything wrong in admiring a ni –

"Beck, you don't have any milk in here." I was broken out of my admiration, but I wasn't quick enough to remove my perverted eyes from her features. And that's how she caught me, staring, wide-eyed with my attention at its fullest. So I smiled like an idiot…hoping that… I was just hoping.

But when she just raised an eyebrow in response to my very obvious temporary obsession, I couldn't help but be confused. Because as far as I could remember, the raise of an eyebrow was either a very obvious positive or very obvious negative. Tori was gunning for the middle and she was doing it very well.

So like the idiot that I've proven to be, I shot my reply in the dark. "Cream?" I said hopefully. "I have cream in one of the cabinets." Fucking cream?! I knew I was in deep shit at that moment but she was still playing hard to read. I couldn't tell if I was in deep shit, because I knew I had to be but she wasn't confirming if I was or not. This really had me thinking twice, thrice, and infinitely more after that. Especially when she just moved to the cabinet underneath the countertop to check for the cream. She silently place the bottle of creamer next to the coffee mugs and stood there, with her back turned to me, patiently for the coffee maker to finish. I tried to look anywhere I could but every so often my eyes would find its way to her assets.

Watching paint dry would've been more enjoyable and less stressful because you knew that at the end of the wait the paint would dry. This, this excruciating long, albeit peaceful, wait was digging its heels deeper into my thoughts. But just like that, as I was about to spiral into oblivion, Tori took hold of the coffee pot and poured a generous amount into each, adding the creamer and sugar into each mug as well.

But it seemed that my brief moment to breathe was taken as quick as it came, because Tori continued to stay silent and was now sporting a mask over her face. It was virtually impossible for me to tell what she was thinking and how she was trying to handle my ogling. "So," she started, handing me my mug of coffee as I simultaneously sat up from my bed. I took a quick sip, hydrating my mouth before I could let her say anything else, at least not before I can apologize.

"I'm sorry," I said, interrupting her, "I wasn't trying to be a perv; looking at your ass like that, Tori."

"Beck I –"

"And you're probably uncomfortable even being around me right now and I'm sorry about that. Or at least I think you're uncomfortable, but if you're not then I'm sorry for assuming."

"No, Beck, I was ju –"

"You should probably be angry that I was staring like that. Like, I'm supposed to be better than that, right? I mean I should know 'cause –"

"BECK! I'm not mad, or uncomfortable, or anything else that you might think I should feel right now. Because right now I just wanna know if I mixed your coffee right."

I didn't know what to say, but I just sat there all stunned, dumbfounded, embarrassed, stupid… God what was I thinking? Well I knew what I was thinking, but I guess I wasn't clear on what I was doing. Wait. I knew what I was doing as well, but now I guess…the hell is happening?

"Um, what?" I needed answers and I was getting it out of the only person in this room with their head on straight.

"How's the coffee?" She asked again, like nothing in the past ten seconds had occurred, nor did it have any weight on whether or not she would see me differently.

"Coffee? It's, uh, it's, it's g-great," I managed to voice. She smiled kindly and I took that as my out, for now, to clear my thoughts.

If she wasn't angry about me staring at her butt, and she doesn't seem overly worried about my hangover, then what could it be? It definitely can't be how she made the coffee; it wasn't that hard to make coffee and it's actually pretty good. But beside the point, I couldn't fish out a question to ask her.

So we sat there in awkward silence, quietly sipping on our coffees and stealing glances at one another. It was very high school; one of us would turn to look at the other just as the other would turn away. And it was insane what we were doing. It was as if one of us would catch the other at the right time to stare into their eyes and hold it until we start the hold process again; stare at each other, break our gazes, and repeat.

Truth be told, I wanted to break that cycle, and I think she wanted to do that too. But, and this is why I thought we were both insane, we thought that we could break that cycle if one of us caught the other's eyes at the right time. Yeah, we, well at least myself, were insane. But we just kept going. And what seemed like hours passed by us.

Then it hit me: Why was she here? And why so early? "Um, Tori? Can I ask? Why are you here?"

"Well," she started, "I was…am…worried about you, Beck. You didn't come to school today and I thought maybe you were feeling a little down."

"Today? Tori it's probably…wait. What, uh, what time is it?" I couldn't wait for her answer as I turned every which way to look for my clock but for the life of me I just couldn't spot it.

"Almost five," she called out. I stopped dead in my search and I tried to wrap my head around the fact that I basically slept all throughout the night, day, and afternoon.

"What?" Disbelief spewed out of my mouth, even though I acknowledged that it was five o'clock at night.

"Well, technically it's four –"

"No, Tori," I cut her off, "I heard you the first time. I'm just trying to…five?" I look at her and I can see she's trying to keep it together, but I don't know why. I mean, I drank a little more than I could handle, overslept by a longshot, and now I'm just sitting here with some fresh coffee with a minor thumping headache. All in all, I could've done worse.

"Yes, in like a minute." There was a slight tremor in her voice, so much so that it was near impossible to hear. But the fact that it was five o'clock still bounced around in my head and I was still trying to come to terms with it.

But I couldn't, so I chuckled, dropping my forehead it a free hand. Then it shortly became a light laughter of nothingness where I had to grab hold of the mug with both hands. "What's so funny," she asked. I couldn't answer her at that moment. One: I couldn't stop laughing, and two: I couldn't face her and give her an answer if I did stop.

"Ahhh," I sighed, "I don't know." I was slowly easing myself from my self-induced laughter. "I just…I was…Is this what it's supposed to be like?" She took a moment and I thought she didn't understand what I was talking about.

"Like what?"

"A break up. Is this how it's supposed to turn out? The guy drinks while the girl cries."

"Wow. You are messed up." I look at her incredulously, incredibly confused because I thought she was trying to console me, but hey…I don't really know where I was going with this conversation so why not, right? "Jade is not a girl, and she doesn't cry." She said simply. And it got a chuckle out of me. I should've seen that one, honestly.

"You're right." Another moment of silence hung in the air and, once again, I retreated to the depths of my mind, trying to figure out what to talk about next.

"You're on the right path." Her words penetrated my reverence and it stuck for a moment.

"I thought you were the one that said I was well on my way to being an alcoholic." She scoffed and playfully punched my arm. There was something intimate and close about that gesture.

"Well, yes, but you are…you're supposed to be a little down in the dumps. I'd be more curious and inclined to find out if you weren't. Plus, this isn't something that goes away in a day." Tori's words washed over me and I tried to soak it all in. "And, you know, we're here for you. Both of you guys." That brought a smile to my face, because even if Jade and Tori didn't have a healthy, normal, friendly relationship, she still looked out for her.

"Thanks. And I think Jade does so too."

"Oh, let's not get our hopes up too high. I'll believe monkeys could talk before I could believe Jade truly appreciating our concerns." Laughter bubbled out of me for a moment and I relished the feel it gave me, especially since Tori was able to bring out in me.

"So," I started once I calmed myself enough, "What'd I miss at school?"

"Oh, nothing much. Brad Pitt came by for a surprise visit, Cat kissed Robbie, and Sikowitz brought in an iguana wearing a tutu to class. All in all, a regular day."

"Yeah it does sou – wait…did you say Cat kissed Robbie?" This, obviously, caught my attention. If anything, I thought Robbie would've found some courage to kiss Cat, but this…

"Yup." She said happily but left it like that. No explanation whatsoever.

"Well?" I prodded her. "No, you cannot be leaving me hanging over here. Give me the deets. What do you mean Cat kissed Robbie?"

"It was a scene." She said smiling, happiness overflowing. "At first it started out as any other scene that Sikowitz would throw at us, right, but then we all knew something was stirring because he didn't say out loud what characters they would be playing as. And it got more interesting when Robbie and Cat took a look at their scripts, obviously reading their character info."

"Obviously," I said in the typical valley girl voice.

"Oh, shut up," said playfully. I laughed and I kindly asked her to continue. "They asked Sikowitz if he was serious about the scene. He said 'yes'. Andre asked what they were playing but Sikowitz told them, well more like lunged at, not to tell the class who they were playing."

"Oohh, intriguing."

"I know right! So they just continued on with the scene. And when they started, it was obvious it was a romantic scene because they were fighting like a couple but they were arguing about 'when are you going to do it' or 'is it done yet?' No one knows who they were playing because Sikowitz jumped up and grabbed the scripts before anyone saw at the end of class, and Robbie and Cat haven't told us, but I think Cat is playing as someone who is in a relationship but wants to be with Robbie's character but can't be because on paper he's not as good as the person Cat's with. But, I think, there's some kind of history between them or something."

"Okay, now that doesn't sound too intriguing."

"That's because I haven't gotten to the juicy part yet."

"There's more?"

"Yes, now shut up." Tori shifted so that she was sitting crisscross-apple-sauce on my bed. I followed her lead but I only propped one leg up. "So they were fighting and it was getting intense, and then she tells him that they need to stop this and that he needs to turn around and walk back to where he came from, right?" I nodded in kind. "But Robbie walks forward and tells her he agrees, they need to stop. But he just keeps getting closer and closer to Cat. Then, out of nowhere, they both jump each other. Now at first, they were acting, we could tell, but then Cat started to get into it..." She paused for dramatic effect and I thought it was a little over the top. "Because she moaned." Or not.

"No." I drawled in complete, utter shock and disbelief.

"Yes. And then she was grabbing him, and then he started grabbing her, and then," she bounced a little on the bed as if to remind herself that this actually happened, "she raised her leg and wrapped it around his waist."

"No."

"Yes. And I honestly thought clothes were going to start flying, and I had no doubt that they were if given the chance, but the bell rung and everyone, I mean everyone, sat there silently as Cat and Robbie broke from the kiss, and looked around. Honest to God, I think we sat there for a good five seconds before Robbie and Cat grabbed their stuff and ran out the room as fast as humanly possible if not superhumanly."

I didn't know what to say other than, "No way," to which Tori responded, "Way," as if that was the correct answer to my discombobulated head's thoughts. Well, at that point I had no better answer, but I still felt like there was a better one out there.

"Has Cat said anything to you?" I asked, trying to drown out the silence.

"No. Honestly, I haven't really seen her all day after class." She said, sounding almost embarrassed of how she hadn't seen Cat.

"I thought you girls hung out after class on Fridays?" I was curious. It was basically their routine that they hung out at Tori's locker after classes on Fridays. I would catch them sometimes just chatting or getting ready to head out. Sometimes Andre, Robbie, and I, along with Jade, would tag along as well, but it was mostly Robbie and Andre.

"Well, she was not there, I guess. I didn't really wait for her because I had a project after school and I wanted to get some work in."

"I guess I was more important than that project, huh?" I knew I sounded cocky, and I hoped the smile I plastered on my face took the edge off.

"Yeah, well you're lucky I was listening to the small voice in my head; otherwise you'd still be asleep." Her sarcastic retort was far from being one; if the smile she was sporting was any indication.

"Honestly, Tori…that doesn't sound too bad." I laughed at that because sleep was calling my name, even though I've been asleep for most of the day. But I didn't want Tori to go. It was refreshing to be helped. Not that I try or put myself into positions where I need help, but it's a bit rejuvenating that a girl wants to help me cause I need it, not because they have to and expect something in return afterwards.

"I think I'm inclined to give it to you," she agreed, smirking. If I was a little honest with myself, the smile wasn't friendly, it was attractive; like attractive, attractive.

"Huh," I asked her. I was also a little disappointed that she was leaving so soon as well.

"You should get some sleep, and I should head home and work on my project. It's due in a week and I barely have half of it finished."

"That's tons of time. Just give yourself three days and you're good."

"Not all of us like to half-ass our work, Beck."

"Ah," I feigned hurt, grabbing my heart in show, "You cut so deep, Tori, and out of nowhere too." She shook her head at my antics and I knew she liked this little banter.

"No but seriously. We were given a month to do the project and I've been procrastinating like crazy. I gotta put some work in, or at least make it look like I tried."

"Ah, c'mon, Tori. You half-assing the work will make everyone else look like they didn't even do it. You can't produce mediocre stuff even if you tried."

"Yes, that's why I would go to you." I cried out in feigned hurt once more and that got a rouse of laughter out of her. "I should go," she said as she was removing herself from my bed. "And you should get some real sleep tonight, without any help from a certain third party."

"Yes, mother." I said annoyed. I loved this new thing with Tori. It was refreshing, but also fun. Who knew playfully scolding each other would be fun. But the fun was over when she began to move towards the door and make her exit. "Hey, wait," I called out to her, effectively stopping her. I stood and placed myself right in front of her. "You wanna hangout tomorrow?" I blurt out. I wasn't ready to let go of the new feeling Tori was able to bring, and this was harmless. Plus, I didn't want to be alone; especially with my thoughts.

And it seemed that Tori was on the fence about it. She was apprehensive about it, maybe the idea of hanging out with Jade's ex-boyfriend was the deciding factor. I wanted to tell her that I won't let anything happen to her, that nothing was going to happen, but it sounded like there was the possibility of it happening. So I kept my mouth shut and waited on her decision.

"Okay." God, it was like waiting for a judge to make its final decision on who's the winner: dramatic and breathtaking. "So…a movie? Going to the park? Ice cream?"

In all honesty, I hadn't really thought about how we were going to spend the day tomorrow. I just wanted to spend it with her. "You free in the afternoon?"

"Oh, thank God, yes!" It was like she was holding her breath on not wanting to tell me she didn't feel like hanging out. "I was planning on sleeping in, as always." I laughed because, honestly, what teenager wouldn't sleep in on a weekend. Plus it was enough time to plan something out before Tori and I would head out. "But yes, yes. Eleven or twelve; I'll be up by that time."

"Sounds good. I'll text you when I'm coming over."

"Not going to tell me where we're going, Beck." She says curiously, and also…flirty? No. Saucily – wait that doesn't make it any better.

"Um, no. It'll be a surprise."

"Uh huh, okay." She eyes me curiously and I think she's on to me that I don't have a clue as to where we are going tomorrow. But honestly, something like catching a movie, or ice cream, is easy enough, especially a spur of the moment planning. Maybe we'll even go to a karaoke club. "Tomorrow at twelve or one; you'll tell me when you're coming over and tell me where we're going."

"It's a date." There was nothing in me, past, present, or future, that would try to hide the smile that was on my face. And it only grew wider when Tori reciprocated with a smile of her own. "Have a nice night, Beck," she said, turning towards the door. "But not too nice," she called over her shoulder and that really got my attention.

"I won't," I called out as she made her way out and across the parking area. I took a deep breath and plopped back down on my bed, hands behind my head and eyes staring at a metal ceiling. And then that's when it just hits me, because I was being an inconsiderate bastard.

Did u need a ride? I quickly texted her. Her house is a ways away and it would've been dark by the time she gets into her neighborhood.

U r hangover and tired. It's fine. Plus, I could use the walk :) She texted back instantly and that took a small burden off my shoulders.

Ok. Be safe and text me when you get home

I will and I will

I spent the next hour planning my day with Tori. Sleep was pounding relentlessly but I held strong. It wasn't that she lived in a bad area, far from it, and I didn't live in a bad area, but the idea of Tori just walking home alone while its getting dark didn't bode well for me.

So when I finally got her text saying she made it home, it was safe to say that I was more than relieved. But I was also excited. Because tomorrow would be a day spent with Tori and I couldn't wait.

A/N: I don't own Victorious.

Alright, another chapter done. And probably the last one for a while... a six month while. Yeah I won't be writing, posting, etc. during that time period and after that, I'm doubtful I'd find time to write. Something drastic is happening in my life, sooo...yeah. Anyways, to those who care (probably no one), I'm sorry if you found this story interesting and wanted to see it play out, but that's life. As always, constructive criticism is welcomed (minor grammar and punctuation errors too) and I hoped you enjoyed it. If not, then there's other stories out there :P