Sometimes I feel like… Sometimes I feel like maybe none of this is real? I know that's really silly of me. But I can't help getting hung up on those theories. You know the ones, the ones wherein our entire society is simply a computer simulation, the dream of a cosmic entity, or some sort of Lovecraftian horror is lurking in the shadows; our free will literally within the palm of its hand. I know, I know, that all sounds absurd. There's no way in hell. But we'll never be able to disprove it, right? It may seem like utter nonsense, but at the end of the day, nobody on Earth can objectively say these theories are wrong. Yeah, I think about this kind of thing a lot.

I'm torn between a bittersweet appreciation for the idea and abject horror. Would not having free will be such a bad thing…? Well, on one hand, yes, obviously nobody would want that. To think you're locked in place by the will of others, unable to act freely no matter how desperately you may wish to, is well, a little terrifying simply put. But on the other hand, if my entire life is laid before me, inevitable and decided by someone out of reach, then no mistake I make would be my own, right? Nothing bad, nothing painful, nothing would be my own fault. And moreover, I wouldn't have to worry about what the future may hold since there's only one possible outcome, and I've been cursed by fate as being unable to change it. As spooky as that sounds, it's also like, kind of comforting?

Why am I like this? I hate to ramble. I often find myself in these dissociative episodes or whatever. I get all deep and whatnot. Can't be Monika without a daily dose of existential crisis. Ugh…

I stare up blankly at the ceiling. It was plain and white and boring. I look over at my wall… Plain, and white and boring. I have a few posters up, a bookshelf, computer desk, and other random bits-and-bobs. I've always felt like my room was missing something. Doesn't help that my room is basically where I am any time I'm not having fun. My room is where I am when I can't be with my friends. In here, my only pastimes are reading and writing. When I'm not reading or writing, I'm studying. When I'm not studying, I'm wasting time on the internet doing nothing. When I'm not doing that… I'm laying in bed feeling stressed out about all the studying I need to do, and all the futility and fleetingness of life. When I'm not doing that… I'm bored. I'm staring at my ceiling and at my bedroom walls.

Plain. White. Boring.

Hm, I think I've just been given poetic inspiration. I make a note to do that before I go to bed tonight. I still haven't written anything for tomorrow's meeting. I've been too busy… Erm… spacing out and pondering the meaning of life I guess?

Damn it, Monika. Get your head out of the clouds you have stuff to do.

I sigh and squeeze my pillow close to my chest. Nobody but me knows how cuddly and needy I am. Perhaps because I don't have anyone to cuddle… But yes, whenever I feel lost and wondering, I like grabbing the nearest object and holding it for dear life. It's extremely therapeutic, I highly recommend trying it.

My phone makes a familiar buzzing for finally having something to do, I grab my cell from off its charger and lazily unlock it.

My password… well…

It's kind of embarrassing.

Let's just say it has to do with a certain someone and we'll leave it at that.

I see the group chat has been awfully busy. I'm not really sure when all this chatting happened or where I was during it. I've been in my room all day, I should've heard the notifications. Shit was I really spacing out that hard?

[8:34 pm] Natsuki: Has anyone heard from Sayori today? I haven't heard jack shit, and I've been pestering her phone for the past goddamn hour.

[8:40 pm] Yuri: No, I'm afraid I haven't. What's the emergency? Why do you need her so badly?

[8:41 pm] Natsuki: …

[8:41 pm] Yuri: ?

[8:42 pm] Natsuki: I need her math notes. Test tomorrow, haven't studied, gonna fail.

[8:45 pm] Yuri: Goodness, how many times have we all told you to study? I'll see if I can get ahold of her, but for heaven's sake Natsuki. Maybe it'll do you some good to not get her notes. You might learn a thing to two about being responsible.

[8:45 pm] Natsuki: Pfft, okay mom. Whatever you say.

I roll my eyes. Yeah, Natsuki really needs to get her act together. This was probably the 50th time one of the four of us have gotten on her case about studying, but she always has Sayori around to lend her notes last minute. If I'm being honest, I suspect Natsuki just uses them to make a cheat sheet. There's no way last minute cramming could be keeping her grades at the steady A-/B+ range. Then again… I'd kill to be as carefree as Natsuki. She may be brash, and aggressive, but at least she doesn't care what the world thinks. I can't imagine not studying for a test. I need to be perfect. I've got a reputation to uphold after all and my parents—

Uh… actually, nevermind them.

[8:57 pm] Yuri: I can't get in touch with her. Odd… she's usually quick to answer.

[9:00 pm] Natsuki: Damn, wonder what's up…

[9:37 pm] Sayori: Hey guys! Sorry, I was busy. Didn't mean to make you worry. :)

[9:40 pm] Yuri: Busy? With what?

[9:40 pm] Yuri: Ah… I mean, if you don't mind my asking.

[9:40 pm] Yuri: Sorry…

[9:40 pm] Natsuki: God you're so awkward

[9:42 pm] Yuri: :/

[9:43 pm] Natsuki: Uh, Sayori? You still there girl? I still need those notes.

[9:46 pm] Sayori: Yeah sorry, sorry, got sidetracked. For sure, I'll send those by email lickity split. I've gotta go after that though, so night, ttyl. 3

[9:47 pm] Natsuki: Oh… okay then. Thanks, I owe you one. Later, then.

[9:51 pm] Yuri: Goodnight, Sayori.

Hm… I can't help but frown as I scroll past Sayori's messages. Something seems off. I can't for the life of me say what though, she seems just as cheerful and helpful as ever. But I've got this weird feeling in my stomach. Whatever though, I know I'm probably just overthinking things. I glance at the time, it's nearly 10:30 PM. A bit late to join in, but after quickly deciding it'd be better than mindlessly staring off into the void, I pick up my phone.

[10:28 pm] Monika: Hey guys. Anyone up to chat?

[10:31 pm] Natsuki: I would, but Papa's making a racket and I should probably see what he's on about. Sorry, I'll be off for a while. Later Monika.

[10:35 pm] Yuri: And I've just begun on my English assignment. It'll be occupying the remainder of my night. I'm sorry.

Well damn, that blows. I huff and toss my phone aside. I've got nothing else I feel like doing with it at the moment. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, but I note the lack of a response from Sayori. She did say she was busy after all. But it's still unfortunate. I never get tired of talking to her. She's so energetic and random, you never know what a conversation with her could be like. She's so happy and light that I feel a bit giddy myself while talking to her. It just rubs off on you like that. She's so cute and lovable and...

Wait what was I saying?

I hear the front door opening and shutting from downstairs. Peeking out the window, I confirm that it's my mother by way of spotting her atrocious lime green Chrysler PT Cruiser. It's not an attractive vehicle but it gets the job done I guess. That's what mom is all about though. Mom: she gets the job done. She prides herself on efficiency and excellency and always being in control. She made sure to raise her daughter to be just as successful and brilliant… I…

I let out a gentle sigh.

I should probably go welcome her home. She's a bit late getting back, but she'll no doubt want to hear about my school day. Not the fun parts, mind you. She only ever wants to hear about what I learned, what I'm going to learn, if I did my homework, if I've studied, upcoming tests, and so on. Y'know, parental stuff like that. I don't particularly feel like having that conversation right now but… Whatever.

Let's just get this over with.