Chapter 15

Bella couldn't help but roll her eyes at his self-deprecating statement. And then she laughed – full and loud, through her tears that were still steadily falling.

Then the most amazing thing happened. She could feel the tension in her body ease, and for the first time since she'd woken up, she felt like she was able to take a full breath.

"I knew you would think that," she said, laughing all over again at his tortured expression. It wasn't funny, not really. But the weight from her chest had suddenly lifted, and this euphoric feeling washed over her in warm and soothing waves. "That's why I wanted you to leave. But seriously, Edward. Everything's not about you."

His stunned, affronted expression was enough to make her laugh again, so she bit down hard on her bottom lip, trying to contain it. But it was like trying to contain the ocean in a sippy-cup.

"I don't…" he started, pausing as if he was unsure what to say. "Why are you laughing? I don't…understand."

"This is just me," she told him, rolling over to her side and taking his hand between both of hers. "I have panic attacks. They've been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. And sometimes they come out of nowhere like this one did this morning. But this wasn't because of you or anything you did. This is just my stupid body."

"I don't believe that," he said. And then he did something that made her heart flip. He leaned down and kissed her hands, first one, and then the other. "Last night was a lot…too much, probably. And your body's not stupid. It's perfect. But maybe it's not ready…maybe you weren't ready for…"

Bella's heart clenched.

"Ready for what?" she asked. "Ready to do what I'm pretty sure you asked me about a million times before you actually did it?"

He nodded.

"I'm not a child, Edward," she said, trying and failing to mask the irritation in her voice. "I'm a grown woman, and I'm more than capable of making my own decisions. And last night…I wanted that. I wanted you. I wanted everything we did. Everything you did. And yeah, maybe this is my body's way of saying it was…overwhelmed. But that's not your fault. I wanted to be overwhelmed. I want to be overwhelmed again."

His eyes widened, growing dark.

"You do?"

"Yes, but…" she started, trying to think about how she was going to say what she needed to say. "But I just…I can't spend every day wondering if one of my panic attacks are going to freak you out. I mean, they don't happen every day. But they do happen. And I'm used to them. Well, as used to them as I can be. But they're scary enough on their own without adding the additional pressure of thinking my…" She clamped her mouth shut, realizing she'd been about to call him her boyfriend. She wasn't even sure if that's what he was. Not really. And she wasn't about to ask him. "They're scary enough without thinking that you won't be able to handle it."

"You don't think I can handle it?" he asked, his voice earnest and questioning.

"I don't know," she said, more than a little miserably. "I mean, it's a lot. And you've seen some of it, but not everything. And this morning I came to the realization that that I'd finally found someone who makes me feel safe enough to want to push through all the awkwardness and embarrassment and anxiety, because being with them makes it all worth it. And even though it's terrifying, it's also amazing."

He stared at her, silent, until she felt like the anticipation of what he might say was going to kill her. She'd given him the truth – her whole truth – and now she just had to wait to see what he was going to do with it. When he still didn't say anything, she said, "But maybe it's not worth it to you. I thought maybe…well, I mean, after what you said this morning, I thought maybe it was, but…"

She couldn't finish her thought because suddenly his mouth was on hers. It was a soul-bearing kiss, desperate yet soft, and Bella returned it with all the emotion she had inside until she started feeling overwhelmed again. And almost like he could read her, he pulled back and said, "It's worth it."

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Edward was in awe of the woman in front him for what felt like the millionth time. She was so strong, so honest, so fucking amazing. And he didn't deserve her.

But that wasn't going to stop him.

"You're sure?" she asked. "Because this – who I am – it's not going to change. And I need to be certain that you understand the reality of this before we go any further."

"Do I seem like I'm not sure?" he asked.

"No," she said, a small giggle escaping her lips.

And this time, her laugh didn't make him crazy. Well, it did, but the kind of crazy that made him want to kiss her again as she laughed.

"I owe you an apology," he told her honestly. "For coming up here and barging in like…well, like an idiot. I just, I was so worried about you when you didn't leave for work. And I…"

"Jumped to the wrong conclusion?"

She was being so natural and unguarded with him, and Edward hoped she could always be just like this. Even though he understood that probably wouldn't always be the case.

"I don't know if I'd call it the wrong conclusion," he said, smiling. "Something was wrong. It just…what did you say? Wasn't about me?"

She sat up on the couch and scooted over, making room for him. He happily sat by her side.

"About that," she said, an edge of seriousness to her voice. "There are going to be times when I need space, and I need you to understand that. Whenever this happens, the best thing for me is having a quiet place to calm my mind. Remember when I told you that my personal space needs personal space?"

He nodded, recalling exactly when she'd said those words to him.

"I wasn't kidding," she said. "And when I told you I needed you to go a few minutes ago, I wasn't kidding then either. It was hard enough trying to calm down without you standing here in my living room. I can tell you have a tendency to be…protective. And while I appreciate that more than you know, there will be times when I need you to…"

"Tone it down?" he asked.

"Take a step back," she gently corrected.

"I–I can't promise I'll always be able to do that," he said, carefully. He didn't want to lie to her, but he didn't want to dismiss what she was clearly saying she needed. And Edward was self-aware enough to know he'd struggle to stay away if he felt like she was suffering. "You're right when you said I'm protective. I am protective. It's just who I am. My dad was like that, too. I guess that's where I get it. But I can promise that I'll try to back off when you need it."

"Even if I need it a lot?"

Her shy smile pierced his heart, and suddenly he felt as light as he had earlier in the morning. From what he could tell, she was really sitting there, telling him that she was willing to try this – whatever this was going to become – with him.

"Try not to need it a lot," he said, mostly joking. "You uh…you seem to be doing better now. I mean, are you okay, Bella?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "I am now."

He grinned. "Are you saying that maybe my being here helped?"

She laughed again. He'd never get used to the way something so small made him feel, and he silently promised to try to make her laugh more often.

"Maybe you," she said, as he took her hand in his. "But also maybe the Ativan I took a half hour before you got here."

"I don't care," he told her, bringing her hand up to his lips and placing several soft kisses against her skin. "I'm just so fucking glad you're okay."

"I am," she murmured. "I promise."

Edward couldn't help himself as he kissed her again, pulling her fully against him. And as he held her in his arms, he realized that everything in his life felt right. Bella was so perfect for him, and he hoped like hell that she thought he was perfect for her, too.

He'd never felt this before, and while it was scary as all fuck, he completely understood what she'd meant before.

She was worth it.

She was worth all of it.

"Promise me something else," he said against her lips. "Promise me that we're really gonna do this together. Because I can deal with anything if it means I get to have you. Even if it means giving you space, or whatever else you might need. Because I fucking need you, Bella. And I know it's too early for me to say this shit, but it's the fucking truth. And I need to know when I walk back downstairs, that I have you to come back to when I'm done."

He pulled back so he could look into her eyes, and see the truth in whatever she was about to tell him.

"Okay, Edward. I promise."

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A/N

Thank you for reading this story. Seriously, you'll never know how much it astounds me when you do. And although this is the (happy) end, I may post an epilogue in the near future.

It was a joy to write this. It reminded me how much I love writing in the first place, and how I need a creative outlet in my life that tends to be overwhelmed with work and tedious responsibilities.

All my love to Marvar, who has been my friend for a decade now. I couldn't do this without you.

And love and thanks to Raina for her input and advice on Bella's condition.

Smooches to my prereaders, Jaime, Funmbie and Courtney. I adore you all.

Reviews are love.