Alright, everybody. This sucker has been a project of mine that has lasted probably around two or three months and has been subjected to a lot of daydreaming, procrastination, and one re-write for a particular section. I've poured my blood, sweat, and tears into this and it is my baby.

Also: this story was highly inspired by "Research and Smoothies" by TimelessTears, and "Dietary Supplement" by Dragon Courage. Both of those stories are absolutely fabulous, and I completely recommend reading them.

Anyway. Angst ahoy. Setting sails for Snuggle Island.

He wasn't human anymore.

He could feel it, not just see it but feel it. The veins pulsing around his eye, stomach twisting in knots and turning itself over and over; doing backflips; phantom pain, he could still feel her teeth sinking into his shoulder, could still feel his skin ripping and tearing, could still hear his own screams ringing in his ears along with her laughter-

He'd tried everything, every single thing in the cabinets and the fridge, even the bag of stuff from Hide, and he couldn't eat any of it. He couldn't even force it down his throat, it rebelled against him, Lord he just wanted to be able to eat and be able to tell himself that's he's still human, that it's just his imagination, that he doesn't have to be one of them.

Black sclera, red iris… It stared at him through the mirror, taunting him. He couldn't get rid of it, he wanted to but he couldn't, and he could still feel her hands… she would forever haunt him, he didn't want to admit it but he knew she would. She'd always be there, pushing him to the edge, telling him to embrace it…

If he could just get rid of it, he'd be fine, completely fine, no more ghoul eye. Completely fine.

But it wasn't that easy, was it? He'd tried, oh yes, he'd definitely tried. But the blade, oh that cursed blade fell clean off, and his stomach wasn't even bruised. Part of him wanted to keep going, to try everything until he found something that would work, that maybe, just maybe he could fix the wrong that had been done to him one way or another. They'd either give him new organs or he'd die, it didn't matter which to him. No… scratch that. He didn't want to die. If he did, she would be waiting for him. So they'd have to give him new organs. Yes, that'd be okay. As long as he went back to normal.

But was that even possible now? Was it? Could he ever be human again? The idea seemed so far away.

Maybe… maybe he'd just let the monster inside take over, then he could rest instead. He wouldn't have to worry then, he could just forget about everything, let the monster do as it pleased. It wouldn't matter to him after all, as this side of him would probably be dead, in a sense. If the monster took over, then he probably wouldn't come back. But maybe that was alright. He wouldn't have to worry then about hurting someone accidentally…

Succumb to the monster. It sounded so appealing. Such a simple solution. Let his real self go dormant, never to be seen again. Let the raging hunger burning within him take hold. If he died somewhere down the line after that, then he died. It wouldn't make any difference. The old him would have already been long gone.

Yes. Succumb… all he needed to do was to let go….

His shaking hands curled into fists, braced against his dresser. He found himself staring at his reflection, no, not at himself but at that eye in the mirror. He swallowed past the lump in his throat, took a deep breath. Steeled himself. Focused on the hunger.

And then there she was. Looming behind him, hands hovering over his shoulders, a sickly sweet smile on her lips. A hand rose up and slender, smooth fingertips traced along his jawline. He shivered, shying away slightly from the touch, taking a step back. It felt so wrong, and yet he also felt… longing? He didn't understand it...

Her sadistic smile only grew, as if she could feel what he was feeling, and she drifted away, eyes ever lingering on him. She reached out her hand, straight to him, her lips whispering. She was holding out a line, a string. Take it and he would be free. The monster would be in control, but he'd be free. No more worry, no more stress. Just bliss.

But he found himself doubting. Was this really the best choice?

...Yes. Yes, it was.

That's what his heart said and it's what she whispered to him.

Said heart was thumping, pounding so hard, his legs felt like stone and his head was light. His hand reached out slowly, searching for hers, for the line, fingers and palm outstretched, he was ready, he was willing to succumb…

And it shattered, the line, her, and the lightness, the willingness in his mind, at the sound of his phone ringing.

His breath stilled, his eyes widened. His heart beat louder and his hand dropped back to his side.

The phone rang again, a deep thrum, and loud, even from another room.

His legs were moving, then, he was scrambling and almost tripped into the living room. His head whipped around and his eyes locked on his phone, vibrating on the coffee table.

Then he was not in the doorway but there in the living room, grabbing his phone with shaking hands. Adrenaline coursed through him and if he was honest, he didn't know what was making him so jumpy, or so frantic. Was it because he had been interrupted? He had been so close, the line was just in reach… just a second longer and he would've been free from it all. Or was it because… maybe he didn't really want to succumb? Because it saved him from letting the monster out?

The phone thrummed again, making him start. His eyes darted to the caller id.

Hide.

His mind came to a grinding halt- all thoughts froze, his blood ran cold and part of him couldn't understand why he was suddenly so terrified of his best friend's name.

Hide, Hide, Hide… no, what did he do, what did he do?

Hide couldn't know, couldn't find out. He couldn't let him see the monster, couldn't let him see her. He couldn't let Hide see her.

But it was clawing at him, the loneliness. It was the part of him that screamed at him to hit accept on the call, the part of him that yearned for comfort, yearned for love, yearned for family. The part of him that didn't care if Hide saw him like this or not didn't care if Hide knew, only wanted to be able to lean on someone, wanted someone to chase her away for good.

The phone rang again and his emotions battled as it did. He couldn't let Hide know, yet he wanted him to. He wanted to keep Hide away, to protect him, yet he also wanted someone to hold him close, to comfort him. Part of him said deny, and part of him said accept.

His phone rang again.

His eyes stared at the screen. Deny or accept, leave it or take it.

His thumb hovered over 'deny'.

It rang once again, a whisper inside him warning him that this was his last chance. His last chance to do something. If he let this go he'd never be able to work up the courage to call Hide himself.

.

.

.

.

He pressed accept.

Jerkily, his hand trembling, he raised the phone to his ear. Joy, terror, and relief all slammed into him when Hide's bubbly voice filtered into his ear.

"Hey, Kaneki! Oh, thank goodness. I was getting worried there, buddy. You had me scared for a little while, not replying to my texts or anything. You doing okay, man? Did your phone die on you?"

His mouth opened and closed but no words came out. His mind was suddenly moving extremely sluggishly; he was still trying to process what Hide had said. Regret and unknown guilt were quick to set in. Why had he hit accept? He couldn't drag Hide into this, Hide didn't deserve that. What sort of friend was he? He should just hang up… keep Hide out of it. He'd be fine on his own… besides, what kind of person- friend- brother- would he be if he let Hide get tangled up in his problem?

"Kaneki? Kaneki, buddy, you there? 'Neki?" His voice was beginning to sound panicked. The realization hit hard. Kaneki winced and mentally berated himself- he's worrying Hide, worrying brother, and he hates doing that.

A sob was working itself up his throat, and he couldn't control it. His vision blurred and then tears were streaming down his cheeks, he let out the pained sob and he curled in on himself, his grip on his phone tightening drastically.

He could practically, if not actually hear Hide's breath catch across the line.

"Kaneki!? Lord, Kaneki, please don't cry, please don't cry, buddy… it's going to be okay man, it's going to be okay…"

A second sob tore itself out of his throat. His chest constricted painfully and more tears slid down his face.

"H-Hide-" he managed to choke out, "Please- g-get over here. Right now, if you can. Please..."

Another sob, more tears.

"I'll be there in five minutes. Don't worry, Kaneki."

He nodded, knowing that Hide couldn't see him, and listened as a click emitted from the other end as Hide ended the call.

He stood there for a second, body trembling and breathing labored. He slowly lowered the phone from his ear, staring at it.

Hide was coming.

...What had he just done?

As soon as the line went dead, Hide made a mad dash outside, barely standing still long enough to lock the door behind him before he was sprinting down the apartment complex staircase.

He didn't stop the entire time- not once did he pause to catch his breath or to avoid something. All the way he swerved past people and dashed through the midnight traffic. He almost got hit, and the people in the cars yelled at him, but Hide didn't even hear them. He kept running, didn't even falter but kept running, because over the phone Kaneki had been sobbing, full on sobbing, and if that didn't make Hide's heart leap into his throat then he didn't know what did.

Because that was the key thing- Kaneki didn't like crying in front of people or even letting them hear him cry, as in over the phone. He was a shy person, so it stood to reason that he'd be like that.

On only a few occasions could Hide remember Kaneki ever crying, most of them being from when they were in elementary school and some of middle school, when he was still trying to move past his mother's death. There were one or two times in late middle school and here and there in high school as well, when living with his aunt began to get unbearable. But that was it. Those select moments.

So when Kaneki had completely lost it on the other end, Hide knew something life shattering (maybe it had something to do with that disaster of a date?) had happened.

And now there he was, standing, breathlessly, at the door to Kaneki's apartment. He was panting heavily and sweating some, but he had stayed true to his word and made it there in five minutes flat.

Reaching inside his pant pocket, Hide grabbed his spare key. After a rather serious injury and a couple of arguments, Kaneki had caved and had allowed his best friend get them keys to each others' apartments.

Hide jammed the key inside the lock and twisted, heard the click of the doorknob, removed the key, stuffed it back inside his pocket, and practically broke the door down. He strode inside quickly, slamming the door shut behind him absentmindedly. He didn't even bother to take off his shoes; he just sprinted to the living room.

The room was dark, with the shades drawn and all the lamps off, the only source of light being the muted tv that was playing a news program.

Kaneki himself was sitting on the couch, head hanging low and face buried in his hands, elbows resting on his knees. Muffled, heaving sobs could be heard. His shoulders were trembling violently.

And Hide's heart froze as he stood rooted to the spot, because that was not okay, not okay, brother was crying still and Hide didn't like it when Kaneki cried, not one bit. If Kaneki was upset then that made him upset, because Kaneki had experienced enough hardship in his life already and didn't need any more. Not at all.

Hide's voice caught on the lump forming in his throat when he tried to speak. He swallowed thickly and tried a second time, pitch a bit higher than normal and overall sounding more scared than he would've preferred. (But the fact was that he was scared.)

"...Kaneki...?"

He was stupid, so stupid, so, so stupid…

What had he been thinking? He asked Hide to come, he asked him, he was so stupid… he didn't want to eat Hide. He didn't want to eat his best friend, he didn't want to eat his brother. He had to protect Hide, keep him away for his own safety… it would be better that way. If Hide didn't know, if Hide didn't get close to him then maybe he wouldn't lose control and try to devour him…

Oh, but the hunger... it was a hurricane inside him, slashing at his stomach, demanding to be fed. It was screaming at him, tearing at him, consuming him… if he let Hide near than it would surely consume him, too… no, he couldn't harm Hide… he had to keep the hunger under control. Had to keep a lid on it.

But she was there. He could feel her hands running down the back of his spine, wordless whispers drifting into his ear, soft locks of her long hair tickling his cheek. Could practically see her poisonous eyes, sharp as daggers, staring down at him, trying to decide which part of him to take a bite out of first. Could feel her pulsing tentacles waiting, hovering near his shoulders, energy and power flowing through each one in a dance that could so easily cause chaos.

He felt so cold. Her hands were made of ice, spreading a coat of frost over him wherever she touched him. It knitted itself into his body, sinking down, down, down, all the way to his bones. The tears that trailed down his face bit viciously at his tender skin, making it sting and feel as if blood was dripping down his cheeks and not tears.

His body was shaking, feeling such a horrible burden- a curse, more like, riding on his back.

One-eyed, one-eyed, one-eyed… ghoul. Monster. Freak. Inhuman.

He was drowning, invisible chains pulling him down into the depths of insanity. Binding him, condemning him to his twisted fate of living out the rest of his life as one of them, those wretched creatures.

She was holding out the line again, offering it to him. Giving him the chance to live with the chains, but not be dragged down by their weight. So easy, so simple, just take her hand… Take her hand and the hunger will be satisfied, no more burning pain of starvation clawing at him. Just do it, do it, do it-

.

.

.

.

"...Kaneki...?"

.

.

.

.

His heart seemed to stop, his breathing seemed to stop, everything seemed to stop. Her, him; every. Single. Thing.

Everything froze and Kaneki was afraid, so terribly afraid for himself and for the person who had called his name.

And then as suddenly as everything had stopped, it all went back into motion again- he sucked in breath after breath greedily, his chest rattled and he felt vaguely dizzy. His body shook and a shiver ran down his spine.

Teary, mismatched eyes slowly, ever so agonizingly slowly rose to meet soft, brown ones- fear, horror, and depression meeting the startled concern, love, and worry in the caramel irises across the room.

Kaneki was scared, so scared- He wanted to bury his face in his arms and just keep crying so badly, he wanted to run away, far, far away and never come back. He wanted to leave, wanted to distance himself because he couldn't bear to have to see the disgust, the rejection that he was sure would blossom in Hide's eyes.

Yet he sat there; stared. And waited. Waited for the last person in the entire world who cared about him to abandon him as the rest of the universe had. Waited for Hide to yell, waited for Hide to scream or stomp his feet and insult him- waited for Hide to do something.

And Hide did do something- the blond took a slow, hesitant step forward, his hand outstretched toward him. Kaneki instinctively flinched and shut his eyes- his arms shot up and crossed over each other in an 'x' in front of his face, a fearful attempt to protect himself. Whether he was trying to shield himself from the physical blow he thought was coming, or from the onslaught of emotions slamming into him- Why doesn't he seem mad? Why doesn't he seem scared? Why hasn't he said anything yet? Why isn't he rejecting me!?- even he wasn't sure.

His breathing was coming in erratic gasps and tears were still trickling down his cheeks, he was so purely and utterly terrified and wished Hide would just get it over with already. Shriek at him, hit him, ask him if he really was a monster all along. Ask him if they really had ever been friends at all, ask him why he shouldn't just leave, or report him to the CCG right then and there.

The quiet was so deafening. The anticipation was so thick you could cut it with a knife, and Kaneki wondered dimly what was taking so long. Was Hide so disgusted that he couldn't even bring himself to strike the monster in front of him? If that was the case, he really couldn't blame him.

His trembling arms lowered hesitantly. Kaneki forced himself to open his eyes and look at his best friend; tried to prepare himself for the hatred he knew he'd see in the other teen's eyes.

Instead...

Hide was standing there, a mere few feet from the couch and Kaneki, his previously outstretched hand hanging limply at his side. One silent tear slid down his face.

.

.

.

.

Sunshine Hide, bright-ray-of-light Hide, always-happy-and-cheerful Hide, then dropped to his knees, and stared at him, with concern and worry as deep as the ocean written in his features as more tears rapidly began to tumble down his cheeks. A small, choked whimper pushed past the blonde, and he whispered-

"What happened?"

.

.

.

.

Kaneki, in fact, was at a loss. His eyes widened; his mouth opened and closed; he couldn't seem to find anything, not a single thing to say. He was reeling- Hide's not angry, why isn't he angry? This isn't right, he should hate me right now, he should be scared, terrified of me, he shouldn't be sad right now, he shouldn't be crying. He doesn't look like himself when he's crying.

His eyes were locked with Hide's- they both implored each other.

Why aren't you mad?

What happened to you?

Kaneki wished he could say something. He wanted to fill the silence, wanted to try and defend himself- maybe he could explain to Hide, explain to the disbelief and shock and confusion and concern on Hide's face. Maybe... he could still keep their friendship?

At that certain moment, though, Kaneki never got the chance to say something. Because in an instant, with no beforehand warning- Hide had gotten up and had wrapped his arms tightly around the other teen, locking Kaneki in a warm embrace.

And that was the last straw for Kaneki's mind- his thoughts had already been in turmoil, not to mention he couldn't comprehend the fact that Hide didn't seem frustrated in the slightest. That alone was sending him into a mental fit. So then the fragile, thin thing that had been Kaneki's control of his emotions- it snapped.

Kaneki had initially thought that he was about out of tears- he had cried himself out pretty well throughout the past hour or so. But apparently not. Tears anew came rushing forward all at once, and it must have been that his tears from before had only been a small leak in the reservoir, because now the dam fully collapsed.

Kaneki sobbed- there is no other word for it. He sobbed so loud- ragged and scared and tired. So very, very tired. He felt himself slide off the couch, and the two of them together went to their knees on the floor.

Hide was warm. He was warm and safe and familiar, and that was really all Kaneki needed. His best friend was holding him; Hide was protecting him, (from what, though? Himself? He wasn't sure.) and Kaneki just let himself cry; he pushed down the residual shock and confusion and fear whirling about in his head, buried his face in the blond's shoulder and allowed Hide to be his support.

And it was all quiet, save for the half ghoul's sobs and the occasional sniff from the blond.

Kaneki never really knew how long they sat there. Whether it was only a few minutes or a couple hours, it was a mystery to him. What he did know, however, is that after what felt like a lifetime, his crying had gradually quieted and his tears had begun to dry. One of Hide's hands rubbed circles on his back, while the other gently combed through his messy hair. Neither of them had made attempts to move or get up, and Kaneki didn't intend to.

Part of him, eternally, was still in shock. Hide was sitting there with a ghoul, a monster that ate humans, and yet he seemed so calm. He was embracing a ghoul. He was comforting a ghoul. How could Hide not hate him? How could Hide not be angry? How could Hide not feel betrayed, or offended? Scared? He didn't know the answers to any of those questions, but he wished he did. He really, really did.

Kaneki let out a shaky sigh and swallowed roughly. He didn't know what to do.

The part of him that was still so confused, the part of him that couldn't believe what was happening- the paranoid side of him- it urged him to stay where he was, to not move in fear that if he did it might trigger Hide in some way, and then the tranquility would be gone. Everything would fall to pieces and the peace and warmth Kaneki was currently feeling would quickly melt into a distant memory. It told him to stay quiet, not say anything or do anything until he could deem the situation safe.

But the lighter side of him, the side of him that trusted Hide with every single fiber of his soul- It said that Hide was trustworthy, Hide was loyal and Hide cared. It said that his best friend wasn't going to leave, he wasn't going to let go of him. If anything, Hide would hold on to him more tightly. It said to open up, to talk, tell Hide what was going on in his head so he could help Kaneki get better. Maybe he'd even be able to drive her off. That was what he wanted, right?

He really wasn't sure what to do, which voice to listen to and which to ignore, which to trust and which not to. It was starting to make his head throb.

Kaneki's grip on Hide tightened a little- he really did hope that he wasn't mad at him. He didn't think he was ready for his brother to let go of him just yet...

Hide didn't seem to be deterred. His fingers still carded through Kaneki's hair and the slow, calming circles he had been rubbing on the other teen's back had yet to cease. The blond's breathing was even and neutral now. It seemed obvious that he had recovered much more quickly than Kaneki.

As a few seconds ticked by, Kaneki tried to relax, letting himself slump against Hide, to a degree. (The paranoid side of him was beginning to get touchy about any movement he made now.) He started to consider letting his eyes close- He was really tired, actually- man, when was the last time he'd gotten a full night's rest? He couldn't remember- but Hide's quiet voice stopped him.

"You starting to feel better, 'neki?"

He stiffened. He didn't really know how to reply- because partly he was feeling better, Hide was there and that was enough to calm him down, but he also wasn't, because how could he be? He was a ghoul, a monster, he shouldn't be alive…

The circles and the soothing hand in his hair both stopped. Hide let go of Kaneki and Kaneki almost, almost panicked- No, please don't let go of me, please don't let go of me yet, I'm still broken, I can't hold myself together alone, don't let go don't let go don't let go please don't let go-

Hide pushed Kaneki back gently, holding him at arm's length, grasping his shoulders firmly. His face was soft, concerned, and his eyes were tender- warm, like a fire.

And this both greatly assured and baffled Kaneki, because on the one hand, Hide still wasn't raising his voice, he still wasn't mad, and he didn't seem to care at all about the fact that Kaneki could potentially eat him at any moment. Maybe he really would stay? Maybe he wouldn't leave, but he'd stay and help him. Hide would stay apart of his life, still be his brother, and then Kaneki could still find ways to be happy. He'd still have his best friend, and maybe he could even find a way to keep on living, despite being a ghoul...

But then, on the other hand- he was still so utterly confused. The most logical reaction to Kaneki being a ghoul would be fear, most likely anger and disgust, and the assumption that he had been one all along and had hidden it. So how could Hide be so… normal, almost? How could he still be concerned about his welfare? It didn't make any sense, he shouldn't still be able to worry, shouldn't be able to care about him… he ate humans now, Hide should've rejected him the moment he stepped inside the living room. That's what anyone else would've done. So why not Hide?

(In the end, he had always known the answer. Because it was Hide, the blond would've never reacted any other way. His heart wouldn't have allowed it.)

Said blond offered a small smile- it was a weak attempt, Kaneki could tell, but it was a smile either way and that just further baffled him. (and on the other side, reassured him. It was feeding both flames.)

The smile dropped after a few beats of silence, and Hide said solemnly-

"I'm glad you picked up the phone."

Kaneki's mouth opened, and he wanted to say something- he wanted to talk to Hide, he wanted to be able to explain and make everything better- but his voice just did not want to cooperate. He shut his mouth and lowered his head, his eyes darting away from Hide's, glancing down to the floor. He absently wondered if they were still mismatched, or if his left eye had finally gone back to normal…

A gentle hand cupped his chin and tilted it up. Kaneki's eyes gradually drifted back to his best friend's, feeling uncertain. The situation was so tricky… what could he possibly say, anyway?

Hide's hand let go of his chin and dropped back to his shoulder, squeezing reassuringly. He smiled sadly at Kaneki.

"It's okay, buddy. I'm not upset," he said.

Kaneki stared at him, full on stared at him, because it didn't make sense, none of it made sense, he knew it should, but it just didn't. Hide, by all rights, should be upset. He should be so upset, he should be scared and mad and yelling and screaming and he should hate him because he's a ghoul and ghouls are evil and they eat people and how can he not be upset?

(In the future, Kaneki would find it morbidly odd how he was so fixated on Hide hating him in those moments, as if he needed his best friend to be mad.)

"...W-why?" his hands rose and gripped at his hair as he stared at Hide. He looked down at his lap as the words finally began to tumble out.

"W-why? Why? Why are you not upset? Hide, I-I'm- I'm a ghoul. I eat humans, I could eat you. I'm dangerous, y-you shouldn't be this close to me... I could hurt you, Hide, I don't want to hurt you-"

Hide's hands let go of Kaneki's shoulders and rested on top of the other teen's clenched fists, carefully prying them away from his hair and lowering them back to Kaneki's lap.

"You'd never hurt me, Kaneki."

Kaneki's eyes darted up to Hide's once again, and for the first time that night, he felt irritated.

"H-how would you know!? I-I'm a ghoul, things are different… they're so d-different now… but I don't want this, I never wanted this- I don't- I don't want to be a ghoul, Hide, I don't want to be a ghoul, I don't want to be a ghoul, I've never wanted to be a ghoul..."

Warm arms again, suddenly, engulf him, and this time, Kaneki practically melted against Hide. His breath hitched and he hiccuped as Hide rocked them back and forth. He grasped feebly at the other teen's shirt, exhaling heavily.

The blond spoke in a delicate, kind whisper, so starkly different from her whisper, but it's a good, very good difference to Kaneki, and it sounds like honey.

"It's okay, 'neki. I know. I know. I'm right here, it's okay, you're okay."

Hide's voice was so reassuring; Kaneki couldn't help but cling to his words. Letting out another heavy sigh, he scooted closer to his best friend, who in turn tucked Kaneki's head against his chest and began to slowly rub his back once more.

"Don't leave," Kaneki murmured, relishing the bliss that had washed over him.

(Hide's not angry and Hide's not scared, and now finally, finally, that seems to be okay. He thought he'd feel peace if he let go and allowed the beast to control him, but now he realizes that he was wrong. Peace isn't there, it's with Hide, with his family.)

"I'm not going anywhere." are probably the best words Kaneki's ever heard in his entire life, and he eventually lets his eyes flutter shut and his mind ease to the feeling of soothing rocking, and Hide's caring arms around him.

He may not be human anymore, but at least he's not alone.

Peiskos: peis-kos (n.) The feeling one gets when sitting in front of a crackling fireplace, enjoying its warmth.

So, yup. Really, you all have no idea how satisfying this last small section of comfort/snuggles/cuddling was to write. Literally. I could see it crystal clear in my head as I wrote it and it was the best. Thing. Ever. (But I also feel that it might be a little rushed there at the end? I don't know?)

But anyways, I hope you all enjoyed! And remember, reviews are candy for an author who has a major sweet tooth :3

Thanks for reading!