A/N

This is something I started a couple of years ago actually, and just never posted on this website for some reason. I added two chapters to this recently so I figured, what the hey, and decided to post it here.

I've also recently realised that KHR is the fandom I get into when I'm procrastinating on work I should really be doing, and also feeling particularly depressed about things... Right now I'm procrastinating on writing "Prelude to Inheritance" with another KHR fic. This one, specifically. Isn't that kind of funny?

.:Chapter One: Of Snow and Flames:.

"I shall die here. Every last inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch; it is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us." – Valerie, V for Vendetta.

Recently this particular quote has been turning around and around in the head of one Vanessa Smith (AKA Nessa). You see, she is dying. She's been dying for a very long time now, yet no one seems to notice.

Her death is not a normal death, like that seen in the movies. There is no melancholic piano in the background. No one is crying. No one is screaming her name in heart-wrenching agony. Family, friends, lovers, there are none who would weep for her. The thing is… Nessa is dying a death that's not even acknowledged.

It's like a slow disease; it takes over your mind piece by piece, until your life becomes nothing more than a dull, consistent routine. You cannot even think anymore, because what is there to think about? It's always the same… always the white walls, white bed, white clothes, pale faces of the patients, the white uniforms of the nurses, the white hair on the doctor's head… A white world, void of all feeling…

When you're an insane criminal, your life is worth nothing more than a few measly words inscribed on a piece of paper… Yet they just don't understand that she is not a criminal! She's isn't insane either; she just likes fire.

Is that really so wrong? Apparently so, according to the doctors and specialists... Damn them and their fucking opinions…

Now, in this white hell she's now trapped in, she's dying and trying so hard not to think anymore. Yet she still remembers… She remembers those flames; those beautiful, beautiful flames that swallowed up her house along with her father! (Alcoholism is a terrible habit, especially if your daughter happens to be a pyromaniac and despises every fibre of your being...)

But lately, she remembers Valerie… and she remembers the inch of herself she must never give up no matter what.

V for Vendetta had always been one of Nessa's favourite movies. But it was Valerie's Letter that left the biggest impact on her. Truthfully she never really understood the meaning of her words. Yet somehow, in some way, she felt these words held great meaning for her now. And even though she doesn't really know what that last inch is, she vowed never to let it go.

And so she tries to hold on a little longer. But she's been dying for such a long time now, and it's just so hard to try…

Time is a funny thing. It seems to move slowly when you want it to speed up, but it seems to go too fast when you want it to slow down. Yet in reality it is always consistent…

For Nessa, however, time holds no meaning. It's not day, month, year, birthday, Halloween, Christmas… it's fast forward, fast forward, fast fucking forward. Always going to be the white white white, the nurse's needles, if not the needles then the drugs, the silence, the bland food, the patient's blank faces, and doctors with their goddamn pity.

It never ends. Always the same thing over and over and over… Her mind is breaking. Piece by piece, it fades away into the white nothingness. Day by day, she feels herself slip further away. Inch by Inch, her hope dies.

But she can't let that last inch go… can't let it get taken away…

Especially now when she feels she almost understands it. It is only a few hours each day that she can spend alone in the library, but it is the only time she can escape her prison, the only place she can feel human again. Yet all she does is sit by herself in the corner and read manga (which would once have been considered beneath her intellectual standards).

Nessa would get lost for hours on end in these fantastical illogical worlds. It gives her a moment to dream of something better.

But then the moment ends and she has to wake up. Back to the white walls, pale faces, tasteless food, drugs and needles, blank faced nurses, useless doctors, the whitewhitewhitewhite… And it's fast forward, fast forward, fast forward again…

….

The door was open.

A blizzard rages outside, it blocks all the roads, forces all nurses to linger near the heaters, keeps the patients in their rooms, the doctors in their offices, and the windows to be blocked and shuttered down. But the back door to the garden was open… and no one was around.

Vanessa stood clinging to the doorframe (no one realises she's left the library). It was snowing. The world has become white. So white, so blindingly white that Nessa cannot bear to look. She turns her nose up to the sky and keeps her eyes trained on the dark grey clouds. She shivers; it feels so cold. It feels good to feel again…

Slowly, carefully, she lowers her gaze back down to the snowy landscape. It's a bit bearable now. Her hands cautiously leave the doorframe. She lets go. She steps out from her prison, and lets go of everything holding her back.

Step by step, she ventures out into the white world (which isn't that different from the sterile walls of the Asylum, if not for the feeling of free will).

The wind tosses her around as she walks, pushing and pulling her every which way. But still she keeps on going. Inch by inch, she moves further and further away from the white walls, the nurses, the needles, and the useless doctors. She looks down at her white gown and pasty skin and thinks about how it blends in with the pure white snow around her.

She wonders if anyone can see a young girl, who is not as much dying as already dead, wandering through the blizzard. She thinks not. If she doesn't make it through the blizzard, then she will die. The thought doesn't bother her at all.

She grows tired. She decides to rest for a while and scurries under a nearby tree.

Time passes; fast forward, fast forward, hurry up, fast forward. She wonders how long it's been. Hours perhaps; it's gotten quite dark now… It's cold. So cold. Nessa is freezing. She's freezing and she's dying. Only this time it's literally…

She's dying because she ventured from her hell. But she feels that, maybe, she managed to hold onto it; her very last inch, her free will. Her vision is turning black at the edges, and it's funny but she feels sort of safe, sort of relieved, and sort of sad.

And so Vanessa Smith falls asleep watching the world freeze along with her, never wake again. She was sixteen years old. But she died long ago so it doesn't matter anymore...

...

*Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—*

Vanessa didn't really know what to expect when she died. Maybe there really would be a God-like being to greet her on the other side. Part of her thought there'd be a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end, to which she would be greeted with fluffy white clouds, naked winged babies dancing and singing around her.

And as ridiculous as that thought was, this right here was by far the funniest shit ever… God or whoever must be laughing his holy ass off right now.

Here she was, staring up at a freaking white ceiling of all things, with this terrible buzzing noise in her head. She wants to scream in frustration, but she can't move; she's not even able to clench the sterile white sheets beneath her hands. Of course she can't, she's dead. Again…

Rather, she's a living soul inside a dead body; a body that probably isn't her own. Fuck. Does this make her a zombie now?

*—Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—*

Goddammit, that noise was fucking annoying. Someone shut off that damn thing off already!

Aside from that irritating background noise, she could also hear a female voice crying and wailing curses (and a few death threats) at some unfortunate man. The woman was most likely trying to strangle the man in the process.

"Sawada-san, he's gone. There's nothing more we can do."

"No, no, no, no, NO! My son isn't gone! He can't die! He can't… He… he's all I have!"

"Ma-am please, I'll have to get the police to detain you if—"

"Shut up! Why aren't you saving him? HURRY UP AND SAVE MY SON!"

"Officer—"

"I can't lose him! I can't! Not now… not after—"

"Sawada-san, I'm afraid you'll have to come with me now."

"This doctor is full of shit! Go die you bastard—"

"Sawada-san! You're still a suspect! Now come with me."

"NO! I can't leave my baby! Let me see him, let me see my son!"

*—Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—*

Nessa could still hear them struggling down the corridor, the woman crying hysterically all the while. A small part of her felt pity for the woman, but she was pretty heartless and honestly couldn't care less about other people's problems. So mostly, she was glad the disturbance finally left.

Now if only that irritating noise would just stop.

Damn it all, just let her sleep already… She was so tired, so very tired. Would it be so bad to just fade away into the blackness?

It wasn't fair. She'd already died once, why should she have to go through this shit again? She honestly didn't think she deserved kind of bullshit, thank you very much.

*—Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.*

It's funny… After everything that's happened, Vanessa found herself regretting. She regretted burning down her house. She regretted letting herself get imprisoned in the Asylum. She regretted never truly figuring out what her last inch was.

But the thing she regretted most of all was dying.

No. I don't want this.

*Beeeeeeeeeep. Beep. Beep.*

"D-doctor come quickly!"

"What the—! How can this be?"

Fuck this bullshit. I'm not going to die!

"Impossible! It's simply impossible!"

"Begin operating! Now!"

*Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.*

Ah, I want to see it again…

"Holy—"

*Beep. Beeeeeep.*

Those beautiful…

"Doctor?"

"I-I just thought… no, it's nothing."

…Flames.

*Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep…*

I have eight chapters done, but I think I'll wait a few days before posting all of them, just to keep ya'll in suspense. After that, I dunno when updates will happen, but be prepared for them to slow down considerably (unless I randomly get motivated). Please leave a review on your way out!

Love, NyanNyan-suru