Disclaimer: Any characters or concepts you recognize belong to Kishimoto, not me.

A/N: Listen, I swear I'm still working on 'ain't no rest' but these characters and this idea have literally been haunting my dreams. I had no choice; Kazuki was holding me hostage.

ANyway. As with most of my ideas, this was a joke that I ended up taking way too seriously. So don't expect a thought-out plot, but do expect my signature brand of ironic humor and idiot protagonists who refuse to step outside of their denial bubble.

As soon as I step out of the Academy classroom, Ume steps close and grabs my shoulders. Kazuki hovers just beside her.

"You passed, right?" Ume asks, eyes deadly serious.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. A moment passes, then another.

I still don't say a word.

"Oh shit," Kazu mutters, interpreting my silence as failure. "Shit, shit, shit - what are we going to do?"

Ume closes her eyes and curls her hands into fists. "Okay," she mutters. "Okay, this. This isn't ideal, but it's fine. We'll just delay for a year."

"Fine?!" Kazu hisses. "You can't just 'delay' being a ninja! Nori's gonna be on a team by herself, this isn't fine -"

"I passed," I say, cutting him off before he can continue his rant. I hold up the forehead protector that I've been given as proof.

"Oh, thank god."

Ume snatches it out of my hand and inspects it.

"You asshole," she says, as she hands it back to me, scowling. "You could've started off with that."

"Oh, lighten up," I roll my eyes. "I'm kind of offended, honestly - did you seriously believe that I failed?"

"Shut up, Nori."

I laugh and brush by them, stepping out into the hallway and heading for the exit. Kazu and Ume fall into step beside me, relieved that I passed, but still tense.

We can't quite relax just yet.

"Do you think we did it?" Kazu asks. "I mean. Top shinobi, top kunoichi, and the dead last. That's our ranking, right? They have to put us together."

I nod. "I nicked a class ranking list yesterday just to be sure," I confirm. "As far as I know, that's us."

"It kinda depends," Ume says. "I mean. Who knows how reliable that concept is…"

I grit my teeth. "That's all we have to go off of."

"If you think about it, it's a dumb idea," Kazu mutters. "What kind of idiot rule is that? Assigning a dead last student to the top two kind of fucks up the team dynamic, doesn't it? It probably isn't even true -"

"Kazu, shut up," I snap.

We've worked too hard these past two years. We've slaved away at the training grounds up until dark, keeping Ume and Kazu up top. Making sure Kazu was good enough to beat Hyuuga Neji. Learning to cheat in a classroom supervised by ninja, keeping their scores up and making sure mine was always below everyone else's. Copying answers that are reasonably wrong.

If we don't get assigned to the same team because the fucking Naruto manga was lying to us, I will blow something up.

Half-frustrated, I kick open the door to the Academy for what will hopefully be the last time. The Konoha sun shines down, and I blink as my eyes adjust to the light.

"Damn it, Nori," Ume says. "Just once, can't you open a door like a normal person?"

"It's easier this way."

I hold open the door. Once everyone's outside, I let it fall closed.

"It literally isn't, but okay," Kazu mutters. I stick my tongue out at him, but it's ineffective.

"Sometimes you act like an actual twelve-year-old, you know?" He tells me.

"Gotta keep up appearances."

Ume rolls her eyes, but she's grinning too. For a moment, we stand there, right in front of the academy, with brand-new Konoha forehead protectors in our hands.

I rub the cool metal of mine, tracing the Symbol of the Leaf.

"So should I pull a Sakura and use it as a headband?" I ask, conversational. M

Ume snorts as she ties hers loosely around her neck. "No, wear it like Lee. Put it on like a belt."

I cackle. "Imagine getting Gai as a sensei."

"Good lord, yes," Kazu says. "We'll be the new Team Gai. Or - the first Team Gai?"

Kazu fumbles with a one-handed knot as he tries to tie his forehead protector around his upper left arm. I roll my eyes and help him out. Shikamaru was always his favorite character.

"Oh, Gai," Ume sighs. She glances around and lowers her voice. "Well, unless we somehow fucked up everything, he'll be getting Neji and the rest tomorrow."

"We kind of did fuck up everything, though," Kazu mutters. "Neji was supposed to be top of the class."

Yeah, that kid was utterly pissed when the rankings came out and Kazu had just barely edged him out, and only because we'd done a ridiculous amount of subtle sabotage and cheating. Kazu was disappointed that the gap was so small - after all, Neji was twelve, but it's not like anyone else knew that.

"Right," Ume says, quiet. "Uh. Yikes?"

I close my eyes and think for a moment. "If I recall correctly, Neji and Tenten were just below you two, and I managed to be the only one worse than Lee," I say slowly, picturing the ranking list I had seen. "So if you average out their scores, it's probably the same? I don't think they'll get separated."

"Either way, Gai will probably end up teaching Lee, at least," Kazu murmurs. "I think he'd taken an interest in Lee even before he graduated?"

"Yeah, that sounds familiar," Ume nods. "Vaguely."

"Shame," Kazu sighs. "It'd be cool to have him. He really was the coolest sensei."

"You say that now, but I don't want to do ten laps around Konoha on my hands," I tell him. "It's for the best."

We don't need an intense sensei. We don't even need to mess with the canon Naruto storyline.

Our only goal, after all, is to have one of us reach a high enough level so that we can figure out how to reverse whatever the hell brought us here and send us home.

Or, it's supposed to be. Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm the only one with a clear understanding of that.

"Yeah," Kazu says, but he's got that distant, faraway look in his eye that tells me he's definitely hoping that we get assigned to Gai.

"We can worry about our sensei if we make it onto the same team," Ume says, bringing us back on track. "Tomorrow, at noon. Don't be late."

"Like any of us are ever late," I say, kicking a pebble on the ground. "Who's up for some celebration ramen?"

"I can go for that," Kazu says.

"Yeah," Ume sighs. "Why not?"

Decision made, we leave behind the Konoha Ninja Academy and start heading south, toward the infamous Ichiraku's. Ume glances over at me, and then at the forehead protector still hanging from my hand.

"You gonna put that on?" she asks me.

I look at it again and think for a moment. Then I tie it around my forehead.

"Boring," Ume tells me.

I shrug. It's not like it means that much to me anyway.

Two years ago, 'Naruto' was just the name of an insanely popular manga and anime. Two years ago, I was a normal, procrastinating college student watching that insanely popular anime with some friends.

Two years ago, the three of us passed out at four A.M. and then abruptly woke up in a forest clearing standing in the center of a shallowly scratched spiral.

It's incredibly disconcerting to wake up as a ten-year-old. It's even more disconcerting to realize that you're not in the same universe.

Before me, 'Noriko' seemed to be a rather private person. She'd been orphaned from the Kyuubi attack and was attending the Academy in the hopes of securing financial stability since she couldn't seem to get adopted. From what I could tell, she never talked much and didn't really have friends.

Kazuki and Ume were also orphans, though Kazu's parents apparently died sometime before the Kyuubi. They were attending the Academy for similar reasons, and other than living in the same orphanage, these three kids didn't seem to have any relation other than that. They didn't appear to be friends, or enemies, or anything really. There was no reason for them to talk to each other.

So we never figured out why they were standing in the middle of some strange ritual in a Konoha forest.

At that point, though, that was kind of the least of our worries. Still reeling from the shock of waking up in an entirely different world, we kept our heads down and tried to blend in. We tried to research how this could have happened to us, only to get barred from the more informative scrolls on sealing and rituals. Hitting that wall gave us a goal: to graduate the Academy and get promoted high enough to get us access to that information.

We compiled everything we knew about the series. We knew that the likelihood of us being separated upon graduation was high, so Kazu and Ume aimed for the top two spots in the Academy while I let my grades fall in the hopes of getting assigned together. We pinned down our position in the timeline once we learned that Neji, Tenten, and Lee were in our Academy class, and we came up with the barest bones of plan to give us some illusion of control.

And we've been here ever since.

"You gonna eat your ramen?" Kazu asks me.

I blink.

I'd been staring at my bowl for a good minute or so. Ume is looking at me with a concerned expression on her face.

"Yeah," I said. "Just… I dunno. It's kind of crazy, isn't it?"

"Yeah, we're technically genin now," Ume said. "God, didn't think I'd ever say that phrase seriously."

"I used to fantasize about being a ninja in the Naruto universe," Kazu admits. "I was like, unrealistically badass. I had a Sharingan in one eye and a Byakugan in the other, but it didn't make sense because I was from Kiri and Zabuza trained me alongside Haku."

"You too?" Ume says. "Before we… uh, left, I was actually writing a self-insert Naruto fanfiction."

"Whoa, really?" Kazu asks. "Wow. You didn't seem like the type."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ume says, cheeks rapidly turning red.

"Just… you never really seemed, you know… that type of fangirl?"

Ume rolls her eyes and jabs her chopsticks into her ramen with unnecessary force.

"Which fanfic was it?" I ask. "Maybe I've read it."

"I never posted it online," she says, face still red. "It was your typical 'car-accident victim wakes up as a baby and becomes a ninja'. Never got past the Chuunin Exams."

"Most never did," I sigh. With that, I finally start eating my ramen.

For a moment, we're eating in silence. Naruto was right - Ichiraku's ramen is really good - and the food warms me up from my stomach, taking away some of the stress I'd been hoarding in my brain.

Kazu clears his throat. Ume and I look over.

He keeps his eyes trained on his ramen and uncomfortably licks his lips. After a pause, he finally opens his mouth.

"What're we gonna do if we get separated?" he asks in a low voice.

"Don't think like that," Ume says, the words coming out like a reflex. "We can't get separated."

"I'm just saying - it's a possibility," he says. "I know I've been - I mean, I don't wanna panic about it anymore, but. Just, if it does happen, I'd feel better if we had a clear plan."

"Even if we get separated, the plan doesn't change," I say, firm. "We get access to the information we need to go home. I'd prefer not to do it separately, but if we have to, then we can."

"Home," Kazu echoes.

I really don't like that uncertain tone.

"We'll be genin for a while, anyway, so the chances of dying are low," Ume points out. "Nothing crazy happens until next year, and we don't even have to be involved in that. We can just not do next year's Chuunin exams, and then whenever we do get promoted, we'll be able to pick up our research again."

"And what if the information we need is only available to jounin?" Kazu asks.

"Then one of us will have to make jounin," I say. "It's okay, Kazu. We'll make it home."

Kazu winces. "That's not what I - never mind."

"Huh?"

"You're right," he says. "I'm just freaking out over nothing again. You know me."

"It's not nothing," Ume says in a soothing tone.

Kazu takes a deep breath. "It is what it is," he says, and he doesn't say another word. Ume and I exchange a worried glance.

He'll be alright, she mouths.

Once we get assigned a team, he'll be fine. Kazu always worried too much for his own good.

The next day finds us in the Academy classroom, sitting together in the back corner and holding our breaths.

"Team One," our sensei announces. The class is deathly silent.

The three names he reads off are not any of ours. Ume slips her hand into mine and squeezes.

"We'll be fine," I hear her mutter under her breath. "We're gonna be fine, it'll be fine, it's fine."

With every team assignment, I can feel myself growing more and more tense. None of our names get called, and the amount of unassigned students is dwindling. The chances of us being assigned to the same team slowly increases.

"Team Six. Hyuuga Neji. Tenten. Rock Lee."

I look over to where Neji is sitting. He's scowling.

"I knew they wouldn't get separated," I grin.

Ume's eyes light up. "That means for us -"

She cuts off when our Academy sensei clears his throat and looks at our corner of the classroom.

My eyes widen.

"Team Seven," our sensei says. "Kazuki."

Kazu stiffens. The three of us snap to attention.

Oh my God, I think.

Ume's eyes are screwed shut.

"Hirato Ume."

She squeezes my hand even tighter and I worriedly chew on the inside of my mouth.

"Yano Noriko."

I let out a breath and slump back in my seat.

"Yes!" Kazu hisses, quiet enough that it doesn't disrupt that class. "Yes! It worked!"

I'm too relieved to reply as our teacher continues listing off names. Ume and Kazu quietly celebrate. I allow myself a tired grin.

Oh god, I can finally sleep at night. Graduating this Academy has been a goddamn ordeal.

Our teacher says something about our future jounin sensei coming to pick us up or something, and the class starts breaking out into conversation. I can hear people complaining about team assignments, or awkwardly meeting up with their new team members. But for us, in the back corner -

"We fucking did it," Ume near-shrieks. "We did it! Oh my god, Kishimoto was right."

"It's so dumb," Kazu half-sobs. "I can't believe they actually assign teams like that. Holy shit."

"Thank god," I say. "If I had to get assigned to a team with actual twelve-year-olds, I'd explode."

I can finally answer questions. I don't have to fail my tests anymore.

Although, I'm not gonna lie, it was actually kind of fun cheating to fail.

"Who do you think our sensei is?" Kazu asks.

"Probably some random jounin," Ume muses, still grinning with relief. "The chances of getting a canon character sensei are pretty low. If any of them, it'll probably be Yuuhi or Sarutobi."

"I thought Kurenai was a new jounin when she tested Team Eight. And wasn't Asuma like… somewhere else?"

For the life of me, I can't remember.

"Then we're not getting a canon character," Ume shrugs. She's still grinning with relief.

Kazu sighs, mildly disappointed. "It would have been cool to train under one of them."

"Yeah," I sighed. "But, well. We wouldn't want to interact with canon too much."

Ume tilts her head and frowns. "Why not?" She asks.

I blink. "'What do you mean, 'Why not?' There's no way we can keep up with the god-mode anime shenanigans."

Ume shifts uncomfortably in her seat. "I mean. Just with the information alone, we might be able to do something."

"And get sent to T&I? We don't know these people. This isn't a fanfiction."

Ume sighs and looks away, a wistful expression on her face. "Yeah, you're right."

When I follow her gaze, I see her looking at where Team Gai is sitting. She's probably thinking about Neji's eventual death.

I know I am. What a terrible narrative move.

When I draw my attention back to our little group, I realize that Kazu has this oddly blank expression on his face. I look at him warily.

"You alright?"

"Just anxious," he says, just a little too quickly. "About who will be teaching us."

I narrow my eyes in suspicion. First, at the ramen shop. Then, right now. For a moment, I want to call him out, but I end up staying silent.

When the door opens, we whip our heads around. A jounin pokes his head in, wearing a disinterested expression.

"Team Four?"

Three kids stand up and stumble over to the door with barely contained enthusiasm. I watch them leave.

Then I frown.

"What number were we, again?" I ask, something turning in my gut.

"Seven," Kazu answers.

"Oh, okay. Thanks."

…

"Wait, as in Team Seven?"

Ume shifts in her seat. "I really doubt - yeah, there's no way that's happening. I mean, what are the chances?"

"Well, we did end up on a team together," Kazu says.

"Yeah, but we rigged that," I remind him. "This is pure probability. Is he even a sensei?"

"Didn't he fail like, five teams before Naruto came along?"

"Oh, right," I remember. "Okay, so maybe, but I still doubt it. We're not that unlucky."

"Yeah," Kazu murmurs. His voice is soft at first, but he nods to himself and speaks up with a little more confidence. "Yeah. What are the chances?"

Two hours later, when the three of us are still sitting in a now abandoned classroom, I have to acknowledge that the chances were fairly high.

"Okay. Okay. This is fine," Ume says. "We already know the secret of the bell test. We can pass, easy. No big deal."

"Are you kidding me?" I hiss. "God, all this effort of trying to fly under the radar and we get assigned Hatake Kakashi. He's going to realize that we're us, and then we're going to die."

"It's not like he knew us before," Kazu points out. "No one knew us before. No one noticed when we got here."

"Yeah, but -" I cut off and huff. "If we let it slip that we know anything -"

"And what will we know?" Ume asks, soothingly. "We're in peacetime. None of our knowledge comes into play until the rookie nine graduate. And it's not like we'll have much of a chance to talk backstory with the guy."

I can feel myself frowning, but Ume has a point.

"I guess you're right," I admit. "I'm just. Ugh, I keep expecting something to go wrong."

"Yeah, that's fair," Ume says. "Honestly, I'm surprised that you're the one freaking out about this. You weren't this worried about getting separated."

Because getting separated is inconvenient, but falling under suspicion for having unexplainable knowledge is dangerous, I think, but I don't say it out loud.

We sit there for another anxious minute, listening intently for any footsteps or breathing or any sign that Kakashi is approaching. Not that I expect to hear much, but it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

Ume clears her throat.

"Yeah?" Kazu asks, quiet.

"What're are we gonna do about the timeline?"

"Huh? We talked about this already. We're not getting involved."

Ume shakes her head. "Noriko - assuming we pass - if we don't hit Chuunin in the next year, Team Seven isn't going get him as a sensei."

It's then that I remember that Kakashi is currently the only Konoha-nin with a Sharingan, save Danzo. Despite slaving away and training enough to beat out Hyuuga Neji and Tenten in the class rankings, we're still a trio of orphan nobodies, and Sasuke is the Last Uchiha.

If we're lucky, they'll just move Kakashi to have him teach the Naruto trio and we'll get a replacement sensei. But also, considering the whole 'never abandon your teammates' thing… would Kakashi even go along with that?

Kazu blinks. "Oh, fuck."

Yeah, that about sums it up. If we wanted to, we could simply fail the bell test, but. That's at least another year of wasted time before we can try again for a jounin sensei, if they even give us another chance. I remember the bell test arc very vividly - Kakashi threatened to kick Team Seven out of the shinobi program entirely. I don't know if that's something that he can do, but…

Judging by the looks on Kazu and Ume's faces, they don't want to risk it, either.

"We'll just have to get promoted as soon as possible," I say.

Ume looks uncertain. "In the next year?"

Kazu has some unidentifiable expression in his eyes. "Chuunin exams are in July. So, the next six months."

Ume bites her lip and breathes out. It's probably her alternative to screaming.

"That's been the plan, anyway," I try to reassure her. "The sooner we hit Chuunin, the sooner we can go home."

Kazu nods. "Shikamaru did it. It's possible."

My eyes drop to the forehead protector on his arm, his silent homage to the Nara strategist.

Ume closes her eyes.

"Right," she says. "Yeah. Yeah. This is fine. It's fine."

She's still talking to herself when Kakashi finally arrives an hour and a half later.

He walks into the empty classroom and eyes the three of us sitting in the back corner: Ume, nervously muttering under her breath; Kazu, bouncing his leg up and down so hard that the table is shaking; and me, desperately trying to think my way out of our predicament with my head in my hands.

"My first impression: you all seem like idiots. Meet me on the roof."

With that, he disappears as quickly as he came.

"Auspicious start," I mutter, and I get to my feet. "Let's go."

This scene is pretty much exactly as I imagined it: the mysterious masked jounin sitting down on the roof, facing three cross-legged genin patiently awaiting instructions. A light breeze brushes by, and I can hear birds chirping in the distance.

The only difference is that, instead of Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura - it's me and two of my college hallmates getting ready to be tested by a jounin sensei.

Yeah, I didn't think this would ever happen, either.

"So. Introductions," Kakashi drawls. "Likes, dislikes, dreams for the future or whatever."

Kazu, Ume, and I glance at each other, a silent conversation passing between us.

"I'm Kazuki," Kazu starts off, taking his cue to go first. "I like spicy food, I don't like snakes, and my dream…" He trails off and hesitates.

I look at him, curious.

"My dream is to become the strongest ninja in the world," he declares, with more conviction. His eyes blaze with determination.

Er - what?

There's an awkward pause for a moment, and I stare at him. Kazu doesn't look over.

"Er, okay," Ume says, when it becomes clear that Kazu isn't going to elaborate. "I'm, uh, Hirato Ume. I like plans, I don't like bugs, and my dream is to protect Konoha and my precious people."

I tear my incredulous gaze away from Kazu and lift an eyebrow at Ume.

You totally ripped off that phrase.

She only shrugs. What of it?

"I guess it's my turn," I mutter, and clear my throat. "I'm Yano Noriko. I like to read, I dislike bugs, and my dream is..."

I blink. It's been two years since we'd mysteriously landed in this world. Two years since I'd had to become Yano Noriko. Two years since I'd last seen my own face in the mirror. I take a breath and prepare the words.

"... My dream is to find home."

"Oh?"

Ume knits her eyebrows together in concern.

"I mean, Konoha is my home," I tack on, realizing how borderline traitorous this might sound. "I just. I want… home."

Home, with my parents' cooking and my older brother, and my life.

"Huh," is all Kakashi has to say to that. He knows that Noriko is an orphan with no family. He's probably assuming that I'm searching for some sort of meaning in my life.

With that, Kakashi moves on. "I'm Hatake Kakashi. Possibly your jounin sensei."

We let the expected statement stand for probably a half-second too long, but Ume saves us by hesitantly speaking up.

"Er. What do you mean, 'possibly'?"

Kakashi grins. "Oh, haven't you heard? There's a second test you have to take before becoming official genin. Only one in three actually pass." He leans in, ominous and amused. "In other words, there's a sixty-six percent chance that you'll be sitting in the Academy again."

I let my eyes widen and my shoulders tense at the news. Ume gasps. Kazu sucks in a startled breath.

Kakashi studies us quietly, and I try not to flinch. Are we surprised enough?

"So, tomorrow. Training Ground Three. Six A.M, don't be late."

"R-right," Ume stammers like a pro.

"Make sure you don't eat breakfast," he adds. "You might throw up."

I plaster a grimace on my face and stare at the roof tiles. "I think I might throw up right now," I mutter under my breath.

Kakashi's visible eye crinkles with humor. "Well then. See ya."

He gives us a half-assed salute before disappearing in a swirl of leaves. I wonder if we managed to pass off as clueless students, or if he saw through our act.

…Oh, who am I kidding. He totally saw through it, and we're all going to die.

"What the hell was that?" Ume hisses, voice low. She grabs my arm and drags me out of my thoughts. Her eyes dart around for a moment before she turns her full attention back to me and starts her lecture. "'Find home'. Geez, I thought you were worried about being found out - why the hell would you say that?!"

"It's metaphorical enough," I hiss back. "Besides, that is my goal. I thought it'd be better to stick to the truth than to add to our house of lies. I'm not as good a liar as you."

Ume shakes her head and drops my arm. "Whatever. What's done is done."

Yeah, too late to salvage that situation. I bet Kakashi's at the Hokage's office right now, sharing suspicions about how his genin are insane and suspicious and -

Okay, I'm cutting myself off right there, I think. Ugh, I can't think about that right now.

It's then that I turn over to Kazu. "What was that about being the strongest ninja in the world?"

Kazu shrugs. "It's a worthy goal. And it's not like it raises any red flags."

Ume makes a noise of agreement and shoots me a pointed look. I cross my arms.

"Anyway," Ume says, still glaring at me. "We need to plan for tomorrow."

"Right," Kazu says. "Let's head to the training ground and case the joint."

He gets to his feet, and Ume and I copy him. Then, we're walking to Training Ground Three.

We do attempt to set up some traps, but, well -

- They didn't exactly do much for us during the bell test.

"Why am I the one tied to a tree stump?" I grumble, as soon as Kakashi appears to leave the clearing.

"Because you're the only one that didn't get hit directly," Ume grumbles, clutching her gut.

Kazu scowls at the reminder and rubs his jaw. "Yeah, it's only fair."

Since I'm marginally faster than Kazu and Ume, and since I was playing the role of the dead last, I ended up being the distraction. It mostly involved some weak attempts to rile up Kakashi, some extreme dodging, and the vague plan of guiding him into our traps. I barely managed to avoid getting hit, and that was only because he decided to focus on Ume and Kazu when they made their swipe for the bells.

Needless to say, it was a failed attempt, and now we are sitting in the clearing while I stare at their food.

To believe that that's Kakashi holding back… how in the world are we going to impress him enough to sign us up for the next Chuunin Exams?

"Here," Ume says. I blink, retreating out of my thoughts.

"Get that pathetic expression off your face." She holds out a bit of her lunch and I gratefully take it.

Kazu uncaps a water bottle and holds it up to my mouth, and I chug it down.

So now we've passed, I think to myself, after I swallow another mouthful of food. Honestly, we probably passed as soon as he noticed that we had a plan involving all three of us, but I think that Kakashi just wanted to fuck around and tie up one of his genin anyway.

We sit in silence. Ume and Kazu eat their lunches and occasionally give me some of their food. In between bites, I attempt to wriggle out of the ropes binding me to the stump.

I can't even manage to move my arm.

"Need help?" Ume asks, pulling a kunai out of her weapons pouch.

"Sure."

We'd been sharing our food for a while, and Kakashi still hasn't returned. Absently, I wonder where he is.

Ume saws through the rope with her kunai. I feel the sudden slack and rub my arms.

"Thanks."

She smiles.

Kazu takes a gulp of water and swallows. Another thirty seconds of tense silence passes, and then he awkwardly clears his throat.

"When do you think he'll come back -"

"You!"

I can't help the startled shriek that escapes my throat. Kazu chokes on air, and Ume falls over.

Heart racing, I glance up at where Kakashi is standing, smoke dramatically curling around him. He eyes the cut ropes and the food, and then looks at Ume who still has the kunai in her hand.

Ume, always quick-witted, pulls on a panicked expression and stammers. "Uh, this is, um. This isn't what it looks like?"

Kazu actually snorts in amusement while I hang my head low. The silence stretches longer and longer.

"You pass."

"What?!" Ume gasps, playing her part. Kazu delightedly punches the air, and I look up, trying to convey a shocked and hopeful expression.

"You pass," Kakashi repeats. "You're the first team that's seen through this test. The point of this test is to get you to work together."

I look at him. "Even though there's only two bells, and three of us?"

"Yep," he says, voice light and cheerful. "You're the first team that actually worked together instead of trying to kill each other!"

Kazu frowns. "Then why'd you tie Noriko up and tell us not to feed her?"

Kakashi pretends to think for a moment before he beams and shrugs at us. "Felt like it."

Knew it, I think, and I slump back against the tree stump.

"Listen carefully," he tells us. I feel my back straightening up in anticipation, and beside me, Kazu and Ume are also feeling a little more alert.

"Those who break the rules of ninja are trash. But those who abandon their comrades are even worse than trash."

Something about hearing that line from the man himself makes it seem a little more powerful. A little more ominous.

It sounds like a warning.

He gestures to the Memorial Stone on the other end of the clearing. We listen in silence as he describes its purpose. When he mentions his 'best friend', I feel Ume stiffen beside me.

Uchiha Obito.

Kakashi isn't facing us, so he probably can't see our reactions to that. We're going to have to work on this - pretending that we don't know his entire life story.

"... So congratulations, Team Seven," he tells us, and turns around once more. "We'll start our ninja duties tomorrow."

With that, he pulls out his Icha Icha Paradise book. "Kazuki, Ume, you're dismissed. Noriko - stay here."

This time, my surprise isn't feigned. Kazu and Ume look at me, eyes wide.

"Er, what?" I ask, unsure if I heard that correctly.

"You heard me," Kakashi says, his tone light. "Don't worry, you're not in trouble. I just want to ask a few questions."

My stomach flips, and I feel a little bile working its way up my throat. I'm going to fucking die.

Ume grabs my hand and squeezes it tight. Kazu glances between me and Kakashi, and he frowns.

"Okay," I hear myself say. "You two go ahead."

Kazu's voice is low. "Noriko -"

"Oh, don't worry about us," Kakashi says, nonchalant. "It won't take long."

"Yeah," I say. I'm not sure if I'm trying to reassure my friends or myself. "Just go ahead."

Ume bites her lip, but she nods. She gets to her feet and looks at Kazu.

"Fine," Kazu bites out, and I blink at the aggressive tone. He looks between Kakashi and I one last time, and then the two of them walk out of the clearing together.

Now, it's just me and Kakashi.

I'm going to fucking die.

"So, Noriko-chan," he drawls. He's reading his infamous porn, not even bothering to look at me, and I hope that my internal screaming isn't too obvious.

"Yeah?"

"You weren't really the dead last, were you?"

"Wh - what?"

Kakashi turns a page in his book. "Kazuki and Ume were the top male and female students," he says. "But you, Miss Dead Last, kept up with them quite well… and they didn't seem very surprised."

I bite my lip and weigh the options. I'm an awful liar - that's always been Ume's area of expertise - and, well, I think lying at this point would probably be too suspicious.

"It was on purpose," I admit. "We'd heard a rumor that they assign teams based on averaging out the scores, and that the top shinobi and kunoichi end up with the dead last. We wanted to be on the same team, so that's what we did."

"Ah, I see," Kakashi muses. "So that's why you three were willing to work together… If you don't mind me asking, where did you hear this rumor?"

"We'd heard it from an Academy sensei," I tell him. "Something about balancing out the team skills?"

Kakashi doesn't visibly react.

"You three must be close, then," he murmurs. "You were willing to fail in order to be on a team with them."

"Er, yeah," I say. "Uh. We all live in the same orphanage? We're friends."

Again, no lies.

"Hmm," Kakashi says. His eyes flicker over to me, and then back to his book. "How do you feel about Uchiha Sasuke?"

The sudden change in subject completely catches me off guard. "Uh… what?"

He looks at me, waiting.

"I - I guess he's okay?" I stutter. "I don't really know him. He's a year below me, and he seems kinda creepy sometimes, but whatever?"

"Nothing else?" he ventures.

I could talk about how hilarious it was that Sasuke never accomplished anything he set out to do as a villain, but none of that has happened yet, so I shake my head.

"Hmm. Okay," he says. With that, he turns around. "See you tomorrow, Noriko-chan."

I watch him walk out of the clearing with a bewildered expression.

Why in the world would he ask that question? Kazu, Ume, and I haven't ever interacted with Naruto's class. We'd really only seen them in passing, since they were a couple classrooms away from ours. I don't have any connection to Uchiha Sasuke.

You don't, a voice in my head says. But maybe Yano Noriko does.

I shake my head. Why in the world would some civilian orphan have a connection to Sasuke of all people? Everything I'd found out about the person whose body I'm wearing said that she was a quiet, lonely, kid who didn't have friends. Plus, if she and Sasuke did interact, surely the kid would have brought it up at least once in the past two years?

Or, maybe not. He was the epitome of an edgy lone wolf.

Still, that doesn't exactly answer any of my questions.

It doesn't take too long for me to find Kazu and Ume, since they were waiting for me on the path that leads to Training Ground Three. I walk up to them and nod in acknowledgement.

I don't know what kind of face I'm making, but it must be something special because Ume's concerned expression intensifies when I get close enough for us to see each other clearly.

"What was that about?" Kazu asks, narrowing his eyes.

"He just asked me if I purposely held back in the Academy to be the 'dead last'," I say.

Ume blinks. "And what'd you say?"

"The truth," I admit. "I don't think I could've lied to him point blank."

Ume nods, and her shoulders loosen a little. "That's alright. It probably convinced him that we really were working together as a team."

Kazu is still looking at me expectantly. There's probably still some lingering bewilderment on my face.

"He also asked me about Sasuke," I add.

Kazu frowns, obviously not expecting that. "Wh - Sasuke?"

"Why the fuck would he ask about that?" Ume wonders. "We don't know him. We didn't even talk to the kid, did we?" She narrows her eyes and glances between Kazu and me.

"Definitely wasn't me," Kazu says, putting his hands up in surrender. "I was too busy trying to beat Neji."

The two of them look over at me, and I scowl and cross my arms. "Of course I didn't talk to Sasuke," I grumble. "He wasn't even in my top ten favorite characters."

"Sorry, had to be sure," Ume apologizes. "Still. That's like, a really out there question. What are we missing?"

"Yeah, I don't know why either," I shrug. "I… I just really don't want to think about that right now, so…"

"Right," Ume says with a sigh. "It's fine. This is fine. Let's just get barbecue or something."

"I'm down," Kazu agrees.

We turn right and start making our way through Konoha, headed for the restaurant sections. I try my best to focus on the walk and not on my conversation with Kakashi, but I fail that pretty badly.

Well, at least I didn't die, I try to console myself.

We pull up in front of Yakiniku Q.

"You think Neji and his team will be here?" Ume asks.

"God, I hope not," Kazu grimaces. "I really don't want to put up with him right now."

"He's not so bad," Ume mutters, looking away.

I roll my eyes. "He's not so bad - in one year," I say. "Stuck-up Hyuuga Neji who was robbed of his class ranking by a cheating civilian orphan is awful."

Kazu laughs, but it's pained. "Yeah, he kinda sucks."

"Well, then, Mr. 'Strongest Shinobi'," Ume taunts. "You'll just have to keep beating the Hyuuga prodigy, right?"

"Right," Kazu breathes out. "I did say that was my dream, you know."

I frown at him. "You were serious?"

"Hey, if we're gonna be in this world, I might as well take advantage of it, right?" Kazu says. "We're learning from Copy-nin Kakashi, after all."

I bite my lip.

"Oh, don't look at me like that," Kazu says. "I miss home, too. But I'm not gonna waste my time obsessing over it."

"Yeah," Ume tells me. "We're not forgetting about home. But this is where we are now. Might as well make the best of it, right?"

"Right," I echo, but I don't know if I actually understand. This is where I am now… but it's not where I belong.

Kazu and Ume walk into the restaurant together, and I trail after them. We claim a table, order, and wait for our food.

I drum my fingers on the table. Ume traces the grain of the wood.

"Six months to hit Chuunin," Kazu muses. His eyes are sharp, his mouth a parody of a genuine smile. "That's gonna be a blast."

"You think we can get assigned a C-rank turned A-rank?" Ume asks. "That should impress him enough to give us a go at the exams, right?"

"That's one way to go about it," I say. "I can't really think of how else we're supposed to convince him."

Kazu breathes out. "That's out of our control, though," he says. "What are the chances that we'll get a C-rank where our client lied to us like that?"

"Very, very low," Ume says. "But. Well, we did get assigned to Hatake Kakashi. So maybe we'll have some luck in that department?"

I grimace. "I don't know if I'm comfortable leaving everything to chance like that."

Kazu doesn't look too happy with that pessimistic statement, but he doesn't call me out on it. Instead, all he does is shrug. "We don't have much of a choice."

Yeah, we don't. At this point, it's pray for the opportunity, or never go home again.

Ume closes her eyes, nervously licks her lips, and grimaces. "Yeah… this is fine. We're totally gonna be fine."

Oh, Ume. When you say it out loud like that, it sounds so simple.

If only that were the truth.

A/N: So, that just happened.

This mostly came around because I've been reading a bunch of OC Naruto fic to bring back the inspiration for my other story, and since there's a ton of high quality self-inserts in this fandom, this decided to exist.

This isn't very high on my priority list - I wrote this more as a 'proof-of-concept' sort of thing, since this idea wouldn't leave me alone and I had to get it in writing.

I still have a couple ideas for these characters, but it's not exactly a lot. There's just the vague mystery of how the trio ended up in the Naruto Universe to begin with [ :) ], and more fleshing out of Ume and Kazuki's characters. It'll probably be a long while before I ever revisit this, so I'll just leave this here because I think the concept is fun and I'm sure other people might like it, too.

EDIT: because people keep pointing this out, YES they are super unsubtle about the fact that they are not from the Naruto universe. It was an intentional choice, lol. Sorry if their idiocy got on your nerves?

Thanks for reading!

- LazuliQuetzal