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Title: Kick Names, Take Ass – The Idiot Sons of the Big Three

Fandom: Percy Jackson and the Olympians / Heroes of Olympus

Disclaimer: All rights reserved to Rick Riordan for he created the awesomeness that is Nico di Angelo. And everything else related to Percy Jackson and the Olympians / Heroes of Olympus. Aside from the Gods, they belong to the old Greeks. This fanfiction and its OCs on the other hand are entirely mine. No money is made with this, though reviews are more than welcomed.

Warnings: polyamory (m/m/m), drinking, jealousy, competitive idiots

Main Pairing: Nico/Jason/Percy

Percy Jackson Characters: Perseus Jackson, Jason Grace, Nico di Angelo, Dakota

Summary: Jason and Percy have been particularly competitive lately. While Nico appreciates the sight of them sparring, it's gotten rather ridiculous in an 'everything you can do, I can do better' way. After a particularly drunk night, Nico decides to sit them down and have a stern talk with them.

Kick Names, Take Ass

The Idiot Sons of the Big Three

Percy Jackson was his first love. From the day that bright, cute hero had stepped into Nico's life, Nico had been smitten. There was no other word. He had tried finding other words, had tried to deny the whole thing for years. But at this point in life, nineteen years old and having lived in New Rome for the past five years after the Giant War, Nico had come to accept that he was really very gay and particularly very gay for one Percy Jackson. Percy, who had really matured nicely since the boy Nico had first met all those years ago. Sharper jawline, broader shoulders, abs, that ass and those legs. Okay, so perhaps Nico's way of looking at Percy had also shifted over the past years. From the innocent childhood crush, he had grown to desire Percy in every way possible.

There was just one tiny little problem. Well, Jason Grace wasn't that tiny, technically at this point in life, Percy was the shortest of the trio thanks to a massive growth spurt Nico had hit at fifteen and a half. But yes, Jason kind of a problem. Or rather, Nico also developing feelings for Jason was a problem. Like it wasn't already enough that he was hopelessly in love with Percy.

For a little while there, Nico had a bit of a crisis. And then he had the internet and the help of Will. He had helped him a lot with settling with being gay already. Now Will taught him about polyamory and that being in love with more than one person was perfectly normal too.

That didn't make it less problematic though, because Nico loved them both. Nico di Angelo was in love with both Percy and Jason and he knew he had no chance with either of them. And most definitely not with both of them. So Nico's life? Relatively frustrating.

Made particularly frustrating by the fact that, well, Percy was Percy and Jason was Jason.

They were both ridiculously adorable? Stupid dorks competing over everything. And when they trained with each other, oh when they trained. So long that they were both soaked in sweat, discarding their shirts, leaving all those nice, nice abs bare to be marveled at.

Life for Nico di Angelo was unfair.

/break\

Nico startled awake in the middle of the night because his phone rang. He still hadn't gotten used to that damn thing. Leo Valdez had found a way to make cellphones safe for demigods about a year ago and for Nico, who was not from this time and then spent most of his new life in the underworld, wasn't used to cellphones at all. The first time Percy's phone had rang, Nico had literally stabbed it thinking it was something bad. Percy had made an adorable wailing sound and looked like a very sad seal. Thanks to Jason being annoyingly persistent ("You still spend so much time in the underworld. Get a phone so I can reach you without having to look for a rainbow all the time!"). So, against his own will, Nico had gotten a phone. IrisMessages was now an app (Nico still didn't have much of a grasp on what an 'app' was). Moments like these were that Nico regretted it though. It was three in the morning and the stupid thing was ringing and waking him.

Nico blinked when he saw Percy's name flash on his phone. "Perce? Are you okay?"

"Your boys are drunk and getting on my nerves. Come pick them up."

"...Who is this?", asked Nico wearily, reaching for his sword already as he got out of bed.

"Dakota. Jackson and Grace are at my bar and they are drunk and they are getting on my nerves. Come and pick them up before I drown them in wine."

Nico blinked a couple of times and stared at his phone as the call disconnected. His boys? Heaving a sigh, Nico got changed and went through the nearest shadows. He exited at the Bacchus Bar, where it was definitely way too loud and too bright for three in the morning.

"Di Angelo! Over here!", barked Dakota out from behind the bar.

Sighing, Nico approached him. "Where are they and what did they do?"

Dakota jerked his head toward the table in the corner. "They were singing and dancing and arm-wrestling and playing darts – all in competition, mind you. But when the two of them started picking a fight with two children of Mars, I benched them and called you. No fighting in my bar."

With yet another heavy sigh did Nico head over to the table. "Thanks, Dakota. I'll get them."

Scowling, Nico looking at his two idiots. Though the scowl melted pretty fast when he actually spotted Jason and Percy, both asleep and snuggled up to each other. Percy had his legs thrown over Jason's lap, head resting against Jason's shoulder, while Jason had his head resting on top of Percy's. The two of them looked unfairly good together like that.

"Idioti! Why are you picking fights in a bar?", demanded Nico to know, shoving them both.

Percy bit his lips and offered Nico a dopey grin as he elbowed Jason. "Look, he's talking Italian to us. I like when he talks Italian to us, Jay."

"He called us 'idiots'", grumbled Jason with a puppy-pout.

"Still sounds awesome", hummed Percy happily.

"By my father, how much did you drink?", sighed Nico. "Now, why did you pick a fight?"

"They said... They said the seven were the only ones important in the war", frowned Percy.

"The prophecy was literally about you", nodded Nico confused.

"Fu—uck that!", huffed Jason and got up. "We woulda failed three times over without you! You were at least as important as we were! If not more!"

"Yes!", exclaimed Percy and wrapped his arms around Nico's neck for support. "We woulda failed and they said that we were jus... jus 'being nice'. And we were having none of it. Right, Jay?"

"Right, Perce", confirmed Jason and puffed his chest out. "We were ready to kick names an... and take ass! And we totally did?"

"...You... took ass?", muttered Nico and shook his head. "I'm the youngest, how am I the adult...?"

Carefully did he wrap one arm around Percy's waist, who was still clinging onto him, and reached for Jason with his other arm. Thankfully enough was the blonde compliant and clung onto Nico like a monkey too within moments. Nico was slowly getting a headache.

"Hold on, mi idioti", sighed Nico, gripping the two tightly.

Both Percy and Jason made cheerful whooping sounds as they were shadow-traveled to Nico's apartment. Carefully did Nico try to maneuver them toward the bedroom, but Percy kept giggling.

"Are you inviting us to your bed, Nico?", gasped Percy, batting his eyelashes.

"Wait. But you can't pick both of us", huffed Jason with a confused frown. "Can he, Percy?"

That stopped Percy's giggling as the son of Poseidon stumbled a little. "I dunno. But what was the point in all our competitioning if he doesn't pick only one of us!"

"I don't think competitioning is a word", mused Jason. "Neeks, is competitioning a word?"

Dumping them both on his bed, Nico rubbed the bridge of his nose. "What are you two drunkards even talking about? Is that... Is that supposed to make any kind of sense?"

Percy made a squeaky-sound as he spread his arms and legs and stretched out before rolling around on the bed until he nearly fell off one side and the rolling back until he bumped into Jason. Jason yelped at that and then just threw himself on top of Percy and the two started wrestling.

"Why do I love those two?", whispered Nico softly to himself, shaking his head.

He cleared his throat and continued louder. "Go to sleep, both of you. We'll talk in the morning."

He started pulling off their shoes and when he went for Jason's belt, with a bright blush on his cheeks, did the giggling start again. This time from Jason though. And Percy was... Percy was staring at Nico like a heartbroken, abandoned kitten. Nico continued getting Jason out of his jeans and afterward, he moved on to Percy, making the son of Poseidon gasp.

"I think he did choose us both, Jay!", exclaimed Percy, cheeks and ears dark-red as he started swatting at Nico's head and face. "Stop it! No! I'm too drunk to lose my virginity! Shoo!"

"P... Percy...", sputtered Nico with a blush to match Percy's. "I'd never take advantage of you. And... And how is that the first thing your mind went to? Just... Sleep, please."

Nico sighed as he threw a blanket over Jason and Percy before heading out to the living room to sleep on the couch. He had no idea how to make heads or tails of those two.

/break\

Nico aimed for a stern look as he leaned against the doorway with his arms crossed. He didn't manage though, because Percy and Jason were curled together and cuddled up to each other on Nico's bed, looking peaceful and adorable and Nico had spent too many nights dreaming of what they'd look like laying in his bed. And they looked perfect in his bed.

"Ja—ay", groaned Percy in a drawn out way, burying his face in Jason's stomach. "Did I dream that or did Nico really take us to bed last night...? Like... did we totally seduce our Ghost King?"

"...No. I think that happened, but... I'm very... confused by the outcome of it", mumbled Jason.

"Se... Seduce...", echoed Nico stunned. "What. What does that mean?"

"Neeks!", yelped Percy and sat up, hair all messed-up and looking cutely sleepy. "Uhm..."

"Explain", ordered Nico. "Seriously. You two were behaving weird yesterday too."

"We just... uhm... Okay, so you might have noticed how we've been kind of... competing?", offered Jason, causing Nico to scoff. "We were kind of competing about... uh... you. You know, who'd be the best possible boyfriend for you. But along we way, we kinda also... uhm... I kind of also developed a crush of sorts on Percy so the competition was never something I saw malicious or anything but yeah, it was... all kind of... about gaining your attention and... you know. Affection."

"...What?", asked Nico flatly, looking from Jason to Percy and back.

Percy ducked his head and ruffled his hair. "Yeah, that. Only that Jason neglected to tell me about his crush on, you know, me." Percy turned to glare pointedly at Jason. "Because I... like him too."

"Okay, let me... recap", muttered Nico and approached his bed. "You two... like me. And you like each other. So me liking the both of you means... I could actually... have... have you both?"

"Wait does that mean you actually want us both?", asked Jason.

Both Jason and Percy stared at him attentively and in a moment of excited bravery, Nico leaned in to steal a kiss from first Percy and then Jason. Afterward, he was pulled onto the bed to join them for a 'much needed hangover nap'. Nico just laid awake in awe, staring at them. At his boyfriends.

~*~ The End ~*~

Author's note: I WAS WRONG TWO WEEKS AGO. Actually, THIS is the final Fake Fic Title. *huffs* So. Yeah. NOW we're done with those. :D"