When All Else Fails

A/N: I am profoundly apologetic that this chapter has taken almost a year to come. My reason, you ask? I can not find someone to beta for me would be part of it. As it is, this chapter IS unbeta'd and so is the result of lack of a process. It's definitely not my best work. Unfortunately my pet rock hasn't been as imaginative as I would have liked it to be and so I have suffered severe and crippling writers' block, from which I am still trying to recover from. If ANYONE, and I mean PLEASE! ANYONE would be willing to beta for me I would be so extremely pleased!

Pam, darling, I hope you're churning your next chapter out too!

"Ms. Granger..."

"Don't worry Professor McGonagall, I think I got him!" Hermione replied.

"Ms. Granger."

"Take that! And that! And that!"

"Ms. Granger!"

"There, he won't be hurting anyone for awhile now... Professor... what's wrong?"

"That was your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Ms. Granger."

"I knew that..." Hermione answered.

"You already knew that he was a Professor here and that you were viciously attacking him whilst he was unprovoked?"

"I really have no comment on that at this juncture, Professor," Hermione replied.

"Explain yourself Ms. Granger!"

"I was doing credit to the school!" she blabbed, trying to talk herself out of THIS situation.

"Ms. Granger, how exactly were you doing credit to the school by attacking the only man left in England who will take the position of a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher even if it is halfway through the school year?"

"Well, Nearly Headless Nick was doing such a great job, I just thought..."

"Ms. Granger, I asked you here so that Professor Mol Dune could explain to you what happened with the portrait," Professor McGonagal interrupted.

"Oh, well, I'm sure he'll be just fine, won't you Professor. I'm just a student after all. Can't be that bad..." Hermione stuttered.

Professor Mol Dune gave an inaudible moan of pain before falling unconscious.

"Ms. Granger, I just wanted to inform you that the painting was of Matilda Brakensaw. Her daughter was a student here, I believe the student now haunts the second story girls' bathroom," Professor McGonagal said, beginning to walk down the hall with Hermione.

"Professor, shouldn't we help Professor Mol Dune? He doesn't look so good," Hermione replied.

Professor McGonagal looked back at the drooling mass of human flesh.

"I'm sure the House Elves will come along soon and deal with it. He's a big boy, he can look after himself," the Professor replied.

Hermione on the other hand, didn't like the way some of the Slytherin's were staring at the Professor.

"So it was Moaning Myrtle's mother? Do you have any suspects?"

"No, she was moaning for months that she would do herself in, it was quite expected. I believe Mr. Malfoy is very shaken up about this. I expect the two of you to keep it to yourselves. I just wished to put the matter to rest in your minds," the Professor explained.

"Or make sure I didn't get a fool-hearty idea in my head that this painting had some link to diabolical evil and convince Harry and Ron to break school rules to get at the heart of a mystery you know beforehand isn't there?" Hermione asked.

"Pretty much," the Professor answered.

"Professor, if you don't mind me asking, I didn't know paintings could do things like that to themselves," Hermione replied.

"That wasn't a question, Ms. Granger," McGonagal replied.

"That wasn't my answer, Professor," Hermione replied.

"Look, do you want me to press the issue of Professor Mol Dune?" the Professor asked.

"So, it's a lovely day today!" Hermione said, changing the topic.

"That will be all, Ms. Granger. Thank you."

Hermione walked away, feeling embarrassed and abashed, hoping desperately she wasn't expelled. Suddenly another dark figure jumped out at her from the gloomy and sinister corridors.

"Ahh! Hermione, it's me Harry!" Harry squeaked.

"Oh, sorry Harry!" Hermione replied.

"That's ok... so can you take your hexes off me now?" Harry asked.

Hermione sighed and did the counter spells to remove the leg-locker, tentacle and blindness curses she had thrown upon Harry in three seconds of shock.

"We need you in the second story girl's bathroom, Hermione!" Harry said.

"What for?" Hermione asked.

"Moaning Myrtle is holding two first years hostage in there and she told us not to get a teacher so we went and got you," Harry replied.

Hermione ran with him through the corridors and up the stairs to the second story girls' bathroom.

She could hear girls inside sobbing and Moaning Myrtle wailing over them. Ron and Malfoy were both at the scene with a gathering mass of students drawn by the commotion.

"Myrtle?" Hermione called through the door. "Myrtle, what's wrong?"

"Go away!" Myrtle moaned.

Hermione took a breath, opened the door and slipped into the bathroom while Harry, Ron and Malfoy stood outside, nervous and curious.

Hermione, looking shocked, appalled and disgusted emerged again after a couple of minutes to face the boys with a look of horror so profound on her face that there was no guess the boys could make as to what was wrong.

Harry and Ron stepped closer, looking concerned.

"Malfoy," Hermione said, gathering her strength and courage. "Myrtle will let the girls go on the condition that you... give her your... underwear."

Ron went to the wall, feeling as if he were going to barf, Harry went through a variety of emotions and skin colours, ranging from shock, fear, anxiety, sickness, more shock. With these his skin turned white, then red, then sweaty, then white again before staying that way.

Malfoy made some indistinct mumbling noises that Hermione took for a rejection. The crowd of ever-growing students leaned closer to hear what he was saying.

"What was that, Malfoy? I can't hear you. Look, you're going to have to do it. Two students are at stake," Hermione said crossly.

"I said, I can't... I'm, err, not actually wearing any underwear, today," Malfoy replied quietly so only she could hear.

"What do you mean you're not wearing any?" she said aloud in shock.

The crowd gasped, some with horror, others with excitement. Blaise Zambini had to be caught as he swooned. Cho Chang clung to Ron in fear.

"I decided to go commando today!" Malfoy said loudly, flushing a bit at the cheeks, before growling at a couple of third years that looked mortally appalled and sufficiently causing them to squeak and run away.

"Oh," Hermione said, flushing red herself.

Neville was casually walking by at the moment and stopped to ask the matter.

"Neville, you should stay back, Moaning Myrtle has hostages in there," Hermione said.

Neville looked confused, "But, isn't she a ghost, I mean, what's she going to do? Boo them to death?" he asked.

Hermione could feel it around her, realization dawning on everyone. Neville Longbottom...was right. He had thought of something no one else had. Malfoy looked like he was going to adopt Ron's wall policy.

Hermione was muttering, "Stupid first years," before bashing the door open. "You two," she said point at the first years. "Out of here, go!" she said, pointing into the hallway. At that point the students were more scared of Hermione than anything in the room.

Myrtle moaned as Hermione closed the door. People began to filter from the halls as Hermione turned to Harry and Ron.

"Well, that was a bust," Hermione said.

Harry looked at Ron and Cho still clinging to each other. "I think I'm going to be sick now," he said.

"Wait, Hermione," Cho Chang began, "You engaged in a hostage situation wearing Fluffy Pink Monster Slippers?"

Hermione didn't bother answering, it had been a long day, and Doug was upstairs waiting for her to return.

You know what I discovered, people actually read my author's notes. I find this utterly astounding and impressive! Anyway, I wanted to leave special notes for a few reviewers. You people are my life source, and if I could I would ship every little reviewer to my shack in South America so you could ALL Pet my rock with me. Short of that I wanted to leave notes of love, adoration, and hopes of baby-making for a few.

Apologies to all those who were forced to think of Snape naked. Except for Vanyaria who probably didn't mind the idea at all.

Ok, here is my responses to as many reviewers as I have time to reply to. I would do more but there (listen to me toot my own horn) are a few. Honestly, I love every single review I get! You have no idea how lovely it is to get them! So I want to give some recognition to those reviewers.

Vanyaria Darkshadow: You have been a most faithful reviewer – I appreciate this a lot, thank you eternally. You are a great, great author, and after reading some of your work (ie. Severus' journal, can we say 'brilliant'? I am most honored to have you review me.)

Ron Weasley 2: Don't worry about your concerns winkwink I would hate for you to stop reading! Thank you for all your wonderful comments.

Breizh Kier: I LOVE the Evil Overlord list and those are two of my favourite quotes. It's ok, you don't have to say anything about my story in a review! That's just silly. Honestly, reviews are cool but they're not the world, I like reading people just talking about stuff. Good news, the story IS eligible for marriage but only if you're Guatemalan. If not, sorry. I would love to be the bridesmaid. Don't be silly I'm not really a 40 year old man that lives alone with a pet rock. I now have a whole SOCIETY of pet rocks now.

Prince of Oddness: I'm very, sincerely sorry I made you think of Snape naked!

Laura: No I don't think Doug and Hermione would work – but I agree, they would make a cute couple. If a guy slaps you again, don't be afraid to slap back – or call me to do it for you.

A bum who refuses to signin: well at least you can admit it. You are truly the blessed creature, few other reviewers have made me blush as you did. Sorry, you must have been waiting awhile. I hope the banana wasn't too off.

StrayCt: Thank you for all of your reviews. Your many, many reviews!

FunkyFries: I have rarely been called unique, thank you! I feel...special. I hope you've checked back to read this chapter.

Confused: You are absolutely one hundred percent right! How smart of you to point it out. I don't really have a mind for dates etc, I'm glad you do!

Blondemomo: Yes, I agree – leather pants ARE naughty. I'm glad I can be inspiration. Sorry that you thought I was dead.

Sticks and Stones that break my bones because I don't drink milk: I had a dream that I was a Swedish goat herder and milked goats... it was strange. I hope you haven't taken me off your authors list! Please don't! It may be late but it can't be THAT late!

Miko-Baca: Don't go insane! I got it done! It's ok. I couldn't write from the institution.

Irish-Phoenix 1: Noah's a great name! But not if the cat doesn't like you. Put a peg on its tail and watch it try to walk and jump on things. It's the funniest thing ever! I swear. What's wrong if Draco DID give Harry that hickey?

Lady Darkness13: You're comments never fail to make me laugh. Thank you very much for that!

Dark Flames: Of course I'd love to beta for you. Send anything that needs betaing to me and let me know that its you.