Lies

Morgan has learned to be good at seeing through lies. And that is a useful skill to have, for in her life so many people have lied to her.

It starts when she is a little girl. Her father tells her that he loves her. He does not. He is ashamed of his ugly daughter. He tells Morgan that she will be married to a great lord and have a fine castle one day. Morgan likes the idea. But it will never happen – even if she was a beauty, what lord would risk joining his house to Gorlois – a Christian loyalist- while Vortigern is in power?

(And when Vortigern is no longer in power, that is the least of her family's problems)

–

Merlin lies to her. He tells her that anyone can do magic, and for a few minutes of trembling excitement, after her hand comes away from him filled with coin, Morgan sits beside her mother at the coronation feast and tries to cast spells as she hides her hands beneath the table.

It doesn't take long for her to realise that there is no magic in her hands at all. She tries for a few days afterwards anyway, as her father rushes them back to Tintagel through the early morning mists, and she sits in the litter with her mother trying to understand why they are running. As they return to their lonely, guarded home, and Morgan tries to find out when their enemies are coming.

She gives up after a week or so, and sets her anger at the wizard aside. She doesn't think that he meant to lie. Perhaps it isn't a lie if it's just a misunderstanding?

(It is not long afterwards that she discovers that Merlin is capable of deception on a much grander scale than she has ever comprehended before. And oh, then she is angry again, she hates him and his king as much as she has ever hated anyone).

–

She sees through Uther's disguise, through Merlin's magic.

This is the tipping point, the time at which her family comes to ruin. She tries to warn her mother, warn the guards. But she is a child, and none will listen to her. Not until the morning comes, and the guards come running at Igraine's screams. Until Uther saunters out of her chambers. Until a messenger comes riding to the gates with the news that Gorlois lies dead in a nearby ravine. But it is much too late by then.

In her dreams she revisits the moment again and again, and each time she takes something sharp – her carving knife, a broken piece of glass – and drives it into Uther's throat, his heart, his stomach, until he falls to the floor and she can take her weapon to his lying face instead. They are a cold comfort. She had not killed him, and now he is out of her reach.

(When she learns that he died in madness, plunging a knife into his own chest, Morgan smiles beatifically to herself and thinks that perhaps her dreams did their work in some way).

–

Igraine had always told Morgan that she loved her. But in the dusk, as Merlin rides away with Uther's baby, the reason that her mother is shamed and her father is dead, Morgan hears that her mother has thrown herself from the top of the castle. She has killed herself for the loss of her son, because her daughter isn't important enough to live for.

Morgan cries angry tears, tears up her mother's dresses, climbs up to the top of the tower and shouts out to her mother that she hates her, if there is any part of her that can still hear.

Igraine always told Morgan that she loved her. But apparently that was a lie too, and of all the ones Morgan has confronted in her short life so far, it is this one that hurts the most.

(Later, when Morgan is a mother herself, she promises Mordred that she will never let him go as her mother did to her. She will fight for him. And she does.)

–

Mab makes promises. Extravagant ones. And Morgan can tell that they are true – or at least that she believes them to be so. Mab cannot lie, after all. If Morgan were not so distracted by Frik, if she were not so desperate for a family, then perhaps she would have realised that every one of Mab's promises was for Mordred. She never mentioned Morgan at all.

(It will occur to Morgan eventually. With the grey skies above and the stone stairs rushing up to meet her. But it will be too late then).

–

Her son doesn't lie to her. In fact, the more time his Auntie Mab spends at Tintagel, the less he has to say to her at all. He makes it quite clear that she has been supplanted in his affections by the dark fae queen – after all, Morgan can promise him all the crowns and power that he could ever want, but only Mab can give them to him. When he does speak to her, he is a case study in brutal honesty and sarcasm.

But Mordred doesn't lie to her. Morgan supposes that is something.

–

Frik lies to Morgan all the time.

The first time they meet, he tells her that he will teach her magic. Morgan is ready for the lie this time, but she plays along anyway – for he offers her a chance to strike against Uther's horrible little spawn. Another time he visits he tells her that he will make her beautiful. She is not in the mood for lies any longer, and she is grieving her mother. She tells him to go away, and for many years he does. By the time he comes back, his promise of beauty and vengeance isn't a lie anymore.

He makes new lies to go in their place, but these ones are foolish – amusing tales to make her laugh. Insulting rumours about her enemies. These are obvious lies, she knows they are lies and he knows that she knows. Sometimes she shares some lies of her own, and they drink wine and they laugh, secure in the knowledge that they cannot truly hide from each other.

Other lies slip down less well with the wine. Assurances that her childbirth won't be painful (it is), that his employer has any degree of fondness for Morgan (she doesn't), and that her son does love her after all.

Yes, he lies to her all the time. But at least these ones are kindly meant.

Sometimes she wonders what the two of them would be if they ever paused for a moment in their lies and illusions, and simply confronted each other with honesty. Part of her is worried that he would turn away from her. Another part worries that he has spent so long weaving lies, and she has spent so long living them, that if they stripped those away there would be simply … nothing left.

(One day she will have the chance to find out, and it is to her relief that she finds that she is still capable of giving love, of receiving it. At the end of Morgan's unhappy life of lies, she is finally confronted with honest, kind truth. And so, perhaps she will at least die happy).