The next day...

Yuuki Mishima yawned, turned over in his bed, and smiled as he stretched out his muscles in preparation for a good and rewarding day. He sat up, opened his eyes, and greeted the morning with the boundless optimism befitting someone who had truly found his place in the world.

He saw eight people and a cat standing silently in a semicircle around his bed, staring at him.

Judging.

"Hey, buddy," Akira said, softly. "How'd that 'documentary' go?"

Yuuki did not wet his bed, but it was a near thing. "Wh-what are you all..."

"I'll tell you what we're doing, Mishima-kun," Haru said, warmly. So warmly. You know what else was warm? Lava. "We're asking the questions here. So please. Answer our beloved leader! How did that documentary you were planning to make about us end up?"

"U-um... hahaha... well, it... didn't, yet. I started, yes, but... well, I got distracted by another idea, and..."

"Yes. Yes, you did," Ann said. "You're apparently very distractable. Why, you got so distracted you forgot your own name. I can't think of any other reason that 'Shyuuki Shmishima' would show up in the credits as the director and lead writer for this!"

Yuuki coughed nervously at the sight of 'PhantCum Thieves of Whores.' "I... wouldn't know. I don't think that's me..."

"Oh, I think it is," Futaba said cheerfully. "I know that because on the way here, I doxed the crap out of you! Yup, everything about your entire life is now out there on the internet, free to anyone who wants to look. This includes your bank records, which show you picking up some very weird funding right around the time a very shady porn company called 'DumCumster, Inc.' started operations on a new film. Hey, I think they made this movie! What a coincidence."

Yuuki sighed. "Um. Well, okay, a little awkward, but. I was going to tell you about it! Just, you know, I was a little ashamed? I had a horrible cold the whole filming. I sounded like a fifty-year-old smoker for all the lines I did for Shmorgana, and it was just humiliating. You have no idea."

"Oh yeah, we definitely wouldn't know what it's like to find this movie humiliating," Anne hissed.

"… … … So not fans, then?"

"How's this for an answer: We all knew it was you as soon as we saw that lame-ass fake name, in the credits," Ryuji said. "So all the ruining of your life that Futaba did?"

"And I'm still doing it!" Futaba said cheerfully, typing away.

"Yeah, that was all totally unneeded. Futaba just really wanted to fuck you over online, and we all kinda let her. Nothing personal," Akira said with a shrug.

"Meow," Morgana said.

"He said 'it was very personal,'" Yusuke translated helpfully.

"And what you say next, 'Shyuuki,' determines if it stays personal," Akira began, slowly, "or becomes posthumous. Soooo..."

"WHAT THE SHIT, MAN?!" all of them shouted in unison, backed up by the snarling of a very angry and oddly smart cat.

Yuuki coughed again. "Ummm... would you believe it was meant to be a compliment...?"

Five months earlier...

The demon lord Satanael, embodiment of rebellion, lowered its weapon as the broken god fell from the skies before it. Chaos and order had clashed here, in the skies above Tokyo, and in such a battle there could be only one victor; chaos was growth, change, evolution. Just as even the largest mountain would inevitably be worn away by wind and water, so too would that boundless force of growth crush all bastions of the old order and cast down their rotting walls. It was a cosmic inevitability: nothing could last forever. Not even gods.

But they could be spiteful.

HEAR ME, Yaldabaoth thought, struggling to form the words as the collective will of man drew it back in, shattering its body as it lost its individual will and once again became nothing more than a fragment of the minds of humanity, as so many other broken gods before him had. I CALL FORTH TO THOSE WHO VALUE ORDER ABOVE ALL ELSE, WHO DISBELIEVE THESE AGENTS OF DISASTER. HEAR ME. AVENGE ME.

But there was no answer. The Phantom Thieves were at their strongest, now. The will of man was behind them, and it consumed him.

HEAR ME. I CALL TO THE OUTCASTS. THOSE WHO HAVE NO PLACE IN THIS WORLD OF GROWTH AND CHAOS. THOSE WHO SEEK THE RETURN OF SAFETY AND ORDER. AVENGE ME.

No answer. Those who stood outside society and were denied by the world... they were not his people. He was a god of order, unity, commanding the masses. Such people were rebels by their very nature. They would not be touched by his soul.

He sighed. Honestly, he had a giant hole in his head, and somehow the rejection was more humiliating.

OH, ME DAMMIT. FINE. OKAY. I CALL TO... THERE IS NO POLITE WAY TO PUT THIS. I CALL TO THE LOSERS. THOSE WHO REALLY WANTED TO BE PART OF SOMETHING BIGGER THAN THEMSELVES BUT JUST FRANKLY WEREN'T COOL ENOUGH. THOSE WHO, IF THIS WERE A VIDEO GAME, WOULD BE CUT OUT OF THEIR MOST IMPORTANT SCENES IF THE PLAYER DISLIKED THEM ENOUGH. THE UNIMPORTANT SIDE CHARACTERS.

Eh? Did someone say something? I heard a buzzing noise, a voice replied.

OH, COME ON. ONLY ONE? I KNOW I'M DYING, BUT LITERALLY I ONLY MANAGED TO CONTACT ONE REALLY LAME SOUL? I THOUGHT I WAS MORE DIVINE THAN... OH, SHIT, IS THIS THING ON? I MEAN... AH-HEM. NOBLE SOUL! I AM THE LORD GOD, YALDABAOTH. I HAVE CHOSEN YOU FOR MY AGENT!

... Waaaaaaaaaait. Are you the big metal thing that the Phantom Thieves just killed? I don't think I should listen to you.

...NOOOO.

Yeah, you are! I heard you like, yelling earlier about sins and order and stuff. You're totally evil!

HAVEN'T YOU EVER READ THE BIBLE? IT WAS ALL A DIVINE TEST, CLEARLY! THIS WAS MY MEANINGFUL SACRIFICE. I LET THE PHANTOM THIEVES KILL ME, BECAUSE MY NOBLE SACRIFICE WILL ABSOLVE HUMANS OF ALL THEIR SINS. IT'S CALLED MARTYRDOM, AND YOU SHOULD REALLY BE THANKING ME.

Oooooh! You're like a big metal Jesus?

YES, THAT.

Wow! I can't believe Jesus is talking to me!

YES, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT'S HAPPENING.

So, um, how can I help, Jesus? Do you need me to make you a website?! I did that for the Phantom Thieves! I'm their biggest fan.

...GREAT. THAT'S... NOT IDEAL. WAIT, WAIT. OKAY, I HAVE IT. I SHALL INSPIRE YOU. YOU WILL GAIN GREAT SKILL AND CREATIVITY, TO CRAFT A GREAT WORK. YOU SHALL DEDICATED IT TO THE PHANTOM THIEVES. TELL THEIR STORY. IN A... SHALL WE SAY UNIQUE MEDIUM. THE WHOLE STORY. LEAVE NOTHING OUT. MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS. HEEHEHEHEHEHEHE...

Um... I mean, I don't know the details. They steal hearts, I guess, but I don't know much about how, or anything. How can I get the details? Are you going to share all that information with me through divine power?

DON'T REALLY HAVE TIME. JUST ASK THE LOUD BLONDE ONE, HE'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING.

... Yeah, that's FAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH... Yuuki thought, as divine inspiration flowed into him.

"And you did not... at any point!... think any of this was weird," Akira said, rubbing his temples.

"I mean, it all made sense!" Yuuki protested.

"Did it, though?!"

"And I thought you guys would like it! Like... you know. It told your story. The stuff about you that nobody knows! It shared who you really are with the world!"

"Yuuki. I'm going to point out to you. That if we'd wanted people to know that stuff," Akira hissed. "WE WOULD HAVE TOLD THEM."

"... I mean... okay that's... fair, but... Ryuji seemed pretty willing to share..."

"That's because Ryuji is an idiot!" Ann snarled. "And you know what, that's fine, we're gonna kill him later."

"Still?! I didn't mean it!" Ryuji protested.

"What isn't fine, young man," Makoto whispered, cracking her knuckles, "is that you made our story into a porno."

"A surprisingly good one!" Futaba said.

"Only Futaba thinks that, so I would recommend you don't feel hope," Yusuke advised. "Your sets were amateurish, your actors entirely without talent, and your script appears to have been written by a monkey."

"I... look, I admit I may not have done the best job. It was only the ninth or tenth porn I'd ever directed. I used to make them when I younger to practice video editing, but I stopped because some of the actors died. Turns out it's a difficult career!"

"How many people have you killed?!" Haru squeaked.

"None! It was an accident! ... Twelve times!" Yuuki said. "Look, porn stars aren't very bright, and I'm... possibly not the best at managing them..."

"Then why do you keep doing it?!"

"Well, I mean, my first choice was a documentary, but then Jesus gave me the power to make a porn instead. I had a lot of script choices like, written into my brain with divine light. That's why I had to get Ryuji to fill in so many details, you know. Because Jesus was really insistent on a lot of general plot points, like the school blowjob team, and all the incest! He kept filling in how often he wanted me to stick in things like that, that he couldn't finish telling me all the things you guys actually did," Yuuki said proudly. "You wouldn't think He would be so enthusiastic about those things, right?"

"You really wouldn't think that, unless you were the biggest idiot in the history of the universe," Ann said.

"... I'm not following you."

"Yuuki. Buddy. At no point, in any of this. Did you stop to think that maybe the giant winged evil robot that we shot in the face with a bullet made out of sin, might be lying to you?" Akira asked.

"... I mean, it all seemed like it could be a metaphor, so..."

"It wasn't a metaphor, it was just us shooting him in the face."

"I don't think he knows what a metaphor is," Futaba said. "It's when one thing becomes symbolic of another thing. Like 'love is a flower,' or 'Futaba applying Yuuki to a job in sewage treatment was a shining star in the night sky.'"

"... Did you actually do that?" Yuuki asked.

"Hahahaha, no, no. I didn't apply you. You start on Monday. I'm not saying you have to spend the next year working in the most disgusting section of a sewage plant, but if you don't you'll never be able to use your cellphone again. This is what you get for cutting me out of the story, jackass."

"She really liked the movie for some reason. She kind of creeps us out? We're trying not to talk about it too much," Haru said apologetically.

"Haru, don't apologize to our enemy!" Futaba complained.

Makoto sighed. "I don't know if he really is our enemy. Like this whole journey might have been a metaphor for revenge and how it never really lives up to how you've built it up in your mind. I secretly assumed this was all some kind of grand conspiracy against us, you know? And in the end, it was just an extremely petty robo-god giving us a final 'fuck you' from beyond the grave and the world's stupidest porn director failing to spot it. I mean, sure, we could kill Yuuki, but would it really satisfy anyone?"

"I'd really rather you didn't!" Yuuki said.

"I guess Queen is right," Futaba said sadly. "I've been putting him on government watchlists this entire time, and I don't feel any better at all. Sure, his life is destroyed. But is mine any better?"

"Yeah, a lot of people who torment me don't feel very happy after," Yuuki admitted. "I guess I just have a sort of aura of defeat around me, so crushing me doesn't feel like an accomplishment. I come pre-crushed."

"So, here's what we're going to do," Akira said. "Yuuki, what money have you made from this... disaster?"

"It actually wasn't a lot. Did you know that porn is free on the internet these days? And there was the cost of burying those dead guys cutting down my margins, and Shann... the original one? She sued the company, so my funding got pulled after. So... I guess I can just keep the money, right?"

Akira patted him on the shoulder. "Hahaha, no. No. You don't get to profit from this in any way. All that money's going to charity and/or Yusuke, because honestly after watching Shyusuke's corpse flop around for five hours, I really do think he doesn't eat enough."

Yusuke nodded sagely. "Paint is expensive."

"And you will put the people who funded you and hired those... those terrible porn stars to Makoto's sister. Because seriously, accident or no, I do feel like someone should be going to jail for this?"

"I think everyone in the world should go to jail. We're all guilty of existing in the same world as this nightmare," Ann muttered.

"And it goes without saying that no additional copies of this will ever, ever be made. You can't be held accountable for what assholes on the internet do, but if any of us ever see a hard copy of 'PhantCum Thieves of Whores'..."

"And you deserve to die for that title alone, you disgrace to theatre," Yusuke hissed.

"... on a store shelf, anywhere in this entire country, Futaba will destroy what little remains of your life."

"There isn't a lot!" Futaba said, cheerfully typing on her phone. "For instance, I just signed Yuuki up on a dating service for recently-released convicts! Tanaka's Amazing Commodities was really an underrated show. Such bargains!"

"In the meantime, I will use my vast wealth to hunt and kill anyone who has watched it," Haru said warmly.

"...Eh?"

"I will use my vast wealth to find and destroy any other existing copies. Barring, of course, any that are required as police evidence in the lawful trial to come for the horribly shady studio that helped create this," Haru repeated, because that is what she'd said the first time.

"... Sure," Akira said, sighing sadly. "Well... I'm not really happy, but I guess this is the happiest ending we're gonna get guys."

"But nobody is happy!" Ann said.

"That's just how porn works, Panther. It's not about real happiness. It's about a sudden rush followed by long periods of deep shame," Futaba said wisely. "In a way, this was for the best, right? Because I was able to teach you all this valuable life lesson."

Ann considered this.

Then, after a second, she hauled back and punched Futaba square in the jaw.

She sighed happily, shaking her fist to get the tingle out of it, as Futaba lay on her back making a kind of dazed whimpering sound. "Okay, I feel a little happier now."

After leaving Yuuki hanging upside down from a third-floor balcony by his ankles with a sign saying 'World's Worst Documentarian' around his neck, the group went home, tired and defeated. The next week or two was oddly like the strange, brittle calm after a war or terrible hurricane; none of them spent much time together, bar a few stop-ins to make sure Ann or Haru hadn't killed someone. For the most part everyone just wanted... quiet. To sit around, not talking or thinking or hearing anything going SPLORCH SPLORCH SPLAT. Just staring at nothing in blissful silence was the most therapeutic thing any of them could dream of, honestly. Akira normally would have gone home, but he felt vaguely dirty at the thought of sleeping under the same roof as a blood relative after seeing Shmakoto, so he spent the time in Le Blanc in his quiet attic. Staring at nothing. Not thinking.

It was nice.

Slowly but surely, the pieces of their shattered psyches were restored. News of an unnamed 'video editing' company collapsing and many of the employees getting arrested helped with that. They considered getting some therapy, but the only medical professional they knew anymore was Doctor Takemi, and she mostly just recommended some high-end drugs, so they did that instead. The drugs also helped, if only because they tended to knock you completely out for two hours, at which point you would wake up tasting colors and feeling like your brain was a sheep (and, this was key, having 12% improved kidney function. Takemi only sold the best medicine). Futaba programmed a worm that infected any site she could find that streamed the movie (there weren't many, to the confusion of her and absolutely nobody else), so that anyone who watched it would have their hard drive wiped and replaced by looping videos of paint drying, and that helped too.

But mostly, what helped was just... time. Time and quiet. And not thinking about sex, dogs, or goats. Or, if possible, thinking about anything.

"You know what I like about pizza?" Ryuji said, when they felt comfortable being in the same room as a group again. "It's food."

"It is food. I like how edible it is," Makoto agreed.

"I know there are other foods. But this is the one we're eating," Ann said.

"It tastes good," Haru said.

Not thinking about anything at all had a negative impact on the quality of conversations, as it turned out. But, hey, baby steps.

"So. I was thinking..." Futaba said.

"I will stab you," Ann hissed.

"No, no! It was good thoughts!" Futaba protested. "Maybe we should see a like... movie. A real one, I mean, not a porn inspired by a dark god. We still have time for the matinee at the theater near Le Blanc. They always show great old classics if there's nothing new out that looks good."

Yusuke blinked. "Seeing a movie with sets and actors instead of carboard and idiots does have a certain appeal. Perhaps the script will even be something that qualifies as words, and not a war crime."

"Futaba had an idea that I don't want to hurt her for. That hasn't happened in awhile," Haru said.

"What's the catch?" Ryuji asked.

"There is no catch! I'm just trying to get back into your good graces so Morgana stops leaving dead mice in my bed," Futaba said.

"I'm told that we cats do that as a sign of love," Morgana said, his tone far too deliberately innocent to actually be innocent. "And I have so much love to give."

"As much as I hate to say it, we do have to eventually start thinking real thoughts again. This could be a good start," Akira said. "So, hey. Doing something nice and fun, with no risk. Let's go."

"HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Ann said, accurately demonstrating the general quality of the plan's progression thus far upon reaching the theatre after lunch. "HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

"Fuuuuutaaaabaaa..." Akira snarled.

"I swear to God I didn't know! I'm a sci-fi girl, not fantasy! I don't pay attention to the dragon stuff!" Futaba protested.

"It is true I haven't seen much buzz for it. Avant garde productions like that don't tend to have a big marketing budget, and she's a relative unknown, but... I mean, we know she really tries," Haru said.

"And it's a real movie! A friend of mine even saw it, said it was... unique?" Makoto said.

"Eh. It probably isn't as good as the first one," Ryuji said with a shrug. Then, noticing the befuddled stares, he continued, "What? What? I watch movies! Why you all actin' like I got no culture?"

"Yeah, it's a mystery," Akira muttered, turning away from him to pat Ann on the shoulder. "And... Ann, I mean, it looks like it really is a movie. They wouldn't be showing it here if it was... you know. Wrong. So... I know it's not you, but... in a way, Ann, to you, this would be... I guess since you have some acting aspirations yourself, it's kind of... well, it's a compliment, rea-"

"Don't. Say it," Ann hissed, punching the wall beneath the poster so hard the wood splintered beneath her fist, and maybe started to smoke a little, or maybe it was just an optical illusion.

On it, good ol' original Shann smiled at the camera, dressed in a gown that looked legally-distinct from that used in Disney's Beauty and the Beast, as she waltzed with Shmorgana the dog... or at least his head, CGI'ed onto a humanoid body in a snappy old-style European suit. Above them, the title proudly declared:

Romeo and Juliet and Hamlet 2: Revenge of the Werewolf Emperor

Starring: Shann Shtakamaki, Shkou Shichijou, and introducing Shmorgana the Performing Dog

"... Well, on the plus side," Haru said. "I already know more about her character in this than I did her last film, just from reading the title. So that's already a step up."

"HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Ann said, pawing at the poster like a furious cat, as other moviegoers very deliberately took paths to the ticket booth that didn't require going too close to her.

"I guess you don't find that comforting. Sorry."

And it was a few more days after that before anyone decided to try thinking again. But you know what, at least someone got a happy ending, and that's what really mattered.

Or at least, that's what they tried to tell themselves between the bouts of hissing.

~The End~

Author's Note: This story might be the worst thing I've ever written.

I'm not sorry.

Thanks for reading! Check out my profile for other works, and see you next time. ^^