AN: Thank you Jaime :)

0o0o0

'Dear Little Hatchling,

My master has been moping around and refusing to so much as look at your most recent letter. So with great difficulty I write to you. I hope my parslescript is legible enough.

I just wished to tell you how much I enjoy your letters and not to worry. My master will come around. Hopefully when I ask him to send this letter, as the owls are much too scared of me.

If not I would like to come live with you instead. He's being insufferable.

With an affectionate hug,

Nagini'

Nagini sealed the letter and slithered over to her master, "Please mail this."

"Who would you be sending a letter to?"

If snakes could look deadpan, Nagini certainly would in this moment.

"Oh, you know. Just another snake. He's quite the cutie.

Who do you think it's for?" she asked sarcastically.

Voldemort immediately snatched the letter from her and scowled down at the name scribbled on it. He was just about to throw it in the fire when Nagini gave a threatening hiss and rattled her tail against the floor.

"Don't. You. Dare."

"Why should I send this for you?"

"I miss hearing from the hatchling, and your moping is quite grating. You should just reply to him already. Maybe if you continue these letters there will be no need to kill him. The hatchling would make a much better ally, don't you agree."

Voldemort's glare intensified and he crossed his arms, "I have not been moping. I also have no desire to associate myself with that brat."

"Then why do you still have that unread letter?"

0o0o0

Harry was shocked and extremely amused when he received Nagini's letter. His amusement only grew when a couple hours later, he received another from Voldemort.

'Potter,

You better not have gone to that simpleton! He couldn't possibly teach you everything necessary.

Paperwork is the worst creation known to man. It's like a parasite sinking it's foul teeth into the earth. It doesn't matter how many times you claw it out, kill it, there's ALWAYS MORE! It's an unavoidable evil that will slowly turn you into a shadow of the man you were if you're not careful.

I imagine it will come as no surprise to you to learn that it was invented by muggles, disgusting creatures that they are. You see why I don't want them infecting our world anymore than they already have?

I am a cruel man, Potter, but paperwork? That is a much greater evil than I…'

Harry stared down at the letter that just seemed to go on and on, torn between his amusement, disgust, and an odd fascination. Did Voldemort seriously expect him to read all this? The owl that brought it to him had struggled with the weight of it!

0o0o0

Harry was cheerfully heading through the portrait hole, letters in hand, when he froze at the sight that lay before him. The entirety of Gryffindor house seemed to be crowded into the room. Wait… were they all even Gryffindors?! And why are they all just staring at him?

Harry laughed nervously, "Hello? What's all this about?"

"Harry, we're worried about you," Hermione said.

"Why? I've been out of the hospital wing for a few days now, 100% stink free. Madame Pomfrey said I was fine. Don't you think if she had missed something and I was gonna drop dead it would have happened already?"

"You know full well that's not what this is about," she gave a pointed look at the parchment he carried.

"He's completely barmy!" someone shouted.

"He's a genius, is what he is!"

The twins were promptly thrown from the crowd and given various looks of disgust. Harry raised an eyebrow at them, "Will either of you tell me what their problems are?"

"Why your pranks of course,"

"Big fans by the way,"

"This lovely little mob has gathered to make you stop,"

"But don't worry, we're on your side."

A shiver ran down everyone's spines as they gazed upon the twins' evil grins.

Hermione though, was immune, and just frowned disapprovingly as she took a step forward dragging Ron along with her. The poor guy looked like he wished to be anywhere else.

"Harry, all these letters you've been exchanging with Voldemort can't be good for your health."

"Au contraire, I've never felt better."

"But the cookies," whinged Ron. He immediately regretted opening his mouth.

"Aww, is ickle Ronniekins scared of a little confectionary delights?"

"Oh that can't be right Greg. He's a Gryffindor after all."

"Then what?"

"I've got it! They're jealous that they haven't received any."

"Ah, the classic, 'if we can't have it, you can't either'."

The twins leered around the room.

Ron whimpered.

Neville shakily raised a hand, "Well I'm Gryffindor enough to admit the cookies do scare me as well as the thought of what else You Know Who might send when he gets bored of them."

There was a moment of silence after that.

"I'm sorry, but I won't stop."

Harry won't ever admit that the sudden killing intent directed at him was a bit intimidating. They would never actually hurt him. Would they?

Everything devolved into chaos from there.

0o0o0

When Harry woke, he was levitating. Looking around, he realized he was being pulled along by none other than Draco Malfoy. Certainly an odd situation to wake up to, but let's be honest his life is nothing but odd so he took it all in stride.

"Malfey," he slurred. His lips felt numb.

Malfoy jumped about a foot in the air, and dropped Harry who hit the ground with a loud groan.

"Whe'e a' we?"

Harry was a bit worried since the last thing he remembered was the twins, Ron, Hermione, and him struggling to fight back a horde of angry Gryfs.

"I'm sorry Potter. I had no choice. They would've killed both of us! They're completely mad!"

Harry could feel himself get a bit more control of his body as he stared at the trembling teen.

"You're taking me to Voldemort aren't you?" he asked flatly. His only response was a violent flinch.

"All right then," Harry sighed.

"You're not mad?"

"Nope," he cheerily popped the P as he stood, "Lead on!"

AN: I'm tired. Reviews give me energy.