A/N: STOP!

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

I'm sure you're all familiar with Not My Grail, AKA a godly Naruto's shenanigans in the Fate Zero Universe.

This is a SEPARATE entry from that and far more serious than its predecessor. People will die. Hearts will breaks. Dreams will be shattered. There. You've been warned. Characters will struggle here, sometimes falter, and even fail. They will fight. They will suffer. Some will triumph. Others will die. There may also be a MINOR change to the Servant roster as a whole beyond that of Naruto. Also, I'm starting to notice a pattern when it comes to titles here...

A Most Unlikely Berserker.

A Most Unlikely Assassin.

Maybe I should just make this a series of this...though it really isn't.

And before anyone asks, I've got an actual TEAM helping me now, so expect the updates to flow like wine.

Look forward to it~!

"I know what it feels like to be hollow on the inside, Master. Empty. I was like that once."

...tch. Know your place, Servant."

"No. I'm going to help you."

"You can't. No one can."

"Never say never~!"

~?

A Most Unlikely Assassin

Would you believe I never killed anyone?

It sounds strange, I know.

Downright odd really.

In my entire career as a shinobi, I never killed someone. I came close several times of course, but at the end of the day I never killed a living being. Nagato's corpses and a few stray white Zetsu perhaps, but can those amalgamations truly be called living? No, my point stands. I never killed. Certainly not in cold blood as some would have you believe. Those I defeated inevitably met their end at the hands of others, never mine. Even my greatest enemy and her twisted progeny were sealed, rather than slain.

Yet time warps all things, legends included.

In the eyes of the people, what I'd done was deemed impossible.

How can a ninja not kill, they wondered? Surely he must be lying. Trying to deceive us.

Thus the man who never took a life became the man who took every life. He who saved his friends without bloodshed became the bane of their enemies, his kills so precise that not a shred of proof remained. A creature of great and terrible speed, with a silver tongue. A man capable of creating an army in an instant. Of inexhaustible strength and power; capable of lending that very power to others with merely a touch. No one understood that I hadn't won any of my battles alone, that I'd only bested Kaguya with the help of my friends. I don't think they wanted to.

Ah, but the best lies always hold a kernel of truth, do they not?

Their beliefs could not be swayed, even by the truth itself. Men fear what they do not understand. They hate what they cannot conquer. They reject that which they do not know, cannot control. Why? Why do we hate that which we do not understand?

At the end of it all, I-my legacy-fell not to an enemy, but willful ignorance from beyond the grave; my very existence twisted by time and rumor until one could barely recognize it. All that remained of the "truth" was my name and the title I'd fought so hard to claim. Uzumaki Naruto. Seventh Hokage. Husband, father, friend to many. A simple man who should've died a simple death, yet was denied even that. A man who finally fell on some nameless battlefield, his body riddled with wounds, fighting in a war he had no stake in.

I am not an assassin.

I will never kill without recourse.

I will help whomever I can, whenever I can.

In hindsight it seems a small, petty thing to inflict upon a man's legacy; but what is a man but a filthy bag of secrets?

Lies are sweet, deception all too easy to spread.

We sacrifice, we sweat, we bleed and we CRY and for what? Even when our names are carved into legend, those legends are often dictated by the very people we sought to protect. Mine began to warp from the moment of my death onward; when those who no longer remembered the truth remained, it fractured further still. I wasn't so naive to believe that I could save everyone, but I'd protect those I could. Given another chance, I still would. Perhaps that led to my ultimate downfall.

Even so, I wouldn't change a thing.

Hmm?

A wish, you say?

If I had one it would be...

...yes. It would be that, wouldn't it?

I want to remove this stain from my name.

(...Centuries Later...)

This was not Hassan of the Hundred Faces.

Kirei Kotomine regarded the strange being before him and struggled to understand where he'd gone wrong.

It didn't make any sense; he'd conducted this ritual on the Tohsaka estate for this very purpose. The Summoning Circle was perfectly placed, its measurements precise. Tokiomi had been stringent in its construction as well as his instruction, then left him to it. Summoning his Servant so soon before the war would prove taxing without the support of the Grail, but it was doable. Conducting said ritual at night ensured the utmost secrecy and ensured that the bounded fields wouldn't be breached. In that at least, he'd succeeded...

...and yet in the same vein, failed miserably.

Clearly something had gone amiss.

A rough snarl answered him.

"Are you kidding me?"

But what, then?

Standing amidst the fading fog, a humanoid figure resolved into being.

The lack of a mask or any sort of presence proved his point tenfold; he had blundered.

Surely the being before him couldn't hardly qualify as the legendary Assassin he'd sought. Save for the tattered brown cloak sheathing his body and a battered black cloth wrapped around his head, he didn't resemble that deadly class in any way, shape, or form. One might even call him painfully green by comparison. All bright blue eyes and jagged blond hair, he was alarmingly young. His head cocked, considering his surroundings, drifting down to his form with almost childlike curiosity. What they found there must've displeased him; because those eyes narrowed to vicious sapphire slits.

He absolutely hissed.

"Ugh, why was I summoned as an Assassin?!" the young man turned his head and spat upon the ground. "This is literally the worst class for me!" exasperated, he flung his arms out to his sides-providing a brief glimpse of the lethal armaments bristling beneath-cast his head back, and uttered a vicious curse to the gods. "Kami damnit! Seriously, Grail?! SERIOUSLY?! Rider, Caster, Berserker...literally any other class would have suited me just fine! Hell, I would've settled for Archer this time around and I suck at that! Gimme a do-over?"

His ranting finally reactivated Kirei and-somewhat reluctantly for a strange part of him found the young man's anger amusing-he cleared his throat.

"Who...are you?"

The blond started violently.

"Of course, there's someone here...

Those eerie orbs fixated upon him with a hint of scorn, whiskered cheeks dimpling in a rare scowl.

"Uzumaki Naruto." again, that dismissive look. "Assassin...and not happy about it. You are my Master, right? I don't see anyone else here." Wide eyes drifted to the cross dangling from his chest on a thin leather cord. "A priest? Really? Please say you aren't."

Kirei had nothing to gain from lying to him and thus he did not.

"I am."

Assassin didn't offer further argument; instead he stood stock still, considering the words.

Blue eyes drifted shut in silent contemplation, ignoring his Master utterly.

In his heart of hearts, Kotomine couldn't understand him.

No, rather he lacked the capacity to do so. For a man devoid of traditional empathy, it was impossible to understand why the blond was angry with him. He'd been summoned. His task was to secure the grail, if not for his own sake, then out of obligation for their contract. Their deaths would power the grail and give it life. What other means could he have? It was their purpose. They existed for no other reason. He almost envied them such a surety of purpose, to know why they existed, their reason for being, something he himself longed for...

Abruptly that hooded gazed snapped open again, with eyes the color of poisoned honey.

Kirei was no fool; he knew at once something had changed between them.

In a moment, the air around them took on an odd charge.

"What are you?" Assassin whispered.

He frowned in confusion.

"Kotomine Kirei-URK?!"

A scarred hand wrapped around his throat even as he spoke, rendering the words little more than a broken gurgle on his tongue. In an instant his feet fled from the floor-held aloft by the single solitary palm. Try as he might he couldn't pry those fingers from his closing windpipe; indeed, the mere act of doing so threatened to shatter them entirely. Still the pressure intensified, a horrible vice inexorably crushing the life from his body. To his dismay a second hand joined it, grinding against flesh and bone, taxing the very limits of his endurance. Pain threatened to render him mute, but he pushed past it to raise an arm.

Trembling, he willed power to his hand.

"Servant, by the power of my Command Spell, I com-

Powerful palms upon his throat tightened yet further, physically silencing him.

"You reek." golden eyes blazed up at him with frightful intensity, heedless of his rasping gasps. "Why? Just what the hell is wrong with your soul? You broken or something? What do you want? Answer me. Else I might have to break my rule for you. Try anything funny and I'll snap you like a twig."

"R-Rule...?"

With that his grasp slackened a fraction of an inch, but only just.

"I don't kill." the blond informed him blackly, those ghastly eyes never once leaving his in spite of their elevation. "People, at any rate." he amended after a thoughtful pause. "Servants are different. Might make an exception for you, though. My instincts are screaming at me right now."

"I...

In that fateful moment, the wayward priest experienced an epiphany. To lie-not that he was particularly inclined to do so-would mean his death. He was clearly no match for his Servant. Any attempt to command him now would only result in his death. He didn't want to die. For all his faults and flaws, of that he remained certain. He wanted to live. He wanted to understand this warped existence of his and come to terms with it. Death would only prevent that. In the end the truth was the only avenue left open to him.

"I don't know." he admitted honestly.

Assassin actually blinked at that.

It was the right thing to say.

"You don't know?"

Kirei felt his body crash to the ground like a stone, but in that instant he was far too preoccupied with trying to breathe to even consider his good fortune. Air flooded his withered lungs, sending them hacking and coughing in furious spasms as he clutched at his throat. A disbelieving laugh leaped from his lips as flopped onto his back and gazed into the night sky, though he knew not why. No, perhaps he did. In that moment he'd tasted true death; seen the void yawning wide to engulf him, only to be drawn back at the last second.

Exhilarating.

"Aaaaaaand now you're laughing." Assassin's flat voice scoffed from the shadows above him. "Tch. Suppose its a bit early to kill you after all. Very well. I'll judge you based on your deeds, rather than your words. Be glad you didn't summon Kurama instead. He wouldn't have been so merciful."

...you don't sound terribly pleased to say that."

A low growl snaked through the air.

"Trust me, I'm not."

Gasping for air, Kotomine climbed to his feet.

As ever, Assassin stood at arms length, refusing to approach him.

His servant remained wary of him for some indefatigable reason he didn't understand. There was nothing he could possibly due to harm him save for his Command Spells. Theoretically he could command Assassin to kill himself here and now. Given all he'd just endured, the Executor found himself seriously doubting that notion. The young man might actually survive long enough to kill him if he made such an attempt. For a fleeting instant he glimpsed a light in that whiskered visage, as though something-someone?-else were gazing back and had found him intriguing.

"Don't even think about it." Assassin hissed, crossing both arms beneath his cloak. "I may not like killing, but I'll still gut you if you try to make me off myself."

"Noted."

He'd do it too; of that Kirei held no doubts. Fire roared high in the whiskered warrior's gaze, holding an unspoken promise of pain if he did anything untoward. The slightest slip on his part would see their already-strained relationship explode spectacularly. A dagger in the back would the least of his worries then. If this Servant took it into his head to rebel now, there was no telling how much damage he could cause. Very well. For now he would play along, hold out in the hopes that Tokiomi's Servant would be able to quell this unruly youth when the war finally commenced next month.

...it would prove to be a long thirty days.

Master and Servant stood apart, neither willing to speak further.

In the end, Naruto caved first.

"Alright, lets deal. What do you want?" When Kirei didn't immediately respond, the blond grew flustered and flailed his arms in irritation. "Your wish, man! What is it?!"

His blank expression spoke volumes.

...nothing?" Aghast, the Assassin gaped at him. "You don't have one? And the Grail still picked you to be a Master?"

"I admit, it wasn't what I expected either." Kirei groused sullenly.

"Ditto!"

Naruto clicked his tongue in mild annoyance, threw up his arms and stormed away, forcing his less agile Master to hasten after him lest he be left behind. Despite his slight frame Assassin proved himself surprisingly agile in spite of his admittedly low expectations. For a fleeting instant Kirei almost wondered-hoped!-his Servant would vanish into the trees, never to return. He would be so lucky. Something told him this Assassin would prove far more troublesome than the one he'd intended to summon. Spirits only knew what Tokiomi would make of him; of this wrench thrown into their finely crafted plans.

Another beat of awkward silence passed between the two of them, broken only by the crunch of leaves trod underfoot.

"Ever tried spicy ramen, Kirei?" Assassin inquired abruptly.

Baffled, the priest could only shake his head.

"I must confess, I have not. What is it?"

That impish smile grew wider still.

"You're gonna love it."

A/N: There we have it.

Yes, that was a jab at Kirei's spicy tofu at the end there.

Writing this with one hand and a broken body/heart so do excuse the typos.

I have yet to see a story where Naruto was summoned as Assassin in Fate Zero. By KIREI of all people. Didn't see that coming did you? Oh Lord, between him and Gilgamesh, the poor man's going to go stark raving mad. We've already seen that Command Spells are greatly weakened against someone like Naruto, so don't expect him to go the way of Hassan and commit virtual suicide by Rider.

Time will only tell if he tries to "convert" Kirei or simply turns on him.

Now" lets clarify the Servants real quick:

Lancer might be a surprise.

Assassin is Naruto, of course.

Caster WILL be someone else entirely.

Saber, Rider, Archer,and Berserker however, shall remain the same.

Oh, as far as Naruto and Gilgamesh are concerned?

Oil and water.

That's all.

Speaking of which WHY DO YOU PEOPLE want me to write a female Gilgamesh so badly?! I've never done that! It would just feel...odd, turning the King of Heroes into a girl. Amusing to be sure, but that's a risky endeavor and not one I'm sure I'm capable of pulling off...thoughts?

And the pairing...why...is that not obvious?

So in the Immortal Words Of Atlas...

...Review, Would You Kindly?

It would mend my heart.

And enjoy the previews!

(Previews)

"Oh?"

Aoi smiled.

Naruto bowed.

"Charmed, I'm sure."

"Independent action. Gotta love it."

"I ORDER you to observe! Nothing more!"

"Hmm...let me think about-no. You just wasted a Command Spell. Too bad. So sad."

Faced with the combined onslaught of Berserker and Lancer alike, Saber had expected to perish. The thought sent a bitter pang through her heart. To be faced with defeat so soon in the war...

'Saber, right?" a brilliant tendril of thought brushed against her mind, causing the blond to recoil. 'Keep the big guy's attention for one more second, will you?'

"What madness is this-

She did no expect Assassin of all Servants to come to her aid.

Surely it must have been Assassin; no one else could've concealed their presence to the very last moment; least of all gotten the drop on a Servant like that. Plunging like a silent shadow his cloaked form alighted upon Berserker's broad back in a soundless sheathe. Cold steel flashed in the gloom, leaving her to glimpse a twisted knife mere moments before that shadowy dagger plunged down down into the strange shadowy carapace that concealed the knight's form from view. In the same instant he arched his back and drove an elbow into Lancer's startled visage, casting them away with startling force.

Then all hell broke loose.

Berserker's howl was that of a wild animal; its body bucked, flinging Assassin away.

Again-much to her chagrin-the killer surprised her by alighting at her side.

Moreso when he turned that strange dagger toward the duo.

A grim smile flashed out at her in the gloom.

"Mind if I cut in?"

"Oh, HELL no."

Caster smiled softly.

"Whatever is the matter, sweet boy?"

Assassin grimaced. "Alright, she's fucking terrifying. Can I opt out of this, Master? Please?"

Kirei considered it.

"I think...not."

"BASTARD!"

"Why won't you obey me?! You listened earlier!"

Assassin only laughed louder.

"Master, you don't have NEARLY enough Command Spells to make me dance to Tokiomi's tune...its so boring!"

"What is a king to a god?"

Pearly white teeth flashed in the gloom.

"Ha! What is a god to a nonbeliever, mongrel?!"

"I may be a mongrel, but at least I don't have my head up my ass!"

Gilgamesh visibly twitched. "Assassin...if you wish to die that badly...you need only ask."

Behind him the Gate of Babylon swelled open in a dozen rippling portals, only for each to strike empty shadows.

"I'm not stupid enough to cross blades with you in this form." his fellow blond laughed. "That would be a death sentence."

R&R~!