A/N: As some of you may have guessed by this author's name, this story comes from the collaboration of bigbangenthusiast and platypus_quacks_too, with the help of stellina2a. We are proud to present you this after many, many months of work (insert sloth emoji here), and we hope you will enjoy reading this funny tale as much as we had fun writing it.
It's the second Thursday of the month, so The Blonde is here again. As usual, she waited until The Arrogant Genius left. I've noticed this pattern for months now. He leaves at precisely 6 o'clock and returns at 9:45. His schedules often infuriate The Bespectacled Homunculus, but this one the latter happily accepts.
The Blonde and The Homunculus exchange greetings then share dinner. Sometimes they snuggle on the couch watching the latest episode of a reality show or science fiction movie. After the cuddling, they move on to more intimate activities. Great Neptune! Tonight, they are bypassing the small screen viewing and going straight for the intimacy. Someone hand me a bucket of popcorn. This is going to be much better than any reality program.
He cups her face as he tells her she's the most beautiful woman in the world and wonders how he ever got so lucky. Their mouths are moving hungrily over each other, and I can't help but zoom in a little for a better view. The Blonde moans when he prods her lips with his tongue, and she scoots closer to him. Hoisting her onto his lap, he doesn't break the lip lock. Her fingers thread through his curly locks, pressing their lips closer together in the process, and this time he's the one moaning.
His hands slide from her back to the front of her shirt. He breaks the kiss momentarily to mutter about how many buttons there are. To my eyes, it didn't appear to take him long to peel the fabric from her skin, but I suppose in his position, it might have felt like it took a lifetime.
After shrugging out of the constraints, her chest is bare, save for a silky red bra. Her radiant hair cascades down her shoulders like a golden waterfall. If she had a tail, I would easily mistake her for a mermaid. He uses one hand to fondle her mound, while the other entwines in those golden locks.
What's that I hear? There appears to be some commotion out in the hall. I know The Arrogant Genius is not due home, and as much as I'd like to continue watching the action in front of me, I need to be prepared should an intruder arrive. After all, I've been protecting this home since 2012.
I tune out the moans and pants and turn ever so slightly to face the door. Normally I wouldn't consider moving even the tiniest bit while anyone is here, but I feel safe in knowing they are too focused on each other to notice. I'll just have to ensure I return to facing at the precise angle, or The Arrogant Genius will know something is amiss.
Voices are getting louder, voices that seem slightly familiar. I don't believe it's The Squeaky-Voiced Smurfette or The Astronaut. Could it be The Impostor? The noises in here are getting louder, so I really need to concentrate. No, it's not him either. There's no foreign accent. But now the image of him trying to impersonate me in that mockery of a wig haunts me again. He looked so ridiculous. I almost laughed out loud when I saw him.
The sound of footsteps and talking sound further away now. It was probably just some tenants arguing. I was worried over nothing. Time to get back into position. By the beard of Poseidon! The Homunculus and The Blonde have removed all their clothes, and she is straddling him cowboy style.
From my vantage point, I can only see the back of her now, but oh what a sight. His hands cup her firm buttocks, but I can still see a smidgen of that milky skin. And her legs! Those long, toned legs are going to be in my dreams tonight.
Their hands and mouths are all over each other now. He takes a moment to shift below her to get into a better position, his head resting on The Arrogant Genius' beloved spot. The Homunculus will get another strike tonight, but I'm sure it will be worth it… Great Atlantis! She's riding him with her inner cowgirl, using that silky, red bra as a lasso. A look of pure lust spreads across his face as southern slang flows from her lips, and his hands blindly reach for her hips. From this angle I can't see her face, but I imagine it's contorted in the sweet agony of lovemaking.
It's 9:35 now, and The Homunculus is clinging to his mate, begging her to spend the night, but she prefers to leave before The Arrogant Genius questions her about their evening. She checks the couch cushion for stray hairs or any other incriminating evidence. She gives him one last kiss before shutting the door quietly behind her. He sighs then double checks "the spot", muttering about how the butt print doesn't look quite right but hoping his roommate is too tired to notice.
I hear the key in the lock. He's right on time. The two share a few words before The Homunculus yawns and heads for bed. Now comes the part of these nights I dread most. As the Arrogant Genius lowers me from the shelf, I brace myself for what's to come.
"Well, Aquaman, let's find out what Roommate Agreement rules Leonard violated this time."
He extracts the camera then sets me back in place before connecting it to his laptop and saving the file. Looking over his shoulder at his screen, I watch the evening's scene unfold again. The images are a blur as he fast forwards to the moment he walks out the door. Now his shoulders are hunched, and I can tell he's studying the footage closely. He speeds it up slightly until The Homunculus comes into view. Every so often he emits a grunt of disapproval, and less frequently one of approval. The Blonde appears on the screen, and I can almost picture his eyes narrowing when the couple begins kissing. He's not a fan of public displays of affection, although I have witnessed him making out with The Brunette on a couple of occasions. I suppose he wouldn't consider that to be a PDA, as they always wait until they're alone. Funny how he forgets I'm here recording everything when he's the one on camera.
We're getting close to the highlight of the night now. His disapproving grunts are becoming more frequent. The images are shifting on the screen, and now the camera is facing the door. He rewinds the feed and mutters, "How on earth did the angle change." He rewinds and studies those couple of minutes several times then twists his head around and stares right at me. Great Guppies! If he ever finds out… He turns back to the screen, and I release a silent sigh of relief.
Now we're back to the part when I was situated in the correct angle. Before long The Blonde is twirling her bra like a lasso, and I can almost feel him cringe when she shouts "Yeehaw!" Just you wait, my friend. It's about to get even more crazy. Like déjà vu I can tell when every moan, every pant, every thrust will happen before it does.
"Oh, Penny!" The Homunculus shouts, as he writhes beneath her.
The Genius quickly slams the laptop shut. "Oh, dear Lord!"
Jumping from his spot, he repeats the phrase over and over. He backs away, and I see the look of horror on his face while he stares at the cushion. As expected, he gathers a fresh pair of yellow rubber gloves and a bottle of cleaning spray and kneeling before the affected area scrubs it with great speed and force. Taking a moment to wipe his brow, he assesses the cushion, eyes narrowed, lips in a tight line, then repeats the scrubbing motions.
Fifteen minutes later, he sits back on his heels and pants from the exertion.
"Sheldon, why are you still awake?"
His head turns slowly to his roommate. "Don't you ever use my spot for your coital activities again."
"How do you know Penny and I even did anything?"
"None of your business!"
Before storming off, he sends me a cursory glance. I feel somewhat to blame, but if it wasn't me, Aquaman, King of the Seven Seas, it could have been The Flash or Spock or any of the other figures gracing these bookshelves to have a camera embedded in them. I have to keep from chuckling out loud when I remember about the wad of cash stuffed in Green Lantern's behind. Life could be worse.